This is part three of my series Notes on Translation of Chromatic Ode of Candies and Roses, where I will analyze all the errors and missteps Hoyoverse did in the English translation of Version 5.1's flagship event (or Nahida's birthday event, in case you don't remember). SPaG problems are not included. In part three, we're gonna focus on the event story Act III, "Second Gift — Give Her Memories".
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赛诺：但一来他们货物被洗劫一空，没有物证可查，二来单从这起事件来说，他们属于受害者……
Cyno: But, they were technically the victims of the case, and all their goods were lost, so there was no evidence to investigate.English conjunction "and" connects two structures of equal grammatical function, but not necessarily equal in terms of logic. In the original, Cyno first stated that there was no evidence, then said that they were victims, showing Cyno is a person whose logic puts objective factors before subjective and emotional factors, befitting his identity. This is in direct opposite order to the translation. Nitpicking? Maybe, but the change here is really more than necessary. Again, you may think your change is inconsequential, but it can actually hurt the character in a subtle way.
派蒙：城外？
Paimon: Which way did she go?Funny how did the localization team put a simple repitition "outside the city?" into "which way did she go?". I don't know, just thinking maybe the original line is sillier.
赛诺：怎么是你小子……
Cyno: ...What are you doing here?Did Hoyo forbid Cyno's English VA from using actual funny lines? How about just let him say "Not you little bugger..." ?
[INSERT TRYING-TO-BE-MENACING SORUTH'S YELLS HERE]I really hope Soruth can actually use "thou" "thee" and "thy" in her English line. They are old-styled, perfectly fitting the "汝" from Old Chinese, which she always uses in the original texts!
赛索斯：尊贵而伟大的花灵，沙漠之子无人不识你们的名字。更何况是名为斯露莎的勇者呢？
Sethos: The Bloomguard, Sorush — renowned among the Pari. All children of the desert know your name.Mind your order, brazen youth. You should praise all the Pari first, then pay special respect to Soruth after you recognize the group's value, like what you did in the original language!
斯露莎：吾等花灵乃小吉祥草王大人之眷属，便想为之准备一份特殊的贺礼。
Sorush: As her familiars, the Pari have decided to bestow upon her a special gift!Judging from my experience, one use "bestow upon" typically when they are honoring persons of lower rank, like a monarch bestowing knighthood upon civilians. It was not Nahida's honor to receive such gift, but Pari's honor to give such gift. But, what I said here could be wrong. So excuse me if one use "bestow upon" among equals in English-speaking countries. Also excuse me for spelling "honor" instead of "honour", if you are from Commonwealth realms.
迪希雅：到时候可得好好表现哟！
Dehya: Make sure you knock it out of the park!There's nothing wrong with this idiom's meaning. However, if I remember correctly, etymologically the "park" in "knock something out of the park" refers to the ballpark of a baseball court. So the question is, does baseball exist in Teyvat? Or to be broader, does ball-related sports that require a large field exist in Teyvat? Does Ludi Harpastum count? If so, then how did Dehya know a game from Mondstadt? Wait, Collei was in Mondstadt before. It makes sense now! It could be that she told Dehya about the sport after watching it with Amber and returing to Sumeru! THIS GOTTA HAVE SOME LORE VALUES! @IALDABAOTH1 I SUMMON YOU!
... but also it could merely be Hoyo forgetting they were supposed to be in a fantasy world. Sad :[
纳西妲：（…总觉得最近大家都躲着我呢，就像秋天树洞里的松鼠一样，一个劲地在藏东西。）
Nahida: (Everyone's been avoiding me lately. They're acting squirrely... like they're hiding something.)To quote from Merriam-Webster: "SQUIRRELY: relating to, resembling, or characteristic of a squirrel; tending to be unusually active; odd; lacking stability or control; morally dubious or questionable". There's a lot of extra meanings to it! Huh. I'd say you shouldn't add extra ambiguity to your metaphor by using a weird part of speech. I'm talking to you, that team doing the translation work for the Dendro Archon. The original text just says "like squirrels hiding stuffs into their tree holes in fall (autumn)". Oh well.
坎蒂丝：比起我的琴声，妮露小姐的舞姿，才是节日里人们目不转睛的焦点啊。
Candace: Honestly, I think Miss Nilou's dancing was the real star of the event.The translation uses a pun on "star", while the original text doesn't. I honestly think the translation does it better this time despite sacrificing the preciseness.
艾尔海森：[...] 一旦其所象征的往事被阐明，它就恢复成原本的介质了。
Alhaitham: [...] Once the events they exemplify are brought to light, there's little value in further study.... I can't. The translation turns a saying of philosophical wisdom into a quasi-hypocritical remark. How about: "Once the stories they exemplify are brought to light, their original material valuation are restored into dominant position (while other external values diminish)"?
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Nothing wrong in Post-Quest Dialogues. Everyone remember to see Sorush and Arasaka's dialogue they were so cute-
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My sanity managed to hold me through these rants! Thank you for your support for the series! We'll see in ... maybe a Part Four for texts in minigames and other places?