A Memoir of Memories and Memes Quotes

“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of mine.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Of all the musical tastes, Meat Loaf is the most flavorful. Is there anything better than Leftovers from the 80s?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I'm addicted to cheese. It's a real addiction, but I get no love like the alcoholics.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“He said he had one of the worst pizzas in Chicago, and he wanted me to guess where it was from. I said, "New York?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Having a job is tricky. You don't want to be so productive that you make your coworkers appear like slackers, and you don't want to do so little that your coworkers have to make up for your lack of effort.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars Jason Stratham. It is the Mission Impossible of apiculturist culture.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“No matter how long I've been at my job, or how experienced I am, I tell customers I'm new. People are much more patient when I tell them I just started.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I have good news and bad news. The good news is we will all soon be billionaires. The bad news is that by the time that day comes, the dollar will be so devalued that your billions may not purchase your weekly groceries.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I just called a How's My Driving phone number. Why did someone in Branson, Missouri pick up and try to sell me a timeshare condo?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Most people see a boarded-up Church's Chicken and they panic, thinking, "I shouldn't be in this neighborhood. I've got to leave immediately." But that's just what The Government wants you to believe. These are all secret entrances to The Underground Tunnel System.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“My brain probably looks like leftover meatloaf. People of The Future are going to find it and think, "This guy was a genius! We could probably still reheat this and serve it for dinner.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I graduated from The University of Florida. I tell people it's The Harvard of Gainesville.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Some people sing and dance. I do the opposite of that, and I think the only person who could truly appreciate my art is Helen Keller.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Time is fluid, like water. Swim in it like a duck.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“The Anthems of Rock are The Kings and Queens of Queen. No really, they out-Queened Queen, and they put Freddie Mercury in a thermometer and got this crowd HOT.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I nailed my ice skates to a wooden floor. That’s how I learned to play hockey like a duck swims in soup.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“As a man who dances like a bronze statue, in the style of Rodin's The Thinker, I know a thing or two about choreography. OK, maybe just a thing, and that thing is this: The dancers in The Anthems of Rock can move—and they’re a big reason the audience was so moved with each song.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“DNA is a data storage device. Why don't we just grow lab creatures whose entire existence is as living servers hosting the ever-increasing amount of digital trash created by Twitter shitposters?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Did you know that parts of the brain are in delta sleep even when one is awake? It's this part of the brain one uses to VOTE.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Waffle House is not harnessing their true economic potential. Sure, they make and sell food, but why are they not also in the entertainment industry? They should sell tickets to the fights that happen at their venue, and I'm sure a town like Harrison would embrace the spectacle.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I once saw a marble statue in a museum, and it shocked me, because that piece of art had stolen my dance moves. Romance frozen in motion is my contribution to the culture of music, and I hope Harrison hires me to perform at their new concert venue.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Idea: A Napster for borrowed nostalgia. It's a place you go to where you can download others' memories.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“The key to being a comedian is to be wealthy. The richer you are, the funnier you are to women, and no matter what you say they'll be laughing and giggling.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I self-tested myself, and my IQ is 33. That means I’m entitled to special treatment, I can get away with saying things that a normal person couldn’t, and I’m allowed to have public outbursts and tantrums and people have to tolerate it and even compliment me to calm me down.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“At parties, I keep my car keys frozen in an ice cube tray. That way I can safely drink and not worry about where I parked my fridge.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I once saw 37,000 kids gathered together, and I said, “Is this a public school math class?” Also, I get the numbers 37,000 and 42 confused.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I'm a Citizen Journalist, but I'm not a muckraker all the time. In the fall I rake leaves.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Stevie splits his time between Branson and Nashville. I think it's smart to divide time by location, rather than AM and PM, because that way you get more distance and are able to extend your life out further.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I went to a music concert last night. I took a bunch of pictures, because nothing captures sound like a photograph.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Citizen Journalists are champions of The People. Harrison Tribune is a gladiator in news format.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes