Warning: If you are a fan of classic literature and/or are utterly devoid of a sense of humor this review may not be for you. Also: Yes,So. I finished it.
Warning: If you are a fan of classic literature and/or are utterly devoid of a sense of humor this review may not be for you. Also: Yes, I realize that I'm a moron with zero literary credibility. So, stop reading right now if the sound of an idiot whistling out of their asshole bothers you. Sure, you can comment below and tell me how stupid I am, but it probably won't make me a better person. Or will it...?
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I've always wondered what the real Frankenstein story was like...and now I know. Sadly, sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. And the reality is, this book is a big steaming pile of poo.
It's an old-timey horror story, right? Not so much. I mean, I wasn't expecting it to actually be scary, but I thought it might be slightly creepy. Unfortunately, the only horror in the story centered around me having to keep turning the pages. Unless...? Beware mortal! You will DIE of boredom! Truly frightening.
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It starts like this: An upper-crust guy sails off to the Arctic to make discoveries, and to pass the time he writes to his sister. Supposedly, he's been sailing around on whaling ships for several years. And he's been proven an invaluable resource by other captains. So I'm assuming he's a pretty crusty ol' sailor at this point. Pay attention, because this is where Shelly proves that she knows nothing about men... So this guy goes on and on in these letters to his sister about how he wishes on every star that he could find a best friend at sea. After a few (too many) letters, they pull a half-frozen Frankensicle out of the water. Aaaaand here's what our salty sea dog has to say about the waterlogged mad scientist... "Blah, blah, blah...his full-toned voice swells in my ears; his lustrous eyes dwell on me with all their melancholy sweetness...blah, blah, blah..." Lustrous eyes?! No (straight) sailor ever, in the history of the world, EVER referred to another dude's eyes as lustrous. Ever. And I know what you're thinking. Well, Anne, maybe this character was gay. Didn't think about that, did you?! Actually, yes. Yes, I did. The only problem with that theory is that NONE of the male characters in this book sounded remotely male. Ladies, do you remember that time in your life (probably around middle or high school), when you thought that guys actually had the same sort of thought waves running through their heads that we do? You know, before you realized that they really don't care about...well, all of the things that we do? You thought that while they were laughing at the booger their idiot friend just flicked across the room, something deeper was stirring in their mind. It just had to be! I'm not sure when it happens, but at some point, every woman finally realizes the (fairly obvious) truth. Men aren't women. That booger was the funniest thing ever, and nothing was stirring around in them other than maybe some gas. And that's ok. Fart-lighting and long distance loogie hawking contests aside, they can be pretty darn cool. But this author was too young to realize that. My personal opinion is that Mary was probably fairly sheltered and was used to running around with a bunch of artsy-fartsy dudes. Much like today, I would imagine these junior emos were probably blowing poetic smoke up her young ass in the high hopes of getting into her pants. Although it's possible I'm totally misreading the situation.
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Anyway, Frank tells his story, and Sea Dog writes it all down for his sister. In excruciating detail. Rivers, flowers, rocks, mountain tops...agonizingly cataloged. And the weather? God forbid a breeze blows through the story without at least a paragraph devoted to the way it felt on his skin or affected his mood! And speaking of Frankenstein's mood. I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of reading about a character this spineless before. He didn't talk so much as he whined. And the swooning! He was like one of those freaking fainting goats! I can't even count how many times he blacked out and fell over. Of course, then he would get feverish and need "a period of convalescence" to recover. Again, every episode was recounted with incredible attention to detail. I'm thrilled that I never had to miss a moment of his sweaty brow getting daubed with water!
Randomly Inserted Fun Fact: The monster quoted Milton in Paradise Lost. Shockingly, I only know this because it was in the appendix, and not because I have any real-life experience with reading that one.
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Was this the most painfully unnecessary book I've read this year? Yes. Is there a deeper moral to this story? Yes. Some would say, that the monster is a product of a society that refuses to accept someone who is different. Or maybe that Victor Frankenstein was the real monster for not realizing that he had a duty to parent and care for his creation? Perhaps it is meant to point out our obsession with perfection, and our willingness to disregard people who don't meet the standards of beauty as non-human? Some might say any of those things. I, however, learned a far different lesson from Frankenstein. And it's this... Trust no one. Not even someone who (just an example) has been your Best Friend for decades! Let's read a classic, Anne. It'll be fun, Anne. We can call each other with updates, Anne. It'll be just like a book club, Anne. Tee-hee! Liar, liar! Pants on fire! I read this whole God-awful book, and you quit after 10 pages! I'm telling your mom!
Anyway. Here's the quote that sums up my experience with Frankenstein:
"Blah, blah, blah...in all the misery I imagined and dreaded, I did not conceive the hundredth part of the anguish I was destined to endure."
At first, I was a tad disappointed that there wasn't much magic in this one. I mean, it's supposed to be a retellinAlso reviewed for Addicted2Heroines
At first, I was a tad disappointed that there wasn't much magic in this one. I mean, it's supposed to be a retelling of Tam Lin, right? Maaaagic! But Tam Lin's fairies are replaced with practitioners of voodoo, and the magic hoodoo stuff doesn't come into play (much) until the end. So, not a story steeped in magic. Well, unless you count the fact that Violet has some sort of affinity with bees. And let's face it, unless you can order them to ATTACK!, how freaking useful is that? What she can do is call the bees, and they sorta sit on her and give her a feeling of calm. And I think once or twice they hovered around an area that she needed to go or something. GPS? Useful. Bees? Not quite so much.
Ok. Strip all the expectations I originally had away, and this turns into a pretty decent book about a young southern girl during the Civil War. She doesn't meet Thomas (the Union soldier) until mid-way through the story, and in the meantime you get a feel for what her life is like on a small southern farm. Her mother is long dead, and she lives with her father and their two slaves, Lainey and her husband Michael. Violet and Lainey grew up together like sisters, and both she and Michael are treated like family. Now that Lainey has a child, Violet can feel a gap widening between them. And the possibility that the War may free Lainey is also a source of unspoken tension. While Violet doesn't think of Lainey as her slave, she's still afraid to talk to her about her feelings and fears. On one hand she wants Lainey to be free, but on the other she doesn't want to lose her friend. I think Nickerson did a good job with Violet's character. She didn't truly understand why slavery was wrong, because not only was she raised in an era that had condoned it, but her personal experience slavery was relatively benign. Of course, benign to her because she wasn't a slave. It was interesting to see her grow, and have her feelings on all sorts of things (including slavery) change over the course of the book. She was a good person, and when confronted with the truth of things, she was willing to bend her opinions. As far as a story about a girl goes, this was a fine way to pass the time.
Ok. I live in South Carolina, which in in the Heart of Dixie and gateway to the Bible Belt. I'm not technically southern, because I spent the majority of my life in Florida. And while that state may be geographically southern, it ain't part of the South. Or so I've been told. On numerous occasions. Still, I've lived here (read: True South) long enough to find myself sort of wanting to defend these guys somewhat. See, there was this one line in the book that got under my skin and crawled around. It was an innocent enough statement made by Thomas to Violet, in order to calm her fears. This isn't a quote, but it went something like this: Don't worry the Union soldiers won't burn down (civilian) houses. And if they do they will make sure no one is inside... First, get real, dude. This was a war. Shit like that happened all the time. Besides, every southerner I know has a grandma. And that grandma has a friggin list. And on that list is every family home burned, every woman raped, and every item stolen from them...by those Damn Yankees. Nobody holds a grudge like the Rebels. Seriously. Second, it seems to be a prevailing theme in some of these books that Union soldiers were the Good Guys, fighting on God's side for nothing other than the freedom of the oppressed. Again. Get real. While freeing slaves might have been the battle cry, it wasn't the only objective. Now, I don't think anyone in their right mind thinks that it didn't need to happen. Slavery is an ugly blight on our history, and we're still feeling the repercussions of it today. But there were lots of factors involved, slavery was just the official reason. Kind of like 9/11 was the battle cry for invading Iraq. Oil and grudges didn't have anything to do with that one...
On the whole, though, I thought Nickerson wrote an interesting story. It might be a little slower than I wanted it to be, and it was definitely lighter on the retelling part than I was hoping, but it was still well-written. The characters stand out as the high point, with very few being truly good or evil. The stepmother and stepsister are both examples of how people can straddle that line, since they each turned out to be wildly different than I originally believed.
The reviews for this book run the gamut between Totally-Lurved to DNF'd-the-Sucker. If you're thinking of buying this one, you might want to paw through some of the other reviews and make sure this lines up with your taste. ...more
This was better than I remembered, but maybe not so good that I'd shove this series in anyone's face & beg them to read it. Still. DRAGONS!
[im3.5 stars
This was better than I remembered, but maybe not so good that I'd shove this series in anyone's face & beg them to read it. Still. DRAGONS!
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I guess more specifically, dragon. Because there's only one heir to the Dragon...thingy. Guild? I don't know. Whatever. It's not important. Just know that, unlike all the rest of the magical people, nobody even knew this type of person could exist. SURPRISE!
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This one has all of the characters from the previous two books in it, but the main focus is on Madison & Jason. I think I might rate this higher, but there were quite a few things I felt were either too rushed (view spoiler)[Jason's death (hide spoiler)], too glossed over (view spoiler)[why the ghost warriors could suddenly die (hide spoiler)], or too out of character (view spoiler)[ Seph's parents leaving for Europe, and never checking up on him or the town (hide spoiler)] for me to get 100% behind this one. However, I already have the next book on hold, so it does have that sumpin'-sumpin' that makes me want to see how it all turns out. I just hope it's worth it...
Whew! I finished this one this morning, and I'm glad I finally read it. I can't say, however, that I enjoyed it, would recommend it, or will ever readWhew! I finished this one this morning, and I'm glad I finally read it. I can't say, however, that I enjoyed it, would recommend it, or will ever read it again. Not in this lifetime, anyway.
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For starters, I didn't like Jane. Yeah, when she was a kid I felt sorry for her, but the older she got the less I liked her. Her religious convictions and the decisions she made because of them had Bertha looking like the picture of sanity by comparison. Speaking of, why in the world did she wander off in the middle of the night with no money? What did she think would happen? Was manna supposed to drop out of heaven? And I don't buy that an educated, sensible woman would just run off into the night without taking enough with her to make sure she could survive. An idiot would have better sense than that. But by the end of the story, I was almost wishing she had wandered off after St John and contracted some disease. The fact that she didn't totally realize what an awful freak St John was nailed the lid on her coffin to me. Even at the very end of the book, she kept talking about all of the great works he was doing for God.
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Seriously? He was an ass, and I would have told him to give me my five thousand pounds back! At least Bronte had the sense to kill him off at the end. Well, maybe he wasn't quite dead yet, but he was on his way to meet his maker. Ugh. I also thought it was more than just a teeny bit fishy that she ended up on the doorstep of the only family she had in the entire world. Exactly how likely is that? Not very.
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Then there is the man himself, Mr. Rochester. He wasn't anything to write home about for sure. Let's start with the obvious, shall we? He was cold, condescending, secretive. Wow. Oh yeah, and he was ugly to boot. Yum.
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Can anything else be said about him to make him more of a catch? I know! Just in case, let's have him keep a drooling homicidal wife hidden away in the attic! Personally, I think Bronte had covered all the bases at this point. Did he honestly not see anything wrong with letting her marry him while he had that crazy bat of a wife locked upstairs? If he had just told her the situation to start with, I might have liked him a little better. Nah. Probably not. I never actually figured out what she saw in him. My best guess ended up being low self-esteem coupled with a bad childhood.
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The 'gothic mystery' part of the plot ended in the middle of the book, and shortly thereafter ended anything remotely interesting. Say what you will about Looney Bertha, but at least she pumped some life into the story.
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And wasn't it just awesome that Bertha burned the house to the ground and then leaped to her death? Nice exit big girl! I gotta say, she was by far my favorite. Lest we forget, she also managed to mangle Rochester's good looks even more before she bowed out. Now Jane's man looks like a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple people eater. Of course, she doesn't mind, because now she feels she can be of use to him.
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Jane, I can tell we will never see eye-to-eye on things, so I'll just let it go. Our friendship was never meant to be. For some, you will forever remain the stoic heroine who finally gets her Happily Ever After. For me, you are just a ninny with bad taste in men. As Adele would say, Adieu. Reader, this review is over....more
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