Penn Jillette

I'm not sure why I've only now gotten around to reading this, but now it was. A collection of essays, some quite clever, others just clever, and a couple wtf? If you're sensitive, you might want to avert your eyes when reading this. Of course, if you're sensitive, why are you reading Penn Jillette? Maybe you only know him as the big guy ("To give you an idea of how stupid my size is, Teller is about the same size as Art Garfunkel. Teller & Garfunkel are two regular guys; Simon & Penn are waving to each other from about the same standard deviation on opposite sides of the bell curve.") who talks and does magic with the little guy who doesn't. I read one of his novels and like anyone who has seen their show in person, got to meet him after the show (same night that wacko shot a bunch of people with the now legal again, thanks corrupt SCOTUS, bump stocks). He talks about why they do that in here, and why they've always done that.

Anyway, it's an essay collection somewhat tied together by Penn's submitted-for-your-approval suggested replacements for a ten commandments version (I wonder which version Louisiana wants to use?) of what a faction says they want but probably haven't read, and probably don't know aren't actually ten (two somewhat different versions in two biblical books, and even more different among translations and interpretations.) I've collected them at the end of this.

He's quite crude at times, but then... the real Penn Jillette folks..., a few times laugh out loud funny. I'm glad there are folks like him out there.

Curated highlights:

[yeah, why is that?]
How come it’s rare to see people on TV saying that god made them lose the stupid ball game or killed that baby in the house fire? How come every time someone says that god told them to kill their whole family, the religious people say right away that the faithful murderer was crazy? You never see religious people saying “I wonder if that murder was a miracle. I wonder if god is speaking to us directly again.” Maybe they really don’t believe this shit either.
Gosh. It's really funny how the G man gets all the credit for the good stuff, yet none for the bad stuff that is part of His Plan.

[an important distinction]
I’m not a cynic, I’m a skeptic—I try to question information but not motives. But when it comes to David Blaine, I question motives.
I like this. and it's odd that when it comes to David Blaine, Jillette bashes the hell out of him, calls his non-magic stunts for the bulls*t they are, but is still a friend.

[audiences]
I love quiet crowds now; I don’t see them as lacking enthusiasm, I see them as paying attention.
I pay attention. Even at a concert, I am generally quiet, paying attention.

[on a recently ex-Orthodox ex-Jew who wanted to eat non-kosher foods]
If the religious can be silly enough to think that eating the right food makes you religious, we can play along for a meal and pretend that eating the wrong food will make you rational.

[on a pastor of his parents' church being run off by the elders when they finally figured out she was a lesbian]
Crimes against nature didn’t bug my dad, but he had a zero-tolerance policy for crimes against privacy.

[modern art]
Modern art is great, it really speaks to me on an intellectual and visceral level, but there’s a little stone in my shoe worrying that it might all be just jive.
I get told to leave the room if I ever (and I almost never anymore) say "that's not art."

My love and respect for the marketplace of ideas (that the only cure for bad speech is more speech)... I don't know about this. It's worse than ever since this was written in 2011.

[on people telling him they are praying for him to find Christ]
I haven’t found Christ. I’m not even looking for him. I don’t need or want salvation. I have no hope of eternal life, but I do have hope that hundreds of millions of pebbles of doubt will grow into boulders, and eventually religion will go away and people will celebrate and cherish and protect the precious life we have here now.

[on the arbitrariness of religion]
If every trace of any single religion were wiped out and nothing were passed on, it would never be created exactly that way again. There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense. If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone would find a way to figure it all out again.
This. I've seen this before. Now I know the source.

[on the TSA]
To react to an attack on our freedom with less freedom seems so deeply un-American.

[Seth MacFarlane]
I was on Larry King Live with Seth MacFarlane, the Family Guy guy. I like him. I like the pleasant feelings in my iPhone pocket when I’m with him. It’s the gentle vibration of women I know texting to remind me that, if I get a chance, I could give Seth their cell phone numbers.
Hah!

[be honest with yourself]
To be fair (and it’s always important to be fair when one is being mean-spirited, obscene, sanctimonious, and self-righteous) ...
He is critical of himself equally as much as he is others.

[more on religion]
...every time I heard the English translation of the Shahada, “There is no god but Allah,” I would hear the first four words and think it was great. I really agreed with the first four words, “There is no god . . .” Man, I am so down with that. Agreeing with two-thirds of something religious is a personal best for me.

[on faith]
The Fort Hood guy was Muslim, but a lot of people seem to want to say he “went postal” instead of “he went Islam.” Being a letter carrier is a job; Islam is a faith. Any job deserves respect; faith does not.
Truth.

Ten Commandments according to The Bible [TB], Penn Jillette [PJ]
[TB] 1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
[PJ] 1. The highest ideals are human intelligence, creativity, and love. Respect these above all.
[TB] 2. Thou shalt not make for thyself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate Me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
[PJ] 2. Do not put things or even ideas above other human beings. (Let’s scream at each other about Kindle versus iPad, solar versus nuclear, Republican versus Libertarian, Garth Brooks versus Sun Ra—but when your house is on fire, I’ll be there to help.)
[TB] 3. Thou shalt not take the name of the lord thy god in vain, for the lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.
[PJ] 3. Say what you mean, even when talking to yourself.(What used to be an oath to god is now quite simply respecting yourself.)
[TB] 4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days thou shalt labor and do all thy work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the lord thy god. In it thou shalt do no work: thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger who is within thy gates. For in six days the lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
[PJ] 4. Put aside some time to rest and think. (If you’re religious, that might be the Sabbath; if you’re a Vegas magician, that’ll be the day with the lowest grosses.)
[TB] 5. Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the lord thy god has given thee.
[PJ] 5. Be there for your family. Love your parents, your partner, and your children. (Love is deeper than honor, and parents matter, but so do spouse and children.)
[TB] 6. Thou shalt not kill.
[PJ] 6. Respect and protect all human life.(Many believe that “Thou shalt not kill” only refers to people in the same tribe. I say it’s all human life.)
[TB] 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
[PJ] 7. Keep your promises. (If you can’t be sexually exclusive to your spouse, don’t make that deal.)
[TB] 8. Thou shalt not steal.
[PJ] 8. Don’t steal. (This includes magic tricks and jokes—you know who you are!)
[TB] 9. Thou shalt not lie.
[PJ] 9. Don’t lie. (You know, unless you’re doing magic tricks and it’s part of your job. Does that make it okay for politicians too?)
[TB] 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house; thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to thy neighbor.
[PJ] 10. Don’t waste too much time wishing, hoping, and being envious; it’ll make you bugnutty.… (more)