Sophia Dembling

Chapter 27: "Fact 1: Some People Are Boring. Fact 2: You Are Not Obligated to Listen to Them."

This book is boring. Dembling writes about introversion almost exclusively from within her own experience of that trait. There's a sprinkling of science, but mostly The Introvert's Way is a memoir of Dembling's own life as an introvert.

Unfortunately, the type of introvert she is happens to be almost the exact opposite from the type of introvert I am. I found some of her writing helpful or recognizable: extraverts do tend to fill in my silence with their own meanings; I hate the telephone; I'm good at public speaking; and what makes any interaction worthwhile is a sense that I'm getting a return on my investment. But most of it...no.

I'm shy; she's not. The idea of being a flâneur, which fills Dembling with joy, horrifies me: I may watch pedestrians outside a cafe window while I'm looking up from a book, but actually going somewhere just to sit and watch people makes me feel like a creep. Unlike Dembling, big and flashy parties don't bother me: if I'm in the mood to socialize, 50 people are no different from 10; if I'm not in the mood to socialize, even one chattering person will irritate me. For perhaps this reason, I've never, ever experienced that "introvert stupor" Dembling kept mentioning.

Or maybe my lack of "introvert stupor" has more to do with the fact that my mind, while active and busy, never feels too full or full of noise, like Dembling's. Also unlike Dembling, I love to make decisions: I think quickly and make decisions quickly. (And as she herself quoted Dr. Robert Stelmack: "Speed of cognition is a function of intelligence, not personality. And the two are not highly correlated." So I'm honestly not sure why she kept harping on her slow thinking and decision-making as being an introverted tendency.) And also, I freaking love roller coasters...and even karaoke under the right circumstances, both of which Dembling hates.

This is not the introvert's way. It is an introvert's way. And it's an introvert's way that excludes rather than includes its own audience. It may be helpful for introverts who are really struggling to feel empowered in their tendencies and preferences toward solitude, but for those of us who've already figured out how to establish boundaries and catch a breath in the bathrooms and take a dose of socializing 'cuz it's good for us (even if it tastes bad), there's not much here.

I did appreciate learning about the Cheek and Buss shyness scale and discovering that Jennifer Grimes' work may be worth looking into, but both of those are incidental to the bulk of Dembling's writing. If you're a confident and experienced introvert looking to be inspired, you're better off picking up Susan Cain's Quiet than The Introvert's Way.… (more)