When Elves Attack Quotes

“You open a door and find a midget, and there’s no way you can be in a bad mood. It’s just not possible.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“With women, you don’t get to pick the meaning of what you mean. They do. All men understand this.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don’t question”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“Here's the plan: We do everything, all the traditions, and we do it grander than anyone ever dreamed! Here are the houselights, which will require extra generators so we don't smash the power grid, the holiday music CDs that will need waterproof outdoor concert speakers, the train set with extra boxes of tracks to connect all the rooms of the house, the toys where we forget the batteries, several gingerbread house kits we'll combine to form a mansion, DVDs of all the classic Christmas specials to run nonstop, mistletoe for all the doorways, the manger scene with a little Jesus that glows in the dark to emphasize the Holy Spirit third of the Trinity because he's the shy one who gets the least press, and all the presents we'll wrap together and give each other as Secret Santas.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper.

One of the firefighters look at the other. "Not again.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack: A Joyous Christmas Greeting from the Criminal Nutbars of the Sunshine State

“The post office in the city of Christmas, Florida, where thousands descend each year to get their holiday cards postmarked. It’s the best tradition we got, so fuck it, I’m rodeo-riding this cultural mutation.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“country today. No manners.” Serge unscrewed a thermos of coffee. “People used to hang out and actually communicate. But today they head to the mall and sit together at the Yogurt A Go-Go in their own separate spheres of mobile devices.” “What’s wrong with that?” “It’s destroying the art of conversation!” said Serge. “I love conversations!”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“Did you know that the first Christmas ever celebrated in North America took place in the Sunshine State? It’s true: In 1539, the discoverer Hernando de Soto held festivities in Tallahassee, and since it’s Florida, the spot is now marked by a kiosk.” Serge looked up at the stars. “What must it have been like in such a pioneering time to experience Christmas in the yet-unexploited peninsula. Better still, what if de Soto had Christmas lights? These are the questions that need to be asked. What kind of decoration would such a courageous explorer create to commemorate the first Christmas in the New World? Let us pretend.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“This is going to be the best display in the whole city! . . . Give me another string.” Coleman handed it up. “But why do we have to go through all this work if we’re just going to take it all down in a couple weeks?” “Because that’s the true meaning of Christmas. Running up the December electric bill.” Serge draped another strand over a palm frond.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“Remember Advent calendars?” “Can’t place it.” “That means you weren’t Catholic,” said Serge. “We’d get these cool cardboard calendars that marked off the days to Christmas, and each day you’d open a little perforated window and get a piece of chocolate. There was a lot of bribery in the Catholic Church.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“Right!” The guard took off around one end of the desk. The manager ran around the other. Circle after circle.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“That’s the key to love: Never explain yourself. If a woman attacks, and your response is explanations, then strap on a helmet.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“I love conversations!” “Why?” “Because we’re all crazy!” said Serge. “And that’s how society makes progress: imaginations getting together and glancing off each other in accidental tangents of invention.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“My name is Edith Grabowski. I’m ninety-three years old, and I’ve decided to stop having sex. I guess you just reach a certain age. There are only so many positions. Even fewer with the medical equipment. And the scares are more and more frequent. The guy shows up and smiles, “I brought my little blue pills,” like it’s the funniest romantic line ever. An hour later, his eyes bug out. “My heart! My heart!” And just before we hit the Life Alert button, “No, wait, another false alarm. Where were we?” Then he thinks we just simply pick up where we left off. You get old enough, you realize that’s the difference between men and women. Stopping to grab the nitroglycerin tablets is a definite mood-kill. Oh, and venereal disease. All these TV stations now reporting that some of the highest rates of STD in Florida are at senior citizen communities. That’s true, look it up on the Internet.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“I fuck conventional wisdom’s wife. Clipboard. Orange cones. You’re a mall cop. Not a real cop. My personal code is never harm real cops, who risk their lives every day. The Thin Blue Line. You’re an almost-cop, so harming you is a gray area. Thin Gray Line? Who knows? So I’ll err on the side of decency and ask nice. Don’t yell at any more kids before you’re fired.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“What are they going to say?” Serge stopped skipping. “It’s like clipboards. You walk around all smart and serious, writing on a clipboard, and people stand back in respect. Or orange cones. You can buy them at any Home Depot. Then you set them out according to your needs, and the public thinks, ‘He must be official. He’s got orange cones.’ Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don’t question . . . I need coffee. There’s the Coffee Circus.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“That’s the whole key to life: Fuck the conventional wisdom on elves.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“So how do we spread this good cheer?” “Maybe by skipping. Let’s try skipping. You see someone skipping, and you wish wars would stop. Children skip all the time, but you become an adult and forget to skip. Let’s skip.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“Serge,” said Coleman. “Are we shopping?” “No, I just love coming to the mall at Christmas, digging how stores tap into the whole holiday spirit, especially the bookstores with their special bargain displays.” “Displays?” asked Coleman. “Big ones near the front,” said Serge. “If you want to show someone you put absolutely zero thought into their gift, you buy a giant picture book about steam locomotives, ceramic thimbles, or Scotland.” “But why are we wearing elf suits?” “To spread good cheer.” “What for?” “Because of the War on Christmas.” “Who started the war?” asked Coleman. “Ironically, the very people who coined the term and claim others started the war. They’re upset that people of different faiths, along with the coexistence crowd who respect those faiths, are saying ‘Season’s Greetings’ and ‘Happy Holidays.’ But nobody’s stopping anyone from saying ‘Merry Christmas.’ ” “And they’re still mad?” Serge shrugged. “It’s the new holiness: Tolerance can’t be tolerated. So they hijack the birth of Jesus as a weapon to start quarrels and order people around. Christmas should be about the innocence of children—and adults reverting to children to rediscover their innocence. That’s why we’re in elf suits. We’re taking Christmas back!”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“That’s the problem with this generation. No sense of history. They haven’t the foggiest notion of all the sacrifices that have been made so they can safely lounge about this country texting and tweeting . . .”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“Tampa: Visit again soon: Almost got our shit together.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack