✘✘ Sarah ✘✘ (former Nefarious Breeder of Murderous Crustaceans)'s Reviews > The Grey Bastards

💀 DNF at 58%.

Yes, I dared DNF and award 1 pathetically miserable little star to a book with a 4.15-star average rating. Not to mention that I had the audacity to write a negative review about it, too. Goes to show that I’ve lost nothing of my legendary despicability, despite all evidence to the contrary. So go me and stuff. (view spoiler)[

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Sooooo, this would have been a delightful little tale about a bunch of gleeful, fun-loving, pacifist half-orcs (they were shortlisted for the Nobel Peace Prize a few years ago, from what I’m told), had the women in it not been portrayed in a quite very slightly infuriating manner. Which might or might not have possibly made me felt like unleashing my murderous children on the author quite a few times as I was reading the book.

And what would call for such an uncharacteristic bout of violence on my part, you ask? Well maybe the fact that the female characters in this story—charmingly and most elegantly referred to as “cunnies” and “cunts” and “pussies” and “slashes” and “quims” and other similarly enchanting monikers, because this is a world of manly macho males who are super manly and macho and stuff, and therefore have to show zero bloody shrimping respect for things with “slits” women—are either whores or broodmares barely good enough to raise and feed children. Okay okay, let’s not be too harsh here. It is true that some women in the book do have greater callings. Like being raped. And beaten the crap out of. And enslaved. And generally abused. So yay and stuff.



But hey, it’s not ALL bad. Take Fetching’s character for example. (Let’s put aside the fact that she earned this lovely nickname because, as a woman, her two only missions in life are “fucking and fetching,” shall we?) Now there’s a strong, kickass chick! Okay, so she’s Slightly Very Unlikeable (SVU™), but what woman isn’t, I ask you? And it just so happens that she pretends to be gay to better fit in with her Manly Macho Men (M³) colleagues, but there’s nothing really wrong with that, IS THERE? I mean, she's trying Super Extra Hard to be one of the guys, so it would make sense for her to play lesbian, RIGHT? Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that all gay women are masculine as fish and act like men, RIGHT? Besides, it makes sense that Mr French would choose to give dear Fetch all the attributes of masculinity. I mean, it’s not like feminine women who act and dress womanly can be badasses. Of course they can’t. Don’t be silly now. This is a scientifically proven fact that has been scientifically proven numerous times. Most recently by my very good friend Lovely Henry. She’s quite the figurative male, my Henry. It pleases me greatly. (view spoiler)[

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Now, the great thing is, not only is this book a highly progressive feminist pamphlet, it also comes fully equipped with truckloads of refined, exquisite lingo reminiscent of The Heresy Within. (I’m beginning to think Messrs French and Hayes are fourth cousins thrice removed or something.) At no extra charge! Imagine that! Ah, the non-stop, crude, lame banter! Ah, the constant sexual references and pathetic dick “cod” puns and jokes and pranks and stuff! Such gloriously bad taste all around! What joy and glee this brings me!



Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, I ain’t ♫ too proud to beg ♫ one of those clean-reading prudes *shudders* who instantly self-combust in the presence of sexual innuendo and boorish manners. And yes, I understand that this unsavoury display of unsavoury expressions is supposed to be a reflection of what a Neanderthal-like Brutally Brutal Clique (BBC™) the half-orcs are. But does that mean every single distasteful line of every single distasteful dialogue needs to be about sex and/or about women as sex objects to be debased and used? Not unless you’re writing for a bunch of horny, sex-deprived teenage boys, it doesn’t.

➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): this book could have been an entertaining, gritty, violent, deliciously dark fest. Only that it wasn’t. Because putting more focus on your ridiculously sex-obsessed, misogynistic, flat characters than on your plot and world-building does not a good book make. So QED and stuff.

P.S. I’m unleashing both Lady and her great great grandma Mist on this book. Just so that the supposed hardasses in this charming little story get an idea of what Real Badass Chicks (RBC™) are capable of. I see lots of severed little half-orc heads in this book’s future. Fun times.



P.P.S. Want to read a Slightly Very Good (SVG™) SPFBO winner with a strong, empowering female character? Read my girlfriend Amra's adventures. You're welcome.



[Pre-review nonsense]

Why DNF such a highly rated book, you ask? Because a) everyone but me has I have Despicable Book Taste (DBT™), b) feminism committed suicide way too many times while I was reading this delightful piece of crap literature and I'm ever so slightly pissed off as a result, c) it kinda sorta reminded me of The Colour of Vengeance *shudders* and d) reasons. Ergo, out of here I am.



➽ Review to come and stuff.