Comical Quotes

“Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked...
"Go ahead," Newt replied.
Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'
Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.
'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.”
― James Dashner, The Maze Runner

“-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."

-"It was stupid.”
― Lloyd Alexander, Westmark

“Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.”
― Carroll Bryant

“The look Anthony shot at his sister was so comically malevolent Simon nearly laughed. He managed to restrain himself, but mostly just because he was fairly certain that any show of humor would cause Anthony's fist to lose its battle with his brain, with Simon's face emerging as the conflict's primary casualty.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“I've never been lost, but I was mighty turned around for three days once.”
― Daniel Boone

“Well Connor thought ruefully At least now I know who to thank for my anger issues.”
― Justin Somper, Black Heart

“We rose from our chairs and bowed at each other, Japanese-style. The eight of them sat on the opposite side of the table to us, leaving the middle chair empty. All looking at us, no-one speaking a word. A long minute later, a very short, rather elderly lady – also dressed in funereal black – waddled in and seated herself in the empty chair in the middle of the row, directly facing us. She smiled; well, she attempted to twist her mouth. Too much effort. Her expression reverted to seriousness. Lin, sitting next to her, now spoke and introduced her as the Managing Director. She didn’t speak any English. Nor, it transpired, did any of the others – or if they did, we would never know, as either they weren’t brave enough to try or were inhibited by the business hierarchy. A scene that could have come out of Kafka.”
― Oliver Dowson, There's No Business Like International Business: Business Travel – But Not As You Know It

“It's okay to laugh, you know. The earth's not going to split open. You're not going to hell. Believe me. If there's a hell, I'll be there ahead of you, and they'll be too busy with me to even check you in.”
― Jennifer Niven, All the Bright Places

“One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.”
― Carroll Bryant

“In Brazil, every road, bridge and viaduct has been given a name, usually that of some long-forgotten personage who was once famous for doing something worthy. Honestly, every one of them; deeper into the country, I’ve even found unsurfaced dirt tracks given names. I’m never likely to have even five minutes of fame, but if I did, I don’t think I’d want to be remembered by a dirt track going from Nowhere Town to Obscure Village.”
― Oliver Dowson, There's No Business Like International Business: Business Travel – But Not As You Know It

“Mierda.” José screeched to a halt, and reversed to start a three-point turn – of which points two and three never materialised as, looking back, the road from where we’d come was now filled side-to-side by an advancing column of police, some with riot shields, some on horseback, marching towards us. José decided, quite reasonably in my opinion, that this wasn’t a place to be trapped so his passenger could try out his Spanish with the Venezuelan Riot Police. His solution – drive straight ahead at a tangent to the road, across a vast stretch of wasteland.”
― Oliver Dowson, There's No Business Like International Business: Business Travel – But Not As You Know It

“Stark raving mad.”
― Stieg Larsson

“...You see I believe in that stuff to: yoga and mystical powers. I once knew a man who could kill himself on command. Can you believe that? . . . Why do you laugh? . . . Believe it! By will of his own mind, he could make his heart stop beating for good' My neighbor poised and looked seriously at me, searching in my eyes. '...You laugh!' he repeated once more… 'You laugh, but he was a master at it! He could commit suicide at his own will!'
Indeed, hearty laughter streamed through my nose. 'Could he do it perpetually?' I asked.
'Perpetually...?' My neighbor rubbed his waxy chin.
'I mean, is he still able to do it?'
'I’m not sure I understand.'
'Well? Then is he dead…?!'
My neighbor's puzzled face slowly began to transform into a look of realization. 'But sir,' he said, 'Of course he’s dead! I mean to say... this man could kill himself on command, you see. And you don’t come back from the dead!'
The two of us found ourselves crossing to the door so I could let my visitor out. I slapped him with friendliness on the shoulder.
'No, you don’t come back from the dead,' I agreed.”
― Roman Payne

“The questions appeared to be pre-rehearsed. The senior people spoke to the young one in Japanese, and he translated. I answered, and he translated back. Another one. Another one. And one more, that I felt needed a longer answer. Only then did I also notice that there was a clock on the wall opposite me, ticking past 11:59. I opened my mouth and began my answer. To my astonishment, mid-sentence, everyone just stood up, bowed, turned to their right and, in line, walked out of the room. Even while I was talking. They weren’t being rude. It’s just how meetings in Japan work.”
― Oliver Dowson, There's No Business Like International Business: Business Travel – But Not As You Know It

“Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.”
― Carroll Bryant

“What is the world coming to, with these modern women? A man can't tell them what to do.”
― Tessa Dare, Twice Tempted by a Rogue

“All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.”
― Carroll Bryant

“It seems to me that very sad things always contain an element of the comical”
― Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman

“How should I know?" said Alice, surprised at her own courage. "It's no business of mine."
The Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast, began screaming "Off with her head! Off with--"
"Nonsense!" said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen was silent.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass

“We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon.”
― Daniel Quinn, My Ishmael

“I have a feeling we're mooning a mean junkyard dog, all brave and laughing - until the dog's leash breaks”
― Kevin J. Anderson

“What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.”
― Carroll Bryant

“You dare quarrel with me Doerwyne?

She wrinkled her nose. "It's not quarreling to express an opinion'"

"Women don't have opinions."

"Then I must be a man, because I have plenty.”
― Georgia Fox, The Virgin Proxy

“Go get sandblasted in the urethra.”
― Ashe Ulrich

“Throw the offerings!"
Agnes and her husband had returned--- I could just make them out, clambering unsteadily down the hillside with their lanterns raised. In an act of ill-advised and entirely undeserved kindness, they had gathered up a handful of villagers to ride to the rescue of the idiot scholars who had tangled with the most fearsome of the local Folk, despite their warnings. A strangled sound escaped me, something between a sob and laugh.
"Get back!" Eichorn shouted at the villagers. Rose was clambering to his feet, wheezing, for the fauns had released him to snatch at the "offerings" tossed their way by the villagers. I would have expected bloody hunks of meat, but instead, ludicrously, they seemed to be throwing vegetables--- carrots and onions, predominantly.
How did it happen? The scene is a blur of noise and movement, to my memory. I believe I was laughing at the time--- yes, laughing. The image of those nightmarish beasts appeased by a hail of carrots was too much for my frayed composure, and for a moment it seemed this would become another story I told at conferences or to rouse a laugh from my students. For the Folk are terrible indeed, monsters or tyrants or both, but are they not also ridiculous? Whether they be violent beasts distracted by vegetables, or creatures powerful enough to spin straw into gold, which they will happily exchange for a simple necklace, or a great king overthrown by his own cloak, there is a thread of the absurd weaving through all faerie stories, to which the Folk themselves are utterly oblivious.”
― Heather Fawcett, Emily Wilde’s Map of the Otherlands

“When the sun peeped into the girls' room early next morning...he saw a comical sight. Each had made such preparation for the fete as seemed necessary and proper. Meg had an extra row of little curl papers across her forehead, Jo had copiously anointed her afflicted face with cold cream. Beth had taken Joanna to bed with her to atone for the approaching separation, and Amy had capped the climax by putting a clothespin on her nose, to uplift the offending feature. It was one of the kind artists use to hold their paper on the drawing boards, therefore quite appropriate and effective for the purpose to which it was now put. This funny spectacle appeared to amuse the sun, for he burst out with such radiance that Jo woke up, and roused the girls with a hearty laugh at Amy's ornament.”
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

“Frenzy followed. The sword flew around his head like the wings on a helicopter, even lifting him from the ground a few times.”
― Sam Guydude, Coolman

“There,” she heard him say with satisfaction, and the plaid slipped off and into his hands.
“Oh, my,” she said a little faintly.”
― Fenna Edgewood, Lady Briar Weds the Scot

“It hurt to look at him. Hurt to know he wanted her but would not risk the pain of heartbreak a second time.
Well, Briar Blakeley had already lost her heart to her husband. And she would be damned if she was going to be the only one in this marriage to do so.”
― Fenna Edgewood, Lady Briar Weds the Scot

“It's impossible to catch feelings on a Bow Flex.”
― Kate Goldbeck, You, Again