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Oddly Normal: One Family's Struggle to Help Their Teenage Son Come to Terms with His Sexuality
A heartfelt memoir by the father of a gay teen, and an eye-opening story for families who hope to bring up well-adjusted gay adults.
Three years ago, John Schwartz, a national correspondent at The New York Times, got the call that every parent hopes never to receive: his thirteen-year-old son, Joe, was in the hospital following a failed suicide attempt. After mustering the courage to come out to his classmates, Joe’s disclosure — delivered in a tirade about homophobic attitudes—was greeted with dismay and confusion by his fellow students. Hours later, he took an overdose of pills.
Additionally, John and his wife, Jeanne, found that their son’s school was unable to address Joe’s special needs. Angry and frustrated, they initiated their own search for services and groups that could help Joe understand that he wasn’t alone. Oddly Normal is Schwartz’s very personal attempt to address his family’s own struggles within a culture that is changing fast, but not fast enough to help gay kids like Joe.
Schwartz follows Joseph through childhood to the present day, interweaving his narrative with common questions, including: Are effeminate boys and tomboy girls necessarily gay? Is there a relationship between being gay and suicide or mental illness? Should a child be pushed into coming out? Parents, teachers, and counselors alike will welcome Oddly Normal and its crucial lessons about helping gay kids –and any kid who is different -- learn how to cope in a potentially hostile world.
Three years ago, John Schwartz, a national correspondent at The New York Times, got the call that every parent hopes never to receive: his thirteen-year-old son, Joe, was in the hospital following a failed suicide attempt. After mustering the courage to come out to his classmates, Joe’s disclosure — delivered in a tirade about homophobic attitudes—was greeted with dismay and confusion by his fellow students. Hours later, he took an overdose of pills.
Additionally, John and his wife, Jeanne, found that their son’s school was unable to address Joe’s special needs. Angry and frustrated, they initiated their own search for services and groups that could help Joe understand that he wasn’t alone. Oddly Normal is Schwartz’s very personal attempt to address his family’s own struggles within a culture that is changing fast, but not fast enough to help gay kids like Joe.
Schwartz follows Joseph through childhood to the present day, interweaving his narrative with common questions, including: Are effeminate boys and tomboy girls necessarily gay? Is there a relationship between being gay and suicide or mental illness? Should a child be pushed into coming out? Parents, teachers, and counselors alike will welcome Oddly Normal and its crucial lessons about helping gay kids –and any kid who is different -- learn how to cope in a potentially hostile world.
290 pages, Hardcover
First published November 8, 2012
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 181 reviews
December 18, 2012
Full disclosure - I only read the first 100 pages. Why did I stop?
Well, it's not because the subject matter isn't interesting. A gay teen trying to kill himself. And it's not because it's the story of one family's struggle to make it through a difficult time. I am all for family angst.
I stopped because while I applaud Schwartz for writing about something very difficult, he has made this book about his own struggle and justifications for the choices he made as a parent, and in the first 100 pages at least, hardly anything is really about his son.
There is a tone to this book that is very off-putting. It's cold, detached and the work of a writer who has clearly written for the NY Times. There is a lack of humanity in the book I found bitter and because life is short and there are a stack of books waiting next in my home to be read, I can't bother with books that aren't worth my time after the first 100 pages.
Also, as a gay man growing up in a dysfunctional house as a gay kid, I've read a TON of coming out books and there is absolutely nothing new here. It's all been written before and with more humor and awareness. There is a stiff style to the prose, a 'academic, cardigan wearing East coast' style that is just not very welcoming. The prose are jarring and there is no order to the story. It's facts and incidents and no flow, no story. It's odd.
Add to that the lack of awareness on Schwartz part and his blaming of the system for his kids social and psychological issues and it just...left me feeling like he's the kind of guy I'd meet at a party and after ten minutes I'd wish him the best but I'd probably walk away and not return.
There are so many other books for parents to read on the issues they face raising a gay kid. It's a huge issue. But this dry, unaware although well-intended book isn't the answer, nor does it advance this niche in any way.
Although I'm sure Schwartz is a perfectly lovely man in life, I have a feeling there is a lack of awareness on his part as to how his part plays in the role of his kid versus the inner life of his own kid that would have made for a much more honest and readable book.
Well, it's not because the subject matter isn't interesting. A gay teen trying to kill himself. And it's not because it's the story of one family's struggle to make it through a difficult time. I am all for family angst.
I stopped because while I applaud Schwartz for writing about something very difficult, he has made this book about his own struggle and justifications for the choices he made as a parent, and in the first 100 pages at least, hardly anything is really about his son.
There is a tone to this book that is very off-putting. It's cold, detached and the work of a writer who has clearly written for the NY Times. There is a lack of humanity in the book I found bitter and because life is short and there are a stack of books waiting next in my home to be read, I can't bother with books that aren't worth my time after the first 100 pages.
Also, as a gay man growing up in a dysfunctional house as a gay kid, I've read a TON of coming out books and there is absolutely nothing new here. It's all been written before and with more humor and awareness. There is a stiff style to the prose, a 'academic, cardigan wearing East coast' style that is just not very welcoming. The prose are jarring and there is no order to the story. It's facts and incidents and no flow, no story. It's odd.
Add to that the lack of awareness on Schwartz part and his blaming of the system for his kids social and psychological issues and it just...left me feeling like he's the kind of guy I'd meet at a party and after ten minutes I'd wish him the best but I'd probably walk away and not return.
There are so many other books for parents to read on the issues they face raising a gay kid. It's a huge issue. But this dry, unaware although well-intended book isn't the answer, nor does it advance this niche in any way.
Although I'm sure Schwartz is a perfectly lovely man in life, I have a feeling there is a lack of awareness on his part as to how his part plays in the role of his kid versus the inner life of his own kid that would have made for a much more honest and readable book.
February 3, 2013
I wish I could have read this book when my son was in the public school system. Many of the author's experiences rang true, especially the interest by school employees in diagnosing his child with labels from the DSM that reflect psychological trends rather than behavioral reality. It seems that the school system felt more comfortable declaring a child autistic than attempting to understand his sexual orientation.
Schwartz gives an excellent description of the ways in which the closet creates emotional and psychological stress in gay children, which in turn makes it difficult for them to socialize into the classroom. The Schwartzes were strong advocates for their son, spending thousands of dollars for therapy that their insurance didn't cover, and regularly confronting teachers and school administrators with their concerns about the ways their son was being mistreated in the classroom. The fact that they were not wealthy and had modest means, being a single income family with three children, helped me to relate to their story. Although Schwartz makes clear that the book describes one person's struggle and that the experience cannot be generalized, I recommended this book highly to any parent whose child doesn't quite fit in because he or she is "oddly normal."
Schwartz gives an excellent description of the ways in which the closet creates emotional and psychological stress in gay children, which in turn makes it difficult for them to socialize into the classroom. The Schwartzes were strong advocates for their son, spending thousands of dollars for therapy that their insurance didn't cover, and regularly confronting teachers and school administrators with their concerns about the ways their son was being mistreated in the classroom. The fact that they were not wealthy and had modest means, being a single income family with three children, helped me to relate to their story. Although Schwartz makes clear that the book describes one person's struggle and that the experience cannot be generalized, I recommended this book highly to any parent whose child doesn't quite fit in because he or she is "oddly normal."
January 21, 2013
I read several good reviews of this book, so I snatched it off the shelf when I saw it at the library. I groaned at the first few pages - the author seemed to employ all the stereotypes of gay children. But this improved as the book went on, and he and his wife really are sympathetic parents.
The book is a story of their young son not only dealing with his sexual orientation, but a number of other emotional and learning issues that may or may not have been caused or exacerbated by his sexual orientation. I was drawn into this part of the book. The chapters that dealt with legalities, public policy and medical science were not as strong. Because they were just part of the author's larger personal story, they could only begin to touch on the issues, yet had too much info to merely support the narrative. I think it would have been a stronger book if he had omitted those chapters and only used pieces of info from them to inform his family's story.
What I found most intriguing was his discussion of his family's interaction with the school system. The family lives in one of the highest ranked school districts in the country, yet the lack of communication with parents was horrendous. The parents learned a lot over the years on how to advocate for their son, and I would love to see the couple write a book on this specific subject. By the end of the book I feel they had reached an excellent balance of being very supportive of their son and watchful of the school system to make sure their son was getting what he needed/was entitled to without being overbearing. I think other parents could really benefit from hearing more about their experience and tips for dealing with school systems.
Obviously, the parents know their child much better than I do from a short book, but the way the book was written, I felt like the author was pointing to his son's sexuality as the source of all his problems, but it didn't read that way from the book. There were many other things going on with this kid that the schools should have been addressing better even if they didn't address his sexuality.
It sounds like the author's wife did a herculean job in supporting her son, and I admired her. At the end of the book the author acknowledges that his wife really co-wrote the book with him. So my question is, why isn't her name on the cover too?
The book is a story of their young son not only dealing with his sexual orientation, but a number of other emotional and learning issues that may or may not have been caused or exacerbated by his sexual orientation. I was drawn into this part of the book. The chapters that dealt with legalities, public policy and medical science were not as strong. Because they were just part of the author's larger personal story, they could only begin to touch on the issues, yet had too much info to merely support the narrative. I think it would have been a stronger book if he had omitted those chapters and only used pieces of info from them to inform his family's story.
What I found most intriguing was his discussion of his family's interaction with the school system. The family lives in one of the highest ranked school districts in the country, yet the lack of communication with parents was horrendous. The parents learned a lot over the years on how to advocate for their son, and I would love to see the couple write a book on this specific subject. By the end of the book I feel they had reached an excellent balance of being very supportive of their son and watchful of the school system to make sure their son was getting what he needed/was entitled to without being overbearing. I think other parents could really benefit from hearing more about their experience and tips for dealing with school systems.
Obviously, the parents know their child much better than I do from a short book, but the way the book was written, I felt like the author was pointing to his son's sexuality as the source of all his problems, but it didn't read that way from the book. There were many other things going on with this kid that the schools should have been addressing better even if they didn't address his sexuality.
It sounds like the author's wife did a herculean job in supporting her son, and I admired her. At the end of the book the author acknowledges that his wife really co-wrote the book with him. So my question is, why isn't her name on the cover too?
February 14, 2013
Excellent read - it is authentic, and straight from the heart. You can really sense how much these parents love their son and how bewildered they are as how to help him cope with dealing with a society that refuses to understand and refuses to be flexible. The author does not present himself as an expert (the sections on his belief that most gay men/boys are effeminate show this well - those studies are REALLY out-of-date), but instead both he and his wife try to act like this child's buffer from a cold, cruel and uncaring world bent on victimizing him. This comes highly recommended - and if you are queer, you know this boy's pain well.
March 2, 2013
Times are changing for so many gay youth. I could not believe this family's total involvement in their son's emotional and physical health. Understanding early that he was gay, and actually wanting him to come out when so many other families are devastated by such news. What a world this could be if all parents put so much effort into their children's lives. I also found the book to be very informative with the effects of CA's prop 8, and many federal court rulings. A very current and wonderful read.
April 15, 2017
I think that this is an amazing book for parents to read (any parents, not just parents of gay kids, though it is especially impactful for them). It is clear where Joseph learned his excellent writing skills, and it was an honor to be able to peek into the lives of such extraordinary people. I found myself identifying with my own past experiences and as someone from the lgbtq+ community I find it refreshing to read about such open minded parents. Indeed, as John points out, most parents are not nearly as supportive. This book has an excellent message and I encourage everyone to read it.
March 3, 2013
I didn't like this one, and I was expecting to. It seemed like he kept tying everything back to the fact that his son was gay, was in fact it appeared he had many other issues aside from that, and tying them to his sexuality just seemed rather bizarre. I didn't learn anything new. I do wish his son the best.
September 13, 2013
I picked up this book looking for ideas because I am concerned about the challenges a preteen effeminate relative may face in the next few years.
I found this book interesting and I liked the writing style BUT I also found it incredibly offensive, and unscientific.
Some complaints:
-Schwartz defines transgender people as men who believe they are women, and women who believe they are men. That has got to be one of the most offensive definitions of transgender I have ever come across from somebody who is apparently not trying to be offensive.
In his discussion of gender bending children, it is also interesting in a bad way that he is clearly interested in saying that most effeminate boys are gay, not transgender- because he says it in a way that suggests that the possibility of transgender should not be considered.
I believe that this is a very large flaw in the book because Schwartz makes a large argument that BEING GAY is what causes the minority experience that his son has, whereas it seems far more likely that being gender variant (and not interest in boys) is the larger issue.
-Schwartz is also extremely interested in saying his son is NOT autistic. As an autistic person reading this book because of an autistic relative, that was pretty bothersome. Especially because Schwarz's ideas of what autism and Asperger's are, are pretty darned skewed. He says his son can't have Asperger's because he's eventually going to college... hello? So did some of the first people that were diagnosed. Many colleges have Asperger support groups. He talks about Asperger's being invalid because of its non-inclusion in the next DSM... but his preferred diagnosis of PDD-NOS is also not included in DSM 5, for the same exact reasons that Asperger's isn't; to wit, they are not distinguishable for autism.
I find Schwartz's insistance on his son's non-autistic status problematic in addition to being offensive because his son's autistic traits are in large part what creates his social problems and depression. Also, while being gay may or may not be linked to autistic spectrum conditions, acting gender variant is.
-Schwartz frequently notes the invalidity of various statistics or facts and then says them anyways. For instance, he says that there is no good data on suicide attempt rates in gay youth, but nonetheless he says many times that gay youth have 2-3x the suicide rate of straight youth. Make up your mind, mister.
- I am a big believer in homeschooling. I especially believe that homeschooling is a great way to get your vulnerable child away from abusive teachers and social situations. When you know that your child is being abused at school, how can you justify sending the child to that school? I don't get it.
Some things I did like:
- The subject matter- the questions raised.
- That this book was written with the approval of the subject of the book.
- The easy readability.
- That Schwartz is, ultimately, trying to help his son.
I read this book a lot because of my relative. But I have a lot in common with his son- I am a queer autistic who attempted suicide younger than his son did. My parents were not surprised by my suicide attempt, and they reacted with hostility to my coming out. So to me, there is always something precious in parents who believe that their child's problems are problems for them too, and not in a what-will-the-neighbors-think kind of way.
So this book made me cry, and that's why I'm giving it three stars and not one or two.
I found this book interesting and I liked the writing style BUT I also found it incredibly offensive, and unscientific.
Some complaints:
-Schwartz defines transgender people as men who believe they are women, and women who believe they are men. That has got to be one of the most offensive definitions of transgender I have ever come across from somebody who is apparently not trying to be offensive.
In his discussion of gender bending children, it is also interesting in a bad way that he is clearly interested in saying that most effeminate boys are gay, not transgender- because he says it in a way that suggests that the possibility of transgender should not be considered.
I believe that this is a very large flaw in the book because Schwartz makes a large argument that BEING GAY is what causes the minority experience that his son has, whereas it seems far more likely that being gender variant (and not interest in boys) is the larger issue.
-Schwartz is also extremely interested in saying his son is NOT autistic. As an autistic person reading this book because of an autistic relative, that was pretty bothersome. Especially because Schwarz's ideas of what autism and Asperger's are, are pretty darned skewed. He says his son can't have Asperger's because he's eventually going to college... hello? So did some of the first people that were diagnosed. Many colleges have Asperger support groups. He talks about Asperger's being invalid because of its non-inclusion in the next DSM... but his preferred diagnosis of PDD-NOS is also not included in DSM 5, for the same exact reasons that Asperger's isn't; to wit, they are not distinguishable for autism.
I find Schwartz's insistance on his son's non-autistic status problematic in addition to being offensive because his son's autistic traits are in large part what creates his social problems and depression. Also, while being gay may or may not be linked to autistic spectrum conditions, acting gender variant is.
-Schwartz frequently notes the invalidity of various statistics or facts and then says them anyways. For instance, he says that there is no good data on suicide attempt rates in gay youth, but nonetheless he says many times that gay youth have 2-3x the suicide rate of straight youth. Make up your mind, mister.
- I am a big believer in homeschooling. I especially believe that homeschooling is a great way to get your vulnerable child away from abusive teachers and social situations. When you know that your child is being abused at school, how can you justify sending the child to that school? I don't get it.
Some things I did like:
- The subject matter- the questions raised.
- That this book was written with the approval of the subject of the book.
- The easy readability.
- That Schwartz is, ultimately, trying to help his son.
I read this book a lot because of my relative. But I have a lot in common with his son- I am a queer autistic who attempted suicide younger than his son did. My parents were not surprised by my suicide attempt, and they reacted with hostility to my coming out. So to me, there is always something precious in parents who believe that their child's problems are problems for them too, and not in a what-will-the-neighbors-think kind of way.
So this book made me cry, and that's why I'm giving it three stars and not one or two.
November 26, 2012
In short: I found this book to be simultaneously uplifting, helpful, and troubling.
More specifically: The pages that detail Ilan Meyer's testimony at the Proposition 8 trial regarding his ideas about 'minority stress' made this book well worth the time spent reading it. This is a concept that I've read about parenthetically in news articles, but I had not read a detailed explanation until this book came along. It's an idea that resonates with my own experience and has given me a number of things to think about. Meyer's article "Minority Stress and Mental Health in Gay Men" is available on JSTOR.
But beyond this section, the book made me feel somewhat schizophrenic and sometimes uncomfortable. The first and second chapters presented me with an emotional experience. John Schwartz and his wife are very supportive parents who were clearly comfortable with having a gay son from the moment he was born. Unfortunately I think there's a downside to having ultra-supportive parents, something that has been referred to as 'helicopter parenting.' The 6 and 10 page memos the parents sent to the teachers made me wonder how the teachers felt. When does loving parenting cross the line? Does the child really benefit from this parenting style?
I found the number of exact historical details in the book a bit puzzling. The entire book is told in retrospect and is filled with exact details of meetings, conversations, letters and emails that span about 15 years. Despite assurances that everything was documented as it happened, it creates a picture of obsessive parents who were convinced from the day their son was born that he would need a lawyer to document every human interaction he ever had.
One troubling question that occurred to me when I finished the book: How much consent can a teenager give when his father tells him that he wants to write a book about him? I'm sure the child felt honored, but does a teenager have the emotional maturity to understand the consequences a tell-all book like this might have on his life?
I don't want this to seem as if I didn't appreciate the book: It's a very touching and loving tribute from a father to his son. As a gay man, I wish every gay child had a father half as devoted and loving as John Schwartz. Once I started reading the book, I couldn't put it down. I'm troubled, however, by what this book is going to mean to Joseph Schwartz as he becomes an adult. As a gay man I identified somewhat with Joseph Schwartz. He's the hero of the book in a way. I wonder if everyone's interests would have been served better if the book had been published a few years from now when Joseph is an adult and then could be a contributing voice in the book.
More specifically: The pages that detail Ilan Meyer's testimony at the Proposition 8 trial regarding his ideas about 'minority stress' made this book well worth the time spent reading it. This is a concept that I've read about parenthetically in news articles, but I had not read a detailed explanation until this book came along. It's an idea that resonates with my own experience and has given me a number of things to think about. Meyer's article "Minority Stress and Mental Health in Gay Men" is available on JSTOR.
But beyond this section, the book made me feel somewhat schizophrenic and sometimes uncomfortable. The first and second chapters presented me with an emotional experience. John Schwartz and his wife are very supportive parents who were clearly comfortable with having a gay son from the moment he was born. Unfortunately I think there's a downside to having ultra-supportive parents, something that has been referred to as 'helicopter parenting.' The 6 and 10 page memos the parents sent to the teachers made me wonder how the teachers felt. When does loving parenting cross the line? Does the child really benefit from this parenting style?
I found the number of exact historical details in the book a bit puzzling. The entire book is told in retrospect and is filled with exact details of meetings, conversations, letters and emails that span about 15 years. Despite assurances that everything was documented as it happened, it creates a picture of obsessive parents who were convinced from the day their son was born that he would need a lawyer to document every human interaction he ever had.
One troubling question that occurred to me when I finished the book: How much consent can a teenager give when his father tells him that he wants to write a book about him? I'm sure the child felt honored, but does a teenager have the emotional maturity to understand the consequences a tell-all book like this might have on his life?
I don't want this to seem as if I didn't appreciate the book: It's a very touching and loving tribute from a father to his son. As a gay man, I wish every gay child had a father half as devoted and loving as John Schwartz. Once I started reading the book, I couldn't put it down. I'm troubled, however, by what this book is going to mean to Joseph Schwartz as he becomes an adult. As a gay man I identified somewhat with Joseph Schwartz. He's the hero of the book in a way. I wonder if everyone's interests would have been served better if the book had been published a few years from now when Joseph is an adult and then could be a contributing voice in the book.
January 8, 2013
I don't typically comment on books, but this was a hard one for me not to. On one hand, I thoroughly appreciated the perspective shared in this book about the experiences of this young boy and his family. That is what made me truly enjoy this book. Yet, as a teacher, I struggle with the implications throughout the book about the mean teachers and non-supportive schools. In my experience, and from what this family shared, I can't help but wonder if they put way too much emphasis on what the school did wrong instead of working with them as a collaborative team. For example, when they take him to see a therapist, in part to help their son, and in part to show the school they were taking action. That felt really inauthentic to me. Take your kid to help him period, not to 'show the school'. The family seemed hypocritical in regards to his education and looking for somewhere to place the blame. Maybe I am biased because I teach and I see the great things our school, staff, and administration does for all kids, but I would have enjoyed this book more if I had felt there was less finger pointing and more accountability (although there was some of that for sure). Regardless, I was left feeling hopeful about where this kid's life was heading and felt I learned a lot in regards to working with a middle school population where I will inevitably come across this topic and maybe even a student like Joe.
January 2, 2013
The peerless skill of a first-rate New York Times investigative reporter combined with the compassion, commitment, empathy and advocacy of two fine parents, has created a moving account of a family raising a gay child, and probably the most exhaustively researched history of gay parenting ever written. Although John Schwartz set out to write a memoir to help others, he achieved much more. Oddly Normal is as emotionally moving as a Hollywood tearjerker and as assiduously researched as a lead story in the New York Times. Few writers posses the rare combination of being able to speak from the heart while simultaneously investigating and reporting, but in this engaging, informative and engrossing memoir, Schwartz accomplishes both. Almost any parent will empathize with the challenges the Schwartz's experienced with their son's elementary school, and researchers, advocates and anyone desiring to be well informed will savor the logically written and thoroughly researched facts. Oddly Normal deftly transitions from heart stirring accounts of life raising a challenging child to the history, facts and current legal and social status of what it means to grow up gay in 21st century America. Most importantly, Oddly Normal offers hope that our society is moving toward a better future for gays and straights alike. Brilliantly written and meticulously researched this is a memoir that informs as much as it captivates.
December 4, 2012
I wanted to love this book. I didn't. In the end it seemed an odd exercise at self promotion that also exposed far too much detail of their son's struggles w/ an array of mental health and behavioral health issues. In the end it seemed an exercise in narcissism on the part of the parents at the expense of their son's privacy.
December 23, 2012
Oddly Normal: One Family's Struggle to Help Their Teenage Son Come to Terms with His Sexuality is the story of an amazing set of parents and their youngest son Joseph as he grows up and out. Joseph, struggles with a variety of learning disorders and conflicting diagnosis as he moved through school. At an early age he also exhibited signs and behaviours which lead his parents to suspect that he was also gay.
From the start his parents became advocates for their son at his schools and sought out additional help from professionals to address his learning disorders and refused to accept simple quick diagnosis after thoroughly researching the diseases/disorders that the various professionals. Since Joseph never really exhibited the characteristics of any one of the possible disorders to an extent that would definitively place him in one of the categories.
As Joseph approaches his entrance to middle school it is becoming clear to his parents if not the professionals in his life that some of his problems with depression are related to his growing awareness that he is gay. The Schwartz’s develop a network of gay and gay supportive friends and colleagues to advise them in helping Joseph in his coming out process. After an unfortunate coming out incident near the end of middle school Joseph attempts suicide.
With the support of youth centres and camps for LGBT youth Joseph comes to terms with his sexual orientation and learns to cope with both his sexuality and his learning disabilities. As he enters high school, and a more supportive educational setting, Joseph is able to participate with the GSA at the school as well with gay youth community groups.
John R. Schwartz has written the book with personal insights into their advocacy for their son as well as a plethora of medical information about mental/learning disorders and statistics. John is very clear that there is yet no definitive answer to so many questions around mental illness and its interaction with gay identity.
The book is well written and fully engaging. The involvement of his wife and son in the writing help to give added depth to the revelations about their lives and the struggles they endured. It is very American-centric and it is annoying that there was no attempt to examine other nations where full equality have been the norm for a long period of time to give some contrast as to how things can change. All in all I think it is most important to recognize how a supportive family can have such a positive influence on a young adult’s life. Things got better for Joseph when he had more supportive environments rather than attempts to medicate, the ‘condition’ or ignore the effects of bullying, or hide away his sexual orientation.
From the start his parents became advocates for their son at his schools and sought out additional help from professionals to address his learning disorders and refused to accept simple quick diagnosis after thoroughly researching the diseases/disorders that the various professionals. Since Joseph never really exhibited the characteristics of any one of the possible disorders to an extent that would definitively place him in one of the categories.
As Joseph approaches his entrance to middle school it is becoming clear to his parents if not the professionals in his life that some of his problems with depression are related to his growing awareness that he is gay. The Schwartz’s develop a network of gay and gay supportive friends and colleagues to advise them in helping Joseph in his coming out process. After an unfortunate coming out incident near the end of middle school Joseph attempts suicide.
With the support of youth centres and camps for LGBT youth Joseph comes to terms with his sexual orientation and learns to cope with both his sexuality and his learning disabilities. As he enters high school, and a more supportive educational setting, Joseph is able to participate with the GSA at the school as well with gay youth community groups.
John R. Schwartz has written the book with personal insights into their advocacy for their son as well as a plethora of medical information about mental/learning disorders and statistics. John is very clear that there is yet no definitive answer to so many questions around mental illness and its interaction with gay identity.
The book is well written and fully engaging. The involvement of his wife and son in the writing help to give added depth to the revelations about their lives and the struggles they endured. It is very American-centric and it is annoying that there was no attempt to examine other nations where full equality have been the norm for a long period of time to give some contrast as to how things can change. All in all I think it is most important to recognize how a supportive family can have such a positive influence on a young adult’s life. Things got better for Joseph when he had more supportive environments rather than attempts to medicate, the ‘condition’ or ignore the effects of bullying, or hide away his sexual orientation.
February 10, 2013
The sexuality angle of this book seems to receive the most attention, but it's also about how kids who are different in a variety of ways - exceptionally bright, learning disabled, etc. - are often let down by a "one size fits all" education system and expected to be treated until they conform, as was the case with his son. If you've read Alexandra Robbins' "The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth," much of this story will sound familiar. The author deserves praise for doing a very difficult thing in a sensitive way: writing about the most personal and harrowing parts of his son's life with respect and honesty. What really struck me most of all was how lacking in diversity their immediate social lives seemed to be. While they consulted gay friends for advice, it didn't sound as if they regularly socialized with happy, normal, functioning lgbt people who had children, careers, respect in their communities, etc. In that respect it reminded me of some of the painful transracial adoption memoirs by people who grew up with loving parents, but utterly isolated from knowing others who resembled them, who knew what they might be going through, or who could be role models. I felt the author's take on same-sex marriage similarly reflected a narrow, rather privileged, social circle - from his friends' responses I gather that they hadn't been in the position of trying to get a partner and children onto their health insurance, weren't in a relationship where either partner struggled with low-paying jobs and tax breaks and Social Security benefits could make a substantial difference, didn't need the legitimacy of marriage to bring a foreign partner into the US, etc. I found the audio version impossible to bear, but would recommend the print edition also for the great delight of the last chapter - a short, impossibly charming illustrated story by Joseph.
November 28, 2012
Sometimes I have difficulty deciding how to rate a book-in this case I decided to average my rating including the 5 stars I would give it if I was a parent faced with a similar situation, the 4 stars that I would give it as a teacher who was looking for how to help a wide diversity of students, and the 3 stars I would give it as a member of the general reading public looking for an interesting memoir. Being a member of the last group, I found John Schwartz's love for his son Joseph to be heart warming, and I continue to be saddened and frustrated with our society's intolerance of people not like themselves. What a boring place our world would be if we were all alike! John Schwartz and his wife tried so hard to help their son adjust to his sexual orientation. While they were reassured that Joseph received the best advantages in a large affluent school system, these are exactly the school districts that most lack diversity in any form. These affluent families have used their financial resources to isolate themselves, and as a result they are least likely to develop empathy in their children. I wonder if Joseph would have found more acceptance in a smaller rural school where all the residents were more connected, or a large financially diverse urban district where Joseph would not have been unique. Joseph's story was broken up with John Schwartz's inclusion of statistical data, studies and resources which are great for parents and teachers, but they sometimes interfered with the flow of the story. I highly recommend this book to all.
January 5, 2013
I really enjoyed this book. I thought it was a good mixture of personal experience and research. The author is a journalist, and I could tell that having knowledge/information is how he likes to deal with problems. As I'm similarly wired, the approach worked for me. I learned a lot about current research as well as the author's family's experience.
As a teacher and a parent, I could see both sides of their issues with school. At first I was appalled at the behavior of one of their son's teachers in particular; it was troubling to hear about a teacher whose behavior made their child's behavior so much worse. On the other hand, when the author and his wife started writing 6-11 page letters to their child's teacher at the beginning of the year, I thought it was probably too much. (As a teacher, I would roll my eyes to receive such a long missive before I'd even met the child!) So for me, it was an interesting read that had me at times able to see more than one perspective on their situation.
I'm happy that their son seems to have come through the worst of it and hope he continues to thrive as a young adult. I have no idea if their son has any interest in writing, but I'd be really curious to hear his perspective looking back on a difficult time in his life. Maybe someday we'll get to hear that, too.
As a teacher and a parent, I could see both sides of their issues with school. At first I was appalled at the behavior of one of their son's teachers in particular; it was troubling to hear about a teacher whose behavior made their child's behavior so much worse. On the other hand, when the author and his wife started writing 6-11 page letters to their child's teacher at the beginning of the year, I thought it was probably too much. (As a teacher, I would roll my eyes to receive such a long missive before I'd even met the child!) So for me, it was an interesting read that had me at times able to see more than one perspective on their situation.
I'm happy that their son seems to have come through the worst of it and hope he continues to thrive as a young adult. I have no idea if their son has any interest in writing, but I'd be really curious to hear his perspective looking back on a difficult time in his life. Maybe someday we'll get to hear that, too.
March 23, 2013
I did really like this book, but I couldn't help but ask again and again -- did it ever occur to the parents to take this boy out of school altogether? I'm sorry, but this idea that we must somehow make kids fit into a system that so obviously doesn't accept or support them really chaps my hide. Of course, this is coming from a person who doesn't believe our current system is necessarily even good for kids who are "thriving" in it. I understand that I am in the minority here.
I do appreciate that the author and his wife were doing the best they could with the tools available to them. They stuck by their son! They stood up for him and taught themselves to challenge school authority and continued to believe in him. Yay! And thankfully, the story has a happy ending.
Kuddos to Mr. Schwartz for sharing his family's story.
I do appreciate that the author and his wife were doing the best they could with the tools available to them. They stuck by their son! They stood up for him and taught themselves to challenge school authority and continued to believe in him. Yay! And thankfully, the story has a happy ending.
Kuddos to Mr. Schwartz for sharing his family's story.
April 21, 2013
The author tells the story of his son's childhood and eventual coming out. The author seems to blame all of his son Joseph's problems (at school, socially, etc.) on his sexuality. I think that is unfair. Clearly, there are many gay people who grow up without spending hours in the principal's office and being diagnosed (falsely, the author contends) with ADHD and Asperger's. To me, this book should not have been marketed as being about a person coming to terms with his sexuality, but more as a memoir of a unique and troubled individual who happened to be gay.
September 4, 2016
When I first started reading this book, I was disappointed that the subtitle was so misleading. Their son has many more issues than just being gay and the early part of the book focuses on those issues. And every other chapter provides supporting material, more info than I require. But I'm very glad I stuck with the book as this family learned how to deal with our education system and their son blossomed into the fabulous creature he was meant to be. This books is highly recommended for teachers and administrators and parents.
December 24, 2012
I'll be honest, I found it really hard to get to this book. it felt like more the article then a memoir. I read half of it and had to force myself just out of what I thought was obligation even finish the book. I got the impression that this was more about the family struggle coming to terms with their teens sexuality, rather than ever really dealing with their struggle to help him come to terms. that's partly the fact that it took me so long to finish this book
February 5, 2013
This book rang truer than I ever could have imagined. Schwartz writes eloquently of his son's struggles growing up gay and the associated complications of dealing with school bureaucracy. Not just a personal memoir, Schwartz also explores the broader implications of the effects of minority stress on gay teens. I wish I'd had a copy of this book when I was 14, 15, or 16. I also wish that my parents had had a copy. Excellent and highly recommended.
March 7, 2013
If you are looking into this book as a parent of a gay teenager, please keep in mind that this is a detailed account of a unique child with unique circumstances. Not every emotionally disturbed teen is struggling with sexual identity issues, and not every gay teen is struggling with emotional/behavioral issues. This is a memoir, not a guidebook. That said, a chapter near the end is especially helpful in providing an historical overview of same-sex marriage in the United States.
January 13, 2013
A very touching story of a very wise set of parents and their struggle to support their son in the face of all too normal bureaucratic obstacles. Funny and sweet, but with an edge. The use of alternating chapters to provide back up and research between the stages of the story was an interesting device. (Audiobook)
February 11, 2013
Oddly Normal is one of the best parenting books I’ve read. Period. Schwartz’s account of his son’s childhood, coming out and struggles in school made for a memoir I won’t soon forget. It’s the perfect blend of professional research and personal anecdotes. Masterfully put together and intensely thought-provoking, the most memorable thing about this book is how Schwartz and his wife were unapologetic advocates for their son Joe. Whether it was in supporting his coming out to them or in defending him against overeager therapists or cruel teachers, you know this family is built on immense love and trust. There is palpable love and concern nearly bursting from each page, starting with Schwartz’s disclaimer at the beginning of the book that he worked closely with Joe in writing such a personal account.
In the hands of someone less competent (Schwartz is a correspondent at the New York Times), this book could have easily come off well-meaning but ultimately exploitative. There is such a fine line when revealing personal details about a child—especially in the case of a child that’s still young. Schwartz’s book is packed with information that Joe may have preferred left hidden in other circumstances (Schwartz discusses Joe’s attempted suicide, his struggle in coming out, his many therapy sessions and difficulties in school, etc.), but you get a sense that Joe has enormous trust in his parents and especially in his father. Placing such a story in the hands of your dad cannot have been an easy decision for him. Yet, the result is so fine a book and the content so beautifully conveyed that there is not a hint that Schwartz’s mismanaged his son’s story.
Schwartz is the parent every child would love to have—one that is free of judgment, fair in discipline and firm in the role of protector and advocate. He embraces Joe—all of him. Even so, Schwartz owns up to Joe’s academic shortcomings and discusses them liberally, but it never feels judgmental. That’s an important distinction. Schwartz admits when he and his wife make mistakes, but they don’t give up. They do more research and look for better solutions. They are wholly devoted to Joe and to their two other children and it’s incredibly moving to read about.
There are other things in this book that underline its importance as a modern parenting memoir. The insight about social interactions and bullying at schools is valuable and Schwartz’s discussion of his research about ADHD, Asperger’s and teen suicide/depression is interesting and enlightening. And, of course, the portions of the book about sexuality and especially about teen sexuality are honest, moving and educational. The lengths that Schwartz went to in order to back up his own family’s narrative with relevant research cannot be underestimated. Sometimes extensive research littered throughout memoirs can be distracting or frustrating, but here it provided important depth.
Oddly Normal was incredibly engaging and thought-provoking and I hope you take a moment to read it yourself. The last chapter is one of the most moving of any book I’ve read yet this year.
In the hands of someone less competent (Schwartz is a correspondent at the New York Times), this book could have easily come off well-meaning but ultimately exploitative. There is such a fine line when revealing personal details about a child—especially in the case of a child that’s still young. Schwartz’s book is packed with information that Joe may have preferred left hidden in other circumstances (Schwartz discusses Joe’s attempted suicide, his struggle in coming out, his many therapy sessions and difficulties in school, etc.), but you get a sense that Joe has enormous trust in his parents and especially in his father. Placing such a story in the hands of your dad cannot have been an easy decision for him. Yet, the result is so fine a book and the content so beautifully conveyed that there is not a hint that Schwartz’s mismanaged his son’s story.
Schwartz is the parent every child would love to have—one that is free of judgment, fair in discipline and firm in the role of protector and advocate. He embraces Joe—all of him. Even so, Schwartz owns up to Joe’s academic shortcomings and discusses them liberally, but it never feels judgmental. That’s an important distinction. Schwartz admits when he and his wife make mistakes, but they don’t give up. They do more research and look for better solutions. They are wholly devoted to Joe and to their two other children and it’s incredibly moving to read about.
There are other things in this book that underline its importance as a modern parenting memoir. The insight about social interactions and bullying at schools is valuable and Schwartz’s discussion of his research about ADHD, Asperger’s and teen suicide/depression is interesting and enlightening. And, of course, the portions of the book about sexuality and especially about teen sexuality are honest, moving and educational. The lengths that Schwartz went to in order to back up his own family’s narrative with relevant research cannot be underestimated. Sometimes extensive research littered throughout memoirs can be distracting or frustrating, but here it provided important depth.
Oddly Normal was incredibly engaging and thought-provoking and I hope you take a moment to read it yourself. The last chapter is one of the most moving of any book I’ve read yet this year.
January 22, 2013
Although this book is a well-written and riveting read for a general audience (reminding us of the diversity found among children and the tenacious love of parents for their kids), it is especially appropriate for at least two groups of parents: those raising a young child who is showing signs that may signal incipient gayness, and those whose child--for any number of reasons--needs advocacy within the school system.
Written by a journalist, the book combines both memoir and research to good effect. For those who are decidedly uncomfortable with suspecting a prepubescent child of being incipiently gay (i.e., assuming that the child must be sexually active to have an orientation), Schwartz cites a number of studies and then summarizes: "Your fabulous five-year-old is likely to be a gay adult. Not because effeminate behavior causes homosexuality, but because it is a semaphore signal from within of what's likely to fully emerge later in life."
The personal account is at times almost heartbreaking, e.g., when little Joe tamps down his personality before reaching third grade: editing his vocabulary (no more fabulous or prettiful), reining in some of his more flamboyant movements, and hiding some of his more effeminate interests. His dad writes, "While the less girly Joe got fewer hassles for being different, the effort was causing new kinds of stress for him."
The book ends up underscoring the importance of open-minded parents, educators, and mental health professionals. Part of Schwartz's message is that sometimes one or more of those groups have too great a desire to slap a diagnosis on a child--especially if the child is socially awkward--and that such a diagnosis can sometimes be harmful.
Although I thoroughly appreciated the whole book, my favorite passage is probably this one: "Many kids feel left out of this world. It's up to us to make them feel at home. To help them feel loved. To let them be themselves. Happily."
Written by a journalist, the book combines both memoir and research to good effect. For those who are decidedly uncomfortable with suspecting a prepubescent child of being incipiently gay (i.e., assuming that the child must be sexually active to have an orientation), Schwartz cites a number of studies and then summarizes: "Your fabulous five-year-old is likely to be a gay adult. Not because effeminate behavior causes homosexuality, but because it is a semaphore signal from within of what's likely to fully emerge later in life."
The personal account is at times almost heartbreaking, e.g., when little Joe tamps down his personality before reaching third grade: editing his vocabulary (no more fabulous or prettiful), reining in some of his more flamboyant movements, and hiding some of his more effeminate interests. His dad writes, "While the less girly Joe got fewer hassles for being different, the effort was causing new kinds of stress for him."
The book ends up underscoring the importance of open-minded parents, educators, and mental health professionals. Part of Schwartz's message is that sometimes one or more of those groups have too great a desire to slap a diagnosis on a child--especially if the child is socially awkward--and that such a diagnosis can sometimes be harmful.
Although I thoroughly appreciated the whole book, my favorite passage is probably this one: "Many kids feel left out of this world. It's up to us to make them feel at home. To help them feel loved. To let them be themselves. Happily."
January 12, 2013
After hearing so many stories of bullying and suicides of LGBT youth over the last year or so, it was refreshing and enlightening to read the story of a young man who succeeds and flourishes after overcoming challenges with the incredible support of his parents. I would recommend it to any parent of a LGBT kid whether they are already out, in the process of coming out , or to any parent that suspects that their kid might be gay. As Joseph's story attests, LGBT kids are becoming aware that they are different at younger ages, and they lack the capacity to deal with all of the negative messages that they encounter. The book was a little bit slow early on due to the detailed stories of the parent's advocacy for their child in grade school, but by presenting the complete picture of what they and Joseph were dealing with it provides a great example for parents supporting a LGBT youngster or any kid with challenges that require advocacy and coordination with educators. The last few chapters present a hopeful picture of the amazing changes that have come to many areas of the country in support of LGBT youth, and it suggests that as the process continues we will be seeing the emergence of a generation of gay kids that will change the world.
January 5, 2013
I found this book both interesting and somewhat frustrating. It was interesting because the story of Schwartz's son is interesting - his problems in school, his coming out, etc.
What I didn't like about it is the rather detached, almost cold style that Schwartz writes in. More than that, he seems insistent that is son not ever have a 'label' even though he is diagnosed several times as having Aspergers. He repeats his desire to avoid a diagnosis, insistent that his son is simply unique. Fair enough but it doesn't come across well. He also has several diatribes against the school/school systems - again, fair enough but it often feels too much - and that the author himself doesn't want to take any responsibility for what is going on with his son.
That all said, I would recommend this book somewhat to people who like to read about the lives of others. It is a cut above other memoirs in that the author is a journalist and so knows how to writte. I sometimes find memoirs painful to get through as the author is not a writer; rather, they simply have an interesting story.
What I didn't like about it is the rather detached, almost cold style that Schwartz writes in. More than that, he seems insistent that is son not ever have a 'label' even though he is diagnosed several times as having Aspergers. He repeats his desire to avoid a diagnosis, insistent that his son is simply unique. Fair enough but it doesn't come across well. He also has several diatribes against the school/school systems - again, fair enough but it often feels too much - and that the author himself doesn't want to take any responsibility for what is going on with his son.
That all said, I would recommend this book somewhat to people who like to read about the lives of others. It is a cut above other memoirs in that the author is a journalist and so knows how to writte. I sometimes find memoirs painful to get through as the author is not a writer; rather, they simply have an interesting story.
Read
June 20, 2015I don't think I would have picked up this book at a bookstore. I got this as a gift from a friend, and read it in two sittings. I can't compare this to other books on supporting LGBT youth, as I haven't read any. I don't like to write what the book lacks or what it doesn't include, but rather focus on what it does.
The narrative alternates between research, statistics, legal cases, and Schwartz's family's story. The book is written from the perspective of the parents, and mainly focuses on the school support system (or lack of it). It goes into great detail of the different psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists the parents took their gay son to, not only to deal with his identity, but with a complex of issues he was dealing with growing up. If you're looking for a book about how to deal with the education system, or want some background on the legal struggle for LGBT rights in the US and research into LGBT issues, this book has it.
The narrative alternates between research, statistics, legal cases, and Schwartz's family's story. The book is written from the perspective of the parents, and mainly focuses on the school support system (or lack of it). It goes into great detail of the different psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists the parents took their gay son to, not only to deal with his identity, but with a complex of issues he was dealing with growing up. If you're looking for a book about how to deal with the education system, or want some background on the legal struggle for LGBT rights in the US and research into LGBT issues, this book has it.
Want to read
November 26, 2012Saw the book mentioned in this article that was shared by the local Keshet: http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-life-...
I'm a bit disappointed by this paragraph in the article, though: "Jeanne and John had suspected Joe was gay since he was 3. He’d loved pink and rhinestones and Barbies and fabulousness; for Halloween he asked to be 'a disco yady.'” None of those things mean that he's gay. Wanting to have sex with people of the same sex is what makes you gay; those are all about gender expression, which are consistent with being gay, straight, bi, asexual, etc. In an article about how well-intentioned people can still do harm, it's interesting to see a well-intentioned author propagate a harmful stereotype like that.
I'm a bit disappointed by this paragraph in the article, though: "Jeanne and John had suspected Joe was gay since he was 3. He’d loved pink and rhinestones and Barbies and fabulousness; for Halloween he asked to be 'a disco yady.'” None of those things mean that he's gay. Wanting to have sex with people of the same sex is what makes you gay; those are all about gender expression, which are consistent with being gay, straight, bi, asexual, etc. In an article about how well-intentioned people can still do harm, it's interesting to see a well-intentioned author propagate a harmful stereotype like that.
December 30, 2012
A strange boy's parents realize he's gay before the body knows it himself! This hilarious but moving account by the boy's father made me wish I had had a father like him during my adolescent years——in fact all gay kids should be lucky to have parents as supportive and understanding as the Schwartzes are, and as willing to negotiate hostile schools and other environments on behalf of their son, the youngest of three children, and a boy who has learning disabilities besides.
The narrative voyage is interwoven with exposition about gay right history and current battles. I glossed over the material familiar to me, but this is a book to recommend to questioning parents of gay children as well as gay youth themselves.
The narrative voyage is interwoven with exposition about gay right history and current battles. I glossed over the material familiar to me, but this is a book to recommend to questioning parents of gay children as well as gay youth themselves.
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