Tom Holt > Quotes

“Telling lies is a bit like tiling bathrooms - if you don't know how to do it properly, it's best not to try.”
― Tom Holt, Falling Sideways

“Just when you’ve squared up to the solemn realisation that life is a bitch, it turns round and does something nice, just to confuse you. - Emily Spitzer, The Better Mousetrap”
― Tom Holt

“Human beings can get used to virtually anything, given plenty of time and no choice in the matter whatsoever.”
― Tom Holt, Open Sesame

“Not only had he lost the only girl he'd ever loved, he'd lost her in duplicate, like some heartbroken but highly efficient civil servant.”
― Tom Holt, Falling Sideways

“After all, what else is scientific enquiry of any sort other than a controlled version of banging one's head against the universe until something gives?”
― Tom Holt

“Mostly I sit at home in the evenings watching the box and hoping that one day I'll evolve into plankton.”
― Tom Holt, Barking

“Love is an optical illusion that makes you believe the object of your affection is the most beautiful person in the world.”
― Tom Holt, In Your Dreams

“Among the gods, there is a dispute as to which one of them originally thought of Christianity; or, as they call it, the Great Leg Pull. Apollo has the best claim, but a sizeable minority support Pluto, ex-God of the Dead, on the grounds that he has a really sick sense of humour.

How would it be, suggested the unidentified god, if first we tell them all to love their neighbour, pack in the killing and thieving, and be nice to each other. Then we let them start burning heretics.”
― Tom Holt, Ye Gods!

“The conscientious arsonist doesn't just set the building on fire; first he fills the fire extinguishers with petrol.”
― Tom Holt, Open Sesame

“In spite of really intense competition for the job, I'm still my own worst enemy.”
― Tom Holt

“Thanks anyway,' Vanderdecker repeated, and wandered off to have a stare at the sea. It was his equivalent to beating his head repeatedly against a wall.”
― Tom Holt, Flying Dutch

“When you're about to die, your whole life's supposed to flash before your eyes. When you fall in true love, on the other hand, what you see in the twinkling of an eye is your entire future.”
― Tom Holt, You Don't Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But it Helps

“A romantic, I think the word is. Latin for idiot.”
― Tom Holt, In Your Dreams

“A brief note on the legend of Pandora's Box: Ever wondered why bundled in with all the torrents, and suffering of man kind the Gods put hope down there at the bottom, answer because in certain circumstances hope can be the worst torment of them all.”
― Tom Holt

“There's an old goblin saying; there is nothing to fear but fear itself and scary things.”
― Tom Holt

“It sounded a bit like his mother, a woman who’d lied to him about the existence of Santa Claus and was therefore not to be trusted on matters of any importance.”
― Tom Holt, Doughnut

“He made a conscious decision not to think about it, and accordingly spent the rest of his shift thinking about nothing else.”
― Tom Holt, Doughnut

“Call it a hunch; and hunches don’t just materialise, you pay for them with hard-earned experience. No such thing as a free hunch.”
― Tom Holt, Wish You Were Here

“That's the problem with running away, said the little voice. No matter where you go, you have to take yourself with you; and if yourself is constitutionally incapable of leaving well enough alone and not worrying if the rest of the world is weirder than ferret ragout, where the hell is the point?”
― Tom Holt

“There are few moments of clarity more profound than those that follow the emptying of an overcharged bladder. The world slows down, the focus sharpens, the brain comes back on line. Huge nebulous difficulties prove on close calm examination to be merely cloud giants.”
― Tom Holt

“a problem’s nothing but an opportunity wearing a funny hat, and inside every disaster there’s a triumph struggling to get out.”
― Tom Holt, Snow White And The Seven Samurai

“Now one of the great things about a democracy, which anyone considering setting one up in their native city should bear in mind, is that the voters really do believe that anything is possible. If there is a food shortage, for example, it’s no use explaining to them that there is no food to be had; that the Spartan fleet is blockading Byzantium and we can’t get so much as a grain of wheat past them, or that the Public Treasury is so empty that you can see more floor than coins. They won’t believe you. What you must do is blame somebody.”
― Tom Holt, The Walled Orchard

“He turned and gave the Dark Elf a nasty look. “They can do that,” he said, “mess with your head, using arcane mind control techniques. Well-known fact.”
The Dark Elf sniggered. “I wish,” he said. “Sadly, no. You’re thinking of journalism, which is slightly different.”
― Tom Holt, The Good, the Bad and the Smug

“There’s nothing bad about reincarnation per se, it’s basically a very good system, cost-effective and ecologically friendly.”
― Tom Holt, Djinn Rummy

“Only please, do be careful to bear in mind that Mordak’s a goblin. Enlightened, yes, but a goblin. He likes his employees loyal or lightly steamed on a bed of bruised rocket.”
― Tom Holt, The Good, the Bad and the Smug

“In his dream, George Stetchkin was in the dock at the Central Criminal Court, accused of the murder of nine million innocent brain cells. The usher was showing the jury the alleged murder weapon, an empty Bison Brand wodka bottle. Then the judge glared at him over the rims of his spectacles and sentenced him to the worst hangover of his life.”
― Tom Holt, Blonde Bombshell

“There comes a time when a man must stand up and do what he knows is Wrong.”
― Tom Holt, The Good, the Bad and the Smug

“Niceness, he realised, was not enough, and Love was only part of the rest. You had to have laughter, too. Laughter would make everything come out right in the end, or if it didn’t nobody would notice.”
― Tom Holt, Expecting Someone Taller

“The worst punishment there is for wanting the wrong thing is getting it.”
― Tom Holt, The Portable Door

“All computers expect to be yelled at. There's not a single computer in the whole world that hasn't been sworn at. Even the discreet little VDU with the crossed keys monogram on the keyboard that sits on the Pope's desk in his office in the Vatican has in its time heard language that'd make a Marine blush.”
― Tom Holt