Truth or Square/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Truth or Square" from season 6, which aired on November 6, 2009.

[A stop-motion intro is played.]
[The episode begins with a clip of Patchy entering a random house after being shot out of a cannon from "Shanghaied." It is surrounded by a picture frame that it surrounded by a red background.]
Ricky Gervais: [As a voice over] 10 years ago, an unknown [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy laughing in Party Pooper Pants."] pirate from Encino began a [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy removing the SpongeBob items off his bed from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] decade-long obsession [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy in his one man band from "Party Pooper Pants."] with TV's most beloved [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy putting the SpongeBob cookie ornament on his Christmas tree from "Christmas Who?"] an absorbent sponge. And today, [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy being spun on the playground roundabout from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] a mere 10 years later, obviously, [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy in a barrel and female parrots trying to kiss him from "Party Pooper Pants."] 10 years ago, I said that, [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy in a cannon and then being shot out of it from "Shanghaied."] he has traveled all the way to a far off land known as, "Burbank." [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy going down a slide from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] To find Nicktoons Animation Studio [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy ripping his underwear off from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] and meet his idol [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy being chewed on by a T-Rex from "Ugh."] face to face for the first time [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy getting angry in "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] in [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy rolling around in the lost episode's film strip from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] 10 years... it's 10 years ago. [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy holding up a SpongeBob cookie when he was talking about if Squidward was right about Christmas in "Christmas Who?"] It's 10 years ago. [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy seeing the stick of dynamite and it going off from "Party Pooper Pants."] Let's see what happens, yeah.[The clip shows Patchy burned after the explosion in "Shanghaied."]
[The screen fades to black. The scene opens up to the front of Nickelodeon Animation Studios, where Patchy's mom's car is pulling up. The scene changes to show the left of the car. Patchy gets out.]
Patchy the Pirate: Oh. Bye, Mom. Thanks for the lift. [The car drives off, leaving smoke behind. Patchy coughs a bit.] Hey, kids. Isn't this exciting? I'm here at Nickelodeon, home of SpongeBob SquarePants, and I'm gonna ask him if he'll be my guest of honor on my tenth fan-iversary TV special! [Patchy chuckles. An image of the special's title appears. It reads, "Patchy the Pirate's SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club Big Time Celebratory Television Extravaganza!" Photos of Patchy and Potty are shown in elaborate borders. Their names are written below the pictures. The scene returns to Patchy.] Come on. [Patchy waves indicating to come that way. He walks to the gate. The scene shifts to show a speaker communicator. Patchy's hook is shown pressing it] Ahoy.
[The scene shifts to show Patchy hunched over next to the speaker.]
Security Guard: [through the speaker] Sir, may I help you?
Patchy: Yes. This is Patchy the Pirate for SpongeBob SquarePants. I believe he's expecting me. I sent him over 400 letters...this week.
Security Guard: Uh, yes. SpongeBob is not here right now, sir.
Patchy: That's okay. I can wait. [Patchy takes out a lawn chair and sits down. The down to the gate opens and this startles Patchy.] Oh, SpongeBob!
Security Guard: Sir, please step away from the gate.
Patchy: Aw, poopdeck. I was hoping I could ask SpongeBob to phone up some of his famous friends so he could ask them to be guests on my show.
Security Guard: Uh-huh. [The security guard starts to leave, but then realizes who Patchy is.] Oh. You're here for the Casting Department.
Patchy: Yeah.
Security Guard: In that case, please step right inside, sir.
[Patchy thrusts his arm and mouths the word, "yes." Patchy follows the security guard inside. Inside, Patchy and the security guard walk down a hallway where a cardboard cutout of SpongeBob and a model of SpongeBob made out of Lego bricks are seen. Patchy jumps up in the air and laughs. He returns to the ground.]
Patchy: Woo! Oh, hey, when'll SpongeBob be here? Where's he? At lunch? At an important meeting?
Security Guard: I'm not sure, sir.
Patchy: Getting his boat waxed?
Security Guard: [Pointing ahead] This way, sir.
[The two continue to walk]
Patchy: What's he really like?
Security Guard: [Pointing ahead] This way, sir.
Patchy: Does he come in everyday?
Security Guard: [Pointing ahead] Go this way.
Patchy: Does he dye his hair?
Security Guard: [Pointing ahead] Walk this way, sir.
Patchy: Huh?
[The scene shifts to show a room. It has a couch, a TV, a poster for The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, and an animation cell of SpongeBob at the Krusty Krab. The security guard opens the door. Patchy walks in.]
Security Guard: Here you are, sir. Please wait here while you wait. [Patchy sits down on the couch.] Can I get you anything, sir?
Patchy: Yeah. A shrimp cocktail. [Patchy chuckles. The security guard puts his hand out and then back in with a shrimp cocktail. He gives it to Patchy.] Ooh! Now, that's what I call service... [The security guard smiles.] with a smile! [he smiles]
[The security guard leaves. The SpongeBob part of the episode begins with the title card. The episode begins showing the three houses of Conch Street at night. The scene transitions to morning. The scene changes to SpongeBob's room, where Gary's shell shaking with a blanket on top of it. Next to the shell is an traditional alarm clock.]
Gary: [In his shell] Meow. [The alarm clock goes off.] Meow. [Gary's eyes pop out of his shell.] Meow.
[A long line of alarm clocks go off, which leads from Gary, who is in the front of the bed to SpongeBob's normal alarm clock. It goes off and spits out more alarm clocks. SpongeBob wakes up. SpongeBob gets out of bed and turns the alarm clocks off.]
SpongeBob: Good morning, Gary!
Gary: [angrily] Meow!
SpongeBob: A little overboard? And take a chance at being late for the single most greatest day of my career. [The shot widens and a thought bubble appears. It shows the Krusty Krab.] The eleventy-seventh anniversary of the Krusty Krab. [SpongeBob leans near Gary and shakes his head.] Oh, oh, oh, I think not. [He returns to his previous position.] No self-respecting Krusty Krab employee would be late on this day.
[The scene changes to show the exterior of SpongeBob's pineapple, where SpongeBob's door open and a line of alarm clocks are leading to the inside of Squidward's house. The scene follows the alarm clocks to Squidward's door and then moves up. Squidward is heard muttering.]
Squidward: [Off-Screen] What the?
[The scene returns to SpongeBob's room. He is yelling out of his window.] See you at the big event, Squidward! [SpongeBob gets hit with an alarm clock. This causes him to fly and land next to Gary. SpongeBob gets up.] Can you believe that it's been eleventy-seven years already?
Gary: [snidely] Meow reow reow.
SpongeBob: Oh, watch the potty mouth, Gare. Today is a day for gentle reflection. Aw, I remember my first visit to the Krusty Krab.
[A flashback begins. It shows the exterior of the Krusty Krab. Harold and Margaret SquarePants are walking to it. The scene shifts to show Harold and Margaret's front.]
Harold SquarePants: I don't know. This doesn't look like a family restaurant.
Margaret SquarePants: Oh. [The scene widens to reveal that she is pregnant with Baby SpongeBob] Well, what do you think, baby? Would you like to eat here? [The scene moves to show the inside of Margaret's womb. Baby SpongeBob swims off-screen. The scene returns to show Margaret. She is moved inside to the front of the cash register boat.] Well, okay, then. [The scene returns to the womb and Baby SpongeBob is next to Margaret's belly button which looks like a window that he is looking out. Margaret's voice is echoing.] What would you like?
[Baby SpongeBob looks out Margaret's belly button and sees the Galley Grub]
Baby SpongeBob: Krabby Patty! [The scene changes to show Margaret and Harold sitting at a table eating Krabby Patties. In the womb, Baby SpongeBob is eating the Krabby Patties through the umbilical cord.] Yummy! [He takes the cord, rips it out, and sucks on the cord. The flashback ends and the real SpongeBob is shown laying on the ground being held up by his elbows.] Good times. [An alarm clock appears. SpongeBob jumps up and starts running in the air.] Oh, sorry, Gary, we can reminisce later. I gotta get ready.
[SpongeBob runs off-screen and Gary hisses at the alarm clock. The alarm clock "runs" away. The scene changes to show SpongeBob with a towel around his waist in the bathroom. He turns on the shower and takes the towel off. The scene shows SpongeBob showering]
SpongeBob: [Singing voice-over] ♪ I never thought that I would have a chance like this. What dreams exist as big as this one? [SpongeBob turns the water off. SpongeBob grows big. The tub falls to its side and SpongeBob uses his wringer.] If happiness are patties frying on a grill, [SpongeBob makes a flat SpongeBob that goes through a slot. The scene changes to show a room with SpongeBob's pants on two wires.] I'll have my fill upon each fresh bun. [The flat SpongeBob lands and folds on top of SpongeBob's pants. He takes his hairdryer and puts it in one of his holes. He blows himself up.] Here's a day that couldn't get much better. [SpongeBob's legs go through the leg holes.] It is the greatest that's ever been. [SpongeBob runs into another room with a set of drawers. He opens the top one. It is filled with cans. He takes one. It reads, "Sock."] It's so cool, I ought to where a sweater [SpongeBob drinks the can.] just to hold on to that warm feelin'. [Socks start to form one top of SpongeBob's feet.] A miracle is something that you don't believe [SpongeBob runs into his library were there is a pile of shoes. While running, he picks up two and continues to run.] you will receive, and then it happens. [SpongeBob ends up in his bathroom. He takes off his face and opens a cabinet of faces where he finds and puts on an exited face.] This is what I have to call a miracle. My heart is full and toes are tappin'. [The scene moves into SpongeBob's mouth.] Here's a day that couldn't get much better. [SpongeBob is shown running on a round surface at night. It is revealed that the surface is the bun of a Krabby Patty, which is on a cloud. It moves upwards.] It is the greatest that's ever been. [The Krabby Patty stops and SpongeBob dives off.] It's so cool, I ought to where a sweater just to hold on to that warm feelin'. [SpongeBob lands on a patty that is on his grill.] Sure, I know it's gonna take a lot of work, [A spatula takes SpongeBob and it is revealed that SpongeBob is putting the patty on the other patty makings.] but here's the perk, [SpongeBob eats the patty and it falls into a flowery background] I think I must say, [The Krabby Patty decomposes into its part and the SpongeBob that landed on the patty falls out.] when you're doing something that you really love [The scene changes to show spatula flying through the air. SpongeBob lands on one. SpongeBob starts dancing.] and so proud of, then work is like play. [SpongeBob then controls the spatula.] Here's a day that couldn't get much better. It is the greatest that's ever been. [The spatula flings SpongeBob and he lands on an ice cube in a cup of soda.]It's so cool, I ought to where a sweater [A purple sweater falls on SpongeBob] just to hold on to that warm feelin'. ♪
[SpongeBob melts through the ice cube. He falls into the soda. He gets sucked up by a straw, which is being sucked up by SpongeBob. SpongeBob then jumps away. The scene fades to the Exterior of Nickelodeon Studios. The scene shows. Patchy at a desk. Next to Patchy there is a Rolodex. Patchy is finishing the shrimp cocktail.]
Patchy: Security, more shrimp cocktail in casting, please. Thank you.
[He throws away the end of the last shrimp piece on the tray. A figure that looks like Potty, but with a devil tail and horns appears.]
Devil Potty: Look, Patchy, a Rolodex. Why, it's probably full of celebrity phone numbers. You don't need SpongeBob. You can call them yourself. Go on, have a look. Squawk.
[Patchy leans into it. Another figure that looks like Potty, but this time with a halo and angel wings appears.]
Angel Potty: That's private property, Patchy. If you get caught looking at it, we'll never get to meet SpongeBob.
Patchy: Yeah, good point.
Devil Potty: Don't listen to him. You want your TV show to have big-name guests, don't you?
Patchy: Yeah. No. I mean...
Devil Potty: Then do it.
Angel Potty: Don't do it, Patchy.
Devil Potty: Come on. Do it! Do it!
Patchy: I shall. [He takes the Rolodex. The Potties leave.] Let's see, Dawson, Richard. Rosario. Rosario Dawson! She'll bring a little class to the show.
[The scene changes to show Rosario Dawson in her home looking at a magazine. She gets a phone call.]
Rosario Dawson: Hello?
[The scene returns to Patchy. He has bad breath that is showing.]
Patchy: Uh, hello, Rosario.
[The scene returns to Rosario. Patchy's breath has gone through the phone.]
Rosario Dawson: Oh, goodness.
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: It's Patchy the Pirate, president of the SpongeBob
[The scene returns to Rosario. She is holding her nose.]
Patchy: [through the phone.] Fan Club. I'm throwing a little TV
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: show-tacular, and I need a little celebrity wind in my sail, so to speak.
[The scene returns to Rosario.]
Rosario Dawson: Okay. You need a little mouthwash is what you need.
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: I was wondering if you'd like to be my special guest.
[The scene returns to Rosario. She groans.]
Rosario Dawson: Are you going to be in the same city?
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Of course, silly. We'll be working closely together ALL day.
[The scene returns to Rosario. She hangs up. She groans. The scene returns to Patchy. Patchy groans. He hangs up the phone.]
Patchy: Well, back to the old Rolodex. Uh, Bo Derek. Bo Diddly. Eddie Deezen. Eddie Deezen?
[Eddie Deezen walks into the room.]
Eddie Deezen: Hey, when do we film?
[The scene shows Patchy confused. The scene returns to the door. The security guard comes in.]
Security Guard: This way, sir.
[The security guard takes Eddie Deezen out of the room. Patchy sighs.]
Patchy: Ooh. This will be good.
[Patchy picks up the phone. The scene changes to show the house of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. The scene shows him with another dog near the pool. He answers the phone]
Triumph the Insulting Comic Dog: Yes?
Patchy: Ahoy, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
Triumph: I'm Busy. Hurry up.
Patchy: This is Patchy the Pirate.
Triumph: Oh. Don't give me that Patchy stuff. Come on, Depp, I know it's you. Drop the pirate thing.
Patchy: You know, I do get that a lot, but seriously, it's not Johnny Depp.
Triumph: Come on. Who is this? The pirate from the cereal box or the litter box?
Patchy: The one from Encino! It's Patchy, president of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club.
Triumph: Ooh, the president! Well, your mother must be so proud.
[The scene returns to Patchy. He looks disgusted.]
Triumph: Listen, Scratchy.
Patchy: It's Patchy.
Triumph: You know, Catchy, maybe you should consider wearing two eye patches. That way, you won't be able to see what's become of your life.
Patchy: What?!
Triumph: So, what are you tell me, what are you selling, besides your dignity and self-respect?
Patchy: None of the above. I was wondering if you'd like to be a guest on the big TV special. That I am throwing for SpongeBob.
Triumph: Sorry, Poop-Leg Pete. I'm a big star. I don't do basic cable. I'm on a major network, kind of.
Patchy: It would sure mean a lot to be personally if you'd be on my show, Triumph.
Triumph: Oh, it would mean a lot. Well, why didn't you say so? That changes everything.
Patchy: Oh.
Triumph: You know, I'd love to be on your show. I'd love it as much as I love pulling ticks off my butt.
Patchy: Well, fine. Who needs you, you filthy mongrel?
Triumph: Okay, Captain Loser. Send me a script.
Patchy: Great! So, you'll be on my show?
Triumph: Sure, of course. I'm sure that it's a great script. Three, two, one. For me to poop on!
[Triumph hangs up the phone. The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Oh, yeah, well, I'll have you know, you are not the biggest star to tell me that. Hello? Hello?
[Patchy groans and hangs up the phone. The scene changes to black and then shows the exterior of SpongeBob's pineapple. He opens the door and starts to jog to the Krusty Krab. A crash is heard off-screen. The scene moves to the origin of the crash. SpongeBob is laying down behind a line of fish.]
Harold: Hey, hey. Chill out, buddy. We all want to get into the Krusty Krab as much as you do.
[The scene shows that the line goes all of the way to the Krusty Krab. The scene returns to SpongeBob. He looks at his watch.]
SpongeBob: But I don't have time to wait in line. Sorry, but I can't be late today.
[SpongeBob steps on people's head's to get to the Krusty Krab.]
Harold: Oh!
Mable-Monica: Ah!
Isabelle Fish: Ooh!
Sadie: What the?
Frankie Billy: Hey!
Fred: Ah!
Tom: Eh!
Shubie: Uh!
SpongeBob: Sorry, everyone, but Mr. Krabs needs me. [More fish make annoyed noises. Once SpongeBob reaches the end, the scene changes to the interior of the Krusty Krab. The scene shows several fish waiting on the door. SpongeBob Squeezes himself through the cracked between the doors and the ground. He enters the Krusty Krab. He lands in the arms of Mr. Krabs.] Reporting for duty, sir.
[SpongeBob salutes Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs puts SpongeBob down in a seat next to Squidward.]
Mr. Krabs: Sit down, boy.
SpongeBob: Happy eleventy-seventh, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: [Walking past the table] Today's a big a day for the Krusty Krab. [Mr, Krabs ends up at a button.] So I want yous to listen up. [He pushes the button. It causes a shield to go around the Krusty Krab.] It's a perfect opportunity for Plankton to try and steal the Krabby Patty formula.
[Mr. Krabs pulls a lever that looks like a handle on a table. It causes a panel to open. The table goes down the panel and is replaced by a hologram table. It turns on a hologram of the Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: Isn't that just the Krusty Krab?
Mr. Krabs: No. It's a holographic projection of the Krusty Krab. I want you two to watch all the entrances.
Squidward: You mean the front door and the back door?
[Mr. Krabs pushes a button on the hologram table.]
Mr. Krabs: Those are just the ones on the surface. [The hologram expands to show the duct work.] There is an entire network of tunnels and air ducts underground and I want all eyes on the look out!
SpongeBob: Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs.
[Eyes grow on SpongeBob, filling his holes.]
Mr. Krabs: Right. Study the map, stay extra vigilant. Don't fall asleep on the job. That means you, Squidward.
Squidward: What? I have never fallen asleep on duty.
Mr. Krabs: Don't make me have a flashback.
[A flashback begins. It shows Squidward sleeping at his station. Fred is on the other side of the Cash register. The scene changes to show SpongeBob opening the Krusty Krab broom closet to find Squidward sleeping. The scene changes to show a close shot of Frankie Billy about to eat a patty at the Krusty Krab. The shot widens to show Squidward sleeping on Frankie Billy's table. It also reveals that Frankie Billy is dining with Nancy. The scene changes to show a close shot of the sink in the Krusty Krab kitchen. Bubbles are coming out of the sink and Squidward's snoring is heard. The shot widens to show Squidward with his head in the sink. The scene changes to show SpongeBob in the potty and reading a newspaper. Squidward's snores are heard. SpongeBob looks into the stall next to his and sees Squidward holding a newspaper and sleeping. The flashback ends.]
Squidward: All right, point taken.
[Mr. Krabs turns off the hologram.]
Mr. Krabs: And to help watch out for Plankton, I've hired some extra security.
[A dark figure is shown in the corner. He walks into the light. It is revealed to be Patrick. He has an angry look on his face. He smacks his fist into his palm.]
Squidward: [While Patrick is walking to them] You hired Patrick?
Mr. Krabs: What, you expect me to spend money on a real security guard? You are my first line of defense, Patrick. So, look out for any suspiciorous characters.
Patrick: [No longer having an angry face. Saluting.] Yes, sir. [Patrick surveys the area. He sees Squidward and pushes him to the wall] Who are you, and who are you working for?!
[Mr. Krabs chuckles]
Mr. Krabs: Plankton doesn't stand a chance.
[The scene changes to show the exterior of the Chum Bucket. It has a banner on it that reads, "Celebrating 50 years of failure." The scene pans in. As it pans in, the doors open and an image of the dining area is shown and it pans into that. The scene fades to a wide shot of the lab. Karen is show in her computer form and Plankton is show at his desk.]
Plankton: [As it is still panning in] It's a conspiracy, I tell you! A thousand and three times I've almost had that recipe, and a thousand and three times I've been launched by that Krabs! He celebrates eleventy-seven years of success, [The scene changes to show a medium shot of Plankton at his desk.] I'm left with four score and forty fortnights of failure! [The scene changes to show a closer shot of Plankton. He tears up.] I give up, Karen. Krabs has won!
Karen: [Off-Screen] Well, you'll never get the formula with that attitude. [On-Screen] Maybe a thousand and four will be your lucky number.
Plankton: Oh, yeah? You try getting launched.
Karen: Oh, right, the launchings. [Her face is replaced by a loading bar and the word "accessing" above it.] I've got them all on my hard drive.
[The scene shows, on Karen's monitor, Mr. Krabs in a baseball uniform, exiting the Krusty Krab. The scene shifts to show just the scene. Mr. Krabs pushes Plankton into the air. Mr. Krabs does this with a glove that he is wearing. Mr. Krabs spits and then throws Plankton. Plankton hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs' claw putting down a golf tee. He puts Plankton on the tee. He is then shown in a golf outfit, holding a golf club. He then prepares to hit Plankton.]
Mr. Krabs: Fore!
[Mr. Krabs hits Plankton. Plankton hits the Chum Bucket.]
Plankton: Ow!
[The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs riding on a seahorse, wearing a polo uniform, and holding a polo stick. Plankton is shown running. away from the polo stick. Mr. Krabs hits Plankton. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs holding a slingshot with Plankton on it. Mr. Krabs is holding the slingshot back. Mr. Krabs releases the slingshot. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs in a hockey uniform holding a hockey stick. He is pushing Plankton on some ice that is outside of the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs hits Plankton. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs with a curling stone that has Plankton on it. Mr. Krabs pushes the curling stone on the ice. SpongeBob takes a broom and sweeps and walks backwards until he reaches the Chum Bucket. Plankton screams until he hits the Chum Bucket doors. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob in football uniforms. SpongeBob is holding Plankton horizontally in front of Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs runs up and kicks Plankton. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. There is a goal post painted on the Chum Bucket. SpongeBob pops and puts both his arms horizontally in the air, signally that Mr. Krabs got the point. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs holding Plankton, walking outside the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Krabs: I'm tired today, Plankton. [He drops Plankton.] You're just gonna have to launch yourself.
[Mr. Krabs walks back inside. Plankton tears up. He walks to the Chum Bucket and hits his head on the door.]
Plankton: Splat.
[Plankton begins to cry. Karen's laughing is heard. The scene pans out to show the scene on Karen's monitor. The scene shifts to not-recording Plankton.]
Plankton: Karen?!
[The footage is removed and replaced with Karen]
Karen: I'm sorry. That last part always makes me laugh.
[Plankton jumps off his desk.]
Plankton: It's just no use!
Karen: [Off-Screen] Today's the [On-Screen] perfect day to steal the recipe. Krabs will be completely distracted by all the festivities. You can do this.
Plankton: You really think so?
Karen: Of course, I do. Now who's my big man?
Plankton: Oh, Karen.
Karen: Come on. Come on. Who's my big strong man?
Plankton: I am.
Karen: That's right. Now get out there and steal that recipe.
Plankton: [Saluting Karen] Yes, Ma'am!
[The scene returns to Nickelodeon Studios where Patchy is flipping through the Rolodex. Patchy is then shown holding the phone.]
Patchy: Hey, LeBron, how's the Dribbling?
[The scene shows LeBron James at his house.]
LeBron James: Hey, Patchy. What's up?
Patchy: How would you, LeBron James, like to be a guest on the fan clubmongorical special for SpongeBob?
LeBron James: I Love SpongeBob, man, but I can't, man. I've got a game today, man.
Patchy: Oh, come on! The season's hardly even started yet.
LeBron James: Huh?
Patchy: Oh, they won't care if you miss one game, will they?
LeBron James: I have a contract. I have to go.
Patchy: Oh, contract [The scene returns to LeBron James.] schmontract. [The scene returns to Patchy.] We have party gifts.
LeBron James: Dude, I gotta go.
[LeBron James hangs up on Patchy. The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Oh! [Patchy grunts and hangs up the phone.] This casting business is harder than 40 years of barnacle buildup. [Patchy grunts. He is shown going through the Rolodex.] Okay, time to get serious.
[The scene changes to show Tina Fey in an office. The phone rings. She answers it.]
Tina Fey: Hello.
Patchy: Ahoy, Tina.
Tina Fey: Who is this?
Patchy: Patchy... the pirate.
Tina Fey: Oh, I don't know any pirates anymore. Are you sure you have the right number?
Patchy: Hey, listen, us bad soul sistas have to stick [The scene returns to Tina Fey.] together, huh?
Tina Fey: Sure.
Patchy: Great, 'cause I'm throwing a huge telestravaganza for SpongeBob SquarePants and I'd love it if you'd come down and sing a song for us.
Tina Fey: I'm not much of a singer, but I love SpongeBob. Who else is going to be performing?
[The scene returns to Patchy. He chuckles.]
Patchy: Aren't you the modest one? Well, SpongeBob, for one, will be on the show.
Tina Fey: Oh, Tom Kenny, the voice of SpongeBob?
Patchy: Who?
Tina Fey: Well, you said SpongeBob is going to be on the show.
Patchy: That's right. The little sponge is the guest of honor.
Tina Fey: But, he's a cartoon, so you mean the guy who does the voice, right?
Patchy: Listen, Miss Turner, you let me handle the guests. You stick to your singing and dancing.
Tina Fey: Mrs. Turner? Oh, no, this isn't Tina Turner. This is Tina Fey.
[The scene returns to Patchy. He chuckles.]
Patchy: Who?
[The scene returns to Tina Fey. She hangs up on Patchy in disappointment.]
Patchy: Hello? Hello, Tina? You'd better be good to me.
Patchy: [The scene shows Patchy going through the Rolodex. The scene changes to show Will Ferrell stretching in public. He gets a call on his phone and answers it.]
Will Ferrell: Yeah, who's calling me?
Patchy: Hey, Will, it's Patchy the pirate, [The scene returns to Will Ferrell.] president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club [The scene returns to Patchy.] in Encino, and I'm throwing a little TV special for him.
Will Ferrell: Oh, really? Well, I'm president of the SpongeBob Fan Club, Tarzana chapter, and I'm throwing a TV show, too, [The scene returns to Patchy.] so get in line.
Patchy: What?! You can't do that!
Will Ferrell: Can't I? Well, guess what? I'm doing it. You'd better wrap your mind around it because guess what? [The scene returns to Patchy.] My show's also gonna be a lot better.
Patchy: Doubt it. Who are your guests?
Will Ferrell: You name it, we've go it: Hollywood stars, musical people, singers, jugglers, a guy who does things with knifes. [The scene returns to Patchy.] Do you have that, [The scene returns to Will Ferrell.] huh? Who do you have?
Patchy: Hang on to your hat. Sir Quentin and Mr. Tinder. Ever heard of 'em?
[The scene returns to Will Ferrell.]
Will Ferrell: WHAT?! The world's fifth best ventriloquist and his wooden sidekick?
[The scene returns to Patchy. He laughs]
Patchy: Of course, silly.
Will Ferrell: No way! [He groans in anger. The scene returns to Patchy. Patchy laughs.] No! [The scene returns to Will Ferrell.] Okay, you win this time, but just you wait for the 20th. 'Cause I will come at you, harder and faster.
[Will Ferrell ends the call. The scene returns to Patchy the pirate.]
Patchy: [As he's hanging the phone up] 20th anniversary, whatever...
[The scene changes to show fish outside of the Krusty Krab.]
Crowd: We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties!
[The scene changes to show a close up shot of the numbers on the Galley Grub menu.]
Mr. Krabs: [Off-Screen] Now to add some special anniversary deals to the menu. [Mr. Krabs' claw holding a pencil appears and he starts adding decimal points after the first zero in the prices and adding an extra zero at the end of the prices as he talks.] Krabby Patty... 20 bucks. 39 bucks. 30. [He chuckles. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs on a ladder next to the Galley Grub.] Oh, number zero, how I love you so. [Squidward walks into frame and Mr. Krabs starts to walk down the ladder.] SpongeBob!
[The scene shifts to show a similar scene as before, but with the frame moved down. SpongeBob runs into the frame.]
SpongeBob: Yes, Sir?
[Mr. Krabs finishes climbing down the ladder.]
Mr. Krabs: I'm putting you in charge of decorations.
[Mr. Krabs scribbles something on his clipboard.]
SpongeBob: Oh, but Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Yes boy?
SpongeBob: I thought you said that I would be in charge of decorations.
Mr. Krabs: What? But you are.
SpongeBob: I am? [SpongeBob flings his arms in the air] Yay! [SpongeBob runs around with his arms in the air.] Yeah! Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! I had chores for you, but you won't do 'em anyway.
Squidward: It only took you eleventy-seven years for you to figure that out?
[The scene shows SpongeBob next to Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs takes out two quarters.]
Mr. Krabs: Here's your budget, boy. [He gives SpongeBob the quarters.] Decorate it any way you want.
SpongeBob: Wow! Fifty cents!
Squidward: You’re letting SpongeBob decorate? Remember all the other times SpongeBob decorated?
Squidward, SpongeBob, and Mr. Krabs: Hmm...
[A flashback begins. It shows the interior of the Krusty Krab with a western theme. Frankie Billy and Evelyn are shown at a table. On the table is the bone of a cow head. The floor looks like a desert. It has rocks and cacti on it. The lights have been replaced by a western-style chandelier. The metal wall has been replaced with a gray wood one. The doors have been replaced by saloon doors. The scene pans to show Squidward in the order boat. The boat has wagon wheel next to it. The order window looks like an old style window with red shutters. SpongeBob pops his head out of the window. He is wearing a cowboy hat and holding a tray of food.]
SpongeBob: Yee-haw!
[SpongeBob laughs. The scene changes to show the interior of the Krusty Krab with a 1970s theme. Frankie Billy and Evelyn are shown at a table. On the table is a lava lamp. The floor is a rug. The window has green wallpaper with a pattern on it. The metal wall has orange and red striped wall paper on it. The lights have been replaced by a disco ball. The boxes that are in the rafters have been pained with a blue pattern. The doors have been replaced by bead entrances. The scene pans to show Squidward in the order boat. The boat has carpet material around it. The order window has been painted to have a blue and red pattern. SpongeBob pops his head out of the window. He is wearing an Afro wig and holding a tray of food.]
SpongeBob: You come here often?
[SpongeBob laughs. The scene changes to show the interior of the Krusty Krab with a space theme. Frankie Billy and Evelyn are shown at a table. They are wearing space helmets. The tables have been replaced and the barrels have been replaced with moon craters which goes along with the moon floor. The window has space wallpaper on it. The lights have been replaced by images of Mars, a moon, and Saturn. The doors have been replaced by doors that have two sides and jagged edges and open up, instead of go outward. The scene pans to show Squidward in the order boat. The order boat looks similar to a moon rover. The metal wall has stars and a meteor. The order window looks similar to the doors. Squidward is wearing a space helmet. The order window opens and things and Squidward go through it. The scene then shows Squidward in space. He is screaming. He passes SpongeBob who is wearing his water helmet. He is cooking on his grill. He laughs. The flashback ends.]
Squidward, SpongeBob, and Mr. Krabs: Hmm...
[Mr. Krabs turns to Squidward.]
Mr. Krabs: Well, you want want to do it, then?
Squidward: No.
Mr. Krabs: Then shut your porthole.
Squidward: Battening down the word hatches, sir.
[Squidward and Mr. Krabs walk away. SpongeBob looks at the two quarters. He smiles. He flies up into the air. The scene changes to show the inside of the bathroom. SpongeBob prances into the bathroom. He goes into a stall, takes out a pair of tongs and grabs the end of a pink toilet paper roll. The scene changes to the exterior of the bathroom. Squidward is walking by. SpongeBob runs out of the bathroom holding on to the tongs which are holding on to the toilet paper. Squidward stops. SpongeBob takes a piece of the toilet paper, twirls it around, and throws it up and swings on it. He swings around a pole, making the toilet paper look like a swirl on the pole. He lands on a table. The table spins around and ends up with bows on it. SpongeBob jumps in the air and lands between Patrick and Squidward. He twists the toilet paper around Patrick making him look muscular with a bow belt. Patrick flexes. SpongeBob twirls the toilet paper in the air and twists it around Squidward's head. He ends up with two bows on his head, which are connected to his mouth.]
Squidward: What? What are you...?
[SpongeBob pulls on one of the strings that is attached to the bow. It makes Squidward smile.]
SpongeBob: There we go.
[SpongeBob runs off twirling the toilet paper. He runs across the top and bottom of the main windows, giving them bows. He twirls the toilet paper and dances. The scene changes to show SpongeBob in the kitchen. He is stepping on a ketchup bottle and a mustard bottle. The scene shifts to show the back of SpongeBob. Above him, there is a banner that is written in ketchup and mustard. It reads, "Eleventy-Seventh Anniversary." The scene changes to show SpongeBob squeezing a mustard bottle. He is then show squeezing a mustard bottle. Part of either the bathroom or kitchen door is shown. It shows the mustard and the ketchup crossing over to look similar to a strand of DNA. The scene changes to show mustard going on a wall in a wave pattern. The scene changes to show a table. SpongeBob puts a design on the table. SpongeBob is then shown tip-toeing sideways while holding a bottle of mustard and ketchup. He then spins it around. The scene changes to show a Krabby Patty. SpongeBob puts a hose in the Krabby Patty. SpongeBob is then shown pushing a pressure handle. It inflates the Krabby Patty. The scene then shows Krabby Patties that are attached to string. They are on the ceiling. The last patty floats up. The scene pans out to show the decorated Krusty Krab. The banner is now in the dining area and the order boat has bows on it. The kitchen door is shown. He walks out. SpongeBob floats down to him on a Krabby Patty balloon. SpongeBob releases it and it floats away.]
SpongeBob: Your change, sir.
[SpongeBob gives Mr. Krabs the 2 quarters.]
Mr. Krabs: Good work boy. What, that's it?
[SpongeBob walks away. Mr. Krabs takes out his clipboard.]
Mr. Krabs: Decorations, check. Security?
[Patrick is shown standing outside the bathroom. Squidward leaves the bathroom. Patrick sees Squidward and pushes him to the wall. The scene returns to Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs: Check.
[The scene changes to show the exterior of the Krusty Krab. The crowd is chanting.]
Crowd: We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! [The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs' arm. He has a watch with money on it. The hand moves.] [Off-screen] We want Krabby Patties!
Mr. Krabs: [As the crowd is still saying, "We want Krabby Patties!"] Okay, open your ears. These people have come from miles around because they love my patties. I want every employee on their best behavior.
[SpongeBob and Squidward are shown sitting at a table. Squidward has his head down. By this point, the crowd has stopped.]
Squidward: Are you getting any of this, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Every word, Squidward, every word.
Mr. Krabs: So, let's get out there and sell some Krabby Patties!
[SpongeBob is shown standing up]
SpongeBob: Yes! Yeah! Ooh, I almost forgot. Mr. Krabs, wait! There's one last decoration! [The scene changes to show the Kitchen, focused on the door. SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Patrick walk to the freezer. SpongeBob pulls a bar that is holding the shut.] I present to you... [SpongeBob tries to open the freezer door, but it is difficult.] [Straining] I present to you... [He yells and pulls the handle off. It hits Squidward in the face. He falls over and twitches his leg. The scene changes to show a white cloud. It fades away and the four are shown looking into the freezer. Mr. Krabs and Squidward gasp.] ... my ode to the Krabby Patty [the scene shows a giant ice sculpture of a Krabby Patty on a pedestal.] made entirely out of ice.
Mr. Krabs: Yessh, boy. [The four walk into the freezer. The scene pans out to show how big the sculpture is.] This thing's enormous.
Squidward: [Shivering] And cold.
[The scene shows Mr. Krabs' claw on the backside of the sculpture.]
Mr. Krabs: All right, let's get this thing out of here. Me customers are waiting.
[The scene shows Mr. Krabs, followed by Squidward and Patrick on the backside of the sculpture and SpongeBob on its front side.]
SpongeBob: Ready? Set? [SpongeBob pulls the sculpture while the other three push it. It does not move. Instead, SpongeBob goes flying. out the freezer. He bounces off the kitchen's front wall and enters the freezer again. The door closes after him. SpongeBob hits the sculpture's pedestal and slides to the floor. The other three stare at the freezer door. Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick scream.] Guys, I'm okay. No need to scream.
[Squidward and Mr. Krabs scream and run to the freezer door. When they do so, they trample SpongeBob and Patrick. Squidward and Mr. Krabs start pounding on the door.]
Mr. Krabs: The door!
[The exterior of the freezer is shown. The door is extruding as the two pound on it. The scene shows Patrick and SpongeBob on the floor.]
SpongeBob: Oh, no. Patrick, stand up! [The two stand up.] We're locked in! [SpongeBob pulls Patrick close.] This is gonna spoil the eleventy-seventh anniversary.
[The scene changes to show the crowd outside.]
Crowd: We want Krabby Patties! We want...
[The scene returns to the exterior of freezer where Squidward and Mr. Krabs are still screaming and pounding on the door.]
Mr. Krabs: Somebody...
[The scene returns to the interior of the freezer.]
Mr. Krabs and Squidward: Anybody, I don't care who!
[The two stop pounding on the door.]
SpongeBob: How do we get out?
Mr. Krabs: Everybody calm down. I spent a lifetime working in this restaurant, and I know there's only one way out of here.
Patrick: A high school diploma?
Mr. Krabs: No, [The scene pans up to an air duct on the ceiling. It is right above the Krabby Patty Sculpture] the air duct. [A ladder falls on the side of the sculpture. Mr. Krabs walks up the ladder, goes to the air duct and takes off the cover. The scene changes to show the interior of an air duct. Mr. Krabs pops his walks in.] This way boys. [SpongeBob follows him. Squidward pops his head into the duct. Patrick, pops his head in too, but when he does, his head pushes Squidward up to the top of the duct. The scene shows the center of the duct system with ducts in every direction.] All we gotta to do is head through this duct.
Squidward: Which one? There must be 20 ways to go.
SpongeBob: Not to worry, Squidward. I have the entire map memorized.
[SpongeBob turns around and grunts. His holes mash together and makes the map.]
Mr. Krabs: [While SpongeBob is still grunting] Uh, hmm, uh...
SpongeBob: [Stressed] Hurry up, guys, this kind of hurts.
Mr. Krabs: Well, according to the map, we just go straight, take a right between these three moldy tree stumps, then head towards that kidney-bean shaped puddle of gravy.
Squidward: That's not the map, you old barnacle. Those are [The scene zooms into SpongeBob's back, showing the three "stumps" and the "pile of gravy."] three moles and a birthmark.
Mr. Krabs: Oh. All right, [Mr. Krabs turns around and points to one of the vents] then, let's try this one.
[The scene changes to an area that shows the exterior of several vents. A bulge in the closest vent appears. The screaming of Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward is heard.]
Squidward: [Off-Screen] It's this way.
[The bulge continues until it stops. The scream is heard again, but it is heard three times, each with an additional bulge to the vent.]
Patrick: Here it is.
[The bulge moves until it finds a vertical pipe, then falls quickly. The scene changes to show the interior of the vent. Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick fall past the scene, screaming. The scene changes to show the exterior of the pipes, except the one that the four are in is not the exterior. The four go through a few curves until they land in a large vent room. They way that they land is, Mr. Krabs on the right, then SpongeBob on top of Squidward, and Patrick lying on his belly on the left. Next to Mr. Krabs there is a yellow wrapper that says, "Krabby Patty" in blue and has a Krabby Patty.]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, what's this? [Mr. Krabs picks it up and the scene zooms in to show the wrapper clearly.] It's an old Krabby Patty wrapper. [The scene returns to the one before.] Aah, that takes me back to the good old days.
[The scene returns to the wrapper and fades to show a black and white scene. The animation is in the style of 1950s cartoons. The scene shows baby SpongeBob in front of a TV.]
TV Narrator (1950s): Now a word from our sponsor.
[SpongeBob leans towards the TV and screams in happiness. The scene shifts to the TV.]
Female Singers: [As the letters appear] ♪ K-R-A-B-B-Y [The letters go up and down. The letters in the next part are not shown.] P-A-T-T-Y ♪
[A Krabby Patty falls on top of the letters.]
Male Singers: ♪ Bud dum dum dum dum ♪
[A bell rings]
Female Singers: ♪ Krabby Patty [The scene widens to show the Krabby Patty on a plate, which is being held by a young Mr. Krabs] give 'em a try ♪
[The scene changes to show SpongeBob's face]
Mr. Krabs: [Off-Screen] ♪ Come on down and... ♪
Mr. Krabs and the Female Singers: ♪ ...buy, buy, buy. ♪
[The scene changes to show a Krabby Patty]
Female Singers: ♪ Not just one or [The patty becomes smaller and a second patty appears] two or [The two patties become small and a third patty appears] three, but [The Krabby Patties spin left, getting smaller, and three more patties join them.] enough for the whole, [6 fish appear next to each patty.] family. ♪
[The scene changes to show a container of fries with "K K" on it, a Krabby Patty, and a soda container with "K K" on it.]
TV Narrator (1950s): [Off-Screen] Yes, folks, nine out of ten doctors recommend eating at least one Krabby Patty a day to maintain a healthy lifestyle and a youthful, positive attitude.
[The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs in a doctor's office, wearing a doctor outfit.]
Dr. Krabs: [As the scene pans in] I'm a doctor... as far as you know, and I believe Krabby Patties add years to your life. [The panning stops] So, what are you waiting for? Go out and get yourself a Krabby Patty. [The scene changes to show a sack with "K K" on it.] [Off-Screen] Or go out and buy a Sackful of Krabbies. [The scene changes to show a crate with "K K" on it. The crate is full of Krabby Patties.] Or better yet, go out and get yourself a case of the Krabbies. [The scene returns to "Dr. Krabs." He lifts up a Krabby Patty.] For your health.
[The scene changes to show SpongeBob. The scene changes to show "K."]
Female Singers: [As each letter goes on the screen individually] ♪ K-R-A-B-B-Y P-A-T-T-Y [The scene changes to show the Soda, Krabby Patty, and Fries from earlier.] Krabby Patty. ♪
[The scene changes to show SpongeBob walking to the Krusty Krab. The scene changes to show the order boat and an octopus that might be Squidward. He presses a button on the cash register and it opens. Six Krabby Patties appear. The scene changes to show a counter. SpongeBob pops his head above the counter. Margaret and Harold SquarePants run into the scene. The octopus comes into the scene with a plate of three Krabby Patties. SpongeBob starts grabbing for them. The octopus gives SpongeBob a Krabby Patty. SpongeBob eats the Patty and then hearts form in his eyes. The hearts get bigger and cover the screen. There is an old TV turning off and the flashback ends. Mr. Krabs sighs.]
Mr. Krabs: Back then, Krabby Patties only cost a dime. [Mr. Krabs gets angry and crumples up the wrapper.] It was a dark and [He throws the wrapper on the floor.] evil time. [Mr. Krabs' eyes are shown with a dime in each, where his pupils should be. He starts sweating.] I still have nightmares.
[Squidward sobs.]
Squidward: We'll never get out of here.
SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward. We'll find a way out and then we'll have the best eleventy-seventh anniversary ever. All we have to do is stick together.
[The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick in a short vent. They are all close together. They are crawling along. The scene then shows a close shot of Patrick and Squidward. Patrick does some shallow breathing. Squidward gets angry. Squidward turns his head.]
Squidward: Stop breathing on my neck. Yuck.
[Patrick holds his breath. He strains more and more until he cannot take it anymore. He breaths and spit gets all over Squidward's face. The group stops. The scene shifts to show a medium shot of the group.]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, I think [He points ahead] I see the exit.
[The scene changes to show a red metal room. A circular door is shown. It starts turning. Mr. Krabs enters the room. A wider shot of the room is shown. It shows 11 TVs, a chair, and a control panel. One of the screens shows Conch Street. One of the screens shows the exterior of Patrick's rock. One of the screens shows the exterior of Mr. Krabs' anchor. One of the screens shows the exterior of the Chum Bucket. One of the screens shows the exterior of the Krusty Krab. One of the screens shows the exterior of Sandy's Treedome. One of the screens shows part of Sandy's bathroom. One of the screens shows part of downtown Bikini Bottom. One of the screens shows a lady screaming inside of the Barg'N-Mart. One of the screens shows Mr. Krabs' office. One of the screens shows the Krusty Krab kitchen.]
Mr. Krabs: Ah, barnacles. It's just the Surveillance Room.
[Mr. Krabs walks inside. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward enter.]
SpongeBob: Oh. My house is on TV.
Squidward: All of our houses are on TV.
[Mr. Krabs backs away until he is out of frame]
[A TV is shown. It shows SpongeBob's bedroom. Gary is jumping on SpongeBob's bed.]
Gary: Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
SpongeBob: [while Gary meows] Gary the snail, you get down from that bed this instant.
Patrick: [pointing to another TV] Hey, there's my house.
[The screen shows the interior of Patrick's house. In it, there is a couch and a TV that has the Realistic Fish Head on it. The scene returns to the three.]
Squidward: You left your TV on.
Patrick: Well, duh. I don't want to miss my shows.
SpongeBob: [Pointing to a TV] Look, it's Sandy!
[The scene shows a TV that shows Sandy brushing her teeth in her bathroom.]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, [He turns his head around] why do you have cameras watching us?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, uh... uh... uh... [He shrugs] I just want to make sure you all floss after every meal.
SpongeBob: Thank you, Mr. Krabs. Dental hygiene is very, very important.
Patrick: [pointing to a screen] Hey, who are those guys?
[The scene shows the back of the group looking at the screen of themselves. Mr. Krabs walks back into frame.]
SpongeBob: I think it's us, Patrick. [The four turn around] But, who are they? [The screen shows a side view of the room. The four are shown on one side of the room and a cameraman and boom microphone operator are shown on the other.]
[The boom microphone operator drops the boom microphone. He then lifts the cameraman up a vent that is located above them. The cameraman then lifts up the boom microphone operator. They leave. The scene changes to show SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs in front of the TVs. The Krusty Krab TV that shows the exterior shows the crowd of fish outside.]
Crowd: [On TV] We want Krabby Patties!
[Mr. Krabs gasps.]
Mr. Krabs: [While the crowd says, "We want Krabby Patties!"] Me customers are getting antsy.
[The Scene shows the outside of the Krusty Krab]
Crowd: ...Patties! We want Krabby Patties! [A line is shown, it then pans down to show that Plankton is between the fishes' legs] Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! [Plankton sneaks past the line] We want Krabby Patties!
[Plankton makes it to an exterior air vent. He squeezes in. He then sneaks inside an air vent. He sneaks into a hole and falls in. He screams. He hits parts of vents. The scene changes to show another vent.]
Mr. Krabs: [Off-screen] We're [On screen with the rest of the group] getting warm. I can feel it.
SpongeBob: That might just be my hand, Mr. Krabs.
[The scene shows a fork in the vents. The scene returns to the four.]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, a crossroads. [Mr. Krabs points to the right] I'll go this way, and SpongeBob, [He points to the left] you lead them down that way.
[Mr. Krabs enters the right path]
SpongeBob: Lead them? I can finally [He takes off his Krusty Krab hat and takes out a a Tyrolean hat and puts it on.] use my leader hat... [The scene shows SpongeBob wearing sock garters.] and my lederhosen.
Patrick: Nice.
Squidward: Those are just sock garters, you idiot.
SpongeBob: Follow me!
[The three start moving.]
Squidward: This is not happening. It's just not happening.
[Mr. Krabs is shown going down the right path. The other three are shown going down the left path. Their path ends with a dead end. They try to move forward, but start struggling.]
SpongeBob: Guys, its a dead end.
[The vent breaks and the three start screaming. They fall. The scene returns to Nickelodeon Studios, where Patchy is going through the Rolodex. The scene changes to show Patchy.]
Patchy: Hey! [He takes the card off the Rolodex] I went to Blackbeard Polytechnic with this guy. He has to be on my show, according to pirates' code.
[Craig Ferguson is shown at his desk. He is stitching a fabric. Around him, there is other crafting supplies. The phone rings. He answers it]
Craig Ferguson: Hello.
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: [In a Scottish voice] Is this Captain Craig, son of Fergu?
[The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.]
Craig Ferguson: Oh, hey, Patchy the Pirate.
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: How's me old Blackbeard College roommate?
[The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.]
Craig Ferguson: You know, I'm good, I'm good, Patchy. Listen, it would be great to go plunging down memory rapids with you, but I'm kind of busy right now.
[A man comes in with a tray of bagels. Craig Ferguson chooses one. The man leaves. The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Listen, Fergulicious. I was hoping I could get you to appear on my SpongeBob Fan Club 10th year anniversary show tonight.
[The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.]
Craig Ferguson: Uh, no. No, that's...not gonna work for me.
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Oh, you have to. It's in [The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.] the pirates' code.
Craig Ferguson: Arr!
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Argh!
[The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.]
Craig Ferguson: Arrghh!
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Arrr!
[The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.]
Craig Ferguson: GYARRRRR!
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: UHHH, no. I'm not gonna go there. 'Cause I see how it is, Mr. Big Shot, Mr. TV. No time for your old pirate school buddies anymore.
[The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.]
Craig Ferguson: [In a pirate voice] That's right, Patchy. I got my own network TV show now.
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Oh, great. So, how's on your big fancy-schmancy TV show tonight?
[The scene returns to Craig Ferguson.]
Craig Ferguson: Actually, we've got a real A-lister tonight. Robin Williams is on.
[The scene returns to Patchy. Two yellow stars cover his eye and patch. They spin.]
Patchy: [As the stars spin.] Robin Williams! [He sputters. The stars disappear.] Gotta Go, Fergo.
[Patchy hangs up. The scene returns to Craig Ferguson. He hangs up.]
Craig Ferguson: Where's my bagel?! Bagel!
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: Thanks for the tip, Ferguson.
[Patchy maniacally laughs as the scene zooms into him. It then fades to the outside. Patchy is shown behind some bushes. He is wearing a suit. He is looking for something. He snaps his fingers and continues moving forward. Robin Williams approaches a door that reads, "Studio 1a."]
Patchy: [Walking to Robin Williams] Mr. Williams, how are you?
Robin Williams: [As Patchy laughs] Whoa. Give me one.
[Robin Williams shakes Patchy's hook.]
Patchy: So are you-ho-ho, here for the show?
Robin Williams: I am. I'm a little late.
Patchy: This way.
[Robin Williams starts following Patchy.]
Robin Williams: Right this. There's not someone dressed like Popeye is there?
[Patchy laughs.]
Patchy: I never heard of him. [The scene changes to show the two inside the backrooms of a studio.]
Robin Williams: What's your name again?
Patchy: Keep up, Mr. Williams. [stutters] Uh, Pagey. Pagey the Pirate.
[Patchy puts his index finger up to his mouth and looks at the camera.]
Robin Williams: Pagey, oh. Oh, excuse me just a second.
[Robin Williams tries to grab some food at a nearby catering table.]
Patchy: [Slapping Robbin Williams' hand out of the way] Oh, Mr. Williams, that's not for you.
Robin Williams: Okay. [Patchy makes a turn and Robin Williams follows] Not for me. I've never been this way.
Patchy: You've signed all the releases and everything?
Robin Williams: Um, not yet, but... What-what part of the studio is this?
Patchy: Oh, it's the part, that... We're on our way to the green room.
Robin Williams: Oh.
Patchy: Don't you worry, Mr. Williams.
Robin Williams: I've never been to this part of the studio before.
Patchy: Oh, it's a new way.
Robin Williams: A new way?
[They reach a bathroom.]
Robin Williams: Do you mind if I just use...?
Patchy: Oh, sure.
Robin Williams: Thank you.
[Robin Williams goes inside.]
Patchy: Oh, and Mr. Williams...
[The door shuts on Patchy's hook, resulting Patchy to shriek in pain. Robin Williams opens the door a bit to release Patchy's hook.]
Robin Williams: Sorry.
Patchy: It's okay. [The door shuts] I'll wait outside.
[The scene changes to show Robin Williams in the bathroom. He goes to a mirror and sighs. He calls someone.]
Robin Williams: Hey, Dave, I'm at the Ferguson Show... I think. And there's this pirate...
[Patchy knocks on the door.]
Patchy: [Off-screen] Mr. Williams, [The scene changes to show Patchy. The door opens.] everything okay on the poop deck?
Robin Williams: [Off-Screen] I'll be right there.
[The door shuts.]
Patchy: Okay.
[The scene returns to the bathroom.]
Robin Williams: I don't know what's going on here. I don't know if they're doing a takeoff on Hook, or if...
[Patchy knocks on the door.]
Patchy: [Off-screen] Everything okay, Mr. Williams?
Robin Williams: Yeah, everything's fine, Patchy.
[The scene changes to show Patchy. He knocks on the door again.]
Patchy: All righty.
Robin Williams: [Off-screen] I'll be right out!
[The scene returns to the bathroom.]
Robin Williams: I'll call you back if I need help. I'm going to leave the phone on in my pocket.
Patchy: [Off-screen] Time is money. [The scene returns to Patchy. Robin Williams leaves the bathroom.] Everything all right in there?
Robin Williams: Uh, yes, yes, but...
Patchy: I'm sorry, I don't want to be late for the show, Mr. Williams.
Robin Williams: Oh, I don't either. Which way?
Patchy: [Pointing ahead of him] Go that way.
Robin Williams: [Pointing ahead of him] That way, go that way.
Robin Williams: That way?
Patchy: That way.
[They walk off-screen. The scene changes to show another part of the studio.]
Robin Williams: Where are we?
Patchy: Oh, just a place I know of.
Robin Williams: What, are we in the basement of the Copa? This is like a shot from The Raging Bull. This is an abduction.
Patchy: Oh, abduction?
Robin Williams: No, wait a minute, this is nuts.
Patchy: [Looking at the camera while chuckling] Abduction?
Robin Williams: What are you laughing about? Wait a minute, I know this place. This is where careers come to die!
[The scene changes to show the entrance to the green room.]
Patchy: Right this way, Mr. Williams.
Robin Williams: Okay, Patchy...
Patchy: The green room.
Robin Williams: The old green room.
Patchy: 'Cause it's green. [He leads Robin Williams into the green room] There you go, right there. [Robin Williams sits into a sofa.] Sit down. I'm gonna go get some more celebrities, okay?
Robin Williams: More?
[Patchy walks away, laughing. He turns around.]
Patchy: Don't try to escape! I mean... enjoy our hospitality. [Patchy leaves, closing the door behind him. Robin Williams gets up, walks to the door, opens it, and checks if Patchy is still there as he walks to the right side of the hallway.] [Off-screen] Who else you got, Ferguson?!
[Patchy maniacally laughs and Robin Williams goes the opposite way. The scene changes to black and then it shows a blue curtain (Version 2 begins here).]
French Narrator: It's Patchy the Pirate's SpongeBob SquarePants [The title card for Patchy special is shown.] Fan Club Big Time Impressive Celebrity Television Extravaganza! [The title card goes away. "3 Point Fowl" goes on the screen and a circle with a guy in a chicken outfit that is wearing a baseball uniform and holding a basketball is shown.] With celebrity guests-- basketball mascot, The 3 Point Fowl, [That image goes away and is replaced by a man dressed up like Abraham Lincoln.] The Guy on the Penny, [That image goes away and is replaced by a woman dressed up like Queen Elizabeth II.] her majesty, the Queen, [That image goes away and is replaced by an image of P!nk's face] musical guest, P!nk, [That image goes away and is replaced by a man in a tuxedo with a dummy.] Sir Quentin and his little wooden sidekick, Mr. Tinder, [That image goes away and is replaced by an image of SpongeBob] and guest of honor SpongeBob SquarePants! From Encino, California, the president [The scene changes to show a dark stage.] of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club and your host, [The lights open and it reveals a stage. There are five images of SpongeBob. One is in a hula skirt, holding a ukulele. One is dancing with a Krusty Krab hat. One is jumping. One is standing still. One is running and looking at Gary who is on his head. There is also a path for Patchy to follow that looks like a path on a treasure map. Patchy is shown looking at the camera from behind the still SpongeBob. He goes back.] Patchy the Pirate!
[There is a spotlight on Patchy. He follows the path. He misses by a step and slides to the left. Music starts playing. A different shot of Patchy is shown. He has a microphone]
Patchy: ♪ Ten years [The scene changes to show Patchy on a TV. The scene pans out to show that Potty is working behind the scenes.] [On the TV] of Sponge... ♪
Potty: Brawk. You're looking at the wrong camera.
[The scene returns to Patchy.]
Patchy: What? Potty, [The scene shows a director pointing to the camera that Patchy is supposed to look at. The cameraman looks disgusted] [Off-screen] where are ya?
[The scene returns to Potty, who squawks.]
Potty: Cue camera three.
Patchy: I can't hear you.
Potty: Cue Talent.
Patchy: "Cue"? What does that mean?
[The scene returns to the director. He is doing the same thing that he did before.]
Patchy: What are you pointing at [The scene returns to the director.] [Off-screen] me for? [The director facepalms.] You have a headache? [The scene returns to Patchy.] [Walking to the image of SpongeBob in the hula dress] Anyhoo, can you believe it, kids? It's been 10 years since I started the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club, and he's here in person! I'm finally gonna meet me idol! [He laughs happily] Let's bring him out now! [The scene returns to the director. He is pointing to a large card that reads, "P!nk"] [The scene returns to Patchy.] Nobody cares. [The scene returns to the director. He continues to point to the card.] [Off-screen] Without further ado, [The scene returns to Patchy.] please welcome...SpongeBob SquarePants! [The scene moves to an empty spotlight. The scene returns to Patchy.] Without further ado... [the music restarts from the same point] please welcome...SpongeBob SquarePants! [The scene moves to the empty spotlight again, but this time crickets are heard chirping]
[The scene returns to Patchy, who chuckles nervously. Potty flies down.]
Potty: Squawk, squawk, squawk.
[Patchy's nervous smile fades to a scowl as Potty leaves.]
Patchy: Whaat?! What do you mean he's not coming?! 10 years, I've been president in his fan club! [The scene moves to a bag that reads "returned." It has many letters in it.] He never answered any of my letters! [Patchy takes out an image of him and another guy with a giant check.] Never showed up to any of my charity luncheons! [The scene changes to show Patchy's back.] Now I throw him a television extravaganza and he can't even be bothered to show up?! [Walking to the exit] Well, we'll just see about that! [He kicks the door open and leaves. He is then shown outside. He is next to the road. A bunch of cars go by. He continues to walk. The scene returns to the Director who looks over his shoulder. He looks at the cameraman. The cameraman shrugs. The scene changes to show Patchy's boat car. Patchy walks up.] You want a piece of me? Well, you're going to get one. [As he unanchors his boat car.] Think you can spurn my advances, eh? I've been a fan since the beginning. 10... Ohh! [He sees that he has a parking ticket.] Oh, you...!
[He throws the ticket in the front, then he exclaims in regret. Afterwards, he sits in his boat car and drives away. The scene changes to show the exterior of a place called, "Fancy Studios." It then shows the exterior of the green room. It then shows the interior. The Queen is getting coffee. The guy in The 3 Point Fowl costume is holding the head in one hand and checking his phone in the other. The Guy on the Penny is sitting in a chair tapping his hands on his legs. There is a mime that is sitting in a chair and reading a newspaper. There is a sailor that is sitting and looking up. There is a woman looking in the mirror and putting on makeup.]
P!nk: I [She is shown sitting down in a pirate outfit, sitting on a couch] can't believe I gave up my Hawaiian Vacation for this.
[The scene pans out to show that Sir Quentin and Mr. Tinder are on the other side of the couch.]
Mr. Tinder: I really love your music.
P!nk: Remind me to make my agent walk the plank.
[The scene changes to show The Queen holding a pineapple.]
The Queen: How are we supposed to eat these?
[Potty comes in and squawks.]
Potty: Can I get you anything?
The Queen: A pineapple slicer, please?
P!nk: Passage on the next steamer out of here?
Potty: Just five more minutes.
[Potty squawks and leaves. The scene changes to show P!nk and her band, who are also dressed up like pirates.]
P!nk: Well, there's no use sitting around like a bunch of barnacles on the bottom of a dry dock dinghy. Let's do some practicing!
Band: Arr!
[They all walk off-screen. The scene changes to show P!nk's head. A few bubbles float past her.]
P!nk: One, two, three, four! [The scene shows a wide shot, revealing that the band is in a fishbowl. There is a goldfish, pink rocks, and a treasure chest inside the fishbowl. On the left of the fishbowl, there is a modern-day ship wheel. On the right of the fishbowl, there is an old-fashion ship wheel. behind the old-fashion ship wheel, there is a potted plant.] ♪ Our gums are black, our teeth are falling out. [A close shot of one of the band members heads is shown. He spits out teeth. P!nk and one of the band members, who is facing backwards, is shown. P!nk lifts up his shirt to reveal spots.] We got spots on our backs, so give it up and shout. ♪
[They all return to their original positions.]
P!nk and the band: ♪ We got scurvy. ♪
P!nk: ♪ We need some Vitamin C. ♪
[oranges attached to strings fall into the scene.]
P!nk and the band: ♪ We got scurvy. ♪
[The scene changes to show a sky]
P!nk: [As a lemon tree appears] ♪ We need a lemon tree. ♪
[The scene changes to show the band on a boat in the water]
P!nk and the band: ♪ We got scurvy. ♪
P!nk: ♪ We just chillin' on the sea. ♪ [The drummer is shown drumming. He is then shown in the background and P!nk is in the foreground.] Let's get this scurvy started. [A medium shot of the boat is shown.] ♪ A pirate ain't worthy [the band softly says, "ooh" in the background] til he's got some scurvy. Since you got your scurvy, oh, you unnerve me when you sing that song. Scurvy! ♪
Band: ♪ Scurvy! ♪
P!nk: ♪ We got scurvy! ♪
Band: ♪ Scurvy! ♪
P!nk: ♪ We got scurvy! ♪
Band: ♪ Scurvy! ♪
P!nk: ♪ We got scurvy. ♪
Band: ♪ Scurvy. ♪
[Pink pushes two of the band members off the boat. The drummer then jumps off the boat. The scene changes to show a road bridge crossing a river. Next to the bridge is a control dam made up of several concrete pillars including one with graffiti of Squidward. Patchy drives his boat car on the river, underneath the bridge and next to that pillar. The scene then changes to Niagara Falls in the winter. Patchy drives his boat car on the Niagara River before going down American Falls.]
Patchy: Hey!
[Patchy yells as he falls down American Falls. The scene changes to show the end of a water pipe, which Patchy comes out of. Patchy is shown holding up a telescope. The telescope's view is shown. It shown the Bikini Bottom Island.]
Patchy: There it is! [He puts the telescope away and chuckles eagerly. The scene then shows Patchy approaching the island in the distance.] I'm comin' for ya, SquarePants.
[He drives towards it. A wide shot is shown. A whale comes out of the ocean and eats Patchy and his boat. A bubble transition happens until it shows the Krusty Krab, which has no one there. The scene changes to show Plankton falling through the pipes. He falls through another vent grate into a vent.]
Plankton: Thank Neptune that's over. [SpongeBob is heard screaming of screen]
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward fall through the top of the vent and land on Plankton]
[Squidward and Patrick lift their heads up. Plankton manages to get out from under the three. He is dizzy. He recovers from being dizzy.]
Plankton: SpongeBob! Aggh! [Squidward, Patrick, and SpongeBob are shown. They are all sitting up. SpongeBob puts his work hat back on.] Why must you always ruin my plans?
SpongeBob: Plankton, [He lift Plankton up] you're trying to steal the Krabby Patty recipe again.
Plankton: Uh, I didn't, uh... Okay fine. You caught me. You happy now?
SpongeBob: You know, this reminds me of the time Mr. Krabs confided in me the Krabby Patty recipe. Oh, I don't want to bore you with my silly old stories.
Plankton: Oh, you couldn't possibly bore me.
SpongeBob: Well, okay. Mr. Krabs called me into his office.
[A flashback begins. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are shown in Mr. Krabs' office.]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you've been working here for a while now, so I think I can trust you. It's time I told you.
[SpongeBob screams and gasps.]
SpongeBob: You mean?
[Mr. Krabs' lips are shown.]
Mr. Krabs: Yes. The Krabby Patty formular. Follow me, son. [Mr. Krabs puts his arm around SpongeBob and they start walking.] We need to go where no one will ever hear us. [They walk out of the Krusty Krab. They are shown leaving Bikini Bottom. They are shown going through a jungle. They are wearing safari explorer clothing. They are shown going a desert. They are wearing desert clothing. They are shown on the seas in a storm. They are wearing rain coats and hats. They are shown crossing a bridge in the mountains. They are shown climbing up a mountain. They are wearing winter clothing. They are shown walking up to flat land. They are tired and dirty.] Ugh. We finally made it. [Mr. Krabs pushes SpongeBob ahead quickly until they reach the back of the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs opens the door.] Quick, into me office before anyone sees us.
[The door closes. The flashback ends. Plankton is shown in SpongeBob's hand.]
Plankton: What? You went in a circle. Why didn't you just stay in the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: We wanted to make sure we weren't followed. Then, Mr. Krabs leaned close and whispered the recipe.
Plankton: Yes? Go on.
[The flashback resumes. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are shown in the Krusty Krab. They are cleaned up.]
Mr. Krabs: Now, remember, you can never tell another living soul.
Plankton: [Off-Screen] Wait! [The scene expands it shows Mr. Krabs in a thought bubble connected to SpongeBob. Plankton has a pen.] Wait! Hold on!
Mr. Krabs: [Holding on to the edge of the bubble] What's that?
Plankton: My pen is out of ink. [Plankton tries to get the pen to work. Eventually, it works.] Okay, okay, go ahead.
Mr. Krabs: Plankton. [He grabs Plankton.] You'll never get me formula. [He squishes Plankton up like a ball.] Not even in a flashback.
[Mr. Krabs laughs and throws Plankton through another grate. Plankton falls through the pipes again. The scene returns to SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward. Mr. Krabs has joined the group.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, if you had never come to Bikini Bottom, this wouldn't be happening-
[Squidward realizes something and smiles.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, what's with the creepy smile?
Squidward: I was just [he chuckles] remembering the world before SpongeBob.
[He laughs a flashback begins. Squidward is shown sleeping in his bed. He wakes up, takes a deep breath, yawns, and stretches out his arm tentacles. He jumps out of bed. He opens the window. He takes out a watering can and waters a plot of land that is where SpongeBob's house should be. Flowers with faces pop out of the ground.]
Flowers: Morning, Squidward.
[Squidward is shown in his doorway. There is a rainbow above his house and scallops are floating around the rainbow. Squidward sniffs and then sighs contently. He skips out of his house. He then twirls. Presents fall around him. One part opens like a door and Squidward rides his recumbent bicycle. He rides until he hits a rock. He flies out of the bicycle. His helmet also falls off revealing Squidward's Krusty Krab hat. He hits the door to the Krusty Krab. The door opens. He walks to his station while getting his balance back. He passes a line of customers. He listens into the Kitchen and then looks in. A brown fish is shown.]
Squidward: Good morning, Not SpongeBob.
[Squidward lifts up Not SpongeBob and kisses him on the forehead. He runs to the front of his station. He puts his arm tentacles on the top of the cash register and sighs. SpongeBob's laughing his heard, which makes Squidward cringe. The scene changes to show the group in modern day. SpongeBob is laughing. SpongeBob grabs Squidward's head and pulls it next to his.]
SpongeBob: But, Squidward, you're glad I moved in. Remember that day? [A flashback begins. SpongeBob is shown with Patty Rechid. SpongeBob has his hand on his "chin." A shoe house is shown.] Uh-uh. [A castle in a fishbowl is shown.] Nah. [A toilet house is shown.] Ew.
[The scene moves upwards to the surface of the water. a boat is shown. The boat turns. The side of the boat is shown. A pineapple falls off the boat. It falls into the water. Patrick and Squidward's houses are shown next to a garden, where SpongeBob house should be. Squidward leaves his house and goes over to the garden. He takes a deep breath, sighs, and starts working. SpongeBob and Patty walk by. They are sad.]
Patty Rechid: Okay, well, that's every available house in Bikini Bottom.
[They look up to see the pineapple. Squidward stops working.]
Squidward: My secret garden is finally done.
[The pineapple falls on Squidward. He cuts out a hole so that he can leave. It is in the same place where SpongeBob's door should be. Squidward falls down.]
Patty Rechid: Oh yeah, I forgot about that one.
[The pineapple house is shown fully formed.]
SpongeBob: It's beautiful. [He gives Patty a large bag of money] I'll take it. [He walks forward. Patty is happy. Squidward gets up.] [As he is walking] Howdy, neighbor! [He stops walking.] I'm SpongeBob SquarePants. [He hugs Squidward.] And we're going to be bestest friends. [Patrick walks into the scene.] Hey, Patrick. Guess who just moved in right next door?
Patrick: Neighbor hug!
[Patrick hugs Squidward and SpongeBob. Squidward groans. The flashback ends to show the group, except Mr. Krabs, hugging. They are in a different part of the vent than before.]
Crowd: [Off-Screen] We want Krabby Patties! We Want [Mr. Krabs turns his head and gasps.] Krabby Patties!
Mr. Krabs: What's the sound?[Mr. Krabs looks through a hole in the ventilation wall. The scene shows a hole in the Krusty Krab with Mr. Krabs' eye behind it. He gasps.] Customers!
[The scene widens to show a large crowd of fish outside the Krusty Krab.]
Crowd: We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want to spend money!
Harold: What do we want?
Crowd: Krabby Patties!
Harold: Why do want them?
Crowd: To spend money!
[The scene returns to the vents. Mr. Krabs' pocket is bulging out.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh no. All that loose change out there [He takes out his wallet] is driving me wallet mad with money lost. [It barks and then pants.] Poor little guy's starving. [He then puts his wallet through the hole.] There you go, boy. You're free. Go towards the money boy. Towards the money!
[The wallet falls in front of the Krusty Krab doors. Dave walks by.]
Dave: Hey, a wallet! [He picks it up and opens it.] And there's 50 bucks in it. All right!
[Dave walks away, holding it in the air. The scene returns to the vents.]
Mr. Krabs: Hey! Oh no! [He starts crying.] What am I going to do? [He stops crying.] We gotta get out of here. Now!
SpongeBob: Oh. If only Sandy were here. She could help us.
Patrick: Oh! Hey, maybe we can use this. [He goes into his pants a takes out a walkie talkie.] I borrowed it from Sandy's treedome. It might be our way outta here. Shh! Everybody quiet! [Shouts] Hey, Sandy, I got your radio! If you want it back, come and get it! She'll come.
[Patrick pats the walkie talkie.]
Squidward: Oh, give me that. [He takes the Walkie Talkie. He tunes it.] Sandy, come in, Sandy.
Sandy: [Off-Screen] Sandy Cheeks here. [The scene changes to show the exterior of Sandy's Treedome.] So, it was [The scene changes to show Sandy] you who stole my other radio, Squidward!
[The scene returns to the vents.]
Squidward: What? No. I'm just-- I...
[Patrick screams.]
Patrick: Sandy's trapped in that box! [Patrick grabs the walkie talkie and throws it on the ground, breaking it.] Sandy?
[Squidward growls. SpongeBob sighs.]
SpongeBob: Remember the day Sandy and I got married?
[The other three gasp.]
Mr. Krabs: What?!
Squidward: No!
Patrick: I'm freaking out!
SpongeBob: Mm-hmm...
[A flashback starts. Mrs. Puff is shown playing the organ. Sandy is shown in a wedding dress. She starts to walk down the aisle. The scene changes to show SpongeBob at the end of the aisle with a wedding officiant. Patrick is near SpongeBob. One each side of the aisle there is a crowd of people, including Mr. Krabs and Pearl. Sandy finishes walking down the aisle.]
Wedding officiant: Friends, we have gathered here today to join these two hearts [The crowd is shown] in the bonds of love. [Plankton is shown. He looks up. The scene widens to shown Karen in her mobile form. She looks at Plankton. The scene returns to SpongeBob, Sandy and the wedding officiant] SpongeBob, do you take Sandy as your lawfully wedded wife?
SpongeBob: I do.
Wedding officiant: And Sandy, do you take SpongeBob as your lawfully wedded husband?
Sandy: And how!
Wedding officiant: Well then, I now pronounce you sponge and squirrel. You may kiss the bride.
[The wedding officiant walks away backwards. SpongeBob sprays breath spray into his mouth. He straightens his bow tie. SpongeBob and Sandy lean in and SpongeBob kisses Sandy's helmet. SpongeBob and Sandy look at the crowd. A light breaks and falls down, nearly hitting SpongeBob and Sandy. The scene shows the crowd. They are all angry.]
Frank (red shirt): Boo! You stink!
Mr. Krabs: Worst play I've ever seen. [The scene changes to shows part of the exterior of the Recreation Center. There is a sign that reads, "Tonight" and below that "The Marriage of SpongeBob" and below that there is an image of SpongeBob's head with a bow tie. The audience starts to leave.] And a total rip-off!
Fish: What has happened to the theater?
[The scene then shows a wide shot of the Recreation Center. There is a sign that reads, "Tonight Only The Marriage of SpongeBob"]
Another Fish: Lousy costumes.
[The scene returns to the interior. SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and the wedding officiant remain.]
Wedding officiant: I didn't know this was a play.
[The scene changes to black and then shows Patchy inside the whale. He has a fire. There is also a projector and some old film next to him. Patchy sighs deeply.]
Patchy: Well kids, this was supposed to be the part of the show where SpongeBob and I were gonna watch old outtakes [He takes out a film reel.] and rejected scenes and talk about 'em. [He starts crying and drops the film reel.] But he never showed up! And now I'm stuck in the belly of a whale! Oh well, We already paid for the airtime, so...here they are. [He starts the projector. A title card appears that reads, "Patchy the Pirate's World of Rare and Rejected SpongeBob Clips." Patchy then appears on the film next to an image of SpongeBob on an easel on a red curtain background.] Hello, children. You know, like any great work of art, SpongeBob didn't just appear out of nowhere. He started out as a thought. [A drawing of a man with SpongeBob in his head is shown.] Then he evolved into [A painting of a caveman drawing SpongeBob in the sand in a dark cave appears.] a primitive rendering. And along the way, [Patchy is shown again.] to becoming the sponge we all know and love, [Images of realistic SpongeBob and other characters appear on paper briefly, floating down.] he went through many different changes... [Patchy is shown again.] and phases...and phanges. [A painting that mimics the evolution of man image is shown. It uses SpongeBob looking-creatures instead of human ancestors.] And change can be very painful. For instance, [Patchy is shown again.] did you know that SpongeBob was not the first choice to star in the show? [gasps] Hard to believe, I know. Watch these opening themes, and you'll see why he was eventually picked.
[The classic film countdown happens. Painty is shown.]
Painty: Are you ready, kids?
Kids: Aye, aye, Captain.
Painty: I can't hear you.
Kids: Aye, aye, Captain!
Painty: Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Squidward's house] ♪Who lives in a monument under the sea?♪
[The door opens and Squidward is shown with pants. He looks down in shock. Hans takes the pants off and Squidward smiles.]
Kids: ♪Squidward Tentacles!♪
[Squidward falls into a bathtub and his head expands]
Painty: ♪Obnoxious, abrasive, conceded is he.♪
[Water comes out of Squidward's mouth and it covers the screen. One it clears, his name is shown in bubbles.]
Kids: ♪Squidward Tentacles!♪
[The name bubbles pop.]
Painty: [As Squidward is shown four times riding his recumbent bicycle with part of his name behind each of the bikes] ♪If practical common sense be something you wish...♪
Kids: ♪Squidward Tentacles!♪
Patchy: [Off-Screen] Neeext!
[The classic film countdown happens again. Painty is shown but with a different mouth.]
Painty: Are you ready, kids?
Kids: Aye, aye, Captain.
Painty: I can't hear you.
Kids: Aye, aye, Captain!
Painty: Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Patrick's house] ♪Who lives like a barnacle under the sea?♪
Kids: ♪Patrick Sea Star!♪
[The rock opens and Patrick is shown in his underwear. Hans puts his pants on. Patrick laughs.]
Patrick: Oh!
[Patrick falls and starts guffawing.]
Patchy: [Off-Screen] Nope!
[The classic film countdown happens again and Painty is shown for the third time, but with another different mouth.]
Painty: Are you ready, kids?
Kids: Aye, aye, Captain.
Painty: I can't hear you.
Kids: Aye, aye, Captain!
Painty: Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Mr. Krabs' house] ♪Who lives in an anchor under the sea?♪
[The door opens to show Mr. Krabs kissing a bag of money. Hans appears and pulls it away.]
Kids: ♪Eugene Krabs does!♪
Mr. Krabs: Hey!
Painty: ♪Crusty and red and greedy is he.♪
[The scene shows Hans taking the bag away. Mr. Krabs is following him.]
Mr. Krabs: Come back with me money!
[Money starts to fall out and Mr. Krabs grabs it.]
Kids: ♪Eugene Krabs does!♪
[Mr. Krabs passes some money and goes back to it and picks it up.]
Painty: ♪If stingy and greedy is something you wish...♪
Kids: ♪Eugene Krabs does!♪
Mr. Krabs: Money, money, money, money, money, money.
[The scene returns to Patchy]
Patchy: Ugh. Pretty cruddy, huh, kids? Here's a really old clip of SpongeBob. Back then, cartoons were called flickering funnies.
[The classic film countdown happens. SpongeBob's clock is shown with a face on it. It is in the style of 20s cartoons. It snores. It wakes up. SpongeBob's room is shown. His bed, mattress, barrel, and alarm are all alive too.]
Furniture: ♪Time to go to work!♪
[SpongeBob's blanket goes flying. SpongeBob stands up.]
SpongeBob: ♪I'm ready, I'm ready to go to work.♪
Furniture: ♪He's ready,♪
SpongeBob: Ready!
Furniture: ♪He's ready to go to work.♪
SpongeBob: Yeah! [The exterior of SpongeBob's house is shown bouncing up and down. It releases through the pipe. It becomes alive. Its legs rise. and its wooden door opens to show SpongeBob in the doorway. The house runs, jumps, and then rolls to the Krusty Krab. The Krusty Krab is also alive. Its legs rise.] Hello, Krusty Krab! [SpongeBob looks down at his wiggly toes and notices that he is only in his underwear. He whistles. His dresser hears the whistle. The bottom drawer opens and SpongeBob's clothes run to him. SpongeBob sucks his thumb and his Krusty Krab hat appears.] ♪I'm ready, I'm ready to go to work.♪
Pineapple and The Krusty Krab: ♪He's ready, he's ready to go to work.♪
[The Krusty Krab opens grabs SpongeBob and puts SpongeBob and inside of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob flies past customers. He is caught by the Krusty Krab's order boat, inside which Squidward is sleeping peacefully, and thrown inside]
SpongeBob: ♪I'm ready, I'm ready to go to work.♪
Order Window and grill: ♪He's ready,♪
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Order Window and grill: ♪He's ready,♪
SpongeBob: Ready!
Order Window and grill: ♪To go to work.♪
[The film stops and burns. Patchy is shown.]
Patchy: Oh, you-- [He coughs] You little scalawag! [He exclaims and notices the screen] Oh, uh...hey, kids. Just having some technical difficulties. [He nervously chuckles. The whale's inside starts rumbling, causing Patchy to start shaking.] Oh! Oh, don't sneeze. Don't sneeze!
[The whale goes above water.]
Whale: Ah... Ah...
[The Whale sneezes. Patchy is then shot out of the blowhole, yelling. He then falls down and lands in Fancy Studios. He lands in front of Sir Quentin and Mr. Tinder. Sir Quentin gets up from the couch and covers Mr. Tinder's eyes.]
Patchy: Oh... Ooh... [He faints. He is shown next to SpongeBob's pineapple.] Huh! There it is! SpongeBob's house! Oh, I finally get to meet me hero! [He laughs and dances] Whoo! [He knocks on SpongeBob's door. SpongeBob opens it.]
SpongeBob: Well, hello. [Patchy gasps and then stammers. He passes out.] Are you okay? [SpongeBob walks over to him.] Mister?
[Patchy is shown on the floor of the green room.]
The Guy on the Penny: [Off-screen] Mister, are you okay?
[People are shown around him.]
Patchy: SpongeBob?
The Guy on the Penny: Naw. It's just me, the Guy on the Penny.
Patchy: How'd I get here? W-Where's SpongeBob? Ugh, who am I kidding? I'm never gonna see SpongeBob.
The Queen: Hardly. You can see SpongeBob everywhere.
The Guy on the Penny: See?
[The Guy on the Penny lifts his hat and a SpongeBob plush toy is shown, with SpongeBob's laughter heard]
Patchy: [gasps in excitement] I knew it! SpongeBob!
[Patchy passes out again, but in a rather fascinated way. The scene changes to show the crowd of fish outside of the Krusty Krab.]
Crowd: We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties!
[The scene shows SpongeBob in the vent.]
SpongeBob: And we didn't even get to celebrate the Krusty Krab's eleventy-seventh anniversary. We missed what could have been the greatest party ever!
Patrick: Hmm. You guys ready to give up?
Mr. Krabs: Yes.
Squidward: Yes.
Patrick: And I'll just write my... myself down here for... for giving up too. Right, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: No, Patrick! I don't wanna give up.
Patrick: Ooh, I know. Uh, let's just say are tearful farewells and solemn last words.
Mr. Krabs: I didn't make any money.
[Mr. Krabs sobs.]
Squidward: I never made anyone sick with envy.
[Squidward sobs.]
Patrick: I didn't get to sleep in [He sobs.] this morning!
SpongeBob: Guys, we can't give up now! We got into this mess together, and we'll get out of it the same way.
Patrick: Through the freezer?
SpongeBob: No, by using our heads.
Mr. Krabs: To concoct an elaborate escape plan?
[SpongeBob gasps.]
SpongeBob: No! [He snaps his fingers.] As a battering ram. [SpongeBob takes some ventilation and puts it around Mr. Krabs. He tips Mr. Krabs over. He does the same thing with the other two. He puts them together to make a battering ram. He lifts them up.] Hup.
[Charges at the door. The exterior of the pipe is shown. It is in the dining area.]
Patrick: [Off-Screen] Owie!
Squidward: [Off-Screen] Ow!
Mr. Krabs: [Off-Screen] Ow!
[SpongeBob rams again]
Patrick: [Off-Screen] Owie!
Squidward: [Off-Screen] Ow!
Mr. Krabs: [Off-Screen] Ow!
[SpongeBob rams again]
Patrick: [Off-Screen] Owie!
Squidward: [Off-Screen] Ow!
Mr. Krabs: [Off-Screen] Ow!
SpongeBob: [Off-Screen] Okay. This is the one. Feel very good about this. Okay. Ready?
[SpongeBob rams again and they scream as they all fall out.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh boy, we made it out! [He jumps in the air.] Woo-hoo! [He runs out of frame] Money! Money! Money! Money! [Mr. Krabs is opens one of the doors.] Come on in folks. [The scene shows that no one is at the Krusty Krab.] No need to shove. Plenty of room for all your money! and i-... Gasp! Where are all me customers? [Mr. Krabs walks outside.] They left...? With all their money?!
[He wails. SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick walk to the door. Squidward joins Mr. Krabs outside.]
Squidward: We went through all that for nothing?!
[SpongeBob and Patrick join Mr. Krabs and Squidward outside.]
SpongeBob: Oh, it was not for nothing, Squidward. I spent the whole day with my best friends. [He hugs Squidward.] You, Squidward. [He points to Patrick] And you, Patrick.
Patrick: What now?
[SpongeBob runs over to Mr. Krabs, who is still crying]
SpongeBob: And let's not forget the man who made it all possible. Mr. Krabs. What could be better?
Mr. Krabs: [sobs slowly before stopping] Money?
SpongeBob: ♪ Oh! ♪
Squidward: Oh, no. He's not going to sing.
SpongeBob: ♪ Oh Krusty Krab, oh Krusty Krab. Oh, how I love you, Krusty Krab. Your Krabby Patties from the grill. [He walks forward.] The smell of grease gives me a thrill. [He walks to the Krusty Krab sign] Oh Krusty Krab, oh Krusty Krab. Oh, how I love you, Krusty Krab. [The scene with Mr. Krabs changing the prices, from earlier is shown.] With prices high [The scene changes to show a Krabby Patty under a magnifying glass. The magnifying glass is removed and it is shown in SpongeBob's hand. It is as small as his fingers.] and your portions small. [The scene changes to show SpongeBob next to a mustard stain on a Krusty Krab wall. He licks it.] The stains of mustard on the wall. [The scene returns to SpongeBob, who is outside. The scene shows an angle that has the Krusty Krab sign be close in the shot and SpongeBob further away.] Oh Krusty Krab, oh Krusty Krab. Oh, how I love you, [He starts to bow.] Krusty Krab. [A bus stop is shown. Nat, Dale, Frankie Billy, and an anchovy are shown. They hear the song and walk to the Krusty Krab. Harold and Thaddeus are shown at the scene of an accident between their two boats. They are arguing with each other.] Oh Krusty Krab, oh Krusty Krab. [They stop disliking each other and walk to the Krusty Krab.] Oh, how I love ya, [Officer John is chasing a robber near the First Nautical Bank.] Krusty Krab. [Officer John catches the robber.] Oh Krusty Krab, [They hear the singing and stop.] oh [They start to become friends and skip to the Krusty Krab.] Krusty Krab. [The scene changes to show Nancy at her house with Timmy who is crying and won't eat the food she is trying to feed him.] Oh, how I [She hears the song and leaves. Blue Fred walks in as Timmy knocks over the bowl.] love you, Krusty Krab. ♪
[SpongeBob hums as more fish approach the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs sobs a bit]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, look.
Mr. Krabs: Me customers? They're coming back?! SpongeBob's dopey little song is bringing 'em back!
[He laughs. The customers join in on the humming. ]
SpongeBob: Oh, Krusty Krab, you've always been there for me. When I'm tired and hungry, I just reach out my hand, and there you are with a Krabby Patty that's all so hot and juicy. Are you with me, people?!
Crowd: Yeah!
SpongeBob: I said, are you with me, people?!
Crowd: Yeah!
SpongeBob: In that case, let's get some Krabby Patties!
[Inside the Krusty Krab, Plankton opens the kitchen door.]
Plankton: There's no one here. The Krusty Krab is empty. I've won! [He runs off screen and comes back with the secret formula.] The Krabby formula is mine. [He runs with it.] It took eleventy-seven years, but I got it! [He stops.] Oh no. [SpongeBob, followed by the customers, runs in.] No! [He is kicked, causing him to fly away. He screams. He hits a table then the wall, then the cash register boat, then one of the pillars, he roles until Dale kicks him, causing him to fly up and hit a pillar. Another customer kicks him into the pillar. Nancy kicks him into the pillar. Another customer kicks him into the pillar. He starts rolling] Oh, nuts.
[The scene shows Martha, Frankie Billy, and Bill at a table. Plankton rolls into the scene.]
SpongeBob: [While walking with a plate of Krabby Patties] Did somebody order a Krabby...? [SpongeBob starts slipping on the bottle.] Whoa! [SpongeBob screams. He tries to keep his balance he rolls off frame and all around the Krusty Krab until he reaches the table again.] Look out. Oh. Oh, coming through. Whoa. Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[SpongeBob regains his balance, the bottle goes rolling, and the plate lands on the table with the patties in tact.]
Martha, Frankie Billy, and Bill: Hooray!
Mr. Krabs: Ah, 'tis a beautiful sight. It warms me heart. [The bottle rolls into the scene. Mr. Krabs gasps.] Me Krabby Patty recipe! What's it [Mr. Krabs picks it up.] doin' out here? Whoa-ho! Shoulda known! Plankton.
Plankton: Hey Krabs. uh, happy eleventy-seventh?
[Mr. Krabs peels Plankton off the bottle.]
Mr. Krabs: It's launchin' time.
[Mr. Krabs take Plankton outside.]
Plankton: Please, Krabs, no! I can't take it anymore! No more launching, please?!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, all right. Since I'm such in a good mood, I'll go easy on you this time. [Mr. Krabs stretches Plankton. Plankton screams. Mr. Krabs blows Plankton up like a balloon. He then ties a string on him.] There. [He lets go of Plankton. He floats.] Happy landings, Plankton!
Plankton: You know, this isn't so bad. Everyone looks like little ants from up here! [He starts laughing evilly three times.] Wait. Help!
[The scene returns to Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Stay away from the high-tension wires! [Dave walks by.] Allow me to open the door for a valued customer.
Dave: Gee, thanks, mister. Today must be my lucky day. I found a wallet with 50 bucks in it.
Mr. Krabs: Wow, that's some coincidence 'cause I just lost one earlier today with 50 bu...! Hey! Wait a minute! Come back with me wallet, ya thieving bilge rat!
[SpongeBob is shown flipping patties.]
SpongeBob: Happy anniversary, Krusty Krab!
[He continues to work. The Krusty Krab is shown with cars in the parking lot. SpongeBob laughs. (Version 2 ends here) The scene changes to show the scene where Patchy is shot out of the whale is shown with the border from the beginning of the episode, but the scene with Patchy flying in the air is slowed down]
Ricky Gervais: Wow, Patchy sure made a mess of things, didn't he? He's not much of a pirate either, really, come to think of it. [A canon shot is shown.] That's the problem. [A drawing of Blackbeard is shown.] Not like Blackbeard. Whoa, now there was a pirate. [Footage of a Jolly Roger is shown.] Now Blackbeard [Footage of a ship shooting another ship is shown.] would have been able to get the real A-listers [Footage of pirates fighting is shown] on his TV special. [A different piece of footage of pirates fighting is shown.] Yeah, your Bruce Willises and your Gwyneth Paltrows [Footage of a sailor that looks like Popeye is shown.] and your Ricky Gervaises. [Footage of a monkey dressed like a sailor with giant shoes holding on to a tilted boat is shown] Let's not forget him. He's...brilliant. [A painting of a shanghaiing is shown.] He wouldn't even have to shanghai them. [Footage of a man on a rope is shown] They would have [An image of a pirate and Footage of a Jolly Roger is shown] shown up on set out of respect. [An image of a pirate captain about to hit another pirate with a bucket is shown.] and fear. [Footage of a ship shooting is shown] Back then, pirates were serious business. [Footage of a pirate balloon in a parade is shown.] Patchy's kinda [Footage of a sailor dancing around is shown] giving pirates a bad name, really, [Footage of a kid dressed like a pirate is shown.] if I'm being brutally honest. [Footage of a kid picking up gummy bears and putting them in his shirt pocket is shown.] Oh well, thanks for watching, kiddies. And we'll see you at the 20th anniversary. [Footage of a person flipping over an hourglass is shown.] That's 10 years from now. Starting now. [The footage fades to black, along with the whole screen, ending the episode. Squidward sings "Beautiful Dreamer" during the closing credits.]

Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

Truth or Square/transcript

Fan Feed