This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "My Two Krabses" from season 12, which aired on January 18, 2021.

• [The episode starts off at the Krusty Krab.]
• Squidward: Ah, it's finally my lunchtime. [picking up his lunch] My only respite from these cretins and all the slop they call food.
• Patrick: [laughs, eats his lunch, and burps it out] Hello!
• Squidward: [groans] Well, let's see what delectable treats I packed myself today.
• Mr. Krabs: Yoink! [Mr. Krabs grabs Squidward's treats] You know the rules, no outside food in me restaurant. [opens his office door] Oh, and, uh, Mr. Squidward, I've got a hot date tonight. So don't let no one bother me for the next few hours. I'm gonna be in the tanning bed, browning the leather. [spanks himself] [laughs and shuts the door]
• Patrick: Hello! 
• Squidward: [groans] 
• Mr. Krabs: Yeah... lemme see here. [pulls out a box of dried kelp strips] Hmm... dried kelp strips? Nah. [tosses the box and grabs a bottle of sea water] Reduced fat sea water? That's weird. [tosses the bottle and pulls out a strawberry ice cream sandwich] Jackpot! Ice cream sandwich!
• [Mr. Krabs tosses the bag, takes a bite from the ice cream sandwich, and opens the desk, revealing a tanner inside. He then spins the ice cream sandwich on his finger, then unzips and exits his shell. He puts on goggles and headphones, kicks the ice cream sandwich on the shell's finger, still spinning, and shell-less Mr. Krabs enters the tanner.]
• Mr. Krabs: Ooh, nice and toasty in here. [points to shell] I'll be back for you later.
• [Mr. Krabs closes his desk, and the sandwich falls on the shell. The ice cream starts to melt inside the shell. The scene cuts to SpongeBob, who opens the kitchen door.]
• SpongeBob: [singing] I got a Krabby Patty for my favorite Pat! A patty-pat, for my favorite Pat! [SpongeBob sets the Krabby Patty on the table] Here you go, Patrick.
• [Patrick eats the patty.]
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, mama, it's hot in here!
• Patrick: What was that?
• Mr. Krabs: [as rave music plays in the tanning bed] Oh, Neptune, I'm melting!
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs' air conditioning must be malfunctioning! He could be violently uncomfortable!
• [SpongeBob kicks the door to Mr. Krabs' office open, and he and Patrick run inside the office.]
• Squidward: [sarcastically] No, wait. Don't.
• SpongeBob: [screams as he sees Mr. Krabs' shell with melted ice cream] Mr. Krabs! Are you okay? [starts to cry] Oh, speak to me...
• [A shot of Mr. Krabs is shown dancing in the tanning bed]
• [SpongeBob cries]
• Patrick: This doesn't look good. [he grabs some of the melted ice cream] He melted all over the floor. [eats the melted ice cream] Hmm, strawberry! Poor guy.
• SpongeBob: [cries while he and Patrick take Mr. Krabs' shell to the cash register] Oh, Mr. Krabs! A tasty puddle... He's-he's-he's dead! [cries in the cash register, as Squidward takes a look at Mr. Krabs' shell]
• Squidward: [laughs] Oh, oh, look at that. And right before his big date tonight. What a shame.
• SpongeBob: A date? [A heart appears in the top of SpongeBob's hands] Oh, must love die meltily in my arms too? [the heart melts in SpongeBob's hands and he continues crying]
• Squidward: I guess he's just an empty shell of the man used to be. [snickers]
• SpongeBob: [stops crying] Hey, Squidward, you're right! Only Mr. Krabs' insides melted, his shell is fine! Maybe if we fill this back up with organs, he'll be okay.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick runs off with Mr. Krabs' shell.]
• Squidward: Say what now?
• [The scene cuts to the Chum Bucket.]
• SpongeBob: Plankton!
• Plankton: I didn't do it!
• SpongeBob: We would like to purchase one large drum of chum, please.
• Patrick: Extra organ-y.
• Plankton: Say what? How do I know this isn't a plot to steal my secret chum formula? [a brief short pause occurs, and after that, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Plankton all laugh, and SpongeBob gives Plankton some money, and he takes it.] Yoink! [Karen takes out the Drum of Chum through the door.] Enjoy your chum drum. Yum, yum!
• SpongeBob: Thanks, Plankton! Love you!
• [Bubble transition to the inside of SpongeBob's house.]
• SpongeBob: Well, alright. Let's put some [kicks his foot] kick back in this crab!
• [SpongeBob takes off the lid of the drum with his foot, and while he holds Mr. Krabs' shell mouth open, Patrick grabs the chum drum and tries to put it in but makes a mess all over the walls and the floor, then, he puts it in his mouth, and pushes it in, which it doesn't work, so Patrick kicks it.]
• SpongeBob: Hmm, we're still missing something... [he gets an idea and snaps his fingers] Oh! [SpongeBob takes off his shoes and starts rubbing his socks on the floor to produce electricity.] A little zaparooni ought to do it. The spark of life! Doot! [SpongeBob points at Mr. Krabs' shell with chum and zaps it. And soon, the chum from the chum drum starts to fill all around the shell, creating a creature] He's alive! He's alive! Oh, he's alive!
• [Patrick and SpongeBob walk up to Chum Krabs, and Patrick looks very closely at him with his one big eye.]
• Patrick: Mr. Krabs seems... kind of dumb now.
• SpongeBob: Well Patrick, he has had a rough day. We'll just have to remind him of everything that makes him him again. [slaps Chum Krabs on the shoulder] Don't you worry, Mr. K. We'll have you right back up to speed before your big date tonight, I promise.
• Chum Krabs: [mumbles]
• [Bubble transition back to Mr. Krabs in the tanner at the Krusty Krab. A pop-up thermometer comes out of Mr. Krabs' side, indicating he's done.]
• Mr. Krabs: Ooh, I'm done. [Mr. Krabs opens the tanner and feels around for his shell, but it is not there so he pops out.] Oh, where'd me shell go? I'm never that careless with me carapace. [watch beeps] Oh no, I'm running late! Just have to grab me spare suit from home. [He peers out of the door and sees the restaurant is packed.] Let's see, if I time this right, no one'll notice me ol' naked nethers. [He jumps behind the customers and stays out of sight behind a baby carrier. The baby begins to cry, and the mother takes it out, and then he hides behind Bubble Bass. He successfully makes it outside, looks around, and hides behind the signpost. Then he runs off, hiding behind buildings.]
• [Bubble transition back to SpongeBob's house where he and Patrick are sitting at a table with Chum Krabs and a Pearl mannequin. On the table sits a pile of money and a plate of cookies.]
• SpongeBob: Okay, Mr. Krabs, this is your final test. What do you like more: money or cookies?
• [Chum Krabs begins to point.]
• Patrick: Don't say cookies, don't say cookies, don't say cookies.
• [Chum Krabs points to the money, which makes SpongeBob and Patrick smile.]
• Chum Krabs: Money.
• SpongeBob: Right! You're all ready for your date with Mrs. Puff!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick, who ate all the cookies, cheer "Hooray!", while Chum Krabs makes babbling noises. The next scene shows the real Mr. Krabs, still without his shell, going back into his house, trying to make sure no one sees him as he does so.]
• Mr. Krabs: Haha! I made it! [suddenly, the lights turn on]
• Pearl: Ew, Daddy! [Pearl's friends are having a slumber party.] You're naked and ruining my cheerleader's slumber party! [Pearl covers her eyes, as Mr. Krabs screams and tries to cover himself]
• Pearl's friends: [cheerleading] Hey, hey, hey, Mr. K! We don't want to see your booty today!
• [Mr. Krabs screams and runs upstairs and looks for something to wear.]
• Mr. Krabs: Okay, I know that spare is in here somewhere. [he rummages through his wardrobes and finds a shirt] Aha! [the shirt is too small] Ew, haven't worn this one in a while. Eh, well it'll just have to do. I'm coming, me precious Puff! [runs out the door, only to be spotted by Pearl and her friends again, who scream]
• Pearl: Daddy!
• [The next scene shows SpongeBob and Patrick bringing Chum Krabs to Mrs. Puff's house.]
• SpongeBob: Okay, Mr. Krabs, here we are. Just remember everything we practiced and your date will go just fine. Good luck!
• Patrick: Yeah, don't blow it!
• [SpongeBob rings the doorbell, and he and Patrick hide behind a rock. Inside, Mrs. Puff is looking at herself in a mirror.]
• Mrs. Puff: Oh! Is that you, Eugene?
• Chum Krabs: Y…
• SpongeBob: [whispering] Yes!
• Chum Krabs: Yes!
• Mrs. Puff: Well, [looks at her watch] you're right on time for once! What a treat!
• Chum Krabs: Yes.
• Mrs. Puff: [laughs] And so agreeable tonight! [they begin to walk off]
• Chum Krabs: Yes.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick jump out from behind the rock.]
• SpongeBob: [with a tear in his eye] Oh, Patrick, Mr. Krabs may be the one we brought back to life, but it's love we saved tonight. [he and Patrick grab onto the back of their boatmobile, as the real Mr. Krabs runs to Mrs. Puff's house, panicking. He starts banging on the door.]
• Mr. Krabs: Puff! Puff! You in there? I'm sorry I'm late for our date! [the door falls off, as Mr. Krabs gasps] Empty! She must be waiting for me at the restaurant! [gasps] I hope she's waiting for me. [runs] Puff!
• [The next scene shows the Fancy! restaurant, with Mrs. Puff and Chum Krabs sitting together.]
• Mrs. Puff: [sighs] You know, there's something different about you tonight, Eugene. You've been such a good listener. [Chum Krabs sits there, not saying anything.] And that manly new musk you're wearing. [sniffs] Oh, my!
• Chum Krabs: [emits odor, and a foghorn sounds. He smells it too.] Chum.
• Mrs. Puff: [laughs] I think we're way past being chums, Eugene. [she kisses Chum Krabs, as SpongeBob and Patrick watch.]
• SpongeBob: Ooh, Patrick, their date is going great!
• Fancy fish: [appearing behind SpongeBob as he speaks] I say, do you mind?
• [Mr. Krabs runs up to the restaurant.]
• Mr. Krabs: [breathing heavily] Don't worry! I'm here, me puffy princess! [he looks inside and sees Mrs. Puff and Chum Krabs having a good time] What?! Who is that clown clawing at me woman?! [he jumps onto the glass, burning it, and he slides through, crushing the table] What in Davy Jones' gym locker is going on here?!
• SpongeBob: [still watching] Who was that?
• Patrick: I don't know, but we'd better stop him before he ruins everything!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick jump onto the table, crashing it, and taking Mr. Krabs out.]
• SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs! Sorry, Mrs. Puff! Enjoy the rest of your date! [SpongeBob and Patrick throw the real Mr. Krabs out]
• Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, boy-o? It's me, Mr. Krabs! Your lovesick employer-er!
• SpongeBob: Lovesick employer? Clever imposter, you mean!
• Squidward: [walks past, notices Mr. Krabs, and laughs] That's the real Mr. Krabs, you idiots! [laughs] Oh, and Eugene, your teenage self called. He wants his prom tux back! [pokes Mr. Krabs, laughs, and walks off]
• [Mr. Krabs is angry.]
• SpongeBob: Sorry, sir! We thought you had melted, and so we brought you back to life in chum. [laughs] Anybody would have done the same thing.
• Mr. Krabs: [stutters] Melted? Chum? What are you going on about, boy-o?
• [Mrs. Puff and Chum Krabs walk out of the restaurant together. Mrs. Puff laughs, as Chum Krabs talks gibberish. When Mr. Krabs sees this, he pushes SpongeBob and Patrick out of the way.]
• Mr. Krabs: [to Chum Krabs] Get your mitts of me gal, bucko! [attempts to punch Chum Krabs]
• Mrs. Puff: Ooh! You're not going to take that from a stranger, are you, Eugene? Fight for my love! [she pushes Chum Krabs, and he and the real Mr. Krabs get into a fight, as SpongeBob and Patrick try to stop them]
• SpongeBob: Stop! This is all a big misunderstanding- [Mr. Krabs punches SpongeBob and Patrick, as they fall, and Chum Krabs gets up and releases chum in his mouth, and beats Mr. Krabs in the head, and starts to beat him up more, and pokes his eyes]
• Mr. Krabs: Hey!
• [Mr. Krabs gets his claws out, and attempts to cut Chum Krabs' chum, but more comes out. Chum Krabs swallows them, and they bump into each other, as the chum in Mr. Krabs' shell comes out, and picks up Mr. Krabs, and starts to move him around.]
• Mr. Krabs: [groans] I lost the fight and me Puff. [Chum Krabs is still picking up Mr. Krabs, before he melts, and Mr. Krabs falls down] I win! Well, kind of. [falls, exhausted]
• Mrs. Puff: [putting Mr. Krabs back in his shell] Sorry, Eugene. I guess I couldn't see past your handsome exterior. [zips up the shell]
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, baby. It's okay. [wipes some chum off his shell] Sure hope I can get this stink out of me shell. [chuckles]
• Mrs. Puff: [walks off with Mr. Krabs] I like it! [SpongeBob attempts to clean up chum from the ground, and puts it in a bucket.]
• SpongeBob: Sorry about the mix-up, Chummy. You may not be Mr. Krabs, but you can still be our friend!
• Chum Krabs: Friends. [hugs SpongeBob and Patrick, as the three of them laugh, before being sucked into the bucket of chum, which the camera irises out on, ending the episode.]