This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Grandma's Kisses" from season 2, which aired on April 28, 2001.

• [SpongeBob is standing on a hill looking at his grandma's house]
• SpongeBob: There it is! Grandma's house! What wonders await me today? Fresh-baked cookies? Story time? A sweater with love in every stitch? Aw, what am I waiting for? [runs down the hill] Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!
• Grandma SquarePants: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Hi, Grandma! [hugs her as the two walk into the kitchen]
• Grandma: Come in and sit for a while. [gives SpongeBob a plate of cookies] Have a cookie, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Grandma, you make the best cookies in the deep blue sea. [grabs a cookie and dips it in a glass of milk] Oh yeah... [eats it. His eyes turn into cookies] Grandma's cookies...
• Grandma: Now, who wants to lick the spoon? [SpongeBob raises his hand]
• SpongeBob: Me, me, me! [cut to Grandma telling SpongeBob a story while he licks the spoon]
• Grandma: ...and then we drove all the way home with all the windows down in the freezing cold.
• SpongeBob: Tell me another story about when I was a baby. [cuckoo clock strikes three. SpongeBob gasps] Three o'clock? I'm gonna be late for work!
• Grandma: Hop in my car, I'll drop you off. [cut to Grandma driving up to the Krusty Krab]
• SpongeBob: Thanks, Grandma! [hops out of the car]
• Grandma: SpongeBob, you forgot your kissy-kissy! [SpongeBob turns around and heads back to Grandma. Squidward is watching from the window while polishing from inside]
• SpongeBob: I sure did. [Grandma gives him a kiss, leaving a pink print on his forehead of her lips] Bye, Grandma, thanks for the ride. [Squidward opens the door for SpongeBob] Thank you, Squidward. [walks inside while whistling to some laughing from everyone] Isn't this great? Everybody's in a good mood today.
• Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob, but they're laughing at you, not with you.
• SpongeBob: Did I do something funny?
• Squidward: Your forehead. [points to the kiss]
• SpongeBob: My forehead is funny?
• Charlie: Hey, hey, Grandma's boy? Kissy-kissy-kissy! [everyone laughs]
• SpongeBob: No, you're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma.
• Charlie: No, especially if you're a big baby who wears diapers! [everyone laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... [soon, everyone stops laughing] ...wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... binky around, and...
• Customers: All right already!
• Squidward: Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.
• SpongeBob: Really? You do, Squidward?
• Squidward: Yeah, your grandma! [everyone laughs. SpongeBob tries getting the kiss off with his hand and a mop but nothing seems to work. Everyone is still laughing at him]
• All: [laughing at SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: [yelling] Stop it! [everyone stops] I have been publicly humiliated for the last time! [runs home crying. Bubble transitions to SpongeBob's house]
• Patrick: I'm sorry that happened to you, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Me, too.
• Patrick: You're the most adult person I know.
• SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick.
• Patrick: You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.
• SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick.
• Patrick: Have I ever not been right? [cut to a picture of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, a picture of SpongeBob with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.
• SpongeBob: Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
• Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob obediently puffs out his chest] Now say, "tax exemption!"
• SpongeBob: "Tax exemption!"
• Patrick: Now, you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz. [jazz music plays] ...Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready! [cut to both walking up on the hill facing Grandma's house] This is it. What are you gonna tell Grandma?
• SpongeBob: I'm a grown up!
• Patrick: No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
• SpongeBob: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
• Patrick: And then you get behind her and I'll push!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, we didn't say that.
• Patrick: Oh yeah, right.
• SpongeBob: All we need now is the icing on the maturity cake. [takes out a suitcase] I've been growing these babies for years... [opens it to reveal fake sideburns. Both of them take a pair and put them on]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Sideburns! [SpongeBob knocks on Grandma's door]
• Grandma: [opens door] Oh, hello, SpongeBob. What a nice surprise. Come here and give your Granny her kissy-kissy. [as she is about to kiss him, SpongeBob puts on a helmet to block it]
• SpongeBob: [removes his "Kisses Not Allowed" helmet off his head] Sorry, grandmother, but the kissing has to stop.
• Patrick: Tell her like it is, SpongeBob, no more baby stuff.
• SpongeBob: He is right, Grandmother. Kisses are for babies, which I am no longer. I have grown up. It is nature's way.
• Grandma: Oh, you are absolutely right.
• SpongeBob: I am? I mean, of course I am.
• Grandma: You will definitely not be treated like a baby around here ever again.
• SpongeBob: I am glad you see it my way, grandmother. [puts on a hat]
• Grandma: Well, I'm glad that's settled. [holds out a tray of cookies] But what am I going to do with all these fresh baked cookies?
• SpongeBob: [chuckles] Sorry, grandmother, we adults don't partake in the consumption of sweets, right, Pat... [notices Patrick isn't there] ...rick? [cut to Patrick sitting at the kitchen table]
• Patrick: Keep 'em coming, Granny! [scarfs down the cookies as SpongeBob watches from a window]
• SpongeBob: So much for no more baby stuff.
• Grandma: And don't forget the cookie-eating hat! [puts a red hat with springs attached to yellow smiley faces on top of Patrick's head. They both laugh]
• SpongeBob: Hey, that's my cookie-eating hat! I mean it was when I was a baby. [growls in frustration; then knocks on the door. His Grandma opens it]
• Grandma: Well, look who's here. It's my big old adult grandson.
• SpongeBob: Grandmother, I need to have a mature conversation with Mr. Patrick. [runs up to Patrick, who still eats his snack] [whispering loudly] Patrick! What are you doing?! Cookies?! Warm milk?! A bib?! [points to it, which reads "I heart Grandma"] Is that a kissy mark on your forehead?! We are supposed to be adults! [bangs on the table]
• Grandma: Oh, oh, no roughhousing with a full tummy. [tickles Patrick] Who's the baby?
• Patrick: I'm the baby, I'm the baby, I'm the baby! [SpongeBob clears his throat] Being grown up is boring. I love being a baby. Besides, I don't get jazz.
• SpongeBob: [chuckles] Poor Patrick. I almost feel sorry for you. [takes out a pipe and blows bubbles from it] Trapped in the awkward phase of diaper days... never to know the rich rewards of being a grownup. [Grandma comes back with more cookies]
• Grandma: Here's a fresh batch of cookies.
• Patrick: All right! [eats them] Rewards, huh?
• SpongeBob: Well, yeah, there's, eh... [sees Patrick eating cookies with his mouth open] well, let's see, we... [a cookie rolls over to his side] We went over the jazz... [Patrick grabs the cookie and eats it]
• Patrick: Oh, Grandma, I'm full. [Grandma sets down another plate of cookies]
• Grandma: More cookies! [Patrick uses his mouth like a vacuum and eats all the cookies. One of the cookies rolls over by SpongeBob's side. He whistles for a brief second, then checks his wristwatch]
• SpongeBob: It appears to be my lunch hour. Grownups have to eat to. I guess this will have to do. [Grandma takes the cookie away]
• Grandma: Oh, you don't want this baby food. How about a big piece of steamed coral? [gives him the coral]
• SpongeBob: Oh yeah, uh... great. [takes a couple bites of it] Nutritious.
• Grandma: Storytime! [Patrick runs to Grandma]
• Patrick: Oh, boy! Storytime, storytime, storytime!
• SpongeBob: Storytime? [Patrick is sitting on Grandma's lap, ready to hear a story]
• Grandma: You'll enjoy this, Patrick. It's a wonderful story about a magical sea leprechaun. [SpongeBob walks in] Oh, SpongeBob, you wouldn't be interested in this baby book. [drops a giant book on the floor] Here's the technical manual on routine active maintenance.
• SpongeBob: Oh, uh... great. Yeah. [opens the book] Fascinating. No pictures, just the way I like it. [while eating a cookie, Patrick accidentally bites his finger leaving a big red bruise]
• Patrick: [acting like a 1- or 2-year old toddler] D'oh! My wittle finger! [cries]
• Grandma: Hold still, hold still. [kisses his finger] All better?
• Patrick: [talking normally] Sorta.... [holds up his other finger] this finger hurts a little bit too. [SpongeBob is miffed at what he sees then covers himself with the book he was reading]
• Grandma: How about I give you a present? [SpongeBob then uncovers himself and sees Patrick with the present]
• Patrick: Oh, boy, I hope it's cookies! [opens up the box, then the box cover lands on SpongeBob's head to find a sweater, but puts it on his head] Alright! Another hat!
• Grandma: No, Patrick, it's a sweater.
• SpongeBob: [removes the box cover from his head] Huh?
• Grandma: With love in every stitch.
• SpongeBob: No... [imagines himself in the sweater instead of Patrick. The sweater tears in half] Don't I get a present, Grandma?
• Grandma: Oh, I almost forgot. [hands him a bundle of office supplies] Here's some office supplies. I didn't wrap them. I knew you wouldn't mind. [cuckoo clock strikes three again] Uh-oh, three o'clock, time for adults to go to work. Bye-bye, SpongeBob.
• [Patrick finally gets the sweater on]
• Grandma: I'll bet you'd fancy a nap, huh, Patrick? [Patrick yawns] You still here, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work.
• Grandma: [puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch] No, no, no, that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.
• SpongeBob: Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, uh, I'll see ya later.
• Grandma: Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Yep, that is it. Here I go.
• Grandma: Come again if you get the chance.
• SpongeBob: [opens the door] Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater.
• Grandma: Toodleloo.
• SpongeBob: I don't know when I'll be back.
• Grandma: I know how busy you are.
• SpongeBob: So, uh... that's it. [Patrick is sleeping]
• Grandma: Shh, he's asleep.
• SpongeBob: [slowly closes the door] Soooo loooong... [closes it but then slams it open with sad eyes and gets irritated, embarrassed and annoyed. His sideburns fall off of his head. He starts throwing a big tantrum] I don't wanna grow up! [holds up a giant chocolate chip cookie and snaps it in half in front of his face] I want cookies! [holds up a giant baby bottle with milk inside] And milky! [wears a sweater in love with hearts] I want a sweater with love in the stitches! [runs around wearing a diaper with a blue pin on it as he's putting baby powder in it] I wanna wear didies! [rides in a wagon] I wanna ride in my wagon! [holds his giant teddy bear] I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins! [rides his old rocking horse with a sailor hat on and a lollipop] I wanna rocky-rock on my seahorsey! [holds up his bruised finger] And I want a kissy-kissy on my boo-boo! [crying and falls the floor, slamming his fists on the floor. He then rolls like a wheel and munching over baby stuff. Grandma is shocked and sad for him. SpongeBob, sitting, sprays his tears in his mouth. Grandma thinks for a second. SpongeBob continues crying hysterically, now crying and hyperventilating as he ratchets like a lawn sprinkler and almost spinning around and sprays tears everywhere. He spins even faster and floods the whole house in SpongeBob's tears for baby stuff]
• Grandma: Take it easy, SpongeBob. [picks up the still-crying SpongeBob for baby stuff.] SpongeBob. SpongeBob! [SpongeBob continues crying and hyperventilating until Grandma stops him by holding his lips] You don't have to be a baby to get ol' Grandma's love.
• SpongeBob: [sniffles as he starts to feel a bit better] I don't?
• Grandma: Of course not. [pulls the plug under SpongeBob's tear flood to drain it, he stops crying over baby stuff] No matter how grown-up you get, you'll always be my little baby boo. [Grandma tickles SpongeBob, then kisses his forehead] And remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. [hands SpongeBob his sideburns and a chocolate chip cookie] Here you go. [SpongeBob puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie]
• SpongeBob: Thanks, Grandma. [bites the cookie] Uh, Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab?
• Grandma: No problem. [hugs SpongeBob. Outside, Squidward and everyone else are laughing]