This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Barnacle Face" from season 8, which aired on September 16, 2011.

• [The episode begins at Bikini Bottom High School. A teenage fish walking past gets a doughnut thrown on him. Two teenage fish nearby laugh, and one of them spits at the other out of a straw. Another teenage male fish with headphones attempts to say hi to two teenage female fish who pass him while chatting but they only remove his headphones and drops them on the floor and walk off. A teen bully fish does a wedgie to a teenage nerdy fish who screams but the nerdy fish twists his nipple really hard causing him to run off crying. While all this is happening, Pearl and her friend are sitting down on a bench talking]
• Pearl: Boy, do I love high school. [small laugh.] You know what? Someday we're gonna remember all this, and we're gonna look back and say... Remember?
• Pearl's friend: [laughing] Speaking of remembering, you didn't forget the Bikini Bottom High School Dance is tomorrow night, did you?
• Pearl: [Joyfully] Of course I didn't forget. I'm so excited.
• Pearl's friend: [laughs] Me, too!
• [They both laugh until Pearl's friend stops in shock]
• Pearl's friend: [In horror] Barnacle.
• Pearl: What?!
• Pearl's friend: Pearl, I'm gonna say this as tactfully as possible. [pointing] There is a hideous barnacle growing out of the side of your face.
• Pearl: [Shocked] Where?!
• [Her friend moves her face so she can see it]
• Pearl's friend: There.
• [Pearl notices the barnacle growing and starts screaming so loudly that it causes an earthquake.]
• Pearl's friend: Pearl, it's not really bad as-
• [She screams again. Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is whistling while mopping the floors]
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: [stops mopping] Yes, Mr. Krabs?
• Mr. Krabs: Didn't you already mop this area?
• SpongeBob: [laughs] Affirmative, captain.
• Mr. Krabs: Well, then, why would you mop it again?
• SpongeBob: Why wouldn't I? [there is a pause]
• Mr. Krabs: Good point.
• [Pearl enters the Krusty Krab in tears]
• Mr. Krabs: Pearl, what brings you in on such a fine afternoon?
• Pearl: Oh, Daddy, it's terrible! The school dance is this weekend.
• Mr. Krabs: Oooh, that is terrible. [he shivers] Makes my shell crawl just thinking about it. Bleugh!
• Pearl: No, daddy! Don't you understand?! The terrible part is that I can't go to the dance!
• Mr. Krabs: [comes closer] Why ever not?
• Pearl: Because I have a hideous barnacle growing on the side of my face!
• Mr. Krabs: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Now, calm down there, my little Pearl. I'm sure it can't be half as awful as you... [pus is shown oozing out of the barnacle; Krabs screams] Great rusty hinges of Davy Jones' Locker!
• Pearl: We have to get rid of it, no matter what it takes!
• Mr. Krabs: Anything for me beloved angel.
• Pearl: Oh, okay. I need an appointment with a dermatologist, a trip to the spa, expensive creams and lotions, and probably some other kind of... [Krabs stops her, angrily]
• Mr. Krabs: I meant whatever you need to get rid of your blemish, not liquidate me retirement fund! [this causes Pearl to cry again, soaking a table Harold and Nat are having lunch at]
• Harold: You know what? Let's go across the street to the Chum Bucket.
• Nat: I heard they have better weather over there. [They leave the Krusty Krab]
• Mr. Krabs: [chases after them but fails] No! Wait! [Pearl continues to wail] This is starting to eat away me profit margin. If I don't come up with a solution fast, it's gonna cost me more than a couple cases of cold cream. [He notices SpongeBob mopping past him]
• SpongeBob: [singing]: La, la, la! La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, SpongeBob. [SpongeBob stops] How would you like to... [He salutes] At ease. [SpongeBob drops his hand] How would you like to do your dear old chum a favor, and rid his beautiful daughter, of her evil barnacles?
• SpongeBob: I will do you this favor, sir chum, never fear.
• [bubble transition to Pearl walking with SpongeBob]
• Pearl: I don't know, SpongeBob. The school dance is right around the corner, and this barnacle seems to be getting bigger by the minute!
• SpongeBob: Oh, ho, ho, trust me, Pearl. We'll get rid of that thing in no time. I know just what to do.
• Pearl: Are you sure?
• SpongeBob: One time, my friend Patrick, he had this barnacle the size of an extra large Krabby Patty, right at the center of his forehead! Anyway, I fixed it so we never saw that barnacle again.
• Pearl: How?
• SpongeBob: I took him to see a hypnotist.
• Pearl: You took Patrick to a hypnotist?
• SpongeBob: Uh-uh, the barnacle. It became convinced it was a pelican, and flew south for the winter. We never saw that pelican again.
• Pearl: I thought you said it was a barnacle.
• SpongeBob: What did I say?
• Pearl: Pelican.
• SpongeBob: [pauses for a second] He was a really good hypnotist.
• [bubble transition to Pearl's room]
• SpongeBob: Now just remain calm, and this'll be over before you know it.
• Pearl: You're really gonna use hypnosis to get rid of the... barnacle?
• SpongeBob: [laughing] Hypnosis? No! I'm just going to fry it off with my spatula. [aims spatula at the barnacle] Hold still now. [hits the barnacle] [grunting while trying to remove the barnacle until a scrap sound is heard]
• Pearl: Is everything okay?
• SpongeBob: [shows broken spatula] I don't think the spatula is going to work. [Brings in a shovel] This ol' weather beaten shovel ought-a do it. [hits the barnacle]
• Pearl: Did it come off?
• SpongeBob: [the shovel is stuck in his head] Gettin' there.
• [Next, SpongeBob tries removing the barnacle with a jackhammer.]
• Pearl: SpongeBob, how much longer?
• SpongeBob: Oh... shouldn't be too much longer. [the jackhammer disintegrates] Actually, we could take a break now if you want.
• Pearl: Good idea. I gotta go scrub my face now with soap and water.
• SpongeBob: Okay. [he throws the jackhammer aside, which lands in a pile of other broken tools]
• [In the bathroom, Pearl is putting some soap on a towel and scrubbing it on her barnacle. She suddenly screams and SpongeBob hears it]
• SpongeBob: [walks into the bathroom] Pearl! [Pearl is seen with soap covering her face] Pearl, what happened?
• Pearl: There's more! [the soap slides off her face, exposing lots of barnacles everywhere]
• SpongeBob: [shrieks] I mean, you're right. There are more.
• Pearl: [puzzled] All I did was wash with soap and water!
• SpongeBob: [examines the soap] Hmm... Water and... this soap?
• Pearl: Yes, but why?
• SpongeBob: [sniffs the bar of soap] Because this soap smells so wonderful! That's why. Hmm, I know this fragrance from somewhere. [keeps sniffing the soap] Oh, I'm sorry, did you want a whiff?
• Pearl: No.
• SpongeBob: [continues sniffing] More for me!
• [we cut to the living room, where Pearl is seen with her face smothered in concealing cream.]
• SpongeBob: [holding the jar of cream] Ok, Pearl. [Pearl tries to say something, but mumbles due to how much concealing cream SpongeBob putted on her face.] No, I think one jar of concealing cream is enough. And don't worry, Pearl, nobody will notice a thing. [Mr. Krabs enters the house with the groceries]
• Mr. Krabs: [whistling] Pearl, I'm home! [screams loudly]
• SpongeBob: Something wrong, Mr. Krabs?
• Mr. Krabs: For a second there, I thought a towering, hideous, mind-boggling abomination was standing here, staring at me in my own living room, but then I realized... [sweetly] it's only my old, beloved daughter, Pearl. [Pearl mumbles again] Oh, Pearl. No, no, no, no expensive trips to the spa. But don't worry, SpongeBob here will take care of it. Oh, if you two will excuse me, I've got some important matters to take care of. [Mr. Krabs walks over to a safe full of diamonds and jumps in] Me jewels!
• [later, Pearl is in the bathroom crying again]
• SpongeBob: Pearl? [knocks on the bathroom door] Pearl, you've been in the bathroom crying for three hours now. You can't stay in there forever.
• Pearl: [from inside] I'm not going to the dance!
• SpongeBob: Alright, I'm coming in. [opens the door, which causes a flood of tears to gush out into the hallway. SpongeBob swims against the current and makes it in] Look at the bright side, Pearl. At least you can still play the piano.
• Pearl: What could do that to me?
• SpongeBob: I have no idea. [Pearl bawls] Don't worry, Pearl. I'll fix your problem.
• Pearl: How?
• SpongeBob: Well, I'm sure if I'll think hard enough, something will pop up. [something DOES pop up, and it's more barnacles] Oops, I didn't mean it like that. [sees the bar of soap and picks it up] Hey, it's that delicious-smelling soap again. [starts sniffing the soap again]
• Pearl: [snatches it away] Would you stop smelling my soap?! Why won't you go make yourself useful and, get me another bar of it? [starts scrubbing her face]
• SpongeBob: Okay. Where do you keep your soap?
• Pearl: In the basement. Duh, where else? [scrubs her face more]
• [Torch in hand, SpongeBob is entering the darkened basement when he hears a strange noise]
• SpongeBob: [echoes] Hello? [SpongeBob jumps when he hears the echo, but keeps going until he hears another noise and turns around] Something there? Pearl? [His torch goes out, making it completely dark. SpongeBob sees a door opening and goes through it to find Mr. Krabs, trying to pull a stuck handle] Oh, Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: Don't just stand there, boy! Come help me with this! [they both pull at the handle until it moves] There we go. Sometimes it just gets a little stuck.
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what is this thing?
• Mr. Krabs: Why, it's my old soap press.
• SpongeBob: Soap press?
• Mr. Krabs: That's right. All the soap Pearl and I use comes from this machine. And the best part is, she runs on 100% pure leftover Krabby Patties.
• SpongeBob: Leftover Krabby Patties?
• Mr. Krabs: [tosses a Krabby Patty into the machine] Their precious essences are harvested, and after a brief cooling process, tumble out this conveyor belt as fresh, wonderful bars of soap. [the new soap falls off the conveyor belt into a basket] Fresh and invigorating! Plus, it's absolutely free.
• SpongeBob: [picks up one of the soap bars and sniffs it] Oh, that explains why it smells so familiar. Hey, I don't know about this, Mr. Krabs. If Pearl finds out that you--
• Pearl: [lividly] I've... been using soap... made out of Krabby Patties?!
• Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patty essence.
• Pearl: That's grease!
• Mr. Krabs: Well, if you wanna split hairs, I suppose--
• Pearl: [furiously] Daddy! [throws soap at her father]
• Mr. Krabs: [runs away in fear] Gotta go, you kids have fun.
• Pearl: [bursts into tears and rubs her eyes making squeaky sounds] I'm never gonna be able to get these barnacles off! My young life is ruined forever.
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Pearl. I said I was not going to let Mr. Krabs down, and I'm not going to. What do you think of that?
• Pearl: [wails] The Bikini Bottom High School Dance was supposed to be my chance to sparkle, my-
• SpongeBob: Wait a minute, Pearl! Say that again.
• Pearl: Okay. The Bikini Bottom High School Dance was supposed to be my chance to sparkle.
• SpongeBob: Okay, okay, you can stop. I think I have an idea...
• [cut to SpongeBob on a ladder and Pearl beside him in her room]
• Pearl: Are you done yet?
• SpongeBob: [climbs down the ladder] All set! Close your eyes, and get ready to sparkle! One, two, three! [turns Pearl's chair to face the mirror. Pearl has blue diamonds on her face to hide her barnacles] Ta-dah! What do you think?
• Pearl: I... I don't know, SpongeBob. Uh... what would my friends say?
• SpongeBob: [walks her to the living room] We shall see fourth-way.
• Pearl: Are you sure?
• SpongeBob: [opens the front door] Shh. Trust me.
• [Three of Pearl's friends, a green fish, a blue fish, and a pink-orange fish, enter the house]
• Blue fish: Pearl, we're here to pick you up at the-- Wow! Pearl, you look amazing!
• Pearl: I do?
• Blue fish: Well, now, actually, not amazing. Sparkly, and shiny, and amazing!
• Pearl: Whee! To the Bikini Bottom High School Dance!
• Pearl and her friends: [laughing] Let's go! [they run out of the house, and SpongeBob shuts the door behind them]
• SpongeBob: Have a good time, carefree teens.
• Mr. Krabs: [screams and exits his jewel safe] Me jewels! SpongeBob, me entire collection of precious jewels is gone! Have you seen it?
• SpongeBob: Of course. Pearl's wearing it to the Bikini Bottom High School Dance.
• Mr. Krabs: Help! Police! Thief! [runs out of the house, running through the door] Stop that whale!
• SpongeBob: I promised Mr. Krabs I wouldn't let him down, and I have partially fulfilled that promise.