Monk (season 7)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | Main

Monk (2002–2009) is a television comedy drama created by Andy Breckman about Adrian Monk, a former detective, and now consultant, for the San Francisco Police Department who suffers from a number of psychological disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and several phobias.

Mr. Monk Buys a House

[In Dr. Bell's waiting room]

Natalie: I can't believe you bought a house without telling me!

Monk: You would've said no.

Natalie: Let's see what Dr. Bell has to say.

Monk: Why should I care what this clown thinks?

Natalie: He's a therapist! He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.

Monk: [glances at the analogue clock, which reads 10:59 AM] One minute now. If he's late, we're leaving.

Natalie: [spotting the doctor's certificate on the wall] Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-E-V-E-N! It's a palindrome! That's a good sign!

Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.

Natalie: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.

Monk: It was to me!

[At the exact moment that the second hand reaches the top and the analogue clock says 11:00, Dr. Bell comes out of the office]

Dr. Neven Bell: Mr. Monk. [shakes hands with Monk] Neven Bell. I've been looking forward to this. [After releasing Monk's hand, Dr. Bell produces a wipe from a package of Wet Ones] Wipe. [Monk turns to Natalie, who gives a thumbs up. Cuts to Monk sitting in Dr. Bell's office]

...

Dr. Neven Bell: Why haven't you been sleeping?

Monk: Heh, no big mystery. There's this girl across the street who plays the same song. [imitates a section of Prelude in A Major] It doesn't matter, I'm out of there; I just bought a house.

Dr. Neven Bell: Well congratulations. So when did it start, the piano playing?

Monk: I don't know. About a year ago.

Dr. Neven Bell: Hmmmm, but it's only been bothering you for what, five weeks?

Monk: How did you know that?

Dr. Neven Bell: Well the girl's been practicing for over a year, and it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.

Monk: No. No. No. No. No. [He continues saying "no" as Dr. Bell speaks]

Dr. Neven Bell: The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin; he played in his waiting room all the time. Maybe the music is reminding you of-of your friend, and it's been affecting you.

[Monk shows Natalie around the house. They come down the stairs and then head down the hall towards the ground bathroom]

Adrian Monk: And.... here is another bathroom; for a total of [flicks on the light switch] two bathrooms. That is a claw-footed bathtub, which is something I've always wanted.

Natalie: [laughs] It is?

Monk: Yeah. I just didn't know it. [Natalie runs her hand along the wall as they walk back towards the foyer]

Natalie: Oh, I love all the woodwork!

Monk: Hey, don't touch that.

Natalie: What, wet paint?

Monk: No, just don't touch it. Another wall, hallway, more walls, another wall, and we're back in the living room.

Natalie: I can't believe it! You actually did it!

Monk: Uh, that's a new rug. Don't just stand on it. You have to keep moving.

Natalie: Moving?

Monk: So it doesn't wear out in one place. [Natalie starts stepping from side to side]

Natalie: Oh, you mean like this?

Monk: Maybe wider circles.

Natalie: Okay I'm just gonna stand over here. [She walks back to the foyer]

Monk: So, whaddaya think? [Monk sits down in the other room]

Natalie: I like it. I do! I think you're gonna be really hap... You're gonna be...

Monk: Happy!

Natalie: Happy.

Monk: I already am. I should've done this years ago.

Natalie: And you don't miss your old apartment.

Monk: Why should I?

Natalie: Because Trudy was there! And this house is not the same. And you're not a big fan of "not the same".

Monk: Well, maybe I've matured. [pause; Natalie glares at him] I said maybe I've matured.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I was raised in an older house. There are going to be problems; there always are. And you can't just call the super! You know, you're it! You're-you're responsible!

Monk: That's what I love about it! I have never been responsible for anything. I want to be responsible.

Natalie: You do?

Monk: I want to be part of something. Something real. Something [pounds a fist into the dining room door frame] permanent. Natalie, I'm.... home. [Natalie laughs and joins him in the dining room].

"Honest" Ramone: So, you are a, ah, detective?

Natalie: No, he's the best detective in the world.

Monk: Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?

[Jake comes out of the other room]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]

Monk: This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Who?

Monk: The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up [the stairs] to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: So you just put that together? Just like that? [impressed] Fantastic!

Monk: And this. [pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]

Natalie: It's never been opened. You think she killed him?

Monk: She lied about it. There must be a reason.

[Jake briefly raises his eyebrows. Cuts to Cassie Drake bringing groceries into her house. She turns on the lights]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey Cassie. [Cassie is momentarily startled to see Jake sitting in an armchair, but casts a sigh of relief. She sets her grocery bag down on the floor]

Cassie Drake: Jake! You scared me to death!

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Got your work on the night shift again, huh?

Cassie Drake: Yeah.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack, huh. [pause; Cassie sets her keys down on the kitchen counter]

Cassie Drake: How did you get in?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Sliding door. It's broken.

Cassie Drake: No it's not.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: No. It is.

Cassie Drake: [nervous] So, how's it going? When am I gonna see my share?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: See, buttercup, that's why I'm here: We--we ran into a little, "bump" in the road today. Guess who bought the house? [pause] Adrian Monk. [short pause]

Cassie Drake: I don't know him.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: He's on to you, Cassie. [Cassie puts her hands up in a defensive position]

Cassie Drake: Jake, it wasn't my fault! I didn't wanna kill him! [Jake starts to rise from his chair and pulls an awl from his toolbelt]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: I know.

Cassie Drake: He would've told everybody! I really didn't have a choice!

"Honest" Jake Phillips: I know. [He stabs and kills her].

[Monk and Natalie have been shackled by their legs to the claw-footed bathtub, and are trying to undo the restraints]

Natalie: You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.

Monk: Can you reach that hammer? [points to a spare hammer on Jake's toolbelt]

Natalie: I'll try. [She barely manages to stretch as far as she can to grab the hammer, which she hands to Monk]

Monk: Pull. [Still weighed down by the tub, Monk and Natalie crawl down the hall, dragging the tub with them. Monk takes the hammer, and pounds in a protruding nail, accidentally making a very small hole in the wall]

Natalie: Now what?

Monk: Nothing. That nail was driving me crazy.

[They stop to catch their breath]

Natalie: Oh God!

Monk: What?

Natalie: [points] He still hasn't fixed that light!

[Monk looks up at the off-centered lamp, then at the inside of the small hole he made while pounding the nail in, and he notices that the framework isn't real]

Monk: Oh my God. [he backs away] Oh my God!

[Jake pops his head out from the other side of the wall he is cutting down]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: "Oh my God" what? Whaddaya see, hmm? [Monk and Natalie stammer] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see, huh?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is not wooden lattice work] Something there? [he realizes what it is] It's a false wall! There's a reason that light wasn't centered: because this is a false wall! [to Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. Move the furniture! [They move a table]

"Honest" Ramone: Jake?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: It's in here! Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]

"Honest" Ramone: Jake! Jake! Whaddaya wanna do with your share of the money?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He shoots and kills Ramone]

Monk: This way.

[As Jake reveals numerous bundles of money behind the fake wall, Monk and Natalie kick it, causing it to fall on top of him and knocking him out]

Natalie: Is he dead? [to Jake] Are you dead?!

Monk: No, he's not dead! He's still breathing. He's gonna wake up any second now.

Natalie: HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!!

Monk: [Remembering what Joseph's niece said about the soundproof walls] Forget it, it's no use! Nobody's gonna hear you!

[Natalie is emitting smoke signals to summon the police]

Natalie: Come on!

[Jake staggers across the foyer and points his gun at Monk and Natalie, who recoil]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: If you like my work, tell your friends. All about where to mouth my business. And on second thought, I'm gonna retire. [He raises his gun and suddenly Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Drop the gun! On the ground! Let me see your hands!

"Honest" Jake Phillips: [being led out] Good luck.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?

Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

Mr. Monk and the Genius

Monk: [writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Teeeee.................ger."

Natalie: My four favorite words.

[Monk starts to slowly tear the check out of his checkbook. He tears it out so slowly that Natalie is able to go to the kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee and get back just as he pulls the check out and hands it to her]

Natalie: Thank you.

Monk: Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]

Natalie: Um, excuse me, where's the rest of this? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.

Monk: I thought you were just hanging out.

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer! That was a work!

Monk: But, you said it was fun. I-I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...

Natalie: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me?! Is-is that the new rule?!

Monk: Even if I wanted to! I've already torn it out of the checkbook.

Natalie: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one!

Monk: Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...

Natalie: Of course it's up to you!!

Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.

Natalie: What?! Oh my God!! [screams in frustration] GOD!!!!

Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track-

Natalie: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!

[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip. Monk and Natalie stop and turn to face her]

Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.

Natalie: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.

Monk: Can I help you?

Linda Kloster: My name is Linda Kloster, husband is Patrick Kloster.

Monk: Patrick Kloster? The chess master?

Natalie: Yeah I was just reading about him. He's like some kind of supergenius, like, off the charts.

Linda Kloster: Yes, well, Patrick has an IQ of 180, four points higher than Albert Einstein's.

Monk: Well what can I do for you?

Linda Kloster: Well, it's my husband; he's gonna kill someone.

Natalie: How do you know?

Linda Kloster: He talks about it. He talks about it all the time; he says he has a perfect plan and he's never gonna get caught.

Monk: Did he say who he's going to kill?

Linda Kloster: Yes. It's me. [pause] He's gonna kill me.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! [slams the phone down]

Monk: How did that go?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to the detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.

Natalie: What? You can't arrest him for anything?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]

Lt. Disher: Captain, we just got a call.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Okay.

Lt. Disher: You'd better put down the cup.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.

Lt. Disher: Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Why?

Lt. Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk, and Natalie sits down in one of Stottlemeyer's chairs] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]

Natalie: What happened?

Lt. Disher: I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]

Monk: Let's go.

Natalie: Wait, Mr. Monk-

Monk: Let's go! We've gotta get over there!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let's go, Randy.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the crime scene]

First Detective: Hey, the cavalry is here.

Monk: Can I have the room, please?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]

Natalie: Mr. Monk...

Monk: Not now.

Natalie: You can't blame yourself.

Monk: Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?

Lt. Disher: Probable heart attack.

Monk: He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.

Lt. Disher: Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation. [Monk crouches by the body]

Monk: Poison.

Lt. Disher: No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...

Capt. Stottlemeyer: So how did he do it?

Monk: I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]

Lt. Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?

Patrick Kloster: That's right.

Lt. Disher: And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?

Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.

Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.

Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.

Patrick Kloster: Did she?

Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.

Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.

Monk: She didn't seem unstable.

Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was. [turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.

Natalie: Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.

Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.

Lt. Randall Disher: And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.

Patrick Kloster: Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?

Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.

Lt. Randall Disher: [starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."

Patrick Kloster: Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.

[Monk and Natalie have parked outside Patrick Kloster's house, and they are reading his books]

Natalie: "In chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal." The end, and may I say, "Thank god." [She closes the book and Monk hands her the next one]

Monk: Keep going. Here's the next one.

Natalie: Oh Mr. Monk, come on! We've been reading his books all day! What good are they doing?

Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head! So we're... in each other's heads. :[Natalie sighs and opens the next book]

Natalie: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatiana."

Monk: You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds a check]

Natalie: Fine, sorry. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?

Monk: I'll never deposit it.

Natalie: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [holds the check up]

[long pause]

Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.

Monk: What about the promise I made that he wouldn't get away with it?

Natalie: You--you made a promise to me, too.

Monk: [points to the car mirror, and sees Patrick Kloster approaching] Shhh, there he is! [Monk starts to buckle his seatbelt]

Natalie: What?

Monk: Oh my god.

Natalie: He's coming! What do we do? Uh, we should kiss! No! I didn't say that! I wasn't thinking, I never said that!

Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever

[Stottlemeyer notices Randy writing something down in his notebook]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What's that? [Randy shows the page to him] "It looks like her number came up."

Lt. Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Get it?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah.

Lt. Disher: You last year? Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah I heard about that.

Lt. Disher: Everybody heard about it. People were repeating it; it was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: If you say so.

Lt. Disher: Yeah I just need to pick the right moment.

[The medical examiner comes over to them]

Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: OK. [starts to sign the paperwork]

Medical Examiner: I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?

Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up!

[Randy throws his notebook at him.]

Officer Kelton: Hey! What are you doing?

Lt. Disher: What are you doing? That was my line, man.

Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?

Lt. Disher I just said the same thing two seconds ago! Ask the Captain!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene. [Randy steps over Marissa Kessler's body to confront Kelton]

Lt. Disher: You know what, he must have heard me! That's okay, look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook!

Officer Kelton: Look, I didn't write it down. I just thought of it.

Lt. Disher: [disbelief] Whoa-whoa-whoa! Can you believe this guy? You know, I'm gonna have your badge, Officer...

[Stottlemeyer grabs him and drags him away]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.

[Natalie prepares for her first lottery drawing]

Billy Logan: Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.

Natalie: My mark?

Billy Logan: Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.

Stage Manager: 90 seconds!

Natalie: 90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!

Billy Logan: There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [to himself] Amateurs... [walks away]

[Stan Lawrence approaches Stottlemeyer and Disher]

Stan Lawrence: Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.

Stan Lawrence: They usually do.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.

Stan Lawrence:You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.

Billy Logan: I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]

Natalie: Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]

Billy Logan: [whispering] Turn it on. [pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button. She jumps, startled]

Natalie: My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number.... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number.... 7. The Seven Dwarves.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [tears up some fan mail] Seven dwarves.

[The number 32 is drawn]

Natalie: The next number.... 32. 32 teeth. [clicks her teeth]

[The number 10 is drawn]

Natalie: 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Aw crap!

Natalie: Apparently not everybody's favorite. [the number 17 gets drawn] And the final number is 17, my daughter's age. [little wave] Hi Julie! [pause] Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [pauses] You'll thank me later! [the music stops]

Monk: "You'll thank me later?" That's my line! I say that!

Lt. Disher: It hurts, doesn't it?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [tearing up some fan mail] You know, I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.

[Monk confides to Dr. Bell that Natalie's position as a lottery hostess is interfering with her other position as his assistant]

Dr. Neven Bell: Natalie's your friend. Maybe you're afraid she doesn't need you any more, maybe you're afraid you're going to lose her.

Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted!

Dr. Neven Bell: Insulted?

Monk: What I do is hard! I am out there, I am sweating out every clue! I am putting killers behind bars! What does she do? What does she do?! [He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it] "91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9- I mean, how hard is that? You know, a talking monkey could do her job! It's embarrassing.

Dr. Neven Bell: Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.

Monk: [looks at it] Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the 9.

Dr. Neven Bell: But I see your point about the monkey.

Monk: All I'm trying to say is... it's not the same Natalie! If you knew her you wouldn't know her! Last night after the show, she got somebody fired!

Dr. Neven Bell: Really?

Monk: One of the crew, sound guy! There were some wires on the floor, and she was just like [snarls like a raptor] you know, complaining.

Natalie: [accidentally trips over some cables] Excuse me! Do these cables have to be right here?!

Billy Logan: Yes they do, because they carry your voice from this microphone to that soundboard.

Natalie: Well can't you move them somewhere else?! They almost broke my neck!

Billy Logan: Almost doesn't count.

Natalie: Fine. I'll do it. [She starts to move the cables. Billy comes over]

Billy Logan: What are you doing? Are you mental?! Put it down! Put it down.

Natalie: I'm taking care of it!

Billy Logan: Let go! [Stan Lawrence comes over]

Stan Lawrence: Billy, what the hell is the matter here?

Natalie: Stan, I can't work with this guy!

Billy Logan: What, YOU can't work with me?! Who do you think you are, lady?! I've been here for eight years, and you're just another untalented face!

Stan Lawrence: Billy! Calm down!

Natalie: Untalented, huh? The ratings keep going up every night! How do you explain that?!

Billy Logan: The ratings go up when the jackpot goes up! It has nothing to do with you, you moron!

Stan Lawrence: Billy! I've warned you before about your attitude. That's it. You're out of here! You're fired! Somebody call security! [Natalie turns around]

Natalie: No-no-no, don't fire him!

Billy Logan: See, look, I'm moving the cable! [Two security guards seize him] Stan, please! Don't do this!

Stan Lawrence: It's too late, Billy!

Billy Logan: I'm sorry! I'm apologizing!

Stan Lawrence: Mr. Logan has been terminated. I don't want him back in the building! You make sure to get his security pass and keys. Get him out of here!

[Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining Malcolm O'Dwyer's body]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey Monk? Look at this.

Monk: [walks over] Hello.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's the other lens. [pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.

Monk: Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]

Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!

Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.

Natalie: Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.

Monk: [with an authoritative tone] Oh, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim-[stops himself midway through saying "bimbo"]

Natalie: Some other what? "Bim" what?!

Monk: [mulls it over] Bimportant person.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, do-do you think I'm a bimbo?! Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!

Monk: Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! So you're gonna have to choose.

[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]

Natalie: OK, then I guess I quit.

Monk: [relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.

Natalie: No I quit you. I quit us.

[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her].

Mr. Monk Takes a Punch

Ray "The Machine" Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.

Lt. Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.

[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: We're looking for Charles Bach.

Frankie Marino: Bach?

Lt. Disher: The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?

Frankie Marino: Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?

Lt. Disher: No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]

Frankie Marino: [to Stottlemeyer] What about you?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope.

Frankie Marino: Okay, let's talk.

Lt. Disher: Why did I just get undressed?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.

[Monk decides to go on welfare]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.

Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?

[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.

Monk: He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.

Natalie: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.

[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!

Lt. Disher: You should have just kept it all in your basement.

Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?

Daniel MacGraw: [sarcastic] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

Lt. Disher: It's a tough racket. I've done a little boxing myself. Light Middleweight.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: When did you box?

Lt. Disher: Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."

Lt. Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.

Lt. Disher: And he used it.

Mr. Monk Is Underwater

Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist! Don't even joke about it!

Monk: Why not?

Natalie: Because I love America!

Monk: [climbing into the submarine for the first time] I'm pretty sure he killed himself.

Natalie: How do you know?

Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.

[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a series of continuous dives]

Monk: Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!

Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!

Monk: You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!

Natalie: What?!

Monk: I've got ocean... in my pants! [The camera pans down to show that the water has gotten to just above Monk's ankles].

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I've been on these boats. These boats are so big, they don't even feel like boats. They're like islands. You've been on islands before, right? You like islands. It's like Hawaii. Think of it like that: We're going to Hawaii.

Monk: I believe you are the Devil.

[Monk confronts Whitaker and accuses him of killing Jason Pierce to protect his reputation]

Commander Whitaker: Lieutenant Commander Pierce's death was a suicide. I'll tell you how I know: because I said it was! When I'm on land, I am a decorated officer of the United States Navy. When I'm on here, I am the lord, THY GOD! I am Jehovah. [getting practically in Monk's face] Do you understand me? No one questions me! Now I've asked around, I know all about your problems, your fears, your claustrophobia. You are having a breakdown, sir. It happens on submarine all the time, to men far better than you. You are delusional.

Monk: I have my share of problems, I admit it. But when I'm on this case, I'm not delusional. [to an imaginary Dr. Bell] Tell him. [Whitaker eyes Monk like what he said about Monk having a breakdown has just been proven true] Does that sound delusional to you?

Mr. Monk Falls in Love

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.

Lt. Disher: [shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [comes to Leyla's apartment with a search warrant, and upon entering, he notices that Monk is wearing only a bathrobe] Here's something I never thought I'd say out loud: Where are your pants?

[Monk and Leyla Zlatavich are at a Zemenian restaurant with hibachi type tables. As the man prepares their dinner in spectacular fashion, he catches a bit of it in his hat]

Monk: I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.

[Visiting a refugee center, Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher find Leyla Zlatavich]

Natalie: She's beautiful.

Lt. Disher: Yeah, like the Mona Lisa. Only hotter.

Natalie: Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.

Mr. Monk's 100th Case

Lt. Disher: [about Monk] Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...

James Novak: Like what?

Lt. Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...

Natalie: [ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...

Lt. Disher: Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...

Natalie: Boats...

Lt. Disher: Decaffinated coffee...

Natalie: Lightning...

Capt. Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.

Lt. Disher: Egg whites.

Natalie: Bad.

Lt. Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.

James Novak: [about Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?

[long pause]

Monk: I can't die until I know.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher are driving to Douglas Thurman's studio to execute a raid]

Lt. Disher: Do you, uh, have the warrant?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What? You've gotta be kidding! You just had it in your hand! Where is it? [Randy opens the glovebox, and the arrest warrant is behind one of Randy's CDs]

Lt. Disher: Found it. It was right behind this CD. [shows it for the cameraman] I-I'm in a band; the Randy Disher Project; we do a sort of a jazz-fusion-punk, kind of a rap, kind of a folk-

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, just give him the damn CD!

Lt. Disher: You guys like music? You're gonna love this. [Randy takes the CD out of the case, and notices something] Whoa. Is that a scratch? You know what, I should probably put it in to see if it works. [He inserts the CD into the car's player, and his song "I Don't Need a Badge" begins to play, much to Stottlemeyer's annoyance] [cuts to a SWAT team - all of them armed with Heckler & Koch MP5A3 assault rifles - along with Stottlemeyer and Disher (both of them wearing Kevlar vests and carrying their own weapons) standing outside the photo studio's front door]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Doug Thurman! SFPD! [The first officer breaches the door with a battering ram, and the SWATs enter their room with their guns drawn]

First SWAT Officer: Clear! [They go into the next room] Clear!

[In the main room of the studio, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Novak's camera zooms in to show that each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]

Lt. Disher: Captain! [Stottlemeyer comes in]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Is that lipstick? That's good enough.

Lt. Disher: I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.

First SWAT Officer: The what?

Lt. Disher: Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer' Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [leaves the room]

[cuts to Stottlemeyer and Disher being interviewed in Stottlemeyer's office]

Lt. Disher: That was probably the low point, because we had that creep in handcuffs the day before.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: We never should've let him go. But the law's the law: insufficient evidence.

Lt. Disher: We put out a statewide APB on him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: But we were too late.

[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]

Lt. Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What about the door?

Lt. Disher: No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a head shot of the victim]

Natalie: Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.

Monk: What about her lipstick?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]

Lt. Disher: "Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.

James Novak: Why?

Lt. Disher: If you can name them, you can catch them.

James Novak: Why?

[Monk and Natalie are driving along a busy road, with Natalie splitting her focus between the road in front of her and the cameraman riding in the backseat]

Natalie: There's been a breakthrough in the case, it's pretty exciting.

Monk: Don't look back! Why are you looking back?

Natalie: So it turns out both victims worked at the same restaurant. It's one of those themed restaurants; it's called the Morbid Cafe, and the Captain wants Mr. Monk to go talk to the manager.

Monk: Okay, could you just pull over? Please, I'm feeling nauseous.

Natalie: Did I mention he also doesn't like driving?

[cuts to Monk and Natalie stepping into a restaurant with horror movie decor, followed by Novak's camera crew]

Monk: Oh my God, people actually eat here?

Natalie: Yeah, Julie comes here all the time, she loves it. See all these props? They're from old horror movies.

Monk: You should call the Board of Health. [A man wearing vampire makeup steps through one of the curtains]

Vampire Manager: [staying in character] Welcome! I have been expecting you! You are from the police department, is that correct?

Monk: That's right. I'm Adrian Monk and this is Natalie Teeger.

Vampire: [taking Natalie's right hand] Oh Natalie? What a "delicious" name. [He kisses Natalie's right hand]

Adrian Why are you talking like that?

Vampire Manager: I don't know what you mean, but I see we go to the same tailor! [makes an "ooh" sound]

Natalie: Mr. Gleckson, we'd like to talk to you about a woman named Cassandre Rank. I believe she used to work here.

Vampire Manager: Yeeessss, Cassandre Rank. She was a most delectable young girl. I remember drinking her blood; she had the most exquisite taste-

Natalie: She was killed two days ago. Somebody strangled her. [The manager breaks character]

Vampire Manager: What? Are-are you serious? Oh my God, you-you must have thought that, look-look you know that this is just a job, right? And this is not real blood; it's all makeup. Oh hell, and that stuff about drinking her blood? Oh crap-

Monk: When did she work here?

Vampire Manager: Uh, about a year ago. But she only worked her for about a month; 'cause she got a part in a play or something and then she split. Nobody stays here that long.

Natalie: There was another woman, a Barbara McFarland? She worked here too, didn't she?

Vampire Manager: [slipping back into character] Yeeeesssss! Barbara McFarland, she had a very delectable neck, I'm sure in fact-

Natalie Teeger: She was killed too.

Vampire Manager: [breaking character] Oh come on! Why can't you just say that? Now I look like a monster; a real monster; and I'm not! [stammers] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I knew her. She was here for three months.

Natalie: Yeah did they know each other? Barbara and Cassandre?

Vampire Manager: I don't think so, I don't think they ever met. Cassandre left about a year before Barbara showed up, so-

Monk: All right, we're gonna need a list of your employees: everyone who worked here when they did.

Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized

[Sally Larkin is at a jewelry store trying to sell some of her jewelry]

Mr. Sheckman: [examining one piece] Hmmmm.

Sally Larkin: Whaddaya think?

Mr. Sheckman: It's very nice. A little too nice. You sure you don't want to take this to an auction house, maybe Sotheby's?

Sally Larkin: I can't. [smiles] I don't want any publicity.

Mr. Sheckman: Well, we might be able to find a buyer. We'll need some time, though. A week.

[Sally puts the other merchandise back in her bag]

Mr. Sheckman: A week? OK, I'll call you in a week then. And if you do find a buyer, let them know that I've got some other things that I'm looking to sell. A whole house full, actually. Thank you. [She starts to head for the door, but stops, petrified]

Mrs. Sheckman: You need an umbrella? [Sally doesn't respond] Sweetheart, are you all right?

[After a few moments, Sally turns to them]

Sally Larkin: Yeah, yeah. I thought I saw my husband. [laughs] I guess I'm just a little jumpy. Thank you again. I'll be in touch.

[She uses her purse to cover her head as she runs across the street to her car]

[Monk visits Dr. Climan for hypnotherapy]

Dr. Lawrence Climan: Leap... and a net will appear.

Monk: Who's Annette?

Dr. Lawrence Climan: No, a net to catch you. You're safe.

[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar...[Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.

[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge.]

Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.

Monk: Aw, do I have to?

Natalie: Uh, no. You're the boss.

Monk: [getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.

Natalie: You want to run around?

Monk: Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!

Lt. Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Any questions?

Monk: Yeah. What if we win?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?

Monk: If we find the body?

Lt. Disher: You don't win anything.

[Waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house, Disher passes out pieces of gum]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What is this? [turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?

Lt. Disher: Yeah, I made it myself.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You made the gum?

Lt. Disher: Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.

Natalie: [making a face] Tar?

Lt. Disher: No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum].

Mr. Monk and the Miracle

Monk: You wasted a trip.

Natalie: Why do you say that?

Monk: Because they make their own gravy.

Natalie: Who makes their own gravy?

Monk: Bums.

Natalie: "Bums make their own gravy", what does that even mean?

Monk: You don't want to know.

[Ike, Reggie, and the Professor have shown up at Monk's apartment looking for his services]

Natalie: Do you guys want to sit down?

Ike, Reggie & the Professor: Yeah! Thanks.

Monk: No! That couch doesn't work, none of these chairs work. How 'bout we sit on some newspapers! Julie, go get some newspapers!

[Stottlemeyer muses about his health when he finds Monk and Natalie in his office]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [He motions towards a bottle of a health drink]

Monk: What is it?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [He takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.

Natalie: What's in it?

Monk: [reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...

Julie Teeger: So, why do they call you the Professor?

Natalie: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...

The Professor: I eat books.

Natalie: Oh.

[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station to talk to Randy about the Willie T. murder]

Natalie: Maybe the Captain saw something... [Randy turns around, and they see that he has grown a mustache] ...unusual. What is that?

Lt. Disher: What?

Natalie: On your face! On your lip!

Monk: It looks a little bit like a mustache.

Lt. Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.

Natalie: You're making me a little uncomfortable!

Mr. Monk's Other Brother

[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it]

Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.

"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?

Monk: Who do you think?

"Joe Endicott": No, wait! You don't want to do that!

Monk: I don't, huh?

"Joe Endicott": No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!

Monk: Give me one good reason.

Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!

Jack Monk, Jr.: I'm a con-man, I'm a grifter. I'm a lovable rogue!

Monk: A lovable rogue? People don’t call themselves "lovable rogues".

Jack Monk, Jr.: Lovable rogues do.

[Jack is explaining how he escaped]

Jack Monk, Jr.: Come on, I didn't kill that woman! I crawled through the sewer, when I got to the parking lot, she was already dead!

Monk: Wait, wait, wait, go back... you crawled through the what-what?

Jack Monk, Jr.: I crawled through the sewer, that's how I escaped...

Monk: No, wait, go back... you crawled, through the what?

Jack Monk, Jr.: The sewer.

Monk: Wait... [whimpers] Go back.

Jack Monk, Jr.: Just one phone call. For old time's sake.

Monk: We don't have any old times.

Jack Monk, Jr.: Sure we do. Come on, remember... oh, remember in the hallway, when you hit me over the head with that metal box?

Monk: That was a half hour ago!

Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, well it's something. I mean, it's a start.

Jack Monk, Jr.: Are you human, or what?

Monk: I'm human! Enough.

Monk: Jack, was he a good father?

Jack Monk, Jr.: Look at us, what do you think?

Monk: Was he a bad father?

Jack Monk, Jr.: Look at us, what do you think?

[Monk is in session with Dr. Bell]

Monk: All I ever wanted was a real family. I used to pray for one.

Dr. Neven Bell: I hate to break the news to you, Adrian, but you already have a real family. In many ways, your situation is typical; I've seen it quite often. [Monk raises his eyebrows]

Monk: There's a four state dragnet on my brother. Do you get that a lot?

Jack Monk, Jr.: Hand to God--

Monk: God doesn't wanna see your hand!

[Adrian, Jack, and Natalie are leaving after interviewing Reese]

Jack Monk, Jr.: Are you sure?

Monk: I'm 80% sure he's the guy. [Reese immediately opens fire on them from the roof and they dive behind a tool rack] I'm 95% sure!

Monk: He's my brother.

Jack Monk, Jr.: Half-brother.

Monk: I'm rounding up.

Mr. Monk on Wheels

[Monk notices one of Dean Berry's square tomatoes in a glass case]

Monk: Is that a square tomato?

Sarah Longson: Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.

Monk: So, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?

Natalie: How does it taste?

Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.

[Dean Berry is testing his genetically altered corn seeds]

Professor Dean Berry: What's our time?

Sarah Longson: 17:20. [The seed begins to sprout]

Professor Dean Berry: Germination complete. That is our best time yet, and that, boys and girls, is how you feed four billion people. [looks up and turns to Sarah, Monk and Natalie] We're in business. Call our investors, tell them to bring their checkbooks.

Sarah Longson: I'll set it up for Friday. Dean, this is Adrian Monk and I believe you remember Natalie Teeger?

Professor Dean Berry: Ah, yes! The woman who stole my bike.

Natalie: I didn't steal it!

Professor Dean Berry: No, that's right. I believe "aided and abetted" is the correct term. [He crosses the room to his wall safe] I'm sorry, I have to lock these up. Would you mind turning around? [Monk and Natalie do so as Berry punches in the numbers on the lock's keypad] It's just that if somebody else sees this combination I'll have to memorize a new one and I don't want to waste the gray cells. [He unlocks the vault door].

[Natalie promises Berry that she'll find his bike]

Natalie: Mr. Monk here is probably the best detective on Earth.

Professor Dean Berry: He is?

Natalie: Yes sir, and I know lots of other detectives. [Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher enter the lab, along with several uniformed cops]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: San Francisco Police Department. What's going on?

Natalie: Yeah, uh, we're fine.

Lt. Disher: You said it was an emergency.

Natalie: [to Stottlemeyer] Somebody stole his bike.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: And?

Natalie: Rode away.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: And?

Natalie: Didn't come back!

[Monk and Natalie arrive at John Kuramoto's house while searching for Dean Berry's bicycle]

Monk: Am I going to need a tetanus shot after this?

Natalie: Probably not. [As they reach the porch, Natalie sees a set of bolt cutters] Mr. Monk, look, the bolt cutters!

Monk: Oh yeah, those are nice.

Natalie: I don't see the bike. Maybe he's out riding it. [Monk peeks through the window blinds]

Monk: No, he's right in there! Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?

Natalie: The right thing. [Monk sighs and pounds his elbow against the door]

Monk: Hello, Johnny! Open up, it's... it's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back! [sheepishly] And the name of your decorator. [sighs] You're not in trouble! Nobody's gonna press charges! We just want the bike!

Natalie: [whispers to Monk] Try again!

[Kuramoto fires at them through the other side of the door. Monk and Natalie try to run, but one of the bullets hits Monk in the left leg, just below the knee].

[Stottlemeyer and Disher interrogate John Kuramoto's cousin about his whereabouts]

Lt. Disher: You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.

Vince Kuramoto: Hey, man. I'm just crashing at his place for a few days. He's my cousin. Do you know where all your cousins are?

Lt. Disher: Where do you think he is, Vince?

Vince Kuramoto: [loudly and clearly into the microphone, emphasizing every word] I. Don't. Know. [hits the tape recorder's microphone with his hand. Stottlemeyer casually puts it back upright]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Ah. Tough guy, ehh? [produces an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet] Look at this. See that? That's a bullet! That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight!

Lt. Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.

Vince Kuramoto: Former what?

Lt. Disher: Former cop shooter.

Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?

Lt. Disher: No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.

Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?

Lt. Disher: I did, it's the same thing.

Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close-

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh for God's sakes!! What are you two, married or what?! Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you're not telling us, [points an accusing finger at Vince] that makes you an accessory after the fact.

Lt. Disher: For aiding and abetting!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: For attempted murder, which is a very very VERY long "goodbye"!! Let me put it this way: your parole officer? He hasn't been born yet.

Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door

Monk: What's the catch?

Dr. Neven Bell: With what?

Monk: With Marge, what do you suppose she's after?

Dr. Neven Bell: Uh, Adrian—

Monk: Every time somebody wants to be my friend, it turns out they're after something. They have an angle!

Dr. Neven Bell: Not necessarily.

Monk: How could somebody - how could anybody - love me unconditionally? I mean, come on, you met me!

Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I know you've been burned in the past, but you have to trust people. See, there's not always a catch.

Monk: Then how do you explain this? There's always a catch.

[Monk surveys the jewelry store robbed by John Keyes the night before]

Monk: The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.

Lt. Disher: [writes in his notepad] "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: His name isn't Ergo, Randy.

[Randy has noticed that Togo the Egg-Eating Robot is missing]

Lt. Disher: I come here every year on my birthday. Sorta like a family tradition.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: When you were a kid. [Randy stares] You meant when you were a kid. Say "yes," Randy.

Lt. Disher: Yes.

[John Keyes has taken Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer hostage]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.

Monk: Or an ex-cop.

Natalie: Or an ex-cop's assistant.

[Last lines; Monk and Natalie have parted with Marge]

Natalie: A pirate?

Monk: It's more fun to be a pirate.

Natalie: That's good advice. Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.

Monk: What are we having?

Natalie: Ooh, chicken pot pie, with a little Jolly Roger flag on top and a bottle of rum.

Monk: Okay, you don't have to beat it to death.

Natalie: [imitating a pirate] Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!

Monk: Yeah, okay, how is that funny?

Natalie: It's funny.

Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs

[Monk and Stottlemeyer are at a tailgate party]

Monk: Who are all these people, and where are their parents?

Capt. Sottlemeyer: It's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.

Monk: But they're... they're not actually playing in the game.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just got to turn your mind off. You do have an "off" switch, right?

Monk: I don't think so.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, here, you can borrow mine. Beer: Nature's off switch.

[Monk learns about the Condors/Wildcats rivalry]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: They're Wildcat fans, Monk. It's a big rivalry.

2nd Rowdy Fan: Two years ago they put a bag of bees in my car!

Chet Walsh: Yeah, then his mom spat on my mom, then we flipped his RV! God, I love football!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You used to be a fun guy.

Monk: I don't think so.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the Lake Patrol stopped us and you started speaking Spanish! Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?

Monk: Trudy died.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, Trudy died. But you didn't die. You're alive.

Monk: "Alive" is a funny word.

[Stottlemeyer and Monk head towards the gates, leaving Disher to brief some cops on David Gitelson's murder]

Lt. Disher: Oh, hey, tell Bob Costas "Randy Disher says hi".

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does he know you?

Lt. Disher: No.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?

Lt. Disher: Only one way to find out.

[Monk is suspicious of Shawn Metzger]

Monk: Uh, you have a.. you have a smudge there. What happened there?

Shawn Metzger: What happened? I don't know. Do you remember every little smudge you ever got on your clothing?

Monk: Yes, yes, I do.

Mr. Monk and the Bully

Monk: Roderick Brody changed my life, maybe as much as Trudy did. He ruined everything. It was childhood's end, really.

Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack-

Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?

Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.

Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at one o'clock, when my head is in the man's toilet.

Dr. Neven Bell: Why don't you just cancel it? Just say you're busy.

Monk: Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks! Look, what I need is a note.

Dr. Neven Bell: A note?

Monk: Yes, a note from you, something I can show Natalie, to get me out of this!

Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I'm not gonna write you a note!

Monk: You don't have to write it. [pulls it out of his jacket] It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.

Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, this isn't gym class! Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. You know, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.

Monk: Maybe you're right. But sign the note!

Dr. Neven Bell: It's an opportunity to confront your greatest and most troubling fears, to finally resolve them! Put them all behind you! Not many people get this chance!

Monk: I see your point. I never looked at it like that. Can I have the note back?

Dr. Neven Bell: Sure. [He starts to hand the note back, but stops midway, wearily] Wait. You're not planning to forge my signature, are you?

Monk: [laughs] No! [He lunges for the note].

Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?

Natalie: Funny crazy.

Monk: [at the same time] Sad crazy.

[long pause. Roderick looks at them, confused]

Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick. Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds, that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you." [long pause]

Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?

Natalie: No, I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... tortured him.

[Monk and Natalie are in Douglas Fendle's hotel room]

Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is fantastic!

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.

Monk: Hi...

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk releases a stifled laugh] Are you happy?

Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: No.

Lt. Disher: [whispers to Stottlemeyer] I think they knew the guy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Know what? What, you know this guy? [Gestures towards the body]

Monk: No, not technically...

Natalie: [overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't know him; never met him face to face.

Monk: Never formally introduced. Sort of.... [Natalie gestures to indicate "following" with her fingers] We've been following him.

Natalie: Yeah.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.

Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.

Natalie: Her husband hired us.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?

Natalie: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.

Monk: Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.

Monk: I know I'm getting even.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk makes a gesture that suggests "yes"] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]

Natalie: Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party... [Monk cuts her off]

Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Disher starts to write down a name and address in his book] No that "O" looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y. Roderick Brody.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.

[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]

Monk: Prison swirlies.

[Natalie has found Monk in the park and Monk is trying to do a cartwheel]

Monk: You know how I feel? Liberated. I should've confronted that S-O you-know-what years ago! B. I still can't believe I won.

Natalie: You know, Mr. Monk, I don't think anyone really won anything.

Monk: You're right. Except me. I won big-time.

Natalie: Are you gonna start singing?

Monk: You know I almost could. You know what I am gonna do? I'm gonna do a cartwheel. [calls out] I'm gonna do a cartwheel. You might want to step back. It's my first cartwheel. I'm gonna do it right here. [He puts wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man's been stabbed to death.

Natalie: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

Monk: This is no time for cartwheels. [starts to pick up his wipes] On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this! I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again! I'm doing the cartwheel! [puts them back on the ground] My God, it's ghoulish! One man dead, another going to jail. Am I a ghoul?

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul!

Monk: What is a ghoul?

Natalie: I don't know.

Monk: I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it! [tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel!

Natalie: What?

Monk: Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy. And don't forget to say "Whee" while you're doing it. Gotta say "Whee"- [He grabs Natalie by her right arm]

Natalie: Yeah, no, thank you.

[Monk stops, having been transfixed to a police officer's holstered gun]

Monk: Oh no.

Natalie: What is it? What happened?

Monk: Brody. He had a gun.

[last lines]

Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life.

Natalie: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.

Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.

Natalie: Plato said that?

Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm gonna need that shower cap back.

Natalie: OK.

Mr. Monk and the Magician

[Torini is at a backroom in Bangkok talking to some drug dealers. He's taken the ringleader's watch]

Karl Torini: [to the ringleader] I'll trade you: your watch for [cups his hands, and when he opens them, a little chick comes out] this chick.

[Unimpressed, the ringleader pulls out a gun and points it at Torini's head and speaks something in Thai]

Translator: He says, "give it back".

Karl Torini: Awwww! Don't you like chicks! [hides the chick. The ringleader says something more threateningly]

Translator: He says he will make this bullet dissappear in your skull! Where is the watch?

Karl Torini: That's a good question. Why don't you ask him? [points to one of the other henchmen, who has suddenly acquired the ringleader's watch. He hands it to Torini, who then hangs it over the barrel of the ringleader's gun. The ringleader puts his gun away and produces some bags of heroin] How much?

Translator: 70 kilos. It is our biggest shipment yet.

[Torini and Tanya are rehearsing for Torini's next show]

Karl Torini: Applause, applause, applause. [holds out a birdcage] Different music cue, show them the cage. [The cage pops and vanishes] It's gone. Oohs and aahs from the audience. That's when you bring on the cabinet. [Tanya wheels on a cabinet] You wheel it on. Turn it around slowly. Let them get a look at it.

Tanya Adams: Like this?

Karl Torini: You open the cabinet. [opens the curtain to reveal that it's empty] Nothing inside! You step in there- [Kevin comes in and Torini sees him] Who's there? [Kevin raises his hand] Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal!

[At Kevin's funeral, Monk and Natalie are looking at a photo of Kevin]

Monk: That's a nice picture.

Natalie: I took that picture.

Monk: Oh.

Natalie: Took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.

Monk: Ha, well, you did it.

Natalie: Actually, I had to Photoshop it.

[Experimenting with one of Torini's knives, Monk checks to see if it's a real knife or not by using it on Natalie. She immediately yelps as soon as the blade contacts her]

Natalie: OW!

Monk: OK, this one might be real. Don't play with this one.

Natalie: All right, I won't.

[Monk notices something nearby]

Monk: What is that? [He walks over to the cabinet to examine it, and suddenly Torini's voice comes booming over the loudspeaker]

Karl Torini: [over the speakers] It's called a Zig Zag Cabinet. I designed it myself. [Monk starts to examine the Zig Zag Cabinet more closely] Please step away from the cabinet, Mr. Monk. Secrets of the trade, you know.

[Monk and Natalie spot a machine producing fog in the other room. Torini pops up behind them and clears his throat]

Natalie: How did you do that?

Karl Torini: Misdirection, Ms. Teeger. The secret to every illusion - making the audience look where they shouldn't be looking. [faces them] For example. [conjures a coin out of thin air].

Mr. Monk Fights City Hall

Lt. Disher: [Eating a hot dog] What's that, beef or pork?

Vendor Al: We use "meat". [makes air quotes with his fingers]

Natalie: Wh— why do you say it like that?

George Gionopolis: We are required by law to put it in quotes.

Lt. Disher: [examining the bodies of two dead tourists] I, uh, talked to a clerk at a hotel. They were staying downtown at the Best Western. He said that they were a pretty quiet couple.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they look pretty quiet.

Lt. Disher: Yeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.

Lt. Disher: Oh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?

Monk: [in an unsanitary hot dog factory] I was buried alive once.

Natalie: Yeah, I remember.

Monk: I was in a box. I was underground for three hours. And that box is now the second-most frightening place I've ever been.

[Harold opens a city hall meeting by speaking about the late Councilwoman Eileen Hill]

Harold Krenshaw: As you all know, we lost a dear friend this week. Eileen Hill's body was discovered earlier this morning. Let us pray that the San Francisco police catch her killer and bring him or her to justice. Or if they don't catch him, let us pray that Eileen's murder was the work of a random nut job, or frustrated ex-boyfriend, and not some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen.

[Harold is trying to figure out the identity of Monk's new therapist]

Harold Krenshaw: I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.

Monk: I can't tell you. It's privileged information.

Harold Krenshaw: No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?

Natalie: I don't know. I'm just waiting for the conversation to be over.

Monk: Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.

Harold Krenshaw: Dr. Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said "Dr. Bell".

[Natalie promptly spits water in Harold's face]

Natalie: Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!