American Dad! (season 10)

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American Dad! is an American adult animated sitcom created by created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman.

[Steve and Snot are standing at a girls dressing room collecting hair from the blond]

Snot: Field day!

Steve: The perfect DNA sample! All we need is another one and-

Shop Owner: [arrives] What are you two doing here?

Steve: I know it looks bad, two teenage boys in a girls' dressing room, but I can assure you, we are only here to collect pubic hair.

[outside, Steve and Snot are caught and thrown out of the store by security]

Snot: Darn! We only got one DNA sample!

Shop Owner: And stay out, perverts! [spits]

Steve: [he tries to catch the spit in slow motion] D N A! [e screams as he falls to the floor as Snot checks on him if he is okay; downstairs, Steve is laying on the floor and he takes off his glasses blood starts flowing from his body]

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[after inserting the DNA, Steve and Snot activate the cloning machine]

Steve: What are you gonna name yours?

Snot: I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.

Steve: I'm gonna name mine after my great grandmother: Glitter.

Snot: Naming your sex clone after your great grandmother. That's a nice way to honor her.

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[when Steve's cloning plan works, out of the machine come, not teenage girls as expected, but babies]

Steve: [screams; pushes buttons repeatedly] Unclone! Unclone! Control-Z! Control-Z!

[having witnessed footage of a scary ghost version of Francine]

Roger: [to a recorder] 3:43. Just peed myself. [pauses, then continues] Asparagus.

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Hayley: [to her dazed father] Dad, you have to snap out of it! You gotta get Mom where she needs to get to!

Stan: I can't, Hayley! I don't know what to do! If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife. But we live in the real world.

Hayley: Dad, look around you! The ghost is getting stronger! You have to satisfy Mom!

Stan: You're right. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore!

Hayley: You just need to get some help. A book or the Internet...

Stan: Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter. Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.

Hayley: [after a moment of pause] Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?

Steve: I don't believe this! How could they put me at the kids' table? I'm 14!

Kid in costume: I'm Batman.

Steve: NO, YOU'RE NOT! [sighs] I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!

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Stan: It's about time the hunter who became the huntee becomes the hunter,… again.

[Francine brings an incapacitated Stan to Hayley and Roger]

Roger: Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?

Francine: Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.

Hayley: What?! Will he be okay?

Francine: We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.

Roger: Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. WHY TO HELL DIDN'T YOU DICKS SHOW UP TO OUR BALALAIKA CONCERT?!?!

Stan: [falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!

[Hayley and Roger laugh]

Stan: Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!

[Hayley and Roger laugh again]

Stan: My voice is not that…

[dogs are heard barking faintly]

Stan: Not that high.

[the barking grows louder]

Stan: It's a little higher than usual.

[the barking grows even louder; the sound of banging against the door is heard]

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[after hearing Stan sing Climb Ev'ry Mountain while still in his falsetto voice]

Roger: Oh, my God! That was transcendent!

Klaus: With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!

Hayley: I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?

Stan: I suppose I could give it a try.

[the others cheer]

Stan: Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, this could be just what I need to get outta this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!

Roger: No! No! No!

Stan: Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…

Roger: Ah, the hell with it.

[he, Hayley, and Klaus drop their instruments]

[Stan finds Francine and her mother in the kitchen cooking dinner]

Stan: Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here? It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables.

Hayley: Dad, this is my mom's famous stir-fry. I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes.

Stan: But that's not Thanksgiving! I don't wanna see this tiny corn!

Mah Mah: I don't wanna see your tiny corn. Put on some pants!

Stan: I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that.

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Stan: [whistles] Here, Dixie Cup!

[his SUV pulls up to him]

Stan: Easy, girl. Easy.

[he gets in his SUV and drives away]

Francine: Hey, Banelli! You got a lot of nerve showin' up here!

Banelli: So what? So what? It's a free world. So what?

Francine: Excuse me, Stan. That's the bitch who gave all my ideas to Michael Crichton.

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Snot: Mom, who died?

[his uncle shows up]

Ira: Schmuely.

Snot: Uncle Ira? What are you doing here?

Ira: How shall I put this? You're a child, and you're gonna remember this for the rest of your life. So I wanna make sure I say this right. YOUR DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD!!!

[Hayley enters Steve's room; Steve is under a blanket fort on his bed]

Hayley: Hey, buddy. [lifts the flap]

Steve: It's called "Fortress of Solitude". Not "Fortress of Come on In".

Hayley: Oh. Right. Star Trek Wars. [imitates lasers]

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Steve: Okay. Next I.D. is ready. Mike Rotch? I'm looking for Mike Rotch.

[Bart Simpson, right behind him, laughs]

[Stan, Roger, and Santa set off to find Steve and Krampus]

Stan: Wow. Full moon tonight.

Roger: Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.

Stan: Is that true?

Roger: Is any of this?

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[last line]

Krampus: [to the home audience] You better be good, boys and girls, or I'll beat you until blood's comin' from your ears and your eyes and your mouth. Merry Christmas! And from your ass.

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Steve: Hey bitch, where's my Mickey Mouse towel!

Roger: I'm sorry! I'll try harder.

Hayley: [enters with something wrapped in a towel] You guys will not believe what's in this towel.

Stan: A baby. A baby you gave birth to, and you didn't even know you were pregnant. It just popped out on the lawn. You thought you were just takin' a D on the lawn, but surprise! It wasn't a deuce. It was a baby, and it's in that towel. [taps the table] Show me that baby!

Hayley: No. It's a raccoon.

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Stan: I like to drive around and pretend I have zoo problems.

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[Roger awakens from his coma]

Stan: Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.

Roger: Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?

Steve: The first one.

[Roger puts on the shorter beard]

[Francine eats cookies while the other Smiths are preoccupied, until...]

Steve: [sniffs] Mom's cinnamon cookies?!

Klaus: Terrific. No one cares about me. They just care about my cookies.

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[Roy goes back into his cryogenic chamber]

Roy: Oh, wait. I gotta go to the bathroom!

[but the door has already shut, and he freezes]

[just after his attempt to assassinate another terrorist has failed, Stan discovers that there are Gummi Bears instead of bullets in his rifle]

Stan: Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar! That's gonna cost me $7! [walks up to the mini bar, which is riddled with cash] Oh. He left money. Well, I can't be mad about-- Wait! That's my money!

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Stan: [repeatedly tries to kill the IHOP terrorist] This is terrible! You're hurting us both almost equally! Nobody's winning here! This is awful! Aw, man! He's still reachin'! Aw, gee whiz! [repeatedly slams a tray on the terrorist] Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! [the terrorist is finally dead] [sighs] It's over.

Customer: [sets to leave] I won't have what he's having.

Steve: You know that beautiful girl Jenna I've kinda had my eye on?

Roger: Is this the same girl whose picture you put in your pajama bottoms before you go to bed?

Steve: You know about that?

Roger: Who do you think takes your pajamas off at night?

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Roger: [after hitting Steve in the head (Roger's) with a vase] Aw, I shouldn't have hit him in the face. That's my face.

[Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi have lost the video game in which they were to stop Hitler's mother from giving birth to him]

Snot: I know he's gonna be a monster, but I do love babies.

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[after Stan has abandoned Steve and his friends in the woods]

Steve: I can't believe my dad ditched us here.

Toshi: [in Japanese] And he dishonored us by taking our cell phones.

Snot: Guys, how long do you think we can last out here?

Barry: I don't know. But if we're gonna die, I'm not goin' out a virgin.

[he hugs a nearby tree]

Snot: Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.

[Stan looks at his reflection in the mirror after transforming into a woman]

Stan: Oh, my God! Sir! Either I've gone crazy, or I've turned into a woman!

Bullock: What's the difference?

[he and Stan laugh]

Stan: Hey, screw you!

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Bullock: [points at Stan] See that woman over there? I'm going to rail her.

Bartender: [rings a bell] Oh! We got one!

[other bartenders approach]

All bartenders: [sing] You say you're gonna rail her.

We're really glad to hear.

And after you've completed,

she'll be grinning ear to ear! HEY!

Bullock: I love the family atmosphere here.

Glass: [on radio] Hello. I'm Ira Glass. With a $35 pledge, you can get the feeling... of paying for radio. It's an indescribable... sensation.

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Artemis: [shows Hayley a video demonstration] By precisely targeting a barrage of missiles your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape the contemptible fascists of Mt. Rushmore into history's greatest leftists!

Stan: Sean Penn, Michael Moore, and Captain Planet.

Hayley: Why didn't you change Jefferson?

Stan: Well, he freed the slaves, so he stays.

Hayley: Mom, hands. Eggs. Make.

Stan: [to Francine] You! Hold it right there! [to Hayley] You! Make your own eggs! [to his reflection in the mirror] You! Stay beautiful.

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Hayley: [after the cab crashes] Did the cabbie survive?

Stan: No. Damn fool was driving sober.

[after a giant inflatable gorilla breaks his fall and it deflates]

Stan: 'Twas beauty killed the beast.

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[after his last attempt to remove the wine stain from the couch has failed, Roger lights a match and sets it on fire]

Roger: [leaves the den] We need a new couch!

Thicke: And the pappy goes to... my man, Stan Smith!

[Stan comes up on stage to accept his award]

Stan: Thank you, Alan Thicke. This is amazing.

[suddenly, the background, which is the back of the garage door, opens up, revealing Thicke's wife in her car]

Thicke: Honey, I told ya, I'm using the garage for my awards show! Park on the street!

Thicke's wife: I'm so sick of this crap, Alan!

Thicke: You're ruining my thing!

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Army soldier: It's come to our attention that your son's run out of options. The army'll take him.

Stan: Get outta here, you damn vulture! [slams the door, then opens it again] Thank you for your service.

(as Hayley opens Steve's suitcase)

Hayley: Jeez, Steve. Four gallons of Lubriderm?

Steve (rubs his face): You try living with eczema.

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Groban: That ballad was supposed to be my Candle in the Wind, you dicks!

Steve: [after Matt presents the Smiths with a new house to replace the burnt one] Did someone just drop a house on me?!

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Jeff: [as he and Sinbad cross through the wormhole to Earth] Wow! The wormhole! It's so beautiful, like staring into the face of God! It's unbelievable! We... are... INFINITE!!