Vamps About/Transcript

This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Vamps About" from season 7, which aired on November 17, 2015.

Transcript[]

[In a forest, a group of vampires are playing instruments.]

Fool: Hey, this is nuts, right? [floats over to Vampire King] Look, I've got both my teeth. [points] Look! I lost one in a box turtle once. Also, I used to be dead.

[The Vampire King grabs him and sucks his tooth out of his mouth.]

Vampire King: Mwah! [spits out tooth, which hits Fool in the eye] Fool, this is life. Get a hot dog if you can't take the bun.

Empress: Pah! It tastes different here. Where are we? It's like we fell asleep on a raft and woke up in strange seas.

Hierophant: Hmph! "Fell asleep"? We died. The demon Marceline staked us all. Why are we back? How did it happen? Listen—I dunno and I don't care. We're alive and I'm going to get eating.

Empress: Ugh.

Fool: [tries to put tooth back] Ahhh... Does anyone have any milk for this? [to cow] Do you, like, carry milk?

Cow: Moo!

[Vampire King places his hand on the cow's head.]

Cow: Moo?

Empress: This is well and good for you, Hierophant, all you ever needed was a forest and something hot to chew on.

[The Hierophant gnaws on his balalaika.]

Empress: Where are the comforts of the old hive? The minions... the blood... the good blood with the gold leaf flaked into it.

Vampire King: The gold leaf was stupid. It didn't taste like anything.

Empress: We had standards! It doesn't matter when we are or where we are, because... we are. We must start rebuilding our realm. There's life here, and I bet it's pathetic.

[The Vampire King starts dancing with the cow and humming.]

Empress: We march in, we take control, and we rebuild the hive! My king, are you listening?

Fool: I dunno. Like... [yawns] What if we just got a loft downtown?

[The Empress shoots a beam from the gem on her forehead at The Fool.]

Fool: Whoops, I'm hypnotized. [slaps himself] Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh!

[He falls on The Moon headfirst, his hat damaging her head. She shakes him off, and her head regenerates.]

Fool: [laughs] Good old backwards egg!

Cow: Ugh. Ugh! I don't like to dance. I'm a wallflower.

[Vampire King bites the cow.]

Cow: Oh! Ugh.

Hierophant: My king, surely you agree that this is our chance to go back to our old ways. Surely diverging from the old ways is what made us vulnerable the first time. Surely—[groans]

[Vampire King telepathically constricts The Hierophant and levitates him.]

Vampire King: "Surely"?! Surely? Shirley J. Temple! [releases Hierophant]

Hierophant: Oh! [lands with a thud]

Vampire King: I am your king, and I say it's a new era! Old-fashioned ideas have no place here.

[The Hierophant transforms into a boar.]

Hierophant: [growls] Do what you like! I know what's right. [runs off]

Empress: If you're going to caterwaul like this, then I may as well start building my army. Hasta luego, turds. [walks off and disappears]

[The Moon backs away into the forest, leaving a trail of bubbles. The Vampire King is still dancing with the cow, and The Fool is playing a drum.]

Cow: Oh... gettin' dizzy...

[A tiny Jake emerges from underneath a leaf, terrified and gasping for breath. He runs off.]

Finn: You sure the sun's not hurting you at all?

Marceline: No, this is great. I can even feel my skin aging.

Jake: Huff! Cow Teeth and Shirley temple Aaaaaaah! I ran into some vampires! They were being weird as crabs! Do you know these oily doilies, Marceline?

Marceline: What?! No! I'm cured! It is weird though that it's happening at about the same time I got un-gunked. I gotta go see Bonnie. Ow! Oh yeah, guess I'm walkin'. No mo' powers.

Finn: Didn't your daddy give you demon powers?

Marceline: My Dad never gave me squat! Well, just some soul-sucking skills. Remember this?

Jake: Aah! My soul! [Marceline chuckles] Ugh, even though I got my soul sucked, I'll still give you a ride to Bonnie's because I'm good.

Marceline: Bonnie, I don't get it. Jake's talking about vamps at the same time you fixed me, and there can't be any still around!

Bubblegum: Well, clearly something's creeping around.

Marceline: Okay, what about the paste you took out of me? That should be all that is left that's vampiric in the modern world.

Bubblegum: It's all over there, safely in the safety bucket. What?! Pep But, what'd you do with the gunk?!

Peppermint Butler: Hold on, I'm working.

Jake: Okay. There was one that looked like if a baby-snake was a baby-baby.

Jake: Nah, that's not right. There was another one that looked like if an ant hill were a girl.

Jake: Nah, that's not right. There's one of them that looked like a wet uncle.

Jake: Nah, that's not right. There was a lady who looked like black drapes on a cake pop.

Jake: Nah, that's not right. There was also one that looked like an angry stop sign coming out of a loaf of bread.

Jake: Nah, that's not oh, actually that one's pretty close.

Marceline: What?!

Vampire King: You can stop this now, Marceline, it's not too late. You've got power now. I see it. But you haven't paid a price. It's making you crazy. Marceline, there's no one left but me. Would you wipe out an entire species?

Marceline: For the last time, yes! That is literally my entire plan!

Vampire King: So be it then.

Marceline: Uh Duh.

Vampire King: I gave you a chance, Marcel

Marceline: Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Vampire King: You know, Marceline, there's still another way.

Marceline: Give it a rest already!

Vampire King: No another 'nother way To save my people.

Marceline: Wait! Noooo!

Marceline: This is really bad. These guys They're heavy hitters. If they get back to full strength, they'll tear this world apart.

Bubblegum: What's the plan, Marceline? How do we fight them?

Peppermint Butler: [Exaggeratedly clears throat] If I may Strong enough for an ultravampire But made for a vampire.

All: Wow.

Finn: Look, Jake, a two-pronged stake And a stake boomerang.

Peppermint Butler: Yes, and what's this behind your ear? A super garlic bomb!

Bubblegum: What the heck, Peps? Why do you have all this vampire junk lying around?

Peppermint Butler: I have these high-tech weapons painstakingly stockpiled in case a certain frenemy of yours decides to turn on us someday.

Bubblegum: Peps!

Marceline: No no, he's right. I could've snapped and done you all in at any time.

Jake: Ugh!

Marceline: The cave is totally empty. No sign of anyone.

Finn: Phew!

Bubblegum: Nothing going on out here either. Maybe we should all fan out Look for tracks.

Finn: Or clues.

Marceline: All right. But everyone be careful. Even in their mushy state, these guys'll crack up ya sacrum.

Jake: Gross.

Bubblegum: Don't worry about us, Marceline.

Finn: Yeah, we're ready for anything.

Marceline: Can't smell nuthin' no more. Ugh! Ahh. Crud.

Finn: Whoops.

Peppermint Butler: Oh no, my bomb!

Marceline: Hey guys, why don't y'all head back to the cabin? I'm gonna try to put together a profile, you know Forensically.

Bubblegum: Okay, Marceline, sounds good. Come on, boys, let's get you cleaned up.

Marceline: I know you're in there, you skunk. You butt. You stain. You

Marceline: Hey. Long time no see.

Vampire King: Indeed.

Fool: Hey! Marceline! Look at me! I'm all grown up now! I ate a chicken, Marceline.

Marceline: I see you're getting your strength back.

Vampire King: Yes, not long now.

Marceline: Well don't get your hopes up.

Fool: Pbht! Pbht!

Marceline: Things are different now. The humans are long gone.

Vampire King: Someone's smelling a bit human herself these days. Anyway, you don't need to worry, I've changed, as well. I only eat animals now. Just like everyone else.

Cow: Ugh. Huh?

Vampire King: Does that mean we can be friends now, Marceline?

Marceline: It doesn't matter how you pretend to change. You've done enough already to get staked a thousand times over. You're monsters. You'll always be

Fool: Smell my feet, Marceline. I promise you won't regret it. Oooh! Ohhhh Your loss.

Vampire King: You know, the others won't be so easy, Marceline.

Marceline: Well how 'bout you?

Vampire King: It doesn't have to be like this.

Marceline: Those are some pretty frou-frou last words.

Marceline: You've lost a step! I'm not even gonna need my powers.

Vampire King: I'm surprised, Marceline.

Marceline: What now?

Vampire King: Surprised you have the time to play around while the empress makes her way to the land of ice and snow.

Marceline: Simon. Crud!