Compassionate Candor in a Time of COVID: Three ways to deliver the one thing that is harder and more helpful than ever

Meet middle-school me: standing on the soccer field, silently chanting Pick me! Pick me! as my classmates pointed to the kids they wanted on their team. Let’s be honest: when you’re 11, getting picked says nothing about your athletic ability and everything about how well your classmates like you. Also, I didn’t exactly scream Future Olympian. 

My priority growing up was to be likable: bestowing compliments, demonstrating kindness, being agreeable. That strategy worked great in adolescence. In leadership, not so much. I’ve struggled with leaderly behaviors that make me less likable. Like giving tough feedback. 

I’m not alone. Right now, sharing feedback is both harder and more helpful than it has ever been. And as leaders, we make the difference when we deliver feedback with candor and compassion. 

Feedback has always been hard but especially now. We have been sensitized by ongoing pandemic-related uncertainty. Chronic stress exacerbates the negativity bias that makes us ruminate over criticism and discount commendation. In other words, talent is tender right now. 

Moments like these require empathy, but it’s in short supply.  Nearly half of employees say their companies’ attempts at empathy are disingenuous and only 22 percent of leaders have strong emotional intelligence. To compound matters, delivering feedback is exponentially harder in virtual settings , where we can’t read body language, we can’t arrange furniture in a collaborative configuration (casually sitting at ends of a couch versus across a table), and where one party can exit the conversation without resolution. 

Helpful in more ways than ever

While ambiguity is our new normal, reducing uncertainty - especially when it comes to performance - is invaluable. Even before the pandemic , we knew employees were more likely to stay when they got feedback and mentorship, with “opportunities to learn and develop” being a top predictor of retention . Clear feedback helps answer that all-important question: am I doing well enough?  Moreover, when that’s lacking in today’s white-hot war for talent, employees may find it easier to talk with a headhunter about their career than their own manager. We need feedback, even if we don’t want it. 

Further, feedback fuels business AND professional growth. Companies with a strong performance feedback culture enjoy twice the net profit margin, return on investment, return on assets, and return on equity as those that don’t.

The implication is clear. Delivering feedback with candor and compassion is one of the kindest and most important things you can do right now.

Like anything in life, the more you practice feedback, the easier it gets. Like anything in organizations, leaders set the tone. Here are three ways:

1.) Reduce ambiguity with everyday, not episodic, feedback.

Actors have long relied on instant feedback during rehearsal to elevate their performance quickly. Notes after a readthrough, coaching during rehearsal, audience reactions to a performance – it all adds up to continuous, regular feedback that’s deeply connected to the work itself. Such unambiguous, immediate feedback opens the (stage) door to growth. 

How can you help your teams be certain where their performance stands?  Don’t rely on the annual performance cycle. Instead, after every major presentation, deliverable or meeting, initiate a bilateral feedback exchange. Ask direct reports to share one thing they did well, one they can improve, then one thing you did well and another you can improve.  Then, repeat the same exercise yourself. This normalizes feedback and turns it into a collaborative vs. top-down exercise. 

2. Model compassionate candor.

There’s an entire multiverse of techniques managers can use to offer feedback with compassion. For example: pick your moments. While immediate feedback is best, assess how receptive the other person is. If someone is clearly upset after stumbling through a presentation at the end of a stressful week, consider tabling the conversation until Monday when emotions aren’t as raw. Importantly, convey that plan to discourage weekend rumination: “I can see you’re not happy with how that went. Take the weekend to recharge and relax. We’ll debrief on Monday. I’m in your corner and here to help you grow.” 

That leads to another technique: voice the good intentions behind your feedback. For example: “I know you’re trying to communicate your ideas with more confidence, and I want to help you achieve that.

3. Share your own encounters with feedback.

Nothing destigmatizes feedback like sharing your own brushes with it. A while back, my team was knee-deep in an intense project. So I sat down, rolled up my sleeves and got to work. Feedback from my team: “Back off, Brian. Please.” The perception was that I had helicoptered in to micromanage. So I stepped back, knowing my courageous team would do a terrific job. Then I received feedback that backing off implied I didn’t care about the work. 

If nothing else, this is a funny story that breaks the pre-feedback ice. But it also demonstrates vulnerability: when I share a critique of my own performance, I’m making it safe for others to do the same. It also depicts feedback as a learning accelerator: I realized the importance of balancing my involvement with team empowerment. 

Like many of life’s most delicate exchanges, feedback can be an emotionally charged, interpersonal interaction. Make it habitual, healthy, helpful…and human.