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Catnado (2022)
Not Even a Mother Could Love This!
Oh, come on. That one ten star.... not even a mother could love this abomination! Seriously. The missus will watch the STUPIDEST movies... she once enjoyed a movie where ghost sharks appeared out of puddles and office water coolers. Even SHE hated this. We watched MAYBE fifteen minutes of it before even SHE was ready to turn this crap off. I mean... I honestly do not even have 500 characters to express just how much we absolutely HATED this complete waste of digital film. And do you realize just how bad something has to be to claim that it is a waste of DIGITAL BYTES!? Oh good Lord.. STILL 25 characters left!? For the love of all that is Holy... DO NOT WATCH THIS! You have been warned!
Ghost Babe (2023)
Trust the Negatives!
Believe me. ANYONE rating this more than 3 stars has something to do with this "film."
The description sounded great. It started off really good. And then Thelma dies, we fast forward to current year and ... it all goes down hill from there.
The guys are thirty something year old surfer wannabes. That, in and of itself should be enough reason to forgo this. But that one dude... the bearded guy... OH. MY. GOSH. For starters, he cannot go anywhere without skipping and dancing. Like, AT ALL. The other two guys, while annoying, are still better than him.
The girl, while attractive, is older looking than you would expect for a 1930's starlet. As a ghost, she's just annoying. In corporeal form, she's not too bad.
Like I said, the story itself could have been really good, if it wasn't apparently written by a couple of film school dropouts. It was a good premise completely ruined by by writing.
And do not get me started on the "dmtina" band... oh good grief...
Save yourself the wasted time.
The Canterville Ghost (2023)
Apparently I'm Not as Sophesticated as Some
I see a lot of criticism of the animation here. Apparently, I am not so jaded that I cannot enjoy something animated that looks... oh, I don't know... animated? Obviously, the others are so spoiled by "modern" tech that they demand their animation more akin to computer generated AI, completely indistinguishable from reality. That's fine... as for me and mine, we enjoyed this. And trust me, I have seen some really bad computer animation. We thought this was really well done.
I honestly would have given this a higher rating, were it not for the "modern day" re-imagining. I've never read the original, but after looking at some Cliff's Notes, my suspicions were confirmed. Virginia was not the strong-independent-don't-need-no-man heroine she is depicted as here. Not that I really needed to research that to know it. Wilde, nor anyone from his time period would have written this in this "modern" way.
Having said that, were there no other source material to which it could be compared, I would be more than willing to give this an 8. It really was good. It was funny. It was entertaining. It was, aside from the re-imagining of the main heroine, lacking the standard PC elements. Well... aside from the fact that the Duke is a bumbling idiot. But that has been standard fare for decades, so...
Look, if you are looking for something that the entire family can enjoy without being beat of the head with modern day writing, you should give this a watch.
Monster Mash (2024)
Oh Come On, People
Seriously.. if you didn't/don't enjoy this movie, it's because you take life way too seriously. Yeah, the movie is campy as hell. It's not meant to be a big budget, hollywood horror fest. It's a cheesy, campy, low budget, b-movie good time. It's comical. It's fun. It's entertaining. If you are looking for serious... try the news networks. You'll get plenty of horror there.
My one and only complaint is the same complaint that I have for most every single movie made post-2000... BUY A LIGHT BULB! And I don't want to hear that this is supposed to be "back in the day" before they had electric lights. First, movies set in this era have been made for decades and they were lit perfectly fine, thank you very much! Secondly, there are literally electric lights in Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory. Most of the movie is so dark, you might as well close your eyes and you'd still get the same effect.
Other than that, if you are just looking for a good movie night flick, you could do much worse!
Robots (2023)
Ruined by the Typical Faire
This is based on the short story "the Robot Who Looked Like Me" written by Robert Sheckley in 1973. This is a good story and could have been a good movie. And it would have been if not for the usual Modern Day Faire re-imagining.
The movie starts in the middle of a desert with a border wall. Standing in front of the wall is a Donald Trump caricature with an audience of a dozen cheering him on as he announces that the border wall is finally finished. With the finishing of the wall, all of the "immigrants" are to be deported back to from whence they came as "voted for by the Republicans" - and I am quoting here. They are to be replaced by robots to do all of the vacated jobs. Because apparently Americans are all too lazy to work. The robots are all built by the Elon Musk company Tesla, of course. Bringing up the end of the political commentary, one of the main character keeps calling himself a follower of "Q." Obviously meant to be "q-anon" given the context.
Next we have the strong-independent-don't-need-no-man-woman. When the two main characters hole up in a cabin, our weak male refuses to chop wood for the fire. He tries to light an eight inch diameter log with a match. He cannot open the canned food he finds because there isn't an "opener thingy," so she whips out a knife and opens the cans for him. When they are fishing, after what is apparently a really long time, he hasn't caught a single thing, so she pulls out a stun gun and "catches" dinner. When they go on the run together, she of course has to drive. The only male cop is a chauvinist who does nothing but takes credit for all of the achievements that his much more superior female underlings do. He is completely belittled by some chick who is apparently over him in rank? I have no idea who she was supposed to be.
None of this was in the original. And every single aspect did nothing but bring down any enjoyment of the movie that I might otherwise have had. If you were to strip all of these completely unnecessary Modern Day elements out, this would have been a fun movie. I won't bother going in to any positives because the negatives FAR out weigh those.
Escape from Area 51 (2021)
Donna Must Have Needed Money
What in the ever loving hell?! Donna D'Errico and Chris Browning must have been really hard up for money! Even for b-movie, cheesy sci-fi flicks, this was AWFUL!
The "special effects" were no where near special. The "aliens" are funny, but completely computer generated. The transport beams in the original Star Trek are more impressive - even when seen today - than the effects utilized here. The use of computers actually makes the effects much less believable than the old school tech used sixty years ago.
The settings must have filmed on a literal shoestring budget. You have TWO agents sitting in a cramped basement in Area 51 running security. And by cramped, I mean that they are literally shoulder to shoulder and there are filing cabinets within arms reach on either side. These huge intergalactic space ships have "bridges" and bays that are smaller than the average bathroom. The bridge of one ship is lined with, no joke, moving blankets hanging on the walls! There is one scene where what must be stock footage from a huge "Burning Man" type festival is used, but there are, at the most, five people in any given scene.
The acting is atrocious. The blonde Area 51 agent... if she went to acting school, she had better get a refund! Donna's acting was fine, but she is a professional. Chris' acting was ok, but I think he was trying to be over the top on purpose.
Other than one scene where this random chick claims to have been impregnated by aliens and she pans down to see her slightly covered breasts, there is no nudity. Nudity is the ONE THING that these cheesy sci-fi movies have always had that made them at least worth a few minutes of watching. There is even one scene where a guy has something that looks like a nude statue on his desk and there is a large black rectangle over it that says "censored." :eye_roll:
To go along with the no nudity, there are a few lines of "men bad, women better" dialog. The "guys" are all feckless cowards, while the women are strong, don't need no man heroines. They literally say that "women are always the ones who step up to save the world." Donna's home planet is a female led, hippy commune (her word for it). Ernest only distrusts the "hot alien chick" because "males always stick together." Now, in fairness, he does get a line in about Molly only trusting Sheera because "she's a woman." But that is used just to try and make him look more like a chauvinist.
If you have an hour or so to kill and a joint rolled with nothing better to do... I guess you could do worse. Not MUCH worse, but... Otherwise... I would not recommend wasting any brain cells on this.
The Inheritance (2024)
Modern Day Faire
I have to be careful in how I word this because of Nineteen Eighty Four style overlook. So, you have a guy who bring his wife, Hannah, who is nero, to his bianco family's home. Throughout the movie, of course, Hannah is the only one with an ounce of intelligence. Hannah is the only one who isn't a self-absorbed narcissist. That is the premise around which this whole Modern Day movie is written and is its whole reason for existing.
The plot itself can be seen a mile away. And just in case you are too slow to get it on your own, we are shown a clear shot of the dad pulling a book of Faust from the shelf.
Then there is the obvious plot hole. The demon is capable of taking the other three members all by himself just fine. For some reason, though, dad has to take out the son, and when it really matters, the demon somehow can't take the last life himself? Since he (the demon) took the first three, you would think he'd take the last two easy peasy.
Oh, and of course, Hannah is the only one to survive. Because... well, we all know why. It's right there in the Crayola box.
Slow, annoying, boring, predictable, poor acting, Didn't Earn It casting.... I think you get the picture.
The Leech (2022)
The Usual Attack on Christians
We are fans of supernatural horror movies. The limited summary given for this - "A devout priest welcomes a struggling couple into his house at Christmas time. What begins as a simple act of kindness quickly becomes the ultimate test of faith once the sanctity of his home is jeopardized." - sounds like something that would be right up our alley. That expectation went right out the window pretty quickly.
I know I harp on this in every review, but I SWEAR! BUY SOME FREAKING LIGHT BULBS!!! Every Single "modern" waste of digital film is filmed with the exact same film school drop out "the less light the better" ideology. The opening scene is in a huge, gorgeous Catholic Church. The priest is standing there at the altar giving a sermon (albeit to only five families, but still...) and there is not a SINGLE light on in the entire church! We even see the hanging chandeliers and, nope... every single one is turned off. Do you understand just how little actual light comes through stained glass windows, even in broad daylight? Surely, during Midnight Mass, they'll turn the lights on, though... right? Right?! Nope. I think there MAY have been a handful of candles lit, but that is the extent of it. Even in the priest's house, the few lamps that they do turn on might as well be 4 watt night light bulbs for all the light that they give off. I don't know when this became the accepted "lighting" choice, but for the love of GOD... STOP IT!!!!
That would have been enough for me to not watch this train wreck, but ... the missus wanted to watch it, so... we watched it.
The actors - all four of them :eye_roll: - did a decent job. I can't fault any of them for the failures of this movie. They did the best that they could with what they had to work with.
As far as the script goes, though... I have no idea what I watched. The summary is apt in that a priest tries to help a drug addict and girlfriend by letting them stay with him. Then it just goes off the rails. The priest is (of course :eye_roll:) a closeted gay pedo with an alcohol problem of his own to go along with his psychosis of seeing and hearing things that aren't there. You know... the typical hollywooden representation of anything Christian, much more so when it's Catholic.
In one scene, during what the priest thinks is a confession, a demon talks to him and tells him that "my name is leech..." I swear, the way it's said, it's like the writer is just mocking the Bible when the demon tells Jesus that "my name is legion, for we are many."
Throughout the movie, the priest tries to bring the couple closer to God and to morality, all the while, they are trying their best to corrupt him. It starts to look like some of the Biblical teaching gets through to the guy, yet at the same time, they are able to all too easily drag the priest down to their own immoral, depraved lifestyle. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. Sodom and Gomorrah. You get the idea...
The final scene (I'm not ruining anything because I am sure that you have no desire to see this... this... abomination) shows Lexi pregnant... and I mean SHOWS. Like, she's eight months pregnant. Even though the entire movie's time span is all of three weeks or so. How it ends (I won't give that away, just in case, for some unknown reason, you actually DO want to see this :eye_roll:) makes absolutely NO SENSE whatsoever.
If you have an ounce of decency in you whatsoever... If there is even a spark of morality in your code of ethics... Steer clear of this disgusting excuse for a supernatural horror.
Cinderella's Curse (2024)
Cheap Carrie Ripoff
This was nothing but a low rent Carrie remake with a hint of the Cinderella fairy tale thrown in. There really isn't anything good I can say about this. I only gave it a two because it killed an hour on a Saturday night. Not bad if you want to make a drinking game out of finding all the continuity errors.
Every one of the characters and the actors were annoying. The "effects," what there were of them, couldn't have been worse if they were hand drawn and animated by a three year old with a crayon. The flashbacks were annoying and made no sense whatsoever. The opening sequence had zero bearing on the rest of the movie at all.
Oh good.... Minimum character limit met. Thank God, because I could not talk about this trainwreck any longer.
Lisa Frankenstein (2024)
Funny 80's Style Flick With ZERO Agenda
OK... I've seen a couple of reviews mentions how "feminist" this is and how, as men "it wasn't directed at me." I don't know what the hell they were watching, but it wasn't this. This movie had ZERO sociopolitical underpinnings to it. And believe you me... in TodayWorld... I LOOK. If there is a HINT of ModernWriting, I'm out. Here's the great thing about the movies of the bygone era (this one included) - you could have a movie directed by a female, with a "strong" female lead... and because you aren't hitting people over the head with it at every turn... guess what? NOBODY CARES. This is just such an example of that ideology.
Not only that, but this didn't suffer from any of the film school dropout tropes that we have all come to know and despise in TodayWorld films. Scenes are, believe it or not... well lit! There's none of that "night light" lighting. The cameras are rock steady. None of the shaking and rapid panning that so many dropouts use to day to try and create "drama" or "excitement". Little hint... /stage whisper/ it doesn't work. /stage whisper/
The story itself was something straight out of the 80's or 90's. Maybe a Tim Burton film? Or something you might have seen a young Winona Rider and Johnny Depp in.
I've always enjoyed a good comedic horror flick and this is that. The missus and I were laughing throughout the whole thing. Kathryn Newton is a pleasure to watch. She's a good actress and easy on the eyes, too. Cole Sprouse is well known to my wife from his role as Jughead in Riverdale, but it took her a minute to recognize him. I think throughout the movie, he may have had a dozen words? But... he done good.
Overall, we both really enjoyed this movie. I REALLY hope that hollywood gets the message and starts putting out more like this instead of all the duds that they keep losing millions on just to cater to the lowest common denominator.
Descendants: The Rise of Red (2024)
Let's See if We Can Figure this Out Together
Hmmm... so let's take a look at the casting decisions for the original Descendants movie and it's sequels prior to this one. If you haven't already seen those movies, go ahead and look those up. I'll wait.
Ok, so now take a look at the cast of this iteration. Do we notice anything different? I'm sure you can see it. It's the same casting decision that has been made in every movie in Present Day, and for the same reason. NewSpeak calls it a diverse cast. Except that that word doesn't mean what they think it does.
That's ok. Like we're constantly told, this isn't written for us. Good, so they won't miss my money when I don't support it. And bfore you go tattling to mommy, this is a REVIEW. By definition, that it my OPINION of a movie. My reason for not supporting this is the very reason those who will, will. That is the reason that the casting choice was made. So my pointing that out should be a welcome addition, since that is what y'all want, right?
I can keep this up just as long as you can.
The Beekeeper (2024)
Potentially Great Movie Ruined With the Usual
I am a huge fan of Jason Statham. I have seen, and enjoyed, every single movie that he has ever been in. This would have been another excellent entry in his filmography if it hadn't been ruined with all the usual .... choices. Ten minutes into the film, the FBI agent on the scene says to her partner, "so we're just going to ignore the big, bianco guy in her living room?" Of course, she wasn't... bianco that is. Already I can see where this is going. It is 2024, after all. It only goes down hill from that.
Every single bad guy - EVERY. SINGLE. ONE - is bianco. Every single good guy - EVERY. SINGLE. ONE - with the exception of Statham himself, is not, and that depends on your view of Statham as being good or bad. That is not an exaggeration. That is not hyperbole. That is LITERALLY the casting choice.
The main girl - the one who made the comment at the beginning, is nothing but a low rent Pam Grier wanna be. From the hairdo to the clothing.
Oh... and let's not forget that just for good measure, we are introduced to the President of the United States. MADAM President.
And while we're on the subject of females... you'll love the Active Beekeeper. SHE is a 98 pound soaking wet Mary Jane. Throughout the movie, Statham is taking down men twice his size with one punch, but of course this 98 pound goddess takes hit after hit and keeps coming back for more, without so much as a scratch.
Then there is all of the weapons issues. Nobody holds a rifle like these people do at rest unless they are posing for a movie poster. It's uncomfortable and impractical. You don't aim a rifle like they do, either - with the scope right up against your eye. That's a good way to come back with a broken eye socket. Could have at least hired someone who knew something about guns to make it look somewhat accurate. Oh... an speaking of guns... I know that the bad guys are always bad shots in movies - I get it, otherwise the movie would be over in 10 minutes - but come on, man. A dozen fully automatic rifles firing at Statham and he just outruns every single bullet.
The only GOOD thing I can say about this is that the plot itself was interesting and could have been good had it been cast NATURALLY and not using a checklist.
You are seriously going to delete this? I thought that casting was done to "amplify" "these voices"? You'd think, then, that you would WANT reviews to point out the obvious casting decisions. Every single word here is MY OPINION (the very definition of a REVIEW) and not a single thing is any of the naughty PC NewSpeak.
Those Who Call (2023)
Most Winey Women You Will Ever See
There is so much wrong with this, I don't even know where to start. I guess the beginning is always as good a place as any.
We start out with a girl driving down a two lane highway, who then turns off on to a dirt road. She gets a call from her brother who asks her how far away she is. She says, not far... just six hours. SIX. HOURS. Where in the Continental United States do you EVER drive down a dirt road when you are SIX HOURS from your destination?
I'll try not to give anything away (not that there really IS anything to give away, but...) so... now we'll move on to the two sisters - the main characters. For 99% of this "movie", we follow thee two girls - and ONLY these two girls - around. For 95% of THAT time, these two are arguing and yelling at each other, or just generally whining. Half way through, I was HOPING they'd get it just to shut them up! The younger one especially!
As they are driving, one sister falls asleep (so we're told) and when she wakes up, she asks where they are. The other one tells her that she doesn't know, but that they are somewhere in Texas. In a car with a Texas license plate. So of COURSE they are "somewhere in Texas!" But she wasn't being facetious. She was serious. Even more odd though, is that when they stop for gas - at apparently the ONLY gas station in all of Texas - she says that they are just "passing through" on their way to... COLORADO! The only way that that makes sense is if they were coming from Mexico. Again... in a car with Texas license plates. And although the two girls are Hispanic, they speak perfect English and never once mention Mexico.
Oh.. and "perfect English." I don't know about you, but it just rubs me the wrong way when people who have lived in the US all their lives, who speak perfect English with no accent whatsoever, suddenly have an accent when they say certain words. Every time the older girl says her sisters name "Sandra," she suddenly develops a thick Spanish accent. My grandmother, who literally came over from Sicily, didn't talk like that and there is no reason for anyone to do that other than for "look at me" attention.
Ok... back on the road again... the two girls seem to take the same dirt road the first girl took, only to be back on the main two lane highway again. Before finding themselves BACK on another dirt road. :eye_roll:
All of that is bad enough, but the absolute lack of ANY real story is just beyond forgivable. We sat through this disaster of a "movie" and nothing was ever really explained. Dad? The ring? Colorado? The town? The people of the town? The wanted posters?...
There isn't a single positive thing that I can say about this train wreck. I know this is only 79 minutes long, but even THAT is way too long to waste watching this. Go outside and watch grass grow , instead. You will thank me later.
Alice in Terrorland (2023)
Slow Motion Dark Mode
This is apparently some film school dropout's final project. They TRY to be "artsy" throughout the whole thing. It starts out with three rapid fire scenes with no context. Then we are "treated" to a monochromatic kaleidoscope of fractal images with some trippy music in the background. I swear, if I'd had some LSD, I'd have at least been in the right mood.
All these dropouts seem to think that slow motion builds tension. It is an overused trope that every one of these art projects over use. I'm serious... I have seen molasses flowing up hill in January at a faster pace than this... movie. There is one scene where Alice is literally slow motion crawling across the floor for a GOOD five minutes. If they had run all of the slow motion scenes at normal speed, the movie would have been at least half an hour shorter. Not a lie.
Then, as is the case with every single modern "movie," the entire thing is filmed with two candles and a 4 watt night light bulb. I swear... what is it with this freaking trend?! You might as well make it a radio play for all you can actually see.
I'll bet you want to know about the plot, though, don't you? Yeah... you and me both. The entire thing is a really bad retelling of "Alice in Wonderland" with a twist you can see coming a mile away.
There is an adult, x-rated version of "Alice in Wonderland" - a musical at that! - from 1976 that has a better story line, better acting (and better lighting) than this trainwreck of a "movie."
Abigail (2024)
FINALLY - A Good Movie With No Agenda
It has been YEARS since there has been a really good, entertaining movie that wasn't pushing some agenda. There is no identity politics. So social agenda. Nothing but a fun movie experience.
Yes... the vampire trope has been done to death. Yet they were still able to come up with a unique twist. Of course, if you're paying attention, you can figure it out, but that doesn't take anything away from the movie.
I enjoy my horror with a bit of humour. This checked that box in spades. There was plenty of giggle moments.
If you like vampire movies, you will want to see this. Of course, if you prefer your entertainment to push a narrative.. tough.
DarkGame (2024)
Film School Drop Out
For the love of all that is holy... LEARN TO LIGHT A FREAKING SCENE! Every. Single. Scene. Is backlit with daylight coming through the windows and ZERO fill lighting. In a police station, apparently they cannot afford to pay the power bill. Not a single light is on. At night, there is the equivalent of 4 watt night light bulbs "lighting" the scene, again from behind, so that the main figures are silhouetted. There is one scene in the killer's basement where there is literally a dual fixture flood light - FLOOD light, mind you - that apparently puts out as much area light as MAYBE a single 40 watt bulb. And that is being generous. I don't know who started this ignorant, film-school-dropout trend of poor lighting, but they should be forced to participate in one of these "Russian Roulette" games.
OK... enough about the lack of lighting. The movie itself... meh. It's been done before, and in much better fashion. There is no reason for the killer or his games. There is no rhyme nor reason to the "contestants" choosing. There is no reason for the convict that is called in to help, and then once he does, he's completely forgotten. As a matter of fact, once the feds come in and take over (like they always do), towards the end, the just aren't there. No reason. No mention.
Oh, but just for checklist's sake, there is one of each... just because. No matter who you are, you WILL see yourself in this movie. As a matter of fact, I have never seen so many foreign language speakers in America in my life. I will give it that the usual suspects are not all knowing and all powerful. The casting is the only thing "current." But It is still noteworthy just for the sake of transparency.
Nah... don't even bother with this one.
The Invitation (2022)
Colonials be Too White
This could have been a good story. I don't want to give anything away just in case, for some reason, you actually want to watch this, but if you are familiar with the names Lucy, Harker and Carfax Abbey, then you already know the story from which this is a REWRITE. It's not a bad MODERN RE-IMAGINING as far as MODERN takes go. So why the lowest rating possible?
From the very get go, we are told that the British are polite as attrition for their "colonialism." We're told that several of the characters are "the whitest men I've ever seen." Throughout, race is a factor - but of course it is CURRENT YEAR, so you know which way that wind blows. And this in a movie where the main heroine is mixed.
Speaking of the main heroine, she might as well have been named Mary Sue instead of Evelyn for all of which she is capable. This starving artist from New York and her African friend (who is currently working through, in therapy, the fact that she prefers to date white diablos) are somehow able to take on, single-handedly, immortal gods.
If you have a single shred of dignity; If you have any sense of self-pride... do not, I repeat - DO NOT even bother with this piece of Didn't Earn It crap.
A Vacation in Hell (1979)
Current Year Movie Forty Years Ago
OK... the movie wasn't TERRIBLE, but it was far from good. What really shocked me was the constant man-hating that the brunette kept spouting. That was the majority of her dialog. Not little snide remarks here and there. I mean full on, literally, "all men are evil."
Honestly, the only reason I sat through it as long as I did was because of Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormmick) and Teri from "Three's Company" (Priscilla Barnes). Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon) is just an annoying whiny... thing - the exact opposite of her character on "Get Smart."
The story itself is contrived. The acting is subpar - especially coming from these people who know how to act. The lines - again, especially the strong-independent-don't-need-no-man brunette - are cringe to say the least. As I'm writing this, I'm trying to remember what it is that led me to give it the high score of five stars...
If you are a fan of any of the girls, you MIGHT enjoy it... if you can overlook all of the negatives about it. Otherwise... skip it.
Waking Karma (2023)
Complete and Utter Trash
Anyone giving this more than three stars (and that is being generous to a fault) is related to this project in some form. Period. There is no way anyone can give this trainwreck a high score. There are six characters in the whole movie and every single one is more unlikable than that last.
The main ...girl... looks like a boy and of course is a vegan, because... reasons. I will at least give credit that, when mom asks her if she likes girls (because, you know... reasons), she at least claims to "like boys, they just don't like {her}." Maybe if she actually looked like a girl,.. but I digress. She can't act, either. At one point, she is supposed to be crying, but what comes out is... I don't even know what that was.
Of course you've got the completely unnecessary line about Mexican girls going missing but "no one cares about poor brown girls." :eye_roll: Gotta shoehorn that into everything nowadays, huh? The whole "Mexican girls" thing had literally no bearing on the rest of the movie whatsoever. It was just a vehicle to insert that single line.
Mom.. wow. That woman could not act her way out of a wet paper bag. The facial expressions she makes look more like she's constipated than whatever emotions she supposed to be trying to express. Her lines don't make sense either. At one point she tells her daughter that "nothing was a lie" but then goes on to explain how everything was, in fact, a lie. :eye_roll:
The old man smiles the entire time. No matter what is happening around him - talking about his daughter who was murdered, people getting killed, his wife being threatened... he smiles nonstop. I guess he's ok, comparatively speaking, in contrast to the other characters, but... nah.
Way too many plot holes. The main girl is locked in a shed at one point. A shed with windows. Does she try to open a window? Or use one of the many tools around her to break a window? Nah... too easy. No explanation about the reasoning surrounding any of it - the mask, the "rituals"... nothing.
The only redeeming quality, if you can call it that, is Michael Madsen. I've always liked him and he is the only reason I even sat through this abomination. And trust me... no matter how much you like Madsen, he does not make this worth it.
Freelance (2023)
Prime Example of Why I Never Listen to Reviews
I've learned that, generally speaking, the more the "average John Q. Public" doesn't like something, the more I will. Modern audiences have forgotten what entertainment is supposed to be - entertaining. Period. This movie fills that requirement in spades. I didn't even realize that this was a two hour movie until I saw it mentioned in someone else's review. Unlike most modern day fare, time didn't drag while watching this.
I don't know who all these people are who claim that they didn't laugh or only "smirked" a couple of times. These people must have no sense of humour at all. My girlfriend and I were laughing out loud throughout the entire movie. Some of the humour was "hit you over the head," Groucho Marx style, while other times, it's just a subtle offhanded comment. Cena and Brie are funny, but. Raba is hilarious.
Speaking of those characters, both Cena and Brie are easy to like - Brie, not so much at the beginning, but as the story went on, she became much more likable. Raba, though.... That is one character that I wouldn't mind hanging out with. Just the right mix of crazy and fun.
Since everyone else wants to point to flaws in logic as to their negative reviews, allow me to address those. Bullets - yep... apparently not a single bad guy can aim a gun. Every single one of them misses easy shots. People... it's an ACTION/COMEDY, not a freaking documentary. There's very few action and/or comedy movies where the bad guys are a good shot. You know why? The same reason why the good guys in horror movies never seem to have a gun in hand - because the story would be over in ten minutes. I think box offices have shown that normal people do not want reality injected into their entertainment.
While we're on that subject... I know the reason that this movie is getting dunked on so much. Is the lack of any current narrative push. No unnecessary representation. No preaching to the audience about how evil they are. No forced Reality™ as the Powers That Be see it, or rather, want it to be.
Although... being set in a country run by a dictator, there is a small amount of politics involved. Just not the politics that the Approved Sources™ want you to know. For instance... did you know that America has, in the past, propped up dictators that were loyal to the US? Did you know that America has, in the past, been involved in assassinations of enemies - both successfully and unsuccessfully. Those points are touched on in this movie. But I guess True Reality is just too much for some people...
If you want a movie free from modern restraints, that is laugh out loud enjoyable - then this movie is for you.
The Equalizer 3 (2023)
Twenty Minutes
Twenty minutes. That was as long as I could take it. The first Equalizer was great. The second one was pretty good. I had high hopes for this. I don't know why. There hasn't been a decent movie come out of hollywood in over a decade. But... I was hoping...
For twenty minutes, I sat through an Italian language film. In that entire time, there was MAYBE a dozen words in English. I have no desire to READ a movie. If I want to read something, I'll pick up a book. As a matter of fact... that's exactly what I did as soon as I turned this off.
The scenes that I did see jumped from one place to another with no rhyme nor reason. Denzel is in one diner having dinner. The next second he's in another street cafe having tea. We bounced all over Italy in the twenty minutes that I could sit through.
There was absolutely no story whatsoever before I stopped watching. Whether there was EVER any story, I don't know, but by that point, I could NOT have cared less.
Murder Mystery 2 (2023)
Pure ENTERTAINMENT
THIS is how entertainment should be! Pure fun without the baggage current year movies are saddled with. None of the usual forced plot points at all, whatsoever! While that, in and of itself, ranks really high for me in today's world, this movie is so much more.
First, I was literally laughing out loud (using the original, traditional meaning of those words) throughout this movie. Adam Sandler is just as funny as he ever was and Jennifer Aniston has never been funnier. Speaking of Jennifer Aniston - that girl is still as hot as ever. She is a true Hollywood beauty. Both of them are amazing and have real chemistry on screen.
Almost every character was likeable, even the evil ones. The only real exceptions being the "countess" and her... whatever she is supposed to be. Those two were completely despicable. The "countess" herself was absolutely arrogant, what with her continued "Americans" sneer. The whatever was just an annoying parrot whose only lines were repeating what her whatever said and a REALLY annoying laugh.
The plot was totally ridiculous. Absolutely. Not a snowball's chance in Hades of it ever being a real story. It's called COMEDY, people! It's not SUPPOSED to be reality. Those knocking this for that reason... it's ok. This movie wasn't made for you.
I have to point this out, too, because it's a freaking miracle given the overabundance of film school dropouts making films today, but ... Would you believe that this movie has proper lighting!? I mean, none of the "entire room is lit by a single 4watt nightlight" that we've all come to know and despise! Sad that THAT is a pro when reviewing a movie, I know, but... there it is :shrug:
There are a few obscenities - twice where Adam says "g-d-mn" - but it's still far more family friendly than most anything put out today. If you want a movie you and your family can enjoy without being forced to feel bad for being who you are... if you want a movie that is just good fun... This is about as close as you are likely to come in current year.
Journey to Bethlehem (2023)
This Catholic Enjoyed It!
As someone who grew up in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for nine years, I KNOW Catholic dogma. I also know that many Catholics (as well as other Sunday Christians) take themselves WAY too seriously. I know several who refuse to enjoy anything not explicitly sanctioned by the Holy See. Most of the negative reviews here were apparently written by these types. That and the ones who openly admit to being atheist, but are then :shocked: that they don't like Christian movies with Christian themes.
So... yes. The writers DID take a few liberties with the text:
* The age difference between Mary and Joseph. In reality, she was 14-ish and he was 30-ish. Here, they are both late teens. Most every retelling of the Nativity gets this wrong, so as to not offend modern audiences.
* Mary is shown as wanting to be a teacher like her father instead of getting married. Others claim she is shown as a 'rebellious' feminist. We're not given any information in the Bible about Mary prior to being betrothed to Joseph. How do we know she didn't not want to get married? She may not act like the submissive female of that era, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? Does it change the story any any way? No.
* The Angel Gabriel is initially shown as being unsure of what he needs to say, rehearsing it different ways before waking Mary. He even hits his head as he floats into her room. The rehearsal is eye_roll inducing, but the whole movie has a comedic slant to it. Again, at the end of the day... not that big a deal.
* The wise men are shown more like the three Stooges, as others have pointed out. Again, the whole movie has a comedic slant to it. At the end of the day... does it really matter? No. I mean, why does everyone assume that everyone involved in the life of Jesus was a stoic, terminally serious, gloomy Gus? These are living, breathing, humans. They had joy in their lives and there is nothing wrong with showing them with a sense of humour. A sense of humour which, by the way, comes from God.
* The Holy Family is shown fleeing Bethlehem when Herod's son finds them and then, after Mary stands up to him, allows them to go; that they are "under his protection." THIS is the only deviation from Scripture with which I have a problem. Mary, Joseph and Jesus were never under any mortal's protection. They were under GOD'S protection and told to flee in a dream/vision given to Joseph.
Aside from the poetic licenses taken... the movie was fun. It wasn't some stodgy retelling of the same story we've heard verbatim for two thousand years, with no human emotions like laughter and playfulness. It showed a corny side of the figures we've all seen as ritualistic, and I happen to like corny humour.
I like musicals, but only certain types. "Repo - the Genetic Opera" is a specific type I like, as is the original "the Music Man." Normally, I can do without the singing in most shows. Most of the songs in this, though, were REALLY good. I found myself tapping along to a couple of them. There were a couple I could do without, but nobody likes everything.
All in all, I would say that this is a good, clean movie without overt modern day injections that you can sit and watch as a family.
Hamster & Gretel (2022)
Good Clean Fun - With No Contrivances!
It's rare these days to see a show - especially a kids show - that doesn't have some ulterior contrivance to push. This Is the rare exception to the today's programming . As a 50+ year old kid at heart who still watches cartoons, I love this show. The show is hilarious. The story line is fun. There's no lessons to be learned. No preaching. Nothing but good, clean fun that everyone can enjoy! My favorite character is Fred, Kevin and Gretel's cousin. She's cool (as in as a cucumber), laid back and nothing shocks or amazes her. All of the characters are interesting, though. Just go watch it. You'll love it. Guaranteed or your money back :)
It is amazing the mental pretzels you have to go through to be able to tell people that a show is WORTH watching around here!
Hypnotic (2023)
Excellent Movie If You Can Think For Yourself
The reason for the negative reviews is simple... No one is spoon feeding you the current year talking points in this one. You have to actually have an intellect to be able to understand it.
There are a few clues here and there that, if you are paying attention, you can make some good guesses about what is going on. Even with the clues, there are some good twists and turns that might still surprise you. Trust me... anyone who is saying that nothing makes sense... this movie wasn't made for them.
I'd say that this was a cross between Stephen King's "Firestarter" and "Inception."
The acting is so much better than most movies I've seen in the past decade. The scenes were well lit - which in and of itself adds an extra star from me. There is absolutely ZERO politics or social commentary here. There is absolutely ZERO representation just for the sake of representation. The script was well written. The story is unique, while being rooted just enough in reality to be believable. (If you are not familiar with the programs run by the alphabet agencies, you need to do some research. You will be surprised at how close this is to reality!)
If you are looking for a good, intellectual movie that you can just enjoy without being force fed current year ideals... this is definitely for you. If you want to see yourself in everything... maybe something else would be better for you.