Vacation (I) (2015)

Ed Helms: Rusty Griswold

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Rusty Griswold : If Vin Diesel can do it, so can I!

• Rusty Griswold : I just wanted to sing Seal with my family like normal people.

• James Griswold : I've never even heard of the original vacation.

  Rusty Griswold : Doesn't matter. The new vacation will stand on its own.

• Debbie Griswold : Hey, you know, you never told us why you keep that teddy bear on the front of your truck.

  Trucker : Oh, it makes the kids feel more comfortable.

  Rusty Griswold : Oh yeah? You have kids?

  Trucker : No.

• Rusty Griswold : [on ATVs]  Are there helmets?

  Stone Crandall : Yeah, I keep 'em with the tampons.

  [drives off] 

  Rusty Griswold : It's just basic safety.

• Rusty Griswold : Well, I thought it'd be fun for the kids to see where you went to college.

  Debbie Griswold : Oh, God. Why would that be fun for them, honey?

  Rusty Griswold : You can give us a tour. Maybe one of them could study there one day.

  James Griswold : Oh, no. No way, man. I've got my sights on something a little more Ivy League.

  Debbie Griswold : [under her breath]  Huh. Little fucker.

  James Griswold : What, Ma?

  Debbie Griswold : I love you. That's what I said.

• Rusty Griswold : Maybe for lunch we can find a burger place. You know, like a... Like a drive-through burger place.

  James Griswold : I don't know, Dad. I think we should steer clear of that.

  Rusty Griswold : Good one, James.

  Debbie Griswold : All right, enough, you guys. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just moo-ve on.

  Kevin Griswold : Oh, I got one.

  Rusty Griswold : Yeah, let's hear it.

  Kevin Griswold : James is a piece of shit.

  Rusty Griswold : Kinda missed the point there, buddy.

• Kevin Griswold : There was a hole in the side of my stall.

  Rusty Griswold : Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole.

• Rusty Griswold : We're going to Walley World.

  Debbie Griswold : What?

  Kevin Griswold : This is some bullshit right here!

• Rusty Griswold : That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer.

  Debbie Griswold : Did you say "Tartan," honey'!

  Rusty Griswold : Yeah. Tartan's the Honda of Albania.

  James Griswold : Why'd you get an Albanian car, Dad?

  Rusty Griswold : Renting a family car on Memorial Day weekend doesn't leave you with a lot of options. But this baby is pretty sweet. It's got all the latest Albanian technology.

• Rusty Griswold : It's no big deal. We'll just tell Stone and Audrey what happened. Kids, remember what happened?

  James Griswold : We pulled over to rescue a baby from a burning car... and somebody stole all of our stuff while we were distracted.

  Rusty Griswold : And why are we naked and covered in feces?

  James Griswold : ...I don't remember.

  James Griswold : That's right. We don't remember.

• Harry Co-Pilot : I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.

  Rusty Griswold : I was happy to do it. Just because corporate says you're too old to fly doesn't make it true. You're more qualified than us younger guys.

  Harry Co-Pilot : Means a lot to me

  Rusty Griswold : Sure thing.

  Harry Co-Pilot : [after a pause]  Oh, and Rusty?.. I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.

  Rusty Griswold : [to himself]  Yeah... you bet.

• Kevin Griswold : You have such a vagina.

  Rusty Griswold : Okay, enough, enough. Now, young man, we talked about the bullying of your older brother. That's right. We don't make fun of someone just because they're different.

  James Griswold : I don't have a vagina.

  Rusty Griswold : I'm just saying, if you did it wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina.

  James Griswold : Why are you making it sound like I have a vagina?

  Rusty Griswold : I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that.

• Rusty Griswold : Never heard that laugh before. I don't like it.

  Debbie Griswold : Hold my bag.

  Rusty Griswold : Why? You're not actually going on this thing.

  Debbie Griswold : Yes, I am. This Chug Run raised thousands of dollars for charity, all right? I might not have gotten good grades while I was here, but at least I did something.

  Rusty Griswold : It sounds like you did a lot. You stuck your finger in the dean's penis.

  Debbie Griswold : It's not important what I stuck my finger in and what I burnt down. What is important... is that these bitches are disrespecting me.

  Rusty Griswold : Bitches?...

• Debbie Griswold : I was a Tri-Pi a long time ago, so... In fact, the Chug Run was my idea.

  Heather : It was?

  Debbie Griswold : Yeah.

  Heather : Wait, are you Debbie Fletcher?

  Debbie Griswold : Yeah

  Heather : Oh, my shit. Oh, my shit! I can't believe it's you! Guys, come here! Bring over the book! It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.

  Debbie Griswold : How do you know who I am?

  Heather : Oh, my God, are you kidding me? You're like a legend at Tri-Pi. You're Debbie Do-Anything!

  Rusty Griswold : [astonished]  Debbie Do-Anything?

• Debbie Griswold : Honey, is that a swastika on there?

  Rusty Griswold : Yeah. We won't use that.

• Rusty Griswold : I think I know my wife pretty well, and she wouldn't have done any of those things.

  Debbie Griswold : But you know what? What's important is not whether I did them or I didn't do them. What's important is that you guys are idolizing very bad behavior here.

  Heather : Uh, ew, you don't sound like Debbie Do-Anything...

• Stone Crandall : If you're up for it I can always use an extra set of hands.

  Rusty Griswold : Well, I was born with an extra set of hands.

  Stone Crandall : That's an odd thing to say, heh. But I reckon this'll be the highlight of your trip.

• James Griswold : [surprised]  What's Mom doing?

  Rusty Griswold : She's, uh, teaching these bitches a lesson.

  Kevin Griswold : [in awe]  This is the best thing I've ever seen.

  James Griswold : Why is she puking so much?

  Rusty Griswold : It's for ass burgers.