Capt. George Mainwaring: Now, I want you to tell me, in your own words, exactly what happened on Saturday night. And we'll start with you, Sergeant.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Right, sir. Well, when the, er, when the fight started, I thought that I'd better get out the way, so I dived under the table.
Capt. George Mainwaring: Yes...
Pte. Joe Walker: That was after he thumped the American soldier.
Capt. George Mainwaring: [writing] 'After he thumped... ' What?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: I'm sorry, sir, but you see, I only gave him a couple of taps. He'd been getting on my nerves all evening. He was being far too familiar with Mrs Pike.
Pte. Frank Pike: [to Mainwaring] Mum was furious. When Uncle Arthur got home, she wouldn't let him in, and he had to spend all night in the coal shed.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Frank!
Capt. George Mainwaring: What about you, Jones? That's a very nasty bump on your forehead. Which American did that?
LCpl. Jack Jones: None of them, sir. It was Mrs Fox.
Capt. George Mainwaring: Mrs Fox?
LCpl. Jack Jones: Yes, she didn't like my attitude to one of the Yanks.
Capt. George Mainwaring: What were you doing?
LCpl. Jack Jones: I was banging his head on the floor. I had him in a deadly, Dervish, death grip, sir, and I was...
[he waves his arm in demonstration]
Capt. George Mainwaring: Yes, alright, alright. Frazer?
Pte. James Frazer: Well, sir, I just gave this fella a wee bit of a push. No more, no more, mind you, no more, a wee bit of a push. He knocked a whiskey out of my hand, no decent Scot will stand for that. It was just unfortunate that he happened to collide with a bottle that Joe here was holding.
Pte. Joe Walker: Ah, yes, well, I can explain that, sir. You see, when the fight started, I thought I'd calm things down with a bit of a sing-song, you see. So, I was conducting away like this
[waving his arms around]
Pte. Joe Walker: and it just so happened that I had a bottle in each hand.
Capt. George Mainwaring: What about you, Pike? I'm sure you didn't do anything violent.
Pte. Frank Pike: I must confess, I did, sir. I lost my temper. It was those two Americans, they kept on clinging to my Ivy. They wouldn't let go, you see. And mum wouldn't do anything about it. So I thought it was about time I stood up for myself. I decided to be a man.
Capt. George Mainwaring: What did you do?
Pte. Frank Pike: I walked straight up to him, and I went...
[he puts his hands up in front of his nose, sticks his tongue out, and blows a raspberry]
Pte. Frank Pike: He chased me around the table twice, until Mr Godfrey hit him over the head with a chair.
Capt. George Mainwaring: Godfrey?
Pte. Charles Godfrey: Well, sir, he'd trodden on my sister Dolly's upside down cakes.
