- Brick Top: Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me.
- Turkish: What's happening with them sausages, Charlie?
- Sausage Charlie: Five minutes, Turkish.
- Turkish: It was two minutes five minutes ago.
- Avi: Should I call you Bullet? Tooth?
- Bullet Tooth Tony: You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.
- [Tyrone just backed into Franky Four Fingers' van]
- Tyrone: I didn't see it there.
- Vinny: It's a four ton truck, Tyrone. Its not as if it's a packet of fucking peanuts, is it?
- Tyrone: It was a funny angle.
- [All three turn and look back at the truck]
- Vinny: It's behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.
- Brick Top: You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
- Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
- Brick Top: And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".
- Vinny: Well, thank you for that. That's a great weight off me mind. Now, if you wouldn't mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course?
- Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. Now there are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.
- Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
- Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two little mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your guns...
- [Zoom in on the side of Sol's gun, which indeed has "REPLICA" etched on the side; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at the sides of their guns]
- Bullet Tooth Tony: And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O"...
- [Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table]
- Bullet Tooth Tony: Written on the side of mine...
- [They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has "DESERT EAGLE .50" etched on the side]
- Bullet Tooth Tony: Should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off!
- Bullet Tooth Tony: A bookie's got blagged last night.
- Avi: Blagged? Speak English to me, Tony. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.
- Mickey: Good dags. D'ya like dags?
- Tommy: Dags?
- Mickey: What?
- Mrs. O'Neil: Yeah, dags.
- Tommy: Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.
- Avi: You got a toothbrush? We're going to London. Do you hear that, Doug? I'm coming to London.
- [Avi arrives in London]
- Doug the Head: Avi!
- Avi: Shut up and sit down, you big, bald fuck. I don't like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less then warm sandy beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats.
- Doug the Head: We've got sandy beaches...
- Avi: So? Who the fuck wants to see 'em? I hope you appreciate the concern I have for my friend Franky, Doug. I'm gonna find him, and you're gonna help me find him, and we're gonna start at that fight.
- Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [referring to Tommy's gun] Heavy is good, heavy is reliable. If it doesn't work you can always hit them with it.
- [first lines]
- Turkish: [narrating] My name is Turkish. Funny name for an Englishman, I know. My parents to be were on the same plane when it crashed. That's how they met. They named me after the name of the plane. Not many people are named after a plane crash. That's Tommy. He tells people he was named after a gun, but I know he was really named after a famous 19th century ballet dancer.
- Bullet Tooth Tony: Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?
- Avi: Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?
- Bullet Tooth Tony: 'Cause he dodges bullets, Avi.
- Brick Top: Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don't want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I'm walking, and I'll cut your fucking Jacobs off.
- Turkish: [looks at the caravan] Look at it. How am I suppose to run this thing from that? We'll need a proper office. I want a new one, Tommy. You're going to buy it for me.
- Tommy: Why me?
- Turkish: Well, you know about caravans.
- Tommy: How's that?
- Turkish: You spent a summer in one, which means you know more than me. And I don't want to have my pants pulled down over the price.
- Tommy: What's wrong with this one?
- Turkish: [Pulls the caravan's door from its hinges] Oh, nothing, Tommy. It's tiptop. It's just I'm not sure about the colour.
- Franky Four Fingers: So the Biblical scholars mis-translated the Hebrew word for "young woman" into the Greek word for "virgin," which was a pretty easy mistake to make, since there is only a subtle difference in the spelling. But back then it was the "virgin" that caught people's attention. It's not every day a virgin conceives and bears a son. So you keep that for a couple of hundred years, and the next thing you know, you have the Holy Catholic church.
- [Doug sees four Jewish kids smoking]
- Doug the Head: What are you doing?
- Jewish Boy: [spits] It's a free country, ain't it?
- Doug the Head: Well it ain't a free shop, is it? So fuck off!
- Gorgeous George: Get back down or you will not be coming up next time.
- [watches as Mickey warms up]
- Gorgeous George: Oh, bollocks to you. This is sick. I'm out of here.
- Mickey: You're not going anywhere, you thick lump.
- [Pulls off his shirt]
- Mickey: You stay until the job's done.
- [kisses his good luck charms and knocks Gorgeous out with a single punch]
- Turkish: [narrating] It turned out that the sweet-talking, tattoo-sporting pikey was a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him harder than a coffin nail. Right now, that's the last thing on Tommy's mind. If Gorgeous doesn't wake up in the next few minutes, Tommy knows he'll be buried with him. Why would the gypsies go through the trouble of explaining why a man died in their campsite when they can bury the pair of them and just move camp? It's not like they got social security numbers, is it? Tommy - the tit - is praying. And if he isn't, he fucking should be.
- Turkish: Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, 'cause you're too fuckin' scared to think - you just freeze and pull a stupid face. But the pikey didn't. Why? Because he had plans of running the car over.
- Avi: Tony.
- Bullet Tooth Tony: What?
- Avi: Look in the dog.
- Bullet Tooth Tony: What do you mean "look in the dog?"
- Avi: I mean open him up.
- Bullet Tooth Tony: It's not as if it's a tin of baked beans! What do you mean "open him up"?
- Turkish: You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy and I'll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.
- Sol: You ain't from this planet are you, Vincent? Who is gonna mug two black fellas, holding pistols, sat in a car that is worth less than your shirt?
- Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [after shooting Frankie] Drop the gun, fat boy.
- [Tyrone does]
- Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [re: Frankie] You fucking idiots! He could not know my name. Give me the stone.
- Vinny: [pointing] It's in the case.
- Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: What?
- [takes out his earplugs]
- Vinny: It's in the case!
- Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: You put the stone in the case? Then open the case and give me the stone.
- Sol: The only man who knew the combination... you just shot.
- Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [mutters] Yob tvoyu mat...
- [Russian, "fuck your mother"]
- Turkish: Well, do you want to do it?
- Mickey: That depends.
- Turkish: On what?
- Mickey: On you buying this caravan. Not the rouge one, the rose.
- Turkish: It's not the same caravan.
- Mickey: It's not the same fight.
- Turkish: It's twice the fucking size of the last one.
- Mickey: Turkish, the fight is twice the size. And me ma still needs a caravan. I like to look after me ma. It's a fair deal. Take it.
- Turkish: Mickey, you're lucky we aren't worm food after your last performance. Buying a tart's mobile palace is a little fucking rich.
- [Realizes his mistake]
- Turkish: I wasn't calling your mum a tart. I just meant...
- Mickey: Ah, save your breath for cooling your porridge. Now, look...
- Mickey: She wants the Hector-2 roof lights, uh... the stylish ash-framed furniture and the scatter cushions with the matching shag pile covering.
- Mickey: Right. And she's terrible partial to the periwinkle blue, boys. Have I made myself clear, boys?
- Turkish: Yeah, that's perfectly clear, Mickey. Yeah... just give me one minute to confer with my colleague.
- [to Tommy]
- Turkish: Did you understand a single word of what he just said?
- Brick Top: Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent, personified in this case by a 'orrible cunt, me.
- [looking at the video of Sol and Vinny, trapped in the foyer of the bookie's by the security door]
- Brick Top: Do you know these tits, Errol?
- Errol: I know a lot of tits, Guv'nor. But I don't know any quite as fucking stupid as these two.
- Brick Top: John?
- John: I can't help, Guv.
- [Tyrone pokes his head in the door]
- Errol: Ah, Tyrone.
- Errol, John: You silly fat bastard.
- Bullet Tooth Tony: Avi, pull your socks up.
- [Avi finally understands his lingo and drops to the ground]
- Brick Top: You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.