Marissa

“I am a cathedral of almost-lovers”
― Ashe Vernon

“When he says
He doesn’t love you anymore,
Roll your shoulders back
And look him in the eye
Even when it feels like your ribs
Are breaking inward, like spider legs.
When he digs up old aches
That he swore he forgave you for,
Smile
And ask him why he didn’t leave you sooner.
Ignore the way the words feel like sandpaper
Running all the way up your throat to your mouth.
When he blames you
For mistakes that wear his face,
Do not scream.
Do not cry.
Tell him that there are boys
Who would be proud to say they’d loved you.
Tell him that in two years
You won’t even remember his name
And don’t let him see the way you can taste your own lie.
When he leaves
Ignore the howling in your blood
And do not get up after him.
Not even to lock the door.
Do not, do not
Do not.
Smell his shirts when you box them up
To give them back.
Not one.
Swear off dating when you realize
You’re chasing ghosts that wear his smile.
It’s okay to cry over him.
It’s even okay to forgive him.
But do not go back to him.
If he did not know how to love you the first time,
He won’t know how to do it the next.”
― Ashe Vernon

“This is a story of survival.
It is your story,
even when you feel like that word
does not belong to you.”
― Ashe Vernon, Wrong Side of a Fistfight

“To whoever loves me next,

I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you
or if days of flirting turn to
radio silence, without warning.

I’m sorry if I make you say the words
over and over and over until I believe them.
(I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.)

I will probably spend more time
worrying about losing you than I spend
trying to keep you.
Trouble is,
every single time I’ve ever thought
something was too good to be true–
I’ve been right.

Understand,
I will know how to be vulnerable with you,
but I won’t know how not to regret it.
And I have no idea how deep we’ll be
into this relationship before I admit
I’ve never done this before.
Not really.
Not in any way that counts.

Before I admit that I know
how to put my body inside someone else’s
but not how to make it beautiful.

I probably won’t be easy to love.
Too many people loved me badly,
I’m not sure I know how
to do it right.”
― Ashe Vernon