Bizzy's Reviews > And Then

Re-read Sept. 2, 2022. Updated review to come.

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I’m writing one review for Coming in First Place, And Then, and Between the Teeth because it’s all one story, and it's difficult for me to review it in pieces.

This story is, technically, a romance, but I don’t think that’s the best definition for it. Although David and Jake’s relationship is at the core of the story, and is fundamental to it, this is really the story of David finding his place in the world and finding some measure of self-acceptance.

Like David, I’m autistic, and his story is so real and relatable to me that it hurts. (That David is autistic isn’t explicitly stated in the books themselves, but the author has confirmed on her Tumblr that he’s neurodivergent.) It’s wonderful to be seen so completely, to know that someone else has experienced these things and has put them out there in the world for others to see, but it’s also painful to know that David’s happy ending will always have some measure of pain in it. He will always struggle to understand other people, will always have to worry that he’s “too much work.” Social interactions will always be confusing for him. There will always be people who think he’s unlikeable because of how he comes across. He will always have to carefully guard his authentic self. Finding people who love him, and learning to love himself, will not solve these problems for him.

David never thought he was stupid, but he's feeling, more and more all the time, that he is, that things shouldn't be so hard.

Many reviews of Coming in First Place talk about how David is unlikeable, and maybe he is, but that’s because we’re seeing him through his eyes, and he doesn’t like himself very much. He doesn’t accept himself. He certainly doesn’t know what anyone would see in him or why anyone would want to spend time with him if they don’t have to. His is not a typical romance POV. Fitzpatrick’s characters are unreliable narrators, and she isn’t afraid to let them be deeply flawed. It’s common in romance for characters to know themselves very well, to easily identify their own flaws and those of others, and to identify and resolve interpersonal issues. That is not what happens in this story; those things would be anathema to it, because they are the opposite of what it means to be an autistic person interacting with allistic people. Here, that common language of human interaction is fractured, sometimes entirely absent; both sides misunderstand each other and always will. David will never have that moment where he sees himself with crystal clarity though Jake’s eyes, because David and Jake don’t process the world in the same way. That doesn’t mean they can’t love each other unconditionally or be happy together (they do, and they are, in the end), but it would be inauthentic and unsatisfying for their story to end in the stereotypical romance HEA that tells us how these people fit perfectly together like two puzzle pieces.

David's too much work. David knows he's too much work.

David’s internalized homophobia is a huge part of this story. To me this was emblematic of what it’s like to be autistic: You know that who you really are will not be acceptable to many other people (and you have no way of guessing who is safe and who isn’t), that it doesn’t fit with the persona you’ve had to adopt in order to pass as neurotypical and not get ostracized or singled out for abuse. So you guard that part of yourself as carefully as you can; you know that your future and your happiness depend on no one ever finding out what you’re really like. If you’re lucky, you eventually find people you can trust to be yourself with, and you learn that not everyone is unsafe—but you know you will always have to guard that part of yourself very carefully.

I’ve written this review because of how much this story and this character mean to me, and because I want other readers to know what to expect. So if you read this story, I hope you’ll spend time thinking about why David is the way he is, what you have in common with him, and what you don’t. More than anything, I hope you’ll remember that David is real. David is me, and so many other people like me. That doesn’t mean you have to like him, or this story, but I hope you’ll try.