in public straight up "crying over it" and by "it", haha, well. let's just say yet another goddamn cat sebastian bookin public straight up "crying over it" and by "it", haha, well. let's just say yet another goddamn cat sebastian book...more
me before starting: i hope this pummels me into a pulp me now, battered and bruised: please sir let me p e r i s h
“what i meant to say is this: you’
me before starting: i hope this pummels me into a pulp me now, battered and bruised: please sir let me p e r i s h
“what i meant to say is this: you’ll write more poems. they are not lost. you are the poetry. yours, gaunt”
1914. two english schoolboys—gaunt & ellwood—harbour a secret love for each other. when gaunt bites the bullet & enlists, he’s thrown into the ceaseless violence of world war I only for ellwood to follow. in a grim reality surrounded by death, it begs the question: how does love follow?
the thing is: i didn’t take a single breath while reading in memoriam.
i can’t let this novel go. everyday i go back, flipping through the pages—somehow already tabbed to hell & back—running fingers over lines of text. feels dramatic to say i can etch it all into my brain & it still won’t be enough. saying i love in memoriam hardly feels sufficient.
something about two boys & the depth of a love, the quiet yearning through the wall, so afraid to give into what it means to love another. feels poetic in the most agonizing way to say a book set in the war is, at its heart, about love. less about a love forming than a love being tested.
something about the juxtaposition between the vivid horrors of war—the gore, the grief, what it does to people. strip them of their boyhood, force them to grow into men. watch how brutality tries to mar that love, then witness that insistent tenderness bent on growing through the cracks. each letter & poem—something delicate persisting. the moments of gentle understanding & a sense of mutual awe to it. every hesitant touch, like a butterfly pausing on a child’s hand.
when you think books about war & incessant violence, you think patroclus & achilles, hercules, hector. you don’t breathe because you know how brief each moment of happiness is, only for it not to be the end of the story. do it & you disturb the peace, popping the already fragile bubble that they try to create for themselves. how sacred that feels in such a high stakes environment.
i might be so bold as to say in memoriam has one of my favorite endings. a final look at that loss of innocence and one beautiful & reverent constant—their love for each other. maybe i'll just never breathe again. being giving the smallest hope and holding on, waiting forever....more
tj klune + found family = therapy bills and crying on the bedroom floor
“you are animals. fierce and wild. you are harsh and brutal and beautiful. t
tj klune + found family = therapy bills and crying on the bedroom floor
“you are animals. fierce and wild. you are harsh and brutal and beautiful. there is no one like you in all the universe.”
nate cartwright is lost. his parents recently dead, fired from his job, estranged from his brother. he inherits the family cabin in oregon and decides to go there to figure out what comes next. the cabin should be empty—it’s not. a man named alex and a strange little girl who calls herself artemis darth vader is there. alex is lost too and his sole purpose is keeping art safe. but art sees something more, something they may all need. nate is left with a choice: drown in the memories of his past, or fight for a future he never thought possible.
what is it about the way tj klune writes found family that leaves me a snivelling mess??
nate and alex are two intensely lonely men. both running and grieving in the wake of profound loss. both who think it might be easier to stay lost because it’s hard to take things on faith when it feels like there’s none left.
and then: being found.
but before that we need to talk about little artemis darth vader. it’s hard to explain without giving it away, but this book looks at humanity from a different lens. how awful and flawed humanity is. but also, so fierce and wild. how fragile we are but how we take chances, how hard we fight to have a future full of hope.
together they make a home out of nothingness. they create a home for together after almost losing themselves. out of a place where they should not exist. they take turns carrying each other until their knees give out. together they search for home in a harsh and unforgiving world.
it’s hard to explain how this feels until you read their story with your own eyes, but when you do there will be so much love and trust and heartache and humanity that sometimes it will feel like you’re drowning it in. i felt so alive reading this book.
i loved nate, alex, and artemis so much that it hurt to let them go. but i know i'll be back to see them again sometime in the near future.
started crying at page 1 word 1 and only stopped at page 496. that's a lie i'm crying while typing this. honestly perfect
“i’m so glad i met you,” i
started crying at page 1 word 1 and only stopped at page 496. that's a lie i'm crying while typing this. honestly perfect
“i’m so glad i met you,” ilya said quietly. shane’s heart clenched. it was such a simple statement, but it was so open and honest.”
✼ thank you to the carina press & netgalley for sending me an arc of the long game in exchange for an honest review.
i’ll start off by talking about game changers as a whole. 5 current books, 5 times i put my heart in the palm of rachel reid's hands; 5 times she gently returned my heart, each time slightly warmer, slightly fuller, slightly more full of hope.
and now, once again, i give her my heart.
i’ve only met shane and ilya not too long ago, but i already missed them terribly. each time they were mentioned in other books, i would go faintly feral. so to say hello to them once more, i can breathe easy again. it feels dramatic and yet insufficient to say that i cannot physically contain my love for them. after all, i have been loving them very loudly.
it’s been 10 years since shane hollander & ilya rozanov started seeing each other. 10 years of secret kisses, secret homes, a secret love. to tell the world of their relationship risks impacting shane's hockey career, but ilya is tired of hiding. he wants the closeness, the intimacy. so now, it’s time for them to make a call.
the long game was everything to me. there were scenes that made me cry with my entire body, there was one where i literally put down my e-reader and ran a lap around the house. the love was so overwhelming - their love for each other, and our love for them.
“when will i have you for as long as i want?” was my absolute favorite line from heated rivalry. to me, it truly encompasses the secret relationship, the cost of fame, the sheer pure love for each other that is tearing at the seams and yet they try to keep it contained, even if it hurts each time.
in the long game, this gets taken up a notch. and it was glorious. when i think of going the distance for love, i think of shane and ilya - two people cradling each other’s hearts, protecting it against the loneliness, the harsh culture of toxic masculinity, and making it happen against all odds. how i wondered how they would build a life when constantly on the move, only to realize that home is each other.
with every interaction, every touch, every thought, it’s so clear how much they truly love each other, how well they know each other, the utter charm of how much they make each other smile.
shane and ilya were rivals. rivals-with-benefits. something more. lovers. a love story that spans thirteen years. they were inevitable.
at this point (although i knew it long ago), i would trust rachel reid with my heart....more
"i feel fine," she says, while feeling most certainly very much not fine in the slightest
“tennal—unpredictable and razor-edged, crackling like the
"i feel fine," she says, while feeling most certainly very much not fine in the slightest
“tennal—unpredictable and razor-edged, crackling like the end of a live wire. surit worked in a universe of fixed possibilities. tennal was a chaos event. surit was drawn to it like a gravity wall.”
due to dodgy experimentations, planet orshan is home to readers, who can read minds & navigate chaotic space; & architects, who can control minds. readers who are considered threats are dealt with by syncing them with an architect. tennalhin halkana —a politician’s absolute disaster of a nephew— is a reader who gets conscripted into the military & forced to sync with surit yeni, a duty-bound soldier with a complicated past. surit realises that tennal did not consent to the sync and refuses go through with illegal orders. instead, they fake a sync bond.
for context: please imagine me frothing at the mouth & gnawing on my arm for this is my ocean’s echo-induced state of mind
i fully credit winters orbit for turning me into a sci-fi reader. sure before that i’d taken baby steps into the genre but never made it a huge priority, but then i met kiem & jainan & everything got turned upside down. & now? a whole year later? oceans echo was one of my most anticipated reads.
and i fell in love with it.
so where do i start?
do i start about how this is not winters orbit, but it very much holds its own. ocean’s echo is everina’s sophomore novel & it hit me just as hard. this is also set in iskat & there’s no place like home, no place like iskat. there’s so much comfort in returning to a world that i used to not understand but slowly committed to learning out of sheer love.
maybe i'll start with how electric tennal & surit are. oh the mortifying ordeal of being known!! & loved in spite of it! what i love most about everina’s characters is how strong they are apart & together. you witness them slowly fall in love with each other’s true selves & its the most beautiful thing. how could i have not fallen in love? to have them wedge themselves in my heart forever.
or perhaps i should start with how i love a ragtag crew. i love the chaos that comes with a crew that is snarky & scrappy, who go against the odds just by sheer will. who cannot & will not be kept down.
i don’t know where to start but I know where this ends.
this ends with oceans echo sitting on the faves shelf. this ends with me sending my best friend over 50+ voice messages because i simply could not pause reading to send a text (some voice messages were just us yelling its Fine). it ends with a love so great that honestly? i’m still a little afraid to say this out loud but perhaps it parallels winters orbit in my heart.
✼ thank you to macmillan for sending me an arc of ocean's echo in exchange for an honest review
___
oh my god EVERINA MAXWELL CAN HAVE MY SOUL LET'S FUCKIN GO...more
do you hear that? its the sound of my impending marvellous light brainrot i will not be shutting up about this book for a long time
“it was the way
do you hear that? its the sound of my impending marvellous light brainrot i will not be shutting up about this book for a long time
“it was the way he felt watching edwin read; it was the feeling he had every time his eyes sought edwin in a room and landed on an angle of the man’s face, any movement of those delicate fingers: there you are. i’ve been waiting for you.”
the last thing robin blyth needs is to be named as a civil service liaison to a hidden magical society. so of course, due to a clerical error, that is exactly what happens. and then he gets cursed. he’s quickly thrust into a world of magic and premonitions, and together with his magical counterpart and unwilling ally - edwin courcey - they begin to unearth unsettling truths as they try to break the curse.
i don’t even know where to start. it's baffling how i’ve been yelling incessantly about this book for days and yet i lack the words to fully express just how quickly i fell head over heels in love with it.
robin and edwin are electrifying (hehe get it? i am gleefully rubbing my hands together like a gremlin). they compliment each other so well. edwin with his relatively meagre magic who was made to feel like he was never enough, so thumbed down by his own family, only to have robin - sweet golden retriever himbo !! - constantly gaze at him like he’s the actual sun, like he hung the moon, like every bit of magic he produced was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. and yet, still firmly believing that the most magical thing in any room was edwin /himself/, with or without magic.
they spend so much time thinking about how ridiculous it is that they could marvel at each other for days or getting lost in thoughts about what their touch would feel like and i’m just. losing my entire mind !!
(robin blyth and ronan lynch will be battling it out for the title of: biggest hand kink)
and the magic system is spectacular. there’s cradles, leylines, and limited magic that can run out so you have to Think about it - honestly so creative and smart !! the cat’s cradle strings also infuses this book with so much nostalgia that it felt like reuniting with a childhood friend. also the limited magic really emphasizes how brains is just as important that braun, perhaps even more so, and i just- there’s so much to love about it.
i only started dabbling in queer historical fantasy last year but it quickly rocketed into one of my favorite subgenres, and a marvellous light really drives home why there’s a special space for it in my heart. i’ll always love seeing how queer folk have existed before us, how times were different but their love still existed, still blossomed, was still magical. how powerful that love is and how it visibly manifests as the most gorgeous kind of magic. a marvellous light, if you will.
anyway if you need me i’ll be here frothing at the mouth thinking of rolled up sleeves....more
june 2023 reread: it feels weird to officially mark an iksw reread because because i'm constantly rereading this book.
most days i have iksw alreadjune 2023 reread: it feels weird to officially mark an iksw reread because because i'm constantly rereading this book.
most days i have iksw already flipped open for comfort, for when i need to see every part of me reflected back, when i miss home, when i need to taste lime and see light on water.
some days i flip to chloe, an Annoying Girl striving to be the best with boba in hand. we’re both unapologetic monsterfuckers with a bit of a big head. two girls who could use a reminder that just because we carry so much so well, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.
other days i see shara, quite literally in the mirror ever since i went blonde for her. and then coincidentally later pink. i see the poster child held up to unattainably high standards, who has trauma as a result of that. we’re both very Extra and Dramatic. we learn to put our foot down and to stand up.
i flip to georgia, someone who stays behind to make change. because she can take it. because i can take it. to see bravery in a different way.
and earlier this year i planted a crepe myrtle blossom tree in my backyard. i did it for smith, for the identity that i’m still navigating. i flip to smith to feel endless, like holy spirit endless.
in iksw i see younger me—a queer kid in catholic school. i remember forging best friends turned family, existing quietly and keeping each other safe. people who gave me the space to be whoever i needed to be, even if i didn’t know who that was.
i remember the summer sun and sweet tea and long drives scream singing out the window and ditching class for boba and existing in a place that often felt like it didn’t want me, want us. a reminder that i survived it. i made it to the other side.
how wonderful it is that every single day i get to come home to this story, to be reminded that my existence is real and beautiful and something that should be celebrated. a reminder that i’m not alone and i deserve to exist, always and everywhere.
___
may 2022 reread: its kind of funny how i've written a whole ass review for iksw and yet i don't think it even comes close to encompassing how much i found my heart in this book
___
hey siri how do i tattoo this entire book behind my eyelids so i can read it every time i close my eyes !!
✼ thank you to st martins international for sending me an arc of iksw (screams) in exchange for an honest review
i’ve built a home in casey mcquiston’s words.
i built a home in red white & royal blue. meeting alex claremont-diaz made me feel seen like never before; prince henry’s quiet bravery made me feel comfortable in my own skin. i found a family so dear to my heart here with many who cherish rwrb just like i do.
i built a home in one last stop. a love letter to belonging & celebration of the queer community that we surround ourselves with, and those before and after us.
and now: reading i kissed shara wheeler felt like coming home. a home i’ve never been to before, but immediately felt safe, loved, like there was space for me to exist. home to ya, where despite growing up will always be a home. home to a beautiful voice that i recognise and love - casey’s voice. what a wonderful voice to know.
chloe green has spent four years in willowgrove christian academy competing for valedictorian with the perfect prom queen - shara wheeler. when shara vanishes after prom, together with smith (shara’s boyfriend) & rory (shara’s neighbor), chloe follows the clues shara has left for them, determined to find out what happened to the girl she has always said she hated. and what do they have in common? they have all kissed shara wheeler.
in a span one novel, casey has crafted a perfect cast of characters, all of whom i fell in love with & saw a home in. i saw myself in chloe, in shara, in georgia, in rory. and somewhat surprisingly but most importantly, i saw myself in the jock - in smith. how i fell in love with the quarterback, not in the way that i thought i would, but in the way i so desperately needed. and it filled me with such joy and light.
this is exactly why ya will forever be special - i find my own heart in it.
i kissed shara wheeler is a love story.
a love story to the queerness in yourself, how it is real and will always exist regardless of whether you can show it or not. its about the home you make with your queer friend group, how you /see/ each other daily, even in places that refuse to see you. it’s about being proud together, but safely and quietly, protecting each other, and knowing there is a space in the world for you to exist and belong.
a love story to our youth, the friends we make along the way, the friends who have become family. some will leave, some will remain, but everyone has impacted you in one way or another, moulded you into the person you are today. and the good memories, you carry with you forever.
this story takes place in a christian high school, so there’s homophobia and religious trauma but it’s important to this story, exists and is told for a reason. but hey, this is casey’s voice, so you know that you are in good and safe hands. you know you can trust casey with your heart.
as someone who came from a catholic high school, i somehow still look back at it with fond memories. and honestly? it’s the friends, the teachers who turn out to be allies, and how we all kept each other safe, kept each other true. it’s those memories i take from high school.
it’s the car rides with friends as you scream along to songs on the radio, hiding out under the bleachers to escape gym class, passing notes, the silent conversations across the classroom with your best friend because the teacher split you up for never shutting up.
high school showed me that the world is big and life can be scary, but there will always be a safe bubble for you. and if you stick around, the place in which you belong awaits you.
and all that joy and hope for the future? the infinite possibilities that await you? that is i kissed shara wheeler.
content warnings: homophobia, religious homophobia, religious trauma, discussions of racism and misogyny, mentions of past off-page outing of an adult supporting character, threatened outing of supporting character (avoided), underage drinking...more
me: i'll save money and borrow this book from the library instead of buying it
also me: *ends up loving said book so much that i buy my own physical come: i'll save money and borrow this book from the library instead of buying it
also me: *ends up loving said book so much that i buy my own physical copy*
“quiet. blue-green. endless. it fills me up, empties me out. clears out the sludge, the pins and needles, but makes me tense. restless. i open my eyes. find his. adam.”
caleb is your typical high school student, except that he’s also not. he’s an atypical whose power involves extreme empathy. black sludge, red hot anger, all these feelings invade and clash against him and it's a lot. but then he gets pulled into the emotional orbit of adam, the emo kid whose feelings are big and overwhelming. it’s like a storm, an ocean, and it’s all shades of blue. so blue. and he becomes a grounding force for caleb.
hey siri play “colors” by halsey
it’s such a cool concept, i’m still yelling.
the infinite noise is a mashup of everything that makes me weak. it’s a very character-driven story, there’s the gay panic, the italicised “oh”, mixtapes as a love language, the yearning. and in alternating pov just to shove that knife further into your heart!
as it revolves around an empath and adam who struggles with depression (the mental health rep was fantastic by the way), emotions take center stage and y’all. the way lauren shippen describes emotions. *chefs kiss*!! emotions can be confusing and the struggle to pinpoint how we feel, let alone describe it in a way that Makes Sense is real. but lauren shippen actually does it! with colors, textures, and actions, all the emotions feel so tangible and it’s achingly beautiful to see it put to paper, something that you can hold. it feels vast, makes your chest feel empty and yet full. i loved it.
the infinite noise is also based on the bright sessions podcast. i don’t listen to podcasts since my brain turns everything into white noise, but ever since finishing this a couple of days ago, i’ve barrelled through 50 episodes. i’ve laughed, cried, ended up on the floor. and it was delightful. i love caleb and adam’s story and how it became a gateway to other kinds of media that i’ve never wanted to try before.
i borrowed a copy of this book from the library in an attempt to save money but uhh. ended up loving it so much that i had to get my own physical copy bc this bad boy is going straight to the favorites shelf....more
“i think if I gave you my heart, you would treat it tenderly.”
captive prince aka the series that broke my self-impo2023 reread: ao3 time baybee
___
“i think if I gave you my heart, you would treat it tenderly.”
captive prince aka the series that broke my self-imposed book buying ban that lasted a grand total of 11 days!!
disclaimer: this entire review might be extremely unhinged bc this was written impulsively at 2am in a haze of “i’ve been awake for days reading lamen fics to fill the void in my soul and i have Feelings” but we’re going ahead with it anyway!
so captive prince. notorious in the book community and beyond. as most of you might have heard, its contents are heavy and the world building can be difficult to stomach so i’ll start off by saying this - book one can be especially intense (CWs below) although it does get better later on. be gentle with yourself, and take a break whenever needed. this series might not be for everyone and that’s ok! your well-being comes first, take care of yourself.
it’s so hard to unentangle all my thoughts about this book because its so messy. there’s so much going on and the moment you think you’ve figured things out, a truck runs you over. the political machinations! trickery! deceit! the constantly shifting allegiances and relationships - both political and otherwise! layered characters and their gradual unravelling! so many infinitesimal moments! it’s a whole minefield to navigate. c s pacat’s mind is incredible. all i could say at the end of this was: fuck. honestly brilliant!
and at its core you have damen and laurent. a whirlwind within a whirlwind. the most excruciatingly phenomenal slow burn to ever exist, my insides felt like they were being ripped apart and all i can say is thank you more please. laurent’s wicked snark and damen’s kindness. how they were so fundamentally different from one another and yet they filled each other’s blindspots. i am lamen trash with a capital “t”.
thinking of nuances of laurent’s character and trauma i just *gnaws on fist*. the way he built up all those walls to protect himself and how it slowly unravels to reveal a broken boy who thinks himself to be a monster - fuckfuckfuck.
captive prince was the last series I’d imagined lying in a pool of tears over, but there is an ache that runs through all three books that feels like a knife in your chest that turns whenever things shift from angst and turmoil to tenderness and back again. these distinct feelings are captured so perfectly in such an intricately woven web. everything that was said and done felt so subdued and yet amplified at the same time that it sweeps you away. i know i’ll be back with post-it tabs because holy hell.
also i wish i was exaggerating when i say that i had a breakdown in the middle of the ikea foodcourt thinking of their development - both together and also laurent’s specifically - but i am indeed that dramatic bitch and character development is my kryptonite!
tl;dr: i gave this trilogy my heart and it did not treat it tenderly. but also it did? idk its 2am i can’t do this.
(written for my top 10 books of 2021 countdown on bookstagram where the charm offensive is ranked at #2)
earlier this year, i read thBE GAY DO THERAPY
(written for my top 10 books of 2021 countdown on bookstagram where the charm offensive is ranked at #2)
earlier this year, i read the charm offensive in one sitting. then i reread it this month in one go again. i am convinced that this book is so enchanting that it makes time weird. like it literally. obliterates the construct of time.
the charm offensive makes me feel a very specific, abstract way. let me try to verbalise it: it somehow simultaneously feels big and yet small.
big in the sense that it makes you feel infinite. you know that moment in a musical where the music swells and everyone bursts into song and for a moment you feel weightless and effervescent? yes, that. because at its core, charm offensive is an exploration of love. all equally valid and important that it made my heart feel like it was about to burst out of my chest. as if my heart feel too big for my small body, if you will.
it’s an exploration of identity and worth. of learning the power of your voice and how it’s worth being heard. of not making yourself smaller to fit other people’s idea of you, because you matter, even when your brain tells you otherwise.
and yet, the charm offensive feels small - cozy & intimate. the way your heart squeezes with the unbearable relief of being known, seen, accepted, and loved as your authentic self. because this book is devastatingly human, with flawed characters who give pieces of their hearts to those they love. that love is not about changing or fixing someone, but rather, asking how you can help, loving them as they are, and staying.
to find a queer love story with superb mental health rep is something i care about so deeply, so this checks all the boxes for me (cognitive behavioural therapy! my fave therapy approach!). to see such varied yet familiar experiences, to rethink how to approach yourself & others with kindness. how no one is lesser because they are not okay, & asking for help doesn’t mean you’re broken. you’re loveable and deserving of love, the kind of love that you truly want.
and sometimes, choosing happiness means asking for help and letting people in. after all, everyone deserves a happy every after.
___
original review
Un-Follow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be the Only Thing I Talk About For The Next Week. Ive Wanted This For Years Fuck. What The Fuck.
“burning that bright and that fiercely must be exhausting; no one can sustain it forever. charlie wishes he could tell dev it’s okay to flicker out sometimes. it’s okay to tend to his own flame, to keep himself warm. he doesn’t have to be everything for everyone else all the time.”
told in dual pov, the charm offensive is a romcom following: charlie, a disgraced tech wunderkid who joins ever after (a bachelor-style reality dating show) to rehabilitate his public image despite not believing in true love; and dev, a producer on the show who believes in happy endings, even as his own crashes and burns. when dev is assigned as charlie’s handler, they begin to realize that charlie has better chemistry with dev than any contestant.
where do i even begin? i read the entirely of the charm offensive in one sitting (because i have zero chill) and fell in love in a heartbeat.
how could i not? after the candid discussions on mental health, how healing is messy and non-linear, and how seeking help was normalized? after all the late night intimate conversations, stripped down to their barest bones as dev and charlie bared their souls and vulnerabilities to each other? after all of that, it was impossible not to fall in love with dev and charlie and to root for them, both as individuals and together.
the charm offensive is devastatingly human. each character has flaws and bruises on their souls but they so willingly give up pieces of themselves to those they love to try to heal together, and to treat others with the kindness and respect they deserve. characters who understand and love each other so wholeheartedly and intrinsically. how love is conveyed in grand gestures, but also through soft touches, mere looks, taps in morse code, and understanding of one’s most vulnerable and authentic selves.
this is a book about love - romantic, platonic, self love, etc. that it’s all so valid and important. that even with your idiosyncrasies, you deserve love, you deserve to reach out, grab it, and hold on to it. this book also makes it clear that love doesn’t magically fix a person, but it helps them feel seen, heard, and understood, which is so much more powerful.
this book also subverts the reality tv trope and i’ll let you to figure out why but it had me literally screaming and fist pumping along.
i am bound by gr's 5 star rating but please know that i would grab all the stars in the night sky for dev and charlie ✨
cw: depictions of anxiety, panic attacks, depressive episodes, ocd, conversations on mental illness stigmas, alcohol consumption, discussions of alcohol dependency, brief references to homophobia and racism (all challenged), non-explicit sexual content...more
i said “celine you’ve posted about the kingdoms Too Many times babe it’s time to shut up.”
but y’know wi told myself i wouldn’t be dramatic about this.
i said “celine you’ve posted about the kingdoms Too Many times babe it’s time to shut up.”
but y’know what? today marks one whole year since i first read the kingdoms so i'm going to be fucking dramatic about it.
(before i get dramatic i want to highlight how my first reaction to this book was < “i’m ugly and poor” me too, kite, me too > because like. lmao mood.)
the question is: when am i /not/ thinking about this book. i think about it whenever i’m lying in bed at night, when i look at all the kingdoms art my best friends have made, whenever i hike to lighthouses just to feel alive. i constantly put on my kingdoms playlist and just. try not to evaporate from feelings.
there is just so much i could say about the kingdoms. little things like “hey did you know that there was a point where i almost gave this book 4 stars out of sheer spite because how dare natasha pulley hurt me like this”.
or other things like: i’d like to think i’ve etched this book into my bones. i’ve turned over every line and word, playing it over and over again. my copy is tabbed to hell and back. i could recognise this story anywhere, in any shape and form. i've hurt myself a thousand times in the process and then stitched it back together like a fragile cloak.
i think about how delicate this story is, how intimate every single scene is because it’s like a ghost, like sea mist. blink and you miss it. something that can’t last and may get ripped away anytime, like fading into nothingness.
i also think about how this book has chaos and tragedy and the senselessness of war, how much trauma we get put through and how fragile every existence is. and yet there is so much tenderness.
i think about how missouri kite is a walking open wound, how it feels to look at the love of your fucking life and be met by honest incomprehension. how they do this dance of finding and losing each other again and again. and ultimately, how hopeful it is that this terrible and insistent love rises out of it, against all odds.
(also sorry to everyone i gaslit while reading this but sorry not sorry)
___
hey siri play that voice recording of me wailing my lungs out at 1am
(written for my top 10 books of 2021 countdown on bookstagram where it's ranked at #3)
this year i discovered the voice of natasha pulley and oh goodness, what an enchanting voice to know. singing a siren song, spinning a rich golden tale, an undercurrent of tender magic wrapping around and pulling you under. where has this been all my life?
so: the kingdoms. it has my entire heart, this was an experience unlike any other - literally Changed Me. i truly wonder if i’ll ever experience a book like this ever again.
nothing draws me more to a book than one that can make me /feel/. pulley went above and beyond that, making me feel a symphony of emotion. she wrapped her hand around my heart and yanked.
amnesia storylines hurt, but this one felt like it was on a whole other level. groundbreaking honestly. the whole idea of feeling as though someone somewhere is calling for you, someone who knows you so intimately, almost touching their fingertips, and then it slips out of your grasp? B R U H.
the thing is, pulley doesn’t write romance per se: she writes books about love. at its core, everything that happens is because of the love that the characters have for each other. the whole idea of how home is a person, that soft but intense yearning. the epitome of fist fighting fate for a shot at reuniting with your person.
“i’ve missed you even when i didn't remember you” a line that haunts me daily. with every iteration of heartbreak, its countered by love. a love so strong that it defies the logic of space, time, and physics. of literally walking to the end of the earth and back to return home to someone. a magnetic pull between two people that literally changes the world, changes history.
or maybe the sands of time are too powerful and love will slip through your fingers each time you think you’ve finally grasped it? maybe you should read the kingdoms and find out :’)
“come home, if you remember.”
___
(initial review)
“he hadn’t imagined to, but all the way home, like an idiot, he’d been stitching a fragile cloak of half-imagined hope, barely with the substance of thule but there all the same. trying on hopes like what was no better than playing dress-up with her clothes.”
*gunshot noise*
wait, let me go back. its 1898. joe tournier steps off a train in london with no recollection of who he is or how he got there. the only clue is an old postcard of a lighthouse in his pocket saying “come home, if you remember”, signed by “M” (haha o fuck i am already tearing up while typing this). though his memory escapes him, he has flashes of a life he can’t remember and of a world that never existed.
till today, i haven’t fully processed this book. maybe i never will. i finished it, sobbed so hard my folks came in to check on me, took an avoidant nap, woke up, looked for fanart, cried some more, and then bought a copy for the favorites shelf. after that i drove across the country to a lighthouse to bring joe and M back home.
i literally. can’t stop thinking about it.
the kingdoms is soft gay magical realism at its finest. its woven with magic. magic that seeps through each word, wrapping around you. magic that wraps around elements of time travel and mysteries, guns and ships and sacrifice.
its about history. changing history - is love strong enough to rewrite history, is it stronger than the laws of space and time? can you defy history and change the world to stay with someone you love? or does history soldier on, pulling love apart?
there will come a moment where you, the reader, will experience your own italicized “oh” moment of realisation of exactly What Has Happened. and you may experience a genuine physical reaction but please trust me when i say that it is entirely worth it.
time travel books can be complicated, especially when mixed with historical aspects. but i think i got the most of it? the power of intense yearning probably imparted me with extra brain cells. or maybe i did actually misread all the timelines because my vision was so blurry from all the fuckin tears!
anyway. *whispers softly but with feeling* i will never fucking emotionally recover from this
my heart has been obliterated but at what cost
___
*pre-read thoughts* i would like for my heart to get eviscerated...more
2022 reread: "cel why are you doing this again?" well firstly, i like to suffer
___
(original review)
oh boy how do i talk about this book without spoilin2022 reread: "cel why are you doing this again?" well firstly, i like to suffer
___
(original review)
oh boy how do i talk about this book without spoiling it but i will try!
we first meet ambrose as he awakens on the coordinated endeavor, a spaceship on course to saturn’s moon - titan - where his sister awaits his rescue. he has no recollection of the spaceship’s launch, however, and he soon learns from the ship’s operating system that there’s someone else on board with him - kodiak, a spacefarer from a rival country. things aren’t at all as they seem, though.
so i don’t read a lot of sci-fi. i enjoy it but with the world building and complicated words that sound like static in my head, i don’t often have the cognitive capacity for it. but every once in a while, a book like the darkness outside us comes along, demands to be read, and leaves you feeling a little bit empty, a little bit weird, and very contemplative.
this was the most breaktaking sci-fi book i’ve read. it’s introspective, thrilling, and very queer. it’s about love that perseveres in spite of true loneliness. that transcends space and time through desperation and unimaginable grief. that remains tender, even when when circumstances threaten to make you harsh.
but beyond that, it’s an exploration of the expanse of the human heart, the human experience, and all it’s capable of. it asks you: what does it mean to live? to love? (clearly not laugh bc i did a lot of crying in this one) what does it mean to exist?
are you alive?
i love stories that make me think about what it means to be human. to *feel* human. when everything is stripped down to its bare bones - just two people and an infinite nothingness, what is connection? what is intimacy? is there a reason for anything at all?
and by now you might have accurately guessed that this book might trigger an existential crisis. it did for me. it put me in the fetal position and i had to take a nap after finishing this book. it also gave me intense emotional whiplash - from laughing one moment, to full on sobbing, to feeling strange and staring at the ceiling. i love that for me.
all that to say - *clenches fist* i’m pretty sure this is one of my fave reads of the year.
circling back, it’s difficult to talk about this book without spoiling it, and its best experienced blind so I will stop here. i’ll leave it for you to discover if you do read this book. i hope you do.
the space gays are really out here delivering.
___
(top 10 books of 2021 countdown: #1)
“the feeling has been there the whole time in the darkness, like a pilot light that’s always been flickering inside me: i will fight to live.”
(written for my top 10 books of 2021 countdown on bookstagram where the darkness outside us is ranked at #1)
at the end of each year, i rank my top 10 books. for weeks, i struggled with the list. where should this book go? shall i bump that book up a rank? but one thing i had no question about, knew right from the start: the darkness outside us is my favorite book of 2021.
how do i talk about a book that has obliterated my capacity for language?
for months after finishing tdou, i searched for words to convey the extent of my love for it, to do justice to how deeply kodiak and ambrose have burrowed into my heart. how i did not anticipate for this book to impact me so deeply but not a day goes by where i don’t think about it. and yet, only elevator music.
i’ve talked about how sci-fi scares me. world building threatens my two brain cells. so if you think about it, tdou should not be my top book.
but it is.
to describe this book in a word: breathtaking.
breathtaking how perfectly eliot schrefer has crafted this book. just two boys on a spaceship with a deep sense of unease - a seemingly simple plot that ends up being so heartbreakingly thrilling. both epic & intimate; speculative & achingly familiar.
breathtaking in its exploration of the expanse of the human experience. are you alive? what is living? how vast the universe is that nowhere is truly empty and yet how much fight we have even when surrounded by darkness. fucking extraordinary.
also, the expanse of the human heart. the story of kodiak and ambrose is one that is so deeply ingrained in my head and heart. how this is a sci-fi story but they are the brightly burning star at its core. so much happens because of this love that spans space and time, that holds on so tightly, that says “we will find each other again and again”.
how the human heart perseveres in spite of true loneliness, desperation, unimaginable grief, and has the capacity to remain tender even in the harshest circumstances.
and also quite literally. breathtaking. so often i would be mid-sentence, going about my silly little life, and then kodiak and ambrose would pop into my head asking whether i am truly alive and then “oh no i can’t breathe i must lie down”
the darkness outside us was a monumental part of my year (shoutout to the week long existential crisis!). it is bonkers and fucking anguish, but also incredibly hopeful and beautiful. i didn’t even know i was looking for it, but now its my everything.
___
*post-book thoughts*
i must lie down and have an existential crisis now thanks...more
you know that tingle that runs up your arms when you step into a cozy coffeeshop in the dead of winter and finally wrap your hands around a steaming hyou know that tingle that runs up your arms when you step into a cozy coffeeshop in the dead of winter and finally wrap your hands around a steaming hot mug of cocoa? that's this book....more
(written for my top 10 books of 2021 countdown on bookstagram where it's ranked at #4)
series closers always frighten me. thinking back to when the rav(written for my top 10 books of 2021 countdown on bookstagram where it's ranked at #4)
series closers always frighten me. thinking back to when the raven cycle ended and i cried on and off for a week (still do now), and how i’m still actively procrastinating reading bronzed beasts and cry wolf. stepping into the unknown is scary. its tough to say goodbye to a place where you’ve built a home for your heart, isn’t it?
i expected the same from the closing of the simon snow series and of course it hurt. not to be Dramatic but snowbaz is my life source, the chicken soup for my soul. but beyond that, i was left with an overwhelming sense of love and warmth.
we started with an ending and now we end with a beginning. of new hopes and possibilities. more adventures, more tears, more banter, more communication (finally some good! fuckin! food!). we started with a book about magic and ended with a book about people. so to sum up awtwb with one word - perfect.
the series might be over, but we carry simon, baz, and the watford gang with us, in part because of how well so many of us /know/ them. we saw them through their journey, we know that they’ll be alright after waving goodbye. and so will we.
hey simon, hey baz, i had the time of my life falling in love with you.
also there's a line i removed from my original review because i exceeded the word limit by leaps and bounds, so i will say this now: awtwb is basically a book about kink negotiation in this essay i–
___
dec 2021 reread: yes this is my third time rereading don't worry about it
“is this what people do? get as close as they can and then push closer? burn each other’s faces into their eyelids? let each other into every gap? and then what? then just tomorrow, and more?”
its been over a month since i read any way the wind blows and i still don’t quite know where to begin. but let’s try with 2015.
in 2015, i first read carry on and fell in love with simon and baz. young cel built a home in those pages. a constant reread with my comfort characters living within, i loved them so much i would have hung the moon and stars for them.
and then wayward son came along. a book that i didn’t expect would happen. didn’t quite dare to dream of. but it did and i ended up having a weird relationship with it. i loved it and its exploration of trauma, it made me feel seen and i cried reading parts of it. but god i have wayward son ptsd and never reread it since because of how much it felt like a knife to the heart. too beautiful, too real.
(mild awtwb spoilers from here on but mostly feelings!!)
any way the wind blows feels like an ending because technically, it is. i, like many of us, am usually weary of change, of what comes next, of leaving a place or a book that i’ve grown to be comfortable with and stepping into the unknown.
there were chapters that broke me, and then held me and put me back together. i cried very hard through most of it. its very character driven, so there was lots of talking about their feelings. like actual talking which is one of my favorite things. the love. the longing. the aching. how it starts at the ending but they’ve been there all along.
so many lines live rent free in my head now. *chefs kiss* delicious. so many lines that I just had to pause to process, to sit with my feelings for a while. how real they sounded, how tender it was.
all the little callbacks to the previous books, i think they hit the hardest for me. so did the revisiting of watford - a place that very much belongs to simon and baz, where their story first began. in some ways, awtwb felt like a love story to carry on.
circling back, i was scared to say goodbye to the watford gang. but what i now know is it it also feels like a beginning with new hopes and possibilities. more adventures, more tears, more joy, and i think we’re going to be alright.
6 years later, as any way the wind blows closes out the simon snow trilogy, i feel like simon and baz hung the moon and stars for me. and i thank them for it.
"this is what people do. they get close and try to stay there. they stay."
___
rtc if i ever stop crying over this which is probably never
___
*pre-read thoughts*
this book isn't even out yet and its already emotionally damaging me...more
dec 2021 reread: jane su if you read this im free on thursday night and would like to hang out. please respond to this and then hang out with me on thdec 2021 reread: jane su if you read this im free on thursday night and would like to hang out. please respond to this and then hang out with me on thursday night when i’m free.
rtc when I finally stop spontaneously bursting into tears...more
“why do you have to prove anything to anyone?” “it's just how it is, how it's always been. in order for them to let me be a brujo-“ “you don't need a
“why do you have to prove anything to anyone?” “it's just how it is, how it's always been. in order for them to let me be a brujo-“ “you don't need anyone's permission to be you, yads.”
what do you do when you try to summon the ghost of your cousin to prove that you are a real brujo, but accidentally summon the wrong ghost and perhaps maybe start to fall in love with said wrong ghost?
what a fucking delight!!! all of it! learning about the latinx culture, dia de los muertos, and its rich and vibrant history. i loved the characters so much and i will scream that with my whole chest. brave and earnest yadriel, with his heart of gold. fiery and badass maritza who chooses to forge her own path her way. and then you have our chaotic ghost julian, the literal embodiment of the sun. i fell in love with him alongside yadriel. he hasn’t been dealt with life’s best cards and yet he loves and protects his friends and family with all he’s got. he wears his heart on his sleeve and is so fiercely loyal and passionate and here he is, rocketing into my list of favourite characters.
i really enjoyed how this book ventured into the territory where it addressed yadriel’s navigation of his conflicting feelings towards his family. his family embraces him and claims to accept him but at the same time, throwaway comments feel like they are pushing his true self away. the constant push and pull mixed with warring feelings of love yet hurt despite wanting to belong to one’s family is very complex to navigate, but it’s something that u think many of us can relate to.
yadriel is also the first character i met who wears a binder and that was really important. it highlights how there is no fixed blueprint of what constitutes being trans. trans people are diverse and they are all equally beautiful and valid. trans voices are important.
my heart felt so warm and hopeful throughout this book. maybe its about ghosts but i have never felt more alive. i also cried a few times but no one is surprised.
cel ✼ readwithcel
>
Books:
favorites
(28)
Loading...
