Dark Humor Quotes

“(Eve)"Hold on. You have to give them a gift for moving?"
"Uh-huh. Plus they're shacking, so it should be a couple thing." She (Mavis) ate another canape, fed on to Leonardo.
"Why does there have to be a gift for every damn thing?" Eve complained.
"Retail conspiracy." Roarke patter her knee.
"I bet it is," Eve said darkly. "I just bet it is.”
― J.D. Robb, Visions in Death

“Everything's just fucking Disney with you.”
― Nenia Campbell, Horrorscape

“You are fifty different kinds of twisted."

"Only fifty? Val, you wound me.”
― Nenia Campbell, Horrorscape

“A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?"

"Fuck you."

Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close.”
― C.J. Roberts, Captive in the Dark

“...do you have someone you can stay with? Hell, stay with your mother. The Pentagon doesn’t have the security system she’s got.”

I really would rather die. “I’m not putting my mother in the path of a serial killer. Thanks for the thought.”

“God help the serial killer who tackles your mother,” Riordan muttered.”
― Josh Lanyon, Fatal Shadows

“Never a good sign, he thought, when the crows showed up.”
― Justin Cronin, The Twelve

“He sits next to me, careful to avoid my hair that's splayed out around my head like blood. A bullet to the forehead, boom, blond waves everywhere.”
― Lauren DeStefano, Sever

“Don't tell me it's going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker's pinata!”
― Nenia Campbell, Terrorscape

“You are so beautiful, I could eat you,” he said.
And it was true. Her smile was as intoxicating as the wine.
And he could eat her.”
― Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths

“The Baudelaire orphans hung on to one another, and wept and wept while the adults argued endlessly behind them. Finally-as, I'm sorry to say, Count Olaf forced the Quagmires into puppy costumes so he could sneak them onto the airplane without anyone noticing-the Baudelaires cried themselves out and just sat on the lawn together in weary silence.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy

“Today’s generation didn’t want to watch ancient actors reciting the same tired lines. They wanted to see themselves reflected onscreen –rude, raw, entitled. These kids needed to believe that they themselves were only one daring, controversial act away from being up on that screen themselves. ”
― Melissa Jo Peltier, Reality Boulevard

“In the beginning there was Logos...and God of course. And it was all extremely boring for Logos because he could never beat God at any game...”
― Yannis Karatsioris, The Book of the Forsaken

“Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.”
― Melissa Jo Peltier, Reality Boulevard

“Brower was as courageous a criminal as ever lived to be hanged.”
― Ambrose Bierce An Arrest

“Terry loved candlelight dinners and red wine. It was a nice contrast from work.
And killing people.”
― Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths

“Give the wilding an axe, why not?" He pointed out Mormont's weapon, a short-hafted battle-axe with gold scrollwork inlaid on the black steel blade. "He'll give it back, I vow. Buried in the Old Bear's skull, like as not. why not give him all our axes, and our swords as well? I mislike the way the clank and rattle as we ride. We'd travel faster without them, straight to hell's door. Does it rain in hell, I wonder? Perhaps Craster would like a nice hat instead."
Jon smiled. "He wants an axe. And wine as well."
"See, the Old Bear's clever. If we get the wildling well and truly drunk, perhaps he'll only cut off an ear when he tries to slay us with that axe. I have two ears but only one head.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

“From his vantage, three steps back and to the right, Tallow could see Rosato's eye a good five inches outside Rosato's head and still attached to his eye socket by a mess of red worms. In that single second, Tallow abstractedly realized that in his last moment of life, James Rosato could see his killer from two different angles.”
― Warren Ellis, Gun Machine

“You sick bastard,” she said.
“Yes, I guess you could call me that." Terry replied.”
― Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths

“Moreover, man carries in his heart the desire always to wield his scientific knowledge in service of the greater good. He would of course never use it for destructive purposes. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ...”
― Jacques Tardi, The Arctic Marauder

“Let’s be honest, Mr. Ravenwood. You have no place in this town. You are not part of it and clearly, neither is your niece. I don’t think you are in any position to make demands.”

“Mrs. Lincoln, I appreciate your candor, and I will try to be as frank with you as you have been with me. It would be a grave error for you, for anyone in this town, really, to pursue this matter. You see, I have a great deal of means. I’m a bit of a spendthrift, if you will. If you try to prevent my niece from returning to Stonewall Jackson High School, I will be forced to spend some of that money. Who knows, perhaps I’ll bring in a Wal-Mart.”

There was another gasp from the bleachers.

“Is that a threat?”

“Not at all.”
― Kami Garcia

“Lastly, say to me, if you can, with feelings as tender as mine for you: my dear Beelzebub, I adore you...”
― Jacques Cazotte, The Devil in Love

“AK 47, is perfect copy, yes? Every detail. Like real thing. Yes. Kalashnikov. Your boy, he be happy for Uncle Sante, no?”
“I’m sorry, Sante. It’s really nice of you, but I don’t want Sofus playing with guns.”


Conversation between George Hanson and Sante
In The Shadow of Sadd”
― Steen Langstrup, In The Shadow of Sadd

“If you believe in the eighteenth century view of the mind, you will look and act wimpy. You will think that all you need to do is give people the facts and the figures and they will reach the right conclusion. You will think that all you need to do is point out where their interests lie, and they will act politically to maximize them. You will believe in polling and focus groups: you will believe that if you ask people what their interests are, they will be aware of them and will tell you, and will vote on it. You will not have any need to appeal to emotion---indeed, to do so would be wrong! You will not have to speak of values; facts and figures will suffice. You will not have to change people's brains; their reason should be enough. You will not have to frame the facts; they will speak for themselves. You just have to get the facts to them...”
― George Lakoff, Don't Think of an Elephant! Know Your Values and Frame the Debate: The Essential Guide for Progressives

“He was a strange mix of Heinrich Himmler and Barney the Dinosaur.”
― Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths

“You have really nice teeth,” Terry said and thought they could be excellent for his collection of human body parts.”
― Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths

“I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.”
― Laurie Notaro, It Looked Different on the Model: Epic Tales of Impending Shame and Infamy

“I have not looked at Carlos since the meeting...Being around him is like walking around with the flu...The need to lie down in a darkened room and let my hatred of him run through me is almost insurmountable.”
― Kathleen Maher, Diary of a Heretic

“The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.”
― Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths

“It was a state of aloneness. It was the kind of place that started shooting political prisoners because it suspected that they would enjoy solitary confinement and internal exile too much.”
― Will Wiles, Care of Wooden Floors

“I guess all my afternoon beers and burgers were catching up with me, which made me want to scream THEN WHY NOT MY HAIR!?”
― Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths