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Like Family: Growing Up in Other People's Houses
The first book by the author of the New York Times bestseller The Paris Wife is a powerful and haunting memoir of the years she and her two sisters spent as foster children. In the early 70s, after being abandoned by both parents, the girls were made wards of the Fresno County, California court and spent the next 14 years-in a series of adoptive homes. The dislocations, confusions, and odd pleasures of an unrooted life form the basis of one of the most compelling memoirs in recent years--a book the tradition of Jo Ann Beard's Boys of My Youth and Mary Karr'sThe Liar's Club.
McLain's beautiful writing and limber voice capture the intense loneliness, sadness, and determination of a young girl both on her own and responsible, with her siblings, for staying together as a family.
240 pages, Hardcover
First published May 5, 2004
About the author
Paula McLain
19 books5,768 followersPaula McLain is the author of the New York Times and internationally bestselling novels, The Paris Wife, Circling the Sun and Love and Ruin. Now she introduces When the Stars Go Dark (April 13, 2021), an atmospheric novel of intertwined destinies and heart-wrenching suspense. She received an MFA in poetry from the University of Michigan in 1996, and is also the author of two collections of poetry, the memoir Like Family: Growing Up in Other People's Houses, and the debut novel, A Ticket to Ride. Her work has has appeared in The New York Times, Real Simple, Town & Country, The Guardian, Huffington Post, Good Housekeeping, and elsewhere. She lives with her family in Cleveland, Ohio.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 230 reviews
May 13, 2013
I couldn't disagree more with the readers who gave this book a low rating because it was "flat". This is real life, this isn't a soap opera. You're talking about a girl who spent most of her childhood being shuffled from one house to the next. Of course she's detached from the story, it's a defense mechanism. Obviously those readers don't understand the attachment issues foster kids have, especially the ones that age out of the system.
As a reader, I myself felt detached from the story. While I am usually very emotional when reading, I only cried once during the book. However, then I got to the end. I closed the book, and I cried. I cried realizing that she will never be able to just "get over" all the terrible things she went through. I cried knowing that she will never find closure because her past is still very much her present. I cried knowing that even if she ever asked her mom all those questions that were left unanswered, it wouldn't make a difference. There's no answer her mom could give her to make the scars go away. Nothing she could say that would make her childhood any less traumatic.
It's stories like this that have led my husband and I to start our lives as foster parents. No child should ever go through life feeling like they don't belong to anyone, or feeling unloved. Regardless if we have a child in our house for a month, a year, or forever, we will love them as our own. Giving a child that sense of peace and security when their whole world has been turned upside down can make all the difference. I only wish there were more foster parents out there who were doing it for the right reasons.
As a reader, I myself felt detached from the story. While I am usually very emotional when reading, I only cried once during the book. However, then I got to the end. I closed the book, and I cried. I cried realizing that she will never be able to just "get over" all the terrible things she went through. I cried knowing that she will never find closure because her past is still very much her present. I cried knowing that even if she ever asked her mom all those questions that were left unanswered, it wouldn't make a difference. There's no answer her mom could give her to make the scars go away. Nothing she could say that would make her childhood any less traumatic.
It's stories like this that have led my husband and I to start our lives as foster parents. No child should ever go through life feeling like they don't belong to anyone, or feeling unloved. Regardless if we have a child in our house for a month, a year, or forever, we will love them as our own. Giving a child that sense of peace and security when their whole world has been turned upside down can make all the difference. I only wish there were more foster parents out there who were doing it for the right reasons.
August 9, 2016
"I did try to write my story as fiction very early on, years ago, when I was still in graduate school, but it just wasn't coming together that way....I didn't know why then, but now I think that even though I was terrified (am terrified still) of exposing many of these memories and exposing myself at large, I wanted to own my experience." Bravo! Yes!
Writing your story, especially when it involves such a traumatic childhood, takes an incredible amount courage and emotional strength. I was never able to do it.
I cannot say how much this story, your life and your survival, meant to me. I am always looking for memoirs that demonstrate personal resilience because when someone comments, "Wow! I can't believe you went through that" followed immediately by "but you seem so normal" it makes it hard to understand why. Why me? How did I get here and how am I sane?
Thank you for sharing your life with the world and giving hope to those who feel hopeless.
Writing your story, especially when it involves such a traumatic childhood, takes an incredible amount courage and emotional strength. I was never able to do it.
I cannot say how much this story, your life and your survival, meant to me. I am always looking for memoirs that demonstrate personal resilience because when someone comments, "Wow! I can't believe you went through that" followed immediately by "but you seem so normal" it makes it hard to understand why. Why me? How did I get here and how am I sane?
Thank you for sharing your life with the world and giving hope to those who feel hopeless.
January 1, 2016
What constitutes a family? Biological connections that are severed early on? Or the strangers who provide a kind of care for years, with no connection other than the physical proximity of living in the same house?
The author describes her journey through the foster care system in Fresno County in the 1970s and 1980s, and as she mentioned streets and places within the city and its surrounding areas, it all resonated with me. I had spent almost those same years as a social worker for Fresno County, and while I had not crossed paths with her or her sisters, Teresa and Penny, I could relate to much of what she wrote. However, my perspective came from the “other side” of the story. The side that represented the system, which I can readily acknowledge to be broken. Or at least severely damaged.
I had heard similar stories from the children in care, but in this author’s case, she kept most things secret. She did mention telling a neighbor some of her experiences, only to be dismissed.
As the years passed, there were good times for the sisters, and there were seemingly ordinary coming-of-age moments, but the lack of an emotional connection to a parent was keenly absent.
The sisters did share a strong bond with each other that lasted through their time in care…and afterwards, when they finally reconnected with their biological mother. But again, physical proximity seemed to be the main connection between the long absent mother and the sisters.
Like Family was an all too familiar tale to those of us who have worked in the system. Reading this story from a real life “graduate” of that system was inspirational. It is a testament to the author’s strength and resilience that she made it through to the other side, and can now share what she has learned along the way. 5 stars.
The author describes her journey through the foster care system in Fresno County in the 1970s and 1980s, and as she mentioned streets and places within the city and its surrounding areas, it all resonated with me. I had spent almost those same years as a social worker for Fresno County, and while I had not crossed paths with her or her sisters, Teresa and Penny, I could relate to much of what she wrote. However, my perspective came from the “other side” of the story. The side that represented the system, which I can readily acknowledge to be broken. Or at least severely damaged.
I had heard similar stories from the children in care, but in this author’s case, she kept most things secret. She did mention telling a neighbor some of her experiences, only to be dismissed.
As the years passed, there were good times for the sisters, and there were seemingly ordinary coming-of-age moments, but the lack of an emotional connection to a parent was keenly absent.
The sisters did share a strong bond with each other that lasted through their time in care…and afterwards, when they finally reconnected with their biological mother. But again, physical proximity seemed to be the main connection between the long absent mother and the sisters.
Like Family was an all too familiar tale to those of us who have worked in the system. Reading this story from a real life “graduate” of that system was inspirational. It is a testament to the author’s strength and resilience that she made it through to the other side, and can now share what she has learned along the way. 5 stars.
Shelved as 'abandoned'
February 22, 2024Read through page 62.
I saw this memoir had been criticized for lack of emotion and insight, but figured I’d give it a try anyway because a skilled author can deploy emotion subtly—Dog Flowers is a good example of a memoir about a chaotic childhood that does this well. Sadly, with this particular book I wound up agreeing with the critics.
You can tell the author went through an MFA program, even though the writing style is fairly plain, because a huge amount of the text consists of just descriptions of things, mostly highly detailed visuals of people’s clothing, grooming, mannerisms, and home décor. Keep in mind the author was 6-8 years old at the time of these observations and writing about them 30 years later. There is no way she remembered all this stuff, and you can tell she took imaginative license in other ways as well. In all, I can see why she found far more success as an author of trendy historical fiction than as a memoirist.
I saw this memoir had been criticized for lack of emotion and insight, but figured I’d give it a try anyway because a skilled author can deploy emotion subtly—Dog Flowers is a good example of a memoir about a chaotic childhood that does this well. Sadly, with this particular book I wound up agreeing with the critics.
You can tell the author went through an MFA program, even though the writing style is fairly plain, because a huge amount of the text consists of just descriptions of things, mostly highly detailed visuals of people’s clothing, grooming, mannerisms, and home décor. Keep in mind the author was 6-8 years old at the time of these observations and writing about them 30 years later. There is no way she remembered all this stuff, and you can tell she took imaginative license in other ways as well. In all, I can see why she found far more success as an author of trendy historical fiction than as a memoirist.
August 1, 2008
This book is lacking a lot, but it is a worthy read because it is a good story. I like to read stories about foster care victims, because I aspire to being a foster parent. I can certainly learn from the coldness of her foster parents. What makes the book only so-so is the author's lack of insight. For a self-proclaimed poet she lacks depth. Description worth reading is lacking, characters are flat, locations are fuzzy, time is rigid. Not well written, not a fantastic story, not reflective enough to be a useful memoir...but, it was an okay read.
November 7, 2012
"For 14 years, Paula McLain endured a chaotic life of impermanence..." (book jacket)
"...nearly 15 years of shuttling between foster homes like a water bug between floating leaves and garbage." (p. 229) But what's the first part of that sentence? "I was 19 years old when I left the Lindberghs, ending nearly 11 years with them."
How is 11 years with one foster family, through to age 19, "a chaotic life of impermanence" or "15 years of shuttling"?
Not quite what it's made out to be at all. Paula and her 2 sisters were kept together through their years in the foster system. They continued to see their grandmother and cousins (less so in their teen years--though she blames the 3 girls themselves. They made good school friends they continued to see after aging out. A foster sister she did see after the Lindberghs died (did that relationship continue? She doesn't say.)
Yes, their was abuse and neglect and confusion and rebellion. I did not find it to be a whole lot different than many teens experience in their blood families. I think this book actually portrays the Fresno County foster system in a good light.
"...nearly 15 years of shuttling between foster homes like a water bug between floating leaves and garbage." (p. 229) But what's the first part of that sentence? "I was 19 years old when I left the Lindberghs, ending nearly 11 years with them."
How is 11 years with one foster family, through to age 19, "a chaotic life of impermanence" or "15 years of shuttling"?
Not quite what it's made out to be at all. Paula and her 2 sisters were kept together through their years in the foster system. They continued to see their grandmother and cousins (less so in their teen years--though she blames the 3 girls themselves. They made good school friends they continued to see after aging out. A foster sister she did see after the Lindberghs died (did that relationship continue? She doesn't say.)
Yes, their was abuse and neglect and confusion and rebellion. I did not find it to be a whole lot different than many teens experience in their blood families. I think this book actually portrays the Fresno County foster system in a good light.
November 18, 2018
The story is one I've heard too may times, of neglect and then abuse and then poor choices made behind a lack of stability or even of interest...
My problem with this book is that it shows the utter lack of participation of the System, where kids are supposed to be seen by the social worker or by individual therapists on a regular basis. How did no one ask about sexual abuse or physical abuse, or why did the writer not explore why kids don't tell about those things? I once listened as a young teen discussed her regret that she had told about her dad sexually abusing her because in Foster she was abused by another kid, by the son of a foster parent, and by a parent at still another location. At least, she said, her dad liked her.
As foster stories go, this girl got off lightly because most parents can't meet the needs of the kids, or the kids can't meet the needs of the parents, and rehoming is constant. She had a bike and a horse and a camping trip and more than a decade with her last family.
I wasn't clear what the writer was trying to accomplish in her narrative. An expose of the foster parents' motives and skills? A coming-of-age story among the disenfranchised? An exploration of the causes and conditions in her early life that still caused her to twitch as an adult? The story hopped about, and occasionally characters seemed to just fade away, especially her younger sister, who moved into people-pleasing and then.... oh, affairs with Daddy figures.
Paula did seem to be a member of that final home. Pity it was as damaged as her original home.
My concern with this book was of the generally colorless writing style, the lack of emotion, the lack of insight on the part of the writer, and of her inability to use any of the things she's experienced to make herself a healthier adult. Then I realized that the defensiveness and fear about her being accepted and love are not things she has processed yet. I kept thinking, "She says she's a poet now, but the writing is so bereft..." And maybe that's it: when one spends so much time judging the world as accepting/rejecting perhaps there just isn't any psychic energy left over to look at oneself and ask what is working and what needs to be let go of. I think I survived my childhood, but then again I spent the past ten days working on a project that comes right out of those experiences and that all my current experiences should tell me I didn't need to do. I will have to think about this.
My problem with this book is that it shows the utter lack of participation of the System, where kids are supposed to be seen by the social worker or by individual therapists on a regular basis. How did no one ask about sexual abuse or physical abuse, or why did the writer not explore why kids don't tell about those things? I once listened as a young teen discussed her regret that she had told about her dad sexually abusing her because in Foster she was abused by another kid, by the son of a foster parent, and by a parent at still another location. At least, she said, her dad liked her.
As foster stories go, this girl got off lightly because most parents can't meet the needs of the kids, or the kids can't meet the needs of the parents, and rehoming is constant. She had a bike and a horse and a camping trip and more than a decade with her last family.
I wasn't clear what the writer was trying to accomplish in her narrative. An expose of the foster parents' motives and skills? A coming-of-age story among the disenfranchised? An exploration of the causes and conditions in her early life that still caused her to twitch as an adult? The story hopped about, and occasionally characters seemed to just fade away, especially her younger sister, who moved into people-pleasing and then.... oh, affairs with Daddy figures.
Paula did seem to be a member of that final home. Pity it was as damaged as her original home.
My concern with this book was of the generally colorless writing style, the lack of emotion, the lack of insight on the part of the writer, and of her inability to use any of the things she's experienced to make herself a healthier adult. Then I realized that the defensiveness and fear about her being accepted and love are not things she has processed yet. I kept thinking, "She says she's a poet now, but the writing is so bereft..." And maybe that's it: when one spends so much time judging the world as accepting/rejecting perhaps there just isn't any psychic energy left over to look at oneself and ask what is working and what needs to be let go of. I think I survived my childhood, but then again I spent the past ten days working on a project that comes right out of those experiences and that all my current experiences should tell me I didn't need to do. I will have to think about this.
March 20, 2023
Reading memoirs is something that I am compulsively drawn to and i think that it is simply because I am searching for answers to my own upbringing. I found that I mostly enjoyed this one, though I could have done without the details about the copious sexual experience or exploration. I truthfully do not enjoy reading about such a private matter, perhaps I am too old fashioned.
I found that some reviewers were a bit harsh and based their rating on how little the author was able to understand her birth and foster parents. I simply feel that relationships are far too complicated and not being able to have answers for yourself much less for your reader would be unfair. I did however felt that I would have liked to get more of the emotional landscape of the author. At times, I could grasp what she was conveying and at other times, the events were simply facts with little emotion. All in all, this book is worth the effort.
I found that some reviewers were a bit harsh and based their rating on how little the author was able to understand her birth and foster parents. I simply feel that relationships are far too complicated and not being able to have answers for yourself much less for your reader would be unfair. I did however felt that I would have liked to get more of the emotional landscape of the author. At times, I could grasp what she was conveying and at other times, the events were simply facts with little emotion. All in all, this book is worth the effort.
November 16, 2015
This is a brutally honest, splendidly told memoir of a young girl who grew up in a series of foster homes after her mother went to the movies and didn't come back for 16 years. That abandoned girl grew up to be a best-selling writer of fiction and poetry.
McLain's mastery of fluid storytelling is enhanced here by her knack for remembering the most minute details. She recalls the perceptions of her youth with such precision that all readers, regardless of background, will be immediately transported back to their own childhood thoughts and anxieties.
Although much of her story is heartbreaking, McLain does not dwell in either sorrow or sentimentality. The narrative is simultaneously regretful and nostalgic, doubtful and determined...tragic and hopeful. In other words, McClain's story is both unique and universal, the perfect combination for a memoir.
McLain's mastery of fluid storytelling is enhanced here by her knack for remembering the most minute details. She recalls the perceptions of her youth with such precision that all readers, regardless of background, will be immediately transported back to their own childhood thoughts and anxieties.
Although much of her story is heartbreaking, McLain does not dwell in either sorrow or sentimentality. The narrative is simultaneously regretful and nostalgic, doubtful and determined...tragic and hopeful. In other words, McClain's story is both unique and universal, the perfect combination for a memoir.
June 8, 2021
It was very interesting reading this back-to-back with _When the Stars Go Dark_, as both books cover themes of abuse, foster care, and isolated girls and young women. I think Paula grew up around the same time as Mary Karr; her experience felt very similar, and both girls were scrappy, independent, and loved writing from an early age.
I didn't expect Paula to exploit her experiences or wallow in her trauma, but at the same time, some of her darker moments felt glossed over, or observed at a distance. She recounts them honestly but briefly. And I wish this memoir were longer, or she had written another, to find out how her childhood shaped her path as an adult.
I didn't expect Paula to exploit her experiences or wallow in her trauma, but at the same time, some of her darker moments felt glossed over, or observed at a distance. She recounts them honestly but briefly. And I wish this memoir were longer, or she had written another, to find out how her childhood shaped her path as an adult.
April 26, 2021
The author gives a sobering account of being abandoned by her parents and becoming wards of the state. She survived sexual abuse and physical abuse. Probably only made it because she was never separated from her two sisters and they supported each other. Incredible that she was able to succeed in college and became a writer.
January 9, 2020
A beautifully written memoir about growing up in the foster care system. The disturbing scenes are handled gently. The characters are well developed and the prose is lovely and poetic at times. Her use of words is fun, real and very entertaining. Highly recommend this one.
August 13, 2021
3.25 stars
March 1, 2023
I don't usually rate memoirs but this was sad and courageous. An honest telling of what its like to be in foster care system.
November 18, 2018
This is an overly descriptive memoir that has so little narrative thrust or character development that it's very hard to read without frequent breaks for cookies, Ben & Jerry's, urgent (and sometimes manufactured) trips to the bathroom to pee, idly noticing random things around the room, and putting down and picking up many, many times.
The author has an excellent way of describing everything that she sees, that happens to her, where she goes and other nice but ultimately superficial details, but I never got a sense of any of the characters' personalities--like her two sisters. They seemed interchangeable to me and at first I had to go back and look up who said what to keep them straight, and after a while, it didn't seem to matter who said what, because they may as well have been interchangeable. The only distinction I remembered is their ages; I couldn't have outlined any one of them by personality.
The only really memorable people are her foster parents and families, known more for their oddnesses and idiosyncracies than anything else. They are all relative caricatures. Her father is a man implied and sometimes even stated to be in various prisons for doing various nefarious things, like stealing televisions, but one can't know him enough to find out what makes him do these behaviors. Her mother is a relative cipher who disappears early in the book.
It's much like reading a narrative that has been written using a diary as a source. First, they did this, then they did that; they really hated this, and they thought that was just OK. They ate x, y, and z for dinner, but sometimes more x than y, and there was nothing to distinguish the foods except by their names.
The book has a few really nice images, but it also has unvisualizable ones like the dime she held in her pocket "like a small, sweaty promise." Did she have other coins that were large, smooth and full of laughter? Or that were sneaky and dirty? How does one keep a promise in one's pocket? Since promises are not physical things, the idea of keeping them in physical places seems arbitrary and off. Can a person perhaps tuck an entire career into the toe of his shoe?
I read about 30-some percent of the book and fell asleep several times. I would have given it only two stars except that it was grammatical, the vocabulary for physical things was usually precise, and the author had her heart in it and seemed really trying to make it a good story. It just wasn't that good of a story.
The author has an excellent way of describing everything that she sees, that happens to her, where she goes and other nice but ultimately superficial details, but I never got a sense of any of the characters' personalities--like her two sisters. They seemed interchangeable to me and at first I had to go back and look up who said what to keep them straight, and after a while, it didn't seem to matter who said what, because they may as well have been interchangeable. The only distinction I remembered is their ages; I couldn't have outlined any one of them by personality.
The only really memorable people are her foster parents and families, known more for their oddnesses and idiosyncracies than anything else. They are all relative caricatures. Her father is a man implied and sometimes even stated to be in various prisons for doing various nefarious things, like stealing televisions, but one can't know him enough to find out what makes him do these behaviors. Her mother is a relative cipher who disappears early in the book.
It's much like reading a narrative that has been written using a diary as a source. First, they did this, then they did that; they really hated this, and they thought that was just OK. They ate x, y, and z for dinner, but sometimes more x than y, and there was nothing to distinguish the foods except by their names.
The book has a few really nice images, but it also has unvisualizable ones like the dime she held in her pocket "like a small, sweaty promise." Did she have other coins that were large, smooth and full of laughter? Or that were sneaky and dirty? How does one keep a promise in one's pocket? Since promises are not physical things, the idea of keeping them in physical places seems arbitrary and off. Can a person perhaps tuck an entire career into the toe of his shoe?
I read about 30-some percent of the book and fell asleep several times. I would have given it only two stars except that it was grammatical, the vocabulary for physical things was usually precise, and the author had her heart in it and seemed really trying to make it a good story. It just wasn't that good of a story.
December 7, 2014
I registered a book at BookCrossing.com!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/12978310
Paula and her two younger sisters were abandoned by both parents in 1965. They were placed in a series of foster homes, ending in one that lasted several years. Throughout that time Paula hoped that her mother would be able to take them back, but mostly she rode with the time. She adapted to the situation.
The memoir is vivid and does not ask for sympathy. It is simply a recording of what it was like. Naturally, it wasn't all fun and games. At times it was anything but.
I couldn't help but wonder if there ever was an attempt to find adoptive parents, or if the agencies simply hoped that the biological parents would be able to take over at some point. I wonder this because it seems it might have been a better way to go and may have been truly in the best interest of these children. As it was, they grew up "in the system" and survived, possibly as well as can be expected, maybe even better than most.
Not much navel-gazing here. Worth reading.
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/12978310
Paula and her two younger sisters were abandoned by both parents in 1965. They were placed in a series of foster homes, ending in one that lasted several years. Throughout that time Paula hoped that her mother would be able to take them back, but mostly she rode with the time. She adapted to the situation.
The memoir is vivid and does not ask for sympathy. It is simply a recording of what it was like. Naturally, it wasn't all fun and games. At times it was anything but.
I couldn't help but wonder if there ever was an attempt to find adoptive parents, or if the agencies simply hoped that the biological parents would be able to take over at some point. I wonder this because it seems it might have been a better way to go and may have been truly in the best interest of these children. As it was, they grew up "in the system" and survived, possibly as well as can be expected, maybe even better than most.
Not much navel-gazing here. Worth reading.
November 25, 2010
A beautiful book about a sad kind of childhood that is going on all around us, every day, although usually we aren't aware of it when we see the children living it. McLain delivers a matter-of-fact exposition of what it's like to never really have a place to BE, to be valued or not based on others' convenience, tolerance, and stunted needs.
Who should read this book: teachers, social workers, foster parents, loved ones of former foster children, and fans of childhood memoir.
Who should read this book: teachers, social workers, foster parents, loved ones of former foster children, and fans of childhood memoir.
November 15, 2017
I saw the author speak at a fundraiser to support kids who are aging out of the foster care system, so I wanted to know her story. After writing the memoir, Paula went on to write two international best-selling fiction books. She had such a tough start in life, that I am completely amazed that Paula has accomplished so much.
January 11, 2012
The Kindle edition of this book is full of odd typos. Do they scan books and use text recognition software to create e-books? A few examples: 1'11 for I'll and a character named Hilde's name has come up both as Nude and Rude.
June 4, 2009
Memoir by a poet growing up in foster care in Fresno, Ca. The sense of place is evoked with tenderness and an astute eye for detail. A very emotional, but satisfying read.
July 7, 2021
This is the second book I have read from Paula McLain. In some ways, I liked it just as much as "The Paris Wife." I read it with a sense of dread, hoping that she would have some positive experiences during her time in foster care, but knowing, based on the blurb for the book, that would not be likely. I would encourage others to read this book because it is the voices of those in foster care that we need to be listening to when it comes to caring for and protecting the children in the care of the state.
September 8, 2019
DNF The subject and protagonist were too depressing; I couldn’t follow through to the end.
August 2, 2022
I love a memoir. What a story.
December 9, 2018
This was a heartbreaking memoir about growing up in the foster care system. I appreciated the author addressing the very difficult things she experienced. However, I thought some of it was too descriptive and graphic. The abuse for one, and the pornography that was brought to the party. The description of that was totally unnecessary and had little to do with rest of the book. Other than those issues, the writing was fantastic and engaging.
November 5, 2023
Absolutely stunning , beautifully written account of growing up in the foster care system.
January 17, 2019
Like Family suffered from the same problem as many memoirs of growing up and trauma that I’ve picked up over the years. It lacked what I guess you would call thematic sculpting. The experiences are laid out before you with minimal editorializing and so at its core you simply have an author telling you, “This happened.”
Thematic sculpting would look something like, laying the experiences out, then looking it all over and deciding what you want to say. There will always be threads that connect it all to you as a person reflecting on things later in life. This transforms the story into something more than an emotionally-distant accounting of events in a more-or-less chronological order. It’s not like you have to find something pretentious and deep to say. Just something that contextualizes it all. Something that gives us a sense of how the person to whom the experiences belong has processed it.
I guess that’s the frustrating thing about a lot of memoirs. They are often approached as if readers just want to know what happened, like we are watching a train wreck on the side of the road as we whiz past. We’re often left unsure how the author feels about most of what’s happened, and yet this is what most of us came for. Or perhaps most authors can’t divorce themselves from their experiences enough to see how they might read to an outsider without the benefit of a guide. This also causes a lot of memoirs to read as a little disjointed and confusing too.
For a book that purports to be about family, McLain, until the last fifth of the book, presents a view of her relationships as being quite empty. I started to feel sad halfway through because I got the impression that her foster experiences fractured her bond with her sisters and that in adulthood they are perhaps strangers to each other, feeling no special connection from their shared experience. This is the way she talks about her sisters, and that’s to say barely. She tells us almost nothing to distinguish them, nothing special about them, not even what they look like. Perhaps that’s why she doesn’t speak about them in-depth, I thought, because they are as much strangers to her as they are to us. I was shocked reading toward the end that she and her sisters have remained close and very much in touch into adulthood.
In the end, I was disappointed that Paula McLain, a writer by trade, both failed to organize her experiences into something meaningful and failed to develop characters into humans with which I could emphasize and understand. Her portrayals are standoffish and inconsistent. Before telling us that Hilde nearly choked her sister out or developed a habit of hiding their things around the house (we are never given any real insight as to why by the way, and since I don’t know Hilde, I can’t puzzle it out for myself,) McLain never prepared the reader to see her that way. Did she herself not see her that way until these events happened or did she just fail to give attention to her character? Is she afraid of offering her own opinions about their relationship? Then there was Bub, the enigma. I had literally no idea how she felt about Bub and she never really explicitly addresses it. In fact, the only place she clearly states it is in an interview added to the back of my copy of the book. I understand that their relationship was complicated, but what’s the point of writing to the world about it if you’re just going to shut me down with a few disconnected memories and a terse, “it’s complicated.” The effect is that the book reads like McLain herself has no idea how she feels. Maybe she wasn’t ready to write this memoir. I realize that much of what she’s doing, especially with her sisters, is protecting the intimacies of their relationship and her own opinions about it from the public. But at the same time, I recognize that it leaves little to impact the reader. Her story isn’t filled with profoundly horrific abuse or even many ups and downs. I had no real interest in rubbernecking it based on the premise. I thought it would provide some insight into human relationships that I’m wholly unfamiliar with. There’s no real reason to read something like this if not to reach a deeper understanding of other humans. It’s even weirder to write something like this without approaching it as something therapeutic. It's disappointing that Paula McLain says that she wrote this because she wanted to own her experiences. She still seems to have largely avoided exposing herself.
I just want to end this review by saying that I completly respect Paula McLain's personal memories and how she chose to express them. No matter what I think, she does indeed own her experiences and the presentation is completely up to her.
Thematic sculpting would look something like, laying the experiences out, then looking it all over and deciding what you want to say. There will always be threads that connect it all to you as a person reflecting on things later in life. This transforms the story into something more than an emotionally-distant accounting of events in a more-or-less chronological order. It’s not like you have to find something pretentious and deep to say. Just something that contextualizes it all. Something that gives us a sense of how the person to whom the experiences belong has processed it.
I guess that’s the frustrating thing about a lot of memoirs. They are often approached as if readers just want to know what happened, like we are watching a train wreck on the side of the road as we whiz past. We’re often left unsure how the author feels about most of what’s happened, and yet this is what most of us came for. Or perhaps most authors can’t divorce themselves from their experiences enough to see how they might read to an outsider without the benefit of a guide. This also causes a lot of memoirs to read as a little disjointed and confusing too.
For a book that purports to be about family, McLain, until the last fifth of the book, presents a view of her relationships as being quite empty. I started to feel sad halfway through because I got the impression that her foster experiences fractured her bond with her sisters and that in adulthood they are perhaps strangers to each other, feeling no special connection from their shared experience. This is the way she talks about her sisters, and that’s to say barely. She tells us almost nothing to distinguish them, nothing special about them, not even what they look like. Perhaps that’s why she doesn’t speak about them in-depth, I thought, because they are as much strangers to her as they are to us. I was shocked reading toward the end that she and her sisters have remained close and very much in touch into adulthood.
In the end, I was disappointed that Paula McLain, a writer by trade, both failed to organize her experiences into something meaningful and failed to develop characters into humans with which I could emphasize and understand. Her portrayals are standoffish and inconsistent. Before telling us that Hilde nearly choked her sister out or developed a habit of hiding their things around the house (we are never given any real insight as to why by the way, and since I don’t know Hilde, I can’t puzzle it out for myself,) McLain never prepared the reader to see her that way. Did she herself not see her that way until these events happened or did she just fail to give attention to her character? Is she afraid of offering her own opinions about their relationship? Then there was Bub, the enigma. I had literally no idea how she felt about Bub and she never really explicitly addresses it. In fact, the only place she clearly states it is in an interview added to the back of my copy of the book. I understand that their relationship was complicated, but what’s the point of writing to the world about it if you’re just going to shut me down with a few disconnected memories and a terse, “it’s complicated.” The effect is that the book reads like McLain herself has no idea how she feels. Maybe she wasn’t ready to write this memoir. I realize that much of what she’s doing, especially with her sisters, is protecting the intimacies of their relationship and her own opinions about it from the public. But at the same time, I recognize that it leaves little to impact the reader. Her story isn’t filled with profoundly horrific abuse or even many ups and downs. I had no real interest in rubbernecking it based on the premise. I thought it would provide some insight into human relationships that I’m wholly unfamiliar with. There’s no real reason to read something like this if not to reach a deeper understanding of other humans. It’s even weirder to write something like this without approaching it as something therapeutic. It's disappointing that Paula McLain says that she wrote this because she wanted to own her experiences. She still seems to have largely avoided exposing herself.
I just want to end this review by saying that I completly respect Paula McLain's personal memories and how she chose to express them. No matter what I think, she does indeed own her experiences and the presentation is completely up to her.
March 19, 2008
Interesting book. The book allows a glimpse into a different kind of life - growing up in the foster care system even though both parents are living. The hardest part of the book for me was not some of the fairly expected bad things - sexual abuse, ostracization, etc., but the almost off-hand manner in which they are handled in the book.
I don't think the book was all that well edited - it seemed to skip around so much as to be somewhat confusing. Also, quite a few of the characters seemed not fleshed out enough. Maybe I expected the book to read too much like a novel and have better flow . . . still, I think the editing should have been better. Anyway, still an okay read. Perhaps the book is supposed to be look her life. People move in and out of her life/the book there are some good stories, but not a lot of depth.
I found the ending rather flummoxing. I don't know that it would be exactly a spoiler to reveal, but I won't. If the book had indeed been a novel, I would have found it hard to believe. Of course non-fiction - like people - doesn't have to be believable to be true.
I don't think the book was all that well edited - it seemed to skip around so much as to be somewhat confusing. Also, quite a few of the characters seemed not fleshed out enough. Maybe I expected the book to read too much like a novel and have better flow . . . still, I think the editing should have been better. Anyway, still an okay read. Perhaps the book is supposed to be look her life. People move in and out of her life/the book there are some good stories, but not a lot of depth.
I found the ending rather flummoxing. I don't know that it would be exactly a spoiler to reveal, but I won't. If the book had indeed been a novel, I would have found it hard to believe. Of course non-fiction - like people - doesn't have to be believable to be true.
March 30, 2017
What a remarkable true story of 3 sisters growing up together in foster homes in the Fresno area during 1960-1970s. Descriptions of the locale was so right on. The author wrote about her personal experience in such a vivid way. Lots of life they lived and yet managed to come through, all 3. There was such uncertainty in their lives but fortunate to be able to stay together. Highly recommended
May 8, 2012
This is the author's memoir of growing up as a foster child. It's kind of like a car wreck: horrifying, but you can't look away. I just gobbled this book up. I grew up in the same era as the author, so the things kids did in that era and the way people lived, felt very familiar to me. I wondered a lot of things. Why couldn't the grandmother have taken care of the 3 girls, with some help? I'm in my 50s and do NOT want to go through raising kids again, but I would cut off my arm before I'd let my grandchild go into the care of strangers. Also, this book really made me wonder why some people take in foster children. Some obviously do it because they love children. Some, as this book makes clear, do it for the money. But the author and her sisters were also cared for by unkind foster parents who didn't need the money. So why? I think those ones are people who are trying to fill an empty place in themselves by taking in abandoned children. They may convince themselves that they're doing it as a service to others, but their behavior indicates something more sinister.
August 3, 2015
I really loved learning about Paula McLain's life growing up as a foster child. It was difficult to read about her feeling of never belonging to anyone. I loved her stories, and I appreciated her beautiful way of expressing how she felt about her life.
The Paris Wife remains one of my all time favorite books, and reading about Paula's life made me love her even more. I checked this book out in anticipation of the release of her newest book, Circling the Sun, which I can't wait to get my hands on.
The Paris Wife remains one of my all time favorite books, and reading about Paula's life made me love her even more. I checked this book out in anticipation of the release of her newest book, Circling the Sun, which I can't wait to get my hands on.
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