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Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness
From board-certified psychiatrist and women's mental health specialist Pooja Lakshmin, MD, comes a long-overdue reckoning with the contradictions of the wellness industry and hands-on strategies for practicing real and lasting self-care
You may have noticed that it's nearly impossible to go even a couple days without coming across the term self-care. A word that encompasses any number of lifestyle choices and products--from juice cleanses to yoga workshops to luxury bamboo sheets--self-care has exploded in our collective consciousness as a panacea for practically all of women's problems.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin finds this cultural embrace of self-care incomplete at best and manipulative at worst. Self-care dogma says that to fix your troubles is as simple as buying a new day planner or signing up for a meditation class. But the game is rigged. The self-care fixes that our culture prescribes keep us looking outward--comparing ourselves with others or striving for a certain type of perfection. Real self-care, in contrast, is not as simple as a fancy spa retreat or a journaling app; it's an internal process that involves hard work and making difficult decisions.
Real Self-Care shows readers the difference between the two, lifting the veil on faux self-care and reconceptualizing our understanding of what a real practice of caring for yourself could--and should--look like. Using case studies, clinical research, and compassion, Lakshmin provides actionable strategies for real and sustainable change and solace, helping readers set boundaries and move past guilt, treat themselves with compassion, get closer to themselves, and assert their power.
You may have noticed that it's nearly impossible to go even a couple days without coming across the term self-care. A word that encompasses any number of lifestyle choices and products--from juice cleanses to yoga workshops to luxury bamboo sheets--self-care has exploded in our collective consciousness as a panacea for practically all of women's problems.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin finds this cultural embrace of self-care incomplete at best and manipulative at worst. Self-care dogma says that to fix your troubles is as simple as buying a new day planner or signing up for a meditation class. But the game is rigged. The self-care fixes that our culture prescribes keep us looking outward--comparing ourselves with others or striving for a certain type of perfection. Real self-care, in contrast, is not as simple as a fancy spa retreat or a journaling app; it's an internal process that involves hard work and making difficult decisions.
Real Self-Care shows readers the difference between the two, lifting the veil on faux self-care and reconceptualizing our understanding of what a real practice of caring for yourself could--and should--look like. Using case studies, clinical research, and compassion, Lakshmin provides actionable strategies for real and sustainable change and solace, helping readers set boundaries and move past guilt, treat themselves with compassion, get closer to themselves, and assert their power.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published March 14, 2023
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May 27, 2023
This is it folks, THIS is the book I’ve been searching for. Five enthusiastic stars, I recommend this to everyone.
So often, books about self-care fall into one of two camps: They either put all the onus on the individual and expect their readers to solve or ignore systemic problems themselves, or they place the blame for our tired bodies squarely on unjust systems (as they should), but offer no solution or way forward and mire themselves in victimhood and helplessness. Real Self-Care finds a way to thread the needle. Dr. Pooja Lakshmin uses the framework of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to acknowledge and recognize unjust systems, gives space to feel angry and betrayed by these systems, but also shows a path forward to cope with these systems and DO something about them. This is a book that instills hope.
Dr. Lakshmin also found a way to call me out specifically. She was like “Hey reader, do you have trouble setting boundaries, and does that lack of boundary setting overwork you and burn you out, and then does that burnout send you into mental martyr mode so that you feel resentful and unappreciated but also refuse any help that is offered to you?”
I’m in this photo and I don’t like it.
Luckily for me, Lakshmin has real exercises and strategies to help readers learn to set boundaries, change your self-talk, and actually sit quietly with yourself and figure out what your values are and how you want to spend your time on this Earth.
I could gush about this book forever but I wouldn’t be doing it justice. If you feel even the slightest bit anxious, overworked, overwhelmed, or at your wits’ end, pick this up immediately. I’m going to be purchasing it.
So often, books about self-care fall into one of two camps: They either put all the onus on the individual and expect their readers to solve or ignore systemic problems themselves, or they place the blame for our tired bodies squarely on unjust systems (as they should), but offer no solution or way forward and mire themselves in victimhood and helplessness. Real Self-Care finds a way to thread the needle. Dr. Pooja Lakshmin uses the framework of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to acknowledge and recognize unjust systems, gives space to feel angry and betrayed by these systems, but also shows a path forward to cope with these systems and DO something about them. This is a book that instills hope.
Dr. Lakshmin also found a way to call me out specifically. She was like “Hey reader, do you have trouble setting boundaries, and does that lack of boundary setting overwork you and burn you out, and then does that burnout send you into mental martyr mode so that you feel resentful and unappreciated but also refuse any help that is offered to you?”
I’m in this photo and I don’t like it.
Luckily for me, Lakshmin has real exercises and strategies to help readers learn to set boundaries, change your self-talk, and actually sit quietly with yourself and figure out what your values are and how you want to spend your time on this Earth.
I could gush about this book forever but I wouldn’t be doing it justice. If you feel even the slightest bit anxious, overworked, overwhelmed, or at your wits’ end, pick this up immediately. I’m going to be purchasing it.
Shelved as 'dnf'
December 9, 2023DNF at 63%
It turns out this is geared toward moms and/or people-pleasers, perfectionists, and martyrs. I am none of those things. I hoped I could still find some good insights but I got so much more out of Burnout. Maybe this will be helpful to people who fall into the target audience but her ideas have pretty limited applicability.
Lakshmin, a psychiatrist, argues that individual care leads to systemic care. However, her examples are a leap and often ignore the financial reality of many people (e.g. can’t afford therapy, housekeeper, babysitter, etc.). It also puts the burden of systemic change on individuals who may or may not be able to bear the load. It is important for us to band together where and when we can and fight for justice but her examples didn’t illustrate this. It was more like a woman resented her husband for not taking paternity leave after the birth of their second child so she decided to tell him he needed to do it when their third child was born and then his company instated a paternity leave policy. Which…that’s great! But there’s no sense of it expanding beyond that one company.
The author predicates many of her ideas around stereotypes of women. Women might be socially conditioned toward certain desired traits but that doesn’t mean all women are that way. Also: women aren’t the only gender who benefits from self-care. This wasn’t as intersectional as I was hoping it would be. While the author wrote in the beginning that she is using “women” inclusively, I did not see any examples of trans women up to where I read. Her examples are all patients from her practice so that could be part of the limitation. She hasn’t delved into the issues disabled or LGBTQ+ people face, as far as I recall, outside of a cursory mention. It’s possible this happens in the last 40% but I doubt it, given her focus up to this point.
*I did not take content notes for this book.
It turns out this is geared toward moms and/or people-pleasers, perfectionists, and martyrs. I am none of those things. I hoped I could still find some good insights but I got so much more out of Burnout. Maybe this will be helpful to people who fall into the target audience but her ideas have pretty limited applicability.
Lakshmin, a psychiatrist, argues that individual care leads to systemic care. However, her examples are a leap and often ignore the financial reality of many people (e.g. can’t afford therapy, housekeeper, babysitter, etc.). It also puts the burden of systemic change on individuals who may or may not be able to bear the load. It is important for us to band together where and when we can and fight for justice but her examples didn’t illustrate this. It was more like a woman resented her husband for not taking paternity leave after the birth of their second child so she decided to tell him he needed to do it when their third child was born and then his company instated a paternity leave policy. Which…that’s great! But there’s no sense of it expanding beyond that one company.
The author predicates many of her ideas around stereotypes of women. Women might be socially conditioned toward certain desired traits but that doesn’t mean all women are that way. Also: women aren’t the only gender who benefits from self-care. This wasn’t as intersectional as I was hoping it would be. While the author wrote in the beginning that she is using “women” inclusively, I did not see any examples of trans women up to where I read. Her examples are all patients from her practice so that could be part of the limitation. She hasn’t delved into the issues disabled or LGBTQ+ people face, as far as I recall, outside of a cursory mention. It’s possible this happens in the last 40% but I doubt it, given her focus up to this point.
*I did not take content notes for this book.
January 7, 2024
Self-care has become yet another thing we can, and are expected to, consume. It's now an aesthetic performance on social media that we are all encouraged to partake in. However, bubble baths, organic meals, ten-step skincare routines, shiny yoga studios, and pricey getaways favour consumerism and the rat race—not our inner worlds.
There's no quick fix regarding actual self-care, contrary to what ads tell us a hundred times a day. As the author points out, seeking such instant gratification leaves us empty and hungry for more:
"While aspirational wellness culture sells self-care as an escape from yourself, the truth is that no matter how much faux self-care you do, you're still you. Using self-care to escape our regular lives—while temporarily enjoyable—seldom results in lasting change. That's because our true selves are located in our daily choices, and when you use faux self-care as a coping method to escape, you don't have to make any real-world decisions at all."
As banal as it sounds, caring for oneself is a mindset and way of being—not a purchasable thing. For one person, yoga classes can be an extension of their healing; for another—it is just another productivity badge to post on social media for validation.
As much as I agree with the author's point of view, the book is filled with political bias. The author's beliefs on societal systems, women's and minority rights, family structures and even policies are unasked and all over the place. Worst of all, they are framed as facts, not as beliefs. While reading this book, an untrained mind may inject itself with political ideology without realising it. I don't support that, thus the rating.
Overall, it is a practical book that helps you understand what self-care is and isn't. However, the political bias cheapens the author's voice, making it harder to trust her.
There's no quick fix regarding actual self-care, contrary to what ads tell us a hundred times a day. As the author points out, seeking such instant gratification leaves us empty and hungry for more:
"While aspirational wellness culture sells self-care as an escape from yourself, the truth is that no matter how much faux self-care you do, you're still you. Using self-care to escape our regular lives—while temporarily enjoyable—seldom results in lasting change. That's because our true selves are located in our daily choices, and when you use faux self-care as a coping method to escape, you don't have to make any real-world decisions at all."
As banal as it sounds, caring for oneself is a mindset and way of being—not a purchasable thing. For one person, yoga classes can be an extension of their healing; for another—it is just another productivity badge to post on social media for validation.
As much as I agree with the author's point of view, the book is filled with political bias. The author's beliefs on societal systems, women's and minority rights, family structures and even policies are unasked and all over the place. Worst of all, they are framed as facts, not as beliefs. While reading this book, an untrained mind may inject itself with political ideology without realising it. I don't support that, thus the rating.
Overall, it is a practical book that helps you understand what self-care is and isn't. However, the political bias cheapens the author's voice, making it harder to trust her.
November 9, 2023
this is a self help book at its core but it’s an impactful msg that anyone currently struggling with burn out or hopelessness would benefit from.
July 14, 2023
When it comes to boundaries, we are training the people in our lives how to treat us.
Self-help is a challenging genre for me. One I sporadically dabble in (usually to read specific titles friends loved), only to become immediately incensed by self-righteous vague advice. As I once heard on a podcast about Jordan Peterson, it feels like everything offered is either 1) obvious, or 2) false. The genre feels so individualistic, and I just cannot buy into solutions that turn a blind eye to systemic barriers. It feels like sidestepping reality.
Real Self-Care manages to balance acknowledgment of institutional injustice with actual action we can take to address untenable circumstances and workload. These strategies are derived from evidence-based therapeutic interventions, while reiterating that the book is not a substitute for therapy or meds. Dr. Lakshmin also provides extensive resources at the back for finding therapists and psychiatrists, and barometers throughout the text about how to tell whether you might benefit from either.
This is everything I wanted The Emotionally Exhausted Woman to be and more. It starts by quoting Audre Lorde’s The Master’s Tools, for chrissake (and comes back to Lorde throughout the text, among other prominent Black feminists).
Dr. Lakshmin does a good job helping readers to view certain obligations as 1) less dichotomous 2) choices we are making. She talks about how to create boundaries in a way that frees us of responsibility for others’ reactions to our boundaries. She is upfront about the fact that we will feel guilt and discomfort when advocating for ourselves, especially as we start doing so more regularly.
I also loved what she said about how individual changes create feedback loops within systems to encourage institutional progress. This is what drives me to talk about therapy or to take breaks at work: the desire to work somewhere as supportive of mental health and work/life balance as possible. The personal is political, and our individual choices can in turn empower others to share their experiences and speak up for what they care about — or just take a nap!
I’d recommend this for anyone who has ever felt trapped, overwhelmed, or exhausted by the way we do life. See also Laziness Does Not Exist. I haven’t read it yet, but I think Burnout may pair well with this, too.
Self-help is a challenging genre for me. One I sporadically dabble in (usually to read specific titles friends loved), only to become immediately incensed by self-righteous vague advice. As I once heard on a podcast about Jordan Peterson, it feels like everything offered is either 1) obvious, or 2) false. The genre feels so individualistic, and I just cannot buy into solutions that turn a blind eye to systemic barriers. It feels like sidestepping reality.
Real Self-Care manages to balance acknowledgment of institutional injustice with actual action we can take to address untenable circumstances and workload. These strategies are derived from evidence-based therapeutic interventions, while reiterating that the book is not a substitute for therapy or meds. Dr. Lakshmin also provides extensive resources at the back for finding therapists and psychiatrists, and barometers throughout the text about how to tell whether you might benefit from either.
This is everything I wanted The Emotionally Exhausted Woman to be and more. It starts by quoting Audre Lorde’s The Master’s Tools, for chrissake (and comes back to Lorde throughout the text, among other prominent Black feminists).
Dr. Lakshmin does a good job helping readers to view certain obligations as 1) less dichotomous 2) choices we are making. She talks about how to create boundaries in a way that frees us of responsibility for others’ reactions to our boundaries. She is upfront about the fact that we will feel guilt and discomfort when advocating for ourselves, especially as we start doing so more regularly.
I also loved what she said about how individual changes create feedback loops within systems to encourage institutional progress. This is what drives me to talk about therapy or to take breaks at work: the desire to work somewhere as supportive of mental health and work/life balance as possible. The personal is political, and our individual choices can in turn empower others to share their experiences and speak up for what they care about — or just take a nap!
I’d recommend this for anyone who has ever felt trapped, overwhelmed, or exhausted by the way we do life. See also Laziness Does Not Exist. I haven’t read it yet, but I think Burnout may pair well with this, too.
May 1, 2023
Starts off strong and then runs out of steam. However, it's a great subject for a book - that we need to rethink how we use the term self-care, it's definition and it's applications. We need to stop confusing consumerism with self-care. Getting a mani/pedi or buying an awesome bath bomb to soak in certainly can be real meaningful self-care but Lakshmin posits that quite often we are trying to buy our way into mental health instead of doing the hard work of change and awareness. What is your 'best self'? How do you define best? Is it how efficient and productive you are? Or how fulfilled and content?
When you use efficiency as a coping method for the chaos of life, it's easy to forget the real point of efficiency is to free up time & space for yourself. Doing more does not always lead to feeling better.
People are comfortable with productivity because it provides the illusion of control.
The relief from productivity is temporary and external, not long lasting and internal.
Lakshmin writes about how many women struggle with achieving self-care and how instead they put all their energy into caring for others.
The people who benefit off of women's labor and self-sacrifice are usually not women.
It makes me think about the people(mainly men) who want to gut every social security net and instead have the community (aka women) take care of the sick, the poor, the mentally ill,etc. Well, who takes care of the people offering free caretaking? Instead of our tax dollars going to subsidized day care and elder care, our tax dollars cover the free benefits corporations receive from the govt. Cui bono? Not the home health care aide, that's for sure.
Reproductive labor is the work that must be done over and over again, is essential to life, and never has an end point: keeping the pantry stocked, making sure the car has gas, tending to the needs of elderly family members and children. Capitalistic systems are built on the model of unpaid reproductive labor; paid work outside the home is exalted. As such, domestic workers are often unpaid or paid very little.
The people at the top do respond to pressure from the bottom, yet the people at the bottom don't have the time or the mental energy to fight back or change how things are done. This is how oppressive systems stay functioning. We need people from the bottom to rise up and make changes. And that is precisely what real self-care is about.
I appreciated that the author wrote about dialectical thinking and DBT. It's something I've been reading up on and trying to implement in my daily life - to acknowledge that two opposites can be true at once. Two opposing truths can hold equal weight in your life.
Lakshmin discussed the differences between hedonic happiness and eudaimonic happiness. Hedonic - hedonistic - focuses on what gives you temporary pleasure and is what many people unthinkingly pursue. Instead we need to focus on what gives life deeper meaning and purpose. We need to line up our values and our actions. When we do that is when we start to feel better.
The book then discusses common psychological issue like guilt, shame, fear, self-compassion, and most importantly, she writes about setting boundaries. She gives practical examples and methods for dealing with these issues. Lakshmin warns against falling into Martyr Mode. Compassion comes from inside, we do not earn it by serving others.
Our entire system is built on the premise that women's time - and especially the time of Black and brown women - doesn't belong to them. Setting boundaries is how we take our time, energy and attention back.
When we are still, we must sit with ourselves and pay attention to our feelings and senses. For many, this stillness provokes anxiety.
About halfway through reading, I felt that the author had said all there was to be said. I started to feel like she was repeating herself and giving too many examples. Still, her thesis is so fresh and unique I enjoyed reading the book and am glad I did. Like many psychology/self-help books, I feel like it would have been better as a long form article rather than an entire book.
When you use efficiency as a coping method for the chaos of life, it's easy to forget the real point of efficiency is to free up time & space for yourself. Doing more does not always lead to feeling better.
People are comfortable with productivity because it provides the illusion of control.
The relief from productivity is temporary and external, not long lasting and internal.
Lakshmin writes about how many women struggle with achieving self-care and how instead they put all their energy into caring for others.
The people who benefit off of women's labor and self-sacrifice are usually not women.
It makes me think about the people(mainly men) who want to gut every social security net and instead have the community (aka women) take care of the sick, the poor, the mentally ill,etc. Well, who takes care of the people offering free caretaking? Instead of our tax dollars going to subsidized day care and elder care, our tax dollars cover the free benefits corporations receive from the govt. Cui bono? Not the home health care aide, that's for sure.
Reproductive labor is the work that must be done over and over again, is essential to life, and never has an end point: keeping the pantry stocked, making sure the car has gas, tending to the needs of elderly family members and children. Capitalistic systems are built on the model of unpaid reproductive labor; paid work outside the home is exalted. As such, domestic workers are often unpaid or paid very little.
The people at the top do respond to pressure from the bottom, yet the people at the bottom don't have the time or the mental energy to fight back or change how things are done. This is how oppressive systems stay functioning. We need people from the bottom to rise up and make changes. And that is precisely what real self-care is about.
I appreciated that the author wrote about dialectical thinking and DBT. It's something I've been reading up on and trying to implement in my daily life - to acknowledge that two opposites can be true at once. Two opposing truths can hold equal weight in your life.
Lakshmin discussed the differences between hedonic happiness and eudaimonic happiness. Hedonic - hedonistic - focuses on what gives you temporary pleasure and is what many people unthinkingly pursue. Instead we need to focus on what gives life deeper meaning and purpose. We need to line up our values and our actions. When we do that is when we start to feel better.
The book then discusses common psychological issue like guilt, shame, fear, self-compassion, and most importantly, she writes about setting boundaries. She gives practical examples and methods for dealing with these issues. Lakshmin warns against falling into Martyr Mode. Compassion comes from inside, we do not earn it by serving others.
Our entire system is built on the premise that women's time - and especially the time of Black and brown women - doesn't belong to them. Setting boundaries is how we take our time, energy and attention back.
When we are still, we must sit with ourselves and pay attention to our feelings and senses. For many, this stillness provokes anxiety.
About halfway through reading, I felt that the author had said all there was to be said. I started to feel like she was repeating herself and giving too many examples. Still, her thesis is so fresh and unique I enjoyed reading the book and am glad I did. Like many psychology/self-help books, I feel like it would have been better as a long form article rather than an entire book.
July 1, 2023
I think the target audience for this book doesn’t include me. It aims to be a discussion of self care for women; to be more precise though, it’s mainly for women who are struggling to perform in career and/or motherhood, and want to use self care to get better at one or both of these things. (And “real self-care” here seems to mean a lite version of therapy that doesn’t require professional intervention.) I would have preferred to hear that self-care is worthwhile in and of itself, because we are humans and we deserve some baseline level of peace living our lives, regardless of whether a woman has a career or has a family to care for.
Imo at least 80% of the content in here is pretty typical to come across in either real therapy or other therapy/self-help related books: develop a more compassionate inner critic, say no more often (don’t be a doormat), think about what your values are and live according to them. These things aren’t new, but I guess what this book might do differently is to put it all into a very US woman/mom-centric context. I did appreciate that Chapter 5 on the discussion of boundaries was interesting and might be helpful to me.
There are only a paltry few instances where the author warns that these suggested acts of self-care can result in severe backlash. I feel like this aspect of self-care was glossed over way too easily.
This book tries very hard to walk the fine line between telling women that it’s up to them as individuals to conquer the difficulties in their daily lives, while also acknowledging that there are very large and longstanding systemic issues always in the background: gender inequality, lack of social supports for working parents, the implicit but very loud messages we hear all the time about ‘having it all’, having the dream career, also be a super mom, stay fit and healthy, be nurturing, etc. I don’t feel like this book balanced these two things in a satisfying way for me, other than mentioning the dialectic approach, which is to hold two opposing ideas in my head at the same time. I just oscillate between feeling empowered and angry at everything. And look, at no point in the book does it ever say anything about what men can do to help improve the state of things. Really??
The last chapter on “asserting power” discusses how self-care can have larger impacts, and I think this was the weakest part of the book. The examples given of how this might work aim to show that small acts can precipitate larger changes, but in all of these cases it looked to me like a chance accident that this happened in the end.
Ugh.
Imo at least 80% of the content in here is pretty typical to come across in either real therapy or other therapy/self-help related books: develop a more compassionate inner critic, say no more often (don’t be a doormat), think about what your values are and live according to them. These things aren’t new, but I guess what this book might do differently is to put it all into a very US woman/mom-centric context. I did appreciate that Chapter 5 on the discussion of boundaries was interesting and might be helpful to me.
There are only a paltry few instances where the author warns that these suggested acts of self-care can result in severe backlash. I feel like this aspect of self-care was glossed over way too easily.
This book tries very hard to walk the fine line between telling women that it’s up to them as individuals to conquer the difficulties in their daily lives, while also acknowledging that there are very large and longstanding systemic issues always in the background: gender inequality, lack of social supports for working parents, the implicit but very loud messages we hear all the time about ‘having it all’, having the dream career, also be a super mom, stay fit and healthy, be nurturing, etc. I don’t feel like this book balanced these two things in a satisfying way for me, other than mentioning the dialectic approach, which is to hold two opposing ideas in my head at the same time. I just oscillate between feeling empowered and angry at everything. And look, at no point in the book does it ever say anything about what men can do to help improve the state of things. Really??
The last chapter on “asserting power” discusses how self-care can have larger impacts, and I think this was the weakest part of the book. The examples given of how this might work aim to show that small acts can precipitate larger changes, but in all of these cases it looked to me like a chance accident that this happened in the end.
Ugh.
February 22, 2024
I can’t think of a single thing I learned from this book. Definitely don’t do the audiobook, as there are several lists and worksheety bits that are numbing to listen to.
July 15, 2023
If there is one book you should be reading about self-care, it is this one, and not in the least because it is hell bent of exploring the sham of many others
March 8, 2023
Real Self-Care by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin is not your typical self-love manifesto. What makes Dr. Lakshmin, her work, and this book stand apart is that she is a South Asian American woman raised by immigrant parents who is also a physician specializing in the field of psychiatry with expertise in the niche of women's mental health. She brings her lens as a woman of color and her professional experiences of seeing how the medical model does not serve women's most pressing emotional and psychological needs to her work. Dr. Lakshmin writes based on over 12 years experience training in her field and many more years working directly in clinical practice to support the
well-being of women in a society that is failing to support us on our caregiving journeys.
The book is divided into two parts. In part one, Dr. Lakshmin deconstructs this notion of self-care and some of the problematic messages within the self-care industry. She helps readers made a distinction between faux self-care and real self-care by helping us dig deeper, unlearn harmful messages from the wellness industry, and focus on our own inherent values, boundary needs and core principles so that we can best guide our lives and decision-making.
Dr. Lakshmin shares case examples from her work with women in the therapy room. By helping us understand the presenting problems of these women, how they engaged in faux self-care, the thinking errors that kept them stuck in a faux self-care cycle, and the ways she was able to help them identify their care and connection needs using her Self-Care Compass, we can consider what we need to implement actual self-care in our own lives as well.
As a mother of two under five, this book deeply resonates with me in ways I know other women and caregivers will also understand. This is the book we needed while parenting at the height of the covid-19 pandemic and I'm so grateful it exists now.
Dr. Lakshmin writes: "We must always tailor real self-care to where we are on the map. And, when you come from a family with intergenerational trauma, the work of speaking to yourself with respect and really believing that you do deserve rest and kindness can feel downright ludicrous because it was never positively modeled for you....".
This is why her Self-Care Compass is built on the questions: What, How, and Why? Her compass is made to help us consider what feeds and nourishes us specifically for our current season of life. Once we identify these values, we can get clear on how to achieve actual self-care on a consistent basis. With the way the information is presented and made easily digestible, this task for real self-care feels down to earth, manageable, and possible even for the most stressed and exhausted among us! Dr. Lakshmin also helps readers identify when professional help might be needed beyond daily self-care rituals and provides resources at the end of her book to assist with seeking out someone who can help.
Thank you so much Dr. Lakshmin for your work and your words!
well-being of women in a society that is failing to support us on our caregiving journeys.
The book is divided into two parts. In part one, Dr. Lakshmin deconstructs this notion of self-care and some of the problematic messages within the self-care industry. She helps readers made a distinction between faux self-care and real self-care by helping us dig deeper, unlearn harmful messages from the wellness industry, and focus on our own inherent values, boundary needs and core principles so that we can best guide our lives and decision-making.
Dr. Lakshmin shares case examples from her work with women in the therapy room. By helping us understand the presenting problems of these women, how they engaged in faux self-care, the thinking errors that kept them stuck in a faux self-care cycle, and the ways she was able to help them identify their care and connection needs using her Self-Care Compass, we can consider what we need to implement actual self-care in our own lives as well.
As a mother of two under five, this book deeply resonates with me in ways I know other women and caregivers will also understand. This is the book we needed while parenting at the height of the covid-19 pandemic and I'm so grateful it exists now.
Dr. Lakshmin writes: "We must always tailor real self-care to where we are on the map. And, when you come from a family with intergenerational trauma, the work of speaking to yourself with respect and really believing that you do deserve rest and kindness can feel downright ludicrous because it was never positively modeled for you....".
This is why her Self-Care Compass is built on the questions: What, How, and Why? Her compass is made to help us consider what feeds and nourishes us specifically for our current season of life. Once we identify these values, we can get clear on how to achieve actual self-care on a consistent basis. With the way the information is presented and made easily digestible, this task for real self-care feels down to earth, manageable, and possible even for the most stressed and exhausted among us! Dr. Lakshmin also helps readers identify when professional help might be needed beyond daily self-care rituals and provides resources at the end of her book to assist with seeking out someone who can help.
Thank you so much Dr. Lakshmin for your work and your words!
April 17, 2024
This is a book I did not know I have been waiting to read. "Real Self-Care" by Pooja Lakshmin, MC, cuts across the current culture of quick, unnecessary, and often extravagant "self-care" cures and goes much deeper. Lakshmin illustrates how real self-care Is an inside job. Read this to find out more about authentically caring for yourself and others. Thanks to NetGalley for this ARC.
April 22, 2024
This was one of those self help books that I was nervous to devour too quickly because I wanted to be in the best space to absorb it all and didn’t want to miss anything; I frantically took notes on my phone and regretted getting this as a library book rather than buying it since I ended up having to cram to finish anyway and really want to return to some of the sections in the future.
If you’ve been around the therapy block and/or actually know the phrases “invisible labor” and “mental load” you’ll feel right at home with this one. What was a little less familiar, but I’m starting to see conversations around (by that I do just mean I listened to one single podcast episode about it), was the criticism of the self care industry. The author details how our capitalized self care industry, targeted mainly at women, is another system that creates a financial and time burden for many. It creates pressure on us to excel at yet another thing and hinders us from practicing the real types of care and long lasting changes we need in our lives to actually cope with ongoing stress and burnout. Sometimes this is a fine line - moving your body through yoga could be a true act of self care, but having a strict yoga regiment that you beat yourself up about when you miss a class isn’t it.
After analyzing the “faux” self care industry, the author uses a lot of anecdotes and personal stories to outline different strategies of practicing what she calls “real self care” such as setting boundaries, asking for help, living into your values, retelling your narrative, and using all of those strategies to help create systemic change. I really loved this book and her non judgmental tone and perspective throughout. I appreciated her honesty and vulnerability in telling small pieces of her own story (which could easily get its own book about her journey through an orgasmic meditation cult!!).
One thing to note is that this book was aggressively geared towards women. That is simply due to the fact that women are disproportionally targeted by the self care industry, often carry a greater share of household labor, and face additional burnout at work due to sexism. However, all the coping strategies are very gender neutral and could be helpful to anyone. Very much recommend this one!
If you’ve been around the therapy block and/or actually know the phrases “invisible labor” and “mental load” you’ll feel right at home with this one. What was a little less familiar, but I’m starting to see conversations around (by that I do just mean I listened to one single podcast episode about it), was the criticism of the self care industry. The author details how our capitalized self care industry, targeted mainly at women, is another system that creates a financial and time burden for many. It creates pressure on us to excel at yet another thing and hinders us from practicing the real types of care and long lasting changes we need in our lives to actually cope with ongoing stress and burnout. Sometimes this is a fine line - moving your body through yoga could be a true act of self care, but having a strict yoga regiment that you beat yourself up about when you miss a class isn’t it.
After analyzing the “faux” self care industry, the author uses a lot of anecdotes and personal stories to outline different strategies of practicing what she calls “real self care” such as setting boundaries, asking for help, living into your values, retelling your narrative, and using all of those strategies to help create systemic change. I really loved this book and her non judgmental tone and perspective throughout. I appreciated her honesty and vulnerability in telling small pieces of her own story (which could easily get its own book about her journey through an orgasmic meditation cult!!).
One thing to note is that this book was aggressively geared towards women. That is simply due to the fact that women are disproportionally targeted by the self care industry, often carry a greater share of household labor, and face additional burnout at work due to sexism. However, all the coping strategies are very gender neutral and could be helpful to anyone. Very much recommend this one!
April 17, 2023
In Real Self Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included), Dr. Lakshmin says that women are burnt out because their social systems have failed them. In the book, she lays out four internal principles: setting boundaries, developing self-compassion in talking to yourself, clearly naming the things that matter to you, and understanding that self-care is self-preservation. Each person's authentic self-care is going to be different. For one person, it might be sending a difficult email to their boss. For another, it might be setting boundaries like; I'm not checking email over the weekends. For another, it could be a challenging conversation with their spouse about the division of labor in the home. Or maybe it's to start exercising more. It's about reframing the conversation with yourself to be grounded in these principles instead of just that constant, monotonous; you're not doing enough, you're behind on your emails, you're not a good mom.
This book was so interesting. First, the author discusses her own journey through self-care and some of the winding paths of her career. Then she explains the difference between faux self-care and real self-care and all the things we do that might convince us we're not doing that good a job. I found Real Self Care to be compassionate and actionable.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
This book was so interesting. First, the author discusses her own journey through self-care and some of the winding paths of her career. Then she explains the difference between faux self-care and real self-care and all the things we do that might convince us we're not doing that good a job. I found Real Self Care to be compassionate and actionable.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
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March 14, 2023"Real Self-Care" by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, MD provides a unique perspective on self-care for women of color. The book is divided in two parts: the first section critiques the superficial approach to self-care in the media, and the second provides actionable ways to practice "real" self-care.
Dr. Lakshmin shares her unfiltered mental health journey, making her advice more relatable and authentic. The patient examples she provides help readers understand the nuances of self-care, covering topics such as boundary-setting, saying "no," and prioritizing oneself. Her personal experiences and interactive exercises make the book more engaging, while her use of metaphors is both refreshing and enlightening.
I appreciated Dr. Lakshmin's nod to the pressures and expectations placed on South Asian women - not exclusively historically, but even in present day. She discusses the well-known quote "what will people say?", and the influence of this question in her marriage and, later, divorce. In a sharp yet straightforward quiz format, Dr. Lakshmin provides examples of how to build and preserve boundaries to give yourself agency and empowerment. The scenarios are not all life-changing. For instance, she discusses how to decline a friend's invitation to a bachelorette party. She then walks through each answer choice and explains the correct, or most effective, method.
Dr. Lakshmin's book is unlike the other self-help books I have picked up. Instead, it is a deep well of reflection and life experience.
Dr. Lakshmin shares her unfiltered mental health journey, making her advice more relatable and authentic. The patient examples she provides help readers understand the nuances of self-care, covering topics such as boundary-setting, saying "no," and prioritizing oneself. Her personal experiences and interactive exercises make the book more engaging, while her use of metaphors is both refreshing and enlightening.
I appreciated Dr. Lakshmin's nod to the pressures and expectations placed on South Asian women - not exclusively historically, but even in present day. She discusses the well-known quote "what will people say?", and the influence of this question in her marriage and, later, divorce. In a sharp yet straightforward quiz format, Dr. Lakshmin provides examples of how to build and preserve boundaries to give yourself agency and empowerment. The scenarios are not all life-changing. For instance, she discusses how to decline a friend's invitation to a bachelorette party. She then walks through each answer choice and explains the correct, or most effective, method.
Dr. Lakshmin's book is unlike the other self-help books I have picked up. Instead, it is a deep well of reflection and life experience.
May 19, 2024
You know when you hear the same thing for the hundredth time but this time it’s said in just the way it needs to stick? This was this book for me.
I picked this book up at a time when I was pretty much breaking down at work. I was expecting some feel good tips and methods to deal with stress (deep breathing and grounding and what have you). And then I read this line:
“Women have been experiencing betrayal and not burnout.”
It struck me, hard.
Many times I went out for a coffee or a massage or a walk it was to escape the pain of my daily existence. Instead of turning just to these self-care tactics/methods, what would have brought me actual relief was the harder work of aligning to the principles of deep self-care:
- 1. Setting boundaries & letting go of guilt
- 2. Cultivating self compassion
- 3. Getting to know myself and my values
- 4. An assertion of power
Dr Lakshmin asserts that the goal of real self-care is to feel ownership over your life. It is less about adding something else to your list of things to do, and more about seeing your relationship to yourself and the world differently.
She draws on various sources like Russ Harris’ Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which encourages taking committed action in alignment with your values. She starts with Greg McKeown’s ‘Effortless’ to show how important differences in decision-making lead you down the path of faux or real self-care:
- One way is to use methods which can be used once to solve a specific problem e.g. going for a run to deal with stress. But this does nothing to change the circumstances of your life that’s lead you to feeling sad or burned out.
- instead she advocates to start with principles instead: designing a system of living that prevents problems coming up in first place. For instance, setting boundaries, developing compassion, identifying and prioritising values.
In the latter half of the book Dr Lakshmin shares a practical framework for living from a place of being and values instead of starting with a to-do list. She calls this the Compass and provides a number of valuable exercises to get there.
She ends by encouraging women to use their privilege to make space for other women and to pay it forward.
Overall the concepts in this book are presented simply, with a good balance of personal storytelling and practical frameworks that were impactful for me.
I picked this book up at a time when I was pretty much breaking down at work. I was expecting some feel good tips and methods to deal with stress (deep breathing and grounding and what have you). And then I read this line:
“Women have been experiencing betrayal and not burnout.”
It struck me, hard.
Many times I went out for a coffee or a massage or a walk it was to escape the pain of my daily existence. Instead of turning just to these self-care tactics/methods, what would have brought me actual relief was the harder work of aligning to the principles of deep self-care:
- 1. Setting boundaries & letting go of guilt
- 2. Cultivating self compassion
- 3. Getting to know myself and my values
- 4. An assertion of power
Dr Lakshmin asserts that the goal of real self-care is to feel ownership over your life. It is less about adding something else to your list of things to do, and more about seeing your relationship to yourself and the world differently.
She draws on various sources like Russ Harris’ Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which encourages taking committed action in alignment with your values. She starts with Greg McKeown’s ‘Effortless’ to show how important differences in decision-making lead you down the path of faux or real self-care:
- One way is to use methods which can be used once to solve a specific problem e.g. going for a run to deal with stress. But this does nothing to change the circumstances of your life that’s lead you to feeling sad or burned out.
- instead she advocates to start with principles instead: designing a system of living that prevents problems coming up in first place. For instance, setting boundaries, developing compassion, identifying and prioritising values.
In the latter half of the book Dr Lakshmin shares a practical framework for living from a place of being and values instead of starting with a to-do list. She calls this the Compass and provides a number of valuable exercises to get there.
She ends by encouraging women to use their privilege to make space for other women and to pay it forward.
Overall the concepts in this book are presented simply, with a good balance of personal storytelling and practical frameworks that were impactful for me.
October 6, 2023
I picked up Real Self-Care after listening to a New York Times interview with Pooja Lakshmin, a psychiatrist specializing in women's mental health. In this helpful book, Lakshmin distinguishes real self-care from commodified faux self-care. She defines the former as the work of centering one's values, setting boundaries, and challenging oppressive systems, and the latter as a mere bandaid, something bought and sold, a temporary "treat yourself mentality" that does nothing to challenge the traditional systems that overburden women. Lakshmin then goes on to offer advice and exercises for implementing real self-care. She also provides mental health resources and offers frequent mentions of situations or mindsets that call for professional help.
This was a valuable read for me--both personally and professionally. I liked Lakshmin's focus on precision in what we mean when we say self-care. It's something deeper than just wellness practices, although those can be a part of real self-care if they happen to align with what you value most. Additionally, I thought the real/faux self-care distinction was useful for someone like me, working in an industry that markets a lot of self-care messaging. For me, there's always been a little bit of an ick factor in that, and Lakshmin helped me articulate why. In any case, good read for anyone who's sick of hearing about, failing at, or being sold the shallow quick fixes that call themselves self-care.
This was a valuable read for me--both personally and professionally. I liked Lakshmin's focus on precision in what we mean when we say self-care. It's something deeper than just wellness practices, although those can be a part of real self-care if they happen to align with what you value most. Additionally, I thought the real/faux self-care distinction was useful for someone like me, working in an industry that markets a lot of self-care messaging. For me, there's always been a little bit of an ick factor in that, and Lakshmin helped me articulate why. In any case, good read for anyone who's sick of hearing about, failing at, or being sold the shallow quick fixes that call themselves self-care.
May 24, 2023
This was my first self help-ish book, although it’s not really a self help book.
Yes, Dr. Lakshmin helps you with exercises to do the real work of inner self care. I really took a hard look at the way I move through and deal with problems and trauma.
However, everything is related back to social systems that have oppressed us as women, especially women of color.
She often mentions that when we as women work on our personal self care, we are pushing for change.
She shares a lot of patient stories which I appreciated. However, sometimes it felt like their issues were so easily solved and left me feeling “it’s not as easy for me.” But I think that feeling just led me to, I need to do the work she laid out.
I found this book to be enlightening and inspiring.
Yes, Dr. Lakshmin helps you with exercises to do the real work of inner self care. I really took a hard look at the way I move through and deal with problems and trauma.
However, everything is related back to social systems that have oppressed us as women, especially women of color.
She often mentions that when we as women work on our personal self care, we are pushing for change.
She shares a lot of patient stories which I appreciated. However, sometimes it felt like their issues were so easily solved and left me feeling “it’s not as easy for me.” But I think that feeling just led me to, I need to do the work she laid out.
I found this book to be enlightening and inspiring.
August 12, 2023
I went in a little skeptical (because it’s a self-help book) but I came away really glad I read the book. Frankly I’m shocked no one has boiled it down to this simple message before: “self care” wouldn’t be necessary if we took “real” care of ourselves, which I suppose the author defines as knowing your values, holding boundaries, and treating yourself compassionately (because the world is messed up, not you).
It’s definitely written more for women, and I found so many of the narratives and examples easy to identify with (for better or worse).
I think I know I liked it because I’m tempted to buy a copy of it for every woman in my life so that I can watch them draw boundaries and live without guilt/anxiety/etc.
It’s definitely written more for women, and I found so many of the narratives and examples easy to identify with (for better or worse).
I think I know I liked it because I’m tempted to buy a copy of it for every woman in my life so that I can watch them draw boundaries and live without guilt/anxiety/etc.
Shelved as 'lost-and-forgotten'
March 27, 2023Couldn’t get past the first chapter. This felt like a shaky narrator at best. She made a big emphasis on how bubble baths and crystal-type self care was patronizing, yet I felt the way she talked to me/the audience was patronizing, too! Additionally, I think her intro about being part of a sex cult was supposed to inspire some type of confidence in me, but the way the disclosure was handled left me feeling like I couldn’t trust the narrator. I don’t think her claim is off- real self care is about understanding personal values and boundaries, but I suppose I’ll have to read about it in a different book with a different author.
June 6, 2023
I follow Lakshmin on the socials, read her substack and am super into Chamber of Mothers so I was afraid I wouldn’t find much new in the book. But! It was great and I loved so, so much of it (the cultivating strategies of hope was a particularly important section for me). I do wish she had spent more time talking about how these different strategies function for different identities of wom(y)n.
November 15, 2023
Good god am I glad to be done with this. Started out pretty well, but quickly became incredibly repetitive. An absolute drag, to me. This felt like it was mostly written for american careerwomen who also happen to be mothers and I'm not any of those things, which didn't help.
I did appreciate the chapter about boundaries though I guess.
I did appreciate the chapter about boundaries though I guess.
August 21, 2023
Super interessant boek vanuit zowel het perspectief van een psychiater als iemand die zelf verloren is geraakt in de wereld van selfcare.
Echt een aanrader voor de ladies onder ons die soms moeite hebben met ik eerst 🫶🏼🫶🏼
Echt een aanrader voor de ladies onder ons die soms moeite hebben met ik eerst 🫶🏼🫶🏼
January 17, 2024
Such a great book! She really needs to write a companion book for men, because so much of this is directly applicable to ALL humans. There were so many things I want to reference and look at again that I bought a paper copy. Really important information, especially for parents.
January 9, 2024
I listened to the audiobook, but I will be purchasing my own copy. My work towards real self-care is just beginning.
August 3, 2024
3,5 ⭐️
Um livro bom, mas grande demais. A primeira metade é boa, mas a segunda metade é muito fraca. O método da autora é bom, mas o livro vai ficando repetitivo e aguado conforme chega ao final.
Eu comecei esse leitura muuuuito empolgada. Existem muitas pequenas tiradas boas, no livro. Definições, pequenas frases, que resumem perfeitamente a situação de muitas e muitas mulheres. A pesquisa dos capítulos iniciais foi o ponto alto do livro, pra mim. Mas tudo isso poderia ter sido resumido em um artigo e a densidade de conteúdo ficaria muito melhor para o leitor.
Os últimos 4 capítulos >tentam< aprofundar no método da autora – falando sobre o 4 princípios do (que ela chama de) autocuidado de verdade. Esses 4 capítulos poderiam ser 1. Ela tenta oferecer 'checklists' e 'dicas 'rápidas', mas tudo sai tão raso, tão simplório, tão besta...
que fica difícil continuar lendo.
Eu queria largar, mas terminei de ler por orgulho hahahaha.
A Lakshmin dá muitas e muitas e MUITAS histórias de pacientes ao longo do livro. Isso não é de todo ruim, mas, de novo: fica muito repetitivo. O método de autocuidadeo dela é bom, a pesquisa apresentada é um ótimo jeito de puxar conversar e desenvolver a sua própria pesquisa sobre o tema – mas terminou sendo 'mais um livro de autoajuda' bem fraco que não entregou muita coisa.
Um livro bom, mas grande demais. A primeira metade é boa, mas a segunda metade é muito fraca. O método da autora é bom, mas o livro vai ficando repetitivo e aguado conforme chega ao final.
Eu comecei esse leitura muuuuito empolgada. Existem muitas pequenas tiradas boas, no livro. Definições, pequenas frases, que resumem perfeitamente a situação de muitas e muitas mulheres. A pesquisa dos capítulos iniciais foi o ponto alto do livro, pra mim. Mas tudo isso poderia ter sido resumido em um artigo e a densidade de conteúdo ficaria muito melhor para o leitor.
Os últimos 4 capítulos >tentam< aprofundar no método da autora – falando sobre o 4 princípios do (que ela chama de) autocuidado de verdade. Esses 4 capítulos poderiam ser 1. Ela tenta oferecer 'checklists' e 'dicas 'rápidas', mas tudo sai tão raso, tão simplório, tão besta...
que fica difícil continuar lendo.
Eu queria largar, mas terminei de ler por orgulho hahahaha.
A Lakshmin dá muitas e muitas e MUITAS histórias de pacientes ao longo do livro. Isso não é de todo ruim, mas, de novo: fica muito repetitivo. O método de autocuidadeo dela é bom, a pesquisa apresentada é um ótimo jeito de puxar conversar e desenvolver a sua própria pesquisa sobre o tema – mas terminou sendo 'mais um livro de autoajuda' bem fraco que não entregou muita coisa.
July 12, 2023
The first thing I’ve read that ACTUALLY addresses the systemic reasons that we, especially women and even more women of color, do not benefit from what is sold to us as “self-care.” But rather than just dwell on that critique, the author gives the reader real tools to set boundaries to create space and give themselves what will truly allow them to heal, and also helps us understand how to live within a dialectic, within seemingly binary dilemmas. This paired with Rest is Resistance are the two true self-care books.
I also really appreciated how the author drew not only from her medical and psychiatric background, but from her personal life and her attempt to escape a system by devoting herself to what turned out to be a wellness cult! All of this gives her a great foundation for the topic.
This book didn’t completely blow my mind, but it was so validating and helped me reframe some of the ways I think of caring for myself and caring for others around me. And not just caring, empowering.
I also really appreciated how the author drew not only from her medical and psychiatric background, but from her personal life and her attempt to escape a system by devoting herself to what turned out to be a wellness cult! All of this gives her a great foundation for the topic.
This book didn’t completely blow my mind, but it was so validating and helped me reframe some of the ways I think of caring for myself and caring for others around me. And not just caring, empowering.
August 14, 2023
3.5 ⭐️ I appreciated the perspectives on real vs faux self-care and that it comes down to putting in the work to care for ourselves beyond green juices and spa days. There were several great reminders that were simple yet powerful. I appreciated the inclusion of ACT practices. Overall some helpful reminders and interesting perspectives on how taking real care of ourselves can be the catalyst for us to potentially spark real change in the world.
December 6, 2023
This might be one of my favorite "self-help" type books I've read. Lakshmin covers how we, as a society, have distanced ourselves from "real" self care and have veered into this territory of superficial self care that actually leads to a lot of guilt for not making time for oneself in ways that actually don't always benefit mental health. Absolutely phenomenal read that I hope to revisit again and again!
July 15, 2023
This book did a really fantastic job articulating the things that bother me about a lot of "self-care" advice in a way that makes sense for my personality type. I'd really recommend it for people who hear or read self-care advice and think, "That seems like a really surface-level band-aid to put on a much deeper problem."
January 30, 2024
4.5 stars rounded up. Insights powerful enough to be life changing for many women- myself included! I am now clear about why so many of my prior “self care” activities were not as restorative or helpful as I’d expected. I took lots of notes to refer back to when I’m struggling to prioritize my own needs. Don’t skip this one!
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