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Ice Planet Barbarians #1
Ice Planet Barbarians
You'd think being abducted by aliens would be the worst thing that could happen to me. And you'd be wrong. Because now, the aliens are having ship trouble, and they've left their cargo of human women - including me - on an ice planet.
And the only native inhabitant I've met? He's big, horned, blue, and really, really has a thing for me...
And the only native inhabitant I've met? He's big, horned, blue, and really, really has a thing for me...
317 pages, Paperback
First published April 3, 2015
About the author
Ruby Dixon
145 books16.4k followersRuby Dixon is an author of Science Fiction Romance. She likes fated mates, baby-filled epilogues, and cinnamon roll heroes. She also likes to write biographies of herself in the third person, because it feels more important that way.
Ruby also loves coffee and dirty books and will probably be a cat lady at some point. :)
Ruby also loves coffee and dirty books and will probably be a cat lady at some point. :)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 25,377 reviews
June 25, 2024
Anyone who knows me knows that this is not the type of book I normally read. How, then, do I come to be reviewing it? Well, therein lays a tale…
It all started innocently enough one night as I flipped idly through a dog-eared copy of The Collected Poems of John Keats, my eyes full of starry daydreams (even though it was nighttime). I heard a strange sound, felt my limbs grow heavy, my eyelids droop, and…
The next thing I remember is groggily waking up to the sensation of something not-so-gently probing my backside, as though I’d awakened in the middle of a colonoscopy. I am not habitually awakened in this manner, so I immediately sensed something out of the ordinary was transpiring. That supposition was confirmed when I turned my head to the right and saw a 9-foot-tall tree-like creature sitting next to me, complete with shiny striations, leafy hair, perky acorn nipples and one heck of a knobby woody (if you will). Being an astute and keen observer of my immediate surroundings in the Sherlockian tradition, even in my foggy state of being, I surmised that this creature’s twig-like fingers were the source of my backdoor discomfort, mainly because I could see the creature’s twig-like fingers working my no-no hole like a Chinese finger trap.
“Whoa!” I shouted, instantly alert, though whether that was a result of waking up to find that I was next to what I could only guess was an alien in the midst of a spaceship or being explored in a way no tree has ever had the temerity to undertake, I can’t say. “Rules of courtesy would suggest that you at least lubricate those things before you insert them,” I shouted. “Even better, maybe buy a guy a steak dinner first, huh?”
“Etneke grekean elteeeiwn,” growled the creature.
“I would rather you didn’t,” I replied, nonplussed.
“Ceiten metlr burrge Ferbuglun grirbllwalp?"
“No, I don’t speak Ferbuglun; I just hang out at dentist’s offices a lot. Listen to enough people mumbling their way around a drill and eventually you can translate pretty much anything.”
(Author’s note: from this point on, I will present all dialogue in English instead of Ferbuglun, for ease of reading.)
“What is a dentist?” asked the alien.
“It’s not important. What IS important is that you’re making me exceedingly uncomfortable with your probing of my dark and stormy.”
The alien frowned, his woody countenance not dissimilar from our own when perplexed. “How else am I to learn of humans?”
“Oh, I don’t know…try a book first, maybe. Or, you could just ask. Frankly, you’re going to learn very little from sticking things up my manhole, other than perhaps what I had for dinner and whether or not I strain too much whilst in the process of passing excrement—and, to save you the trouble of probing any further, the answers are turkey sandwich and, yes, a little, though I’m working on it at my proctologist’s request.” I motioned toward my oaken friend’s exceedingly long appendage. “So, maybe you could back it out a little?”
I relaxed as he sighed and complied with my request. “I do not understand how I err in my approach. I have probed hundreds of humans and have learned very little.”
“Yeah, well, I think that’s because you’re coming at it from the wrong direction. I’m Sean, incidentally. And you are Mr….?”
“Your unsophisticated binary gender constructs do not allow for me to properly express what I am. As such, your ‘Mr.’ is not a proper form of address. But, you may call me Gleeble.”
“I’d say nice to meet you, Gleeble, but I would be lying. It’s really pretty terrible to have met you, at least under these circumstances.” Hmmm. What IS the right pronoun? It seems that the great writers—Ursula LeGuin in The Left Hand of Darkness, me in this review of Ice Planet Barbarians—are always struggling with gender and the limits of the English language. I’ll go with “it,” I guess. “So…what is it, exactly, that you’re trying to learn?”
“My people are dying. For reasons unknown, our reproductive rate has decreased to an alarmingly low level. I have been tasked with determining whether humans will make suitable reproductive vessels.”
“You’re not going to have a whole lot of luck producing saplings by knocking at the back door. And especially not on someone like me, who’s all man. ALL man.”
“I see.” Gleeble reached over to a small table and picked up a book, which it began to flip through. “This tome, obtained from your planet, indicates a strong willingness on the part of the members of your female species to engage in sexual congress with aliens, even for the purposes of cross-species procreation.”
He handed me a copy of Ice Planet Barbarians: The Complete Series: A SciFi Alien Serial Romance. I flipped through it briefly. “I’m not entirely sure this is the best basis for making that assumption. Besides, like I said, I’m a man.”
“It is difficult to tell sometimes,” confessed Gleeble.
“Okay, quick anatomy lesson. This dangly thing, hanging here, which would very much like to be covered up again? That’s a lady plugger, and the little things below it are giggleberries. Women don’t have those.”
“I have studied many humans. Your…lady plugger is of similar size to the clitorati on your females.”
“It’s…no, it’s not…similar size? What? First off, I don’t think that’s the proper plural of that word. Second, what kind of mutant clitorises are you looking at?”
“In fact, your penile unit seems quite small compared to most…clitorises. Is that the correct word?”
Uninvited clacker intrusion and small penis cracks. I hate aliens. “Well, whatever the case, I can’t bear children, and I don’t think this book is going to help you much.”
“My superiors have requested a summary of it. Perhaps you can assist me in showing them that it is, perhaps, inaccurate?”
I shrugged. It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go, seeing as how we were zipping along at light speed. I took the book and began to read. A short time later, I set it down and looked at Gleeble, who had remained silently by my side, massaging itself with its twig fingers and making creaky moans on occasion. It was weird, but who am I to judge? I once got down with myself in the bathroom of an airplane while flying over international waters after a screening of Pretty Woman, so maybe it’s a travel thing.
“All right, let’s talk about this book. Your first mistake is in taking it literally.”
“What do you mean?” asked Gleeble.
“It’s an allegory. An extended metaphor. It’s really a commentary on gender roles and identity in the post-Internet era as well as a scathing critique of the American class system, which is an unacknowledged but very real byproduct of discriminatory laws and social constructs. All of that massive alien schlonging is just a way of showing how much the American people get screwed over by their government.”
“And what of when the alien Vektal masticates the earth woman’s birth canal until she achieves a state of orgasm? Does that not speak of an Earth woman’s arousal at the prospect of mating with a different species?”
“Ew, God, no…don’t say it that way. When he tongue bangs her hoo-ha, it’s really just a way of showing how women are so frequently chewed up and spit out by a dominant, and misogynistic, corporate patriarchy.”
Gleeble looked thoughtful. “So, you do not believe that Earth women would readily take my people into the warmest folds of their flesh to receive our mating seed and then incubate our larva for the 17-year gestational period our offspring require?”
“Gleeble, my friend…have you ever talked to a woman in the third trimester of her pregnancy? Because if you haven’t, you really should before you consider extending that for another 16 and a quarter years.”
“These are troubling revelations. We had been led to believe by a documentary film we obtained entitled ‘Earth Girls Are Easy’ that we had found the solution to our problem.”
“Documentary?! That’s not a…good lord, Greeble. Look, here’s the bottom line: Earth is NOT the solution to your problem. Try Venus, maybe.” I handed the book to him. “I believe this is yours.”
Gleeble gave me a quizzical look. “Why does your very small penile unit appear to be in a state of tumescence? I say ‘appear’ because its size has not noticeably increased, as I believe is common in the males of your species when aroused, though perhaps that is a result of its exceedingly tiny stature.”
“Seriously, it’s not that small, and I’m not…not…” I could feel myself blushing. “Allegory or no, sometimes when a man reads about things like a weird alien guy paying lip service to a lovely lady, well, certain biochemical reactions take place that can’t be avoided.” I grimaced. “Shut up. And take me home.”
It nodded. “You have been of considerable help. Normally, I eat the humans after I probe them, but I will return you to your domicile.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. Gleeble wasn’t such a freakish alien perv after all. “Come here, you big lug—bring it in for the real thing,” I said. We embraced. “Oh, hey. Didn’t realize you had tentacles, too. Could you get them out of there, please?”
“Okay,” said Gleeble sheepishly.
“Mystery appendage, too—let’s have none of that. Leave my balloon knot alone.”
“Sorry.”
Sometime later, I woke up in my bed, drool covering my book of Keats poetry. I had a pounding headache and was a bit uncomfortable elsewhere, but otherwise unharmed. I was relieved to be home, but lamented the fact that the entire female population of the earth would never know that I’d just saved them from being concubines for massive, androgynous tree creatures. Of course, it’s not entirely out of the question that some of them would have been furious at me for denying them the opportunity.
Women…always a mystery.
(Thanks—I think—to the super awesome JABS buddy read group (Jess, Aileene, and Brynne) for, um, making me do this!)
It all started innocently enough one night as I flipped idly through a dog-eared copy of The Collected Poems of John Keats, my eyes full of starry daydreams (even though it was nighttime). I heard a strange sound, felt my limbs grow heavy, my eyelids droop, and…
The next thing I remember is groggily waking up to the sensation of something not-so-gently probing my backside, as though I’d awakened in the middle of a colonoscopy. I am not habitually awakened in this manner, so I immediately sensed something out of the ordinary was transpiring. That supposition was confirmed when I turned my head to the right and saw a 9-foot-tall tree-like creature sitting next to me, complete with shiny striations, leafy hair, perky acorn nipples and one heck of a knobby woody (if you will). Being an astute and keen observer of my immediate surroundings in the Sherlockian tradition, even in my foggy state of being, I surmised that this creature’s twig-like fingers were the source of my backdoor discomfort, mainly because I could see the creature’s twig-like fingers working my no-no hole like a Chinese finger trap.
“Whoa!” I shouted, instantly alert, though whether that was a result of waking up to find that I was next to what I could only guess was an alien in the midst of a spaceship or being explored in a way no tree has ever had the temerity to undertake, I can’t say. “Rules of courtesy would suggest that you at least lubricate those things before you insert them,” I shouted. “Even better, maybe buy a guy a steak dinner first, huh?”
“Etneke grekean elteeeiwn,” growled the creature.
“I would rather you didn’t,” I replied, nonplussed.
“Ceiten metlr burrge Ferbuglun grirbllwalp?"
“No, I don’t speak Ferbuglun; I just hang out at dentist’s offices a lot. Listen to enough people mumbling their way around a drill and eventually you can translate pretty much anything.”
(Author’s note: from this point on, I will present all dialogue in English instead of Ferbuglun, for ease of reading.)
“What is a dentist?” asked the alien.
“It’s not important. What IS important is that you’re making me exceedingly uncomfortable with your probing of my dark and stormy.”
The alien frowned, his woody countenance not dissimilar from our own when perplexed. “How else am I to learn of humans?”
“Oh, I don’t know…try a book first, maybe. Or, you could just ask. Frankly, you’re going to learn very little from sticking things up my manhole, other than perhaps what I had for dinner and whether or not I strain too much whilst in the process of passing excrement—and, to save you the trouble of probing any further, the answers are turkey sandwich and, yes, a little, though I’m working on it at my proctologist’s request.” I motioned toward my oaken friend’s exceedingly long appendage. “So, maybe you could back it out a little?”
I relaxed as he sighed and complied with my request. “I do not understand how I err in my approach. I have probed hundreds of humans and have learned very little.”
“Yeah, well, I think that’s because you’re coming at it from the wrong direction. I’m Sean, incidentally. And you are Mr….?”
“Your unsophisticated binary gender constructs do not allow for me to properly express what I am. As such, your ‘Mr.’ is not a proper form of address. But, you may call me Gleeble.”
“I’d say nice to meet you, Gleeble, but I would be lying. It’s really pretty terrible to have met you, at least under these circumstances.” Hmmm. What IS the right pronoun? It seems that the great writers—Ursula LeGuin in The Left Hand of Darkness, me in this review of Ice Planet Barbarians—are always struggling with gender and the limits of the English language. I’ll go with “it,” I guess. “So…what is it, exactly, that you’re trying to learn?”
“My people are dying. For reasons unknown, our reproductive rate has decreased to an alarmingly low level. I have been tasked with determining whether humans will make suitable reproductive vessels.”
“You’re not going to have a whole lot of luck producing saplings by knocking at the back door. And especially not on someone like me, who’s all man. ALL man.”
“I see.” Gleeble reached over to a small table and picked up a book, which it began to flip through. “This tome, obtained from your planet, indicates a strong willingness on the part of the members of your female species to engage in sexual congress with aliens, even for the purposes of cross-species procreation.”
He handed me a copy of Ice Planet Barbarians: The Complete Series: A SciFi Alien Serial Romance. I flipped through it briefly. “I’m not entirely sure this is the best basis for making that assumption. Besides, like I said, I’m a man.”
“It is difficult to tell sometimes,” confessed Gleeble.
“Okay, quick anatomy lesson. This dangly thing, hanging here, which would very much like to be covered up again? That’s a lady plugger, and the little things below it are giggleberries. Women don’t have those.”
“I have studied many humans. Your…lady plugger is of similar size to the clitorati on your females.”
“It’s…no, it’s not…similar size? What? First off, I don’t think that’s the proper plural of that word. Second, what kind of mutant clitorises are you looking at?”
“In fact, your penile unit seems quite small compared to most…clitorises. Is that the correct word?”
Uninvited clacker intrusion and small penis cracks. I hate aliens. “Well, whatever the case, I can’t bear children, and I don’t think this book is going to help you much.”
“My superiors have requested a summary of it. Perhaps you can assist me in showing them that it is, perhaps, inaccurate?”
I shrugged. It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go, seeing as how we were zipping along at light speed. I took the book and began to read. A short time later, I set it down and looked at Gleeble, who had remained silently by my side, massaging itself with its twig fingers and making creaky moans on occasion. It was weird, but who am I to judge? I once got down with myself in the bathroom of an airplane while flying over international waters after a screening of Pretty Woman, so maybe it’s a travel thing.
“All right, let’s talk about this book. Your first mistake is in taking it literally.”
“What do you mean?” asked Gleeble.
“It’s an allegory. An extended metaphor. It’s really a commentary on gender roles and identity in the post-Internet era as well as a scathing critique of the American class system, which is an unacknowledged but very real byproduct of discriminatory laws and social constructs. All of that massive alien schlonging is just a way of showing how much the American people get screwed over by their government.”
“And what of when the alien Vektal masticates the earth woman’s birth canal until she achieves a state of orgasm? Does that not speak of an Earth woman’s arousal at the prospect of mating with a different species?”
“Ew, God, no…don’t say it that way. When he tongue bangs her hoo-ha, it’s really just a way of showing how women are so frequently chewed up and spit out by a dominant, and misogynistic, corporate patriarchy.”
Gleeble looked thoughtful. “So, you do not believe that Earth women would readily take my people into the warmest folds of their flesh to receive our mating seed and then incubate our larva for the 17-year gestational period our offspring require?”
“Gleeble, my friend…have you ever talked to a woman in the third trimester of her pregnancy? Because if you haven’t, you really should before you consider extending that for another 16 and a quarter years.”
“These are troubling revelations. We had been led to believe by a documentary film we obtained entitled ‘Earth Girls Are Easy’ that we had found the solution to our problem.”
“Documentary?! That’s not a…good lord, Greeble. Look, here’s the bottom line: Earth is NOT the solution to your problem. Try Venus, maybe.” I handed the book to him. “I believe this is yours.”
Gleeble gave me a quizzical look. “Why does your very small penile unit appear to be in a state of tumescence? I say ‘appear’ because its size has not noticeably increased, as I believe is common in the males of your species when aroused, though perhaps that is a result of its exceedingly tiny stature.”
“Seriously, it’s not that small, and I’m not…not…” I could feel myself blushing. “Allegory or no, sometimes when a man reads about things like a weird alien guy paying lip service to a lovely lady, well, certain biochemical reactions take place that can’t be avoided.” I grimaced. “Shut up. And take me home.”
It nodded. “You have been of considerable help. Normally, I eat the humans after I probe them, but I will return you to your domicile.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. Gleeble wasn’t such a freakish alien perv after all. “Come here, you big lug—bring it in for the real thing,” I said. We embraced. “Oh, hey. Didn’t realize you had tentacles, too. Could you get them out of there, please?”
“Okay,” said Gleeble sheepishly.
“Mystery appendage, too—let’s have none of that. Leave my balloon knot alone.”
“Sorry.”
Sometime later, I woke up in my bed, drool covering my book of Keats poetry. I had a pounding headache and was a bit uncomfortable elsewhere, but otherwise unharmed. I was relieved to be home, but lamented the fact that the entire female population of the earth would never know that I’d just saved them from being concubines for massive, androgynous tree creatures. Of course, it’s not entirely out of the question that some of them would have been furious at me for denying them the opportunity.
Women…always a mystery.
(Thanks—I think—to the super awesome JABS buddy read group (Jess, Aileene, and Brynne) for, um, making me do this!)
February 16, 2020
i read a...thing. not my usual thing, but a thing nonetheless. to give some backstory, i've got this really boring class this semester. like, cannot stress how absolutely mind-numbing this shit is. but computers are allowed, so from time to time (which means every class) i pull up a kindle book and go to town.
anyway, i chose this book mostly because the title and cover promised a hell of a time, and i was not disappointed. wasn't a good time, but beggars can't be choosers.
so, if you've ever been into the idea of boning a member of the blue man group, doctor manhattan, the guy from avatar, megamind, papa smurf, or any other blue dude i've forgotten....can't relate (but i'm not here to shame u whatever floats ur boat) and you might wanna give this one a read lol
cw: abduction, rape (non-con)
anyway, i chose this book mostly because the title and cover promised a hell of a time, and i was not disappointed. wasn't a good time, but beggars can't be choosers.
so, if you've ever been into the idea of boning a member of the blue man group, doctor manhattan, the guy from avatar, megamind, papa smurf, or any other blue dude i've forgotten....can't relate (but i'm not here to shame u whatever floats ur boat) and you might wanna give this one a read lol
cw: abduction, rape (non-con)
August 1, 2018
10/10 would bang a blue alien.
And don't deny it!
And don't deny it!
August 6, 2017
Well...that was different xD
August 25, 2023
Yeah I gave this 4 stars I don’t want to talk about it
March 27, 2023
i don't rate smut and i definitely don't review it but i thought this book kind of deserved a review
despite the weird ass premise (aka boning blue dudes) this was a solid read. it's pretty well written, i liked the detail that the author put into the world building, and even though this was short i was actually invested in the character relationships. also there was a plot? definitely a stand out in the smutty genre even if it's not my preference (i.e. boning blue dudes)
despite the weird ass premise (aka boning blue dudes) this was a solid read. it's pretty well written, i liked the detail that the author put into the world building, and even though this was short i was actually invested in the character relationships. also there was a plot? definitely a stand out in the smutty genre even if it's not my preference (i.e. boning blue dudes)
Read
January 7, 2024
But I will add by way of factual information for anyone thinking of reading this book:
1. A survivor of sexual assault dies in the snow & this is portrayed as a positive outcome for her.
2. The nature of the world-building (the the parasite required for survival on the icy planet inspires romantic feelings in people due to biological compatibility) could be seen as uncomfortably queer-erasing / heteronormalising by some readers.
May 26, 2023
(2.5?) The hype made me do it and I'm not even mad.
While this was one of the worst books I've read writing wise... I haven't laughed this hard in a while!
Vlog: https://youtu.be/cbjVth7yCgs
I'll keep this series in mind if I get in a reading slump lol
While this was one of the worst books I've read writing wise... I haven't laughed this hard in a while!
Vlog: https://youtu.be/cbjVth7yCgs
I'll keep this series in mind if I get in a reading slump lol
December 3, 2022
{reread 2}its like avatar porn and I love it
{reread 1} i dont know how i got here again but i loved every second
At first i was like mmm ✨ice planet barbarians✨ as a joke
.......but bro i dont think its a joke anymore
{reread 1} i dont know how i got here again but i loved every second
At first i was like mmm ✨ice planet barbarians✨ as a joke
.......but bro i dont think its a joke anymore
September 3, 2021
Re-read 9/3/21: Still v much an alien smut ass bitch. So excited to re-read the next few and finally carry on further into the series!!! Also v stoked to buy the beautiful new special edition that Berkley is putting out in November bc I NEED IT
Original read 8/31/19: Apparently, I'm an alien smut ass bitch now. I fucking loved this.
CW: abduction, rape
Original read 8/31/19: Apparently, I'm an alien smut ass bitch now. I fucking loved this.
CW: abduction, rape
September 18, 2020
"It wasn’t a monster come to eat me. It was this monster. Who’s come to eat me out."
Let me start out this mini review by saying that I had less than 48 hours on my audible escape membership and the hype was real, okay? Basically, our main character, Georgie, wakes up and doesn't know where she is, but she quickly learns that she has been abducted by aliens who are planning to sell her and a lot of other girls. Only one of them has a translating device attached to her, and basically you have to be quiet or else. Well, one of the newly abducted girls are not quiet and they quickly see what horrible things will happen at the hands of the captors. But the spaceship quickly is forced to land on some other planet and they are forced to wait for more aliens to come help them out, but the girls take this advantage to plan an escape.
And Georgie, being the brave
Listen, this was a mess and I don't get the hype, but to each their own, truly. 2010 Melanie was reading some real questionable shit, so you all do you and I support it. But 2020 Melanie just can't read about the "you're my mate now" storylines with a straight face, especially when they are with blue people who can't even understand each other in the midst some some really traumatic shit going on. Especially when that magical bond (and more magical sex) saves lives.
I'm giving this two stars because it wasn't offensive, I enjoyed trying to see them communicate with each other, and this audiobook made me laugh so hard it was a bit unreal (the rock sex is 100% going to stick with me for a while). Truly the hidden serotonin boost.
Trigger and Content Warnings: abduction, sex trafficking, drugging, rape, murder, gore, violence, and death.
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July 23, 2022
5 Vektal and Georgie Stars
Enjoying a reread of the series in honor of Barbarian Lover's new paperback cover!!!!
Ice Planet Barbarians by Ruby Dixon was a amazing series that sucked me in. It's more addictive than crack. The layout for the series was completely new to me, and I loved every minute of it. Georgie went to sleep one boring Tuesday night and woke up abducted by little green aliens. Her and over a dozen other women from earth were being held in a cargo of a spaceship to be sold. Something happened to cause the ship to detached the cargo. Georgie and all the girls crash landed on a primitive ice planet they call Not-Hoth. The planet was full danger, and sexy tall blue aliens looking for mates. Book one was Georgie and Vektal's love story as well as the start of a epic adventure.
Vektal was so yummy. As the chief of the Sa-Khui tribe Vektal was calm, level headed, smart, kind and strong. He was the glue that held the tribe together through the hard times. I loved how sweet and devoted he was to Georgie. Georgie was a lot like Vektal in she was a natural leader. She was brave, smart and a fighter. I loved Georgie and Vektal as a couple. It's a destine mates kind of relationship, but there was plenty of meat to their relationship. The lust was there from the start, but the love came later. They were a great couple that together turned the tribe and the humans into a strong family.
There was a lot going on in this book. Life was hard on Not-Hoth. Liz and Kira were two of the humans I would like to know more about. Not-Hoth was so primitive it was like an icy Jurassic Park with big scary dinosaur like creatures all around. The Sa-khui and the humans didn't know each other language which led to a lot of funny misunderstandings. At the start of the book there was a little bit that I would call Darkish (rape that was not super detailed, kidnapping for sex trafficking, murder and death. Still I wouldn't label it dark and it doesn't last long. Overall this book was so good. I read it straight through without putting it down and can't wait to read all the other books! 100% recommend to anyone who loves romance!
I loved the duo narrators Hollie Jackson, Mason Lloyd. They really brought the story to life. I can't wait to listen all the ones I can get on audible and enjoy re-falling in love with this primitive ice planet full of sexy, kindhearted and protective aliens.
Enjoying a reread of the series in honor of Barbarian Lover's new paperback cover!!!!
Ice Planet Barbarians by Ruby Dixon was a amazing series that sucked me in. It's more addictive than crack. The layout for the series was completely new to me, and I loved every minute of it. Georgie went to sleep one boring Tuesday night and woke up abducted by little green aliens. Her and over a dozen other women from earth were being held in a cargo of a spaceship to be sold. Something happened to cause the ship to detached the cargo. Georgie and all the girls crash landed on a primitive ice planet they call Not-Hoth. The planet was full danger, and sexy tall blue aliens looking for mates. Book one was Georgie and Vektal's love story as well as the start of a epic adventure.
Vektal was so yummy. As the chief of the Sa-Khui tribe Vektal was calm, level headed, smart, kind and strong. He was the glue that held the tribe together through the hard times. I loved how sweet and devoted he was to Georgie. Georgie was a lot like Vektal in she was a natural leader. She was brave, smart and a fighter. I loved Georgie and Vektal as a couple. It's a destine mates kind of relationship, but there was plenty of meat to their relationship. The lust was there from the start, but the love came later. They were a great couple that together turned the tribe and the humans into a strong family.
There was a lot going on in this book. Life was hard on Not-Hoth. Liz and Kira were two of the humans I would like to know more about. Not-Hoth was so primitive it was like an icy Jurassic Park with big scary dinosaur like creatures all around. The Sa-khui and the humans didn't know each other language which led to a lot of funny misunderstandings. At the start of the book there was a little bit that I would call Darkish (rape that was not super detailed, kidnapping for sex trafficking, murder and death. Still I wouldn't label it dark and it doesn't last long. Overall this book was so good. I read it straight through without putting it down and can't wait to read all the other books! 100% recommend to anyone who loves romance!
I loved the duo narrators Hollie Jackson, Mason Lloyd. They really brought the story to life. I can't wait to listen all the ones I can get on audible and enjoy re-falling in love with this primitive ice planet full of sexy, kindhearted and protective aliens.
June 11, 2021
7 foot tall blue aliens
massive schlong with ridges
a tongue with ridges as well
horns you can grab onto while you’re being eaten out or having your titty sucked
gropable ass
what else could you ask for 🥵🤪😍💦😩
massive schlong with ridges
a tongue with ridges as well
horns you can grab onto while you’re being eaten out or having your titty sucked
gropable ass
what else could you ask for 🥵🤪😍💦😩
February 23, 2016
So two words:
1) Parasites
2) And horns
And, well, yeah.
Review to come, off to binge on the next one.
1) Parasites
2) And horns
And, well, yeah.
Review to come, off to binge on the next one.
September 29, 2021
”From now until my spirit departs this plane, there shall be none for me but her”.
¿Me creen si les digo que decidí leer este libro casi como una broma y para saber de qué demonios iba la famosa historia de aliens azules que tenía revolucionado a TikTok y, al final, de una extraña y retorcida manera, me gustó? En serio, estoy en shock, les juro que yo estaba preparada para odiarla y quedar con cara de what the actual fuck todo el tiempo… y sí, pero no fue tan tétrico como me lo esperaba.
La historia va de Georgie, una chica a la que abducen unos aliens verdes y otros con cabeza de pelota de basketball. Aparentemente, estos seres abducen a mujeres humanas y las trafican a otros planetas, así que en la nave, junto con Georgie, hay otras chicas. Unas están metidas en unos tubos y otras en la cabina de carga. Eventualmente algo pasa con la nave y los aliens se deshacen de las cabinas de carga y las dejan caer en un planeta absolutamente helado. Las mujeres, heridas y asustadas, no saben qué hacer. Sin embargo, Georgie, que es la que menos magullada está, sale a explorar aquel planeta, pero cae en la trampa de un alien. La cosa es que este ser es diferente a los que la abdujeron: altísimo, azul y humanoide, pero con cuernos y cola. Y no solo es diferente, sino que desde el primer momento en el que ve a Georgie, algo dentro de él se despierta y le indica que esa mujer es su mate.
Empezar a leer este libro es una especie de choque y siento que, a medida que avanzas página a página, te vas acostumbrando a lo que estás leyendo. Antes que nada, si van a leer Ice Planet Barbarians, creo que deben saber que hace parte de una saga como de 22 libros y que tiene muchos trigger warnings (una escena de violación, otra de sexo con consentimiento dudoso, síndrome de Estocolmo y breeding kink).
Siendo completamente objetiva, la trama de este libro sucede demasiado apresuradamente y tiene algunas descripciones sexuales que nunca pensé leer en mi vida. No me siento capaz de escribir la siguiente frase en español, así que aquí va en inglés, lo siento: the blue alien has freaking ridges on his cock… with all that implies. Sea como sea, sí, se me hizo rarísimo leer la obsesión inmediata que siente Vektal, el alien, por Georgie. Sobre todo porque, además de sus instintos de protección y de darle todo lo que ella quisiera, su principal objetivo como macho de una raza de alienígenas al borde de la extinción es embarazarla y asegurar la supervivencia de su especie durante algunos años más. JODER, ES QUE ERA MUY CRINGE.
Y Georgie… vaya, es una mujer bastante extraña. Y no sé si clasificar sus actitudes como Síndrome de Estocolmo o como pura y dura supervivencia. Sea como sea, su relación con Vektal va tremendamente rápido considerando que son dos especies diferentes y que ni siquiera hablan el mismo idioma (al menos en las tres primeras cuartas partes del libro).
Y aún así, con todas mis pegas, con todo el cringe y todo lo potencialmente problemático que tiene el libro… joder, es que odio confesarlo, pero me entretuvo. Y me entretuvo muchísimo más que un montón de libros que he leído últimamente, jajaja. No sé si era el morbo por lo que estaba leyendo, el hype que le creó TikTok o qué, pero no me aburrí. Sí, al principio quedé un poco traumatizada porque algunas escenas son crudas y sorpresivas (spoiler alert: una de las primeras escenas es que Vektal salva a Georgie de la nieve porque ella se desmayó y la lleva a una cueva. Y cuando siente la resonancia y tiene la certeza de que es su mate, al ser no se le ocurre otra cosa que despertarla… eating her pussy. Y ella se despierta pensando que acaba de tener un wet dream, pero luego ve lo que está pasando y, aunque queda en shock, lo deja seguir porque dice que es muy bueno). Pero, como les decía, a medida que vas pasando páginas, como que tu cabeza entra en el mundo de esa historia y dejas de juzgarla y sencillamente… bueno, la lees y la disfrutas muy a pesar de ti misma. Es la mejor manera que tengo de describir lo que me sucedió con este libro.
Y nada, más allá de todo, creo que el libro tiene un buen final. Y, maldita sea, ese final me hace querer leer el siguiente. Pero sé que si lo hago caeré en un hoyo negro y terminaré leyendo todos los libros de esta serie, así que intentaré ser fuerte.
¿Me creen si les digo que decidí leer este libro casi como una broma y para saber de qué demonios iba la famosa historia de aliens azules que tenía revolucionado a TikTok y, al final, de una extraña y retorcida manera, me gustó? En serio, estoy en shock, les juro que yo estaba preparada para odiarla y quedar con cara de what the actual fuck todo el tiempo… y sí, pero no fue tan tétrico como me lo esperaba.
La historia va de Georgie, una chica a la que abducen unos aliens verdes y otros con cabeza de pelota de basketball. Aparentemente, estos seres abducen a mujeres humanas y las trafican a otros planetas, así que en la nave, junto con Georgie, hay otras chicas. Unas están metidas en unos tubos y otras en la cabina de carga. Eventualmente algo pasa con la nave y los aliens se deshacen de las cabinas de carga y las dejan caer en un planeta absolutamente helado. Las mujeres, heridas y asustadas, no saben qué hacer. Sin embargo, Georgie, que es la que menos magullada está, sale a explorar aquel planeta, pero cae en la trampa de un alien. La cosa es que este ser es diferente a los que la abdujeron: altísimo, azul y humanoide, pero con cuernos y cola. Y no solo es diferente, sino que desde el primer momento en el que ve a Georgie, algo dentro de él se despierta y le indica que esa mujer es su mate.
Empezar a leer este libro es una especie de choque y siento que, a medida que avanzas página a página, te vas acostumbrando a lo que estás leyendo. Antes que nada, si van a leer Ice Planet Barbarians, creo que deben saber que hace parte de una saga como de 22 libros y que tiene muchos trigger warnings (una escena de violación, otra de sexo con consentimiento dudoso, síndrome de Estocolmo y breeding kink).
Siendo completamente objetiva, la trama de este libro sucede demasiado apresuradamente y tiene algunas descripciones sexuales que nunca pensé leer en mi vida. No me siento capaz de escribir la siguiente frase en español, así que aquí va en inglés, lo siento: the blue alien has freaking ridges on his cock… with all that implies. Sea como sea, sí, se me hizo rarísimo leer la obsesión inmediata que siente Vektal, el alien, por Georgie. Sobre todo porque, además de sus instintos de protección y de darle todo lo que ella quisiera, su principal objetivo como macho de una raza de alienígenas al borde de la extinción es embarazarla y asegurar la supervivencia de su especie durante algunos años más. JODER, ES QUE ERA MUY CRINGE.
Y Georgie… vaya, es una mujer bastante extraña. Y no sé si clasificar sus actitudes como Síndrome de Estocolmo o como pura y dura supervivencia. Sea como sea, su relación con Vektal va tremendamente rápido considerando que son dos especies diferentes y que ni siquiera hablan el mismo idioma (al menos en las tres primeras cuartas partes del libro).
Y aún así, con todas mis pegas, con todo el cringe y todo lo potencialmente problemático que tiene el libro… joder, es que odio confesarlo, pero me entretuvo. Y me entretuvo muchísimo más que un montón de libros que he leído últimamente, jajaja. No sé si era el morbo por lo que estaba leyendo, el hype que le creó TikTok o qué, pero no me aburrí. Sí, al principio quedé un poco traumatizada porque algunas escenas son crudas y sorpresivas (spoiler alert: una de las primeras escenas es que Vektal salva a Georgie de la nieve porque ella se desmayó y la lleva a una cueva. Y cuando siente la resonancia y tiene la certeza de que es su mate, al ser no se le ocurre otra cosa que despertarla… eating her pussy. Y ella se despierta pensando que acaba de tener un wet dream, pero luego ve lo que está pasando y, aunque queda en shock, lo deja seguir porque dice que es muy bueno). Pero, como les decía, a medida que vas pasando páginas, como que tu cabeza entra en el mundo de esa historia y dejas de juzgarla y sencillamente… bueno, la lees y la disfrutas muy a pesar de ti misma. Es la mejor manera que tengo de describir lo que me sucedió con este libro.
Y nada, más allá de todo, creo que el libro tiene un buen final. Y, maldita sea, ese final me hace querer leer el siguiente. Pero sé que si lo hago caeré en un hoyo negro y terminaré leyendo todos los libros de esta serie, así que intentaré ser fuerte.
June 27, 2022
2 stars - dnf 42%
🍆 I don't know what purpose the plot in this book was serving except for making me yawn. I could care less about her dying friends, sex trafficking aliens or her problems, I just wanted to see her fuck a horned avatar.
I saw it, so I dipped right after.
🍆 The world-building was bad bad.
🍆 Ya'll I could not take this damn book seriously.
Vektar (H) had a thing called "Khui" which is basically some sort of mate recognition instinct in his chest? I'm not sure but you get the point.
When I heard him talk about his Khui I was pretty much like...
MA'AM, HIS WHAT AGAIN??
You see, in Russian "Khui" means "dick"
So you can understand why I would start laughing my ass off every time he would say shit like:
or
OR
OR OR
Basically, if I had to hear about his khui thrumming, recoiling, accepting, vibrating, glowing, activating OR DO ANYTHING NO DICK SHOULD PROBABLY BE DOING I WILL LOSE MY MIND. I know it's not actually his penis but his alien mate senses. It can't be helped though, it's all the same to my Russian brain.
🍆 Way too much repetition. We've been informed about a million times about Vektar's horns or "suede" skin and the heroine's weird hairless body. Seriously they repeat the same information over and over again.
🍆 On a positive note, this book isn't bad. In fact it's kinda funny.
The hero is adorable, the heroine is average and their story is cute. Unfortunately I don't care about the plot.
🍆 I don't know what purpose the plot in this book was serving except for making me yawn. I could care less about her dying friends, sex trafficking aliens or her problems, I just wanted to see her fuck a horned avatar.
I saw it, so I dipped right after.
🍆 The world-building was bad bad.
🍆 Ya'll I could not take this damn book seriously.
Vektar (H) had a thing called "Khui" which is basically some sort of mate recognition instinct in his chest? I'm not sure but you get the point.
When I heard him talk about his Khui I was pretty much like...
MA'AM, HIS WHAT AGAIN??
You see, in Russian "Khui" means "dick"
So you can understand why I would start laughing my ass off every time he would say shit like:
my khui vibrating within my chest with a song that’s growing greater with every possible moment.
or
She doesn’t feel the hollowness of a lonely spirit. How can she? There is no khui inside her to resonate.
OR
I worry she’ll sicken and be too weak to accept a khui.
OR OR
If I’ve hurt my mate, I will be sick with self-loathing. My khui seems to recoil in agreement.
Basically, if I had to hear about his khui thrumming, recoiling, accepting, vibrating, glowing, activating OR DO ANYTHING NO DICK SHOULD PROBABLY BE DOING I WILL LOSE MY MIND. I know it's not actually his penis but his alien mate senses. It can't be helped though, it's all the same to my Russian brain.
🍆 Way too much repetition. We've been informed about a million times about Vektar's horns or "suede" skin and the heroine's weird hairless body. Seriously they repeat the same information over and over again.
🍆 On a positive note, this book isn't bad. In fact it's kinda funny.
I should be screaming no, help, rape and instead, I have the giggles. Because he doesn’t want to eat me. He just . . . wants to lick my pussy.
The hero is adorable, the heroine is average and their story is cute. Unfortunately I don't care about the plot.
October 22, 2022
EDIT: omg I really finished this series ... over 20 books of pure alien smut when there was a time I said I wouldn't touch this series with a ten ft pole. How the times have changed. The last few books were a bit tedious to read since they all blend together at this point, but these books are honestly a good palate cleanser. My proudest achievement of 2022 y'all 🛐
***
What I'm saying next may be controversial, but there are definitely worse romance novels out there than Shorshie and Huptal. There, I said it. 7ft blue horned aliens for the win 🥰
┍━━━━━━━━»•» «•«━┑
ICE PLANET BARBARIANS SERIES
#1 Ice Planet Barbarians – 3 stars
#2 Barbarian Alien – 2.5 stars
#3 Barbarian Lovers – 2.25 stars
#4 Barbarian Mine – 3 stars
#5 Ice Planet Holiday – 2 stars
#6 Barbarian's Prize – 2.5 stars
#7 Barbarian's Mate – 2.75 stars
#8 Barbarian's Touch – 2 stars
#9 Barbarian's Taming – 3.5 stars
#10 Barbarian's Heart – 1.75 stars
#11 Barbarian's Hope – 2.75 stars
#12 Barbarian's Choice – 2 stars
#13 Barbarian's Redemption – 2.25 stars
#14 Barbarian's Lady – 2.5 stars
#15 Barbarian's Rescue – 2 stars
#16 Barbarian's Tease – 1.75 stars
#17 Barbarian's Beloved – 2 stars
#18 Barbarian's Seduction – 2.25 stars
#19 Barbarian's Treasure – 2.25 stars
#20 Barbarian's Bride – 2.5 stars
#1.5 #2.5 #3.5 #4.5 Ice Planet Honeymoon – 3 stars
┕━»•» «•«━━━━━━━━┙
***
What I'm saying next may be controversial, but there are definitely worse romance novels out there than Shorshie and Huptal. There, I said it. 7ft blue horned aliens for the win 🥰
┍━━━━━━━━»•» «•«━┑
ICE PLANET BARBARIANS SERIES
#1 Ice Planet Barbarians – 3 stars
#2 Barbarian Alien – 2.5 stars
#3 Barbarian Lovers – 2.25 stars
#4 Barbarian Mine – 3 stars
#5 Ice Planet Holiday – 2 stars
#6 Barbarian's Prize – 2.5 stars
#7 Barbarian's Mate – 2.75 stars
#8 Barbarian's Touch – 2 stars
#9 Barbarian's Taming – 3.5 stars
#10 Barbarian's Heart – 1.75 stars
#11 Barbarian's Hope – 2.75 stars
#12 Barbarian's Choice – 2 stars
#13 Barbarian's Redemption – 2.25 stars
#14 Barbarian's Lady – 2.5 stars
#15 Barbarian's Rescue – 2 stars
#16 Barbarian's Tease – 1.75 stars
#17 Barbarian's Beloved – 2 stars
#18 Barbarian's Seduction – 2.25 stars
#19 Barbarian's Treasure – 2.25 stars
#20 Barbarian's Bride – 2.5 stars
#1.5 #2.5 #3.5 #4.5 Ice Planet Honeymoon – 3 stars
┕━»•» «•«━━━━━━━━┙
July 3, 2022
3 stars? 1 star? 5 stars? Honestly this isn't a book I can objectively rate in a critical sense but did I have a good time reading this??? Like candy to a baby. Me, I'm baby.
Alternative title to this book should be: He's a 10 but he's blue, has a tail, and ridges on his tongue and groin . This was practically part Avatar (blue people version) fanfic and you can't tell me otherwise. The whole soulmate agenda? Couldn't be me I guess since I guess you can't mate with anyone who can't give birth to a baby......yeah....
Heavy TW for rape and sexual assault.
Watch the full reading vlog here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yE3i...
3 STARS
Twitter | Bookstagram | Youtube |
Alternative title to this book should be: He's a 10 but he's blue, has a tail, and ridges on his tongue and groin . This was practically part Avatar (blue people version) fanfic and you can't tell me otherwise. The whole soulmate agenda? Couldn't be me I guess since I guess you can't mate with anyone who can't give birth to a baby......yeah....
Heavy TW for rape and sexual assault.
Watch the full reading vlog here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yE3i...
3 STARS
Twitter | Bookstagram | Youtube |
January 22, 2016
As part of my 2016 reading challenge with the MacHalo group, I needed to read a book out of my comfort zone. Alien smut, which seems to be popular alongside monster porn for some reason, is definitely out of my comfort zone. I was hoping that at least it would deliver in the humor department, and it really did.
We begin our story on an alien spaceship where our hero, Georgie (a girl), is being held in a cell with a bunch of other kidnapped women, waiting to be taken to another planet for sale... or maybe as food.. .they aren't really sure. They are in a cage with a giant gerbil water bottle type of thing, a bucket, and a bunch of alien rapists who will rape them if they make a sound. Yeah, it kind of sucks...
Luckily, their spaceship has mechanical problems, so they dump their cargo - the girls - onto an ice planet with plans to maybe pick them up later. Georgie is the one who gets sent out to investigate their surroundings, only to meet an indigenous creature, who is a male. He decides Georgie is his mate, so let the mating begin!
And, now we get to what alien-smut is about - the smut. But, it wasn't all smut. There was a lot of humor along with it.
"You ever see Star Wars? The original ones?"
"Don't tell me----"
"Yep. It looks like we landed on fucking Hoth. Except I see two itty bitty suns and a huge-ass moon."
"Not Hoth," Liz yells. "It was the sixth planet from its sun, and I don't recall it having a moon."
"Okay, nerd," I call back to her. "We'll call this place Not-Hoth then."
And, they do. The planet is from then on known as "Not Hoth".
Summer in Hoth
And, we all remember what was on Hoth, right? right? The Tauntauns ... .white creature that Han Solo cut open and stuck Luke inside of to keep warm... (If you don't know what I'm talking about, just unfriend me and get yourself a copy of The Empire Strikes Back dammit!)
Hmmmm, Tauntauns have tails and horns... Our Ice Planet Barbarians have tails and horns...Throw a smurf in with a Tauntaun and we may have an origin story here...
So, our alien hero decides to take Georgie back to his cave and keep her forever. Or, at least until she dies trying to give birth to a giant blue baby with horns...
"To be fair, I thought he couldn't make me pregnant if it was interspecies sex."
"A Great Dane can still make a Chihuahua pregnant," Liz points out. "Guess which one you are."
Yeah, that's gonna leave a mark...
And, guess what? Our blue barbarian happens to have a tribe full of men with no women waiting back at the cave. And, our human female happens to have a spaceship full of women, but no men, shipwrecked on Not Hoth. Wow! The fortuitousness of this situation!!
It is almost as epic and fated as the meeting of chocolate and peanut butter for the first time!
So, all in all, cringing sex scenes with weird alien aside, this book was pretty entertaining. I don't think it's for everyone. (Please, my innocent friends, stay away from the book. Drop the book and go watch The Empire Strikes Back instead.) But, for the jaded, the crazy, the reader who needs a little extra oomph in their smut - this is a beautiful story.
We begin our story on an alien spaceship where our hero, Georgie (a girl), is being held in a cell with a bunch of other kidnapped women, waiting to be taken to another planet for sale... or maybe as food.. .they aren't really sure. They are in a cage with a giant gerbil water bottle type of thing, a bucket, and a bunch of alien rapists who will rape them if they make a sound. Yeah, it kind of sucks...
Luckily, their spaceship has mechanical problems, so they dump their cargo - the girls - onto an ice planet with plans to maybe pick them up later. Georgie is the one who gets sent out to investigate their surroundings, only to meet an indigenous creature, who is a male. He decides Georgie is his mate, so let the mating begin!
And, now we get to what alien-smut is about - the smut. But, it wasn't all smut. There was a lot of humor along with it.
"You ever see Star Wars? The original ones?"
"Don't tell me----"
"Yep. It looks like we landed on fucking Hoth. Except I see two itty bitty suns and a huge-ass moon."
"Not Hoth," Liz yells. "It was the sixth planet from its sun, and I don't recall it having a moon."
"Okay, nerd," I call back to her. "We'll call this place Not-Hoth then."
And, they do. The planet is from then on known as "Not Hoth".
Summer in Hoth
And, we all remember what was on Hoth, right? right? The Tauntauns ... .white creature that Han Solo cut open and stuck Luke inside of to keep warm... (If you don't know what I'm talking about, just unfriend me and get yourself a copy of The Empire Strikes Back dammit!)
Hmmmm, Tauntauns have tails and horns... Our Ice Planet Barbarians have tails and horns...Throw a smurf in with a Tauntaun and we may have an origin story here...
So, our alien hero decides to take Georgie back to his cave and keep her forever. Or, at least until she dies trying to give birth to a giant blue baby with horns...
"To be fair, I thought he couldn't make me pregnant if it was interspecies sex."
"A Great Dane can still make a Chihuahua pregnant," Liz points out. "Guess which one you are."
Yeah, that's gonna leave a mark...
And, guess what? Our blue barbarian happens to have a tribe full of men with no women waiting back at the cave. And, our human female happens to have a spaceship full of women, but no men, shipwrecked on Not Hoth. Wow! The fortuitousness of this situation!!
It is almost as epic and fated as the meeting of chocolate and peanut butter for the first time!
So, all in all, cringing sex scenes with weird alien aside, this book was pretty entertaining. I don't think it's for everyone. (Please, my innocent friends, stay away from the book. Drop the book and go watch The Empire Strikes Back instead.) But, for the jaded, the crazy, the reader who needs a little extra oomph in their smut - this is a beautiful story.
June 16, 2020
So...
I fucking loved this. Apparently big blue alien bastards with horns and a tail are my literary romance kink?
December 3, 2022
No, I don’t know why either. Apparently I have no self-control when a possibility of a buddy read of a sequel is dangled in front of me. But to read a sequel one needs to read the original, right? So I did.
And you know what? It wasn’t that bad. Granted, it wasn’t good either, but by the standards of the genre it’s basically a masterpiece.
At the beginning I was confused for a second. I expected fluff with blue aliens, but we initially get abduction, rape, bludgeoning a guard to death, and literal buckets o’ literal shit. It was getting a bit dark there for a moment. But then, after a crash landing on an icy planet things were set right, via basically a “hello”, in oral sex fashion:
(Before I forget, let’s just for a moment focus on the fact that all the enthusiastic oral sex was happening after she spent weeks of not washing and then being splattered with a bucket o’shit. That’s not just gross; that’s hepatitis in the making 🤢)
The love interest belongs to a blue alien tribe with tails. It’s kinda like Avatar, but with horns. So basically, horny Avatar.
After an enthusiastic greeting from a sexy blue well-endowed ice planet alien barbarian (I mean, the book does what it says on the tin), our 22-year-old Georgie does not realize yet that she became a mate to the abovementioned alien ice barbarian Venkal and his khui.
(Lemme take a detour and explain some unintended hilarity here. Pronounced a certain way, “khui” (an alien symbiote in this book) is dangerously and hilariously close to how one would say a Russian word for “prick” — so my inner immaturity was very much entertained, unintentionally).
Then, of course, the ice barbarian starts sincere efforts to impregnate his new mate while Georgie with her blissful naïveté convinces herself that interspecies pregnancy should not be possible, and my inner gynecologist sighs and prepares for a long contraception lecture. (Also: alien chlamydia; there must be alien chlamydia). But that lecture ends up not needed because within less than a week of banging Georgie managed to already be late with her period and certainly knocked up, and I give up my frantic calculations about her ovulation timing that fails to make sense to me — but I’ll just assume alien ice planet can mess with your cycle.
And then the “sci” kicks in this alien space mate story smutty “fi”:
But it definitely missed its chance to veer into horror given that the love interest has fangs three times the size of human teeth and they spend quite some time “tongue mating”. Maybe that’s for the sequel?
Anyway, apparently I find books like this more fun when they are hilariously bad rather than just sorta okay-ish.
2 blue khui-thingies, I suppose.
——————
Also posted on my blog.
And you know what? It wasn’t that bad. Granted, it wasn’t good either, but by the standards of the genre it’s basically a masterpiece.
At the beginning I was confused for a second. I expected fluff with blue aliens, but we initially get abduction, rape, bludgeoning a guard to death, and literal buckets o’ literal shit. It was getting a bit dark there for a moment. But then, after a crash landing on an icy planet things were set right, via basically a “hello”, in oral sex fashion:
“It wasn’t a monster come to eat me. It was this monster.
Who’s come to eat me out.”
(Before I forget, let’s just for a moment focus on the fact that all the enthusiastic oral sex was happening after she spent weeks of not washing and then being splattered with a bucket o’shit. That’s not just gross; that’s hepatitis in the making 🤢)
The love interest belongs to a blue alien tribe with tails. It’s kinda like Avatar, but with horns. So basically, horny Avatar.
After an enthusiastic greeting from a sexy blue well-endowed ice planet alien barbarian (I mean, the book does what it says on the tin), our 22-year-old Georgie does not realize yet that she became a mate to the abovementioned alien ice barbarian Venkal and his khui.
(Lemme take a detour and explain some unintended hilarity here. Pronounced a certain way, “khui” (an alien symbiote in this book) is dangerously and hilariously close to how one would say a Russian word for “prick” — so my inner immaturity was very much entertained, unintentionally).
“My khui and my body have been aching with need for her since this morning.”
Then, of course, the ice barbarian starts sincere efforts to impregnate his new mate while Georgie with her blissful naïveté convinces herself that interspecies pregnancy should not be possible, and my inner gynecologist sighs and prepares for a long contraception lecture. (Also: alien chlamydia; there must be alien chlamydia). But that lecture ends up not needed because within less than a week of banging Georgie managed to already be late with her period and certainly knocked up, and I give up my frantic calculations about her ovulation timing that fails to make sense to me — but I’ll just assume alien ice planet can mess with your cycle.
"A Great Dane can still make a Chihuahua pregnant," Liz points out. "Guess which one you are."
And then the “sci” kicks in this alien space mate story smutty “fi”:
“Is it dumb to press a strange button on an even stranger spaceship?
Yes, yes it is.”
But it definitely missed its chance to veer into horror given that the love interest has fangs three times the size of human teeth and they spend quite some time “tongue mating”. Maybe that’s for the sequel?
Anyway, apparently I find books like this more fun when they are hilariously bad rather than just sorta okay-ish.
2 blue khui-thingies, I suppose.
——————
Also posted on my blog.
June 15, 2021
i'm in the kind of reading slump i knew deep in my heart only giant blue dicks could get me out of, so here I am, jumpin on the bandwagon. i was kinda excited too cause i lowkey always thought this guy from avatar was hot ⤵
he's that cliche douchebag character but make it ✨alien✨ and fuck it, i'm into it. team blue all day. so anywayyyy🤡 it's the same old story, you know how it goes:
👽 girl gets abducted by aliens
👽 alien spacecraft crash-lands on ice planet
👽 girl meets giant blue horned man
👽 cue falling in love-montage
this isn't relevant but I kept thinking abt it anyway. you know that scene in the beginning where the women are all abducted and the aliens are sucking babies outta them and raping them and implanting stuff in them and doing all kinds of crazy shit, and the heroines friend is like 'get some sleep. sleeping is the only escape we have, enjoy it.' .........
yahhh 😐 that's cause sleeping is the only time ur dead to the fucking world. i woulda killed myself two minutes after recognizing my predicament. i have no idea where ppl in these types of scenarios or post apocalyptic reckonings find this miraculous will to live. i'd be tapping out bye✌🏽
(i guess that defeatist attitude is why ill never meet my blue alien soulmate tho 😔😔😔 smh)
back to the book, vektal's povs were freaking hilarious. when he called her pubic hair 'adorable and nonsensical' 😭😭😭 when he referred to her clit as 'the strange nipple between her legs' 😭😭😭 give this book 5 fucking stars 😭😭😂
5 stars 😭😭😭
the reason it's only getting 3 tho:
👽 georgie is getting dicked down while her friends are all wasting away!! it was stressing me tf out!!
👽 vektal's personality was kinda bland ngl
👽 this thing was too long, coulda been condensed
👽 i'd be pissed if i ended up on an alien planet that was more primitive than my own
👽 where are the blue alien ladies, is there an ff in this series? i wanna read that shit
he's that cliche douchebag character but make it ✨alien✨ and fuck it, i'm into it. team blue all day. so anywayyyy🤡 it's the same old story, you know how it goes:
👽 girl gets abducted by aliens
👽 alien spacecraft crash-lands on ice planet
👽 girl meets giant blue horned man
👽 cue falling in love-montage
this isn't relevant but I kept thinking abt it anyway. you know that scene in the beginning where the women are all abducted and the aliens are sucking babies outta them and raping them and implanting stuff in them and doing all kinds of crazy shit, and the heroines friend is like 'get some sleep. sleeping is the only escape we have, enjoy it.' .........
yahhh 😐 that's cause sleeping is the only time ur dead to the fucking world. i woulda killed myself two minutes after recognizing my predicament. i have no idea where ppl in these types of scenarios or post apocalyptic reckonings find this miraculous will to live. i'd be tapping out bye✌🏽
(i guess that defeatist attitude is why ill never meet my blue alien soulmate tho 😔😔😔 smh)
back to the book, vektal's povs were freaking hilarious. when he called her pubic hair 'adorable and nonsensical' 😭😭😭 when he referred to her clit as 'the strange nipple between her legs' 😭😭😭 give this book 5 fucking stars 😭😭😂
My big alien falls to his knees and groans. He presses kisses to my stomach and then my pussy, and then holds my hips and puts his mouth directly on me. I gasp and my knees get weak, so I have to cling to one of his horns again.
5 stars 😭😭😭
the reason it's only getting 3 tho:
👽 georgie is getting dicked down while her friends are all wasting away!! it was stressing me tf out!!
👽 vektal's personality was kinda bland ngl
👽 this thing was too long, coulda been condensed
👽 i'd be pissed if i ended up on an alien planet that was more primitive than my own
👽 where are the blue alien ladies, is there an ff in this series? i wanna read that shit
June 6, 2021
I cannot believe TikTok convinced me to read this book.
November 27, 2021
it was actually a lot better than expected👁👁
between a 3.5 and a 4 star!
between a 3.5 and a 4 star!
September 8, 2022
TW: r@pe (not between the main couple) and some dubious consent
I have finally done it. I have read one of the most well known and well loved monster romances of all times and as usual, I have a few words...
Starting with: I never intended to take this book seriously, I was expecting the naughtiest, dirtiest, and most absurd story in the world. It obviously delivered on the hilarity with: "It wasn't a monster coming to eat me, it was a monster coming to eat me out."
It touched the deepest female parts of my soul whenever she made very clear that men on planet earth aren't capable of giving good head.
As the female species, we have been in a constant state of despair for so long (apparently since 2015, when this book was originally published) that the idea of being abducted from your house in your pajamas into a different GALAXY, mated with a 7 feet tall giant alien who is willing to go down on you without you ever even voicing that want, is more believable than a cisgender heterosexual man being faithful to you.
As a woman, it has shocked me and depressed me at the same time that the idea of having a blue man with horns and a ridged penis completely ruin your bussy is more appealing to me at this point than going on a tinder date.
These women were abducted and removed from everything they knew and everyone they loved. Their jobs, their houses, their friends...Introduced to a freezing cold land, with avatar looking people, and for them to survive the inauspicious atmosphere they had to insert worms into their necks, have their entire bodies and faces change.
The main female character was basically impregnated without her knowledge (you know, language barrier and all), and she came to terms with all of that in the span of seven days.
Because this entire narrative is more appealing and believable than an actual human male wanting to build a family with you.
Anyways, the book was funny for the first 10 pages. After that,
about three things I was absolutely positive. First, Vektal was an alien. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that was definitely better than any human man. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably bored by him and his entire book.
Maybe it was the insta-love of it all? I am not sure. This series is so popular and I thought I was going to encounter some struggle coming from the female character with the whole narrative, resistance even. Maybe if we have gotten some angst? I think the love-dovey thing of it all also threw me off. It was funny for a second, but it's not worth the repetition.
I don't know what bothers me more, how boring this was or that I completely understand her decision to never come back to earth and to accept to make babies with blue horned people.
Unfortunately, after the initial curiosity wore off, that was it. He worshipped her, gave her a lot of oral (the scenes were pretty mild compared to the expectations you guys built), she fell in love with him in six days, got pregnant and decided to never come back to earth. It was a novella and it still felt like such a looooooooooong read.
I guess we can't win. Not even 7 feet tall blue men, with ridged rabbit vibrator like shaped penises who are there to be forever faithful to you and only you will satisfy my disconsolate, despaired and demoralized heart. Here or on a different galaxy, that's what love is. 
This book just reminded me of how much I hate men. LMAO Because they drive us to the brink of madness to the point where a book like this needs to be written so we can get slightly close to the experience, at least once in our lives, of what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.
sorry for the bitter review, I am on my period
*snorts midol*
Anyways, other than that - the constant star wars references were so annoying (and I am a huge star wars fan), the world building was pretty cool and creative, so points for that. The two stars are for the few giggles it got out of me. But it’s honestly shocking that even with ALL OF THIS BUILD up and this UNLIKELY plot, this book was still EXTREMELY boring. It takes real talent LMAO
January 29, 2022
This was certainly an interesting reading experience, not my usual read but entertaining for sure! Here’s the reading vlog: https://youtu.be/iiWtvO76JuY
March 24, 2023
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I love my romance reading friends, but sometimes they lead me astray. Take my first foray into the Alexa Riley novels, which read like the manuscripts of a bad porno featuring a hero who wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Criminal Minds in which the cops discover a human breeding farm in his basement. Or, take the (thankfully) short-lived monsterotica trend, in which all the creepies from those pulpy 50s B-movies return in titles like The Blob That F*cked Everything or Swamp Monster Gang Bang.
When I saw ICE PLANET BARBARIANS showing up in my Goodreads feed, I was highly skeptical. It was being read by many of the same people who tried recommending Alexa Riley to me. I had horrific visions of probes, scary alien genitals, and bad dialogue being set to porn music with theramin solos (so, basically Broken Bells without the singing).
When this book showed up - for free - in the Kindle store, I decided why not? Apart from my time, that's as risk free as you can get with an ebook. I downloaded it immediately and forgot about it for several months until my romance group started its yearly Halloween challenge and I found myself looking at the "aliens" category and going, "Hmm..."
ICE PLANET BARBARIANS, despite that cover that seems determined to make you think that you are reading a terrible book, is... not a terrible book. In fact, it's a bit like diet R. Lee Smith - you have a heroine who is kidnapped by alien slave traders who are then forced to dump their cargo on an icy planet that is inhabited by hunky alien warriors. One of them, a chief named Vektal, happens upon Georgie while she's trying to get help or find food. She turns out to be his "resonance" or mate, the one who makes his khui all hot and bothered. Which means the sex is great (obviously - apparently ice planet barbarians are built like sex toys, with the downstairs equipment of a robust dildo, replete with vibrating) but the angst is high, because Georgie kind of wants to just go back home. To Earth.
Unlike R. Lee Smith, the world-building in this book is not so epic or complex. It's still creative, but it lacks that development, because the romance is at the forefront of this story whereas Smith is more about deep relationships that develop over the course of hundreds and hundreds of chapters in the style of the hefty epics from the 70s and 80s. The focus is on Georgie and Vektal's physical relationships, which then later graduates to insta-love. I rolled my eyes at that. This is that paranormal fated-to-be-mated BS, with interstellar packaging. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, RUBY DIXON.
Despite my numerous reservations, though, I actually liked ICE PLANET BARBARIANS. I love the cheesy title. I thought the world building was cool (although I would have liked more development of the universe, as well as the other alien races, and though that the subplot with the slavers was tied off pretty hastily at the end). Georgie was a decent heroine. Vektal was actually kind of an adorable hero. I thought the secret behind the khui was interesting. I would read more in this series, for sure.
Thanks, Elena, for participating in this impromptu buddy read!
3 stars
June 27, 2023
"Great, now I have Stockholm syndrome."
This quote kind of perfectly explains my current state with this book 😂Is it total CAMP and absolutely ABSURD? YES!!!! And did I also have the best time reading this, laughed my ass off and ultimately totally fell for these weirdo barbarian blue dudes? ALSO YES!!!!! I am warning you all now. I have opened pandoras box and there is no going back!!
"It wasn't a monster come to eat me. It was this monster, who's come to eat me out."
Georgie and a group of other women have been sex trafficked by evil aliens, when the ship crash lands on a random planet leaving only the abducted women alive to try and survive. When Georgie ventures out to seek help she comes across a giant blue alien with a six pack, horns and a tail and also.... he is PURRING at her for some reason. Vektal knows Georgie is his destiny as soon as he sees her, she becomes the center of his universe immediately, if only they could communicate, but he has a great idea, he will just go down on her in first greeting!
"Does she not realize? Anywhere she goes. I will gladly follow. She is my heart, my resonance, my soul. My mate."
This book is FUNNY!!! The miscommunication bc they are different species is hilarious. The dialogue is really entertaining. But what really surprised me is just how SWEET it is!!! Guys these blue dudes are huge CINNAMON ROLLS!!! Its so freaking CUTE!!! Definitely not deep but I loved it anyway and it brought me JOY!!! Will I be starting the next one ASAP? YEP!!!
I am, leaving these quotes here, ENJOY! 😂💙
"Me? I am just a Floridian in a stolen space suit with no weapon and a busted wrist. I know how this is going to end."
"My mate, the resonance of my khui, my new reason for existing, has just planted her strange foot in my chest and kicked. It's almost as if she doesn't want to mate."
"Who did this to you?"
"She is my mate. My other half. I'll do whatever is necessary to keep her. I'll protect her with my life is I must."
"I feel like there's an alien bingo card somewhere that just got checked off. Horns? Check. Tail? Check. Crazy-ass cock? Check, check, check."
"From now until my spirit departs this plane, there shall be none for me but her."
"If you are asleep, I shall wake you up by mating with your mouth."
It's called a kiss Vektal."
...........................................................................................................................
It's time friends! Is this going to be a CANON EVENT?! I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping to have fun with this one! 😜Shout out to my SS Cecelia for lobbying for me to read this!!! Thanks babes!
This quote kind of perfectly explains my current state with this book 😂Is it total CAMP and absolutely ABSURD? YES!!!! And did I also have the best time reading this, laughed my ass off and ultimately totally fell for these weirdo barbarian blue dudes? ALSO YES!!!!! I am warning you all now. I have opened pandoras box and there is no going back!!
"It wasn't a monster come to eat me. It was this monster, who's come to eat me out."
Georgie and a group of other women have been sex trafficked by evil aliens, when the ship crash lands on a random planet leaving only the abducted women alive to try and survive. When Georgie ventures out to seek help she comes across a giant blue alien with a six pack, horns and a tail and also.... he is PURRING at her for some reason. Vektal knows Georgie is his destiny as soon as he sees her, she becomes the center of his universe immediately, if only they could communicate, but he has a great idea, he will just go down on her in first greeting!
"Does she not realize? Anywhere she goes. I will gladly follow. She is my heart, my resonance, my soul. My mate."
This book is FUNNY!!! The miscommunication bc they are different species is hilarious. The dialogue is really entertaining. But what really surprised me is just how SWEET it is!!! Guys these blue dudes are huge CINNAMON ROLLS!!! Its so freaking CUTE!!! Definitely not deep but I loved it anyway and it brought me JOY!!! Will I be starting the next one ASAP? YEP!!!
I am, leaving these quotes here, ENJOY! 😂💙
"Me? I am just a Floridian in a stolen space suit with no weapon and a busted wrist. I know how this is going to end."
"My mate, the resonance of my khui, my new reason for existing, has just planted her strange foot in my chest and kicked. It's almost as if she doesn't want to mate."
"Who did this to you?"
"She is my mate. My other half. I'll do whatever is necessary to keep her. I'll protect her with my life is I must."
"I feel like there's an alien bingo card somewhere that just got checked off. Horns? Check. Tail? Check. Crazy-ass cock? Check, check, check."
"From now until my spirit departs this plane, there shall be none for me but her."
"If you are asleep, I shall wake you up by mating with your mouth."
It's called a kiss Vektal."
...........................................................................................................................
It's time friends! Is this going to be a CANON EVENT?! I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping to have fun with this one! 😜Shout out to my SS Cecelia for lobbying for me to read this!!! Thanks babes!
Read
April 18, 2023i truly have no explaination
March 1, 2018
This book was fascinating. So I quite logically DNFed it and stuff.
Also:
The End.
[February 2016]
Peer pressure wins again.
Also:
The End.
[February 2016]
Peer pressure wins again.
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