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Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

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The New York Times bestselling author of Get Out of Your Head offers practical solutions for creating true community, the kind that's crucial to our mental and spiritual health.

"My dear friend Jennie Allen shows us how to make true emotional connections with the right people so that our authentic relationships can be healthy for all."--Lysa TerKeurst, author of It's Not Supposed to Be This Way

In a world that's both more connected and more isolating than ever before, we're often tempted to do life alone, whether because we're so busy or because relationships feel risky and hard. But science confirms that consistent, meaningful connection with others has a powerful impact on our well-being. We are meant to live known and loved. But so many are hiding behind emotional walls that we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness.

In Find Your People, bestselling author Jennie Allen draws on fascinating insights from science and history, timeless biblical truth, and vulnerable stories from her own life to help you:

- overcome the barriers to making new friends and learn to initiate with easy-to-follow steps
- find simple ways to press through awkward to get to authentic in conversations
- understand how conflict can strengthen relationships rather than destroy them
- identify the type of friend you are and the types of friends you need
- learn the five practical ingredients you need to have the type of friends you've always longed for

You were created to play, engage, adventure, and explore--with others. In Find Your People, you'll discover exactly how to dive into the deep end and experience the full wonder of community. Because while the ache of loneliness is real, it doesn't have to be your reality.

304 pages, Paperback

First published February 22, 2022

About the author

Jennie Allen

74 books2,041 followers
Jennie Allen is a passionate leader and visionary following God's call to inspire women to encounter the invisible God. With a Master's in Biblical Studies from DTS, Jennie is the author of two Bible studies, Stuck, a CBA best-seller, and Chase, and the ECPA "New Author of the Year" winner of Anything and Restless, which also includes a DVD-based study. The founder of IF: Gathering, Jennie, and her husband Zac, have four children.

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,892 reviews
Profile Image for Shannon.
6,326 reviews352 followers
March 1, 2022
Very disappointing. The premise for this book totally had me hooked but after reading about 60% of it I couldn't get over all the references to God and Bible scripture. Sadly this was not the book I had hoped for and was too religiously focused for me. The core principles have merit: trying to find connection in a world that is increasingly lonely. I just couldn't separate the useful from the religious 'fluff'. Not for me.
Profile Image for Silvia Ers.
24 reviews441 followers
July 10, 2024
In the audio version of this book, Jennie Allen connects with a common human struggle: loneliness. Discovering the depth of loneliness in our connected world made me wonder if we are more connected than ever, but lonelier than ever. As we transition phases throughout our lives, I think it's increasingly hard to make meaningful friendships and find people with whom I can share deep, meaningful thoughts and get support.
With clarity, Allen shares that developing and investing in friendships is not just beneficial, it is essential. She dives into biblical wisdom and her own experiences to explore five key principles - proximity, transparency, accountability, consistency, and a shared mission - to reinforce a bond with someone.

It's not just teaching or theory, the audio is an invitation for people to consider how they can take this into practice - whether that is inline with Allen's thoughts, or whether they want to modify what she says to better suit their experiences. A separate workbook with projects makes this relevant and personal to reinforce learning and growth. The workbook is also designed for group study, so the work would be easy to encourage a connection with other women and start growing.

For me personally, as someone seeking connection with other women, 'Find Your People' has changed the way I view friendship and what I want to cultivate and invest in my relationships.
Profile Image for Jessica.
1,858 reviews31 followers
March 24, 2022
I wasn't sure what to expect with this one, but I put it on hold because as I've gotten older it is MUCH harder to make and keep friends. Talking about this from a biblical perspective should be an even better match for me, but I did NOT like this one at all and I'm obviously in the small minority. If you're going to write a book about friendship and you are a huge extrovert you have to understand that not everyone is like you. I feel like she glosses over a lot in this book and makes sweeping generalizations. For her friendship is calling someone while you're in the midst of a crying meltdown (which the author seems to have frequently), showing up at their house unannounced, and inviting yourself over for dinner. None of which sounds like the kind of friends I want (I would be there for a friend calling me upset or in a crisis, but I do NOT want people showing up at my house unannounced or inviting themselves over for dinner). I am an introvert, so a lot of her suggestions made my skin crawl.

And even though I am a Christian, I felt like this book was beating you over the head with how Jesus is our example of community, how much God loves you, etc. If you want to write a book about why we need Jesus or the importance of biblical community/church then write that book. She could have had one chapter on the biblical model of community/friendship and moved on. It felt like she didn't have enough actual friendship content/suggestions so every chapter was a little bit of tips and LOTS of repetition about how much God wants us to live in community with others. Overall, I was unimpressed with this book and did not find much at all helpful to me personally.

A few awful quotes that stood out to me:

[On the Christian proverb/Bible verse about "iron sharpening iron"] "I lost my knife sharpener for years and finally picked one up recently. I had no idea how dull and ineffective my knives had become until I vigorously pulled their blades against that metal rod and then sliced through a tomato. It flew through the tomato in one slash. My jaw dropped. My knife was so happy! It was finally serving its purpose again!" (p. 122) [this really reminded me of rolling my eyes when I read Marie Kondo's book where you're supposed to thank your purse everyday.]

"A few months in, [to a new church small group] the leader matter-of-factly said something like, 'Next week we're going to lay out our finances for each other, including numbers, and talk about how we can hold each other accountable in our generosity, spending, and debt.' Wait, I remember thinking. You want to know what?! Yep. They wanted specifics on purchases being considered, purchases that had been made, and overall financial standing. They wanted data - as in, spreadsheets were encouraged." [I'm not going to lie, I would have never gone back to that small group - that's beyond invasive in my opinion.]

[Dr. John Townsend who co-authored the book Boundaries said in an interview with Allen] "Any relationship that drains you faster than it pours into you isn't a friendship; it's a ministry opportunity." (p. 214) [Not every draining person you meet is supposed to be your friend or your project. Not everyone is for everyone.]
Profile Image for Alicia Bayer.
Author 8 books238 followers
January 7, 2022
This is a very biblical book on how to cultivate deep friendships. Allen writes a lot about her personal experiences with friendships and things she's done wrong as a friend. It is sometimes surprising how often she writes about things like friends telling her they didn't want to be friends with her anymore. She is a minister so there's a heavy focus on how Jesus lived, scripture, praying for people, and how the enemy doesn't want us to have friends. She also talks a lot about the Christian organization that she founded.

Key takeaways -- It takes a lot of time to develop deep friendships so invest in trying to build up many hours of time with people. Be vulnerable and honest. Have tough, unpleasant conversations. Most important to Allen is that you seek out friendships where you spend a lot of time so you see those people all the time. She says it doesn't matter if you're not close in age or share a lot of things in common but you need to have relationships where you can be in each other's lives and do things like drop by unannounced. She also advocates telling your friends everything and asking things of them.

I have such a different lifestyle than Allen, who leads church groups and has a large social circle. Most of the book was not very helpful for me personally, but I will make an effort to look for more possible friends among people close by and to put in the 150 hours or whatever she said you needed to move towards close friendships with more people. All in all, I could have gotten that from a few sentences though instead of reading the whole book. Others will find it much more useful, I'm sure.

I read a digital ARC of this book via Net Galley.
Profile Image for Nellie.
25 reviews1 follower
April 11, 2022
For a book that is supposed to be about making deep connections, I think the information and examples provided were very shallow. I came out of the book with the same amount of knowledge I had going into the book so...nothing profoundly helpful or groundbreaking here.

Much of the book was repetitive and could be summed up as "making friends is good, but making friends is also hard," which is just common knowledge, honestly. I don't think anyone who is actively picking up a book about how to make friends doesn't already know that.

The author's idea of friendship and my idea of friendship must be different because the strategies she suggests are not ones I would use or ones I would like potential friends to use on me. And the way that she perceives friendship as having to be needy, pushy, burdensome, and full of sobbing breakdowns to be genuine and 'real' and 'deep' would not make me feel comfortable. I promise someone is not your best friend just because you cried in front of them.
Profile Image for David.
557 reviews22 followers
December 13, 2021
I am not the target audience for this book. I rarely read "Christian Living" especially those books marketed to women. I have generally found them filled with stories and low on substance. However, I thought that this book was really good. I have only known of Jennie through her work on the IF:Gathering and the women in my church have done a number of her studies. This was my first personal encounter with her work.

The book is all about trying to create "a village," or your community. It is about trying to find real deep friendships. The main narrative device is talking about her move to Dallas and trying to find friends there. The book is filled with personal stories about the ups and downs of that adventure in gaining, keeping, and losing friends.

One of the biggest strengths of this book was its focus on application. Most chapters had explicit helpful guides on ways to build community. I found myself writing them down and thinking about them more. The book wasn't just platitudes, stories, or even examples of how she did it. Instead there were real good suggestions on ways to make this happen. I particularly appreciated a recurring theme of looking for the people already in front of you.

The book still has some weaknesses of the genre, but that's just my opinion. I didn't particularly love the writing style at points. It often felt like she was just giving instead of writing a book. But many will prefer and love that about the book. I also would have loved some more interaction with other historic Christian writers outside of quotes here and there. It seemed like a glaring oversight to have the only interaction of Bonhoeffer's "Life Together" be a small quote near the end. But these criticisms could be simple nitpicks.

I think fans of Jennie and other Christian Living books will love this one. It's needed, easy to read, and practically helpful. I even think those who don't typically like this kinds of books, like me, will find it worthwhile. This is one that I will end up purchasing for our church and rereading.

Thanks to Netgalley for the arc.
July 16, 2022
I respect Jennie Allen, but this book bothered my conscience at times. There was a large amount of biblical truth in this book, and her practical tools were helpful, but at times I felt like Jennie Allen was out of touch with her audience and, to be frank, insensitive and prideful. I had a few big issues with this book:

1. I felt like the references to Rwanda and other village communities and their “relationally saner” way of life were romanticized and a stretch of reality. Perhaps I read too far into this, but I felt that this argument carried the assumption that people in village cultures face no or very little relational strife. There are certainly things we can learn from village communities, but I do not believe her explanations did justice to the very real and hard challenges people face in these cultures.

2. This book was very prescriptive. That in itself isn’t bad, but for a self-described extrovert Jennie Allen gave little consideration to those who struggle with loneliness or real social anxiety. When loneliness was mentioned, those who struggle with this were advised to basically pull themselves up by their bootstraps and decide to no longer be lonely. For an extrovert like herself, the inability to do this is hard to imagine and can seem like a personal choice. Yet, Jesus used those on the fringes to come alongside him in his work on earth. We MUST take care to seek the lost and lonely, not only those who are willing to do the social legwork of friendship, and I fear that Jennie Allen’s approach, while good-natured, further perpetuates the self-help obsessed, self-seeking culture.

3. She advised those who have trouble maintaining friendships to “pay someone to be your friend” by seeking counseling because the problem might just be you. Should we evaluate ourselves in these situations? Absolutely. Could we be “the problem?” Certainly. Do we need accountability and someone to call us out? Yes. Is the truth sometimes hard to hear? Definitely. While the above is not a direct quote, her word choice and tone were incredibly insensitive and I would argue outright unkind. I actually read this passage to my husband, who immediately pointed out the harshness. This didn’t sit well with me.

If you are looking for a book on friendship, I personally believe Kelly Needham’s “Friendish” is a more well-rounded option.
Profile Image for Ellie.
12 reviews
June 24, 2022
Not a big fan. I enjoyed the premise of how to cultivate deeper friendships, but I feel like the author lacks boundaries and doesn’t encourage healthy relationships. Other reviews address this too. As a Christian, I agree that community is important, but so too is teaching others how to respect your time, space and mental health. People, just like in dating, take some vetting and time to find good fits who will uplift you instead of draining you.

Some advice, like the tips on reaching out to others and creating invitations / frequenting inviting places to foster community are helpful.

Overall this could be a 2 chapter book. Living without personal boundaries isn’t a reflection of God’s love. It allows one to be walked over and taken advantage of. It’s an invitation to let anything and everything into your life, personal space, and time.
Profile Image for AnnaScott.
441 reviews63 followers
January 17, 2022
Community is something that has suffered greatly since technology has enabled us to be increasingly independent from one another. We no longer need to run next door to borrow an egg, or come together to build a barn, or even share exciting news directly with people. We just order a grocery delivery, hire a contractor, and post our news on Instagram. The unfortunate part of this, though, is that we are losing these opportunities to do life with the people around us, resulting in at least part of the 36% of Americans who report feeling lonely on a regular basis.

It is this type of community that Jennie is trying to reconstruct with this book. The type that feels comfortable relying on one another, even for the hard things. The type that can be vulnerable and real with each other, knowing that they will be loved despite their flaws. The type that will laugh and cry and run errands together. And the best part is that she launches this quest for community by being real and vulnerable with us as readers.

Jennie combines academic research, personal experiences, and Scripture to build the case for why we need to fight for community, and then offers a number of practical tips and action steps at the end of each chapter so that we are not just left with these beautiful but abstract ideas. She both encourages and equips readers to pursue biblical community, challenging us to break the mold of independence that is so prevalent in our culture.

Overall, I loved this book. Jennie does an amazing job of sympathizing with her readers and creating a culture of grace while still pushing us outside of our comfort zones and sharpening us "as iron sharpens iron."

I received a copy of this book from Netgalley. All thoughts and opinions are entirely my own, and I am writing a voluntary review.
Profile Image for Heather.
417 reviews16.5k followers
August 24, 2023
I feel like when I first bought this book I truly hadn't found my people but by the time I picked this up I did.
I did enjoy it and it had some great ideas on 'how to find your people' your village, the ones you know you can count on.
This is great for someone who is looking for that. I was hoping to gain more insight on how to further my relationship with my people and I would say this book is more for people looking to find their village.
So I would def. recommend it!
Profile Image for Lovely Day.
874 reviews138 followers
October 24, 2022
2.75⭐️

I had a lot of rollercoaster thoughts with this one…from thinking YASSSS, to questioning if a certain idea is one I agree with…and back and forth



As I’ve let this one sit with me and I reflect upon it, I think I will reduce the rating from a 3.75 to 2.75 as I feel like the resonating message is about all the things required to be a ‘genuine’ friend. I feel like this book puts on a lot of pressure to be a certain way and say certain thing in order to be considered a ‘genuine’ friend and if they don’t check those boxes, you can still be a casual friend, but ‘find someone who checks the boxes’ …..and I find this to be a very stress-inducing message
Profile Image for TallieReads.
371 reviews7 followers
July 12, 2023
I ended up reading this book because I have a two year old who runs rampant at the library. I grab several books for myself and then have to take off after him. Had I read the author description in the back of the book, I would have never checked it out.

By the time I got home and realized this was a very Christian themed book, I decided to give it a chance anyway. I liked the premise of building community after all. There were some good general things about cultivating friendship such as accountability, putting in the time m, conflict resolution etc. The layout of the book made it easy to read.

Unfortunately, I feel that the author thoroughly estranged any non-Christians here. There was constant biblical references and the assumption that church is basically the only route to community. Lots of talk of sin, God, and what Jesus wants for us. It was done in a way that it felt like she was trying to convert me and in doing so, pushed me that much further away from the relatively decent framework of her book. Also, it felt weird to me that she used multiple of her friends that were minorities as examples. Like oh, they had such a hard life but they also have such a great sense of community. It just kind of felt exploitative and cringey, white woman in a bubble. This book could have meant much more to a larger audience had it toned down the self-righteous tone, but I get that this wasn’t made for me. Ultimately, it just reminded me that I should research books/authors before reading to ensure a book is something I want to read.
Profile Image for Stacy Myers.
153 reviews118 followers
November 6, 2022
After a difficult year of losing a large chunk of people that I thought were friends for life, I found myself in a weird spot like you feel in middle school where you think: I’m all alone and how do I make friends that don’t think I’m a psycho when I dance in the grocery store to Cotton Eyed Joe and laugh at dad jokes?
Basically, how do you make friends?!?
This was a great and timely read for me. Friends don’t just show up at your door. They’re made. And it’s hard. And it’s awkward. And you don’t need many. Just a few.
But it’s worth the hunt. Great great read on the art of making friends and how to keep them.

Thanks for the recommendation, Crystal. ❤️
Profile Image for Christy Ryan.
172 reviews13 followers
July 7, 2022
I. loved. this. book. I didn't plan on reading this at first. I'm not lacking in great friendships. (Perks of living in one area my whole life, living in a great little town and especially being a part of incredible churches.) However, there was some really great and practical takeaways from this book on how to do friendship better, be more intentional and realizing you aren't meant to be everything for every friend you know. This is for sure one I will be recommending.
96 reviews55 followers
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December 1, 2022
I have removed my review. There is enough negativity in the world. If it helps you, rock on.

Peace, out.
Profile Image for Christa.
897 reviews78 followers
June 11, 2022
Maybe I should have titled this book How to Win Friends by Being Awkward.

Probably. It sums up this book for me.

I heard Jennie Allen speak at IF gathering this year and I wasn’t terribly impressed but I thought I would give her written work a try.

Maybe she’s not for me.

There were some points made that I really liked.

“The internet is not your village. Every problem you hear about in the news is not yours to solve.”

Being someone’s friend is being there for them. But all in all the friendships and connections she’s talking about don’t really sound like something I want. It sounds kind of exhausting.

The kind of friend who drops by unannounced. The kind of friend kids can crawl all over without being told to stop. The kind of friend who looks past your bathrobe and messy house.

Second, once you have found your close people, break all the rules of how you spend time together: Purposefully leave your house a mess. Invite someone to your dinner party an hour early to help with prep or ask them to stay late and help you clean up. Leave your laundry out on the couch and ask them to help you fold. Ask if they’ll pick your kid up on their way over. Borrow the ingredient you forgot instead of running to the store to buy it. Bother someone to run the errand with you. Stop by someone’s house unannounced. Bring someone a meal without warning. Ask to borrow clothes for a special event instead of shopping for a new dress. Ask someone to help you clean out your closet. Offer to help someone paint a room. Ask to join someone else’s family dinner.


Please don’t do this to me. It sounds like you’re just being cheap and using someone instead of being their friend.

One of those friends quit me. I mean, she actually looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t want to be friends anymore.” I will never forget where I was sitting and how the world was spinning as she told me why she couldn’t keep investing in our friendship. And as you’ll see in the coming pages, this wasn’t the first or last time this happened to me.

I’m really not surprised.
Profile Image for Haley Baumeister.
185 reviews189 followers
February 9, 2023
Find any research stats, talk to anyone, and you'll confirm the majority of us are lonely. Modern life after the industrial revolution destroyed communities and "villages" of common life — and the proximate friendships necessary to simply live life, raise families, and be the church.

This is a handbook of sorts for creating friendship and community in the modern world—specifically geared toward followers of Jesus—but with many universal truths. Truths about the kinds of people we need, the people who need us, why this is crucial, and how ruthless we need to be to incorporate all kinds of people into everyday tasks, daily meals, boring errands, and intentional conversations. We have to log hours upon hours to build those relationships.

And for the Body of Christ, how else will we grow into the people we are meant to be? How will the world know what our intensely relational God is like? How will we help bring the Kingdom to earth if we lack this basic structure of relationships to do so, made possible through commitment and intentionality to those around us?

I appreciate that she suggests even rethinking our life trajectories/jobs/cities in order to be nearer to people we care about... since close proximity helps facilitate rich, everyday relationships that can't be perfectly replicated long-distance. Moving away from family & great friends for jobs can truly be overrated (ask me how I know).

Alan Noble heartbreakingly mused on the friendship deficit recently:

https://oalannoble.substack.com/p/the...

And for further reading, I would highly recommend:

Together - by Vivek H Murthy M.D.
The Life We're Looking For - by Andy Crouch
Profile Image for Twyla Franz.
Author 1 book15 followers
February 19, 2022
This book is harder than you can imagine to put down. Though I’ve said this about other books too, there is a special pull to this message and grace to Jennie’s words. She’s lived the without and fought for the relationships that now form her closest friends and her village. And she will tell you where she failed and what she learned, and all of it will help you grow. You get that from the book—that she wants more than anything to help you grow so you can live in the fullness of together with your people.

Find Your People is going to make you a little uncomfortable, but you’re going to want it to. It’s going to feel like Jennie is reading your mail, but she’s also willing time and time again throughout the book to meet you in the middle of the messy and pull you up with the truth of God’s Word. She doesn’t shy from the truths that are hard to swallow, but she offers them wrapped in grace and her own transparency. She won’t ask you to do anything she’s not also willing to do. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s messy. Even if you have to try again and again and not give up.
49 reviews1 follower
July 14, 2022
Of course I loved this book! I heard from people that some of the ideas seemed repetitive, which I could see, but in a way I needed those themes repeated to help me have courage in my approach to finding my people.

After reading the book "The Gospel Comes with a House Key", I can't help but see the need for community all around me. Especially after the isolation people have felt in the last 2-3 years. Not just any community is needed, but a community rooting for you in your walk with Jesus. That just sounds beautiful, wanted, and needed.

Imagine what we can accomplish as we pursue Christ together.
Profile Image for Aimee Kollmansberger.
37 reviews3 followers
May 13, 2022
Some solid truth and exhortation, but also didn’t seem like most of our real lives and felt a bit sorority-like. Seems to be written to a niche audience and very repetitive. For me, the high extroverted + optimistic energy that came through in the writing made it feel less relatable to me and a bit exhausting. Instead of feeling motivated,I feel tired 😂
Profile Image for Sarah.
Author 44 books456 followers
September 16, 2022
Age Appropriate For: 15 and up
Best for Ages: 15 and up

I’ve started a quest to read a bunch of books on friendship and this was the second one. I’m wanting to learn how to be a better friend and reading books on the subject seemed like a good way to do it.

This is my second book by Jennie Allen. I’ve found that while not my favorite author (purely for personal style preferences) she has a lot of practical advice I do like. This book is no different. I found myself reading and making notes on practical how-tos of building friendships with others.
Allen walks you through the different kinds of people and friendships, how to get started, how to build on that start, and how to deal with issues that might pop up. So many practical tips and helpful hints are in this book, I know it will be a good reference.

There were two points that I felt this book was weak. The first was understanding introverts. I agree with a few comments she made about some of the particles being the same, even if it is harder. However, I feel that this book would have been greatly helped if she had an introvert write some notes about how to overcome some of the challenges.

The other weak point was on finding people that have time. Allen makes it sound easy to find people who will make time for you. No, she didn’t say that everyone you ask will, but she makes it sound easy. I personally know from experience that just finding people willing to make time can be one of the biggest challenges. I don’t think someone who is popular can understand this challenge well.

What I loved most about this book? Allen’s willingness to share her own mistakes. She was careful with other people’s hearts while still sharing how much she has messed up and ways she has hurt others. I think her transparency and humility to share her failures made this book even more powerful.

I highly recommend this book for women looking for a practical guide for making friends
Profile Image for Deepthy.
136 reviews3 followers
May 28, 2022
This wasn’t marketed as a Christian book written by a random lay person, and had I known that it was that, I probably wouldn’t have checked it out from the library. Most of this is nonsense, but the good parts could be condensed into about five pages that simply set forth the thesis: connection, community, and belonging are core human needs, and they should be pretty constant and continual in one’s life, not sporadic. However, the book offers barely any action tips on how to go about finding and sustaining the kinds of relationships it recommends.
Profile Image for Darlene.
341 reviews144 followers
January 20, 2023
A very inspiring book centered around why we need community. It was definitely written from the viewpoint of an extrovert so I have a difficult time relating to everything, but I believe there are life lessons in here even for awkward bookworms like me. Worth a read!
Profile Image for ★ L Y D I A ★.
318 reviews73 followers
February 16, 2024
tldr: this book convinced me to never try any of her books again or watch anything from her again. i don’t do self-indulgent, tone deaf and shallow authors—especially those who claim to be christians.

i heard allen speak at her main church (which is a red flag, more on that later), and i liked that particular sermon. so i decided to give this book a shot, thinking that it would be funny, real, and deep. i couldn’t have been more wrong.

before anyone reaches for their pitchforks, i WANTED to like this. also, understand that im a christian, and i’ve been one for almost 10 years. so don’t get all pissy at this review.

the positive things i will say is that some of her practical tips are actually helpful and doable (like running errands with friends), and that her writing style comes across as relatable.

BUT…

this had to be one of the most disingenuous, shallow nonfiction books i have ever read. for many reasons. she has a way of using blanket statements as the gospel truth, and completely disregarding people’s very valid reasons for being hurt. like she goes on a mini rant basically saying that “if all of your friends over the years don’t like you, you’re the problem.” there are people that i have known over the years that were extremely nice, and most of their friends/acquaintances hated them, disliked them, gossiped about them unjustly. so by allen’s standards, these people were at fault. make that make sense.

to those who deal/dealt with the “non glamorous” things (like depression, trauma, abuse, rejection, abandonment, anxiety, etc), this book isn’t for you!! she quite literally tells you to get over it and risk making friends anyway. and then she “addressed” church hurt by stating that churches are made up of “sinners who sin anyway”— basically meaning that you should expect getting hurt even in church. her whole tone was that church hurt wasn’t even a big deal. i don’t know what planet she’s on, but that’s highly irresponsible and wrong. there are people who have been severely hurt by the church (and not “gossiped” about 🥺, but sexually/physically abused, or even dealt with racism??). so just to essentially say “that sucks, but make church friends anyway” is disgusting.

i don’t know if this woman is a counselor, but she needs to explore empathy again—like REAL empathy, and not a westernized, cookie cutter version of it.

also, she completely demonized western society even though she has benefited from it—more than most minorities in this part of the world. which brings me to my next point. she essentially fetishized impoverished countries to the point where she completely glossed over (she glossed over a lot of things) the fact that those countries are IMPOVERISHED. starving. in need of resources. there was one section where she mentioned how an african community lost its “connection with one another” because they finally received washing machines. and she made it sound like it was a bad thing. this is just one of the many examples where her privileged self shone.

i also found it interesting (and by “interesting”, i mean uncomfortable) how much she pointed out her “friends” who are minorities. but then when she describes her close inner circle, they’re all white. so people of color are ok as acquaintances, but they’re not worthy of actually being friends. that’s the message i got. and i’ve seen this attitude many many many times in the south.

now to her church part. i’m not going to mention her church because that’s messed up, but it’s a walking red flag. i went there for almost 6 weeks because the members were extremely culty and pressured visitors to join their church. no boundaries. this got confirmed when i read in this book how allen joined a small group at this church where everyone had to divulge their income, how much they donate, their debts, investments, etc. everything. and allen made it seem like it was a good thing because as christians we are supposed to “submit to one another.” and we’re supposed to forget the fact that many churches have wildly abused their power over centuries. ok ✋🏾😒
November 1, 2022
Initial rating: 5 stars
After I’ve had time to process the book: maybe 3 or 4 stars

I’m still not sure because this book really left me very motivated and touched.

I have hermit tendencies that have been exacerbated by the difficulties of motherhood. I typically won’t be the first to reach out or to invite people over. I am awful at making plans. Seriously awful. Huge flaw. It’s not because i don’t care, I care more than you’ll ever know!! But, if someone else asks me to do something, I am there! If you need me to come help you organize your closet, I’ll be there in ten! Play date tomorrow? Absolutely!

This book gave me the sense of yes, girls unite!! I have never had a huge group of friends. I’ve only ever had a couple close friends at a time growing up. I knew a lot of people and they were acquaintances but never did I have more than 1-2 real friends at a time. Now that I’m in my mid thirties Its still the same. I have a best friend who I absolutely adore. I think about her all the time. Always want to make plans and get together. Always have the intentions of getting together with her. But, then i never make it happen. Before reading this i always felt sadness thinking about the lack of time spent together. But knew motherhood makes us crazy busy and crazy drained and life happens.

Fast forward. As I read this I absolutely loved the message of building your community. About getting together more with friends. About building your relationships. But then it made me really panic. O my gosh I am an absolutely terrible friend! I have so many terrible flaws. How does my best friend even like me?! I have to immediately text her and apologize for being terrible!

After my panic text I got to thinking, am I terrible though? Yes we don’t keep in contact a ton or hang out very often but I love her! She is just such an amazing person! When we get together it’s like no time has passed and we chat and have a great time. Would I love to hang out more and be more involved! Absolutely!

I love the idea of having a small group of friends that you get together with and be really involved with. I love the idea of weekly get togethers. I loved the biblical preaching of man is not made to be alone and how it goes into details about that. I love the sense of community. I love sharing the really ugly and the good and getting real about life. So yes, there is a lot of good to this book.

The bad? Being overly involved. Just show up to your friends house with no forewarning. Bring over a pizza and if they’ve already ate you will have leftovers! While that could be fun, in reality who would actually do that without a warning? I feel like it would be a tad disrespectful toward your friend. Or join a community and share your bank statements and pay stubs with your fellow friends and get their advice on future purchases. A bit too involved. Maybe if you are naturally introverted some of these things just plainly won’t work for you and that’s okay. And just because you may not be getting together once a week or in constant contact with your friends, it doesn’t make you a bad friend. Maybe I should stay away from self help books. I tend to dive into things and get overly invested and then take it too much to heart.

Would I recommend this? Absolutely! I Wish I would have voted for this book at book club because I think it would have been a great one to read with a group of people.
Profile Image for Madeline.
278 reviews5 followers
April 16, 2022
I got this as an ARC and didn’t read the fine print, but it hit me over the head as soon as I began. JESUS doesn’t want you to be lonely !! It’s the worst of the self help genre (little bullet points and and rhetorical questions right out of a motivational speaker talk and bolded sentences so you don’t miss the point), plus mentions of god’s plan for “us.” Woof! not for me. DNF’d at a measly 10%
Profile Image for Crystal.
261 reviews25 followers
March 29, 2023
I cannot speak highly enough about this book.

Ill be vulnerable in order to leave an honest review. I’ve been saved for over 20 years. I’m an introvert, who comes from a tough home, so relationships have always been hard for me. In addition to that, my husband is an active duty soldier, so having to try to establish new relationships repeatedly due to moving often when I already struggle with connection, has really been difficult to navigate. And in all honesty the biggest challenge I deal with in my life. In the 20 years since I’ve been saved, I’ve read numerous books about relationships, and have come away more discouraged after reading them the majority of the time. Because they’ve talked about the importance of connection and community, how much we should value it, and why the enemy is after it. I’ve come away thinking, “I know how important community is but HOW do you get it when connection is hard for you?” This book addresses the HOW. There are so many practical suggestions of ways to connect, I read this in small pieces to put it into application and actually try it before moving on. I had a couple of hard conversations after the promptings of this book, that mended relationships that were on the brink of being severed. And I have relationship tools I didn’t have before after reading this.

This is one of those books I’m going to re-read a little from each week for a long while until the wisdom gets deep enough into my spirit that it becomes second nature. I’m so thankful I came across this book and definitely recommend it to anyone who struggles with relationships or just wants to improve your connections with others.
Profile Image for Emma Smithson.
17 reviews
June 23, 2022
just the perfect book for someone who just graduated, is moving to a new place, or adjusting to a life uncomfortable to what they’re used to! Jennie Allen has a special place in my heart for her wise & truth-filled words ❤️‍🔥
161 reviews2 followers
March 20, 2022
Find Your People is marketed as a strategic book to help people find and keep their village. I struggled with how to review this one. For a small group of people, I think this book could be extremely helpful and exactly what they need to take those next steps. However, I don't think this book will hit the mark with people outside of that small group. First, this book is very religious. Nearly every piece of advice is tied back to the Bible and how Jesus is our guide to finding your village. I wish I had known how much religion would be tied into this book. It didn't hit home with me. In addition to that, this book is written for a privileged audience. Not everyone has the ability to put these action steps into their lives just based on their own circumstances. I would have appreciated a little more attention to ways that all people could incorporate this into their lives.

As an introvert, there were a few key takeaways from the book about putting myself out there and making an effort to build my village, but there weren't enough takeaways for me to recommend this book to others unless they fall into that small group I think would benefit from this group.

Thank you to NetGalley and WaterBrook & Multnomah for the ARC of this book.
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