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516 pages, Hardcover
First published October 12, 2021
“I once thought that you could find all the secrets of the universe in someone’s hand.
And I think that’s true. I did find all the secrets of the universe in your hand. Your hand, Dante.”
“And then I heard myself whisper, “Mom, why didn’t anybody tell me that love hurts so much?”
“If I had told you, would it have changed anything?”
“There’s a world out there that’s going to make you feel like that you don’t belong in this country—or any other country, for that matter. But in this house, Ari, there is only belonging. You belong to us. And we belong to you.”
“Life, Ari, can be an ugly thing. But life can be so incredibly beautiful. It’s both. And we have to learn to hold the contradictions inside us without despairing, without losing our hope.”
“When you are standing all alone,” she whispered, “the people who notice—those are the people who stand by your side. Those are the people who love you.”
“I don’t ever want to wake up,” he whispered.
“We have to go home.”
“I’m already home. I’m with you.”
That made me smile. Such a Dante thing to say.”
“Maybe all we were meant to do on this earth was to keep on telling stories. Our stories—and the stories of the people we loved.”
“And then there was this: Love didn’t just have something to do with my heart—it had something to do with my body. And my body had never felt so alive. And then I knew, I finally knew about this thing called desire.”
“I love the rain more than anything.”
“I know. I want to be the rain.”
“You are the rain, Dante.” And I wanted to say You’re the rain and you’re the desert and you’re the eraser that’s making the word “loneliness” disappear. But it was too much to say and I would always be the guy that would say too little and Dante was the kind of guy who would always say too much.”
“And he asked me, “Why don’t you ever sing?”
“Singing means that you’re happy.”
“You’re not happy?”
“Maybe only when I’m with you.”
I loved when I said something that made Dante smile.”
“She just looked at me in that same kind of way that she had always looked at me. And I wondered if I could ever look at anybody like that, a look that held all the good things that existed in the known universe.”
“Everything was so new. It felt as if I had just been born. This life that I was living now, it was like diving into an ocean when all I had known was a swimming pool. There were no storms in a swimming pool. Storms, they were born in the oceans of the world.”
“I thought of the sound of his voice the very first time I heard it. I didn’t know that voice was going to change my life. I thought he was only going to teach me how to swim in the waters of this swimming pool. Instead, he taught me how to dive into the waters of life.”
“Last year, Mr. Blocker said we could find ourselves in our own writing. All I could think was this: Sounds like a good place to get lost. Yeah, I think I might get lost a hundred times, a thousand times, before I find out who I am and where I’m going.”
“Sometimes I had beautiful words living inside of me and I just couldn’t push those words out so that other people could see they were there.”
“My mother smiled—and then she broke into a very soft laugh. She ran her fingers through my hair. “Oh, Ari, let your sisters love you. Let yourself be loved. For all you know, there’s a long line of people wanting you to let them in.”
“I didn’t know if I was crying because of what my father had said. I think that was part of it. But, really, I think I was crying about a lot of things, about me and my desire for another boy’s body, which was mysterious and terrifying and confusing. I was crying about my brother, whose ghost haunted me. I was crying because I realized how much I loved my father, who was becoming someone I knew. He wasn’t a stranger anymore. I was crying because I had wasted so much time thinking shitty things about him, instead of seeing him as a quiet, kind man who had suffered through a hell called war and had survived.”
“Everyone had disappeared from the universe except the young man whose hand I was holding, and everything that had ever been born and everything that had ever died existed where his hand touched mine. Everything—the blue of the sky, the rain in the clouds, the white of the sand, the water in the oceans, all the languages of all the nations, and all the broken hearts that had learned to beat in their brokenness.”
“I didn’t feel lost as I kissed Dante. Not lost at all. I had found where I belonged.”
“I had never felt this alive and I thought that I would never love anyone or anything as much as I loved Dante in this very moment. He was the map of the world and everything that mattered.”
“I sometimes felt like I’d been asleep for a long time—and when I met Dante, I began to wake up, and I began seeing not only him but the mean and terrible and awesome world I lived in. The world was a scary place to live in, and it would always be scary—but you could learn not to be afraid. I guess I had to decide what was more real, the scary things or—or Dante. Dante, he was the most real thing in my world.”
“Before we left, she told us to always remember the things that matter, and that it was up to us to decide what mattered and what didn’t. She hugged us both. “And remember that you matter more to the universe than you will ever know.”
“It was so easy just to be with Dante. When we touched, it seemed like it was something pure. What wasn’t easy was learning how to live in the world, with all of its judgments. Those judgments managed to make their way into my body. It was like swimming in a storm at sea. Any minute, you could drown. At least it felt like that. One minute the sea was calm. And then there was a storm. And the problem, with me, anyway, was that the storm lived inside me."
“People were complicated. I was complicated. Dante, he was complicated, too. People—they were included in the mysteries of the universe. What mattered is that he was an original. That he was beautiful and human and real and I loved him—and I didn’t think anything would ever change that.”
“Your loneliness made me sad, Ari. And there’s something about you. I mean, people are like countries, and me and Gina, and your friend Dante, we’re all countries—and maybe you’ve given your friend Dante a visa. But even if you have, that’s just one person. And one person isn’t enough. Having friends is like traveling. Gina and I have offered you a visa to travel to our countries whenever you want. So, Ari, when are you going to give us a visa? We want so much to visit you. We want so much for you to show us around your beautiful country.” And she was crying again.”
“Let’s map out the year, Dante. Let’s write our names and chart out some paths. And go see what we have never seen. And be what we have never been.”
“You know, we not only have to be smart enough to be cartographers—we also have to be brave enough to dive into waters that may not be very friendly.”
“But the problem was that love was never safe. Love took you to places you had always been afraid to go. What the hell did I know about love? Sometimes, when I was in Dante’s presence, I felt that I knew everything there was to know about love. But, for me, to love was one thing. To let yourself be loved, well, that was the most difficult thing of all.”
“And all of this is because you looked at me one day at a swimming pool and said to yourself, I bet I can teach this guy how to swim. You saw me and I wasn’t invisible anymore. You taught me how to swim. And I didn’t have to be afraid of the water anymore. And you gave me enough words to rename the universe I lived in.”
“I was also learning that loving someone was different from falling in love with them."
As I felt the beating of Dante’s heart against the palm of my hand, I wished I could somehow reach into my chest and and rip out my own heart and show Dante everything that it held.
Time didn’t exist, and whatever the world thought of us, we didn’t live in anybody’s world but our own at that very moment.
Dante, Dante, Dante. He was like a heart that was beating in every pore of my body. His heart was beating in my heart. His heart was beating in my head. His heart was beating in my stomach. His heart was beating in my legs. His heart was beating in my arms, my hands, my fingers. His heart was beating in my tongue, my lips. No wonder I was trembling. Trembling, trembling, trembling.
People say that love is like a kind of heaven. I was beginning to think that love is a kind of hell.
Everyone had disappeared from the universe expect the young man whose hand I was holding and everything that had ever been born and everything that had ever died existed where his hand touched mine.
There was only me and him and the darkness around us and the threat of a storm and there was a campfire and it made Dante seem like he was appearing out of the darkness, his face shining in the light of the fire. I had never felt this alive and I thought that I would never love anyone or anything as much as I loved Dante in this very moment.
Sometimes I think that I’m nothing but a lot of emotions all tangled up in my body and I don’t know how to untangle them.
”You’re every poem I’ve ever loved.”