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My Life on the Line: How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me and Ended Up Saving My Life
"Football gave Ryan O'Callaghan a scholarship to Cal and the chance to earn millions in the NFL, but it also afforded him something far more important: a place to hide. As a closeted gay man, his helmet and pads became tools of deception...O'Callaghan, who retired in 2011 after four seasons, eventually found the courage to live his truth in retirement. His memoir offers an unsparing look at the nexus of sexuality and football."
--Sports Illustrated
"O'Callaghan came out as gay in 2017 after retiring from the league in 2011. Fearing condemnation while hiding his sexual orientation during a football career that spanned six seasons, O'Callaghan said he had regular suicidal thoughts while growing addicted to painkillers and he had elaborately planned his own death for retirement. In My Life On the Line, co-authored by Outsports co-founder Cyd Zeigler, O'Callaghan...credits then-Kansas City Chiefs executive Scott Pioli and Dr. Susan Wilson for saving his life once he came out to them."
--USA Today
"In a new book due out in September, O'Callaghan discusses his life story, including the treatment he received from former teammates after coming out."
--Boston Globe
"Former Patriots lineman Ryan O'Callaghan spent his entire career hiding his sexuality from his teammates, his friends and his family. He is now sharing that battle in his new book, My Life On The Line."
--CBS Boston (WBZ TV)
"O'Callaghan believes the NFL is moving in the right direction with social issues, albeit slowly...O'Callaghan is part of that change. And that change saved his life."
--Boston Globe, feature on Ryan O'Callaghan
"As one of the few openly gay former U.S. players, O'Callaghan's goal became making it easier for future athletes to be open about their sexuality and gender identity well before they enter professional sports."
--Reuters
"O'Callaghan is one of only a few openly gay former NFL players...In his upcoming memoir, My Life on the Line: How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me and Ended Up Saving My Life, O'Callaghan candidly discusses his addictions, mental health and struggles with his sexuality."
--Washington Blade
Ryan O'Callaghan's plan was always to play football and then, when his career was over, kill himself. Growing up in a politically conservative corner of California, the not-so-subtle messages he heard as a young man from his family and from TV and film routinely equated being gay with disease and death. Letting people in on the darkest secret he kept buried inside was not an option: better death with a secret than life as a gay man. As a kid, Ryan never envisioned just how far his football career would take him. He was recruited by the University of California, Berkeley, where he spent five seasons, playing alongside his friend Aaron Rodgers. Then it was on to the NFL for stints with the almost-undefeated New England Patriots and the often-defeated Kansas City Chiefs.
Bubbling under the surface of Ryan's entire NFL career was a collision course between his secret sexuality and his hidden drug use. When the league caught him smoking pot, he turned to NFL-sanctioned prescription painkillers that quickly sent his life into a tailspin. As injuries mounted and his daily intake of opioids reached a near-lethal level, he wrote his suicide note to his parents and plotted his death.
232 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 3, 2019
About the author
Ryan O'Callaghan
1 book8 followersRYAN O’CALLAGHAN played right tackle in the NFL for six seasons, with the New England Patriots and Kansas City Chiefs. Before he was drafted by the Patriots in 2006, he played for the University of California Golden Bears, where he helped the team win two bowl games and was named the 2005 Morris Trophy winner as the Pac-10’s best offensive lineman. O’Callaghan is the creator of a foundation designed to provide scholarships for out LGBTQ athletes. He currently lives in his hometown of Redding, California. My Life on the Line: How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me, and Ended Up Saving My Life is his debut memoir.
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August 29, 2019
By the time I finished reading this book, I had tears in my eyes. Let me be clear, you do not need to be a sports fan to read this book. There is so much more to Ryan than his career as a football player. This is the story of someone who didn't feel like he could live his life as an openly gay man. He thought death was the better option. Let that sink in. He was willing to kill himself because he didn't think people would ever accept the real Ryan O'Callaghan. Absolutely heartbreaking but thankfully he has realized his life is worth living and by sharing his story he will no doubt help countless others.
This book is full of just raw honesty which was very refreshing. One of the things I found fascinating was Ryan was never passionate about football. He had fun playing but he wasn't the type of athlete who lived and breathed the sport. He also didn't hesitate in calling out former coaches who he didn't get along with, but he was also generous with praise for the people who helped him along the way. His friendship with Aaron Rodgers is also discussed in the book as well as some of the rumors surrounding Aaron. I'm sure there's two sides to the story and all that, but Aaron's ability to just cut people out of his life with no explanation is so strange to me.
As the injuries mounted up, Ryan spiraled into addiction. He makes a valid point that the NFL needs to do a better job in taking care of its players. When you have players like Ryan who turn to large quantities of prescription pain pills because the league is okay with that but doles out suspensions for marijuana use, well, that's a problem. His journey into addiction is just another compelling story he has to tell.
I beg anyone who thinks athletes or other public figures should keep quiet about their sexuality, to read this book. I honestly don't see how anyone could listen to Ryan's story and see the damage "staying in the closet" caused and still have that opinion. Thousands and thousands of professional athletes in sports like football, basketball, and baseball, and yet only a few have ever come out. That's not right. We need to make it right so people aren't afraid to be who they are, and I think this book is a big step in helping accomplish that goal.
I won a free advance copy of this book from the publisher and LibraryThing's Early Reviewers program. I was under no obligation to post a review here and all views expressed are my honest opinion.
This book is full of just raw honesty which was very refreshing. One of the things I found fascinating was Ryan was never passionate about football. He had fun playing but he wasn't the type of athlete who lived and breathed the sport. He also didn't hesitate in calling out former coaches who he didn't get along with, but he was also generous with praise for the people who helped him along the way. His friendship with Aaron Rodgers is also discussed in the book as well as some of the rumors surrounding Aaron. I'm sure there's two sides to the story and all that, but Aaron's ability to just cut people out of his life with no explanation is so strange to me.
As the injuries mounted up, Ryan spiraled into addiction. He makes a valid point that the NFL needs to do a better job in taking care of its players. When you have players like Ryan who turn to large quantities of prescription pain pills because the league is okay with that but doles out suspensions for marijuana use, well, that's a problem. His journey into addiction is just another compelling story he has to tell.
I beg anyone who thinks athletes or other public figures should keep quiet about their sexuality, to read this book. I honestly don't see how anyone could listen to Ryan's story and see the damage "staying in the closet" caused and still have that opinion. Thousands and thousands of professional athletes in sports like football, basketball, and baseball, and yet only a few have ever come out. That's not right. We need to make it right so people aren't afraid to be who they are, and I think this book is a big step in helping accomplish that goal.
I won a free advance copy of this book from the publisher and LibraryThing's Early Reviewers program. I was under no obligation to post a review here and all views expressed are my honest opinion.
September 22, 2019
This book is an honest and fascinating look at the damage being in the closet does to people all over America. Ryan grew up in a part of California he describes as more conservative than Alabama, in a family, school, and community where casual homophobia was just part of the landscape. Anything that was weak or pathetic or ugly or undesirable or unpatriotic or... you name it... was queer and "damned fags" and homo.
Until a little boy who knew he felt no attraction to girls was convinced the most awful thing he could ever be was gay. Until he was convinced that everyone in his life, from parents to friends to coaches to strangers on the street, would hate and reject and ridicule him at the slightest hint he wasn't straight. Until every move he made, every word, every pastime, his clothes, even his body, were weighed on an internal scale of "How straight does this make me look?"
He played the most "manly" of sports, he was unkind to anyone who seemed in the least gay at school, he never touched another man, he even gained extra weight that would tax his body and cause injuries, because "fat slob" was a straight-guy look in his desperate mind. He bought a truck, he collected guns, he went hunting. And still, every moment he wasn't out there playing ball, he was calculating how not to seem gay.
That emotional pressure cooker was added to by the injuries from playing a high-impact sport, especially carrying his extra "camouflage" weight. And the combination of pain, stress, fear, hiding, and the demand to subjugate everything to winning for the team was oppressive to carry. Add in drugs to control the pain, and underneath the big pro-NFL exterior, Ryan O'Callaghan was a train wreck waiting to eventually happen.
In addition to the way this book highlights the damage done by homophobia (and to a degree by all the expectations of macho male culture) it also highlights the damage pro sports do to the people who play them for our viewing pleasure.
I read this in the same week I read (and reread) a wonderful fictional account of a gay hockey player that focused on that same issue. In this book, the way we break a man down to someone who ends up on permanent disability, for the sake of ball games won and lost and fans and dollars, was secondary. And yet, I think both of those parts are vitally important.
Homophobia kills. Ryan was days away from finally ending his life, sure that no one could accept him if they knew the truth. Many LGBTQ folk step over that line, some of them before they're even old enough to know what life is about.
And we need to be not just neutral, but proactive, to counter the cruel messages out there. He points out that just saying "we support diversity" is not enough - he had a team talk from a gay ex-player at training camp early in his career, and it just made him even more terrified it might take away his "only straight guys play football" cover.
Proactive means changing a culture. Because other than a few promo gay-friendly moments, the team was all about what hot women were around, who put out, who had big tits, did you get laid as much as I did...? It wasn't just homophobia. The focus on het sex as the measure of a man was so ubiquitous, it drowned out all other voices. And that's not just a problem for gay and bi guys, but for asexual spectrum guys, and for women, whose bodies should not be the measure of a man's worth. Men of all orientations and women, and enby folk, all urgently need this culture to change, but it's a work that will be in progress for a long, long time.
Pro sports also kill and destroy players, usually in a long, slow degenerative way once their youth and strength is used up for entertainment. Sometimes faster, when a young player is disabled before they ever make the big time and the big money. The question of what to do about that is far less clear-cut.
Life has risks. Many professions have a physical, even lethal, risk to them. So do sports like mountain climbing that most people do for their own satisfaction, without money and crowds to motivate them. It feels more unfair for someone to be permanently disabled playing for our entertainment than putting out a fire or building a house, but it's a continuum. How do we measure the social worth of a job, and should that matter to how we protect the people who do it?
Safety regulations need to both work correctly and be justifiable within the framework of the job that needs to be done. And harm needs to be mitigated. The NFL at least offers a disability pension to players who are ground up and spat out the other side unable to work. How much more should be done, what kind of changes of rules about equipment, game play, treatment of injured players, etc needs to happen? How do we protect players at lower levels who face the risk without the payout? (Several of Ryan's surgeries came before he ever hit the NFL.)
These questions are important, and it shows how salient they are, to be so visible in this book that is really focused on the damage done by homophobia in pro sports. In a way, the homophobia is a simpler problem logically, though not psychologically. But as we strive to become a just society, we need to keep both in mind.
Ryan did an important, welcome, courageous thing in his coming out, and deciding to go big and wide with it. This book is well-written, engaging though not gripping, and feels deeply honest. It's important, not least because young athletes out there can see one more gay man who blows all their stereotypes out of the water, but also because of the hope his story of each coming out, and the number of unexpectedly positive reactions he received, gives a reader.
And yet, there is still no out gay active player. That pressure to stay in the closet is still holding back 300-pound millionaires from living their real lives. This is a fascinating and heartbreaking look at how deep that goes.
To me, it also shows how important it is for all of us who are allies to speak up every day. Wear rainbow pins and "I'll go with you" buttons, put bumper stickers on your car, stop your uncle or grandmother when they spout off about "the gays" in public or around the family.
Ryan talks about growing up in a wasteland - not one where there were no gay people, but one in which there were no "normal" people around him who supported those LGBTQ individuals and their rights. We need to be that voice, wherever we can safely be, because you never know if the kid in the line at the store behind you may never have seen someone who doesn't nod and go along, or look away, when the word "fag" hits the conversation. That niece at the family gathering may not have told you she needs you to tell Grandpa to quit running down "lezzies". He may never listen to what you're saying, but she deserves to hear you defend girls like her because it's right, even when her secret is still locked inside her.
Sadly, there are some people who would rather their kid was dead than LGBTQ, but for many it's just an unquestioned part of the culture they are immersed in. Our job is to stand up and question that, and praise non-conformity, and raise strong, independent, accepting kids ourselves. You never know, the kid you save from deciding on suicide, may be your own Ryan O'Callaghan.
Until a little boy who knew he felt no attraction to girls was convinced the most awful thing he could ever be was gay. Until he was convinced that everyone in his life, from parents to friends to coaches to strangers on the street, would hate and reject and ridicule him at the slightest hint he wasn't straight. Until every move he made, every word, every pastime, his clothes, even his body, were weighed on an internal scale of "How straight does this make me look?"
He played the most "manly" of sports, he was unkind to anyone who seemed in the least gay at school, he never touched another man, he even gained extra weight that would tax his body and cause injuries, because "fat slob" was a straight-guy look in his desperate mind. He bought a truck, he collected guns, he went hunting. And still, every moment he wasn't out there playing ball, he was calculating how not to seem gay.
That emotional pressure cooker was added to by the injuries from playing a high-impact sport, especially carrying his extra "camouflage" weight. And the combination of pain, stress, fear, hiding, and the demand to subjugate everything to winning for the team was oppressive to carry. Add in drugs to control the pain, and underneath the big pro-NFL exterior, Ryan O'Callaghan was a train wreck waiting to eventually happen.
In addition to the way this book highlights the damage done by homophobia (and to a degree by all the expectations of macho male culture) it also highlights the damage pro sports do to the people who play them for our viewing pleasure.
I read this in the same week I read (and reread) a wonderful fictional account of a gay hockey player that focused on that same issue. In this book, the way we break a man down to someone who ends up on permanent disability, for the sake of ball games won and lost and fans and dollars, was secondary. And yet, I think both of those parts are vitally important.
Homophobia kills. Ryan was days away from finally ending his life, sure that no one could accept him if they knew the truth. Many LGBTQ folk step over that line, some of them before they're even old enough to know what life is about.
And we need to be not just neutral, but proactive, to counter the cruel messages out there. He points out that just saying "we support diversity" is not enough - he had a team talk from a gay ex-player at training camp early in his career, and it just made him even more terrified it might take away his "only straight guys play football" cover.
Proactive means changing a culture. Because other than a few promo gay-friendly moments, the team was all about what hot women were around, who put out, who had big tits, did you get laid as much as I did...? It wasn't just homophobia. The focus on het sex as the measure of a man was so ubiquitous, it drowned out all other voices. And that's not just a problem for gay and bi guys, but for asexual spectrum guys, and for women, whose bodies should not be the measure of a man's worth. Men of all orientations and women, and enby folk, all urgently need this culture to change, but it's a work that will be in progress for a long, long time.
Pro sports also kill and destroy players, usually in a long, slow degenerative way once their youth and strength is used up for entertainment. Sometimes faster, when a young player is disabled before they ever make the big time and the big money. The question of what to do about that is far less clear-cut.
Life has risks. Many professions have a physical, even lethal, risk to them. So do sports like mountain climbing that most people do for their own satisfaction, without money and crowds to motivate them. It feels more unfair for someone to be permanently disabled playing for our entertainment than putting out a fire or building a house, but it's a continuum. How do we measure the social worth of a job, and should that matter to how we protect the people who do it?
Safety regulations need to both work correctly and be justifiable within the framework of the job that needs to be done. And harm needs to be mitigated. The NFL at least offers a disability pension to players who are ground up and spat out the other side unable to work. How much more should be done, what kind of changes of rules about equipment, game play, treatment of injured players, etc needs to happen? How do we protect players at lower levels who face the risk without the payout? (Several of Ryan's surgeries came before he ever hit the NFL.)
These questions are important, and it shows how salient they are, to be so visible in this book that is really focused on the damage done by homophobia in pro sports. In a way, the homophobia is a simpler problem logically, though not psychologically. But as we strive to become a just society, we need to keep both in mind.
Ryan did an important, welcome, courageous thing in his coming out, and deciding to go big and wide with it. This book is well-written, engaging though not gripping, and feels deeply honest. It's important, not least because young athletes out there can see one more gay man who blows all their stereotypes out of the water, but also because of the hope his story of each coming out, and the number of unexpectedly positive reactions he received, gives a reader.
And yet, there is still no out gay active player. That pressure to stay in the closet is still holding back 300-pound millionaires from living their real lives. This is a fascinating and heartbreaking look at how deep that goes.
To me, it also shows how important it is for all of us who are allies to speak up every day. Wear rainbow pins and "I'll go with you" buttons, put bumper stickers on your car, stop your uncle or grandmother when they spout off about "the gays" in public or around the family.
Ryan talks about growing up in a wasteland - not one where there were no gay people, but one in which there were no "normal" people around him who supported those LGBTQ individuals and their rights. We need to be that voice, wherever we can safely be, because you never know if the kid in the line at the store behind you may never have seen someone who doesn't nod and go along, or look away, when the word "fag" hits the conversation. That niece at the family gathering may not have told you she needs you to tell Grandpa to quit running down "lezzies". He may never listen to what you're saying, but she deserves to hear you defend girls like her because it's right, even when her secret is still locked inside her.
Sadly, there are some people who would rather their kid was dead than LGBTQ, but for many it's just an unquestioned part of the culture they are immersed in. Our job is to stand up and question that, and praise non-conformity, and raise strong, independent, accepting kids ourselves. You never know, the kid you save from deciding on suicide, may be your own Ryan O'Callaghan.
August 4, 2021
My eyes glaze over whenever someone tries to explain the rules of football to me. Downs, yards to go, turnovers? In one ear and out the other. My interest in reading this book stemmed from it being about a gay professional football player and how hiding his sexuality impacted his life in and out of the NFL.
This is a very heavy book, Ryan talks extensively about how he always planned to end his life once his football career was over. Planning to never come out so he wouldn’t have to deal with what he assumed would be hatred or being ostracized from his family and teammates. He also details how because of football injuries and not being able to smoke weed he became dependent on opioids. It was illuminating to see his experiences with how the NFL treats players who have to fight for disability status because of the injuries they suffered in the sport.
I do think that the writing itself was pretty mediocre. I never felt truly sucked into Ryan's story and at times it felt like it was keeping from connecting to the subject matter as much as I could. It was a quick read, I just wish that the writing did more to elevate the subject matter.
This is a very heavy book, Ryan talks extensively about how he always planned to end his life once his football career was over. Planning to never come out so he wouldn’t have to deal with what he assumed would be hatred or being ostracized from his family and teammates. He also details how because of football injuries and not being able to smoke weed he became dependent on opioids. It was illuminating to see his experiences with how the NFL treats players who have to fight for disability status because of the injuries they suffered in the sport.
I do think that the writing itself was pretty mediocre. I never felt truly sucked into Ryan's story and at times it felt like it was keeping from connecting to the subject matter as much as I could. It was a quick read, I just wish that the writing did more to elevate the subject matter.
October 30, 2019
Awesome story!
September 8, 2019
This book is an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs. Ryan has had significant struggle in his life and this story was written openly and honestly about those struggles with being gay, suicidal thoughts, drug abuse, NFL injury ect.
I found it was not the best technical writing but in a way that made the story feel authentic. These words are likely his exact thoughts/feelings. I appreciated the courage to put these words out in the world even when they don't paint you in the best light. I also appreciate the behind the curtain look at inside the NFL.
Hopefully this book will give hope to other LGBTQ+ athletes to say that it is ok to live their authentic lives.
I found it was not the best technical writing but in a way that made the story feel authentic. These words are likely his exact thoughts/feelings. I appreciated the courage to put these words out in the world even when they don't paint you in the best light. I also appreciate the behind the curtain look at inside the NFL.
Hopefully this book will give hope to other LGBTQ+ athletes to say that it is ok to live their authentic lives.
September 29, 2019
I grew up in Massachusetts and consider myself a Patriot. I am also gay and could relate to all the mental gymnastics Ryan put himself through; however, you do not have to be a sports fan or gay to understand this book. What he has done here is nothing short of a miracle. I've never been more proud to be a Patriot than after reading this book. His story will afford hundreds, if not thousands, of our most vulnerable athletes the opportunity to write their own story. The Patriots have a saying, Do Your Job! I can't think of a Patriot that has understood that and executed it more perfectly.
October 14, 2020
I once had a coworker who told me, "My son will never play football." I questioned why and he said the injuries can be life ending. This novel by Ryan O'Callaghan shares his football injuries, opioid addiction, suicidal ideation, and the fact he was gay, and playing in the NFL. I listened to the audio read by Graham Halstead which his voice was easy to listened to and conservational. Ryan gives credit to some people that helped him say first to himself that it was okay to be gay and to empower him to tell others close to him. Ryan's message is sincere and he wants to help other young LGBTQ athletes struggling with their identity.
March 7, 2022
I laughed and cried. I have been an active union member all my life as was my father before me so to see even elite athletes coin the phrase “ talk to the union guy” was mind blowing. Though in truth I am probably the only one for whom this was a take away. This book is beyond courageous. Ryan bears his soul and take us on his painful journey to self acceptance and love. I am a better person for reading his book. I thank him for his courage in writing it.
August 1, 2019
MY LIFE ON THE LINE: HOW THE NFL DAMN NEAR KILLED ME AND ENDED UP SAVING MY LIFE is written by Ryan O’Callaghan with Cyd Zeigler.
This book is an ARC (Advance Reading Copy) sent to me by Akashic Books.
MY LIFE ON THE LINE is one of Akashic Books Edge of Sports imprint. This series “addresses issues across many different sports at both the professional and nonprofessional/collegiate level”. I have read several of these titles and they are - each one - excellent, informative, interesting, and sometimes life-changing reading.
MY LIFE ON THE LINE was accompanied by a lengthy press kit which always proves interesting and informative. I was impressed by the bio information on Ryan O’Callaghan and Cyd Zeigler. Excerpts from a 2017 NPR All Things Considered story were especially poignant.
MY LIFE ON THE LINE is scheduled to be published on September 3, 2019
MY LIFE ON THE LINE contains:
An Introduction (which is chilling and very uncomfortable to read); 21 chapters; an epilogue and The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number 1-800-273-8255 on the last written page.
This memoir is revealing. It is powerful. It is honest and a very brave book to write. It is often uncomfortable to read. It is chilling in parts - especially how Ryan prepares for his suicide. It is overwhelming in Ryan’s despair and low self-confidence and sense of self. I don’t pity him. I get angry with him about his addiction to opioids. I get angry and a bit puzzled why those closest to him personally and professionally didn’t recognize his loneliness and despair. I am so, so sorry it took so long for him to realize his own sense of self and significance to others. I am so, so sorry that no one in collegiate and professional sports took much interest in him personally. As Ryan writes on page 115 “I was a business decision.” Nothing more.
Ryan O’Callaghan is gay. He has always seen himself as gay and never felt he could express himself, his true personality and feelings. He created a shield around himself which led to very defensive behaviors on his part, despair, loneliness, and plans for suicide.
He excelled in football - high school, college and the NFL - part of his defensive shield mentality. His debilitating football injuries led to a severe, almost fatal opioid addiction. At age 28, he felt the only way out was suicide.
One person - a trainer in the Kansas City Chiefs organization - reached out to Ryan, realizing that he was out of control with the drugs and needed a place where he could talk and unburden himself of his demons.
Mr. Price (trainer) and Dr. Susan Wilson (a clinical psychologist) saved Ryan O’Callaghan’s life.
This book is an ARC (Advance Reading Copy) sent to me by Akashic Books.
MY LIFE ON THE LINE is one of Akashic Books Edge of Sports imprint. This series “addresses issues across many different sports at both the professional and nonprofessional/collegiate level”. I have read several of these titles and they are - each one - excellent, informative, interesting, and sometimes life-changing reading.
MY LIFE ON THE LINE was accompanied by a lengthy press kit which always proves interesting and informative. I was impressed by the bio information on Ryan O’Callaghan and Cyd Zeigler. Excerpts from a 2017 NPR All Things Considered story were especially poignant.
MY LIFE ON THE LINE is scheduled to be published on September 3, 2019
MY LIFE ON THE LINE contains:
An Introduction (which is chilling and very uncomfortable to read); 21 chapters; an epilogue and The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number 1-800-273-8255 on the last written page.
This memoir is revealing. It is powerful. It is honest and a very brave book to write. It is often uncomfortable to read. It is chilling in parts - especially how Ryan prepares for his suicide. It is overwhelming in Ryan’s despair and low self-confidence and sense of self. I don’t pity him. I get angry with him about his addiction to opioids. I get angry and a bit puzzled why those closest to him personally and professionally didn’t recognize his loneliness and despair. I am so, so sorry it took so long for him to realize his own sense of self and significance to others. I am so, so sorry that no one in collegiate and professional sports took much interest in him personally. As Ryan writes on page 115 “I was a business decision.” Nothing more.
Ryan O’Callaghan is gay. He has always seen himself as gay and never felt he could express himself, his true personality and feelings. He created a shield around himself which led to very defensive behaviors on his part, despair, loneliness, and plans for suicide.
He excelled in football - high school, college and the NFL - part of his defensive shield mentality. His debilitating football injuries led to a severe, almost fatal opioid addiction. At age 28, he felt the only way out was suicide.
One person - a trainer in the Kansas City Chiefs organization - reached out to Ryan, realizing that he was out of control with the drugs and needed a place where he could talk and unburden himself of his demons.
Mr. Price (trainer) and Dr. Susan Wilson (a clinical psychologist) saved Ryan O’Callaghan’s life.
June 12, 2024
My Life on the Line is a straightforward account of one's man's struggle with coming out of the closet. Author Ryan O'Callaghan with this book wanted his readers to understand how hard it is to come out as gay in a macho and testosterone driven sport like football. This book is required reading for not only football fans who need to understand the human complexity of football players, but also for those who are dealing with their own struggles on coming out to their families, friends, and colleagues.
Just think, O'Callaghan had to hide his homosexuality for 14 years of his life which were spent playing football, with his career in that sport beginning on the high school level, then college, and then in the pros. To take a closer look at that time span, he had to go through four years (plus the off seasons) of the 1997 to 2000 seasons at Enterprise High School in Redding, California. Then five years at the University of California Berkeley which spanned the 2001 to 2005 seasons. Then there was the NFL, where he continued to hide his big secret for three years with the New England Patriots (2006 to 2008) and then two years with the Kansas City Chiefs (2009-2010).
The fact that O'Callaghan was a former football player brough me to this book in the first place, plus, I knew about his career and saw him play starting in college and then in the pros. But as it turned out, his struggles with coming out as a gay man, the process of him trying to live his life despite the rampant depression that stemmed from his hiding his homosexuality, and his serious use of painkillers was more intriguing to me than his football career. Go figure.
My Life on the Line has to be one of the most inspirational books that I've ever read. Here was a guy who contemplated suicide on quite a few occasions, who had to hide his secret for 14 years of football playing, had a painkiller addiction, and who fought through injuries throughout his entire NFL career and he's STILL HERE breathing!!! It takes a strong man to walk in O'Callaghan's shoes.
This was the third book I've ever read on a man who had to hide his homosexuality as an active football player, with the others being the late Roy Simmons' (1956-2014) 𝙊𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝘽𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙨 and Esera Tuaolo's 𝘼𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙏𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙨.
In closing, My Life on the Line is a welcome addition to my book's that I've read list. Why? Because the book didn't sugarcoat the struggles of being a closeted homosexual football player. That is a hard and mentally draining life to live, and O'Callaghan made sure his readers felt his pain. But on the other side he let you see in this book that you can beat your addictions (his to painkillers), your demons (struggling with suicide), and come out of the closet when it's the right time to for you.
Just think, O'Callaghan had to hide his homosexuality for 14 years of his life which were spent playing football, with his career in that sport beginning on the high school level, then college, and then in the pros. To take a closer look at that time span, he had to go through four years (plus the off seasons) of the 1997 to 2000 seasons at Enterprise High School in Redding, California. Then five years at the University of California Berkeley which spanned the 2001 to 2005 seasons. Then there was the NFL, where he continued to hide his big secret for three years with the New England Patriots (2006 to 2008) and then two years with the Kansas City Chiefs (2009-2010).
The fact that O'Callaghan was a former football player brough me to this book in the first place, plus, I knew about his career and saw him play starting in college and then in the pros. But as it turned out, his struggles with coming out as a gay man, the process of him trying to live his life despite the rampant depression that stemmed from his hiding his homosexuality, and his serious use of painkillers was more intriguing to me than his football career. Go figure.
My Life on the Line has to be one of the most inspirational books that I've ever read. Here was a guy who contemplated suicide on quite a few occasions, who had to hide his secret for 14 years of football playing, had a painkiller addiction, and who fought through injuries throughout his entire NFL career and he's STILL HERE breathing!!! It takes a strong man to walk in O'Callaghan's shoes.
This was the third book I've ever read on a man who had to hide his homosexuality as an active football player, with the others being the late Roy Simmons' (1956-2014) 𝙊𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝘽𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙨 and Esera Tuaolo's 𝘼𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙏𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙨.
In closing, My Life on the Line is a welcome addition to my book's that I've read list. Why? Because the book didn't sugarcoat the struggles of being a closeted homosexual football player. That is a hard and mentally draining life to live, and O'Callaghan made sure his readers felt his pain. But on the other side he let you see in this book that you can beat your addictions (his to painkillers), your demons (struggling with suicide), and come out of the closet when it's the right time to for you.
December 24, 2019
"Ready set hike!" That is what Ryan would hear every sunday from his QB, Tom Brady, but that is not the real interesting thing. Ryan was a Patriots Offensive Linemen who was hiding something from the whole NFL and his family. He was hiding that he was gay. This was a real problem back then because players would discriminate other players for being gay. Gay players couldn't even share with their coaches. An interesting part in the book was when he was descirbing his depression. However this got better for him. Ryan at the end of his carrer was an insperation to other gay players that could not speak up for themselves. This is one of the more interesting autobiographies that I have read. I recomend this book to NFL fans.
September 5, 2023
I really loved this autobiography about Ryan O’Callaghan. I have really found myself gravitating towards reading and learning about prominent queer/gay figures in the world.
I’m a gay man who has lots of different interests. From football to drag to water polo to CrossFit, there are so many different things that define me, rather than just my sexual orientation.
In addition to that, I related to a lot of his feelings and sentiments about masking his sexuality through things like his weight. While I didn’t have the exact same mental health struggles that he did, they were similar and I could absolutely relate to it. Loved this.
I’m a gay man who has lots of different interests. From football to drag to water polo to CrossFit, there are so many different things that define me, rather than just my sexual orientation.
In addition to that, I related to a lot of his feelings and sentiments about masking his sexuality through things like his weight. While I didn’t have the exact same mental health struggles that he did, they were similar and I could absolutely relate to it. Loved this.
November 15, 2019
Not usually a biography reader but this popped up as a kindle suggested read and I bought it immediately. I am a football and more specifically a Patriots fan so I was curious about the life of this person here in Pats Nation and his story as a whole. I read it in a day so it definitely kept my attention. It was really an interesting read front to back. I hope it is spread far and wide to help other struggling people as it seemed was the goal of Ryan telling his story. It did have a couple mistakes that should have been picked up by an editor but not enough to distract from the story.
April 5, 2020
An emotional roller coaster of a story written in the subject's own words. While the writing may not be the best, it is truly authentic and full of emotion which this type of story must have. From the first page the reader feels Ryan's inner turmoil, angst, conflict and loneliness as he navigates being gay. Reading about his descent into a deeper depression, suicide plans and drug addiction brought me to tears. His courage to slay his demons, find his way, and to help others is a huge win. Bigger than any Super Bowl win for sure.
January 28, 2023
Excellent memoir. Honest, analytical, thoughtful and insightful. The storytelling is relaxed yet extremely vivid and wholly absorbing. NFL fans will be treated to a cornucopia of delightful tidbits (and personalities). Closeted gays (and their parents/friends/teammates) will find inspiration in what should be recommended reading. Many big themes including corporate greed also in orbit here. Fans of audiobooks will savor Graham Halstead's assured pitch perfect performance. A memorable surprise.
November 26, 2019
Oh, Ryan! I love you for writing this book. I admire you for coming out, as I personally know what it entails. I can't imagine being gay in the NFL. But think about how much you have impacted people! I loved this book... It's not the best written book, but it is honest and heartfelt! I'm SO GLAD I won this through a Librarything giveaway!
March 2, 2024
Having watched him play football for my favorite team, it's surprising to see how different life is behind the scenes. For this autobiography, I like the rawness of his storytelling and the simplicity of his writing.
September 15, 2024
Straightforward telling of Ryan McCallaghan’s journey from child to retired NFL player. Mainly covers his struggles with keeping his sexuality hidden during most of this time and his addiction to pain killers.
October 12, 2019
Amazing book. Absolutely loved this guy’s story. Highly recommend for anyone with an interest in the NFL and LGBT issues!
November 8, 2019
Very good. It is so sad he had to go through what he did before he came out.
February 5, 2020
Thank you for sharing your story!
November 7, 2021
A heart filled book so truthful, and real of Brain playing days it makes the sport not football all do down to pain and gain.
July 5, 2022
Incredible story of his battle over cultural stereotypes fueling a desire to blend in. Powerful lesson in a time when mental illness and drug abuse is as prevalent as ever.
December 30, 2023
As a football and Patriots fan I was interested in Ryan’s story! Great story. Telling it how it really was for him, brave and honest!
March 8, 2024
Cawpile:9.07 5*
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February 29, 2020
This was a nice, easy read, and it was very informative about the intersection of football and being LGBT+. I enjoyed reading Ryan's story. It was easy to follow, and I feel that a lot of his voice came through in the pages. At times it felt more like reading an interview, which I liked. He touches upon many important topics within the NFL aside from gay visibility, including substance use and the physical demands of the sport. Definitely great if you're looking for an easy read; no need to be a big football aficionado. It's easy to follow. Some odd gaps in the narrative, but I guess I gotta take at face value.
October 16, 2019
Excellent read. Ryan grew up in nearby Redding. In the closet most of his life in this small rural(ish) conservative city and then during his career playing football at Cal and the NFL with the Pats and KC. Living nearby and working in Redding, I was very interested in his story which is heartbreaking at times. In addition to his often harrowing story of growing up in the closet and then living in a hyper masculine culture, there are fascinating glimpses into living with injuries, surgeries, and then addiction to pain killers while playing in the NFL as well playing professional football in general. I stepped out of my comfort zone to read some non-fiction and glad I did.
January 28, 2020
Though I'm a proud Cal Bears fan, I don't remember Ryan O'Callaghan though I do remember his former bestie Aaron Rodgers. But now I'm a proud Ryan O'Callaghan fan. Having seen Mr. O'Callaghan commenting in the Netflix Aaron Hernandez documentary, I became intrigued when I learned he had written a memoir of his coming out. I found his memoir to be authentic(plenty of f-bombs and bro-lingo that rings true) and poignant. I'm glad he overcame his battle with depression and addiction and am truly moved he is devoting his life to support young LBGTQ athletes. Bravo Ryan!
November 17, 2019
Excellent
Brave man. Inspiring - if semi tragic at times - story. As a gay man who does love football (especially my New England Patriots), his story will motivate me to do more and give more back to the community. Well done!
Brave man. Inspiring - if semi tragic at times - story. As a gay man who does love football (especially my New England Patriots), his story will motivate me to do more and give more back to the community. Well done!
September 18, 2024
girl we get if your bff is straight
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