What do you think?
Rate this book
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The pioneering experts behind The Whole-Brain Child—Tina Payne Bryson and Daniel J. Siegel, the author of Brainstorm—now explore the ultimate child-raising discipline.
Highlighting the fascinating link between a child’s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior, No-Drama Discipline provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears—without causing a scene.
Defining the true meaning of the “d” word (to instruct, not to shout or reprimand), the authors explain how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth. By doing so, the cycle of negative behavior (and punishment) is essentially brought to a halt, as problem solving becomes a win/win situation. Inside this sanity-saving guide you’ll discover
• strategies that help parents identify their own discipline philosophy—and master the best methods to communicate the lessons they are trying to impart
• facts on child brain development—and what kind of discipline is most appropriate and constructive at all ages and stages
• the way to calmly and lovingly connect with a child—no matter how extreme the behavior—while still setting clear and consistent limits
• tips for navigating your child through a tantrum to achieve insight, empathy, and repair
• twenty discipline mistakes even the best parents make—and how to stay focused on the principles of whole-brain parenting and discipline techniques
Complete with candid stories and playful illustrations that bring the authors’ suggestions to life, No-Drama Discipline shows you how to work with your child’s developing mind, peacefully resolve conflicts, and inspire happiness and strengthen resilience in everyone in the family.
Praise for No-Drama Discipline
“With lucid, engaging prose accompanied by cartoon illustrations, Siegel and Bryson help parents teach and communicate more effectively.”—Publishers Weekly
“A lot of fascinating insights . . . an eye-opener worth reading.”—Parents
“Insightful . . . The ideas presented in this latest book can actually be applied to all of our relationships, as it will help us in many circumstances to be able to calm down, have empathy for another person, and then communicate in a constructive way about our concerns and proposed solutions. What works to help children learn and behave better might also help our world’s leaders and large groups of people get along better, as many of us adults failed to develop these mindsight skills as we were growing up and we tend to sabotage our relationships with others as a result. Whether you are a parent, a teacher, or just a person who wishes to learn to get along better with others, you may find some valuable insights in No-Drama Discipline.”—Examiner.com
“Wow! This book grabbed me from the very first page and did not let go. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain extremely well why punishment is a dead-end strategy. Then they describe what to do instead. By making the latest breakthroughs in brain science accessible to any parent, they show why empathy and connection are the royal road to cooperation, discipline, and family harmony.”—Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., author of The Opposite of Worry
From the Hardcover edition.
Highlighting the fascinating link between a child’s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior, No-Drama Discipline provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears—without causing a scene.
Defining the true meaning of the “d” word (to instruct, not to shout or reprimand), the authors explain how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth. By doing so, the cycle of negative behavior (and punishment) is essentially brought to a halt, as problem solving becomes a win/win situation. Inside this sanity-saving guide you’ll discover
• strategies that help parents identify their own discipline philosophy—and master the best methods to communicate the lessons they are trying to impart
• facts on child brain development—and what kind of discipline is most appropriate and constructive at all ages and stages
• the way to calmly and lovingly connect with a child—no matter how extreme the behavior—while still setting clear and consistent limits
• tips for navigating your child through a tantrum to achieve insight, empathy, and repair
• twenty discipline mistakes even the best parents make—and how to stay focused on the principles of whole-brain parenting and discipline techniques
Complete with candid stories and playful illustrations that bring the authors’ suggestions to life, No-Drama Discipline shows you how to work with your child’s developing mind, peacefully resolve conflicts, and inspire happiness and strengthen resilience in everyone in the family.
Praise for No-Drama Discipline
“With lucid, engaging prose accompanied by cartoon illustrations, Siegel and Bryson help parents teach and communicate more effectively.”—Publishers Weekly
“A lot of fascinating insights . . . an eye-opener worth reading.”—Parents
“Insightful . . . The ideas presented in this latest book can actually be applied to all of our relationships, as it will help us in many circumstances to be able to calm down, have empathy for another person, and then communicate in a constructive way about our concerns and proposed solutions. What works to help children learn and behave better might also help our world’s leaders and large groups of people get along better, as many of us adults failed to develop these mindsight skills as we were growing up and we tend to sabotage our relationships with others as a result. Whether you are a parent, a teacher, or just a person who wishes to learn to get along better with others, you may find some valuable insights in No-Drama Discipline.”—Examiner.com
“Wow! This book grabbed me from the very first page and did not let go. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain extremely well why punishment is a dead-end strategy. Then they describe what to do instead. By making the latest breakthroughs in brain science accessible to any parent, they show why empathy and connection are the royal road to cooperation, discipline, and family harmony.”—Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., author of The Opposite of Worry
From the Hardcover edition.
290 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 23, 2014
About the author
Daniel J. Siegel
174 books2,924 followersDaniel J. Siegel, M.D., is an internationally acclaimed author, award-winning educator, and child psychiatrist. Dr. Siegel received his medical degree from Harvard University and completed his postgraduate medical education at UCLA with training in pediatrics and child, adolescent and adult psychiatry. He is currently a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, where he also serves as a co-investigator at the Center for Culture, Brain, and Development, and is a founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center. In addition, Dr. Siegel is the Executive Director of the Mindsight Institute.
Dr. Siegel has the unique ability to convey complicated scientific concepts in a concise and comprehensible way that all readers can enjoy. He has become known for his research in Interpersonal Neurobiology – an interdisciplinary view that creates a framework for the understanding of our subjective and interpersonal lives. In his most recent works, Dr. Siegel explores how mindfulness practices can aid the process of interpersonal and intrapersonal attunement, leading to personal growth and well-being.
Published author of several highly acclaimed works, Dr. Siegel’s books include the New York Times’ bestseller “Brainstorm”, along with "Mindsight," "The Developing Mind," "The Mindful Brain," "The Mindful Therapist," in addition to co-authoring "Parenting From the Inside Out," with Mary Hartzell and "The Whole-Brain Child," with Tina Bryson. He is also the Founding Editor of the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology, which includes "Healing Trauma," "The Power of Emotion," and "Trauma and the Body." Dr. Siegel currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife.
For more information on Dr. Siegel's work, please visit DrDanSiegel.com.
Dr. Siegel has the unique ability to convey complicated scientific concepts in a concise and comprehensible way that all readers can enjoy. He has become known for his research in Interpersonal Neurobiology – an interdisciplinary view that creates a framework for the understanding of our subjective and interpersonal lives. In his most recent works, Dr. Siegel explores how mindfulness practices can aid the process of interpersonal and intrapersonal attunement, leading to personal growth and well-being.
Published author of several highly acclaimed works, Dr. Siegel’s books include the New York Times’ bestseller “Brainstorm”, along with "Mindsight," "The Developing Mind," "The Mindful Brain," "The Mindful Therapist," in addition to co-authoring "Parenting From the Inside Out," with Mary Hartzell and "The Whole-Brain Child," with Tina Bryson. He is also the Founding Editor of the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology, which includes "Healing Trauma," "The Power of Emotion," and "Trauma and the Body." Dr. Siegel currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife.
For more information on Dr. Siegel's work, please visit DrDanSiegel.com.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,763 reviews
December 3, 2014
This book has a lot of excellent advice about the importance of your relationship with your children, and how you can "discipline" them in a way that preserves that relationship.
I use quotes around "discipline" because the authors begin the book by launching into a sort of questioning of what we even mean by "discipline". They wind up redefining the word to mean something a little different from what you might expect (i.e. "to teach" rather than "to guide by consequences" as many parents have come to understand it), and then proceeding to offer advice based on this new definition rather than the one with which you're familiar.
All of the advice seems really great--it's loving, centered, and respectful of both parents and kids.
But it feels like there's a huge missing piece: while the authors repeatedly speak about "boundaries" and "limits", they also preach firmly against "consequences" or "punishment". It's easy to see where they're coming from: handing out these painful forms of discipline is rough on the relationship and can engage anger rather than creating an actual teachable moment. On the other hand, the form of discipline they advocate is almost completely toothless. Every time your child misbehaves you're supposed to set aside time to "connect" with them and "redirect" later to discuss the behavior. One wonders if children will really feel there's a limit or boundary if nothing other than an acknowledgement that they've crossed it is forthcoming from Mom and Dad.
In the book, almost every one of the example "interactions" end up with the child tearfully confessing their crimes, explaining their inner motivations, and working collaboratively with their parents on a solution. I don't know about your kids, but mine look me right in the eyes and tell me that they're just going to misbehave again!
Despite the many references to brain physiology, there is little to recommend this book scientifically. The advice is based on anecdotes, not research, and on a vastly simplified and dichotomous view of the brain.
I also felt like this book was of tremendously inflated size. Many paragraphs end with a variation on the following sentence: "And, by doing this, you'll not only help your kids cooperate in the short-term, but help their growing brains, giving them skills to last a lifetime!" After reading that sentence for the twentieth time, you may wish the authors had followed their *own advice* and used fewer words to greater effect.
All that aside, there's a lot to like about this book. The authors freely confess their own parenting shortfalls, acknowledge there's no silver bullet, and much of the advice really is helpful. If you've never read a book about how to calm tantrums or deal with misbehavior in the most loving way possible, this is a great place to start. Just don't expect solutions to all of your misbehavior problems--as the authors themselves acknowledge, their own methods are no panacea.
I use quotes around "discipline" because the authors begin the book by launching into a sort of questioning of what we even mean by "discipline". They wind up redefining the word to mean something a little different from what you might expect (i.e. "to teach" rather than "to guide by consequences" as many parents have come to understand it), and then proceeding to offer advice based on this new definition rather than the one with which you're familiar.
All of the advice seems really great--it's loving, centered, and respectful of both parents and kids.
But it feels like there's a huge missing piece: while the authors repeatedly speak about "boundaries" and "limits", they also preach firmly against "consequences" or "punishment". It's easy to see where they're coming from: handing out these painful forms of discipline is rough on the relationship and can engage anger rather than creating an actual teachable moment. On the other hand, the form of discipline they advocate is almost completely toothless. Every time your child misbehaves you're supposed to set aside time to "connect" with them and "redirect" later to discuss the behavior. One wonders if children will really feel there's a limit or boundary if nothing other than an acknowledgement that they've crossed it is forthcoming from Mom and Dad.
In the book, almost every one of the example "interactions" end up with the child tearfully confessing their crimes, explaining their inner motivations, and working collaboratively with their parents on a solution. I don't know about your kids, but mine look me right in the eyes and tell me that they're just going to misbehave again!
Despite the many references to brain physiology, there is little to recommend this book scientifically. The advice is based on anecdotes, not research, and on a vastly simplified and dichotomous view of the brain.
I also felt like this book was of tremendously inflated size. Many paragraphs end with a variation on the following sentence: "And, by doing this, you'll not only help your kids cooperate in the short-term, but help their growing brains, giving them skills to last a lifetime!" After reading that sentence for the twentieth time, you may wish the authors had followed their *own advice* and used fewer words to greater effect.
All that aside, there's a lot to like about this book. The authors freely confess their own parenting shortfalls, acknowledge there's no silver bullet, and much of the advice really is helpful. If you've never read a book about how to calm tantrums or deal with misbehavior in the most loving way possible, this is a great place to start. Just don't expect solutions to all of your misbehavior problems--as the authors themselves acknowledge, their own methods are no panacea.
September 1, 2015
This is worth a read from the library but please don't buy this book! What is said on 250 pages could be summarized in 15 and by making it longer the authors complicate a simple strategy.
In short: connect with your kids and focus discipline on learning rather than consequences.
I will have to try it before I judge the merits of the strategy. Much of the advice runs counter to almost every parental instinct I have. Eg, if your child throws your glasses against the wall, make a joke to lighten the mood and then talk about what to do next time. I think there are definitely great take always but I'm skeptical of how centered the strategy is on avoiding any bad feelings between parent and child. Bad feelings exist in all relationships. Part of being human is learning from them and doing better next time not avoiding them altogether.
In short: connect with your kids and focus discipline on learning rather than consequences.
I will have to try it before I judge the merits of the strategy. Much of the advice runs counter to almost every parental instinct I have. Eg, if your child throws your glasses against the wall, make a joke to lighten the mood and then talk about what to do next time. I think there are definitely great take always but I'm skeptical of how centered the strategy is on avoiding any bad feelings between parent and child. Bad feelings exist in all relationships. Part of being human is learning from them and doing better next time not avoiding them altogether.
March 27, 2015
Before tackling this book, the reader must understand a secret that is essential to good parenting; there is no 'perfect parent' or 'ideal' approach to tackling the issues of disciplining a child. Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson dispel this myth from the beginning and offer an insightful and highly educational approach to discipline and parenting that is simple, yet effective. With strong parallels from their previous joint publication (The Whole Brain Child), which I have previously reviewed, the authors tackle discipline from a non-punitive perspective seeking the "teachable moment" approach for both parent and child. With a better understanding of the child's brain, the parent can fine-tune their end results to best align with what the child has going on and how the message reception plays an integral role in the final product, hopefully a cessation of the issue at hand. Siegel and Bryson make reference to their previous work and the different parts of the brain, as well as how disciplining from the lower, more reptilian, brain can lead to gross exaggeration and emotional messes that could take years to rectify. By talking and redirecting over punishing and lecturing, the authors propose that a child and their brain will become no only more receptive to addressing issues, but also more capable of digesting behaviours in need of change. While some sections may leave even the more tapped-in parent wondering where the parental power may have gone in this approach, Siegel and Bryson assure the reader that all is not lost, even if the magic wand is no longer in play. Well-written with honest examples and keys to success, Siegel and Bryson offer up a wonderful guide to address discipline issues from an emotionally calm and drama-free approach, leaving time for the parent and child to tune into an episode or two of DAYS OF OUR LIVES and see how well adjusted they are, compared to some families.
This is the second 'parental discipline' book that I have read in the past few months. With a child in his Torrential Threes, I sought out some helpful advice to tackle issues of defiance, acting out, and even outright ignoring. While the book has some sound approaches to it, it contradicts some of the previous literature that I have read by another well-known and respected parenting expert. Such is the peril that any parent (or reader) will encounter when reaching out for assistance. I was pleased to see Siegel and Bryson speak of not "running one's life based on the manual of one expert or another while ignoring parental instinct", for that is what I feared I would do. Children are as unique as ice cream flavours, and the parent knows their child better than any academic or psychologist. At times, it takes a nudge in the right direction to tune into those frequencies the child emits, but we cannot discount our own intuition in finding an effective way to parent and discipline the child. I especially enjoyed the 'discipline is not all about punishment' approach, for I never saw the difference. Boiling discipline down to being a set of teachable moments, the parent can reins in behaviours and teach from a 'how well is this working?' angle, rather than a 'punish the behaviour out of you' approach. If I took one thing away from this book, it is that. Our children are the future and if we can get in better touch with their feelings and development (mentally, physically, and emotionally), we are well on the way to raising happier, healthier, and more well-adjusted children. Then we can see those life lessons flourish when grandchildren come along. That said, don't spill your secrets too readily; you had to learn them the hard way too!
Kudos, Drs. Siegel and Bryson for this wonderfully organised book. I enjoyed its content as well as the strong ties to your previous work, which serves me well on a daily basis.
Like/hate the review? An ever-growing collection of others appears at:
http://pecheyponderings.wordpress.com/
This is the second 'parental discipline' book that I have read in the past few months. With a child in his Torrential Threes, I sought out some helpful advice to tackle issues of defiance, acting out, and even outright ignoring. While the book has some sound approaches to it, it contradicts some of the previous literature that I have read by another well-known and respected parenting expert. Such is the peril that any parent (or reader) will encounter when reaching out for assistance. I was pleased to see Siegel and Bryson speak of not "running one's life based on the manual of one expert or another while ignoring parental instinct", for that is what I feared I would do. Children are as unique as ice cream flavours, and the parent knows their child better than any academic or psychologist. At times, it takes a nudge in the right direction to tune into those frequencies the child emits, but we cannot discount our own intuition in finding an effective way to parent and discipline the child. I especially enjoyed the 'discipline is not all about punishment' approach, for I never saw the difference. Boiling discipline down to being a set of teachable moments, the parent can reins in behaviours and teach from a 'how well is this working?' angle, rather than a 'punish the behaviour out of you' approach. If I took one thing away from this book, it is that. Our children are the future and if we can get in better touch with their feelings and development (mentally, physically, and emotionally), we are well on the way to raising happier, healthier, and more well-adjusted children. Then we can see those life lessons flourish when grandchildren come along. That said, don't spill your secrets too readily; you had to learn them the hard way too!
Kudos, Drs. Siegel and Bryson for this wonderfully organised book. I enjoyed its content as well as the strong ties to your previous work, which serves me well on a daily basis.
Like/hate the review? An ever-growing collection of others appears at:
http://pecheyponderings.wordpress.com/
July 28, 2023
قراءة هذا الكتاب فرض عين على كل أم وكل أب.
بالنسبة لي، أحاول أن اقرأ كثيراً في مجال علم نفس التربية، لعلي أستطيع أن أربي أطفالي في المستقبل تربية حسنة لا يخرجون منها مُحملين بالعقد والاضطرابات.
للأسف، غالباً لا يستوعب الوالدين أن طرق تربيتهم التي تربوا عليها لا تصلح الآن، وأنها كانت تؤذي أكثر من نفعها، بل أنها بدلاً من أن تصنع رجالاً وفتيات يفخرون بهم كما يتمنون فإنهم يصنعون جيلاً مشوه، كل قيمه ومبادئه مغلوطة، وتعامله مع الصعوبات التي تواجهه يكون بشكل خاطئ، إلا من رحم ربي بالطبع.
حتى لا نطيل الحديث في هذا الأمر، هذا الكتاب يساعدك على تربية أبنائك بشكل صحيح، وبطريقة خالية من الدراما.
أسلوب الكتاب بسيط، يوصل المعلومة من خلال شرح بعض المواقف والتطبيقات عليه، دون الحسو بالدراسات والعلوم وبلا بلا بلا.
أنصح به الجميع بل أرى قراءته ضرورة كما قلت.
وسأنتقل مباشرة من هذا الكتاب لكتاب آخر نفس الكاتبين🤞🏻
تم
٢٧ يوليو ٢٠٢٣
بالنسبة لي، أحاول أن اقرأ كثيراً في مجال علم نفس التربية، لعلي أستطيع أن أربي أطفالي في المستقبل تربية حسنة لا يخرجون منها مُحملين بالعقد والاضطرابات.
للأسف، غالباً لا يستوعب الوالدين أن طرق تربيتهم التي تربوا عليها لا تصلح الآن، وأنها كانت تؤذي أكثر من نفعها، بل أنها بدلاً من أن تصنع رجالاً وفتيات يفخرون بهم كما يتمنون فإنهم يصنعون جيلاً مشوه، كل قيمه ومبادئه مغلوطة، وتعامله مع الصعوبات التي تواجهه يكون بشكل خاطئ، إلا من رحم ربي بالطبع.
حتى لا نطيل الحديث في هذا الأمر، هذا الكتاب يساعدك على تربية أبنائك بشكل صحيح، وبطريقة خالية من الدراما.
أسلوب الكتاب بسيط، يوصل المعلومة من خلال شرح بعض المواقف والتطبيقات عليه، دون الحسو بالدراسات والعلوم وبلا بلا بلا.
أنصح به الجميع بل أرى قراءته ضرورة كما قلت.
وسأنتقل مباشرة من هذا الكتاب لكتاب آخر نفس الكاتبين🤞🏻
تم
٢٧ يوليو ٢٠٢٣
March 2, 2017
This book is excellent! I've been getting angry and unkind all too frequently with my two-year-old. "Time out" stopped working, reasoning is challenging, and although spanking was a last resort for me, it's ineffective. I needed other "resorts" so I turned to this book. I find "HALT" and "1,2,3" the most effective strategies. "HALT" stands for "hungry," "angry," lonely," and "tired." Those are the most common reasons why children act out. The idea behind "HALT" is that you pause before responding to misbehavior and try to identify the source of the misbehavior in order to teach more effectively. "1,2,3" is a step-by-step approach to disciplining children calmly. 1. Why did my child act out this way? 2. What do I want to teach? and 3. How am I going to teach that principle. The idea that impacted me most in this book was that you can't teach a child to stop a behavior while the child is upset and out of control. The book instructs that before you address misbehavior you need to calm the child down, so the child will listen to what you are trying to teach. It also mentions how parents "over-talk" when they are disciplining, so children tune out what they are saying. I could go on....but I've already gone on too long. After a week of trying strategies learned, I will report that I am way less angry and more calm. It's exhausting making the effort to no-drama discipline, but the tantrums have seemed to end sooner. The book also promises that the more you no-drama discipline, the less you'll have to discipline because you are teaching your children skills to make better decisions, so fingers-crossed that's the case. I highly recommend it.
March 28, 2018
You can kind of skip the book and read the “Connect and Redirect Refrigerator Sheet” in the Resources section without missing much content. I’d prefer the anecdotes be replaced with research and sources.
January 12, 2015
When I saw the title of this book, I rolled my eyes and thought “No drama? You haven’t met my child.” As I started reading, I appreciated that the authors had a generally realistic approach to children and were thoughtful about how they connected their philosophy and suggested strategies to brain development. It had some helpful, catchy things to remember (like “shark music”). The examples seemed like real-life ones and every situation did not end perfectly. I liked all of these things. However, in the end I felt the book didn’t offer me much, even though on the whole I agreed with most of their approach.
Something I noticed early on was the total lack of reference to existing discipline approaches. The strategies and philosophies described in this book borrow quite a lot from discipline approaches such as Jane Nelson’s “Positive Discipline,” Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen,” Elizabeth Pantley’s “The No-Cry Discipline Solution,” and Alfie Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting” (and probably others that I’m not aware of). It felt very disrespectful that the authors did not acknowledge others’ work in this area. For example, relating to the “redirect” strategies given here, the chapter in “How to Talk…” includes many of the same strategies (but is much more detailed and specific).
But most importantly, I felt there was an over-emphasis on staying calm. On the one hand, yes, you are likely to use better discipline strategies if you are calm when you do it, and "connection before correction" (a Positive Discipline term) can definitely make a difference. On the other hand, isn’t it kind of weird to act like a zen robot with your child? I can’t stand hearing myself and other parents speak in that coaxing, fake-happy voice. You know what I mean: the one where we pretend we’re all understanding and patient when actually we are feeling annoyed and frustrated. If you’re angry, it’s okay to show your child that you’re angry – or hurt or disappointed – and that’s a more natural, human way to interact. And a stern voice communicates that you're serious and gets your child's attention, where a friendly, soft voice may not. I didn’t feel the book gave very constructive advice for how to manage emotional states while staying in connection with your child – basically it was just “help yourself to calm down before talking to your child.” (Again, I contrast it with parts of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” which show you how to be serious and stern, just more effectively and in a way that’s not damaging to your child/ the relationship.)
As a side note, I felt like there were a few major discipline/ parenting issues that would have been relevant but were not addressed here, even briefly – like understanding children’s different temperaments, or thinking about different cultural styles, or using proactive strategies for family togetherness and communication.
Something I noticed early on was the total lack of reference to existing discipline approaches. The strategies and philosophies described in this book borrow quite a lot from discipline approaches such as Jane Nelson’s “Positive Discipline,” Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen,” Elizabeth Pantley’s “The No-Cry Discipline Solution,” and Alfie Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting” (and probably others that I’m not aware of). It felt very disrespectful that the authors did not acknowledge others’ work in this area. For example, relating to the “redirect” strategies given here, the chapter in “How to Talk…” includes many of the same strategies (but is much more detailed and specific).
But most importantly, I felt there was an over-emphasis on staying calm. On the one hand, yes, you are likely to use better discipline strategies if you are calm when you do it, and "connection before correction" (a Positive Discipline term) can definitely make a difference. On the other hand, isn’t it kind of weird to act like a zen robot with your child? I can’t stand hearing myself and other parents speak in that coaxing, fake-happy voice. You know what I mean: the one where we pretend we’re all understanding and patient when actually we are feeling annoyed and frustrated. If you’re angry, it’s okay to show your child that you’re angry – or hurt or disappointed – and that’s a more natural, human way to interact. And a stern voice communicates that you're serious and gets your child's attention, where a friendly, soft voice may not. I didn’t feel the book gave very constructive advice for how to manage emotional states while staying in connection with your child – basically it was just “help yourself to calm down before talking to your child.” (Again, I contrast it with parts of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” which show you how to be serious and stern, just more effectively and in a way that’s not damaging to your child/ the relationship.)
As a side note, I felt like there were a few major discipline/ parenting issues that would have been relevant but were not addressed here, even briefly – like understanding children’s different temperaments, or thinking about different cultural styles, or using proactive strategies for family togetherness and communication.
June 26, 2017
There is no silver bullet to parenting and the authours rightly confess this in the book.
There is a lot of useful advice here and much to like and enjoy in this book. But like any 'parenting' book, it seems to have been written in the land of parenting utopia where every 'explosive situation' is scalable and every child, given time, can see the errors of their ways. If your household is anything like mine, we don't have this luxury.
That being said the 'message' of this book is simple, and on the whole, a commendable one. Connect with your kids, keep calm and try and avoid any nuclear episodes.
I'm all for 'modern' parenting. Teaching through example, being tender and the rest of the mantra that goes into this book but I can also see the merit of taking the hard-line when needed. Parenting, like anything thing in life, is very situational. No one knows your kids better than you (hopefully), and knowing this should give one enough confidence to dealing with discipline situations appropriately.
Much can be taken from this book and put into practice, just don't expect that far off land of calm and obedient little munchkins to be destination numero uno.
July 24, 2019
Much of my commentary on Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids applies to this text with full force and effect, especially how the text lays down a detailed rule in Agamben's sense.
I appreciate this text's focus on neuroplasticity, on the one hand, and note that the refrain that one must redirect one's kid away from tantrums and other disfavored conduct is really a misdirection, a leading the kid away from the kid's sincere grievance, and is therefore consistent with Sun Tzu's gnomic that 'all warfare is based on deception,' on the other. It certainly identifies "moments of conflict" as both among the "most difficult" and "most important" "in any relationship" (81-82)--which is schwerpunkt doctrine, though perhaps not how Clausewitz conceived it.
I think someone needs to write a pomo-marxist parenting book because the bourgeois platitudes grow wearisome after a while.
I appreciate this text's focus on neuroplasticity, on the one hand, and note that the refrain that one must redirect one's kid away from tantrums and other disfavored conduct is really a misdirection, a leading the kid away from the kid's sincere grievance, and is therefore consistent with Sun Tzu's gnomic that 'all warfare is based on deception,' on the other. It certainly identifies "moments of conflict" as both among the "most difficult" and "most important" "in any relationship" (81-82)--which is schwerpunkt doctrine, though perhaps not how Clausewitz conceived it.
I think someone needs to write a pomo-marxist parenting book because the bourgeois platitudes grow wearisome after a while.
February 2, 2020
I read this book mainly due to the work I do and found it helpful. I have recommend this book to a few parents. I was happy to see you that the actual or correct meaning of discipline being used and focused on. Granted this will not work for everyone and all situations but it's a step in a good direction.
March 4, 2017
This is a fantastic book; I would really like to adopt Siegel and Bryson's very well-informed and well-tested discipline philosophy. Their philosophy does seem to require more thought, creativity, and engagement with your child than the average parenting style. I think that my husband will be great at this, but I'm worried for myself about doing a good job with the creativity part.
The philosophy in a nutshell is that you first connect with your child--meaning that you have a discussion or a few words to help calm your child (and yourself) to bring them to a less reactive state so that you can teach them better when you get to the correction step. (these are the only two steps)
In correction, aka redirection, aka discipling (not a typo--they do talk about the relationship between discipleship and discipline even though it's not a religious book), you first think about what you want to teach your child, which may not be the same thing even for the same infraction from one time to another. One goal is to help your child develop empathy. Part of this will often involve discussing with your child what they can do to make things right.
Siegel and Bryson advocate being consistent but not rigid and helping your child develop emotional intelligence in the long run. They do talk about how to begin this process with toddlers who can't participate in the process in the same way an older child can.
We thought this book was really excellent. If any of you, my goodreads friends, read this book, I would love to hear your thoughts on the book, especially if you have older children than I do. We intend to read more of Siegel's parenting books in the future.
The philosophy in a nutshell is that you first connect with your child--meaning that you have a discussion or a few words to help calm your child (and yourself) to bring them to a less reactive state so that you can teach them better when you get to the correction step. (these are the only two steps)
In correction, aka redirection, aka discipling (not a typo--they do talk about the relationship between discipleship and discipline even though it's not a religious book), you first think about what you want to teach your child, which may not be the same thing even for the same infraction from one time to another. One goal is to help your child develop empathy. Part of this will often involve discussing with your child what they can do to make things right.
Siegel and Bryson advocate being consistent but not rigid and helping your child develop emotional intelligence in the long run. They do talk about how to begin this process with toddlers who can't participate in the process in the same way an older child can.
We thought this book was really excellent. If any of you, my goodreads friends, read this book, I would love to hear your thoughts on the book, especially if you have older children than I do. We intend to read more of Siegel's parenting books in the future.
July 2, 2019
This book was really not for me. I feel as though if these strategies actually work on a child, that child is pretty much perfect, and a book on discipline is not necessary. The book discussed connecting with a child and understanding why they did something and things like that. I was hoping for more practical discipline tips. This book seems to suggest that if your child hits you because they want your attention, you should stop what you're doing, tell them that you understand they want your attention and waiting is hard, but explain (in few words) that hitting is not nice, and then redirect them by taking them outside. It seems the child then got exactly what they wanted - your attention and something to do. That seems to just encourage hitting. I was hoping for a better solution - like tell them to wait, make a point of finishing your conversation or what you are doing (though secretly wrap it up quickly), and then give the child a time out for hitting. Not sure the solution, but this book definitely didn't offer it.
July 12, 2015
I realized about 1/4 of the way into this book that I'd read another book by this author, and that not only was there a lot of the same information in this "new" book, but that what irked me about that book did the same in this one. Siegel and Bryson have interesting ideas, but no one needs to read more than one of their books to know/understand/get them. They believe in making sure discipline is about teaching versus punishment and that connection with your child is always the important first step in discipline. They back up their beliefs with research dealing with neurophysiology and the developing brain. They also use ENTIRELY too many hypothetical situations and analogies, some of which they clearly made up to help bring others around to their way of thinking rather than to illustrate a germane thought. It isn't a bad book, or a bad approach. I don't disagree with much of what they say in the book, but I take issue with reusing the same basic information in multiple books (I've only read one other, but they reference additional works, which they ALSO referenced in the other book I did read), and encouraging people to buy and read the other books when they've sufficiently summarized the information in each book on its own. Overall, I was disappointed in this book, but it was partly my own fault that I didn't check the author more closely.
April 25, 2023
2nd Read:
This is a book that I need to come back to year-after-year. Gordon Neufeld talks about our having lost our parenting instincts over the last several generations. I constantly feel the draw to go to "10 and 2" and parent in the way that I was parented. There is some good in this, but my wife and I have chosen a different philosophy and approach. So, returning to this book helps where I have drifted from that vision and recalibrates my approaches.
1st Read:
This is a must-read book for parents. Siegel and Bryson take the work they have done on the brain and not only apply it to parenting, but to one of the most difficult parts of parenting: discipline. Their thesis resonates deeply with me, that is, that discipline is always about teaching the child. We do not discipline to punish, we discipline to teach the child to love the good and orient their lives to pursue it.
This is a book that I need to come back to year-after-year. Gordon Neufeld talks about our having lost our parenting instincts over the last several generations. I constantly feel the draw to go to "10 and 2" and parent in the way that I was parented. There is some good in this, but my wife and I have chosen a different philosophy and approach. So, returning to this book helps where I have drifted from that vision and recalibrates my approaches.
1st Read:
This is a must-read book for parents. Siegel and Bryson take the work they have done on the brain and not only apply it to parenting, but to one of the most difficult parts of parenting: discipline. Their thesis resonates deeply with me, that is, that discipline is always about teaching the child. We do not discipline to punish, we discipline to teach the child to love the good and orient their lives to pursue it.
May 7, 2015
No-Drama Discipline is one of the best parenting books I have read. Gone are the days of spanking, time-outs and other distancing, damaging methods of discipline. While those ways often escalate the tears, anger, frustration (parents' and kids'), the tools presented in this book are calming, connecting and life-changing. Rather than a parent vs. child stance, No-Drama Discipline ensures that parents and children are on the same team, working together and reaching resolution together, lovingly and respectfully. Cannot recommend enough, to adoptive parents, foster parents, and those parenting their biological children.
September 24, 2019
Should be called:
The sissy approach to child discipline
Or
No-balls discipline
The sissy approach to child discipline
Or
No-balls discipline
November 13, 2019
I read this book because my own child is disobedient more than not, and my gentle discipline wasn’t too effective in the long term (over 24 hours). I primarily used time-outs. I was hoping to get some good discipline advice from this book, but it provided the opposite. Only follow their advice if you want your child to grow up to be a self-centered spoiled brat who can’t deal with the real world. Their disciplining strategies were even less effective than my own.
24 “And what experience does a time-out give a child? Isolation. Even if you can offer a time-out in a loving manner, do you want your child’s repeated experiences when she makes a mistake to be time by herself, which is often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection?”
What’s wrong with isolation and rejection? If a kid can’t behave themselves, they deserve to be rejected. It’s only temporary anyway. Isolation can be healthy in moderation. Time outs don’t last forever.
28 “One proactive strategy that can be effective is to help the child create a ‘calm zone’ with toys, books, or a favorite stuffed animal, which she visits when she needs the time and place to calm down. . . . (This is a good idea for parents, too! Maybe some chocolate, magazines, music, red wine . . .) it’s not about punishment or making a child pay for her mistake.”
Sounds like rewarding the child to me. I got sent to my room as a punishment, and I thought my parents were stupid for this since I just played with toys by myself in my room and had a great time.
43 mentions pavlov’s dogs who learned to salivate with the dinner bell, but seems to completely ignore/forget that this justifies spankings and time-outs, because the point of punishment is to associate bad behavior with a negative response, thus discouraging bad behavior.
Makes scientific claims like “when we discipline with threats . . . We activate the defensive circuits of our child’s reactive reptilian downstairs brain” (46-47), but there are no citations provided. The authors talk down to the readers with terms like “upstairs and downstairs brains” like they have no capability of digesting the actual terminology of the brain. And I suppose we readers are just supposed to take their word for it about all their scientific claims. Yet they quote Sherlock Holmes who said, “It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts” (111). They put their hypocrisy on display again (113-115) when they tell you to not ask your child why they did something (obtaining data), but just ask *yourself* why and guess about it (theorize).
47 “by demonstrating respect for your child, nurturing him with lots of empathy, and remaining open to collaborative and reflective discussions, you communicate ‘no threat,’ so the reptilian brain can relax its reactivity.”
So Kid #1 hits parent to get parent’s attention, and the parent responds with “i can see you’re frustrated because you’re not getting your way. I understand how you feel, but i need to finish this thing i’m doing before we play, and it’s not right to hit people even when you’re frustrated.” So the kid got attention by hitting, and nothing negative came from this talk, so what exactly is the motivation for the kid to not hit the parent to get attention again? If there is no threat and no reward, there’s no motivation to change.
54 Kid #2 gets upset because she doesn’t get to ride in the car w/ the parent of her choice. Author’s solution: first, hold the child to get her to calm down. Problem: not all kids like to be held, so this wouldn’t work to calm all kids down. Most kids who are upset cuz they’re not getting their way, and the only way they can calm down is either if they get their way or they’re given or promised some reward.
“You might promise to get up early tomorrow morning so you’d have time to take her to school. Or you might assure her that you’d ask your boss if you could leave work early this afternoon so you could pick up your daughter and then have some one-on-one special time with her. Or you might offer to tell her a story on speakerphone from your car as her dad drove her to school.” All of those options are inconveniencing the adult for the sake of placating the child. What if the child is upset because her parent is not home all day everyday? What if child never wants to go to school? What if child never wants to brush teeth or hair or get dressed? What if the child insists on only eating candy at every meal? Are you going to cater to the child’s every desire? No, that is not the way life works. In real life, you have to do things you don’t like, and you don’t always get your way. The adult should not be bending over backward just to save the child some unhappiness.
56 “In contrast, a parenting style focussed on control and fear, stressing that a child needs to toe the line all the time, undermines the feeling of safety. If a child lives in constant worry that he might mess up and make his parents unhappy or that he’ll be punished, he won’t feel the freedom to do all the things that grow and strengthen his upstairs brain: considering others’ feelings, exploring alternative actions, understanding himself, and trying to make the best decision in a given situation.” Gee, how did all those spanked kids of generations past manage to grow up into mature, smart, empathetic, well-functioning adults?!
68 Kid #3: Little brother breaks Matthias his older brother’s Lego creation, and father Michael comforts the younger brother. Matthias confesses what he did, and “In response, Michael laughed a little and said, ‘I’d say you did more than that, little man!’ Matthias cracked a small smile.” What does this teach the boy? It teaches that if you’re upset and want people to give you attention and feel sorry for you, just act out. You will be forgiven and get sympathy. And what about the older brother whose Lego creation was destroyed? The father didn’t comfort HIM. The older brother was the VICTIM. Where is the justice? The younger brother gets off without any form of punishment, just praise, comfort, and talking to. Do you think saying to the little 5 year old boy, “How would you feel if someone broke your creation?” Is going to teach him empathy? Here’s what would teach empathy and discipline at the same time: break one of Matthias’ toys in front of his eyes. THEN he would know how it feels. The father comforting him is just rewarding bad behavior.
79 “The instinctive, reactive lower parts of his brain became so active that he lost access to the higher parts of the brain, the ones that help him think him think about consequences and consider others’ feelings.” What consequences? Matthias got angry and jealous, and so he lashed out and got revenge against his brother, and the consequence was Daddy comforting him.
The book is like how to raise a spoiled brat. No wonder we have so many sensitive snowflakes around now who need a safe space and cant handle being triggered and think they’re entitled to free stuff from the government.
89 The book tries to say that they’re not advocating spoiling: “You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.” Actually, yes you can.
The child is “entitled to your love and affection.” Entitled, huh? So a kid could grow up to be a serial killer, but his parents should forgive and love him anyway? Let’s just feel sorry for him because he wasn’t getting his way, and his feelings were hurt, huh? Let’s just give him a great big hug and wipe away his tears. And society shouldn’t punish the killer with prison, because that’s ISOLATION and REJECTION. So damaging to his delicate brain! Let’s just give him a good talking to, with no anger in our face or voice, no finger wagging, no harsh accusations. Just a loving reminder that killing is wrong, and let’s try to do better next time, okay?
Hey, and let’s just get rid of speeding tickets too. All the cop needs to do is give a friendly reminder that speeding is against the law. Try to remember that. Be on your merry way now!
And how about in a romantic relationship: woman cheats on her husband because she was feeling lonely. She does this repeatedly. Should husband comfort her and feel sorry for her because she was lonely? Continue to love her unconditionally despite her repeated “mistakes”? Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to continually make bad choices. Love SHOULD be conditional. There SHOULD be consequences for actions, and simply talking to someone empathetically is NOT consequence.
89-90 “We want to let our kids know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met. . . . Connecting when a child is upset or out of control is about meeting that child’s needs, not giving in to what she wants.”
There is very little that a person actually NEEDS. Kid #1 WANTS attention, kid #2 WANTS to ride in with the parent of her choice, kid #3 WANTS to play with older brother’s toys. Food and shelter are the only needs. Comfort and sympathy are not needs, and they are not deserved when the child just did something wrong.
90 The book says that true spoiling is giving children “the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims” and “when parents shelter their children from having to struggle at all.”
But this treatment is exactly what the parents are giving to their kids in the examples this book gives.
90-91 “Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future.”
This book teaches that kids should be entitled to forgiveness and love no matter what bad things they do. This “discipline” does not teach gratitude. Gratitude teaching would be as follows to the three example kids given above:
To kid #1: “You should be grateful I’m going to play with you at all after you just hit me.”
To kid #2: “You should be grateful you have a parent who’s driving you at all instead of making you walk there.”
To kid #3: “You should be grateful your brother doesn’t break something of yours right now after what you just did!”
That’s a healthy dose of shame and guilt. Do you think making a child feel these things is too mean? Even the authors think guilt can be healthy. “It is evidence of a healthy conscience! And it can shape future behavior” (141).
92 The authors claim that they aren’t endorsing helicopter parenting “where parents hover over their children’s lives, shielding them from all struggle and sadness.”
Untrue. The authors said the father of kid #3 made a mistake by waiting 3 seconds before going into his son’s room. “The shouting let him know that he needed to intervene immediately, but he wasn’t quick enough” (66). So the implication is that the father should’ve been hovering over his kids to prevent any conflict from breaking out.
93-94 The author say “you can connect while also setting limits.” “You wouldn’t simply say ‘you seem upset’ to a child as he hurls a Bart Simpson action figure toward a breakable Hello Kitty alarm clock. A More appropriate response would be to say something like, ‘I can see that you’re upset and you’re having a hard time stopping your body. I will help you.’” How is this setting a limit? It’s rewarding bad behavior with comfort. It’s teaching the kid that whenever he’s not getting his way, it’s okay to throw a fit about it, because no consequence will come from it but Mommy’s loving embrace. She will drop whatever she’s doing in the grocery store or restaurant to give me attention and feel sorry for me, and maybe if I give her big puppy dog eyes and pout really cute, she’ll be persuaded to get me what I want . . . If not right away, maybe for Christmas. Because no matter how bad I am throughout the year, I’m entitled to those presents, gosh darnit!
103 The authors say that yelling and dishing out a punishment (even one that isn’t physical) is “ridiculous” and other people witnessing it will think you’re “crazy.”
The book is filled with cartoon illustrations which almost always show angry kids when the parent is disciplining “wrong,” but happy or sad but hopeful kids when the parent is disciplining “right.” What’s more realistic is for the kid to be angry and crying in every picture no matter what the parent does. But the authors probably don’t want to draw the pictures realistically, because then it would bring attention to how ridiculous THEIR advice is.
120 They say that it’s good to get on eye level with your kids, but that it’s even better to get BELOW the eye level. They say other mammals do this to show that they aren’t a threat. But actually animals do that to show that they are yielding and granting dominance to the other animal. So by getting below your child’s eye level, you might as well be bowing before them as if they are royalty and you are a mere slave to serve their every desire.
124 The book literally says this is the kind of message you want to send your kids: “What you’re sharing with me right now is crucial—more important than anything going on around us, even more important than anything I want to say.” And they don’t think this is going to create kids who are spoiled, feel entitled, and think the world revolves around them?! You SHOULD listen to your kids, but that doesn’t mean the kid shouldn’t listen to the parent! Who is the teacher? Who is the adult? Who is smarter and wiser? In most cases, it’s the parent! How can you teach your kids to be better, if all you’re doing is listening to them whine and validating their emotions? The book even says not to talk to your kid when they’re upset, except to repeat what they say to you and make an empathy statement (132), because they think kids are too stupid to learn anything when they’re upset. If that were true, then kids of generations past who were NOT disciplined gently would not have learned any lessons. But kids of generations past DID learn from their upbringing, and it can be argued that the kids of generations past were better behaved and more mature and respectful than kids today.
130 The authors think it’s great for a mother to say to her adult daughter whose bank account was in the negative, “I was sorry for her bad day and did she need a mummy hug?” And then take care of her financial problems and reward her without cause to her favorite restaurant. The parent is apologizing for something that isn’t her fault, talking to her adult daughter like she’s a toddler, not holding her accountable or letting her face the natural consequences of her poor financial choices, and then rewarding her, not because she did something good but just to erase her sadness. This is enabling and spoiling. The authors say they’re against spoiling, and they define spoiling as “giving them too many things, by rescuing them from every challenge, by never allowing them to deal with defeat and disappointment” (135). But they clearly are not really against spoiling.
24 “And what experience does a time-out give a child? Isolation. Even if you can offer a time-out in a loving manner, do you want your child’s repeated experiences when she makes a mistake to be time by herself, which is often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection?”
What’s wrong with isolation and rejection? If a kid can’t behave themselves, they deserve to be rejected. It’s only temporary anyway. Isolation can be healthy in moderation. Time outs don’t last forever.
28 “One proactive strategy that can be effective is to help the child create a ‘calm zone’ with toys, books, or a favorite stuffed animal, which she visits when she needs the time and place to calm down. . . . (This is a good idea for parents, too! Maybe some chocolate, magazines, music, red wine . . .) it’s not about punishment or making a child pay for her mistake.”
Sounds like rewarding the child to me. I got sent to my room as a punishment, and I thought my parents were stupid for this since I just played with toys by myself in my room and had a great time.
43 mentions pavlov’s dogs who learned to salivate with the dinner bell, but seems to completely ignore/forget that this justifies spankings and time-outs, because the point of punishment is to associate bad behavior with a negative response, thus discouraging bad behavior.
Makes scientific claims like “when we discipline with threats . . . We activate the defensive circuits of our child’s reactive reptilian downstairs brain” (46-47), but there are no citations provided. The authors talk down to the readers with terms like “upstairs and downstairs brains” like they have no capability of digesting the actual terminology of the brain. And I suppose we readers are just supposed to take their word for it about all their scientific claims. Yet they quote Sherlock Holmes who said, “It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts” (111). They put their hypocrisy on display again (113-115) when they tell you to not ask your child why they did something (obtaining data), but just ask *yourself* why and guess about it (theorize).
47 “by demonstrating respect for your child, nurturing him with lots of empathy, and remaining open to collaborative and reflective discussions, you communicate ‘no threat,’ so the reptilian brain can relax its reactivity.”
So Kid #1 hits parent to get parent’s attention, and the parent responds with “i can see you’re frustrated because you’re not getting your way. I understand how you feel, but i need to finish this thing i’m doing before we play, and it’s not right to hit people even when you’re frustrated.” So the kid got attention by hitting, and nothing negative came from this talk, so what exactly is the motivation for the kid to not hit the parent to get attention again? If there is no threat and no reward, there’s no motivation to change.
54 Kid #2 gets upset because she doesn’t get to ride in the car w/ the parent of her choice. Author’s solution: first, hold the child to get her to calm down. Problem: not all kids like to be held, so this wouldn’t work to calm all kids down. Most kids who are upset cuz they’re not getting their way, and the only way they can calm down is either if they get their way or they’re given or promised some reward.
“You might promise to get up early tomorrow morning so you’d have time to take her to school. Or you might assure her that you’d ask your boss if you could leave work early this afternoon so you could pick up your daughter and then have some one-on-one special time with her. Or you might offer to tell her a story on speakerphone from your car as her dad drove her to school.” All of those options are inconveniencing the adult for the sake of placating the child. What if the child is upset because her parent is not home all day everyday? What if child never wants to go to school? What if child never wants to brush teeth or hair or get dressed? What if the child insists on only eating candy at every meal? Are you going to cater to the child’s every desire? No, that is not the way life works. In real life, you have to do things you don’t like, and you don’t always get your way. The adult should not be bending over backward just to save the child some unhappiness.
56 “In contrast, a parenting style focussed on control and fear, stressing that a child needs to toe the line all the time, undermines the feeling of safety. If a child lives in constant worry that he might mess up and make his parents unhappy or that he’ll be punished, he won’t feel the freedom to do all the things that grow and strengthen his upstairs brain: considering others’ feelings, exploring alternative actions, understanding himself, and trying to make the best decision in a given situation.” Gee, how did all those spanked kids of generations past manage to grow up into mature, smart, empathetic, well-functioning adults?!
68 Kid #3: Little brother breaks Matthias his older brother’s Lego creation, and father Michael comforts the younger brother. Matthias confesses what he did, and “In response, Michael laughed a little and said, ‘I’d say you did more than that, little man!’ Matthias cracked a small smile.” What does this teach the boy? It teaches that if you’re upset and want people to give you attention and feel sorry for you, just act out. You will be forgiven and get sympathy. And what about the older brother whose Lego creation was destroyed? The father didn’t comfort HIM. The older brother was the VICTIM. Where is the justice? The younger brother gets off without any form of punishment, just praise, comfort, and talking to. Do you think saying to the little 5 year old boy, “How would you feel if someone broke your creation?” Is going to teach him empathy? Here’s what would teach empathy and discipline at the same time: break one of Matthias’ toys in front of his eyes. THEN he would know how it feels. The father comforting him is just rewarding bad behavior.
79 “The instinctive, reactive lower parts of his brain became so active that he lost access to the higher parts of the brain, the ones that help him think him think about consequences and consider others’ feelings.” What consequences? Matthias got angry and jealous, and so he lashed out and got revenge against his brother, and the consequence was Daddy comforting him.
The book is like how to raise a spoiled brat. No wonder we have so many sensitive snowflakes around now who need a safe space and cant handle being triggered and think they’re entitled to free stuff from the government.
89 The book tries to say that they’re not advocating spoiling: “You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.” Actually, yes you can.
The child is “entitled to your love and affection.” Entitled, huh? So a kid could grow up to be a serial killer, but his parents should forgive and love him anyway? Let’s just feel sorry for him because he wasn’t getting his way, and his feelings were hurt, huh? Let’s just give him a great big hug and wipe away his tears. And society shouldn’t punish the killer with prison, because that’s ISOLATION and REJECTION. So damaging to his delicate brain! Let’s just give him a good talking to, with no anger in our face or voice, no finger wagging, no harsh accusations. Just a loving reminder that killing is wrong, and let’s try to do better next time, okay?
Hey, and let’s just get rid of speeding tickets too. All the cop needs to do is give a friendly reminder that speeding is against the law. Try to remember that. Be on your merry way now!
And how about in a romantic relationship: woman cheats on her husband because she was feeling lonely. She does this repeatedly. Should husband comfort her and feel sorry for her because she was lonely? Continue to love her unconditionally despite her repeated “mistakes”? Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to continually make bad choices. Love SHOULD be conditional. There SHOULD be consequences for actions, and simply talking to someone empathetically is NOT consequence.
89-90 “We want to let our kids know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met. . . . Connecting when a child is upset or out of control is about meeting that child’s needs, not giving in to what she wants.”
There is very little that a person actually NEEDS. Kid #1 WANTS attention, kid #2 WANTS to ride in with the parent of her choice, kid #3 WANTS to play with older brother’s toys. Food and shelter are the only needs. Comfort and sympathy are not needs, and they are not deserved when the child just did something wrong.
90 The book says that true spoiling is giving children “the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims” and “when parents shelter their children from having to struggle at all.”
But this treatment is exactly what the parents are giving to their kids in the examples this book gives.
90-91 “Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future.”
This book teaches that kids should be entitled to forgiveness and love no matter what bad things they do. This “discipline” does not teach gratitude. Gratitude teaching would be as follows to the three example kids given above:
To kid #1: “You should be grateful I’m going to play with you at all after you just hit me.”
To kid #2: “You should be grateful you have a parent who’s driving you at all instead of making you walk there.”
To kid #3: “You should be grateful your brother doesn’t break something of yours right now after what you just did!”
That’s a healthy dose of shame and guilt. Do you think making a child feel these things is too mean? Even the authors think guilt can be healthy. “It is evidence of a healthy conscience! And it can shape future behavior” (141).
92 The authors claim that they aren’t endorsing helicopter parenting “where parents hover over their children’s lives, shielding them from all struggle and sadness.”
Untrue. The authors said the father of kid #3 made a mistake by waiting 3 seconds before going into his son’s room. “The shouting let him know that he needed to intervene immediately, but he wasn’t quick enough” (66). So the implication is that the father should’ve been hovering over his kids to prevent any conflict from breaking out.
93-94 The author say “you can connect while also setting limits.” “You wouldn’t simply say ‘you seem upset’ to a child as he hurls a Bart Simpson action figure toward a breakable Hello Kitty alarm clock. A More appropriate response would be to say something like, ‘I can see that you’re upset and you’re having a hard time stopping your body. I will help you.’” How is this setting a limit? It’s rewarding bad behavior with comfort. It’s teaching the kid that whenever he’s not getting his way, it’s okay to throw a fit about it, because no consequence will come from it but Mommy’s loving embrace. She will drop whatever she’s doing in the grocery store or restaurant to give me attention and feel sorry for me, and maybe if I give her big puppy dog eyes and pout really cute, she’ll be persuaded to get me what I want . . . If not right away, maybe for Christmas. Because no matter how bad I am throughout the year, I’m entitled to those presents, gosh darnit!
103 The authors say that yelling and dishing out a punishment (even one that isn’t physical) is “ridiculous” and other people witnessing it will think you’re “crazy.”
The book is filled with cartoon illustrations which almost always show angry kids when the parent is disciplining “wrong,” but happy or sad but hopeful kids when the parent is disciplining “right.” What’s more realistic is for the kid to be angry and crying in every picture no matter what the parent does. But the authors probably don’t want to draw the pictures realistically, because then it would bring attention to how ridiculous THEIR advice is.
120 They say that it’s good to get on eye level with your kids, but that it’s even better to get BELOW the eye level. They say other mammals do this to show that they aren’t a threat. But actually animals do that to show that they are yielding and granting dominance to the other animal. So by getting below your child’s eye level, you might as well be bowing before them as if they are royalty and you are a mere slave to serve their every desire.
124 The book literally says this is the kind of message you want to send your kids: “What you’re sharing with me right now is crucial—more important than anything going on around us, even more important than anything I want to say.” And they don’t think this is going to create kids who are spoiled, feel entitled, and think the world revolves around them?! You SHOULD listen to your kids, but that doesn’t mean the kid shouldn’t listen to the parent! Who is the teacher? Who is the adult? Who is smarter and wiser? In most cases, it’s the parent! How can you teach your kids to be better, if all you’re doing is listening to them whine and validating their emotions? The book even says not to talk to your kid when they’re upset, except to repeat what they say to you and make an empathy statement (132), because they think kids are too stupid to learn anything when they’re upset. If that were true, then kids of generations past who were NOT disciplined gently would not have learned any lessons. But kids of generations past DID learn from their upbringing, and it can be argued that the kids of generations past were better behaved and more mature and respectful than kids today.
130 The authors think it’s great for a mother to say to her adult daughter whose bank account was in the negative, “I was sorry for her bad day and did she need a mummy hug?” And then take care of her financial problems and reward her without cause to her favorite restaurant. The parent is apologizing for something that isn’t her fault, talking to her adult daughter like she’s a toddler, not holding her accountable or letting her face the natural consequences of her poor financial choices, and then rewarding her, not because she did something good but just to erase her sadness. This is enabling and spoiling. The authors say they’re against spoiling, and they define spoiling as “giving them too many things, by rescuing them from every challenge, by never allowing them to deal with defeat and disappointment” (135). But they clearly are not really against spoiling.
August 17, 2018
Being a grandparent isn't easy, turns out. Especially if you raised sons but the majority of your grandchildren are girls. It shouldn't make any difference, right? Full disclosure: I'm an ardent feminist who cannot ignore the differences in emotionality I witness in granddaughters. The best word for it? Drama. Big time. And I have zero experience with and little patience for it. Thus, this book found its way into my Kindle.
And I'm glad it did.
Every generation has a new take ...sometimes evolutionary and sometimes revolutionary .. on how to best raise children. Discipline is always a challenge. And while we may subscribe to the "discipline equals teaching" school, figuring out what that means in practice is another thing altogether. I was drawn to this book as much for the subtitle as to the idea of reducing drama. Whole-Brain. What's that? I'm an evidence-based person by profession (a retired nurse practitioner) while also recognizing the limitations of supposed "evidence" alone as the basis for improving human interactions. The field of psychology in particular has had a difficult time attempting to be "scientific" with something as multi-factorial as human behavior. And its history is riddled with things once proven that haven't held up over time (even one study referenced in this book, about children and impulse control). But this relies much more on neuroscience and what we have learned about how the brain works as the foundation for understanding children as they grow and develop. This I can buy into because much of what is referenced here has corollaries in working with adults with neurological diseases/injuries, addictions, and the like.
As I read this, I wished I could go back in time to inform my own child-rearing practices. I missed so many opportunities to help my kids develop the way I intended. I've missed more than a few too with my grandchildren. The idea that a kid's brain is incapable of helping them control emotion and learn better behavior at the same time, is a simple one. But it is also profound. The point made about the propensity to lecture, to overwhelm kids with words, especially when they are utterly incapable of getting past the momentary chaos of their emotions, resonated so much with me. We want kids to develop empathy ...so we tell (yell?) them to "be nice to your sister!". Right. Like that works.
But most of us lack the tools we need to assess the mess our kids are in when they are sucking us into the vortex of their drama, let alone figure out what to do once we figure out what's happening. We get angry and have little insight into our own emotions and triggers. My granddaughter is hitting the buttons my spoiled sister always did? Ah ... yup. And those responses color how we behave, and it often isn't exemplary behavior.
This book walks you through a terrific model for improving your disciplinary style while challenging you to let go of what you think you know about how to correct bad behavior. The biggee? Punishment is not the goal. Suffering consequences is not the outcome. What? Really, you have to read it to get it.
The authors offer lots of examples of situations that are so common, I could instantly recognize them and recall both my feelings at the time and what I did right ..and wrong. They do not beat up on imperfect parents, but offer a more structured way to dig out from under your own chaos to reduce the drama and improve the learning so your child (or grandchild) can become the person you hope they will be. Helping kids gain the ability to self-manage strong emotions (and not deny having them), to put themselves in others' shoes, to collaboratively problem-solve with a parent (and others) when conflict arises. These are life skills and I agree that this should be the ultimate goal of discipline.
I really loved this book. I read an e-copy but think a hard copy would be useful since there are lists and tips in the back that you can put on the fridge (or take a pic of and put into your phone!) so that you can remind yourself how best to approach a break-down. This isn't a book you'll read once and then put on the shelf. It's a guidebook that I can imagine looking to often, especially when you tried to discipline well and it didn't work. They are quite clear that things don't always work as intended. That alone is refreshing.
This book also isn't just for little kids. It can work into adolescence and beyond. In fact, I think it could benefit the husband-wife relationship as well, since so often the topic of disciplining kids is a stressor for marriages.
The authors offer a workbook and I'm going to look at that as well. I think it would be helpful to try to do some scenarios to practice thinking in a new way. I also intend to check out their book "The Whole-Brain Child". Teachers could likely benefit from the work of these authors too; several examples of using this in schools are cited in the book I read.
I will encourage my adult children to read this .. and hopefully, use it. I'm certainly going to re-think my interactions with my grandchildren as a result of reading this. Highly recommend for parents, grandparents, teachers and caregivers who work with children.
And I'm glad it did.
Every generation has a new take ...sometimes evolutionary and sometimes revolutionary .. on how to best raise children. Discipline is always a challenge. And while we may subscribe to the "discipline equals teaching" school, figuring out what that means in practice is another thing altogether. I was drawn to this book as much for the subtitle as to the idea of reducing drama. Whole-Brain. What's that? I'm an evidence-based person by profession (a retired nurse practitioner) while also recognizing the limitations of supposed "evidence" alone as the basis for improving human interactions. The field of psychology in particular has had a difficult time attempting to be "scientific" with something as multi-factorial as human behavior. And its history is riddled with things once proven that haven't held up over time (even one study referenced in this book, about children and impulse control). But this relies much more on neuroscience and what we have learned about how the brain works as the foundation for understanding children as they grow and develop. This I can buy into because much of what is referenced here has corollaries in working with adults with neurological diseases/injuries, addictions, and the like.
As I read this, I wished I could go back in time to inform my own child-rearing practices. I missed so many opportunities to help my kids develop the way I intended. I've missed more than a few too with my grandchildren. The idea that a kid's brain is incapable of helping them control emotion and learn better behavior at the same time, is a simple one. But it is also profound. The point made about the propensity to lecture, to overwhelm kids with words, especially when they are utterly incapable of getting past the momentary chaos of their emotions, resonated so much with me. We want kids to develop empathy ...so we tell (yell?) them to "be nice to your sister!". Right. Like that works.
But most of us lack the tools we need to assess the mess our kids are in when they are sucking us into the vortex of their drama, let alone figure out what to do once we figure out what's happening. We get angry and have little insight into our own emotions and triggers. My granddaughter is hitting the buttons my spoiled sister always did? Ah ... yup. And those responses color how we behave, and it often isn't exemplary behavior.
This book walks you through a terrific model for improving your disciplinary style while challenging you to let go of what you think you know about how to correct bad behavior. The biggee? Punishment is not the goal. Suffering consequences is not the outcome. What? Really, you have to read it to get it.
The authors offer lots of examples of situations that are so common, I could instantly recognize them and recall both my feelings at the time and what I did right ..and wrong. They do not beat up on imperfect parents, but offer a more structured way to dig out from under your own chaos to reduce the drama and improve the learning so your child (or grandchild) can become the person you hope they will be. Helping kids gain the ability to self-manage strong emotions (and not deny having them), to put themselves in others' shoes, to collaboratively problem-solve with a parent (and others) when conflict arises. These are life skills and I agree that this should be the ultimate goal of discipline.
I really loved this book. I read an e-copy but think a hard copy would be useful since there are lists and tips in the back that you can put on the fridge (or take a pic of and put into your phone!) so that you can remind yourself how best to approach a break-down. This isn't a book you'll read once and then put on the shelf. It's a guidebook that I can imagine looking to often, especially when you tried to discipline well and it didn't work. They are quite clear that things don't always work as intended. That alone is refreshing.
This book also isn't just for little kids. It can work into adolescence and beyond. In fact, I think it could benefit the husband-wife relationship as well, since so often the topic of disciplining kids is a stressor for marriages.
The authors offer a workbook and I'm going to look at that as well. I think it would be helpful to try to do some scenarios to practice thinking in a new way. I also intend to check out their book "The Whole-Brain Child". Teachers could likely benefit from the work of these authors too; several examples of using this in schools are cited in the book I read.
I will encourage my adult children to read this .. and hopefully, use it. I'm certainly going to re-think my interactions with my grandchildren as a result of reading this. Highly recommend for parents, grandparents, teachers and caregivers who work with children.
July 29, 2024
I loved the Whole Brain Child but never read this book. Great ideas supported by research. I liked that the authors gave space to say that every kid is different and these strategies aren’t going to work every time. There is no perfect parent. I love lots of these ideas for the classroom as well.
April 6, 2024
"...A cereal bowl gets thrown across the kitchen, splattering milk and Cheerios all over the wall.
The dog runs in from the backyard and has inexplicably been painted blue. One of your kids threatens a younger sibling. You get a call from the principal’s office for the third time this month.
What do you do?"
At first, No-Drama Discipline struck me a somewhat decent read. However, as I sat on it for a while and thought about it after I finished the book, I had some critisims.
It's not all bad advice, though. The discussion is nuanced. More below.
Being the parent of a young child with an assertive disposition (for lack of a better term LOL), I decided to read a few books about child psychology. This one was fairly well rated, so I thought I'd give it a go.
Co-author Daniel J. Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and executive director of the Mindsight Institute.
Co-author Tina Payne Bryson is a psychotherapist and the Founder/Executive Director of THE CENTER FOR CONNECTION in Pasadena, California.
Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson:
The authors get the writing here off on a good foot, with a lively and engaging intro. They write with a straightforward style here that won't have trouble holding the finicky reader's attention. I found the book to have decent flow.
They outline the aim of the book in this bit of writing:
And this bit of writing roughly outlines the book's thesis:
Most of the writing here boils down to their concept of "Connect and Redirect," which they describe as:
Early on in the book, the authors unfold a paradigm of a "dual brain." That is, there is an "upstairs brain," which includes the cortex and all the high-order thinking, and the "downstairs brain," which includes reptilian brain stem, amygdala, and the limbic system. This is indeed how the human brain (roughly speaking) is ordered. basically, it started (evolutionarily speaking) down at the stem, and then grew over time - up and out to include the neo and pre-frontal cortex; regions where all executive function and all high-order thinking takes place.
However, anyone who's read a bit about neurology knows that a person's pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed until the mid 20's. Later for boys than girls; generally speaking.
The overall goal the author lays out is to get children to take the "downstairs brain" offline, and help bring their "upstairs brain" online.
So far, so good. Now here's where I had some issues. They are not fans of the "time out," and say they "wouldn't recommend it" They don't condone spanking or any other kind of physical discipline at all. By the sounds of it, this includes physically intervening when a child is acting violently themselves. They've got a bit of writing about how best to talk to your kid when they are throwing their toys at you:
I'm going to take a quote from the top review here, which perfectly sums up the rest of my criticism of this book:
Further to above I don't doubt that you can use some of the methods in the book successfully to be less rigid and disciplinarian, if you are that kind of parent. I doubt that the average reader of this book is that type of parent, tho.
Sometimes kids needs to know that certain behaviour is just not acceptable. Too much airy-fairy empathizing and negotiation can set up a kid for a maladjustment of expectations in later life. The world is not going to coddle your child like the authors in the book tell you to. Other children, adults, and the rest of the world are not going to care about any of the stuff talked about here. They don't want to deal with someone else's kid's crap. Society and social groups have rules and boundaries. It's important for children to be cognizant of these.
Of course, I agree with the authors that helping your kids discover these limitations should take place from a base and default of love and empathy, and not rigid authoritarianism. But sitting there doing nothing while your kid throws their toys at you is, well - ridiculous (for lack of a better term).
The authors kind of go back and forth on this, but I felt that they tended towards permissiveness and accommodation more often than not. Perhaps more than they should...
********************
No-Drama Discipline is an easy book to read. A lot of the advice here sounds nice, but is a bit detached from reality, and even common sense at times.
I think that this is a general trend in discourse around parenting these days, which is a sharp departure to the way children used to be raised.
I was originally going to give it a 3.5 star rating. After some reflection on the above criticisms, I'm giving it 2 stars.
The dog runs in from the backyard and has inexplicably been painted blue. One of your kids threatens a younger sibling. You get a call from the principal’s office for the third time this month.
What do you do?"
At first, No-Drama Discipline struck me a somewhat decent read. However, as I sat on it for a while and thought about it after I finished the book, I had some critisims.
It's not all bad advice, though. The discussion is nuanced. More below.
Being the parent of a young child with an assertive disposition (for lack of a better term LOL), I decided to read a few books about child psychology. This one was fairly well rated, so I thought I'd give it a go.
Co-author Daniel J. Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and executive director of the Mindsight Institute.
Co-author Tina Payne Bryson is a psychotherapist and the Founder/Executive Director of THE CENTER FOR CONNECTION in Pasadena, California.
Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson:
The authors get the writing here off on a good foot, with a lively and engaging intro. They write with a straightforward style here that won't have trouble holding the finicky reader's attention. I found the book to have decent flow.
They outline the aim of the book in this bit of writing:
"In this book, we’ll introduce you to what we call a No-Drama, Whole- Brain approach to discipline, offering principles and strategies that will remove most of the drama and high emotions that so typically characterize discipline. As a result, your life as a parent will be easier and your parenting will become more effective. More important, you’ll create connections in your children’s brains that build emotional and social skills that will serve them now and throughout their entire life—all while strengthening your relationship with them. What we hope you’ll discover is that the moments when discipline is called for are actually some of the most important moments of parenting, times when we have the opportunity to shape our children most powerfully. When these challenges arise—and they will— you’ll be able to look at them not merely as dreaded discipline situations full of anger and frustration and drama, but as opportunities to connect with your children and redirect them toward behavior that better serves them and your whole family."
And this bit of writing roughly outlines the book's thesis:
"No-Drama Discipline, as we’ll describe it in the coming pages, will help your kids become the people they are meant to be, improving their ability to control themselves, respect others, participate in deep relationships, and live moral and ethical lives. Just think, then, about the generational impact that will have as they grow up with these gifts and abilities, and raise children of their own, who can then pass on these same gifts to future generations!
It begins with rethinking what discipline really means, reclaiming it as a term that’s not about punishment or control, but about teaching and skill building—and doing so from a place of love, respect, and emotional connection."
Most of the writing here boils down to their concept of "Connect and Redirect," which they describe as:
"Connection means that we give our kids our attention, that we respect them enough to listen to them, that we value their contribution to problem solving, and that we communicate to them that we’re on their side—whether we like the way they’re acting or not.
When we discipline we want to join with our kids in a deep way that demonstrates how much we love them. In fact, when our children are misbehaving, that’s often when they most need connection with us...
...Once we’ve connected with our child and helped her calm herself so she can hear us and fully understand what we’re saying, we can then redirect her toward more appropriate behavior and help her see a better way to handle herself."
Early on in the book, the authors unfold a paradigm of a "dual brain." That is, there is an "upstairs brain," which includes the cortex and all the high-order thinking, and the "downstairs brain," which includes reptilian brain stem, amygdala, and the limbic system. This is indeed how the human brain (roughly speaking) is ordered. basically, it started (evolutionarily speaking) down at the stem, and then grew over time - up and out to include the neo and pre-frontal cortex; regions where all executive function and all high-order thinking takes place.
However, anyone who's read a bit about neurology knows that a person's pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed until the mid 20's. Later for boys than girls; generally speaking.
The overall goal the author lays out is to get children to take the "downstairs brain" offline, and help bring their "upstairs brain" online.
So far, so good. Now here's where I had some issues. They are not fans of the "time out," and say they "wouldn't recommend it" They don't condone spanking or any other kind of physical discipline at all. By the sounds of it, this includes physically intervening when a child is acting violently themselves. They've got a bit of writing about how best to talk to your kid when they are throwing their toys at you:
"...Maybe the explanation is simply that she’s three, and her brain isn’t sophisticated enough to understand and calmly express her feelings. So instead of doing her best to convey her crushing disappointment and anger that there’s no grape juice left, she begins throwing toys at you.
It’s during these times that a child most needs our comfort and calm presence. Forcing her to go off and sit by herself can feel like abandonment to a child, especially if she’s feeling out of control already. It may even send the subtle message that when she isn’t “doing the right thing” you don’t want to be near her."
I'm going to take a quote from the top review here, which perfectly sums up the rest of my criticism of this book:
"...All of the advice seems really great--it's loving, centered, and respectful of both parents and kids.
But it feels like there's a huge missing piece: while the authors repeatedly speak about "boundaries" and "limits", they also preach firmly against "consequences" or "punishment". It's easy to see where they're coming from: handing out these painful forms of discipline is rough on the relationship and can engage anger rather than creating an actual teachable moment. On the other hand, the form of discipline they advocate is almost completely toothless. Every time your child misbehaves you're supposed to set aside time to "connect" with them and "redirect" later to discuss the behavior. One wonders if children will really feel there's a limit or boundary if nothing other than an acknowledgement that they've crossed it is forthcoming from Mom and Dad.
In the book, almost every one of the example "interactions" end up with the child tearfully confessing their crimes, explaining their inner motivations, and working collaboratively with their parents on a solution. I don't know about your kids, but mine look me right in the eyes and tell me that they're just going to misbehave again!
Despite the many references to brain physiology, there is little to recommend this book scientifically. The advice is based on anecdotes, not research, and on a vastly simplified and dichotomous view of the brain.
I also felt like this book was of tremendously inflated size. Many paragraphs end with a variation on the following sentence: "And, by doing this, you'll not only help your kids cooperate in the short-term, but help their growing brains, giving them skills to last a lifetime!" After reading that sentence for the twentieth time, you may wish the authors had followed their *own advice* and used fewer words to greater effect."
Further to above I don't doubt that you can use some of the methods in the book successfully to be less rigid and disciplinarian, if you are that kind of parent. I doubt that the average reader of this book is that type of parent, tho.
Sometimes kids needs to know that certain behaviour is just not acceptable. Too much airy-fairy empathizing and negotiation can set up a kid for a maladjustment of expectations in later life. The world is not going to coddle your child like the authors in the book tell you to. Other children, adults, and the rest of the world are not going to care about any of the stuff talked about here. They don't want to deal with someone else's kid's crap. Society and social groups have rules and boundaries. It's important for children to be cognizant of these.
Of course, I agree with the authors that helping your kids discover these limitations should take place from a base and default of love and empathy, and not rigid authoritarianism. But sitting there doing nothing while your kid throws their toys at you is, well - ridiculous (for lack of a better term).
The authors kind of go back and forth on this, but I felt that they tended towards permissiveness and accommodation more often than not. Perhaps more than they should...
********************
No-Drama Discipline is an easy book to read. A lot of the advice here sounds nice, but is a bit detached from reality, and even common sense at times.
I think that this is a general trend in discourse around parenting these days, which is a sharp departure to the way children used to be raised.
I was originally going to give it a 3.5 star rating. After some reflection on the above criticisms, I'm giving it 2 stars.
June 2, 2018
I can't speak highly enough about this book. It explores the link between a child's neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior. Written in a clear and compassionate style, the authors present a research-based approach to viewing discipline as "teaching" rather than "punishing". It explains how a child's brain is--quite literally--immature, and how parents can help our children through difficult emotional times by connecting with them, helping them to calm down and access their "upper brain" where true learning and growth can occur. It stresses the important of consistency and boundaries, but within a framework of connecting lovingly with a child and helping them to develop their minds and morals in a way that will benefit them their entire life.
Co-author Tina Payne Bryson has a wonderful 5-minute video on Youtube (search no-drama discipline) that beautifully summarizes the no-drama discipline approach. If you're even a little curious about how to handle the next time your toddler (or teenager) has a melt-down, I would highly recommend it!
A rare 5-star book for me, and it totally deserves it.
Co-author Tina Payne Bryson has a wonderful 5-minute video on Youtube (search no-drama discipline) that beautifully summarizes the no-drama discipline approach. If you're even a little curious about how to handle the next time your toddler (or teenager) has a melt-down, I would highly recommend it!
A rare 5-star book for me, and it totally deserves it.
August 26, 2017
I enjoyed the basic ideas in this book, and appreciated the gentle, logical solutions presented. They are helpful ideas. But like SO many other parenting books, the tone is repetitive and a little arrogant - and it doesn't acknowledge that what parents need perhaps more than anything is grace for themselves, grace their children, and a sense of humor.
I wish more parenting authors would just acknowledge that at one time or another, your child will be the hot mess melting down in a very public place. Your child(ren) will pick up bad habits and present discipline challenges that will exasperate you. And none of that makes you a bad parent.
So yes, tell me your oh-so-perfect solutions for molding your child into that well-behaved angel that will make all of your other parent friends gaze upon with wistful sighs. But ... don't pretend that your book is going to solve the gritty, exhausting, frustrating parts of parenthood. It won't.
I wish more parenting authors would just acknowledge that at one time or another, your child will be the hot mess melting down in a very public place. Your child(ren) will pick up bad habits and present discipline challenges that will exasperate you. And none of that makes you a bad parent.
So yes, tell me your oh-so-perfect solutions for molding your child into that well-behaved angel that will make all of your other parent friends gaze upon with wistful sighs. But ... don't pretend that your book is going to solve the gritty, exhausting, frustrating parts of parenthood. It won't.
November 27, 2017
This is the sort of book I think I need to just always be reading. On a loop. Things I took away this time were to connect first, to remember that if there isn’t a connection, any attempts to correct will be futile. Also remembering that just as I have hard days where my attitude is less than ideal, so do my kids. My job is to help them recognize those triggers, figure out how to minimize the negativity and refocus. And the final big takeaway- while it might feel ridiculous to be creative in efforts to redirect, not overexplain and to connect instead of just putting a kid in time out (or something similar), in the end, that’s not how things get better. I’m sure I’ll retain more on my next read through, but this was exactly what I needed right now. Now to find the energy to use what I’ve learned....
February 14, 2015
This book reminds me of an updated version of books like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." In fact, this also has talking illustrations/cartoons outlining what to do ("Everyone gets to share the slide")/what not to do ((Let those kids slide or we're going home!"). What I like even better about this is it doesn't imply kids will always react in a reliable and connected way even if parents act and talk "perfectly" in any given situation. Lots of science behind children's brains, and helping kids to be emotionally self-aware. Summary of discipline outlined: connect & redirect. Good read.
April 9, 2019
sometimes a little too late. Good read, could be repetitive though, but with kids i guess you have to be
March 2, 2019
I had already read The Whole Brain Child, which is by the same authors, so I was familiar with a lot of their concepts already, but I would say this is better than the whole brain child because it focuses much more on practical application and it is just that-practical. They take into account that this stuff doesn’t work every time. Many child rearing books don’t really talk about how their approach doesn’t work 100% of the time because we and our children are human, but they explain that well. I’d definitely recommend it. It’s not a Christian parenting guide, but it does have some great principles and practices you can pick up.
September 23, 2018
Great book that expands on gentle intentional parenting and recognition that children are people too. Children have the same big feelings that us adults do, so why treat them differently and attempt to mold them into society norms without helping them work on their big feels. The skill of self control should be handled just like fine motors skills, developed and practiced one step at a time. If we adults do all the talking and see discipline as a means of punishment only, we are in a world of hurt.
April 10, 2015
All parents should read this. Great reminder of what is important.
June 4, 2018
Bütün Beyinli Çocuk kitabının yazarından olan Dramsız Disiplin kitabı, bağlantı ve sevgiyle çocukları disipline etmenin yollarını gösterirken, kendimize şefkat göstermemiz gerektiğini de vurguluyor.
December 22, 2021
كتاب نافع جدا..
ولكن الكلام يتكرر فيه بشدة..
ولكن الكلام يتكرر فيه بشدة..
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,763 reviews