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195 pages, Paperback
First published May 17, 2005
We carry the dead with us only until we die too, and then it is we who are borne along for a little while, and then our bearers in their turn drop, and so on into the unimaginable generations.
Happiness was different in childhood. It was so much then a matter simply of accumulation, of taking things – new experiences, new emotions – and applying them like so many polished tiles to what would someday be the marvellously finished pavilion of the self.
Night, and everything so quiet, as if there were no one, not even myself. I cannot hear the sea, which on other nights rumbles and growls, now near grating, now afar and faint. I do not want to be alone like this. Why have you not come back to haunt me? Is the least I would have expected of you. Why this silence day after day, night after interminable night? It is like a fog, this silence of yours.
There were things of course the boy that I was then would not have allowed himself to foresee, in his eager anticipations, even if he had been able. Loss, grief, the sombre days and the sleepless nights, such surprises tend not to register on the prophetic imagination's photographic plate.
These days I must take the world in small and carefully measured doses, it is a sort of homeopathic cure I am undergoing, though I am not certain what this cure is meant to mend. Perhaps I am learning to live among the living again. Practising, I mean. But no, that is not it. Being here is just a way of not being anywhere.
Still that day of license and illicit invitation was not done. As Mrs. Grace, stretched there on the grassy bank, continued softly snoring, a torpor descended on the rest of us in that little dell, the invisible net of lassitude that falls over a company when one of its number detaches and drops away into sleep. ... Suddenly she was the centre of the scene, the vanishing-point upon which everything converged, suddenly it was she for whom these patterns and these shades had been arranged with such meticulous artlessness: that white cloth on the polished glass, the leaning, blue-green tree, the frilled ferns, even those little clouds, trying to seem not to move, high up in the limitless marine sky.
Happiness was different in childhood. It was so much a matter of simply of accumulation, of taking things - new experiences, new emotions - and applying them like so many polished tiles to what would someday be the marvelously finished pavilion of the self. And incredulity, that too was a large part of being happy, I mean that euphoric inability fully to believe one's simple luck.
We forgave each other for all that we were not. What more could be expected, in this vale of torments and tears? Do not look so worried, Anna said, I hated you, too, a little, we were human beings, after all. Yet for all that, I cannot rid myself of the convictions that we missed something, that I missed something, only I do not know what it might have been.
I sat in the bay of the window and watched the day darken. Bare trees across the road were black against the last flares of the setting sun, and the rooks in a raucous flock were wheeling and dropping, settling disputatiously for the night. I was thinking of Anna. I make myself think of her, I do it as an exercise. She is lodged in me like a knife and yet I am beginning to forget her.
I said something, some fatuous thing such as Don't go, or Stay with me, but again she gave that impatient shake of the head, and tugged my hand to draw me closer. "They are stopping the clocks," she said, the merest threat of a whisper, conspiratorial. "I have stopped time." And she nodded, a solemn, knowing nod, and smiled, too, I would swear it was a smile.
“Qué pequeño recipiente de tristeza somos, navegando en este apagado silencio a través de la oscuridad del otoño.”Me está ocurriendo algo curioso últimamente con los libros que leo. Entre las sucesivas lecturas voy descubriendo como un hilo invisible que las conectan de algún modo. Por no irme más atrás, en mi lectura anterior, “Los enamoramientos”, de Javier Marías, se dice: “…su presente le causaba tanto desconcierto que en él era mucho más vulnerable y lánguida que cuando se instalaba en el pasado, incluso en el instante más doloroso y final del pasado…”. Y exactamente, punto por punto, es lo que le sucede al protagonista de esta hermosa, triste y terrible historia que nos cuenta John Banville con su prosa elegante y condensada en la que no falta, como parece que en él es habitual, un uso algo pretencioso del lenguaje.
“Esconderme, protegerme, guarecerme, eso es todo lo que realmente he querido siempre, amadrigarme en un lugar de calor uterino y quedarme allí encogido, oculto de la indiferente mirada del sol y de la severa erosión del aire. Por eso el pasado supone para mí un refugio, allí voy de buena gana, me froto las manos y me sacudo el frío presente y el frío futuro.”Y por esa memoria del pasado, caprichosa, esquiva, poco fiable, pero que, al mismo tiempo y de forma un tanto sorprendente, llega a ser puntillosa y detallista hasta niveles imposibles, sabremos de Max Morden, protagonista y narrador de esta historia, de su infancia, ese lugar del que nunca nos desprendemos. También sabremos de la culpa que arrastra desde entonces por algo que provocó sin intención, un malentendido que causó una catástrofe familiar y que ahora se entrelaza con el deterioro que conlleva los muchos años vividos y con el desamparo que siente tras la muerte de su mujer.
“Puta, maldita puta, cómo has podido dejarme así, revolcándome en mi propia inmundicia, sin nadie que me salve de mí mismo.”Y no es esta necesidad de volver al pasado la única hebra que une a este libro con el del escritor español, mayor aun es la coincidencia entre ambos en la indagación de lo que la muerte de un ser querido provoca en nuestras vidas, en nuestra identidad, cómo puede llegar a resquebrajarse aquello que fuimos y que ya no podremos reconstruir pues ese ser que se ha ido era la pieza que todo lo sostenía.
“… lo que encontré en Anna desde el principio fue una manera de realizar la fantasía de mí mismo.”Este problema de la identidad es otro de los grandes puntos de la novela, un tema siempre muy presente en las novelas de Javier Marías y que ahora también encuentro en mi lectura actual, “A contraluz”, de Rachel Cusk, la cual, a su vez, tiene una frase que bien podría ser el inicio de una novela de Marías: “…fue al oír que mi marido cantaba L'amour est un oiseau rebelle en la ducha cuando me di cuenta de que me era infiel”. El hilo haciendo de las suyas.
The silence about me was heavy as the sea.Sitting by the sea, I am trying hard to evade the embrace of camphoric memories that hover schemingly, stroked by the amorous waves. Often this colossal sapphire vial of solitude, seduced by a flicker of cuprous sky or a kiss of the timorous breeze, changes colour and instead of heaping balms of comfort, loathes me with a vision so sharp that a part of me detaches with a vile force and travels into the dense, supine but thorny gardens of bygone land. And then begins a passionate journey between these two warriors who might belong to the same clan but having grown under two vastly different masters, have acquired their traits – past and present do not let any pupil off easily.
Has this not always been my aim, is this not, indeed, the secret aim of all of us, to be no longer flesh but transformed utterly into a gossamer of un-suffering spirit?