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205 pages, Paperback
First published May 19, 2014
After you died I could not hold a funeral,
And so my life became a funeral.
Our experiences might have been similar, but they were far from identical. What good could an autopsy possibly do? How could we ever hope to understand what he went through, he himself, alone? What he'd kept locked away inside himself for all those years.
You feel the weight of an enormous glacier bearing down on your body. You wish that you were able to flow beneath it, to become fluid, whether seawater, oil, or lava, and shuck off these rigid impermeable outlines, which encase you like a coffin. Only that way might your find some form of release.
At that moment, I realized what all this was for. The words that this torture and starvation were intended to elicit. We will make you realize how ridiculous it was, the lot of you waving the national flag and singing the national anthem. We will prove to you that you are nothing but filty stinking bodies. That you are no better than the carcasses of starving animals.
Is it true that human beings are fundamentally cruel? Is the experience of cruelty the only hinge we share as as a species? Is the dignity that we cling to nothing but self-delusion, masking from ourselves this single truth: that each one of us is capable of being reduced to an insect, a ravening beast, a lump of meat? To be degraded, damaged, slaughtered--is this the essential fate of human kind, one that history has confirmed as inevitable?
Some of those who came to slaughter us did so with the memory of those previous times, when committing such actions in wartime won them a handsome reward. It happened in Gwangju just as it did on Jeju Island, in Kwantung and Nanjing, in Bosnia, and all across the American Continent when it was still known as the New World, with such a uniform brutality it's as through it is imprinted in our genetic code.
How long do souls linger by the side of their bodies?
Do they really flutter away like some kind of bird? Is that what trembles the edges of the candle flame?
I buried you with my own two hands. Removed your PE jacket and your sky-blue tracksuit bottoms, and dressed you in your dark winter uniform, over a white shirt. Tightened your belt just so and put clean gray socks on you. When they put you in a plywood coffin and loaded it up onto the rubbish truck, I said I'd ride at the front to watch over you.
Was it horrifying, for you, Dong-ho, the boy no more than 15 years old, walking among the dead, tallying up the corpses as the putrid stink permeated through the bloodstained national flags that draped them?Why would you sing the national anthem for people who have been killed by soldiers? As though it wasn't the nation itself that had murdered them? Yet, this doesn't phase you as much as the sickening, dreadful need to find your friend out there. ....What terror you must have felt at having just been knocked from your body, the boy's friend ponders, while adapting to his strange new 'existence or nonexistence', like other souls hovering between light and shade , adrift, haunting the edges of the living, left to float aimlessly. How long do souls linger by the side of their bodies? Do they really flutter away like some kind of bird? Is that what trembles the edges of the candle flame? Does it mean I would now only exist in dreams..Or perhaps in memories? Do the survivors remember the dead in dreams? No... in nightmares, in the guilt and the shame such as the editor suffered everyday for the last five years. It occurred to her...that there was something shameful about eating....she thought of the dead, for whom the absence of life meant that they would never be hungry again. But life still lingered on for her, with hunger still a yoke around her neck. Through burning tears, she endured the publisher's abuse in silent revolt, while quietly echoing the censored words no longer readable in the manuscript she holds, After you died I could not hold a funeral, And so my life became a funeral. The death constantly disturbed the prisoner, Why did he die, while I'm still alive? We shared the same cell, were tortured the same brutal way , we ate the same meals - was it that he suffered more than me? .....Every day I fight with the fact of my humanity. Why was I left behind in this hell? thought the boy's mother - chasing you through the market square, but can never catch up with you, because I buried your bloodless body with my own two hands thirty years ago. You were so afraid of the darkness between the trees, on our walks by the riverside. You tugged at my hand, urging, "It's sunny over there, Mum,... Why are we walking in the dark, let's go over there, where the flowers are blooming." The memory stabs me like the cold steel of a bayonet, I can never forget it. Never forget, is why the writer, thirty three years later, interviewed the survivors and penned a requiem to memorialize the forsaken.
I believe in reason and in discussion as supreme instruments of progress, and therefore I repress hatred even within myself: I prefer justice. Precisely for this reason, when describing the tragic world of Auschwitz, I have deliberately assumed the calm, sober language of the witness, neither the lamenting tones of the victim nor the irate voice of someone who seeks revenge. I thought that my account would be all the more credible and useful the more it appeared objective and the less it sounded overly emotional; only in this way does a witness in matters of justice perform his task, which is that of preparing the ground for the judge. The judges are my readers. Primo Levi