What do you think?
Rate this book
The Reappearing Act: Coming Out on a College Basketball Team Led By Born-Again Christians
It’s hard enough coming out, but playing basketball for a nationally ranked school and trying to figure out your sexual identity in the closeted and paranoid world of big-time college sports—that’s a challenge.
Kate Fagan’s love for basketball and for her religious teammates at the University of Colorado was tested by the gut-wrenching realization that she could no longer ignore the feelings of otherness inside her. In trying to blend in, Kate had created a hilariously incongruous world for herself in Boulder. Her best friends were part of Colorado’s Fellowship of Christian Athletes, where they ran weekly Bible studies and attended an Evangelical Free Church. For nearly a year, Kate joined them and learned all she could about Christianity—even holding their hands as they prayed for others “living a sinful lifestyle.” Each time the issue of homosexuality arose, she felt as if a neon sign appeared over her head, with a giant arrow pointed downward. During these prayer sessions, she would often keep her eyes open, looking around the circle at the closed eyelids of her friends, listening to the earnestness of their words.
Kate didn’t have a vocabulary for discussing who she really was and what she felt when she was younger; all she knew was that she had a secret. In The Reappearing Act, she brings the reader along for the ride as she slowly accepts her new reality and takes the first steps toward embracing her true self.
Kate Fagan’s love for basketball and for her religious teammates at the University of Colorado was tested by the gut-wrenching realization that she could no longer ignore the feelings of otherness inside her. In trying to blend in, Kate had created a hilariously incongruous world for herself in Boulder. Her best friends were part of Colorado’s Fellowship of Christian Athletes, where they ran weekly Bible studies and attended an Evangelical Free Church. For nearly a year, Kate joined them and learned all she could about Christianity—even holding their hands as they prayed for others “living a sinful lifestyle.” Each time the issue of homosexuality arose, she felt as if a neon sign appeared over her head, with a giant arrow pointed downward. During these prayer sessions, she would often keep her eyes open, looking around the circle at the closed eyelids of her friends, listening to the earnestness of their words.
Kate didn’t have a vocabulary for discussing who she really was and what she felt when she was younger; all she knew was that she had a secret. In The Reappearing Act, she brings the reader along for the ride as she slowly accepts her new reality and takes the first steps toward embracing her true self.
200 pages, Hardcover
First published May 6, 2014
About the author
Kate Fagan
13 books219 followersKate Fagan is an Emmy Award–winning journalist and the #1 New York Times bestselling author of What Made Maddy Run, which was a semi-finalist for the PEN/ESPN Award for literary sports writing. She is also the author of three additional nonfiction titles, a former professional basketball player, and spent seven years as a journalist at ESPN. Kate currently lives in Charleston with her wife, Kathryn Budig, and their dog, Ragnar.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
March 21, 2016
Fagan was a student—and basketball player—at the University of Colorado when she realised that she was gay. It was an inopportune time and place for the realisation: while it's not clear from the book how religious/conservative the university and town were, her team was dominated by a crew of evangelical Christians who were very, very clear about where they stood on the subject of sexuality.
The book's subtitle indicates that this is a coming-out story, but in many ways it's more of a staying-in-the-closet story. Fagan came out to herself, and to select friends and family members, few of whom reacted as she might have hoped. At the same time, she worked to keep her sexuality a secret from the majority of the team. It's not until the end of the book that Fagan discusses (sums up, really) getting to a point where she was actually comfortable with, and open about, her sexuality. That's not a criticism of Fagan herself, of course, but I suspect it might have been a stronger book had it been structured differently, with a bit more time given to the after-university period.
I wonder, too, where these teammates are now, and how their own views have changed. Would they think that if they (or Fagan) had just prayed harder, things would have turned out differently? Honestly, it sounds like, if the basketball team had been less conservative/more accepting, Fagan might have stuck with the religious end of things. Would her teammates have seen that as better or worse than her being closeted and constantly afraid/guilty? Writing-wise, this didn't do much for me, but there's a fair amount of food for thought.
The book's subtitle indicates that this is a coming-out story, but in many ways it's more of a staying-in-the-closet story. Fagan came out to herself, and to select friends and family members, few of whom reacted as she might have hoped. At the same time, she worked to keep her sexuality a secret from the majority of the team. It's not until the end of the book that Fagan discusses (sums up, really) getting to a point where she was actually comfortable with, and open about, her sexuality. That's not a criticism of Fagan herself, of course, but I suspect it might have been a stronger book had it been structured differently, with a bit more time given to the after-university period.
I wonder, too, where these teammates are now, and how their own views have changed. Would they think that if they (or Fagan) had just prayed harder, things would have turned out differently? Honestly, it sounds like, if the basketball team had been less conservative/more accepting, Fagan might have stuck with the religious end of things. Would her teammates have seen that as better or worse than her being closeted and constantly afraid/guilty? Writing-wise, this didn't do much for me, but there's a fair amount of food for thought.
January 17, 2018
Interesting and important content. I found it a bit drawn out, think it would have worked better as some passages condensed into a long-form article.
Read
April 13, 2017Sadly familiar story
What a sadly familiar story. Kate Fagan's well written story of her journey to accept herself through this struggle of coming to terms with who she is when everyone around her was telling her she was wrong.
This book hit home in many ways. I'm proud of Kate for making her way through the tough times. It's hard realizing you're different when the people you are surrounded by are unaccepting of that perfectly "normal" difference. Thank you for telling your story and for living your truth.
What a sadly familiar story. Kate Fagan's well written story of her journey to accept herself through this struggle of coming to terms with who she is when everyone around her was telling her she was wrong.
This book hit home in many ways. I'm proud of Kate for making her way through the tough times. It's hard realizing you're different when the people you are surrounded by are unaccepting of that perfectly "normal" difference. Thank you for telling your story and for living your truth.
March 7, 2023
As a track athlete at a Christian college, this book hit close to home. Sadly I was playing the part of the Christian friends rather than the person finding their own path… I didn’t force my beliefs about sexuality on anyone but definitely did about underage drinking. And, well, the finding yourself path sounds a lot more painful, but I shudder to think of what suffering I inflicted with my judgment.
I don’t think there was anyone who was out on our entire squad. Given that there were 60 young adults on it, there were probably some closeted people. Kate’s memoir was eye opening to the challenges that any of my teammates could have been facing beneath the surface of our busy days spent training, competing and studying together.
Honestly the older I get the more I feel like I need to apologize for back then. I should have been so much more supportive to my teammates. I am no longer religious and have learned a lot about relationships and power dynamics and problems in college sports. I am thankful for Kate Fagan sharing her experience and adding to my understanding in this area.
I don’t think there was anyone who was out on our entire squad. Given that there were 60 young adults on it, there were probably some closeted people. Kate’s memoir was eye opening to the challenges that any of my teammates could have been facing beneath the surface of our busy days spent training, competing and studying together.
Honestly the older I get the more I feel like I need to apologize for back then. I should have been so much more supportive to my teammates. I am no longer religious and have learned a lot about relationships and power dynamics and problems in college sports. I am thankful for Kate Fagan sharing her experience and adding to my understanding in this area.
September 24, 2015
Fagan, in a very real and very personal way, details her struggles with realizing she is lesbian while being surrounded by people who think homosexuality is a sin. I discovered this book when I started following Fagan on Twitter after enjoying her work as an Around the Horn panelist. I can't imagine going through what Fagan went through and the negative reaction of her close friends and parents is gut wrenching.
February 5, 2016
In trying to be accepted and fitting in with the Christian Bible crowd, the author denies her possible lesbianism that is painfully stretched out through years of internal homophobia, even beyond college. Two issues I couldn't get over were that she was not religious in the first place and accepted the Bible study as dogma, an that she continued her denial well after college. She was living in New York, she was covering the NBA. The last chapter covers to much and is rushed.
July 18, 2019
College sports and sexual identity, a tricky mix. I wanted to see more from the conversations with Kris, Ashley, and Coach Barry (the latter which ended up lasting just about a page long). Fagan instead focuses on the relationship with Dee. I get it, it’s a best friend who turns her back on Fagan, but I feel the reader would have more to gain from learning about these other relationships during Fagan’s playing time at Colorado.
November 12, 2014
A touching and very well written autobiography. Kate Fagan does an excellent job in discussing the acid sting of rejection and the freedom that comes from being out of the closet. After purchasing this book, I tore through it in a day and when I did have to stop reading (hey, sometimes you have to go to work) I couldn't wait to get back to see what would happen next.
May 31, 2021
I just read "The Reappearing Act"...I started and finished it in one day. I couldn't let go of the pages that so accurately described my basketball playing college years when I struggled with my sexual identity, while tangled up in Christianity, judgement, guilt, shame and losing people I considered friends.I was transported back to the pain of where I've been and it helped me see how far I've come into my life as a confident, out and proud lesbian.
January 21, 2023
This memoir was well-done, thought-provoking, and I felt that her writing style made it easy to connect with her and her story. Kate Fagan was clearly not a stranger to doing hard things through her academic and athletic careers. Then, she finds herself in a position through trying to connect with her team members and in an evangelical group who seemingly tried to help but alienated her core self. She demonstrated so much courage and her sharing her story will no doubt help others who either are struggling themselves and/or want to support loved ones coming out.
July 14, 2014
Fagan, Kate. The Reappearing Act: Coming Out as Gay on a College Basketball Team Led by Born-Again Christians. Skyhorse Publishing. 2014. $24.95. 200p. HC 978-1-62914-205-0.
Kate Fagan’s memoir recounts her life on the University of Colorado’s women’s basketball team. Though not from a religious family, Fagan aligned herself with the evangelical Christians on her team, attending Bible studies and worship services and attempting to convince others to repent. However, Fagan soon realized that she was a lesbian, and she found her new-found faith to be in conflict with her newly-discovered orientation. This memoir describes her struggles to reconcile her beliefs and her orientation and the effect of those choices on her relationship with her teammates.
This is an unusual memoir, not because of Fagan’s struggle with her beliefs and her orientation, but rather because Fagan was not raised in a religious home. Rather than growing up with internalized homophobia, as many religious persons do, Fagan chose to spend time with evangelical Christians during college because they were part of her basketball team. Although she recounts many occasions where she attended Bible studies or prayed or worshiped with others, Fagan never states that she had a conversion experience. In the language of the evangelical Christians whom she befriended, she was never “saved” or “born again.” So her struggle with her orientation focused more on how her teammates would react, rather than how God would react. Also, although she did, in fact, come out to a couple of teammates, there was never a big “coming out” experience where she admitted to the entire team that she was a lesbian and had to deal with the ramifications. Fagan herself states that she has chosen, as she posits many others in college sports do, to keep her orientation to herself and a few close friends. In spite of the somewhat misleading title, this book will be popular among college basketball fans and would be a good addition to a public library’s collection.
Recommended for: basketball fans, teens and adults
Overall Rating: 3/5 stars
Kate Fagan’s memoir recounts her life on the University of Colorado’s women’s basketball team. Though not from a religious family, Fagan aligned herself with the evangelical Christians on her team, attending Bible studies and worship services and attempting to convince others to repent. However, Fagan soon realized that she was a lesbian, and she found her new-found faith to be in conflict with her newly-discovered orientation. This memoir describes her struggles to reconcile her beliefs and her orientation and the effect of those choices on her relationship with her teammates.
This is an unusual memoir, not because of Fagan’s struggle with her beliefs and her orientation, but rather because Fagan was not raised in a religious home. Rather than growing up with internalized homophobia, as many religious persons do, Fagan chose to spend time with evangelical Christians during college because they were part of her basketball team. Although she recounts many occasions where she attended Bible studies or prayed or worshiped with others, Fagan never states that she had a conversion experience. In the language of the evangelical Christians whom she befriended, she was never “saved” or “born again.” So her struggle with her orientation focused more on how her teammates would react, rather than how God would react. Also, although she did, in fact, come out to a couple of teammates, there was never a big “coming out” experience where she admitted to the entire team that she was a lesbian and had to deal with the ramifications. Fagan herself states that she has chosen, as she posits many others in college sports do, to keep her orientation to herself and a few close friends. In spite of the somewhat misleading title, this book will be popular among college basketball fans and would be a good addition to a public library’s collection.
Recommended for: basketball fans, teens and adults
Overall Rating: 3/5 stars
January 6, 2016
As a queer alumni of the same university as the author, many of the situations she described resonated with me and my experience. However there were quite a few glaring issues with this book for me. It seemed that the author has an incredible amount of internalized homophobia. Most people do and coming out helps to heal those feelings but does not eradicate them. So, I could forgive her for not closing the book happily or with some great personal victory in her journey for self acceptance but it made the emotional drag of the earlier trauma described wear on me all the more. I also got the very strong sense the author is still deeply ashamed of her homosexuality or at the very least wrote this book to be read by people who feel it is something shameful or gross. All potentially romantic scenes were completely glossed over. I don't require smut or erotica but I wanted to know the the author had a thrill, a euphoric jump in her heart that connected her to the human experience of romantic love and made the risk of being herself worth it. Finally, there is so much unchecked privilege bleeding through in every experience she details. Wealth and classism are rampant in the parts of her life that did work out and perhaps in her work being published at all. I understand this is a memoir but with the majority of people receiving sports scholarships are white and from families that could already afford tuition, 40% of homeless youth are lgtq, many queer people face great discrimination in housing and employment, the list of social ills goes on and yet there was not even a nod of acknowledgement by the author.
March 27, 2014
This is a short memoir about Kate Fagan's experiences of realizing she was gay and coming out while playing basketball for the University of Colorado. Many of her friends and teammates at the time were heavily involved in Fellowship of Christian athletes, something she participated with them in. When she finally gets up enough courage to share her secret with her friends she is essentially shunned except when they are drilling in to her that her actions are a sin leading her ultimately to completely turn away from God and her former friends. It was a pretty good story, and to me it really spoke about how much many Christians are hurting people and forcing them out of the church because they are gay instead of showing them real love.
October 6, 2015
This was less about coming out and more about finding herself. Kate Fagan describes her time as a college athlete, where she agreed to attend Christian Fellowship meetings with some of her teammates but then realized she was gay and had to hide it from the homophobic Christians. There was very little about what the team members who weren't part of that community thought and it doesn't sound like Kate tried to reach out to them once she realized that the answers given by the Christian activists weren't resonating with her.
This must have been a hard book emotionally to write, as the author had to revisit the rejections and difficulties of her college life.
This must have been a hard book emotionally to write, as the author had to revisit the rejections and difficulties of her college life.
May 15, 2014
A beautiful story about an athlete struggling with with her religious beliefs and sexuality. I great read for anyone struggling to let their real self show through"...the pain of living in a glass closet. You tell yourself that you're just wearing a coat, protecting yourself in public against the elements. You tell yourself it's just temporary, that someday you'll take off the coat and be the real you. But eventually, years later, when the time comes and you're finally ready to shed it forever, you realize you can't. The coat has become your skin." - Kate Fagan
October 22, 2015
Fagan was incredibly honest in her writing. She exposed her self and showed an exceptionally vulnerable side. Her story is honest and raw. The emotional pull of the book is heavy, coming out is an emotional process and losing your best friend because you accept who you are is heart breaking. Fagan takes readers through her emotion journey, all the while letting us hear her inner most thoughts.
May 24, 2018
I appreciated Kate's story as she came to terms with her sexuality and her relationships with her Christian friends. It was confusing at times because it wasn't always clear when in time various events or conversations were happening. I also felt the sentence structure was very basic and repetitive, and there were a lot of physical details that didn't need to be included.
May 1, 2014
Well written coming of age story about a young female athlete who gets caught up in a fundamentalist Christian group at the same time that she is grappling with her own sexuality. Honest and at times heart-breaking,
February 11, 2020
Wow. I don't know much about US college sports so this was an interesting insight into that world. But primarily I found the evangelical Christianity pretty shocking. In any other context, this would be recognised as radicalisation.
July 27, 2022
Books like this are the reason that I didn't think I liked memoirs. Which is a shame, as I've read 2 other memoirs this year and they were fabulous. While the book was technically well written, as in, you can tell that she knows how to grammatically structure a sentence, it lacked any sort of true plotline for me. It read as just a jumbled mess of thoughts, often jumping from one to another without a smooth connection. The ending also felt rushed. I felt like there were so many points at which she could have elaborated, or added more context to make the reader truly connect to the moment. Instead everything felt superficial, like a recounting of something that happened to your mom. It also lacked any emotional connection for me. Now, this may be because I don't really relate to Kate in any fashion (except having a similar name) and the memoirs I have fallen in love with are definitely ones where I could connect with the author in some fashion. I liked that the complexity of Christianity was talked about, and thought that the author did a good job of talking about her feelings toward God and thought about Christianity in general without sounding demeaning or judgmental, even when she clearly did not agree with them anymore. Overall it was fine and inoffensive, but I won't reread and I didn't particularly like it. Some books simply aren't for everyone! (note: read as part of my 12 in 12 challenge)
March 7, 2019
This book was gripping. It was powerful and moving, and showed the difficulties of growing up gay in a world so quick to condemn, persecute, judge. Kate Fagan is an amazingly strong woman to have gone through the things she did and still be so successful. She is a true inspiration. I recommend this book not only to those struggling to come out of the closet, but to those who believe in “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” I believe both will find great knowledge in this story. To those struggling to come out of the closet, you’ll feel stronger, braver, like you matter (which you do). Also- and this for the ‘hate the sin not the sinners’- you’ll finish this story and find that you’ve been so blind to the obviousness of the truth; that there is nothing, at all, wrong with being gay.
July 25, 2017
A warmly human, as-honest-as-it-gets memoir of the anguished part of Fagan's life and career to now. In an age (2004) where coming out was certainly not as relatively easy and certainly not celebrated as it is today (2017) what comes across here is not so much her courage in a social sense (she didn't feel like a pioneer or even much of a role model as many do today) but her mental toughness to work through the competing/conflicting spiritual and Spiritual storms in her life. It's an easy read, engaging because of that honesty and an uplifting hymn to the human spirit. Wrapped up of course in the wonderful world of NCAA basketball.
June 11, 2023
I listen to Kate Fagan's podcast, and somehow in the press for her new book, I looked into the previous books she'd written, including this memoir of her coming to terms with her sexuality while in college, on a team full of devout Christians in the early 2000s. It's wryly funny ("Whatever answers the Bible did not expressly offer--sadly, Jesus was silent on the topic of ACL injuries--were ones that should be sought through prayer.") and deeply self-reflective. It's deeply sympathetic to everyone around her--even those who ultimately were unsupportive--and I imagine difficult to write. It's insightful and warm and everything that I've found great about Fagan's work later in her life.
August 20, 2017
I picked up "The Reappearing Act" from the library on a Saturday afternoon and finished it by Sunday morning. Why couldn't I put it down? Because this slice-of-life memoir has all the page-turner-y goodness of a novel, plus the authenticity of author's real struggles as a gay college athlete circa 2001. Fagan deftly alternates between the process of coming out over several basketball seasons and flashbacks to earlier memories that play off the main action as it unfolds. The result is a narrative arc propelled by both vivid details and emotional heft.
January 1, 2018
This is an interesting read. To follow along with Kate Fagan and she describes what she went through is both heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time. To see her battles with her emotions and desires and not knowing what they mean while also having to deal with the pressures and prejudices of others and the pain and anguish that it caused her is very eye opening and intense. If you ever wondered why some people never come out or hold it so close to the bone, this is a good read to help understand it.
November 29, 2022
I loved this book although it was heartbreaking. I grew up in a homophobic, super Christian area and I’ve since renounced nearly all I was taught. I loved reading Fagan’s perspective as she tried to navigate wanting to be a believer with her true authentic self. This book helped me confirm my deconstruction from such hateful thoughts. I’ve been a Kate Fagan fan ever since What Made Maddie Run and I’m proud of her journey to get where she is today because after reading this, I know it was more difficult than I could’ve imagined.
March 28, 2018
A personal memoir thoughtfully written. My own beliefs are not the same but Kate Fagan shares her heart and story well. It gives a lot of ground for contemplation. Her objections to evangelical Christianity are not frivolous or shallow, but personal and touching.
August 13, 2022
The time it took to finish this is no judgement on the author. I just didn't have the fortitude to listen to another serious title in any stretch. This is a great book. I wish I could have been there to assist her when she needed someone.
September 17, 2017
This was pretty amazing. Open, honest, unflinching. I think the world has come a long way since Ms. Fagan was in Boulder, but I know that we certainly still have a long way to go. Brava, Kate!
December 25, 2017
Kate Fagan is an honest and brilliant writer. This book is a captivating read about embracing the essence of who you are.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews