I Hope This Doesn’t Find You

i used to imagine what it would be like to be someone who had somebody else. i would imagine tenderness. the concept of infinite. of endless patience. imagine them chasing after me even when i run. cradling my sorrows in the palm of their hands. imagine them caring, trying to understand. and now there’s you.

you distract me when my brain is being cruel. you sharpen my edges when the world tries to wear them down.

i’m not so familiar with vices—i like to think i have none, but if anything were to count, you would be my only one. it must be an addiction, or an obsession. i have never known anybody as completely as i know you, and yet i still want to sit next to you, draw close to you, closer. i want you to tell me every story, want to listen to you speak until the night sinks in the sky and the stars fade out. i want you to hold me like a grudge, keep me like a promise, haunt me like a ghost. you’re so beautiful it enrages me.

✧.➛ “all of which to say, i hope this finds you. and i hope you find me too.”

✧.➛ “fix this. it's what i've always done, or tried to do. fix the gap in my family, the holes in my life, patch everything up, smooth everything over.”

✧.➛ “for ten years i thought i was preparing to destroy you, when really i was preparing to love you.”

“Iʼm not so familiar with vices— I like to think I have none, but if anything were to count, you would be my only one.”

“I really can’t stand it when people are angry at me. Like, I know it might be simple for others, but I can’t focus on anything else. I can’t just forget about it and go on with my own life. It’s like there’s something hard wedged inside my chest. I’ll always feel guilty. I’ll always want to make amends.”

“When I was fourteen, I would stare up at my bedroom walls and wonder what it was like to fall in love. Most of my inspiration came from songs and the movies. But still, I imagined it. What it would be like to be someone who had somebody else. I would imagine tenderness. The concept of infinite. Of endless patience. Imagine them chasing after me even when I run. Cradling my sorrows in the palm of their hands. Imagine them caring, trying to understand.”

“You have to understand . . . If you knew the effect you had on me, how often I think about you, the things I would do for you . . . I wouldnʼt stand a chance against you ever again. You would have taken everything from me.”

“I think you're obsessed with me, Sadie Wen.”

“Do you always pay such close attention to everything people say?”
“No. Only what you say.”

“For ten years I thought I was preparing to destroy you, when really I was preparing to love you.”

“Are you here to select bread, or a future wife? What's taking so long?”
HIs smile is sharp, taunting. “The latter.”

“Why is it me? Why do you always single me out?"
"Because," he says quietly. "You're the only person worth paying attention to.”

“You were right, Sadie Wen. I am completely, helplessly obsessed with you.”

“I have never known anybody as completely as I know you, and yet I still want to sit next to you, draw close to you, closer. I want you to tell me every story, want to listen to you speak until the night sinks in the sky and the stars fade out. I want you to hold me like a grudge, keep me like a promise, haunt me like a ghost.”

“It’s us, Sadie,” he says, like that’s answer enough. “When have we been bad at anything?”

“I can't always say pretty things, and sometimes I tease you when really I just want you to look my way, and—wait.” He stops. Even his breath freezes in his throat. “What...did you just say? Say it again.”
“I choose you,” I say quietly, glad for the shadows concealing my flushed cheeks. For the support of the wall behind me.
“You will always be my first choice, Julius Gong.”

“Because beneath my apprehension is the stronger, deeply ingrained need to be liked. To be accepted. To be forgiven. To be recognized as good. I'll do anything to redeem myself.”

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⌞ “ for ten years i thought i was preparing to destroy you, when really i was preparing to love you. ” ⌝

┊➶ “ this whole time, it’s been you. ” ₊˚๑

┊➶ “ you were right, sadie wen. i am completely, helplessly obsessed with you. ” ₊˚๑

┊➶ “ i want you to hold me like a grudge, keep me like a promise, haunt me like a ghost. ” ₊˚๑

┊➶ “ for now and forever you will never be second. you will never be inadequate. you will never be anything but good. ” ₊˚๑

— “ all of which is to say i really hope this finds you. and i hope you find me too. ”

— “ in order to beat the enemy, you have to understand them intimately. you have to observe them, learn their weaknesses, memorize their every word, track their progress, predict their next move. for ten years i thought i was preparing to destroy you, when really i was preparing to love you. ”

— “ i used to imagine what it would be like to be someone who had somebody else. i would imagine tenderness. the concept of infinite. of endless patience. imagine them chasing after me even when i run. cradling my sorrows in the palm of their hands. imagine them caring, trying to understand. and now there’s you. ”

— “ you distract me when my brain is being cruel, you sharpen my edges when the world tries to wear them down.”

“Fix this. It's what I've always done, or tried to do. Fix the gap in my family, the holes in my life, patch everything up, smooth everything over.”

“I have all your emails memorized word for word.”

“It’s not about his dignity, it’s about mine. By insulting my competition, you’re insulting me.”

“Because I’m willing to lose everything, so long as I don’t lose you.”

“I choose you, you’ll always be my first choice, Julius Gong.”

“I think you’re obsessed with me, Sadie Wen.”

“Your entire existence is basically a run‑on sentence.”
“And here I’d thought you’d already used up every possible insult in your emails.”
“Don’t worry, I can always think of more.”

“You look how you always look, Julius,”
“And how is that?”
“Completely pretentious, in a nice way though.”

“Be quiet. You’re prettier when you don’t talk.”

“Well, Julius Gong. It sounds like you’re the one obsessed with me.”

“You’re the only person worth paying attention to.”

“All of this is to say that Julius is lovely,”
“And Sadie is the light of my life, the sun in my sky, the source of all my joy.”

“Are you here to select bread or a future wife? What’s taking so long?”
“The latter.”

“It’s like I’ve been poisoned, it’s like a sickness, and somehow, the cause and cure of it is him.”

“If you’re quiet about the things that hurt you, people are only going to mistake your tolerance for permission. And they’re going to hurt you again and again.”

“I recall you saying you would rather die than kiss me again.”
“God, you really know how to hold a grudge.”
“They’re your words, not mine.”

“Do you always pay such close attention to everything people say?”
“No. Only what you say.”

“I want you to hold me like a grudge, keep me like a promise, haunt me like a ghost. You’re so beautiful it enrages me.”

“Let me establish for now and forever that you will never be second. You will never be inadequate. You will never be anything but good.”

“You were right, Sadie Wen. I am completely, helplessly obsessed with you.”

"I'm supposed to be the reliable child in the family, the person most likely to succeed and turn our lives around."

"I would be the good daughter, the strong one, the one who kept everyone afloat."

"Because beneath my apprehension is the stronger, deeply ingrained need to be liked. To be accepted. To be forgiven. To be recognized as good. I'll do anything to redeem myself."

"I wish I wasn't the kind of person who is always so sensitive to other people's shifting moods and tones, who startles when someone raises their voice even a little, who cowers when someone else gets annoyed."

"I hate it when people are mad at me. I hate it, I hate it, I can't stand it."

✧"you were right, sadie wen. i am completely, helplessly obsessed with you. love, julius"

✧"for ten years i thought i was preparing to destroy you, when really i was preparing to love you. all of which to say i really hope this finds you. and i hope you find me too."

✧"because i'm willing to lose everything," he says, his eyes blacker than the surrounding darkness, than the sky outside, "so long as i don't lose you."

✧"you'll always be my first choice, julius gong."

✧"it's us, sadie," he says, like that's answer enough. "when have we ever been bad at anything?"

✧what i'm realizing is that if you're quiet about the things that hurt you, people are only going to mistake your tolerance for permission.

✧"it's like a sickness, and somehow, the cause and cure of it is him."

✧"she's smart, okay? she's a formidable force. she does everything she sets her mind to and nothing can stand in her way. not even me."

✧i'm only meant to absorb what others feel, present the best side of myself, sit still and swallow my own emotions.

✧and i know, even as the present is unfolding, that i'll always remember this. the gleam of confetti on the hardwood floor. the night falling around us. the dark strand of hair falling over julius's eyes. the quiet that feels like a truce, a reprieve from the war, something more.

“For ten years I thought I was preparing to destroy you, when really I was preparing to love you.” ᯓᡣ𐭩

“You were right, Sadie Wen. I am completely, helplessly obsessed with you.” ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

“I think you're obsessed with me, Sadie Wen.” ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪

➵enemies to lovers
➵he fell first
➵forced proximity
➵unexpected love interest
➵missing/absent parent
➵spice free

Love starts in unexpected places
Sometimes, it can be good to put yourself first

I loved it!! It really got me hooked from the very first chapter. It was set at a nice, steady rhythm where things didn't happen too fast or too slow. This also really helped me to start and get out of my reading slump that's been killing me for months, so I really appreciate the pacing of this book!
The ending, though, felt a little rushed for me. I feel like the addition of an extra chapter and/or epilogue would've made it perfect!

🌷"You made it clear—so terribly clear—how much you hate me. That I’m the last person in the world you would ever consider. But I kept looking for signs that would suggest otherwise. I kept wondering if it was still possible. Because I’m willing to lose everything," he says, his eyes blacker than the surrounding darkness, than the sky outside, "so long as I don’t lose you."

🌷"I’m not so familiar with vices—I like to think I have none, but if anything were to count, you would be my only one. It must be an addiction or an obsession. I have never known anybody as completely as I know you."

🌷You’re so beautiful it enrages me.

🌷Let me establish for now and forever that you will never be second. You will never be inadequate. You will never be anything but good.

🌷You were right, Sadie Wen. I am completely, helplessly obsessed with you.
Love,
Julius