Elizabeth Gilbert — How to Set Strong Boundaries, Overcome Purpose Anxiety, and Find Your Deep Inner Voice (#770)

“I am good at manifesting what I want, and I’m good at almost dying from getting what I want. So maybe there’s a better question to be asking than ‘What do I want?'”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

Elizabeth Gilbert (@elizabeth_gilbert_writer) is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Big Magic and Eat, Pray, Love as well as several other international bestsellers. She has been a finalist for the National Book Award, the National Book Critics Circle Award, and the PEN/Hemingway Award. Her latest novel, City of Girls, was named an instant New York Times bestseller—a rollicking, sexy tale of the New York City theater world during the 1940s.

Go to ElizabethGilbert.Substack.com to subscribe to “Letters From Love with Elizabeth Gilbert,” her newsletter, which has more than 120,000 subscribers.

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#770: Elizabeth Gilbert — How to Set Strong Boundaries, Overcome Purpose Anxiety, and Find Your Deep Inner Voice

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Want to hear the first time Elizabeth Gilbert was on the podcast? Have a listen here to our conversation in which we discussed the legs of truth, writing as a source of light, an “interesting” way to defuse drama and trauma, what present Elizabeth endures for future Elizabeth, staying true to one’s inner compass before making commitments, and much more.

What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE

Connect with Elizabeth Gilbert:

Website | Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | Newsletter

SHOW NOTES

[00:07:14] No cherished outcomes.
[00:12:27] Self-compassionate ownership of responsibility.
[00:17:24] The daily practice of writing letters from love.
[00:23:54] Two-way prayer vs. one-way prayer.
[00:32:29] The male approach to this practice.
[00:35:59] How do you feel toward yourself vs. about yourself?
[00:38:25] Understanding self-hatred to foster self-friendliness.
[00:44:52] Setting boundaries and dealing with those who refuse to honor them.
[00:51:47] Why (and how) Elizabeth avoids big family holiday gatherings.
[00:53:47] Comfort in solitude.
[00:55:10] Much abuzz about Elizabeth’s new ‘do.
[00:59:24] Boundaries, priorities, and mysticism: a relaxed woman as a radical concept.
[01:05:34] What mysticism brings to Elizabeth’s reality.
[01:08:58] A better question to ask than “What do I want?”
[01:11:04] Elizabeth’s hard-ass approach to project commitment.
[01:18:12] Creativity guidance from Elizabeth’s higher power.
[01:22:40] How The Morning Pages influenced Eat, Pray, Love.
[01:25:59] More productive questions to ask than “Why?”
[01:27:48] The pointlessness of purpose anxiety.
[01:32:31] Balancing presence with other aspects of a well-lived life.
[01:37:49] Comfort with mortality.
[01:41:53] What motivates Elizabeth’s Letters from Love newsletter?
[01:43:01] What can potential readers expect from this newsletter?
[01:48:05] “Is the universe friendly?” — Frederic W. H. Myers
[01:51:01] Parting thoughts.

MORE ELIZABETH GILBERT QUOTES FROM THE INTERVIEW

“I believe that I am loved beyond measure by a magnificent, complex, amused God who has given me power over practically nothing.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“Writing gave me the thing that meditation promised, but I could never have it happen in meditation until very recently where time stops or changes, and I’m here but not here.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“I’m basically a bog witch, just rattling around in a house by myself, talking to myself, watering my plants, shaving my head, and it’s so cool.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“What if I’m not on duty all the time? What if I’m only on duty sometimes and I have to follow a deep inner voice that tells me when that is and what that is, and everything else, you all can take care of yourselves?”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“Martial artists know that the most relaxed person in the room wins the fight.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“I’ve narrowed it down to three things that I need for me, for my system to be relaxed. It’s boundaries, priorities, and mysticism.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“I am good at manifesting what I want, and I’m good at almost dying from getting what I want. So maybe there’s a better question to be asking than ‘What do I want?'”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“I think ‘It’s hard’ is a really good way to start with self-compassion.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“It’s a very difficult thing to have a human incarnation. This is not an easy ride. Even a good life is a hard life.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“Who told you you were supposed to get it right straight out of the gate? Who told you you were supposed to get it right seven out of seven days or that you’re constantly supposed to be improving like a Fortune 500 company, constantly going in this upward angle direction, a certain percentage every quarter? There’s billions of systems operating within your body alone, hormonal systems and chemical systems and viruses and bacteria. We’re such a complex mechanism, it’s so hard to figure out how to operate one of these things. I do really well in solitude, I can get this thing humming. I can get this machine and this mind and this heart where we are at a beautiful hum, but the instant you throw another complex human mechanism into my field, then I’ve got to adapt to their chemistry, and it’s hard.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

“I’m much, much, much more afraid of people not liking me than I am of dying. And that’s what I have to suffer with more, is to try to figure out how to disappoint people and say no to people and set boundaries with people that they can survive it and I can survive. This is my work in this lifetime. But death, to me, it doesn’t keep me up at night.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

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Julia Gomes

1 month ago

Hey Tim!

This is my favorite quote:

“I’m much, much, much more afraid of people not liking me than I am of dying. And that’s what I have to suffer with more, is to try to figure out how to disappoint people, and say no to people, and set boundaries with people that they can survive it, and I can survive. This is my work in this lifetime. But death, to me, it doesn’t keep me up at night.”

Last year, I dig deep into the theme of perfectionism and why it’s a problem instead of a solution. This quote hits home, our need for validation and acceptance leads to self-sabotaging and prevents us from achieving next level success in an area or more of life.

Recently, I started reading the book Programmed to Fail by Brandon Epstein. He shares his life experience and journey of going from $80,000 in debt, 50lbs overweight and hypertension, to building a 7-figure business, and reaching his fittest form with mental training. He explains how each one of us was born to succeed, but programmed to fail with traumas and self-limiting beliefs.

To this date, he’s been a Mental Performance Coach for pro athletes and high performers like Shane Bieber, Shane Mosley, Sean Brady, and Gary Vaynerchuk’s executives.

He also shares so much about self-discovery through psychedelic experiences, which I resonated with a lot and I’m sure you would too.

His mental training approach really made me think how much more we could progress if we just stopped letting other people overstep our boundaries, which Elizabeth tries to convey in this quote.

Anyways, it’d be amazing if you did an episode with Brandon.

I’m a huge fan of the show, been listening to it for years.

Cheers,
Julia

Katie Van

Hi Tim!
I’ve been a listener since 2014 and as a result have a lot of favorite episodes, but this one – chef’s kiss. This was absolutely magical and perfect. What a delight to hear you set the table/ask interesting questions that encouraged Elizabeth to meet us all with otherworldly vulnerability and wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m about to listen a second time, this time w my partner. Thank you thank you.

MGB

26 days ago

Reply to Katie Van

I agree! A brilliant conversation!

Annie Wyn

Hi Tim!
This is a special watch and listen, thank you.
My favourite tidbit is to ask “what can I do today”. I used to ask “what can I learn today”. That provides a distinct and important difference.
I parked connection a little while back for now to focus on the bread and butter physical, but this is a window for imagining “yup, that’s a better approach” going forwards. I appreciate that wisdom.

PS. On a fun note, a big part of me stepping back from ‘spirituality’/connection was, thankfully enough, from hearing you discuss your desire to meet and be with someone and start a family. And, well, it made me address the fact that I want those and similar things for myself too and that the solitude and boundaried life I’d created was actually too alternate from what I truly want now for me. So I got to it/me and after a quite almighty freak out, I’m feeling a lot more self-connected, happy, self-appreciative and I’ve been on a good date (finally)! There’s hope! 🙂

So, very many thanks for many things,

Wishing you very well & love too!
A

Shoni

Am I the Toxic Friend?

The part of this that I keep thinking about is the section on Elizabeth blocking people out of her life who cause dysregulation. It occurred to me that I’ve never done that. Quite the opposite, if I don’t naturally like someone, I’ll try to build empathy until I do.

However, I can list quite a few people who have either slowly or suddenly dropped me from their lives. So that’s leading to a bit of introspection. Quite uncomfortable, I must admit, but I guess that’s how we grow.

What a FANTASTIC conversation Tim & Liz! So much to reflect on!

SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE

SHOW NOTES

MORE ELIZABETH GILBERT QUOTES FROM THE INTERVIEW

PEOPLE MENTIONED

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