Humourous Quote Quotes

“A saint has control over his anger and itches.”
― Merlin Franco, Saint Richard Parker

“The decker these ***holes brought with them is top tier, but I'm going to stomp his jelly beans so hard his kids will be born crooked.”
― Amie Kaufman, Gemina

“Well, your princess isn't in another tower. She's dead.”
― F.T. Lukens, So This Is Ever After

“I’ll take a boozy brunch with my bestie and a dirty book in bed by eight for a thousand, Alex.”
― Elsie Silver, Heartless

“Life is too short to say no to paper flowers”
― Chantal Larocque, Bold & Beautiful Paper Flowers: More Than 50 Easy Paper Blooms and Gorgeous Arrangements You Can Make at Home

“I'm kind of like a psycho-to-go”
― Jean Koning

“Sir,' I said to the universe, 'I exist.'

'That,' said the universe, 'creates no sense of obligation in me whatsoever.”
― Douglas Adams

“And yours is to throw yourself into the mouth of the lion and hope it doesn't like your savor”
― Holly Black, The Stolen Heir

“Marvin stood there.

‘Out of my way little robot,’ growled the tank.

‘I’m afraid,’ said Marvin, ‘that I’ve been left here to stop you.’

The probe extended again for a quick recheck. It withdrew again.

‘You? Stop me?’ roared the tank, ‘Go on!’

‘No, really I have,’ said Marvin simply.

‘What are you armed with?’ roared the tank in disbelief.

‘Guess,’ said Marvin.

The tank’s engines rumbled, its gears ground. Molecule-sized electronic relays deep in its micro-brain flipped backwards and forwards in consternation.

‘Guess?’ said the tank.

‘Yes, go on,’ said Marvin to the huge battle machine, ‘you’ll never guess.’

‘Errrmmm …’ said the machine, vibrating with unaccustomed thought, ‘laser beams?’

Marvin shook his head solemnly.

‘No,’ muttered the machine in its deep gutteral rumble, ‘Too obvious. Anti-matter ray?’ it hazarded.

‘Far too obvious,’ admonished Marvin.

‘Yes,’ grumbled the machine, somewhat abashed, ‘Er … how about an electron ram?’

This was new to Marvin.

‘What’s that?’ he said.

‘One of these,’ said the machine with enthusiasm.

From its turret emerged a sharp prong which spat a single lethal blaze of light. Behind Marvin a wall roared and collapsed as a heap of dust. The dust billowed briefly, then settled.

‘No,’ said Marvin, ‘not one of those.’

‘Good though, isn’t it?’

‘Very good,’ agreed Marvin.

‘I know,’ said the Frogstar battle machine, after another moment’s consideration, ‘you must have one of those new Xanthic Re-Structron Destabilized Zenon Emitters!’

'Nice, aren’t they?’ agreed Marvin.

‘That’s what you’ve got?’ said the machine in condiderable awe.

‘No,’ said Marvin.

‘Oh,’ said the machine, disappointed, ‘then it must be …’

‘You’re thinking along the wrong lines,’ said Marvin, ‘You’re failing to take into account something fairly basic in the relationship between men and robots.’

‘Er, I know,’ said the battle machine, 'is it … ’ it tailed off into thought again.

‘Just think,’ urged Marvin, ‘they left me, an ordinary, menial robot, to stop you, a gigantic heavy-duty battle machine, whilst they ran off to save themselves. What do you think they would leave me with?’

‘Oooh er,’ muttered the machine in alarm, ‘something pretty damn devastating I should expect.’

‘Expect!’ said Marvin. ‘Oh yes, expect. I’ll tell you what they gave me to protect myself with shall I?’

‘Yes, alright,’ said the battle machine, bracing itself.

‘Nothing,’ said Marvin.

There was a dangerous pause.

'Nothing?’ roared the battle machine.

‘Nothing at all,’ intoned Marvin dismally, ‘not an electronic sausage.’

The machine heaved about with fury.

‘Well doesn’t that just take the biscuit!’ it roared, ‘Nothing, eh?’ Just don’t think, do they?’

‘And me,’ said Marvin in a soft low voice, ‘with this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.’

‘Makes you spit, doesn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ agreed Marvin with feeling.

‘Hell that makes me angry,’ bellowed the machine, ‘think I’ll smash that wall down!’

The electron ram stabbed out another searing blaze of light and took out the wall next to the machine.

‘How do you think I feel?’ said Marvin bitterly.

‘Just ran off and left you did they?’ the Machine thundered.

‘Yes,’ said Marvin.

‘I think I’ll shoot down their bloody ceiling as well!’ raged the tank.

It took out the ceiling of the bridge.

‘That’s very impressive,’ murmured Marvin.

‘You ain’t seen nothing yet,’ promised the machine, ‘I can take out this floor too, no trouble!’

It took out the floor too.

‘Hells bells!’ the machine roared as it plummeted fifteen storeys and smashed itself to bits on the ground below.

‘What a depressingly stupid machine,’ said Marvin and trudged away.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Rose jabbed her cigarette at Enid and said, "I served my time in LaLaLand and if any of those bastards tell you to talk into the mike and they pull out the yogurt cannon - just remember - you're a lady! Pull up your knickers, steal their wallet, and get the hell out of there!”
― C. Mack Lewis, Black Market Angels

“I never wear knickers on a Sunday.”
― Heather Babcock, Filthy Sugar

“Apparently in relationships when arguing with women one ought to take notes in order to revisit the minutes of the previous argument in future disputes.”
― Carl Samkubam, Whispers From Beyond;A Legacy Honoured.

“When you're dead, everybody else is just going to carry on regardless, so keep that in mind when you're giving way to traffic.”
― Daily Florence, Grace - A Funny Book For Women

“Marriage is called an ‘institution’ because you must be somewhat mental to get into it. You first seek asylum but end up living in one. You don’t believe me? Well, in Spanish ‘Esposas’ means wives as well as handcuffs. But hey, that’s nothing but a linguistic coincidence.”
― Omar Cherif

“Can we stop talking about my pants, please?”
― Ian Slatter, Danny Mann Super Fan

“Rain: Dinner? There is a brief pause before his response.
Damen: The third meal of the day? Typically eaten in the evening. Something most people participate in.”
― Jackie Mojica, When the Lights Go Out

“People only ever doubt certainties, otherwise, where’s the sport?”
― A.J.West, The Spirit Engineer

“The reason I lose my love, it's my anger.”
― Masayal

“Next to the Sahara, Twitter is the driest place on earth.”
― Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

“As we age; the once once smallest anthills have become Mt. Everest.”
― Raymond C. Nolan

“Prunella had also learned, and then forgotten, that, as well as being ingenious, fish were incredibly progressive. Take, for example, the male seahorse, which shouldered the responsibility for giving birth. However, if that wasn’t impressive enough, some fish didn’t just believe in gender equality, they took it a step further and believed in male inequality. Take, for example, the anglerfish. The young, male anglerfish, which was significantly smaller than its female counterpart, would swim around the ocean until it came across a girl anglerfish, which it would latch onto with its very sharp teeth. Over time, the male would physically fuse with the female, connecting to her skin and her bloodstream, and dispensing of its eyes and internal organs in the process. The only thing the male anglerfish did hold onto was its testes.
Prunella reasoned there were some things that boys would simply never give up.”
― Henry Adams

“Prunella had also learned, and then forgotten, that, as well as being ingenious, fish were incredibly progressive. Take, for example, the male seahorse, which shouldered the responsibility for giving birth. However, if that wasn’t impressive enough, some fish didn’t just believe in gender equality, they took it a step further and believed in male inequality. Take, for example, the anglerfish. The young, male anglerfish, which was significantly smaller than its female counterpart, would swim around the ocean until it came across a girl anglerfish, which it would latch onto with its very sharp teeth. Over time, the male would physically fuse with the female, connecting to her skin and her bloodstream, and dispensing of its eyes and internal organs in the process. The only thing the male anglerfish did hold onto was its testes.
Prunella reasoned there were some things boys would simply never give up.”
― Henry Adams, Titus the Germ's Journey through Purgatory

“When the grim reaper comes calling; run like hell.”
― Louie Dylan, Death on the Dig: Inspector Jack Maguire

“Tuttavia oggi ho altro a cui pensare e la preoccupazione mi rende piuttosto apatico. Mi fosse toccato in sorte il narcisismo avrei vissuto benissimo, invece pare che debba provare pena per gli altri, anche se non mi piacciono. Mai una gioia.”
― Giulia Reverberi, Zombie Friendly: Ci si vede all'inferno

“I was very responsible, and very mature.
Travis says otherwise, but he’s not important right now.
We’re focused on me.”
― Finn Eccleston, The Community

“I was very responsible, and very mature. Travis says otherwise, but he’s not important right now.
We’re focused on me.”
― Finn Eccleston, The Community

“Seriously man, shut it.”
“Alright, alright. You’re the driver,” He raised his chip bag in toast, “My life is in your hands.”
― Finn Eccleston, The Community

“...'there is no bogeyman,' Craig said confidently. 'Mummy said.'
Ted reconsidered. Surely something must scare him? Ok, if you don't go to sleep, Mick Hucknall will come and get you.'
'What's that?'
'I'll show you.' Ted nipped downstairs, grabbed the CD and ran back up. ...”
― Marian Keyes, Sushi for Beginners

“My eye bags have eye bags, because my stress is stressed.”
― A.L. Russell, Maybe Probably: Perfectly Imperfect Series Book One

“Breaking free from dead people’s opinions means recognizing our tendency to repeat patterns. Are we maintaining stereotypes or allowing freedom to live our best lives?"​​.”
― Runa Magnusdottir, The Story of Boxes, the Good, the Bad and the Ugly: The Secret to Human Liberation, Peace and Happiness