Humorist Quotes

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
― Sid Ziff

“You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!
To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.”
― Soman Chainani, The School for Good and Evil

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”
― Dave Barry

“Whenever I'm with my mother, I feel as though I have to spend the whole time avoiding land mines.”
― Amy Tan, The Hundred Secret Senses

“The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.”
― John Updike, Rabbit, Run

“Today I feel like I did tomorrow.”
― Carroll Bryant

“I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.”
― Jean Shepherd

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”
― James Denton

“If you're too serious to make life a laughing matter, then you seriously need to make laughter matter to you today and every day!”
― Jeannine M. Luby

“ডিমগুলো সব লম্বা মতন
কুমড়োগুলো বাঁকা
কচুর গায়ে রঙ-বেরঙের
আল্পনা সব আঁকা”
― Sukumar Ray, Imusti Aabol Tabol

“In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it).”
― Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad, Or, the New Pilgrims' Progress

“Calvin, yelling: Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress?

Calvin's Mom: No, Calvin.

Calvin: Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?

Calvin's Mom: No, Calvin.

Calvin: Then can I have a cookie?

Calvin's Mom: No, Calvin.

Calvin: She's on to me.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“Calvin's Mom confronts him as he stands at the open front door, going to school:

Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again?

Calvin: Sure.

Calvin's Mom: Don't the kids make fun of you?

Calvin: Tommy Chestnutt did once, and now nobody does.

Calvin's Mom: Why? What happened to Tommy Chestnutt ?

Calvin: Hobbes ate him!

Hobbes [The stuffed tiger]: Ugh!
He needed a bath, too.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?”
― Carroll Bryant

“[Calvin's Mom is driving him somewhere.]

CALVIN: Mom, can I drive on the way back?

CALVIN'S MOM: Of course not, Calvin.

CALVIN: Can I just steer then? I promise I won't crash.

CALVIN'S MOM: No, Calvin.

CALVIN: Can I work the gas and brakes while YOU steer?

CALVIN'S MOM: No, Calvin.

CALVIN: You never let me do anything.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“Sahl was never a great comic. His nervous, jabbing, keep-them-off-balance delivery was the strategy of a man who was not comfortable in front of an audience. His creative method -- a rapid scanning of the day's output of newspapers, magazines, and radio broadcasts -- was a recipe for superficiality or, at best, the kind of quick, shallow laugh triggered by a topical allusion. Sahl was always devoid of the two basic ingredients of great humor: imagination and soul. He could make fun of the latest Hollywood movies. He could stab at the pieties of his own class. He could take an abrupt insight into politics or wold events and phrase it neatly into a gag. What he could never do was suggest a world of living, breathing people behaving in ridiculous yet recognizably human patterns.”
― Albert Goldman, Ladies and Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce!!

“More women would be feminists but we spotted the haircuts before we joined”
― Daily Florence

“[At first, Calvin's at school, in his classroom.]

CALVIN'S TEACHER:
"We'll see what the principal has to say about your attention span, young man."

A THOUGHT BUBBLE FANTASY FROM CALVIN's MIND (With visuals to match.)
"The valiant Spaceman Spiff has been captured."

A THOUGHT BUBBLE FANTASY FROM CALVIN's MIND (With visuals to match, coming from a space alien.)
"The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the Atomic Napalm Neutralizer!"

ANOTHER THOUGHT BUBBLE FANTASY FROM CALVIN's MIND
"Moments from the torture chamber,
Spiff springs into ACTION."

CALVIN, HIS TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL. (The school principal is looking at Calvin, who seems intent on something...)
THE PRINCIPAL:
"Why is he eating his hall pass?”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“[Uh-oh, it's bath time for Calvin.]

MOM, who sits in the living room, has turned toward the door. Very likely she is screaming the following words at the top of her lungs:

CALVIN! Quiet down
and quit that splashing!
I don't want to have to
clean the whole bathroom!

CALVIN:
Ha! I pulled the plug!
Down the drain with you!
DIE, FIEND!
DIE, DIE!!

MOM [By now she's sitting in a normal position on her armchair, trying to read a book, when she has apparently just heard an unexpected noise]:

Don't tell me he's letting
the water out already.

CALVIN, now standing right in back of his mother. He's naked, scowling full force, and dripping:

Believe it, lady.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“....Slow is smooth, Smooth is fast”
― Michael J. Lafferty, Storm Surge

“A comedian is better than a politician; at least there is no doubt.”
― Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom

“All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.”
― Carl White

“I hate “fun runs” because, seriously, fuck you.”
― Allison Robicelli

“Kako ljudi pretrpavaju svoj bijedni brodić do vrha jarbola skupocjenom odjećom i velikim kućama, nepotrebnom poslugom i gomilom nazoviprijatelja, kojima nimalo nije stalo do njih a za koje ni sami ne mare naročito, skupim zabavama u kojima nitko ne uživa, konvencionalnostima i modom, pretvaranjem i nadutošću i - oh, najtežim, najglupljim od svih tereta! - strahom što će o njima misliti susjedi, luksuzom koji samo zasićuje, uživanjima koja samo izazivaju dosadu, praznim šepurenjem koje, kao željezna kruna kojom su nekad krunili zločince, oblijeva krvlju i prožima bolom izmučenu glavu koja je nosi! Sve je to nepotreban teret, čovječe, nepotreban teret! Baci ga preko ruba čamca u vodu! Od njega čamac postaje tako težak da ga jedva vučeš, padaš u nesvijest veslajući. Postaje nezgrapan, opasan i težak za upravljanje tako da ni na trenutak nisi slobodan od strepnje i brige, nikad se ne možeš opustiti i ljenčareći sanjariti... Nikad nemaš vremena da promatraš kako lepršave sjenke lako prelijeću preko plićina, kako se svjetlucave sunčane zrake ljeskaju na naborima vode, kako velika stabla kraj obale zure u svoju sliku... Ne vidiš zlatnozelene šume, bijele i žute vodene ljiljane, trsku koja ti sjetno maše, kaćune ili plave spomenke. Baci taj teret u vodu, čovječe! Neka čamac tvog života bude lagan, ukrcaj samo ono što ti je zaista potrebno - skroman dom i jednostavna zadovoljstva, jednog ili dvojicu prijatelja koji to zaista jesu, nekog koga voliš i tko tebe voli, jednu mačku, jednog psa, jednu ili dvije lule, dovoljno hrane i dovoljno odjeće, i malo više nego dovoljno pića, jer žeđ je opasna stvar. Vidjet ćeš, tada, da je takvim čamcem lakše upravljati i da se neće tako lako prevrnuti, a ako se i prevrne, šteta neće biti tako velika; jednostavna solidna roba podnosi vodu. Imat ćeš vremena za razmišljanje i za rad. Imat ćeš vremena da upiješ sunčanu svjetlost života, da slušaš eolsku glazbu koju Božji vjetar izvlači iz struna ljudskih srca oko nas”
― Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat

“Maybe some people enter in your life to create wonderful memories before they leave. Its hard to come to terms with that whether they walk away alive or dead.The only thing we can do is keeping that person in your memory as long as you can. That person does not need to please you like a girlfriend or a boy-friend
but they can make you happy.That person does not need to cherish you like parents, but they can give you warmth & they are always ready to protect you.That person does not need to make us laugh at all times like friends, but they can make you smile.That some one who you won't go into hysterics when they leave, but they will always be in your memory forever. JUVENALIUS”
― JUVENALIUS

“Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he’s a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.”
― Laurie Foxx

“Some days I can fix things others can't. I can find ways to say we can when others say it can't be done. It makes me wonder why God didn't give us all super powers. Then I realize we would mostly be super villains and not super heroes, me included. -”
― A. Quintin Smith

“Only one thing is impossible for God: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.”
― Mark Twain's Notebook, 1902-1903