'Allo 'Allo!

'Allo 'Allo! (1982–1992) is a British television series produced by the BBC. The show's premise was not to make fun of the war but to spoof war-based film and TV dramas.

Series 1

Pilot: The British Are Coming

[René is trying to work out who is working for the Resistance]

René: Are you one of them?

Lt. Gruber: It was very lonely on the Russian front.

LeClerc: Is he one of us?

René: No, he is one of them!

Gruber: Please, do not tell everybody!

[The British airmen are cycling along the left side of a road on the way to Nouvion dressed as onion sellers]

Carstairs: Pretty place France, don’t you think so, Fairfax? Napoleon planted all these trees, you know?

Fairfax: Wonder when he had time to fight any battles?

Carstairs: He didn’t do it personally, fathead. He had them planted to keep the sun off his troops while they were marching up and down... Do you notice that when ever we pass these peasant people they seem to stare at us in a rather odd way?

Fairfax: Maybe, because you’re driving a girl's bicycle.

Carstairs: Perhaps we’re doing something wrong. [A car drives by and almost crushes into them]

Carstairs: Fairfax, I think I’ve cracked it. We’re riding on the wrong side of the road!

[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are admiring their newly stolen treasures]

Geering: It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel.

Colonel: Hans, you ignorant peasant, this is probably the first cuckoo-clock ever made. Absolutely priceless. Und this, this is the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp, which will be worth a fortune after the war.

Geering: Is it wise to have it in your office?

Colonel: Who can see it apart from Helga?

Geering: Come to think of it, it looks a little like Helga.

Colonel: You too?

Series 2

Six Big Boobies

[Herr Flick has mixed up the original Fallen Madonna with two forgeries and needs Helga's help to identify the real one]

Herr Flick: I have three fallen Madonnas, with six big boobies. Only one of them is real.

Helga: Only one big booby?

Flick. One painting is the original, the other two are forgeries.

The Policeman Cometh

[Officer Crabtree has just arrived by parachute dressed as a policeman]

Officer Crabtree: I am disgeesed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom.

[Herr Flick and Helga are in Herr Flick's secret headquarters]

Helga: You're looking pensive Herr Flick.

Herr Flick: I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight. I might take you to the movies.

Helga: What is showing?

Herr Flick: Anything we want. Or we could stay here and amuse ourselves. I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. (Helga looks a little nervous) Ah, here they are.

Helga: What have you in mind Herr Flick?

Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone, and many records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.

Helga: (surprised) Hitler's speeches, quite amusing?

Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.

[René is on the telephone to the communist resistance to ask them to blow up a train]

René: How much?! Now look here. It is just one little train. Well surely you could do it for a bit less than that. Is that your rock-bottom price? Well hang on a minute. [Puts down telephone, opens the till. Checks cash, and goes back to the telephone]. No, no, I cannot go to that [pause]. Well how would it be if we supplied the explosives? [panics slightly] No, no I do not want to leave my name, no, it is just an enquiry!

[Helga is standing in a corner of Herr Flicks headquarters]

Herr Flick: Let that be a lesson to you. Never again will you burn my toast.

Swiftly and with Style

[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are about to desert from the German army because they failed to destroy a munitions train]

Officer Crabtree: I have good nose.

René: Yes, yes, you are very handsome...

Officer Crabtree: The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.

René: Bummed by the RAF?!

Col. Von Strohm / Captain Geering: Bummed by the RAF⁉

Lt. Gruber: What have the naughty RAF been up to now?

René: They bombed an munition train.

Captain Geering: Did they destroy it?

Officer Crabtree: There were little pisses all over the track.

Herr Flick's Revenge

[Herr Flick is playing the organ whilst Helga crushes the Captain, the Colonel and René]

Herr Flick: Look! No hands!

Christmas Special: The Gateau from the Chateau

[Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are planning to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen]

Colonel: Hans, have you got the weedkiller?

Geering: Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... [impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front.

Colonel: Are you sure it'll work?

Geering: Yes. I told him it was for you.

[Captain Geering is putting the plan to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen into action]

Geering: The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?

René:I have the pill in the till.

Geering: Wheere is the vine for the General?

René: It is here in this jug.

Geering: The pill contains a drug.

René: The pill in the till?

Geering: Take it and put it in there.

René: Put the drug in the jug?

Gruber: (Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.

René: (panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!

Geering: What about the Gateau from the Chateau?

René: It contains a bomb!!!

Geering: A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???

René: It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.

Geering: But where is the fuse?

René: It is the candle with the handle.

Geering: You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!

René: Simple plots are always the best.

Series 3

Gruber Does Some Mincing

[A tailor prepares an outfit for Helga that Herr Flick will find appropriate for the Gestapo Ball]

Herr Flick: We can't have you going to the Gestapo Ball looking any old how.

[Herr Flick sings the "Traditional Gestapo Dance" set to the tune of "The Hokey Cokey"]

Herr Flick: You put your left boot in, you put your left boot out! You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fist about. You light a little smokey and you burn down the town, that's what it's all about! [While executing a lopsided turn] heil! Ahhh, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler! [While moving hands up and down]

The Sausage in the Wardrobe

[Madame Fanny has been spending forged money in the hat shop]

Crabtree: Good Moaning, I have come to arost your mither.

Yvette: Arrest her mother? Why, what has she done?

Crabtree: She has been pissing fudged bank notes in the hit shop.

Edith: What does Crabtree say, Yvette?

Yvette: I think he means "she has been passing forged bank notes in the hat shop.

Crabtree: Presoasly

René (Dressed like Fanny, doing a poor impression of her): Edith, remind him he is supposed to be on our side.

Crabtree: Who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mother?

Fanny: I have been asking the same question.

René (takes off his wig): It is I, Rene.

Crabtree: My Gid that was a god disgeese, I was complotely decieved by the wog.

René: Edith, give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off.

Crabtree: There is no need to be rode.

The Flight of Fancy

[Herr Flick's car is flattened by a steam roller driven by Captain Geering]

Herr Flick: Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car?

Colonel Von Strohm: It was Captain Geering, Herr Flick.

Captain Geering: [Nervously] Heil Hilter.

Herr Flick: This is very serious... The Gestapo is only insured third party.

Pretty Maids All in a Row

[Edith has 'shot' the two airmen with Captain Geering's gun, then handed the gun back to him]

Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty.

Series 4

Good Staff Are Hard to Find

[Captain Bertorelli has been taken upstairs by Mimi to look at some paintings. Mimi actually intends to kill him]

Captain Bertorelli: Sigorine!

[He staggers down the stairs after Mimi roughed him up "showing him the paintings", he finially collapses on the floor gibbering, trying to say something to Lt. Gruber]

Captain Bertorelli: Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at the girls.

René: Don't worry, he won't.

The Sausage in the Trousers

[Officer Crabtree enters the cafe walking very gingerly]

Officer Crabtree: I am wicking this woo because my poloceman's troosers are full of deenamote.

The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law

[Edith discovers René and Yvette embracing in the larder]

Edith: René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl?

René: You stupid woman? Can you not see she's suffering from claustrophobia? She accidentally locked herself in the larder.

Edith: But there is no key!

René: Exactly, that's why she couldn't get out.

Edith: Oh, the poor child. Oh, it happened to me once. I screamed and screamed, but nobody came.

René: We thought you were singing.

Series 5

No Hiding Place

[René has just survived an attempt on his life by the Communist Resistance, in retaliation for the events of the previous episode]

Edith: He is dead!

René: I am not dead, you silly cow!

[René goes to the Gendarmerie (police station) as he continues to look for somewhere safe to hide from Denise Laroque. Watch this on YouTube]

René: Service! Is this a police station or a mortuary? (He rings the bell on the counter)

Crabtree: Would you please stop bonging the bill, or I shall lick you up for disturbing the puss.

René: Office Crabtree, it is I, René Artois (He removes his false beard). Will you lock me up, please?

Crabtree: Are you confessing to some cream?

René: Yes. Cream galore!

Crabtree: In that curse, you must fill in a foam. Here is a list of creams. I will tick what you have din. Meerder?

René: No.

Crabtree: Minslaughter?

René: No.

Crabtree: Roop?

René: No.

Crabtree: Biglary?

René: No.

Crabtree: Biglary with minaces?

René: No.

Crabtree: Handbog snitching?

René: No.

Crabtree: Arsin?

René: What is "arsin"?

Crabtree: Setting fire to places.

René: Ah! My life is in danger, so I will confess to all of these things, as long as you lock me up.

Crabtree: I see. Unfortunately, all the sills are filled to caposity. Could you come back next woke?

René: Oh my God! Why do I pay rates?

[René has been captured by the Communist Resistance and brought to Denise Laroque. She forgives him]

Denise: Now, hold me. Kiss me. Crush your lips with my lips, and tell me you will never leave me again.

René: (Mumbled, as she kisses him) I will never leave you again.

The Reluctant Millionaires

Officer Crabtree: There was a wetness at the bonk.

A Duck for Launch

Herr flick: What part of France do you come from?

Officer Crabtree: I am half Itolioen.

Herr Flick: Itolioen?

Officer Crabtree: Itolioen.

von Smallhousen: I think he means Italian.

Officer Crabtree: I was brought up in Nipples.

Herr Flick: Nipples?

Officer Crabtree: Yes. You know the old suing: See Nipples, and do.

Puddings Can Go Off

General Von Klinkerhoffen: It has come to the ears of the Fuhrer that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages.

Lt. Gruber: Has he eaten the carpet?

General Von Klinkerhoffen: No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry.

Colonel Von Strohm: Do you think he has a screw loose?

General Von Klinkerhoffen: In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there.

[Edith asks René for smelling salts but he tells her they have run out]

Edith:I must put up my nose more mothballs!

Series 6

Rising to the Occasion

[General Von Klinkerhoffen has just been told by Lieutenant Gruber and General Von Flockenstaffen than the Colonel, Herr Flick and Herr Von Smallhausen are being held to ransom by the Resistance, and has decided they can be sacrificed]

Von Flockenstuffen: Piggy old boy, when was the last time you had a holiday?

Von Klinkerhoffen: Badenbaden '38. You were both there. We went to a fancy dress ball at the baths. I went as Atilla the Hun.

Von Flockenstuffen: [On the phone] Get me the military hospital. Fruitcake department.

Series 7

A Quiet Honeymoon

[Helga arrives at Herr Flick's headquarters]

Herr Flick: My spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband have been jailed for flying an unlicensed bed in military airspace.

[Herr Flick wants to interrogate Madame Fanny, who is in jail, by getting Von Smallhausen arrested too]

Helga: What crime will this very common-looking criminal commit Herr Flick?

Herr Flick: It is not yet decided.

Helga: Could he not climb into the Colonel's office and steal the petty cash?

Herr Flick: That is a good idea Helga. My dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you. As a reward you may kiss me.

[Colonel Von Strohm is in a bad mood with Von Flockenstuffen and takes it out on Captain Bertorelli]

Colonel Von Strohm: Get out, and whilst you're out why don't you kill a chicken and get your hat restuffed.

Captain Bertorelli: Good idea. I go and chase a bird or two. (Pinches Helga's bottom on the way out.)

[General Von Klinkerhoffen is in hospital in a straitjacket. He is talking into the telephone which is next to the fruit bowl when General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber visit]

General Von Klinkerhoffen: Hello Operator. Get me Berlin at once.

Operator: I'll give you a line and you can dial the number yourself.

Von Klinkerhoffen: You incompetent idiot. Come back.

[General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber enter the room]

Von Flockenstuffen: Yes. I hope the General will be well enough to come out for a period of convalescence.

Von Klinkerhoffen: What is your name, rank and number? Talk to me. If you will not reply I will have you court martialed.

Gruber: [Aside to Von Flockenstuffen] He's talking to the fruit.

Von Flockenstuffen: On second thoughts, I think we'll keep him in for the time being.

[Edith implores René to help Madame Fanny to escape from jail]

Edith: Mama is not well. How will she endure the hardships of prison life? The isolation, the damp, the lack of gin?

René: She is only the local nick. She has not been sent to Devil's Island... Yet, anyway.

Series 9

A Winkle in Time

Edith: "René! What are you doing with that serving girl?"

René: "You stupid woman! Can you not see ... I am eloping!"

Unknown episodes

[Michelle appears and wants to make sure she and René are alone]

Michelle: Is the coast clear?

René: We are fifty miles from the coast! How would I know?

Lt. Gruber: You were always a Twitcher.

René: I'm still Twitching.

Helga: Herr Flick, where are you?

Herr Flick: I am behind this screen with von Smallhausen.

Helga: May I inquire to what you are up?

Herr Flick: We have taken off our clothes in accordance with the Fuhrer's instructions.

Helga: What exactly did the Fuhrer ask you to do?

[To Yvette]

René: When we are too old to make love, we will make wonderful soup.

Madame Fanny: Even in heaven, they know about my bad legs.

Madame Fanny: An old woman lies here growing weak from lack of nourishment!

Monsieur Alfonse: Pardon, mademoiselle. I keep forgetting that we Frenchmen have a tradition...of having it off like rabbits.

(Disguised as a priest during the wedding of René to Denise Laroque)

Officer Crabtree: Dearly belivid. We are gathered here todoo to join this min and this women in haley weedlock.

Officer Crabtree: We will goo oot the bock wee.

Officer Crabtree: This is rosky in day light. Can you not wait until it is dick?

Officer Crabtree: A bum.

Officer Crabtree: Then they will be taken to the arbour where a small boot will be waiting by the dis-used dick.

Officer Crabtree: A pissy up a tree?

Officer Crabtree: Do not wirry, Ronnie...

[On answering the telephone]

Herr Flick: Flick, the Gestapo... No, I said FLICK, the Gestapo.

[After blowing up the Gestapo staff car]

Herr Flick: I will not be informing Berlin of this incident. I do not wish to look a right nana.

[To Helga, who is trying to break an eggshell]

Herr Flick: Hit it hard with your spoon. They always break in the end.

[Helga has given Herr Flick a passionate kiss]

Herr Flick: Six out of Ten.

[On the telephone to Himmler]

Herr Flick: But uncle, you cannot expect me to shoot everyone in the town. I'm unpopular enough as it is!

Captain Bertorelli: Hey! Where's all the beautiful girls?

Common phrases

René Artois

(To Edith) You stupid woman!
(To Madame Fanny) Shut up, you (silly) old bat.
You may wonder what I am doing....
Oh Yvette!

Edith Artois

René! What are you doing with that woman?
René! What are you doing, holding that poor servant-girl in your arms?

Yvette Carte-Blanche

Ooooh, Rrrrenéééé!

Madame Fanny La Fan

Edith! Yvette! Maria/Mimi! Oh! Does nobody hear the cries of an poor old woman!?
Ze flashing knobs, ze flashing knobs!! (in later seasons, Leclerc often comes out from the bedclothes)
Not the onion soup!