Radio Yerevan joke: Difference between revisions

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Radio Yerevan, or Armenian Radio jokes were very popular in the Soviet Union and in other Communist countries of the ex-Eastern bloc since the second half of the 20th century.

These jokes of Q&A type are allegedly from the Question & Answer series of the Armenian Radio. A typical format of a joke was:

The Armenian Radio was asked: "<...>"

The Armenian Radio answers: "<...>".

Once established, this "headline" became a standard format of many Q&A jokes, and it is often difficult to recognize what was the original format of the joke. A further problem, or asset, with these jokes is that as many were passed from ear to mouth, they changed accordingly over time. We have therefore tried our best to include in the following list all the existing variations of similar jokes.

Outside the Soviet Union, mostly political jokes of the kind were known. Within the Soviet Union, the range of jokes covered all standard matters subject to humorous interpretation: mother-in-law, sex, national stereotypes, etc.

A large series of jokes of this kind goes along the following line. A listener asks a question, e.g., about the difference between communism and capitalism. The answer is usually in the lines of "in principle, yes", but the details of the response contradict the affirmative answer.

• This is Radio Yerevan. One of our listeners asked: "Does one get 10 years of prison for saying that Brezhnev is an idiot?"

We're answering: "In principle yes, because that's a state secret."

• Q: Is it true that half of the Central Committee of the Communist Party are idiots?

A: It is not true. Half of them are not idiots.

• Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.

A: In principle yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

• Q: Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?

A: We don't answer questions related to agriculture.

• Q: Why did they establish a Ministry of Navy in landlocked Armenia. Do you have a sea?

A: To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture.

• Q: Were the people equal in USSR?

A: Yes, but some people were more equal than the others (a reference to George Orwell's Animal Farm)

• Q: What was permanent in the USSR?

A: Temporary difficulties.

• Q: What methods do our enemies use in their subversive work against the socialist state?

A: Such questions we discuss in our program "Useful Advice."

• Q: What is permitted and what is prohibited?

A: In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited. In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited. In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted. In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited. In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.

• Q: What is a one word joke?

A: Communism.

• Q: What is the longest joke?

A: The speech made by Khrushchev at the Party congress.

• Q: Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?

A: Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.

• Q: Why have Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents been exiled from the country?

A: Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?

• Q: When will the economic situation become better?

A: Better? It was better already.

• Q: What has changed in our justice system since the death of Stalin?

A: It has become prohibited to shoot down the defendant before the announcement of the verdict.

• Q: Can bedbugs make a revolution?

A: In principle, yes, for in their veins flows the blood of peasants and workers.

• Q: Can you sit with a naked ass on a hedgehog?

A: In principle, yes - if the Communist party calls for it, if the ass belongs to somebody else or if the hedgehog is properly shaved.

• Q: Is it true that Russian U-boats hold the record for extended submersion?

A: In principle, yes. Two of them have been on the bottom since 1957.

• Q: How come Canada and the U.S. can sell us so much wheat?

A: The fault lies with the catastrophic capitalist overproduction.

• Q: What is the difference between socialism and capitalism?

A: Capitalism makes social mistakes, while socialism makes capital mistakes.

• Q: Can we pride ourselves with an exceptional achievement in Soviet agriculture?

A: In principle yes, we plant the crops and afterwards we receive the harvest from Canada.

• Q: Is it possible to wrap an elephant in a newspaper?

A: Yes, if the issue contains the theoretical considerations of Leonid Brezhnev.

• Q: Is it true Comrade Mikulin got 20 years in Siberia from libel on calling Leonid Brezhnev an idiot?

A: No. The sentence from libel was six months. The 19 years 6 months were from leaking out a national secret.

• Q: Is it true Mikulin was freed soon after that?

A: Yes. After Premier Brezhnev's speech in United Nations his condition ceased to be a national secret.

• Q: We have sent one of our best breeding bulls to Cuba, but he sits at the edge of the lawn, ruminates and has no intention to take care of the cows. What we should do?

A: We are afraid that nothing can be done. The bull probably thinks he has been sent as an advisor.

• Q: What should we do if the USA hits us with nuclear missiles?

A: Everybody must put on white shrouds and creep towards the nearest cemetery, very slowly.

• Q: Why very slowly?

A: To avoid panic.

• Q: How do you know a death certificate has been made out by a Soviet doctor?

A: The signature is under 'cause of death'.

• Q: Why did the Soviets invade Czechoslovakia?

A: To find the person who invited them.

• Q: When will they leave?

A: Once they find him.

• A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk in Poland to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous. "What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks. "Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw." "But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?" "Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland." "And if the National Bank of Poland fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow." "And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union." "And if that bank fails?" "It is insured by the government of Soviet Union." "And if it fails?" "Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?"

• Radio Yerevans last minute news: The winners of -74 socialist cuckoo-clock competition (OK, we are a bit out of date - even as the head of broadcasting has been doing time). The purpose of the competition was to find new, anti-bourgeois cuckoo-clock-models for the masses:

3rd prize: Cuckoo comes out of the clock every hour saying "Lenin!"

2nd prize: Cuckoo comes out, says "All the proletariat of the world, unite!"

1st prize: A small Lenin comes out of the clock and says "cuckoo, cuckoo..."

• TASS: Yesterday, on the Soviet-Chinese border, Chinese soldiers disguised as peasants opened fire on a peaceful Soviet tractor. Our tractor returned fire, neutralized the intruders, and flew away...

• A variant of the joke continues as follows: "According to the statement of General-Lieutenant Ivanov, the head of the collective farm to which the tractor belonged, plows, planters and a VTOL combination harvester 'Niva' will be used to repel any further aggression attempts."

• Q: Is it true that people are healthier in Russia than in USA?

A: Certainly. Think about the American national obesity problem.

• Q: Comrade editor, is it correct that the Americans have dwarves?

A: In principle yes, but the Soviets are larger.

• Alla Pugacheva calls incognito radio Yerevan's office:

- Could you please tell me what the meaning is of the word “jubilee”?

- That's when you are surrounded with many flowers and you are still alive!

• Q: What is the difference between the dollar and the ruble?

A: The dollar is covered by gold (used to), while tanks cover the ruble.

• First question:

- What would be best for the people: to raise the cost of living and then the salaries or vice-versa?

- We don't want to comment on political issues.

Second question:

- What kind of night-gown should the bride wear during the first matrimonial night, satin or cotton?

- It doesn't actually matter, either way she's going to get screwed. The same also applies to the first question.

• Q: Would it be possible that one would have shot Nikita Khrushchev instead of JFK?

A: In principle yes, but it is questionable whether Onassis would have taken the widow...

• Q: How can I overcome the fear from a dentist?

A: Think of it as the only place you can open your mouth freely.

• Q: Is it true that the Soviet Government gave Evgheny a brand new black Mercedes?

A: Yes, it is true, only that it was not black it was red, it wasn't a Mercedes it was a Zhiguli, and they didn't give it TO him, they took it FROM him.

• Hello, Radio Yerevan?

- Yes.

- Yesterday I was listening to a very interesting political discussion on your station, but today I can barely hear you. What is wrong?

- Since today we are airing from Siberia.

• Radio Yerevan kindly informs its listeners: Our chief editor used to live right across the street to county prison. Since late last week he works right across the road to his home.

• Q: How long will it take still to reach socialism?

A: Eighteen kilometers. Each Five Year Plan takes us one step closer to socialism.

• Q: What is the principal difference between capitalism and communism?

A: Lenin said "Communism is the Soviet regime plus electricity in the whole country". Therefore the difference is the same as with a chair and an electric chair.

• Q: Is it true that the X-rays were discovered in Russia?

A: Yes, it's true. Even in 17th century prince Morosov wrote to his wife "I see through you, whore." Later, it became a popular adage, "I see through you and even deeper."

• Q: Is it true that due to the achievements of the Soviet technology, we will soon be able to order food over the phone?

A: Yes, our sources tell us it is true. The same sources told us the ordered food would be delivered via TV.

• Q: Why was the return of the Soviet Space station from the Moon marked as a huge success?

A: Because finally we have evidence that something can leave the Soviet Union and come back.

• Q: What is the shortest description of a scientist?

A: A person whose blood pressure is higher than his salary!

• BBC asks radio Yerevan:
  • What is the average salary that your engineers receive monthly?
  • …. the weather in England sucks.

• Q: What do humans and computers have in common?

A: Just like computers, when you are young you have lots of hardware and little software. When you get older you have lots of software but your hardware comes short.

• Q: Is it possible for a man to live only on maize?

A: In principle, yes, if you filtrate the maize through chickens.

• Q: What is the difference between miniskirt and Sputnik?

A: Sputnik: maximum resources spent, minimum information gained. Miniskirt: minimum resources spent, maximum information gained.

• Q: Is it true that all the most remarkable inventions have been come up in USSR?

A: In principle, yes. We invented inventors.

• Q: Is it possible that a woman dies from love?

A: No, but many women are living of that.

• Q: What is the definition of a perfect woman?

A: Deaf, dumb, nymphomaniac blonde, whose father owns a pub!

• Q: Why are some men bald, while the other are not?

A: All men are bald. Just some of them have hair over the bald spot.

• Q: Isn't it funny when an older man is chasing a young girl?

A: The funniest part is when he gets her!

• Q: How would you explain the increasing number of women MPs’?

A: With the coming of the World Soccer Championship.

• Q: Is it possible for a man to give a birth?

A: There has not been such a case on record. But experiments continue in many countries.

• Q: Can you make a blond snowman?

A: No, because you cannot make a hollow snowball.

• Q: Why do some men love the Olympic games more than their wives?

A: With the Olympics at least you know for sure who was first.

• Q: How can it be that ugly cocoons convert into beautiful butterflies?

A: What is unusual about it? For example, all young girls are so pretty and nice, but where do all those ugly witches of wives come from?

• Q: What is the price one should pay for being married?

A: It's the same as in the West: your freedom!

• Q: What wife is a better choice: a bad-looking, but faithful one, or a good-loking, but cheating on you?

A: What would you rather eat: A shit, alone, or a cake, with your friends?

• Q: My husband has the habit of whistling whenever he wants to make love. I wonder how should I behave when I have desire for tenderness?

A: Ask him. "Honey, did you whistle?"

• First question:

Q: What should you do if a woman is too fat?

A: She should twirl a Hula hoop.

Second question:

Q: What if she is so fat she can't fit into the hoop?

After a long silence from the Armenian radio, the Turkish radio tuned itself to the same wavelength and answered "For Allah's sake, don't mar a beautiful woman"

• Q: Why is rape impossible?

A: Because a woman with her skirt up will always run faster than a man with his pants down.

• Q: What to do if a tiger attacks a mother-in-law?

A: If he was the first to attack, let him defend himself on his own.

• Q: What is the best way to iron – press lace underwear?

A: Over your mother-in-law's ass!

• Q: Is it possible to get AIDS by a mosquito bite?

A: Yes, but there are many other more pleasant ways…

• Q: What are the symptoms for venereal diseases?

A: Well, judging by Venera Miloska, first you will lose your hands!

• Q: What would you call a man who does not use condoms?

A: Father!

• Q: What do 17th century knights and virgins have in common?

A: They both disappeared in the 17th century!

• Q: Is it possible to have sex with an open window?

A: Yes, but it's better with a woman!

• Q: Is it true that if you measure a tiger from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail, the length is twice as big as if you measure from the end of the tail to the tip of the nose? If it's true, how can it be?

A: What's unusual in that? Don't you know, for example, that from Easter to Christmas it's eight months, but from Christmas to Easter only four?

• Q: Our teacher told us every student must do something big and pure. What could you suggest?

A: Go to a Zoo and wash an elephant.

• Q: Why don't roosters have hands?

A: Because hens do not have breasts!

• Q: Is it possible to wrap an elephant on a newspaper?

A: Yes, if the newspaper contains the communique of the Central Committee [of CPSU].

• Q: What to do if vodka interferes with the job?

A: Get off the job.

• Q: Is it true that carrots are good against impotency?

A: In principle yes, but many prefer bananas.

• Q: Why is it my refrigerator is empty while simultaneously the radio broadcasts of world record harvests?

A: Plug your refrigerator on your radio.

• Q: What is the difference between a newspaper and radio?

A: You can wrap a fish on a newspaper, but not on radio waves

• Q: With whom does the Soviet Union border?

A: With whoever it wants!

• Q: What would happen if Bulgaria invades Sahara?

A: After 2-3 years they will start importing sand.

• Q: Do you think that a Civil war might break out in Bulgaria?

A: No. Bulgaria is mostly populated by village people.

• Q: What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?

A: The English fairy tale start with "Once upon a time...., and ours with "It will be soon..."

• Q: How many fools are there in Armenia?

A: Come over here, you'll be the first.

• Q: Is there anti-Semitism in the USSR?

A: We must answer in the positive: No!

• Q: What is the difference between Zionism and Impressionism?

A: We don't know about this difference, but if you are who we think you are, you better go.

• Q: Is there a symphony orchestra in New Guinea?

A: Of course not, as no Jew would agree to put a ring into his nose.

• Q: How does a smart Bulgarian talk with a stupid Bulgarian?

A: By the phone from Canada.

• Q: What do a pregnant eighth-grader and a Trabant have in common?

A: Both are the shame of the family.

• Q: What is the shortest description of an Armenian?

A: From the waist till the hair – pictures from the wild nature. From the waist till the toe unbelievable but true.

• Q: What can you use a women's bra for?

A: To make two hats for Uzbeks from it.

• Q: What is "Russian business"?

A: To steal a crate of vodka, to sell it, and then drink the money away.

• Q: Who were the first people?

A: It is well known that a man descended from an ape. Therefore we have to admit that the first people were: Aron Gutan, a Jew, Chimpanidze, a Georgian, and Gavrilla, a Russian.

• Q: How can you tell if the pilot of the plane is Armenian?

A: He would open the window and his hand would stretch out.

• Q: Is it possible to set up socialism in Monaco?

A: No. Such a great disaster does not fit in such a small country.

• Q: Why isn't Finland yet a Communist country?

A: Do we really hate the Finns so much?

• Q: Would the East Germans rather live in Germany, USA or USSR?

A: In Germany, of course! Isn't the West Germany a Germany as well?

• Q: Which is better, Russian tea or Chinese tea?

A: Do not meddle with grand geopolitical disputes. Drink coffee instead.

• Q: Why did the Kremlin staff again visit Finland?

A: To learn how to live in unison with a grand eastern neighbour.

• Q: Are the Czech our brothers or our friends?

A: Brothers, of course. You can choose your friends but not your relatives.

• Q: Why do the Chinese shoot cats?

A: From counterrevolutionary provocation. They refused to say "Mao!", saying instead "Meow!".

• Q: The relations between US and USSR are termed as "peaceful coexistence of different systems". What is the term to describe the relations between USSR and China?"

A: Hostile coexistence of similar systems.

• Q: Which is the largest country in the world?

A: Cuba. Its intelligentsia is in Florida, government in Moscow, grain fields in Ukraine and graveyards in Angola.

• Q: Which is the most important city in the Soviet Union?

A: Yerevan, of course.

Q: So, if Americans want to nuke us, they should target Yerevan, right?

A: Well, Moscow is pretty important, too.

• Q: Is it true all prostitutes have glowing eyes?

The Armenian radio didn't know what to say. Instead, the Odessa radio said "If all prostitutes had glowing eyes, then Odessa would have white nights" The Leningrad radio requested that no comments be made.

• Q: Have you heard that Academician Ambartsumian has just won a Volga car in state lottery?

A: Of course I have. Only he's no academician. He's a night watchman. And his name is not Ambartsumian. It's Rabinovich. And it was not a car. It was a hundred rubles. And he played poker, not the state lottery. Oh, and by the way: he didn't win!

• Q: Is it true that they are giving cars to people in Yerevan ?

A: Yes, but it is not in Yerevan, it's in Gyumri, and not cars, but bicycles, and they are not giving them, but stealing from them.

• Q: Is it true that Tchaikovsky was homosexual?

A: In principle yes, but he is liked not only for that.

• Q: Can I take a bath if I have diareea?

A: Yes, if you have enough!

• Q: Is there life on other planets?

A: On other planets there is also no life.

• Q: What is a rubber band?

A: Thread with strain nerves!

• Q: Did Eve cheat on Adam?

A: No doubt she did. Don't you know that the human race started from a monkey?

• Q: Can a woman make a man a millionaire?

A: Sure, if he is a billionaire.

• Q: Why are the answers of Armenian Radio often stupid?

A: Because these answers are not invented by Armenians.

• Q: Why have your answers become so dull lately?

A: Because the old Jew who used to give answers died recently.

• Q: Why does Radio Yerevan often answer questions with another question?

A: Why not?

• Q: What kind of counterrevolutionary provocateur does all the time there in Radio Yerevan invent these jokes?

A: He does not invent jokes any more. He nowadays just does time.

• Q: Why did Armenian Radio stop broadcasting yesterday from 12:00 to 02:00?

A: That was a program for deaf-and-dumb audience.

• Q: Does the Radio Yerevan really exist or is it just an Imperialist invention?

A: Principally yes. Yerevan, the capital of Armenia, does exist, and there is a radio, which supposedly is an Imperialist invention.

• Russian joke
• GDR jokes

• Lollerpedia Radio Yerevan jokes GFDL wiki

• Armenian Radio Jokes