1. |
4pm
02:48
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it’s 4pm on a monday and i cannot stop sobbing.
i haven’t been able to eat or sleep or leave the bed for days. crying every single day for the past 20 days.
now that i type it out, that seems like an obvious red flag… something is wrong.
on paper, my life is nice.
actually, my life is becoming the very life i have dreamed about since i was a little kid.
i so badly wish i could engage, appreciate, and truly LIVE this life that i’ve been fortunate enough to experience. unfortunately, there is a seemingly infinite void inside of me.
and a darkness that won’t lift.
i have never felt this alone and discarded in my life.
this includes times when i lost friends, family, and even what i thought was my god.
perhaps those losses just compounded, including my current situational stressors (?).
or maybe this is unrelated. or maybe i am making it all up.
i am writing this on my iPhone,
and can already tell that this text will either end up sounding like a suicide note or like, some pathetic attempt at “being real”.
it is neither though. the closest thing i can think of to compare this text to is a letter to the universe,
begging for the aching to let up, the crying to slow, and my ability to function to return.
…
sometimes i am just grateful that i can still cry - because being numb is an even worse reality, and very few people seem to return from that.
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2. |
head
04:43
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you wanna be hard and feel in control
but being commanding is hard when you don’t
know what you
are lookin for
what you want
is slipping away
Spending half of my whole life giving you head
just in case you need to forgive me
one day for something that i did
doubt flows in
I am not drowning yet
but the rain is coming in
under the door
you know i dont give a
shit
Mental blasts of the best parts
Counting down and then it starts
Drowning now, went too far
Drowning now, i drank too hard
Now im (not okay)
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3. |
it could be anything
04:41
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Do you ever think about what im doin
When he's doing you
cause i do
Maybe just hanging around
Maybe just blacking out til i feel okay
First its cheers at the bar
In the bathroom there it starts
Tongue-filled mouths in the dark
Drunk with him in your apartment
Mental blasts of the best parts
Back when the apartment was yours and mine
Trying not to visualize your skin by candlelight
While he gets what he needs
First its cheers at the bar
In the bathroom there it starts
Voices crack in the dark
Is it self destruction or pure of heart
This is not your problem
This is not your fault
This is just me trying to stay involved
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4. |
asking for it
01:52
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(Imma fuck things up anyway)
Let me make a home with somebody
It doesn't matter if you’re not alone
I’ve still got to keep this to myself
Today (but) I don't know
Imma fuck things up anyway
It’s 100 degrees and I’m sweatin’ my ass off
cuz you’re giving me those eyes
And they’re asking for it
Imma fuck things up anyway
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5. |
iii
04:36
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6. |
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ya it’s my fault
said and did different
and for the most part
i hate me too
i couldn’t keep up
kept spinning my truth
but you were so honest
still loved me too
trying to convince everyone
that im ok
when i am not
fucking ok
lovers spit plays in the
background
making me wish i had
someone around
it’s pissing you off
but i’m drunk as ever
never remember
the words i say
flex at the party
and never say sorry
egos still hurt
it was the jameson
i feel your distance
on the patio
this is the most
i’ve ever felt alone
lovers spit plays
in the background
making me wish i had
someone around
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7. |
sycamore skylight
05:07
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8. |
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I’m completely drenched like that time
In the river you looked and swore
“This never happens”
I bet it happens
second tier is better than third
Out of time, I still beg
Please, five more minutes
Please, five more minutes
Please, five more minutes
Please, five more minutes
I don't want to be happy i wanna be hungry
Mouth open
unprepared
Does anyone care that i'm out of the country sprinting
I turn away from Glory, i've seen a lot of things
Slippery ecstasy unity broken key cold friend
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9. |
w sunset blvd
01:17
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10. |
ily2 (feat. Hand Habits)
03:33
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Its ok if its not true, i believe it
Just say it like you mean it
Like anything, i’ll believe it
And say “i love you too”
im easy to convince
Easy to fool me
It doesn't have to be true
Just say it like you mean it
Like anything, i’ll believe it
And say “i love you too”
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