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Dirty Dealing 3D (2018)
A treat for the eyes
This is a prime example on how to turn a 20 minute story into a 1.5 hour movie. Keep showing people playing blackjack and cards and roulette and clips of slot machines and the interior of the casino to really stretch it out, then show a whole bunch of close ups of all the girls in almost no clothing, then take every conversation and really drag it out as long as you can.
That will kill close to an hour. After all that, put in a half assed plot about some kid needing a medical procedure and then add in some more casino shots and then drag it out longer.
There really is no story here - and what little there is, is very unentertaining.
It's all eye candy from the models.
All those 10 star votes are obviously from cast, crew and family - because in reality it's a 2 and not much more.
Last Resort (1986)
Dreadfully unfunny
The only thing good about this movie is the poster.
That's the thing that reels you in because the artist actually invested some time on it.
The actual movie is horrid on levels that are just insulting.
The only way this film was made was to be a money laundering scheme.
Nothing in this movie works to any degree.
Story wise, this is just miserable - even though there is a great cast, the plot has nothing to it.
I assume money laundering is big business in films - because so many films which would never pass in reality are made - even though like this one, they are made truly horrible.
There's no spoilers because there's nothing to spoil...the movie was spoiled from the very beginning and lasted to the very end.
Ozark (2017)
What started out good
What started out good has gone completely nuts.
Everybody is too stupid and greedy to exist in that town.
With all the money they are earning, they still all live in the same dumpy houses and trailers and hang with the same stupid people doing the same stupid zhit!
People that stupid should cease to exist.
Whatever problems they have, they all brought on themselves by being totally stupid and greedy.
It's not even drama at the end of season 2, it's just pure insanity - because they could have all packed up and left with a ton of cash and travelled across the globe and settled where nobody would find them, but they just all stayed in the same trailer park mentality that keeps them getting dumber and dumber and dumber by the day.
Alien Private Eye (1989)
The high points
The high points are the nude scenes and the clothing from the 1980's - which people dress up as pimps.
That's it.
There's only reasons to watch this are to ridicule a shoddy story with no real merit to it.
Ahhh - the 1980's - where all sorts of horrible movies were made but will live on in time and space now with internet and cloud storage.
Oh - it's got some half naked girl - which makes this movie simply amazing.
Firestarter (2022)
another unneeded movie
With Zac Efrom in the lead, I knew this was going to bite big...and it did.
With so many great actors - why choose an absolutely flat cast? And Zac as a lead?
Just no...no, no, no, no, no! He's horrible.
And the movie was crap too. 2 times I watched it and fell asleep - that's how uninteresting it is.
Zac Efrom is horrible in everything he does - and he proved it once again.
I would probably never cast him in anything. In-fact, I would grab a lesser known actor instead - if I can't get my favourite actors.
Even the poster looks bad.
Just bad on so many levels - this film.
Oceans Rising (2017)
They would have had an easier time if...
If the two doctors override the single pole with a dual axel polarity spectrum, then the polarity will reverse in the tri-axel state.
Using the hyper-channel proximity speculator, they could just turn on and reverse the nano-plasma reactor and restart the power chamber that forces the vortex open.
They completely overlooked that option because they were going for the rerouting of the particle beam to co-exist with the other particles and bond together using the hyper-submatter resistor.
Once the system has been turned on with the sub-port over-ride charge applicator, they just kick on the submersible transformer and let the processor do the rest - but they didn't think of that.
They had to re-power the revolutionary applications in order to re-intermediate the viral systems, so that the power generators don't implode.
They could also send the fiber optic form factor into the mainframe, it will copy the system by parsing its PHP sensor!
You can't disconnect the firewall without connecting the primary DHCP sensor!
You can't calculate the system without transcoding the analog UDP program!
...I don't know why the writers think that the more technical stuff they give the actors to say, it would make it more interesting...in-fact, it makes it sound totally retarded.
Flight 666 (2018)
I actually really liked this.
Not a bad film at all.
The plane kinda looked cheap and that took away from the overall feel to it, but the film was good...and the actors were good too.
I would have chosen a different cast - my go to cast for every movie, but these actors were fine.
I would have done some close up shots of the eyes and some much more intense music, but this movie is now among my favourites.
Hopefully Asylum keeps putting out better movies like this.
A far bigger budget would have done this so much better - but this was so cool.
I would have loved to see this in a huge screen with surround sound - because it would have made it all the better.
And my cast would be Charlize Theron, Gina Gershon, Cuba Gooding, Tom Cruise, Charlie Sheen, Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Halle Berry, Dina Meyer, Brendan Fletcher, Michael Pare, Erik Roberts and Denzel Washington, and a few select others.
Music with Alan Silvestri and Co-directed by Uwe Boll, Shane Black, John McTiernan or James Cameron.
The story overall was really cool.
Titanic 666 (2022)
Not as bad as many reviewers made it out to be
Normally when a movie is made by Asylum, it's just beyond lazy writing and prop construction and lousy performances with exceptionally poor story and effects.
This is actually not a bad movie.
I rated it a 9 because others rated it a 1 and in reality it's not a 9, but it's somewhere mid range.
It's too short of a movie in my opinion and a larger budget and cast would have made this really awesome.
Asylum stepped up the game far beyond their normal lousy shark movies and horribly dinosaur movies or normal science fiction.
I enjoyed this movie much more than many other far bigger movies which have come out in the last 10 years.
Glad to see that some quality is finally being put into the Asylum movies and not just on the poster cover art.
I liked it - and yes, it still could have been better...no doubt, but then again they didn't have $200 million dollars to work with.
I would have liked to see more carnage done to the boat as well.
Woman on the Run (2017)
What a screwed up script
Sarah Butler is a fantastic actress and the others in the film are as well, but the story is just horribly stupid on too many levels.
The writers were just pumping out anything for a story, regardless how much sense or logic it actually has.
Also, because it was filmed in and around Vancouver, where they moved to should be called Vancouver and then her troubles would be slightly more believable due to the verification of her ID.
Having to cross borders and losing your ID and replacing it is difficult, but even then, there would most likely be a record of it at the border crossing.
Being in the US, as a US citizen, verifying her self is much easier - and especially with drivers licenses, banks, and a variety of other means.
The implausibility on this movie is just far too high - and that's what the writers must have been when they were composing this story...high or drunk or just totally bad at their jobs.
Once again - Sarah Butler good...story bad.
If it didn't have Sarah in it, I would have easily bypassed this for something much more entertaining.
If you want to watch this, leave your brain outside the door and then take a seat and gaze into the screen like the sheep you are.
Anyone with a brain that actually uses it will find this movie totally ridiculous - but I guess that not so smart people need to be entertained too - and this is the ideal movie for them.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Wow...what story
When John Cryer is the best thing in the movie, then you know it's pretty bad.
It's just a weak mess and severely not thought out well.
Plenty of plot holes and story which just really doesn't make sense.
Last Action Hero (1993)
it could have been good
The kid was an annoyance and brought whatever was interesting about the film to a total let down
that aside, it's a typical 5-8 star film...not as good as The Terminator or Total Recall, but still enjoyable - however, that kid brought the film to a total drain and really uninteresting and just a burden to watch
that kid was totally miscast and he just basically turns this into sludge and tiring to watch, certainly not entertaining
another actor would have made it much better.
Criminally Insane (1975)
One of the scariest films you can ever see.
This movie was so scary that it kept me up for almost 3 months.
The intense action and tension was just horrific on levels you can't even imagine.
Ethel has to be the most terrifying person to ever grace the screen and you have to think and remind yourself that it's only a movie and not actually real.
The fear she brings to the screen is never before seen and will probably never will be seen again.
Her sinister laughter reminds us how truley evil and horrific of a person she really is and how it is a miracle that you don't die in your chair watching this bloodfest as she is carving up everybody and eats them.
The blood splatter in her house is sheer terror because her fantastic performace enables us to believe on levels we can't evven comprehend - of how good of an actress she really is - and so is everybody else in this masterpiece of terror.
The music score is certainly spine-chilling, as are the makeup and special effects. The editing and camera work is beyond top notch and all film schools globally should be teaching this technique of skillful precision.
Direction that only one of the finest masters can conceive, brilliant locations, a script that must have taken 45 years to develop and mould into what is possibly one of history's finest films to ever be produced.
Makeup and wardrobe is the best you ever will see anywhere and the casting of course can never be matched on any level.
If you are seeking tension, horror and anything else that the best movie can ever have - then this is the movie to watch...even the cover artwork assures you of the skill required to develop such a fine piece of cinema.
For the next 10 000 years to come, you may never see a film so well balanced as this...so invite all your friends and family members, neighbours and coworkers to enjoy only one of the best movies ever made and ever to be made.
You will want to watch it at least 8 times in a row to really grasp how intense this is.
Enhanced (2019)
For a feature movie...
For a feature movie, it's not highly impressive and because it's filmed in Canada - it has a small budget, thereby giving it a small buget feel to the entire film.
The poster is really awesome and interesting, but the rest of the movie is just lackluster.
Nothing truly horrible about it, but it's tiring and lost my focus after 15 minutes.
It just seems to drag - when it should have been getting better.
I assume this was made for Canadian tv, because of the editing style.
Nothing really remarkable about any characters and what was really good was over in the first few minutes.
The Toybox (2018)
This is a movie for anybody buying a camper.
This movie is an ideal teaching tutorial for anybody buying a camper - especially if it's used.
Bring a mechanic with you before you purchase it.
Be sure that doors, windows, heaters, sinks, air conditioning and lights all work as they should.
If you're buying a used camper - it's best to check it out properly, give it a good clean and when you go away for a vacation after cleaning it out properly, make sure that you have it mechanically sound and roadworthy.
Be sure to bring some tools with you in case the camper breaks down and maybe have a HANES repair manual for the vehicle you have purchased.
Be sure to bring flashlights, many blankets, plenty of food, a GPS and compass, safety flares, first aid supplies and people who don't make stupid decisions on a minute by minute basis.
Otherwise you may end up in a low grade thriller movie like this.
This movie gets worse the more you watch it.
With every moment that passes, it just becomes more insane.
The Room (2003)
wow
This movie is so mangled yet so fun to watch
it's as if the entire script and film was written by somebody drunk, never reviewed again and then filmed by random chosen people who have no real interest in the script or in the final result of the movie
there's a best friend who doesn't want to cheat on Johnny but does so anyway
there's Denny who looks like he's about to crack under a bunch of social and mental problems and doesn't know how to deal with simple things in life or how to even form coherent thought
there's the mother who sprouts random dialogue which goes nowhere and her facial expressions display confusion, disgust and lifelessness
there's a drug dealer who appears for 3 minutes and has no real reason to exist in the story and is never shown again
there are 2 people who just walk into the house and start having sex and have no real purpose to be in the film
there's a flower shop woman who refers to Johnny as her best customer and is never seen again and has no reason to even be in the film
there is Lisa - who tells us how good Johnny is and how nice he is to everybody and then goes out of her way to destroy him
and then there is Johnny - a character so devoid of emotion, somebody whose conversations are so dreary and uninspiring and pointless, that each sentence is just a vague statement that offers nothing and goes nowhere and doesn't connect anything else together
this movie is a jumbled mess in all areas - with scenes that offer nothing, shots that are reused, plots that go nowhere and to tie it all together, there is characters who deliver lines like they are about to go in for heart surgery and realize that they have no chance of surviving it
it's not the worst movie I've ever seen....there's so many worse movies than this - but it's so devoid of any real story because of all the little stories thrown in that go nowhere and because the dialogue is so plain and uninteresting
this is like a first draft script with no other thought given to it and then filmed with whoever showed up for the casting call and with just people with little to no experience in the entire development of the film
this is a masterpiece in filmmaking - because there is next to no direction or real effort put into making this - and it shows
the total lack of investment in all areas because of it's devoid sense of story make this a feast to watch
the budget could have been 200 million and it still would not have been any better - in fact it may have been worse with a bigger budget
getting better actors may or may not have made this better than what it is
basically, the entire film is missing any real effort...any real conviction
it's as if a bunch of people smoked weed and decided to film some random conversations and piece it together
and holding it all together is Johnny - an actor so devoid of any charm, conviction, emotion or interest in any capacity
the story revolves around Johnny - who should be the very most interesting person in the film - and is certainly not...
Johnny staggers into a door with almost no reason to walk into the room or anywhere else...his eyes look like he saw the most depressing thing ever
it doesn't even change when he gets angry or when he's getting ;aid or any other time...there's next to no range of emotion from Johnny - and what very little there is - is so dishearteningly poor, it's funny to watch
this is either brilliant in writing or just so poorly developed that it's brilliant in it's outcome
yes, the film itself is boring and uninspiring - but there's something that makes you want to watch it and just to see how bland and pointless it all becomes
that's not necessarily a bad thing...many film makers will never end up making a movie that will be remembered as good as The Room is...
with hundreds of thousands of movies made on a yearly basis in the United States alone - most movies will neve get the attention that this movie does - yet most movies will be better made, with a better story, better cast, better scenery and everything else...
they may be better, they may have a bigger budget - but even those 200 million dollar budget movies are missing something that makes them so special...and that is what The Room has...
nobody knows exactly what makes The Room so special - because it's very poorly pieced together - but in't it's total mess - there is that unique thing that even many big budget block busters will never have...no Star Wars movies, no Terminator movies, no action movies, no dramas - not the best movies ever made have that special thing that makes The Room so unique....and nobody knows what it is....only Tommy Wiseau knows
so while this movie is a jumble of mishaps, it's an interesting piece...sort of like a Picasso painting in a comic book shop...it doesn't fit in with anything else around it, but it fits in by itself...and stands out
so, you can laugh and mock it for everything that it's not - because it's missing so much - but then you have to admire that fact that as bad as it is...as devoid of anything captivating...it's a work of art in it's own way
it's the 300 million dollar Picasso painting in a collection of comic books...
it is totally out of place, but it's still a work of art...
I don't hate this movie at all...it's not my favourite film in any respect either...but as bad as it is, it does not deserve a 1...and I don't rate it a 10 because it's the best film ever made...far from it...
but it deserves a 10 because it's a collective mess with no inspiration, a uninspired cast, a devoid plot, poorly performed cast, edited by a blind person and through all that...it's an accomplished work of art
it's the ultimate American Dream...a person who set their goals to do something, get it done and then set it out to the world - only to be mocked and disputed as being no good - when the person behind it all went to great lengths to not only think of it, but to complete it all with his own money, do his own promotion and see it through to the end
as bad s it is, there's something undeniably interesting about The Room that not too many good or bad movies have...
I've seen bad movies....really bad movies - and this is not one of them - however it's not good either.
Knucks (2021)
I sat through 32 minutes
And that was 32 minutes far too long...
The first few minutes were enough to verify that the rest was going to be just as bad.
This was crap on all levels. It's not artsy. It's just crap. There's a difference.
Artsy still has something to it and this doesn't.
Can't say anything was good about this movie/film/art - whatever you think you should call it.
It's equally as bad as many multimillion dollar fiascos that Hollywood pumps out regularly like a bowel movement. So, I'm not singling you out for being dreadful - because you are now talented enough to waste 200 million dollars on a serious mishap and call it a movie. That's your new found ability.
Welcome to 2020 and beyond - where everything has turned to trash, chaos, confusion or is just downright depressing to experience in all methods.
Somebody rated this a 5 - and they were more than gracious...
Even rating this a 1 is still very gracious.
Do yourself a favour and stick to popping soap bubbles. You might have a career in it; because you don't have a career in film.
Alien: Battlefield Earth (2021)
Oh yeah, it's bad - but it's funny.
The movie is a horrible movie.
No doubt. It's cheaply made, the clips are overused and overused and overused and overused and overused and overused again and again and again.......
The actors really don't have a huge chance of a career unless they get work in Asylum movies.
The story is whacked. The costumes are laughable, the effects are equivalent to a first year film student in their first month.
And you knw what??? I like it.
Yes, this would never become a blockbuster hit...it would become a CULT hit - much like The Happening or Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room.
But over the course of the last 3 years I've watched many MULTI MILLION dollar movies - with huge well known celebrity stars and they were absolutely abysmal on levels I didn't even have the energy to post a negative review.
The Fast and Furious movies and many others come to mind.
This movie was cheap and it looked cheap and it felt cheap...but I enjoyed it far more than those done with 160 Million dollars and were total trash.
It's not the best movie you'll ever see...far from it...but at least you will get to laugh at it because that's what the entire point to it all was.
The director, writers and producers as well s the cast and rest of the crew realized this...but it's fun because it's so cheap.
I had more enjoyment watching this than sooooooooooooo many other movies out there.
No - I did not work in this movie. No, I wasn't paid to write this.
I just liked it - but don't get me wrong...now that I've seen it, I won't be watching it over and over. It's not Terminator. It's Not Back To The Future.
The cover art made me want to watch it.
The sheer insanity of it all kept me there.
Hopefully the creators can also do better than this, otherwise they should get out of the business.
Adventures in Babysitting (2016)
Dismal
4 minutes in and it's already dreary.
This version has no charm. It also has no Elizabeth Shue who was an absolute awesome actress and still is.
This starts out bad and just continues to be bad.
It's a perfect movie to sleep to - and even though I worked on this film, it still wasn't impressive.
There were so many flaws in this movie - that it was nearly impossible for me to sit through.
This movie is ideal for kids 2 - 10 years old.
The police arrest was laughable - as was most of the story - but not in a funny way, rather a dreadful - on my gosh, how could it be so pathetic - way...
Paycheck (2003)
Even with all the flaws, I still liked it.
Ok...I live in the city this was filmed.
I lived in several neighbourhoods of this city and I know this city inside out and backwards.
Almost every street, almost every building - almost every detail about Vancouver. I know this city really well.
I used to drive it day and night and I made a really nice income from it.
There are simply too many holes in the entire story for me to like it too much and because of the chase scenes which take mere minutes but in reality couldn't even happen because of the design of the city - it totally loses me.
There's no possible way that a motorcycle chase can exist between all the locations in this city in a matter of minutes and it certainly couldn't last more than 3 minutes because there's simply too much traffic and too many obstructions and the locations are so far apart.
For me that totally killed it more than the plausibility.
Because I know the very fine details of this city, the entire story comes to a fast halt. Nothing makes sense to me - because nothing would develop like it did in this town. There's no way. There simply isn't the opportunity with the way this city operates on any given day or night.
Then there are major holes in plot development - too many to list.
It's an interesting movie and one that I felt somewhat entertained me - but still had too many issues with stability in structure and ending -especially in an environment where cameras and tracking equipment is so prevalent in the 20th century.
This story may have worked in the 1950's or even the 1980's - however since computers and electronics and security has grown so rapid since the 1980's, this story fails to deliver.
The methods of surveillance don't work - and even after he saves the day, he would still be on the run and his life would always be at risk. There is no fun easy life for him after everything ends.
The circumstances which led him to the point of destruction of the science lab would always be under investigation and even if he managed to escape at that time - he would be consistently on the run for the rest of his life - simply due to his involvement with such massive destrction and so many deaths and the involvement of everything pertaining to his adventure.
There would be years of legal matters for the local police, FBI and for him personally and having an easy and carefree life after all that mess would not happen.
He would need to be on the run everyday - and being in one place for too long would put him in jeopardy all the time.
There were also issues relating to the time he picks up his envelope.
He looks at his bank statement and it shows 902 million dollars - it's already deposited into his bank and verified upon his logging in.
However, when he goes to sign the papers, it states that several weeks before - he signed it all away.
That is a major flaw in the story.
If he signed it all away, when he goes to log into his account - nothing would show up. There would have been no transfer.
There is also a matter about Rachel having two apartments.
If the corporation knew that he was meeting her - why would they not have both places covered?
Lots of holes - lots of flaws.
Don't even get me started on the ability to see himself from different angles while he's looking at the future.
It's a cool story in it's own way but has so many flaws in it's design and final product.
Putting some more thought into the production of this would have made this movie totally awesome - but the director, producer and other staff didn't do this - and this is the reason it never became a massive hit...because there were so many problems which detracted from a good story.
Maybe when it will get a rewrite, the next director and producer will be able to fix the problems and make it mind blowing.
Right now - instead of mind blowing...this just blows my mind.
I'm a very skilled driver and I've done some truly awesome things with a car - but even I can't travel all that distance what he did with a motorcycle and cover all that ground and not get locked in daytime traffic and endless congestion.
That is some real suspension of belief..
Try driving at top speed in this city and get more than 2 blocks...good luck.
Being in a car chase is damn near impossible.
I've been in car chases - but believe me...it's not going to happen in this town...no way.
That's why cops never have to chase a car in this city...it's impossible to have a car chase in this town.
The real adventure here is how he can even get a block down the road and not encounter construction downtown...that is the real movie.
The Blue Lagoon (1980)
Gorgeous scenery - lots of flaws
Plenty of flaws in this tale about 2 people stranded on an island.
Richard is a multitalented teenager who can build a multilevel cabin complete with slide, closing doors, several balconies, rainproof roof and multiple decks - all with no tools.
However he can't build a small raft which floats - but when he does a raft, it's built so well crafted and aerodynamic and comfortable looking - even though it sinks.
Most carpenters I know wouldn't be able to build such things - without the help of coworkers who know structure and without quality tools.
Also - being as long as they have been stranded on the island, neither of them is insane or the slightest crazy, have bad teeth - and even Em has flawless complexion - complete with lipstick and perfect hair and carefully applied makeup.
This movie would have been great in the 1920's - when film began to finally get a a wide audience - and people were still gullible.
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Not even worth reviewing
I tried 3 times to watch this and each time I found it worse than before.
It's such a lousy movie it's not worth reviewing.
Lousy and lousy and lousy.
The leads, the leads, the leads, the leads...who gives a rat's ass after 4 minutes in?
A bland film that's worthy of nothing but putting people to sleep on the couch.
Battle Drone (2018)
For such skilled army personnel, they aren't too bright
If these guys were so good, they would have easily taken out the drones within minutes - but they didn't use anything but guns.
With all the oil, dirt and mud and chemicals which are abundant in that warehouse zone and the grounds - it all could have been used to be sprayed in the face of the drones to block their field of vision...
..but nobody thought of that.
Also the team left with almost no artillery but they end up using hundreds of rounds of ammo and weapons when they left with bare hands.
Also - supposedly filming in Pripyat - a city which has been abandoned for over 30 years, there is next to little dust in the buildings they were in.
For being in that town for that length of time, they are using heavy risk...due to the fact of heavy contamination still present.
Also - nobody seems to get hungry or tired or need to go to the bathroom.
There were so many methods of putting down the drones in those locations but none of the team seemed to recognize them. The only thinking they had was with guns - which was too much effort.
Copper Mountain (1983)
boring
Like every other review posted here, this is another one.
Nothing really good on any level.
Not the music, not the story, not photography, not acting, not directing, not lighting, not editing, not costumes,, not locations.
Nothing in this film is good on any level.
Infact it's at a 10 year old's film production level - and even below that.
Horrible soundtrack and color and cinematography.
It's not even bad enough to be good or good enough to be bad to be good.
It's just bad.
Reading the reviews here was more entertaining than the movie was.
Deadfall (1993)
So wowwwwwww
The movie never really picks up or is interesting aside from when Nick Cage and Charlie Sheen are being their totaally wacked characters.
We don't know what purpose they serve - but their on screen presence is just simply amazing - and attracts you to this atrocious movie mess.
Yes, their roles are so off from everybody else - but when you are wondering what is actually going on during the rest of the mess of this movie, they are the most fun to watch as this sinks into something bland and uninteresting.
Nick Cage knows how to make a scene for sure - and yes, his acting is baddddddd - but it's fun to watch.
Devil's Triangle (2021)
This certainly is entertaining.
I can hardly imagine how much effort was actually out into this script, production, props, acting or anything else.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that a submarine has brick walls and wooden door frames.
Or that the entire cast of the Atlantis people are wearing modern era clothes, have modern electronics, furnishings and lighting systems - and also speak fluent English - as I was watching the English version.
I'm sure that it would be just as much fun to watch any other language version - because this is certainly entertaining in aspects where it shouldn't be.
However - as bad as it is...and it is bad...it's still more entertaining than most movies I've seen in the past 2 years.
It's not the worst of the bunch.
Yes, it's outrageously cheap - but it's Asylum Production, so you know it's cheap.
Crazy as it is...I actually liked it.
Just not enough to rate it more than I did.
Someday i hope to buy a submarine made of cement, wood and brick.
Do you know where I can find one?