Penis Humor Quotes

“It's a penis," Margo said, "in the same sense that Rhode Island is a state: it may have an illustrious history, but it sure isn't big.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“For a guy, nothing is sexier than a girl who craves his little guy and can’t keep her hands off of it… because this is exactly the way he feels about your ladyparts whether he’s groping them like a savage or quietly watching TV next to you.”
― Roberto Hogue, Real Secrets of Sex: A Women's Guide on How to Be Good in Bed

“A man's sexual organ is penis and woman's sexual organ is brains.”
― DK

“If God created man in his image... Does God have a functioning penis? And does God manually handle every penis he creates? Or does he outsource the job to penis-manufacturing elves?”
― Oliver Markus Malloy, Inside The Mind of an Introvert: Comics, Deep Thoughts and Quotable Quotes

“If my penis were a writer/director, it would be Woody Allen - small, neurotic, and, frankly, hit or miss.”
― Matthew Norman, Domestic Violets

“It is like a firstborn son: you spend your life working for him, sacrificing everything for him, and at the moment of truth he does just as he pleases.”
― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

“IT SLAPPED MY HAND. I’ve been rejected by the penis.”
― Chloe Seager, Dating Disasters of Emma Nash

“Oh my God. Why did he only have a semi?! Do I not merit a full erection?”
― Chloe Seager, Dating Disasters of Emma Nash

“I remember he said, “if you had a dick you’d be dangerous." It’s the kind of comment that sticks with a woman”
― Steve Almond, Which Brings Me to You

“Fuck her right in the pussy”
― PenisGrowShortcuts.com, Penis Grow Shortcuts

“Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?"

"Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.”
― Elizabeth Brown

“Men looove pussy. They can never get enough of it. If you send a guy a pussy pic, he's gonna think you're awesome. And he assumes you feel the same way if he sends you an unsolicited dick pic. He loves jerking off while looking at pussy, and in his mind he's certain that you must love dick
pics as much as he loves pussy pics. It is such a given to him, it never even occurred to him that it might not be true.

If you have a dog, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes a dog brings you his favorite toy in the whole world. And he puts it in your lap. Not because he wants you to throw it. This is not for him. This is for you. He wants you to have it.

When you look at his toy, all you see is a dirty old sock, covered in crusty dried dog spit. But that's not what he sees. To him that sock is the most awesome thing in the whole world. And he is putting The Most Awesome Thing In The Whole World in your lap. Then he sits down in front of you and stares into your eyes as if to say: "This is my gift to you. May it give you the same endless hours of joy and happiness that it has given me."

And that's exactly what men think when they send you a dick pic.”
― Oliver Markus Malloy, Why Creeps Don't Know They're Creeps - What Game of Thrones can teach us about relationships and Hollywood scandals

“...I got the word. It's get out of town, and it wasn't even from Mel Torme.

"If Natalie were here, she'd say Torme has the best pipes in town," said Elena.

"Anyone else might say that. What Nat would say is he has the biggest pipe in town.”
― Joyce Haber, The Users

“I don't agree with Freud's theory about women having penis envy. Don't get me wrong, gentlemen; your penises are great. I'm just not personally interested in possessing one myself. To be honest, the last thing I need is to worry about the size of another one of my body parts.”
― Jenny Baranick, Kiss My Asterisk - A Feisty Guide to Punctuation and Grammar

“Our penises flop up and down, and then as we pick up speed, slap left to right, back and forth -- who would have thought left to right? The pain! People should not do this. Penises were not built for running.”
― Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

“Aa, så är det alltså. Söder är på den här sidan så era snoppar pekar alltså...Vidare, söder ut!”
― Emma Hamberg, Au revoir Agneta

“Get comfortable with each other’s bodies? I’m not sure how much more comfortable I can be with his. “But you’ve seen me naked, Mathiras.” At my words, he looks shocked. “What? No, I haven’t.” Now I’m confused. “But we showered together on the station. Every time. We showered a lot. You held my hand when I got scared about being in there alone.” “Ah.” Realization dawns on him. “Yes, well, you might have been naked, but I didn’t look.” Now I’m really confused. “Why wouldn’t you look? I looked at you.” Mathiras’s mouth quirks in an almost-smile, like he’s fighting it. “Did you? What did you think?” I don’t want to hurt his feelings and point out that his male parts were floppier than I imagined. “Perhaps we shouldn’t discuss this after all.” He tilts his head, his horns catching one of the flickering lights from a server’s necklace and gleaming. Mathiras squeezes my fingers. “Wait, no. We’re talking about everything, remember? This is part of the process. What did you think of my naked body? Did you find it offensive?” “It wasn’t offensive,” I reassure him. “And I’m sure your penis will work just fine, no matter the size.” His face contorts, and I can’t tell if he’s about to laugh or if he’s choking. “My penis? You had a problem with my penis?” “Yours wobbles a bit more than the ones in the vids. And it’s not nearly as big or hard.” Mathiras’s shoulders hunch and jerk, and I worry he’s going to start crying.”
― Ruby Dixon, Corsairs: Mathiras

“You promised
when we got back to the ship you’d show me how your penis grows.”
Mathiras’s smile turns into a grimace. “There’s a slight problem with
that.”
Oh no. “What’s the problem?”
“I’m afraid I’m already hard.”
My eyes widen. He is? He said it happened when he got aroused. Does
that mean our kisses were all it took? Or was it something else? “Can I
see?”
The look he gives me is so scorching my toes curl. “You really want to
look.”
Of course I do. Why does he even have to ask? I’m so eager to learn
more about him, to learn how sex really is if the vids are all wrong. I know
he’s fixated on going slow, but he doesn’t have to with me. He can show me
everything and how to sex the right way, and I’ll be thrilled. “I’ve seen it
before,” I remind him. “When it was all floppy and small.”
The sound he makes is pained. “Helen, please don’t go around saying
that to anyone else. You’re going to give Adiron far too much ammo if you
do.”
“Why would I give him ammo when I’m talking about your penis?” I
feel like the two don’t have anything to do with one another.
He sucks in a breath. “I’m just gonna say this once, so we get it out
there. We’ve like, measured ours before. When drunk. All brothers do.” He
throws his head back as if he’s talking to the ceiling. “Kef me, I can’t
believe I’m saying this. But my penis isn’t small, Helen. I’m bigger than
Kas and Adiron. A cock just looks different when it’s hard than when it’s
soft.”
“Which is why I want to see it,” I tell him eagerly. “And I don’t care
how big Kas or Adi are. I’m not interested in seeing theirs.” I want to reach
out and touch it, but I don’t have permission so I just give him hopeful
looks.”
― Ruby Dixon, Corsairs: Mathiras

“Oh, I don’t know,” Karen groaned, feeling suddenly very feisty. “I just don’t think anyone with a loose appendage swinging between their legs—which we know corresponds to a loose screw in the brain—could ever be trusted with something as delicate as the well-being of someone not similarly encumbered.”
― Casey Fisher, The Subtle Cause