Codependency Quotes

“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is 'Where am I going?' and the second is 'Who will go with me?'

If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
― Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man

“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label "codependent." They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“The psyche cannot tolerate a vacuum of love. In the severely abused or deprived child, pain, dis-ease, and violance rush in to fill the void. In the average person in our culture, who has been only "normally" deprived of touch, anxiety and an insatiable hunger for posessions replace the missing eros. The child lacking a sense of welcome, joyous belonging, gratuitous security, will learn to hoard the limited supply of affection. According to the law of psychic compensation, not being held leads to holding on, grasping, addiction, posessiveness. Gradually, things replace people as a source of pleasure and security. When the gift of belonging with is denied, the child learns that love means belongin to. To the degree we are arrested at this stage of development, the needy child will dominate our motivations. Other people and things (and there is fundamentally no difference) will be seen as existing solely for the purpose of "my" survival and satisfaction. "Mine" will become the most important word.”
― Sam Keen, The Passionate Life: Stages of Loving

“I HOLD

If I could have had
him,
I could have let
him
go.

But without
the having
there was
nothing—
so to the nothing
I
hold.”
― Coco J. Ginger

“Many of us live in denial of who we truly are because we fear losing someone or something-and there are times that if we don't rock the boat, too often the one we lose is ourselves...It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high of a price to pay.”
― Dennis Merritt Jones

“We Are Lovable
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“You’re what gives me strength. If I am what centers you, Nikki, then you are what anchors me. Every time I touch you, every time I bury myself deep inside you—Nikki, don’t you see?
You are the talisman of my life, and if I lose my grip on you, then I have lost myself.”
― J. Kenner, Complete Me

“A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Once they have been affected---once "it" sets in---codependency takes on a life of its own. It is similar to catching pneumonia or picking up a destructive habit. Once you've got it, you've got it.

If you want to get rid of it, YOU have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“There's always something in it for the person who is allowing to be taken advantage of." Psychotherapist David in Type 1 Sociopath”
― P.A. Speers, Type 1 Sociopath - When Difficult People Are More Than Just Difficult People

“sometimes
i love you means
i want to love you

sometimes
i love you means
i’ll stay a little while longer

sometimes
i love you means
i’m not sure how to leave

sometimes
i love you means
i have nowhere else to go”
― Rupi Kaur, Home Body

“It is one thing to know about your dysfunctional habits but quite another to change them.”
― David W. Earle LPC- Love is Not Enough

“Those highs, even if they were fake and we knew that they wouldn't last forever, felt so real when we were in them. That's where I was now. I just couldn't discern the ephemeral nature of what I was experiencing, and didn't want to. Perhaps what I had with Theo was as synthetic as what Claire had with her men, but it felt so good- how could we ever even care when we were in it?”
― Melissa Broder, The Pisces

“Tears fall down my cheeks while I drive home, trying desperately to process everything. Laura suggested that Mom was abusive. My whole life, my entire existence has been oriented to the narrative that Mom wants what's best for me, Mom does what's best for me, Mom knows what's best for me. Even in the past, when resentments started to creep in or wedges started to come between us, I have checked those resentments and wedges, I have curbed them so that I can move forward with this narrative intact, this narrative that feels essential to my survival.

If Mom really didn't want what's best for me, or do what was best for me, that means my entire life, my entire point of view, and my entire identity have been built on a false foundation. And if my entire life and point of view and identity have been built on a false foundation, confronting that false foundation would mean destroying it and rebuilding a new foundation from the ground up. I have no idea how to go about doing this. I have no idea how to go about life without doing it in the shadow of my mother, without my every move being dictated by her wants, her needs, her approval.”
― Jennette McCurdy, I'm Glad My Mom Died

“Be kind to other people... particularly, to those on whom your survival depends.”
― Mitta Xinindlu

“I think about you all the time. I hear your voice in my head, I rehearse conversations with you, I talk to myself, and imagine I’m talking to you. And I wish you felt like this about me, but I know you don’t and I don’t think you ever will. I think you’re happy giving people your scraps. I think that’s easy for you, and I don’t blame you, because I hate being like this, and I wish I was more like you." pg 168”
― Eliza Clark, Boy Parts

“was i searching for a dancer whose name i did not know, or was i searching for the dancing part of myself?”
― Jeanette Winterson, Sexing the Cherry

“in the bible, only the angels have wings, the rest of us have to wait to be rescued”
― Jeanette Winterson, Sexing the Cherry

“Just because you’re always
willing to work harder
doesn’t mean you should.”
― Vironika Wilde, Love and Gaslight

“…saving ourselves sometimes means hurting others, even if only in small ways, even if only temporarily. It’s mercy math: there’s a cost, but we count, too.”
― Robin Brown, Glitter Saints: The Cosmic Art of Forgiveness, a Memoir

“Once you know how to shift your energy, no one will be able to control your energy!”
― Curtis Tyrone Jones

“The grounds at St. Andrew's were packed with limousines and hundreds of milling guests, dressed in the pastel shades of Easter. I looked absurdly out of place in my black blouse and skirt, but many of the guests were my former clients to whom my severity seemed perfectly natural. My impulse was to flee and head to a bar, the seedier the better, to wipe out this nauseating show of renewal and fine millinery. But before I could make my move, Kenneth, ever vigilant, spotted me through the crowd.”
― Sandi Tan, The Black Isle

“Sometimes he wonders if it is his fate to be controlled by people with the tug of stars, to let himself be pulled into their trouble again and again and learn nothing from it.”
― Alexis Schaitkin, Saint X

“I think about you all the time. I hear your voice in my head, I rehearse conversations with you, I talk to myself, and imagine I’m talking to you. And I wish you felt like this about me, but I know you don’t and I don’t think you ever will. I think you’re happy giving people your scraps. I think that’s easy for you, and I don’t blame you, because I hate being like this, and I wish I was more like you.”
― Eliza Clark, Boy Parts

“Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone what he could and should be doing for himself.

...Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.”
― Allison Bottke, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

“Whatever affects one affects all indirectly.”
― John C. McDowell, The Gospel According to Star Wars: Faith, Hope, and the Force

“Always maintain a separate life that includes hobbies, healthy friendships, some adventures, and self-care while in a relationship. This will make your love connection much more fulfilling.”
― Robin S. Baker

“Asa really wanted her close by his own side, like she always was, giving him the strength to do what he needed to do ... what he was about to do.”
― H. J. Redshaw, Mark Four Hundred