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I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead
In Loving What Is , bestselling author Byron Katie introduced thousands of people to her simple and profound method of finding happiness through questioning the mind. Now, I Need Your Love — Is That True? examines a universal, age-old source of anxiety: our relationships with others. In this groundbreaking book, Katie helps you question everything you have been taught to do to gain love and approval. In doing this, you discover how to find genuine love and connection.
The usual advice offered in self-help books and reinforced by our culture advocates a stressful, all-consuming quest for love and approval. We are advised to learn self-marketing and manipulative skills—how to attract, impress, seduce, and often pretend to be something we aren’t. This approach doesn’t work. It leaves millions of walking wounded—those who, having failed to find love or appreciation, blame themselves and conclude that they are unworthy of love.
I Need Your Love — Is That True? helps you illuminate every area in your life where you seem to lack what you long for most—the love of your spouse, the respect of your child, a lover’s tenderness, or the esteem of your boss. Through its penetrating inquiry, you will quickly discover the falseness of the accepted ways of seeking love and approval, and also of the mythology that equates love with need. Using the method in this book, you will inquire into painful beliefs that you’ve based your whole life on—and be delighted to see them evaporate. Katie shows you how unraveling the knots in the search for love, approval, and appreciation brings real love and puts you in charge of your own happiness.
“Everyone agrees that love is wonderful, except when it’s terrible. People spend their whole lives tantalized by love—seeking it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to get over it. Not far behind love, as major preoccupations, come approval and appreciation. From childhood on, most people spend much of their energy in a relentless pursuit of these things, trying out different methods to be noticed, to please, to impress, and to win other people’s love, thinking that’s just the way life is. This effort can become so constant and unquestioned that we barely notice it anymore.
This book takes a close look at what works and what doesn’t in the quest for love and approval. It will help you find a way to be happier in love and more effective in all your relationships. What you learn here will bring fulfillment to all kinds of relationships, including romantic love, dating, marriage, work, and friendship.” —Byron Katie
The usual advice offered in self-help books and reinforced by our culture advocates a stressful, all-consuming quest for love and approval. We are advised to learn self-marketing and manipulative skills—how to attract, impress, seduce, and often pretend to be something we aren’t. This approach doesn’t work. It leaves millions of walking wounded—those who, having failed to find love or appreciation, blame themselves and conclude that they are unworthy of love.
I Need Your Love — Is That True? helps you illuminate every area in your life where you seem to lack what you long for most—the love of your spouse, the respect of your child, a lover’s tenderness, or the esteem of your boss. Through its penetrating inquiry, you will quickly discover the falseness of the accepted ways of seeking love and approval, and also of the mythology that equates love with need. Using the method in this book, you will inquire into painful beliefs that you’ve based your whole life on—and be delighted to see them evaporate. Katie shows you how unraveling the knots in the search for love, approval, and appreciation brings real love and puts you in charge of your own happiness.
“Everyone agrees that love is wonderful, except when it’s terrible. People spend their whole lives tantalized by love—seeking it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to get over it. Not far behind love, as major preoccupations, come approval and appreciation. From childhood on, most people spend much of their energy in a relentless pursuit of these things, trying out different methods to be noticed, to please, to impress, and to win other people’s love, thinking that’s just the way life is. This effort can become so constant and unquestioned that we barely notice it anymore.
This book takes a close look at what works and what doesn’t in the quest for love and approval. It will help you find a way to be happier in love and more effective in all your relationships. What you learn here will bring fulfillment to all kinds of relationships, including romantic love, dating, marriage, work, and friendship.” —Byron Katie
288 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2005
About the author
Byron Katie
87 books1,086 followersByron Kathleen Mitchell, better known as Byron Katie, is an American speaker, writer, and founder of a method of self-inquiry called The Work of Byron Katie or simply The Work.
Katie became severely depressed in her early thirties. She was a businesswoman and mother who lived in Barstow, a small town in the high desert of southern California. For nearly a decade she spiraled down into paranoia, rage, self-loathing, and constant thoughts of suicide; for the last two years she was often unable to leave her bedroom. Then, one morning in February 1986, while in a halfway house for women with eating disorders, she experienced a life-changing realization. In that moment, she says,
Soon afterward people started seeking her out and asking how they could find the freedom that they saw in her. As reports spread about the transformations they felt they were experiencing through The Work, she was invited to present it publicly elsewhere in California, then throughout the United States, and eventually in Europe and across the world.
The Work has been compared to the Socratic method and to Zen meditation, but Katie is not aligned with any religion or tradition. She describes self-inquiry as an embodiment, in words, of the wordless questioning that had woken up in her on that February morning. She has shared The Work with millions of people at public events, in prisons, hospitals, churches, V. A. treatment centers, corporations, universities, and schools. Participants at her weekend workshops, the nine-day School for The Work, and the twenty-eight-day residential Turnaround House report profound experiences and lasting transformations. “Katie’s events are riveting to watch,” the Times of London reported. Eckhart Tolle calls The Work “a great blessing for our planet.” And Time magazine named Katie a “spiritual innovator for the new millennium.”
Katie is married to the writer and translator Stephen Mitchell, who co-wrote Loving What Is, A Thousand Names for Joy, and A Mind at Home with Itself. I Need Your Love—Is That True? was written with Michael Katz, her literary agent at the time. Her other books are Question Your Thinking, Change The World; Who Would You Be Without Your Story?; Peace in the Present Moment, with Eckhart Tolle, A Friendly Universe, and, for children, Tiger-Tiger, Is It True? and The Four Questions. On her website thework.com, you will find detailed instructions about The Work; video and audio clips; Katie's calendar of events; event registration; free downloads, including the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet; interviews; apps for your iPhone, iPad, or Android; a free newsletter; a free helpline; and the online store. You might also want to visit Katie's Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook pages, and her live-streaming webcast page, livewithbyronkatie.com.
Katie became severely depressed in her early thirties. She was a businesswoman and mother who lived in Barstow, a small town in the high desert of southern California. For nearly a decade she spiraled down into paranoia, rage, self-loathing, and constant thoughts of suicide; for the last two years she was often unable to leave her bedroom. Then, one morning in February 1986, while in a halfway house for women with eating disorders, she experienced a life-changing realization. In that moment, she says,
I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment.
Soon afterward people started seeking her out and asking how they could find the freedom that they saw in her. As reports spread about the transformations they felt they were experiencing through The Work, she was invited to present it publicly elsewhere in California, then throughout the United States, and eventually in Europe and across the world.
The Work has been compared to the Socratic method and to Zen meditation, but Katie is not aligned with any religion or tradition. She describes self-inquiry as an embodiment, in words, of the wordless questioning that had woken up in her on that February morning. She has shared The Work with millions of people at public events, in prisons, hospitals, churches, V. A. treatment centers, corporations, universities, and schools. Participants at her weekend workshops, the nine-day School for The Work, and the twenty-eight-day residential Turnaround House report profound experiences and lasting transformations. “Katie’s events are riveting to watch,” the Times of London reported. Eckhart Tolle calls The Work “a great blessing for our planet.” And Time magazine named Katie a “spiritual innovator for the new millennium.”
Katie is married to the writer and translator Stephen Mitchell, who co-wrote Loving What Is, A Thousand Names for Joy, and A Mind at Home with Itself. I Need Your Love—Is That True? was written with Michael Katz, her literary agent at the time. Her other books are Question Your Thinking, Change The World; Who Would You Be Without Your Story?; Peace in the Present Moment, with Eckhart Tolle, A Friendly Universe, and, for children, Tiger-Tiger, Is It True? and The Four Questions. On her website thework.com, you will find detailed instructions about The Work; video and audio clips; Katie's calendar of events; event registration; free downloads, including the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet; interviews; apps for your iPhone, iPad, or Android; a free newsletter; a free helpline; and the online store. You might also want to visit Katie's Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook pages, and her live-streaming webcast page, livewithbyronkatie.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 212 reviews
October 29, 2008
I debated putting this book on my profile because I found the title a little embarrassing. But then I realized the irony of that thought. This book is about how you project what other people are thinking of you and how harmful that process is. So my embarrassment about reading this book had to do with fear that my GoodReads friends would think that I'm weak and clueless about relationships if I was caught reading such a book. So if I deny reading this book, I would have learned nothing from it. This leaves me no choice but to put it on my list unabashedly. So here it is.
I actually listened to it as an audio book, which I'm not sure I suggest. The author is a little effusive, which can be off-putting. I started to get annoyed that she called everyone "sweetheart" but she is otherwise very sincere.
Once you get past delivery, there is a lot of good to come out of this book. You realize how much you assume what other people might think or feel about you when you have no empirical proof of that. I love the constant questioning of "Who would I be without that thought?" There is so much I want to get rid of based on this theory. I will probably refer to this book and process intermittently. I'm really grateful for it.
I actually listened to it as an audio book, which I'm not sure I suggest. The author is a little effusive, which can be off-putting. I started to get annoyed that she called everyone "sweetheart" but she is otherwise very sincere.
Once you get past delivery, there is a lot of good to come out of this book. You realize how much you assume what other people might think or feel about you when you have no empirical proof of that. I love the constant questioning of "Who would I be without that thought?" There is so much I want to get rid of based on this theory. I will probably refer to this book and process intermittently. I'm really grateful for it.
December 19, 2012
3 ½ stars. Some good ideas. Some are common sense but good reminders.
The difference between self-help books and therapy is that self-help books can raise your consciousness, but they do not apply specifically to you, your situation, and your history - the way therapy would.
MAIN IDEAS IN THIS BOOK.
1. Everyone wants approval and appreciation from others - even strangers. Everyone wants to be loved.
Example: a guy brings a magazine to a doctor’s office. He sets it on the table in the waiting room. When he leaves he picks it up to take with him but he tells the other patients “I brought this with me when I came.” He doesn’t want strangers to think bad of him.
When others are talking and you want to interrupt, it’s because you want to say something to impress them. You want them to think you are smart or attractive or funny or other. But the bottom line is they rarely give you the appreciation you crave. You must give that to yourself. Don’t expect others to pat you on the back and be impressed. Your greatest happiness is from your internal feelings, not from being loved or approved by others. You need to be honest with yourself. Do things that make you proud of yourself and happy with yourself. Don’t do things you don’t want to do. Be comfortable saying no.
2. In relationships, especially with your spouse, be honest. A happy marriage is when she can say I want you to enjoy going to the races without me. I will attend my poetry event. We can meet for dinner later. The goal is to love your spouse and truly want their happiness and not require them to do things they don’t want to do.
3. When your spouse criticizes you, agree with it. Say I hear you. You could be right.
4. Your own fears are due to erroneous thoughts. The author has a set of questions to help you see the truth. These questions are to be used whenever a thought causes you fear, hopelessness, or frustration.
Examples: You waved at a man and he did not wave back. You fear he thinks something negative about you. But maybe he wasn’t wearing his glasses and did not see you. Your husband doesn’t say hello when you walk into the room. You fear he doesn’t love you anymore. Maybe he loves you but was really engrossed in the newspaper.
The author’s questions are the following:
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
How do I react when I believe that thought?
How do I treat others and myself when I believe that thought?
Who would I be without that thought?
Then, turn around the thought and find three ways in which the opposite is truer or as true as your original statement. For example.
Original statement: He doesn’t like me.
The turn around statement: He does like me.
Three ways the turn around is true: He did not see me because he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He did a favor for me yesterday. He said something nice to me recently.
MY OPINIONS:
Item 1.
I’M DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT AS A RESULT OF READING THIS BOOK --- HOW I TREAT OTHERS:
I’m smiling more at others. I’m trying to give approval and appreciation to others. When in doubt I’m quieter, asking questions, and listening more. The point of the book is I should do things that have me appreciating myself. I like that idea because it gives me comfort and justification for being selfish and for doing things that I want to do. But at the moment, the reverse thought of how I treat others is more valuable to me.
Item 1 - another thought. I know one person who does not care what strangers would think if he took a magazine, but he does care about what potential customers think of him. So it’s not exactly everyone in every situation.
Item 3. I don’t think this should be done if one has a verbally abusive spouse. When an abuser criticizes and insults, the recipient needs to refuse to accept it, stand up to it, and fight back (verbally).
Item 4. People who are clinically depressed probably need more help than what is proposed in item 4.
Other:
The author’s use of sweetheart and honey to people asking questions was distracting and felt uncomfortable. These words put the author in a Parent role and the rest of us in the Child role.
The narrator Kimberly Farr was excellent.
DATA:
Unabridged audiobook length: 6 hrs and 47 mins. No swearing or sexual content. Book copyright: 2005. Genre: self-help psychology.
The difference between self-help books and therapy is that self-help books can raise your consciousness, but they do not apply specifically to you, your situation, and your history - the way therapy would.
MAIN IDEAS IN THIS BOOK.
1. Everyone wants approval and appreciation from others - even strangers. Everyone wants to be loved.
Example: a guy brings a magazine to a doctor’s office. He sets it on the table in the waiting room. When he leaves he picks it up to take with him but he tells the other patients “I brought this with me when I came.” He doesn’t want strangers to think bad of him.
When others are talking and you want to interrupt, it’s because you want to say something to impress them. You want them to think you are smart or attractive or funny or other. But the bottom line is they rarely give you the appreciation you crave. You must give that to yourself. Don’t expect others to pat you on the back and be impressed. Your greatest happiness is from your internal feelings, not from being loved or approved by others. You need to be honest with yourself. Do things that make you proud of yourself and happy with yourself. Don’t do things you don’t want to do. Be comfortable saying no.
2. In relationships, especially with your spouse, be honest. A happy marriage is when she can say I want you to enjoy going to the races without me. I will attend my poetry event. We can meet for dinner later. The goal is to love your spouse and truly want their happiness and not require them to do things they don’t want to do.
3. When your spouse criticizes you, agree with it. Say I hear you. You could be right.
4. Your own fears are due to erroneous thoughts. The author has a set of questions to help you see the truth. These questions are to be used whenever a thought causes you fear, hopelessness, or frustration.
Examples: You waved at a man and he did not wave back. You fear he thinks something negative about you. But maybe he wasn’t wearing his glasses and did not see you. Your husband doesn’t say hello when you walk into the room. You fear he doesn’t love you anymore. Maybe he loves you but was really engrossed in the newspaper.
The author’s questions are the following:
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
How do I react when I believe that thought?
How do I treat others and myself when I believe that thought?
Who would I be without that thought?
Then, turn around the thought and find three ways in which the opposite is truer or as true as your original statement. For example.
Original statement: He doesn’t like me.
The turn around statement: He does like me.
Three ways the turn around is true: He did not see me because he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He did a favor for me yesterday. He said something nice to me recently.
MY OPINIONS:
Item 1.
I’M DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT AS A RESULT OF READING THIS BOOK --- HOW I TREAT OTHERS:
I’m smiling more at others. I’m trying to give approval and appreciation to others. When in doubt I’m quieter, asking questions, and listening more. The point of the book is I should do things that have me appreciating myself. I like that idea because it gives me comfort and justification for being selfish and for doing things that I want to do. But at the moment, the reverse thought of how I treat others is more valuable to me.
Item 1 - another thought. I know one person who does not care what strangers would think if he took a magazine, but he does care about what potential customers think of him. So it’s not exactly everyone in every situation.
Item 3. I don’t think this should be done if one has a verbally abusive spouse. When an abuser criticizes and insults, the recipient needs to refuse to accept it, stand up to it, and fight back (verbally).
Item 4. People who are clinically depressed probably need more help than what is proposed in item 4.
Other:
The author’s use of sweetheart and honey to people asking questions was distracting and felt uncomfortable. These words put the author in a Parent role and the rest of us in the Child role.
The narrator Kimberly Farr was excellent.
DATA:
Unabridged audiobook length: 6 hrs and 47 mins. No swearing or sexual content. Book copyright: 2005. Genre: self-help psychology.
June 3, 2017
I very randomly stumbled on this book and expected it to be hokey and wishy washy and weird, especially with the first phrase in the title. Rather, it is one of the most helpful self-help books I've encountered, and as someone well versed in the genre, that's saying something.
The most valuable concept I picked up from this book was the word "unstuckness." The author explains that often, when we have a strong feeling about soemthing, we can't see any other possibility. The example given was that your boyfriend was offered a job 1000 miles away. Our brains seize on how that's horrible, unacceptable, just bad, bad, bad. She invites us to try to get unstuck by coming up with even ONE genuine reason to offer true support.
For someone like me, who can become obsessive over some negative/anxious thoughts/fears, that's a helpful tactic simply articulated that I can understand and start putting into practice. For that alone, I'm a huge fan of this book. I have struggled with the need for attention, approval, validation, etc, all my life and I'm too old for that shit. At some point you have to grow out of it. I can see myself using this book often as a reference to do just that.
The most valuable concept I picked up from this book was the word "unstuckness." The author explains that often, when we have a strong feeling about soemthing, we can't see any other possibility. The example given was that your boyfriend was offered a job 1000 miles away. Our brains seize on how that's horrible, unacceptable, just bad, bad, bad. She invites us to try to get unstuck by coming up with even ONE genuine reason to offer true support.
For someone like me, who can become obsessive over some negative/anxious thoughts/fears, that's a helpful tactic simply articulated that I can understand and start putting into practice. For that alone, I'm a huge fan of this book. I have struggled with the need for attention, approval, validation, etc, all my life and I'm too old for that shit. At some point you have to grow out of it. I can see myself using this book often as a reference to do just that.
February 18, 2012
I was in a bit of a funk this evening. A lot of a funk, actually. I got my first MA essay results back, and I wasn't happy with them. At all. And I blamed everyone else for how horrid I felt. And then I stumbled on this tucked away in the recesses of my Kindle: I read Loving What Is a while ago. I don't remember picking this up, but I do remember finding Byron Katie's work powerful and helpful, even if I didn't agree with it.
A lot of the issues I wasn't happy with in Loving What Is seem to be addressed here. I felt more comfortable with it, anyway. There is one part where she essentially says that for a woman to stay with a man who hits her, she's hurting herself through his fists. I don't think she means that a woman who stays with a man who hits her is hurt through her own fault; she's saying that the woman doesn't leave that relationship because of the things she's telling herself, which might include the idea that she deserves it. Something within herself is holding her back from leaving -- fear, self-hatred, whatever -- and that isn't her fault. It just is.
I can see how that would make people uncomfortable, and how it is victim blaming in a sense. But there's something empowering in realising that a lot of what is holding you back is you, yourself.
This book is mainly about relationships, and given that I have a lot of issues with friendship and family, I think it's probably been quite helpful. The idea of the turnaround is maybe the best part. I was upset because my mother was disappointed in me -- the original thought. I was upset because I was disappointed in me -- a turnaround: I'd expected better, I'd wanted to be perfect first time round, I couldn't accept that my mark was still perfectly acceptable, even good. Another turnaround: I wasn't upset because my mother was disappointed in me -- that's just the way she is, and I love her the way she is. She can't be any other way.
And maybe the most true: my mother isn't disappointed in me. When I think about it, she might not like my low marks, but she read the essays and thought they were wonderful. She does believe in me, she thinks I can do no wrong. She probably thinks that the markers were stupid for not understanding my line of argument.
"The Work", as Byron Katie calls it, doesn't solve things all in one go. But even just stopping and asking yourself if a thought is true and then turning it around to see other things that might be true, once in a while, can really help.
A lot of the issues I wasn't happy with in Loving What Is seem to be addressed here. I felt more comfortable with it, anyway. There is one part where she essentially says that for a woman to stay with a man who hits her, she's hurting herself through his fists. I don't think she means that a woman who stays with a man who hits her is hurt through her own fault; she's saying that the woman doesn't leave that relationship because of the things she's telling herself, which might include the idea that she deserves it. Something within herself is holding her back from leaving -- fear, self-hatred, whatever -- and that isn't her fault. It just is.
I can see how that would make people uncomfortable, and how it is victim blaming in a sense. But there's something empowering in realising that a lot of what is holding you back is you, yourself.
This book is mainly about relationships, and given that I have a lot of issues with friendship and family, I think it's probably been quite helpful. The idea of the turnaround is maybe the best part. I was upset because my mother was disappointed in me -- the original thought. I was upset because I was disappointed in me -- a turnaround: I'd expected better, I'd wanted to be perfect first time round, I couldn't accept that my mark was still perfectly acceptable, even good. Another turnaround: I wasn't upset because my mother was disappointed in me -- that's just the way she is, and I love her the way she is. She can't be any other way.
And maybe the most true: my mother isn't disappointed in me. When I think about it, she might not like my low marks, but she read the essays and thought they were wonderful. She does believe in me, she thinks I can do no wrong. She probably thinks that the markers were stupid for not understanding my line of argument.
"The Work", as Byron Katie calls it, doesn't solve things all in one go. But even just stopping and asking yourself if a thought is true and then turning it around to see other things that might be true, once in a while, can really help.
May 6, 2020
This book came into my life like a healing angel when I just had a very heartbroken and confusing week with an ex-lover.
When it comes to love and romance, men and boys and being with them, I am completely hopelessly helpless; when I'm loved my world has singing butterflies, smiling unicorns dancing in rainbow colored cotton candies, there are hopes for tomorrow and a smile on my face all day; but when I feel neglected, my world's a dead place, I don't even have a world, or a life, or anything, I live in the blackhole of eternal emptiness. I can feel one way or the other in a day, it's just that dramatic.
Such extreme moodswing is probably not healthy, and the worse is that I CAN look tough, I CAN act strong, so I tend to keep a lot of emotions inside and I never used my tears as a weapon or a tool to get me anything. Pity is not what I need, LOVE is!
But do we REALLY, NEED, LOVE?
That's what the book's about. People cry and die, kick and scream when they don't get the love that they think they NEED, but why bother, end your suffering! Acknowledge that we DON'T NEED that person to love us, ultimately, we just gotta love ourselves first.
When in times of fear and doubts and bullshit, it is SO HARD to remind self that we still have ourselves and a whole world to love. This book guides you to turn things around and get your power back, to stand up with your head held high again. You don't have to feel small, you shouldn't feel less, you don't need that one person, ok?
When it comes to love and romance, men and boys and being with them, I am completely hopelessly helpless; when I'm loved my world has singing butterflies, smiling unicorns dancing in rainbow colored cotton candies, there are hopes for tomorrow and a smile on my face all day; but when I feel neglected, my world's a dead place, I don't even have a world, or a life, or anything, I live in the blackhole of eternal emptiness. I can feel one way or the other in a day, it's just that dramatic.
Such extreme moodswing is probably not healthy, and the worse is that I CAN look tough, I CAN act strong, so I tend to keep a lot of emotions inside and I never used my tears as a weapon or a tool to get me anything. Pity is not what I need, LOVE is!
But do we REALLY, NEED, LOVE?
That's what the book's about. People cry and die, kick and scream when they don't get the love that they think they NEED, but why bother, end your suffering! Acknowledge that we DON'T NEED that person to love us, ultimately, we just gotta love ourselves first.
When in times of fear and doubts and bullshit, it is SO HARD to remind self that we still have ourselves and a whole world to love. This book guides you to turn things around and get your power back, to stand up with your head held high again. You don't have to feel small, you shouldn't feel less, you don't need that one person, ok?
November 13, 2015
This book helped me to recognize how my thoughts have affected every single relationship I have...even the one I have with myself. I discovered I am the one who has control over how the world sees me. And really what the world thinks really doesn't matter. All this time I have projected my own thoughts of self doubt, thoughts of not being good enough, or smart enough, or liked enough, or loved the right way, or whatever the thought was...I have projected my thoughts onto what I thought others thought of me. I ultimately believed those thoughts because I was the one telling myself I wasn't all of the things I wanted to be or what I wanted others to think I was. It is kind of complicated to explain. A lot of the thought process going on was going on in a sort of subconscious kind of way. But at least now I recognize it and can work on changing the way I think about things.
In the book, Byron Katie has you ask yourself four questions about any thought you might have. You ask yourself:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that its true?
3. How do I react when I think this thought?
4. Who or what would I be without the thought?
Then she teaches you how to turn the thought around.
More than half of the time, when I used the four question process to analyze a thought, I found what I was telling myself in that thought wasn't even true. By recognizing that it wasn't even true changed the pattern of thoughts that followed each thought I had.
I have realized so many things about myself by reading this book. I feel like I am now living my life with a whole new perspective. I have already seen a huge difference in my relationship with my husband, because I have changed the way I see that relationship...or rather how I " thought" things were.
The funny thing is I wasn't even going to list this book on my good reads updates or even share it on my blog, for fear of what people would think of me, but then I realized I was making my thoughts my reality again. I was telling myself a story that people won't accept me for me. People will think I don't know how to have a good relationship with others and so on. The thoughts of what a critic may say were just a flooding in. Then I took those thoughts and went through the inquiry process as Katie calls it. It is me that tells myself what others will think. No one has actually thought that. But if they do, the other empowering thing this book does is helps you realize you don't need the approval of others. You can be okay with you how you are and you how you want to be.
Ultimately the book has helped me to be okay with the way I am. I am okay to be me. It is okay if I am different from you and you and you. It has been quite liberating really. I feel a breath of fresh air in my mind and spirit. For so long I have had the thought, and this goes deep. Even back to when I was the littlest girl. I have always told myself if I don't do things the way everyone else thinks I should do them, then it isn't the right way. Now I can't say this is for everything in my life, but a large majority of things I did was based on this thought I created of myself. I have always questioned myself or my decisions because I have worried about what kind of criticism I may get from that decision, so I for the most part steered clear of rash decisions or drastic changes, even if it was a change I wanted. Oh there is so much more I could say about my self assessment from reading this book, but those are the big ones I am taking on right now. Little by little I am changing the way I think about things, people, relationships, myself, my children, my husband, my life.
Definitely a good read. I think I will be buying this one for Dave to read to. Then we can both work on "inquiry" when we may disagree on something or if I feel hurt or threatened by something he may say or if he feels that way.
In the book, Byron Katie has you ask yourself four questions about any thought you might have. You ask yourself:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that its true?
3. How do I react when I think this thought?
4. Who or what would I be without the thought?
Then she teaches you how to turn the thought around.
More than half of the time, when I used the four question process to analyze a thought, I found what I was telling myself in that thought wasn't even true. By recognizing that it wasn't even true changed the pattern of thoughts that followed each thought I had.
I have realized so many things about myself by reading this book. I feel like I am now living my life with a whole new perspective. I have already seen a huge difference in my relationship with my husband, because I have changed the way I see that relationship...or rather how I " thought" things were.
The funny thing is I wasn't even going to list this book on my good reads updates or even share it on my blog, for fear of what people would think of me, but then I realized I was making my thoughts my reality again. I was telling myself a story that people won't accept me for me. People will think I don't know how to have a good relationship with others and so on. The thoughts of what a critic may say were just a flooding in. Then I took those thoughts and went through the inquiry process as Katie calls it. It is me that tells myself what others will think. No one has actually thought that. But if they do, the other empowering thing this book does is helps you realize you don't need the approval of others. You can be okay with you how you are and you how you want to be.
Ultimately the book has helped me to be okay with the way I am. I am okay to be me. It is okay if I am different from you and you and you. It has been quite liberating really. I feel a breath of fresh air in my mind and spirit. For so long I have had the thought, and this goes deep. Even back to when I was the littlest girl. I have always told myself if I don't do things the way everyone else thinks I should do them, then it isn't the right way. Now I can't say this is for everything in my life, but a large majority of things I did was based on this thought I created of myself. I have always questioned myself or my decisions because I have worried about what kind of criticism I may get from that decision, so I for the most part steered clear of rash decisions or drastic changes, even if it was a change I wanted. Oh there is so much more I could say about my self assessment from reading this book, but those are the big ones I am taking on right now. Little by little I am changing the way I think about things, people, relationships, myself, my children, my husband, my life.
Definitely a good read. I think I will be buying this one for Dave to read to. Then we can both work on "inquiry" when we may disagree on something or if I feel hurt or threatened by something he may say or if he feels that way.
February 23, 2016
This is a great book, but it definitely needs to be read after "Loving What Is". It is, in a way, a reminder of how "The Work" works, but it goes more in depth with personal relationships. I don't know that I could ever react in a calm, collected, non-sarcastic way when dealing with some of the scenarios presented in this book, but I suppose that Katie is offering the ideal to work toward. My favorite concept in this book is to try to focus on what behaviors we do to gain approval or love from others, and eliminate them in an effort to be more authentic. If you are manipulating your behavior to gain approval or acceptance, your love is false. BE YOURSELF.
March 26, 2017
It's not that this is a terrible book. It's just that it might be terrible for some. The problem with Byron Katie's method of inquiry (which she has called "The Work") is that she believes it to be a panacea. Surely it can be effective for some, perhaps even many (though there is no data to indicate just how many). But it can potentially venture into victim blaming territory, and becomes absolutely cringe-worthy when she discusses it being used with victims of trauma and even abuse. Read this one with Katie's own system of inquiry, as in, "Ms. Katie, is this true that this works for everyone? Do you know for sure??" and find yourself more than a little sceptical.
Read
February 8, 2013It has been a couple of weeks since I finished this book, and like many others, it has CHANGED MY LIFE!!! (I've said the same thing about other books before, but isn't it wonderful there are so many life-changing books out there?!) I have been ridiculously happy ever since! (and yes, there have been a couple of tests!) I'm starting to wonder if it's even possible for my heart to have any more love and joy than it already has! I wholeheartedly believe that if more people did The Work, and questioned their negative thoughts like Byron Katie teaches, the world would be a happier and peaceful place. Give yourself a gift of love and read this book! :)
April 10, 2009
UM, OK Byron Katie is a genius. She's done what so many have failed to do, which is to elucidate a clear pathway from unhappiness to happiness with a few easy questions. This book is an expansion on her previous work, "Loving What IS"...which is the closest thing to a bible for me really. I've never heard more clearly the logical reasoning behind life's greatest emotional dissapointments, struggles, and fears...and I don't think I can do it justice to summarize any part. Therefore, I recommend everyone I know to read this book ASAP...I'm not joking. It's amazing!!!
April 7, 2024
I will never not 5 star any of byron katie’s work. her process is about as simple and undeniable as an approach to living an honest life can be. Her balance of reminding us we are Love itself while not letting us shy away from uncomfortable truths aligns itself in a perfectly streamlined method of self inquiry. She is gentle, tough and encouraging, when most therapists (while she is not one, but a teacher) are just enabling. I am forever grateful for the 8 years of my life that I have lived exposed to BK, and even more grateful for my open mindedness in the past year that has allowed me to truly grow in the work.
January 30, 2021
Enjoyed the start of the book and the 4 questions the author provided to think about - if you have a stressful thought, but I couldn’t connect with her approach to all situations she mentioned.
November 19, 2019
Starts off ok, then descends into oversimplifications and possible idiocy. They had great casting of the loser male and sad female voices.
This focuses on people who are excessively people pleasers, but can apply to most in general, teaching people to release these excuses for their behaviour or their framing of problems. It felt somewhat Adlerian in scope. However, it seemed to take these ideas to an unhealthy extreme. Some examples:
If a woman's husband is sleeping around, is it really only his business? If my husband gets herpes, passes on to me, then it is my business! Completely retreating from responsibility of others (a common theme) seems impractical. Through guided discussion she finds these fanciful solutions, but completely neglects to consider any of the consequences!
My biggest resentment comes when she talks to people, convincing them that they should perhaps leave their spouse if the spouse refuses to change. The extreme turnarounds are manipulative, and not constructive, threats of the worse possible outcome, often positional instead of practical. Look, my marriage is not perfect. We have arguments. But despite the threats that accompany the arguments, and the self-destructive carry-throughs that sometimes occur, the marriage has worked and is stronger because we fight for things; we fight to make the relationship better!
I wish the author had more fully described turning it around, as it seems it could be badly misused. Further, if talking about abuse victims, "I need my husband not to hit me," most of the turnarounds seem like victim blaming. There were a lot of cringy moments.
Overall, I liked the careful self-examination of situations, attempting to see if the person could actually be believing the wrong thing by turning it around. However, I dislike the lack of nuance, the black and white possibilities that only one thing could be true, when in fact multiple conflicting things could be true at the same time. I agree that emotions can cloud one's framing of a problem, but disagree that turning it around won't lead to a similar unbalanced emotional response. The reverse of a situation is not without its own problems, yet undiscovered.
There's something here. Maybe the book doesn't do it justice.
This focuses on people who are excessively people pleasers, but can apply to most in general, teaching people to release these excuses for their behaviour or their framing of problems. It felt somewhat Adlerian in scope. However, it seemed to take these ideas to an unhealthy extreme. Some examples:
If a woman's husband is sleeping around, is it really only his business? If my husband gets herpes, passes on to me, then it is my business! Completely retreating from responsibility of others (a common theme) seems impractical. Through guided discussion she finds these fanciful solutions, but completely neglects to consider any of the consequences!
My biggest resentment comes when she talks to people, convincing them that they should perhaps leave their spouse if the spouse refuses to change. The extreme turnarounds are manipulative, and not constructive, threats of the worse possible outcome, often positional instead of practical. Look, my marriage is not perfect. We have arguments. But despite the threats that accompany the arguments, and the self-destructive carry-throughs that sometimes occur, the marriage has worked and is stronger because we fight for things; we fight to make the relationship better!
I wish the author had more fully described turning it around, as it seems it could be badly misused. Further, if talking about abuse victims, "I need my husband not to hit me," most of the turnarounds seem like victim blaming. There were a lot of cringy moments.
Overall, I liked the careful self-examination of situations, attempting to see if the person could actually be believing the wrong thing by turning it around. However, I dislike the lack of nuance, the black and white possibilities that only one thing could be true, when in fact multiple conflicting things could be true at the same time. I agree that emotions can cloud one's framing of a problem, but disagree that turning it around won't lead to a similar unbalanced emotional response. The reverse of a situation is not without its own problems, yet undiscovered.
There's something here. Maybe the book doesn't do it justice.
February 23, 2021
In my opinion the questions you ask yourself in „The Work“ are dangerous. It might work in a few cases but in a lot of cases it might lead to gaslighting yourself. Especially when your partner is abusive and you haven‘t realized it yet. I think it‘s always better to not be alone with your thoughts. Just talk to your partner, friends or a therapist. If your friends or therapist say you partner is abusive, leave! They won‘t change. The glimpses of hope are a lie in most cases, they just manipulate you to stay in the abusive relationship. When your partner is loving and not abusive it helps to share the thoughts you project on them and talk about them together.
Additionally I didn‘t like how she belittled the people who she interviewed by calling them honey/sweetie (not sure if they are the right English words, I read the German translation). This is a no go for me.
Additionally I didn‘t like how she belittled the people who she interviewed by calling them honey/sweetie (not sure if they are the right English words, I read the German translation). This is a no go for me.
April 24, 2012
So, the things that you most want to hide from people are the things that you most want to tell people.
March 21, 2017
this woman is psychotic. her advice is dangerous, and this should come with a warning that the advice is only applicable to people who are highly self-aware to start with.
June 28, 2017
Really powerful book. This book and Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life really have changed my life. That one, I devoured in a few days. This one, I lingered over, got stuck in, reread parts of, jumped around, and generally took as a long journey. I probably spent three months just procrastinating the Apology Letter exercise. But I guess I finally did it exactly when I needed to. :)
I used to be very concerned about other people's approval, thinking I desperately needed their love. This book has helped me reduce that by a LOT. I think it's a lifetime journey, but I didn't even know where to start before I read this. Reading this and doing the exercises have helped immensely. Highly recommended!
...
Reread in 2017: I noticed I was seeking approval way too much from my business coach, so I got this book out again--just in time to detach from a guy who was not that into me. Such a helpful book!
Highlights:
They work best when, just for a moment, you put aside your desire for relief from pain and do them in the spirit of a search for truth. Relief will come quickly if you can find what is really true, not for other people but for you.Read more at location 212
Heaven: “This is wonderful. I could stay here forever.” Hell: “This is not quite perfect.”Read more at location 300
a list of five things you think love will bring you.Read more at location 335
Note: security. feeling good. companionship and feeling part of something. support/help when im sad or sick or troubled.feeling like im where i belong and doing life correctly. Edit
Politeness and tact are supposed to be about consideration for others. But notice how often they are really about trying to control the impression you make.Read more at location 701
When you’re being polite, are you living your part or just playing it? The difference to notice here is the difference it makes to you.Read more at location 703
When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.Read more at location 766
But once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don’t have to do anything for love. It was all an innocent misunderstanding. When you want to impress people and win their approval, you’re like a child who says, “Look at me! Look at me!” It all comes down to a needy child. When you can love that child and embrace it yourself, the seeking is over.Read more at location 770
God: “You’re okay. I’m glad I made you.”Read more at location 937
“Falling in love” is a powerful experience. If you look back, you may remember it as a moment when you stopped seeking. You stopped because you thought you’d found what you were looking for. Your mind was no longer filled with the effort, the desperation, of seeking. What you found is what you had in the corner of the playground and never really lost. But now you think it’s coming from another person, someone who is “the one.”Read more at location 1024
This book could have been called The Two Major Universal Whoppers About Love. We looked at one of the whoppers in the chapter about approval seeking: “I need to win people over to make them like me” (also known as “I can manipulate your love and approval”). Now we’ve come to the other one: “If you love me, you’ll do what I want.”Read more at location 1228
Knowing the difference between loving someone and wanting him to do what you want doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for what you want. You can, knowing that his answer has nothing to do with his love for you. You’ll discover that asking is much easier when it’s free of hidden agendas.Read more at location 1299
Thank you for asking, and no. I understand, and no. You could be right, and no. I care about you, and no. I can see that it works for you, and no. I want to please you, and no. I’m frightened to say no to you, please support me, and the answer is no for now. I don’t know yet. Please ask me later.Read more at location 1321
This woman was absolutely convinced that her husband was terminally uncommunicative and that she was going to leave him.Read more at location 2542
When the worst thing that could happen has happened, people will tell you (if you dare to ask) that living with the fear of it was more painful than the actual event. Often their friends and relatives had a bigger problem with the event than they did. Here is one woman’s experience: When my mother was dying of pancreatic cancer, I lived in her bedroom and slept beside her for four weeks, until she died. I fed her and bathed her and dispensed her drugs, I cooked for her and cherished her. Her breath became my rhythm. We plucked our eyebrows and painted our nails, and we laughed and laughed. We talked about everything that was important to her, and we watched Oprah together. I never had a sweeter time with my mother. When people visited with their stories of how terrible it was that she was dying, I watched her become a cancer victim before my very eyes. She seemed to think it was expected of her. Everyone would be solemn and sad and hushed, until the moment the door closed behind the visitors, and my mother and I would go right back to normal—receiving, giving, crying, and laughing and laughing.Read more at location 2854
When a need becomes painful, use inquiry to question it, and if it still seems true, ask for it: “I need you to remember my birthday and call me. Please write it down in your Day-Timer.” This is living your integrity in that moment.Read more at location 2991
The direct route is to let reality be the guide to your needs: “What I need is what I have.” This is not something to believe; it’s the way things are right now, whether you believe it or not.Read more at location 2993
What’s the worst thing anyone could say about you? That you are very aggressive? Are you sometimes? Well then, they’re right! So the worst thing that could happen is that they’d tell you the truth. Isn’t that what you want?Read more at location 3354
I used to be very concerned about other people's approval, thinking I desperately needed their love. This book has helped me reduce that by a LOT. I think it's a lifetime journey, but I didn't even know where to start before I read this. Reading this and doing the exercises have helped immensely. Highly recommended!
...
Reread in 2017: I noticed I was seeking approval way too much from my business coach, so I got this book out again--just in time to detach from a guy who was not that into me. Such a helpful book!
Highlights:
They work best when, just for a moment, you put aside your desire for relief from pain and do them in the spirit of a search for truth. Relief will come quickly if you can find what is really true, not for other people but for you.Read more at location 212
Heaven: “This is wonderful. I could stay here forever.” Hell: “This is not quite perfect.”Read more at location 300
a list of five things you think love will bring you.Read more at location 335
Note: security. feeling good. companionship and feeling part of something. support/help when im sad or sick or troubled.feeling like im where i belong and doing life correctly. Edit
Politeness and tact are supposed to be about consideration for others. But notice how often they are really about trying to control the impression you make.Read more at location 701
When you’re being polite, are you living your part or just playing it? The difference to notice here is the difference it makes to you.Read more at location 703
When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.Read more at location 766
But once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don’t have to do anything for love. It was all an innocent misunderstanding. When you want to impress people and win their approval, you’re like a child who says, “Look at me! Look at me!” It all comes down to a needy child. When you can love that child and embrace it yourself, the seeking is over.Read more at location 770
God: “You’re okay. I’m glad I made you.”Read more at location 937
“Falling in love” is a powerful experience. If you look back, you may remember it as a moment when you stopped seeking. You stopped because you thought you’d found what you were looking for. Your mind was no longer filled with the effort, the desperation, of seeking. What you found is what you had in the corner of the playground and never really lost. But now you think it’s coming from another person, someone who is “the one.”Read more at location 1024
This book could have been called The Two Major Universal Whoppers About Love. We looked at one of the whoppers in the chapter about approval seeking: “I need to win people over to make them like me” (also known as “I can manipulate your love and approval”). Now we’ve come to the other one: “If you love me, you’ll do what I want.”Read more at location 1228
Knowing the difference between loving someone and wanting him to do what you want doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for what you want. You can, knowing that his answer has nothing to do with his love for you. You’ll discover that asking is much easier when it’s free of hidden agendas.Read more at location 1299
Thank you for asking, and no. I understand, and no. You could be right, and no. I care about you, and no. I can see that it works for you, and no. I want to please you, and no. I’m frightened to say no to you, please support me, and the answer is no for now. I don’t know yet. Please ask me later.Read more at location 1321
This woman was absolutely convinced that her husband was terminally uncommunicative and that she was going to leave him.Read more at location 2542
When the worst thing that could happen has happened, people will tell you (if you dare to ask) that living with the fear of it was more painful than the actual event. Often their friends and relatives had a bigger problem with the event than they did. Here is one woman’s experience: When my mother was dying of pancreatic cancer, I lived in her bedroom and slept beside her for four weeks, until she died. I fed her and bathed her and dispensed her drugs, I cooked for her and cherished her. Her breath became my rhythm. We plucked our eyebrows and painted our nails, and we laughed and laughed. We talked about everything that was important to her, and we watched Oprah together. I never had a sweeter time with my mother. When people visited with their stories of how terrible it was that she was dying, I watched her become a cancer victim before my very eyes. She seemed to think it was expected of her. Everyone would be solemn and sad and hushed, until the moment the door closed behind the visitors, and my mother and I would go right back to normal—receiving, giving, crying, and laughing and laughing.Read more at location 2854
When a need becomes painful, use inquiry to question it, and if it still seems true, ask for it: “I need you to remember my birthday and call me. Please write it down in your Day-Timer.” This is living your integrity in that moment.Read more at location 2991
The direct route is to let reality be the guide to your needs: “What I need is what I have.” This is not something to believe; it’s the way things are right now, whether you believe it or not.Read more at location 2993
What’s the worst thing anyone could say about you? That you are very aggressive? Are you sometimes? Well then, they’re right! So the worst thing that could happen is that they’d tell you the truth. Isn’t that what you want?Read more at location 3354
June 27, 2023
the author’s process of questioning troubling thoughts is immensely helpful—it is essentially a form of cognitive reframing but explained in a very easy and accessible format. The trouble with some of the anecdotes that she shares, at least for me, comes when the lines between taking accountability for one’s thoughts and victim blaming are blurred. Although to her credit, she does state that inquiry should not be used as a way to justify abusive relationships, it still feels sometimes that she puts too much of the blame on the person who has the troubling thoughts, for example, the woman with a cheating husband and others who are trying to heal from difficult relationships with their parents.
Overall, this book was a very helpful read, and the exercises and worksheet in the back really aid in applying what she teaches. I also really enjoyed her section about practicing active listening and her thoughts on love.
Overall, this book was a very helpful read, and the exercises and worksheet in the back really aid in applying what she teaches. I also really enjoyed her section about practicing active listening and her thoughts on love.
February 20, 2023
Nie idealna ale dość dobra
February 20, 2024
This is a book every person in the world would benefit from reading. Regardless of gender, age, relationship status, etc. It’s a simple and easy to read book that profoundly challenges the beliefs we have around our own behavior and the behavior of others.
August 20, 2022
Von all den Ratgeber Büchern und Bücher über Bewusstsein
habe ich fast nur Byron Katie in den Alltag umsetzen können und es ist sehr erhellend.
Dies hier finde ich am Besten.
Wichtig sind auch die YouTube Videos translate in deutsch.
Oder wenn man genug Englisch kann, ihretwegen habe ich einen English Kurs gemacht 😃👍
habe ich fast nur Byron Katie in den Alltag umsetzen können und es ist sehr erhellend.
Dies hier finde ich am Besten.
Wichtig sind auch die YouTube Videos translate in deutsch.
Oder wenn man genug Englisch kann, ihretwegen habe ich einen English Kurs gemacht 😃👍
March 5, 2020
One of the good mind-changing books.
Stay in your own business and be happy :)
Stay in your own business and be happy :)
April 15, 2015
This book isn't a book you sit through read and then toss away. You should always have it in your pocket, somewhere handy and most importantly in your head. I didn't read the entirety of the book because once you understand the concept you feel so ridiculous that you continued thinking you need approval from everyone! If you want a healthy relationship, don't go looking for books about how to get your ex boyfriend, your coworker or your friend to love you again, get this book! You are the only one in control of your emotions, feelings and thoughts! You cannot control what they think, so flip it around whenever you are in doubt about someone thinking something of you and ask yourself, is it true?
August 27, 2019
Taking us deep inside ourselves, Byron Katie reveals her innovative yet straightforward method on how to stop seeking approval and love, and how to start finding it. Her no-nonsense questions, coupled with her thirst for the truth gifts us a window into seeing a way to question our thoughts that is not only simple, but extremely effective. She proposes we have all been involved in a masquerade, seeking approval and love from others, when what we really need and want most is that from ourselves. Heart-centered and full of wisdom, Katie's book is what I would call a motivating read full of self-love. I will definitely continue to ask her questions and inquiry into my own thoughts, which has already helped me achieve a greater level of honesty within myself.
December 19, 2008
Well, this was my first exposure to Byron Katie. It wasn't a bad book but it was a new thought process to me, and I didn't really absorb the book the way I should. I might read it again, after the initial concepts sink in. Basically, her process is to question everything, every thought. And I find that can be a very valuable strategy. You think a thought and, as a bystander, ask - is that true? You question its truth and turn it around a few different ways, and very often, it loses its power. I like the concept, its just too early to say it really impacted me, but I find myself asking questions of myself, which is a good thing.
June 26, 2013
I do find it commonsense to not seek approval from others which is a good refresher. when she started getting into the scenarios,I got very confused and didn't agree with her method--I felt she was parsing and picking on semantics which frustrated me. And yes, there are other ways to look at people's behavior and see a larger picture, but I couldn't help feeling she was dismissive of people's point of views completely. I was left confusing feeling like the book should be called, 'lowered expectations' and you just get what you get is the message. I really struggled with this title.
December 28, 2009
For those of us conditioned to base our self-worth on approval or love from others, this book does a fantastic job of showing how the desire for approval actually reflects a desire for us to be more accepting of ourselves. Katie provides many examples and strategies for getting out of our own way when it comes to leading happy, healthy lives and relationships.
April 21, 2011
A fine refresher for us Loving What Is fans. Conversational, illustrative, clear. This is the thinking I want as part of my bedrock. My only wish is for some context: how is this related to Taoism (Linda says it is)? How do these concepts compare to other psychological approaches? (What would Jung say? etc.)
April 13, 2012
Let me just state - I read what would be classified as 'self-help' books. And I don't have a problem with that.
This one was very interesting, and certainly teaches a lot about taking a step back and questioning thoughts that arise. I enjoyed reading it and now employ some of its tactics in my day-to-day life. :)
This one was very interesting, and certainly teaches a lot about taking a step back and questioning thoughts that arise. I enjoyed reading it and now employ some of its tactics in my day-to-day life. :)
March 6, 2014
Ummmm read it I couldn't connect with it at all. At first I wondered if there was something wrong with me, but now I just think her approach is not as compassionate as I need. And I gave up on it because I couldn't follow her ...
But at times this book offers good guidance and helps on how to answer difficult, challenging questions with tact while maintaining your personal boundaries.!!
But at times this book offers good guidance and helps on how to answer difficult, challenging questions with tact while maintaining your personal boundaries.!!
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